 Good morning. Welcome to Sunday Morning Coffee. I have so many things I want to talk to you about to share with you. So much has happened over the last five weeks that I can't even... I have so much content I want to share. It is the wee hours in the morning as it often is here. It seems like once that daylight savings time kicks in where it's darker earlier for a long time. In the wee hours of the morning it seems like I have this little ritual that I get up early and I just sit in the darkened living room and I wait for the sun to rise. You know how much I love the sky colors because you see me post them on Facebook, on Instagram, or now on TikTok. I've had such a tiktoker these days. As I was going to record this audio, I actually saw something on my phone that said, my goodbyes, November 2023. During this experience of having this major surgery, for those of you who don't know, I had open heart surgery on October 13th, 2023. It was an emergency situation. I was actually in Massachusetts and I thought I had the flu. I had the flu for a couple of days or I was sick for a couple of days and then I started to have stroke-like symptoms and then I was taken by ambulance to a hospital that was an hour away and it was rapidly changing in my health status because I was having all the symptoms, right? The slurred speech, my face was drooping, my hand was curving inward, my blood pressure apparently was dropping and I guess it was a scary ride. I don't remember much of it, just the whoop whoop of the sirens and he went through intersections and my friend who was with me holding my hand while I was getting the IVs on my arms, I thought I was just going to get one but I ended up getting multiple ones and it was a whole big deal. So yeah, I ended up having open heart surgery for an aortic dissection which usually hits people who are like older, much older, like 80s kind of thing or people who smoke or people who have a history of heart issues or high blood pressure, which I don't have any of these things. It also does affect people who have some rare connective tissue diseases. So of course now I'm getting one of my stops is to get genetic testing for connective tissue disorders because there has to be something to explain why a 50-year-old woman who's relatively healthy and fit and does not smoke or anything like that would end up in this situation. So that remains to be discovered and the aortic dissection was a really big deal. I also had a heart valve replaced and so that is a really big deal because I guess 85%, I've been saying 80%, but I guess it's 85% of people who have this condition don't even make it to the hospital. It's kind of a silent killer, literally 85% of people who have it just die. And by the way, John Ridger had it. And so the only way you can tell is to get a CT scan and then it requires immediate surgery and there's different types, an A and a B type. I actually had the A type which is a bit trickier because it's closer to the heart and it deals with the root ball at the back of the aorta where it's connected into the heart space and so it's a whole thing, imaging. So of course I have to do it up real big dramatic. So yeah, I had major heart surgery. I was in the cardiovascular ICU for six days, seven days, something like that. And then I left the hospital. They weren't exactly happy in Massachusetts when I left the hospital after seven days, but you know, I was pretty determined to get out of there because it wasn't really my jam, you know. It's kind of for old people who weren't ever going to get up and walk out of there, I guess. I was really not happy there, so I left and did some healing for the rest of the month in Maine. Actually, I had a friend that hosted me at her place and really did such wonderful caregiving for me, and I'll never forget that. I'm forever in gratitude for that. She also happens to be the same person that saved my life because I wasn't planning to go back to the urgent care or anything. Very soon I was putzing around and taking my time and she grabbed my arm at one point and said, I'm calling this, we're going now. And she just pulled me through the street and to the urgent care of about two blocks away because we were standing by the ocean. And yeah, she saved my life. So anyway, I digress, which I will, you'll notice that I do that right now. And I take my time wearing, I used to talk super fast and get really excited, which I will do. You'll see that, you'll hear that again. But right now I'm really just taking my time in this healing space. I don't have much of a choice because sometimes I get zingers in my chest and it hurts because this kind of surgery, just look it up. Just Google it up on, just look it up on YouTube. Aortic dissection. I'm type A with a valve replacement and just see what they had to do. It's literally open heart surgery. So my chest has to heal back together. I'm just going to say that, especially for people who are not into the medical stuff because I'm not. I had to pretend like I don't know. I still have to pretend like I don't know what's going on inside my chest. And I just imagine it taking its time, snuggling back together like it's new. Like it's a little person just learning how to walk kind of like that, you know? Just taking its time, reaching each other, both sides left and right and finding their way back together. I have a lot of pain in my shoulders actually and that's common for the open heart surgery that I had and that'll just take time. So overall I'm pretty damn good. I had my moments like this morning. I had a rough night and a little bit of a rough night, but it's okay. Nothing that a little Tylenol can't cure and some good coffee this morning. So as I was saying, I was looking at my audio here on my phone and it said, my goodbyes, November 2023 because the thing is, is this all happened so, so fast and my mind would not let me comprehend that I could die. The