 Hello, everybody. Hi. Welcome to another video. My name is Kwame, and this is my lovely wife. Hi, my name is Elaine. And today's episode is very special because today, or we're celebrating our, is it today? Am I going to release it today? Yeah. Today happens to be our second wedding or marriage because we didn't do our wedding. Me too, my wedding, but it was small. So it was, okay, yeah. So that happens to be our second wedding anniversary. Wow, we didn't do wedding, okay. Yeah, we signed and we had the wedding. Yeah, but that's a celebration, that's a wedding. A wedding is what you wanted to be. Okay. Are we going to take this again? You want to? No. Okay, then go. Yeah. So today happens to be our second wedding anniversary. And it's a special episode for us because we want to reflect on some things. And today we're going to talk about some things we wish we knew before we got married. Yeah. Serious stuff, serious. Let's go. Okay. So yeah, we're going to mention them and then talk about them. Elaine is going to start. Yeah. So the first thing I wish I knew, or maybe I already knew, but it's good to share again. I realize that it's the practicalities. Sometimes you have it in your mind, but how they play out is completely different. Yeah. I had to think of the, I interrupted me. I thought of the guy who commented that you shouldn't interrupt me anymore. Wow. You see how the comments are like. The comments are there. We are in the C section anyway. First point, love is not enough. I think yes, people marry out of love and that's great. But I do think to build a life together, you really need to put in the work, try to understand each other, and build a friendship as well. I think we have a strong friendship base. Like we are married, we hang out as husband and wife, but when we're hanging out, we're also just cracking jokes and being supportive and doing fun things together. Not necessarily everything is romantic. Yeah. So those are platonic things that you can do with the other person. And just talk for the sake of talking and not looking at things like, always in the lens of a wife. Yeah, you're also friends. You're also friends. So the games you play, the conversations you have, maybe watching TV together and the jokes or things that you might notice, the arguments you may have, that are not through the lens of marriage. Those are the things that make it worth your while. Also, I think love is not enough here. For me, it also means that there are other aspects that will try your love, Asin. You know, when people say love is not enough, it's mostly, love is often defined in a romantic way. Yeah. But so that kind of love is not enough. You need... To build on it. Yeah, you need a bit of sense, Asin. You need to sometimes get out of the mush or mushiness and look at things in a realistic way. I think that's... Yeah, and I don't think everything can always be romantic. I mean, life's not like that. Life will give you your challenges and you have to deal with it. So if you're only romantically involved, it's gonna be difficult. Yeah. So, yeah. And love doesn't pay bills. So... That too. So you have to do everything to be equal partners in every sphere of your relationship. So, yeah. Love is definitely not enough. The next thing I think I would say is... No, also, again, saying these are some of the things that you already think about or have already heard, but when it comes to practice, it's not as easy when you are in there. It's like footballing and coaching. When you are outside, you seem to see things very clearly. You can give advice to people because you are neutral and you can see things play out. And the next one, for me, in that area is dating your wife because when you start a relationship, you are very intentional. You are very, you know, short for moshi. You know, you go with things like you try, you know, to put up, you know, make things cheseler, all the time, you know. You want to be like the perfect person for the other one. For the person all the time. And those gestures that make, you know, butterflies get, I mean, brings those butterflies, tend to fade out when you start living together and doing things or going about your business and everything. So I am not, I'm going to say, honestly, that I'm not strong because, again, I mean, starting with freelance journey, trying to fix things and everything. So I'm not strong in the dating my wife's area, but it's something that I want to do more of because it also really helps with sometimes just resetting the mood. Yeah, I think you can easily get caught up in like daily stuff. Like you got, for me, it's like getting ready for work, going to work, come back from work, I'm tired, we need to cook, we need to eat. Tired on the couch, sleep. Like if you do that a lot and not like take time to really talk to each other or, you know. Or intentionally do things. Yeah, you will lose sight of, you know, what's going on in your life, what's going on in my life. Because even if you have a routine, things will still come to you like challenges or thoughts or insights or realizations. So you have to sometimes move beyond the daily stuff. So you really connect like, oh, this is what has been on my mind. And that might not even relate to the routine. So