doctor said to me, you need to have surgery now or you will die. And I said, okay, well let's fix this then. Let's fix it. Can you fix it? And I just said that. I just asked him to fix it. I said, just fix it. Fix my heart and fix my whatever. It's not the heart, it's the aorta. It's different by the way. I could fix it. And he said, okay. He said, but there are risks for the surgery. People stroke. People die. People don't make it through the surgery. I didn't hear any of that to be honest with you all. I didn't hear any, I didn't hear any of it. I didn't hear any of it. I just asked the doctor when I could really hear it and then I was told that the statistics for surviving the surgery, a third of the people who go into the surgery survive it. One third, survive it. So if you say that's like what, 33% survive. So I already beat the odds by getting to the hospital. Right. procentile, which apparently is a good thing in this regard. And then I survive to the surgery. And then the thing is, is that people also then die in the first week and the first month from complications. Oftentimes people are in medical induced commas. But again, remember the frame of reference is older people who already have cardiologists because they might already have heart issues or they know of heart disease in their family or they have high blood pressure or smoking or something, you know, there's some kind of indicators that this could happen. And a heortic dissection, by the way, has a long tear in the aorta. And mine was toward the top, that's what type A is, the tear. It tore right at the rib ball in the back of the heart there where it's connected there. And the doctor said it was like shredded, basically. I was like, oh my God. So because I didn't understand the levity of this, that the surgery was going to be this big deal, I just was like, okay, so I had literally 30 minutes to make phone calls, 30 minutes as they were cooling my body down because they do that because there's this thing called the bypass. Remember that when your grandpa had that way back in the day? Yeah, I had a by freaking bypass. So they had to cool my body down, which I do not like to be cold. As you guys all know, I love Florida, I love heat, I like, I like the humidity and I was freezing in Maine, or actually it wasn't Maine, it was Massachusetts Cape Cod to be exact. They were chilling me out in Cape Cod. I was on the phone and I called the husband and told him what was happening and called my sister, told her what was happening, called my friend Rebecca. I called some key people that I knew would call other people. I also called a couple of my children. When I called my husband, I knew that he would tell one of my, he might, two of my kids that live at the main house and I asked him to and he did. And then I called my college kid and then I called my other kiddo, my kid that works at the hospital, hospital actually, and I told them what was up. But I acted like it wasn't a big deal, which in retrospect was not smart. But I honestly, you have to understand, I honestly didn't know, because my brain would not let me accept the fact that this was a big deal, that I could die. I did not ever in a moment think I could die. Do you understand that? I never, I just didn't accept that and I, and it's not that I rejected the fact that I could die, I just, I didn't, I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it, especially how it would happen like this, suddenly so far from home in this situation. I had two friends with me that were wonderful, wonderful Abby and Sandra. You guys were awesome. Even though Abby, you rubbed my feet when I'm not down with that FYI. She's going to laugh when she hears it, but she said she rubbed my feet when I was, when I came back to the room and I was all hooked up to the breathing machines and stuff, the intubator and I was out of it and she said, I seem to like it. The nurse, one of the nurses was rubbing my feet because they were trying to find my pulse and stuff and she said, I seem to like it. So she said, I thought I would do it and I'm like, I hate that. Don't rub my feet. It was just funny inside joke there. And so I called those three people, plus my two kids, two of my older kids and I didn't want my kids to worry. I wasn't even going to call the kids until I was done with surgery. Like that's how much I did not understand what was happening. I just could not contemplate it. Now I wasn't in a great deal of pain, but I was in and out of consciousness. I was kind of going in and out, but I think they were, they might have been giving me some medicine at that point to relax me a little because, and I wasn't freaking out. I mean, at the point that they, I had to call my kids after the doctor talked to me, I did cry and one of my friends took a couple pictures of me in the hospital bed before I went into surgery and just to capture the emotion of the moment. And I'm glad she did because I can't even remember it. So I made my phone calls and I knew that like my friend Rebecca would take care of all of my other friends and there were a couple of people I asked her specifically to reach out to, like a couple of my really close friends that I needed, I needed them to know one of my really close friends. And so I knew Rebecca would tell them, tell her and there's some people that I just needed her to talk to for me. And then my sister I knew would take care of my kids and she did a great job of that. And she actually helped my husband get out here too, so that he could or get out to the hospital because he needed to be there too. And so he tried to get there that night, but he couldn't, but it's okay. Cause the surgery lasted a long time and I was in recovery for a really long time. It was a nine hour surgery. And I think it was in recovery for eight hours or something for a really a five hour or something. It was really for a long time. And there's a lot that happened during that time for me. And I did, I did have the opportunity to leave and I will talk about that. And when I process it all you guys, it's, it's very deeply personal for me. I did have the opportunity to not come back. There were three moments that were really pivotal that I had. One was when I didn't, at the end of the very end of the surgery, my body was so tired and I I was just exhausted and I wouldn't come off the bypass. They had a hard time getting me off the bypass machine because I was just tired, you know. So, and yeah, I was very aware in spirit form. I'm aware of all the things. And that's a hard thing to come to terms with because my body is so precious to me. You know, I've been talking about embodiment for quite some time and it's very, very precious to me. And so it's something that is deeply personal my body and what my body went through so much trauma and working to heal that with her very much so. And so I saw this audio that said my goodbyes November 2023 because I never said my goodbyes. I wish in retrospect instead of calling all these individual people that I would have taken a little bit of time to record an audio that was just general that said to people. This is what I would have said. I am good. I have had a great life. I've lived fully. I've lived to the best of my ability. I've had wonderful friendships and loves and relationships and I have children and I've had a life. I've had jobs and careers and people come in and leave my life that I just I've had great rich experiences. It has not been easy, no, but I've challenged myself. I've come out as a psychic. I've come out as a queer woman. I have done my very best to honor myself in all the ways that I get to know myself as I grow and evolve and change and the people that I love know I love them and that that has made my life worth it. Everything I've done, everything I've gotten the opportunity to do places I've gotten to see in this world. I'm so very grateful for all the opportunities I've had. My life has been good. I am fulfilled. I am gonna be okay. I am gonna be okay. I am okay and that's what I said. And after the surgery in November actually it was a couple weeks after I had some moments because you do you have these weird moments where and it says it on the like brochure thing like all the information about aortic dissection and being under anesthesia for so long and having such major surgery that you have these moments where some people have like nightmares and some people have like deep like sadness that happens and these memories of regret and all sorts of stuff happens right. I had this moment. I had a couple of really sad moments but it was okay. I mean I worked through them. I made phone calls and got support and worked through them and but I had this moment of I told my husband that I said if this happens again I will go to bed. I will crawl into my bed and I will not I will not come out and I said that'll be my choice and I said so whatever life I have from now until hopefully the next 25-30 years I'm gonna live it just live it and I'm going to focus on the beauty of things just the beauty. I won't want to feel the pleasure and the joy and the enjoyment of life in the simple simple things just simple ways. I don't want my life to be complicated. I want it to be simple and so however I can make that be the case that's how I'm gonna live. I have my focus on love real love the authentic kind and I do not have time for any posturing or positioning or people who don't feel or who who need drama or am I attention in ways that are not authentic and honest and whole and sincere everything is new now I'm in this transition state right now in this moment just healing but when I'm ready to move into the next what's next it's it's a new a new way of living for me and I don't have time for people or places or things or organizations or products or services or programs or marketing that has anything to do with any kind of fake fix quick fix not pure not sincere I just I'm not even angry I'm just and I don't even have the energy to be angry anymore it's weird at moments I do get angry because that's part of the thing get really sad get really angry but I'm like the past is done if you were part of my past and you're not in my life now that's your loss not mine that's your loss whether you're a client a friend a love whatever too bad for you that's how I feel oh well I don't have time for that kind of stuff anymore I just don't I told my husband that yeah we are still married by the way we're legally married and he was right there by my side supporting me he was one of my support him and my dear dear dearest one she was also by my side as well the two of them were like two peas in a pod one person together sitting there holding my hands taking turns holding my hands both of them together were there I was so loved and so held and so honored and I think them both so so deeply so very much I'm so lucky in that regard and I told him that day in November when I recorded this message on my audio that you know I would be okay right you know that no matter what had happened and no matter what happens in the future for me I am okay my life has been good I am accomplished I am contented I am at peace would I like more well sure of course I would I'd like experiences and opportunities yes but I've also been so so very gifted with so many wonderful things life experiences hardships too things that I learned my grit and what I made of and for all of it I am thankful so there you go thank you for listening to this very personal Sunday morning coffee and I will record more of them too in the days and the weeks to come I have some things I'm I really want to share in time so I hope that you will feel deeply into your heart your healthy healthy strong heart and feel inspired inspired to live your life this is your life after all and you get to live it just live it thanks for listening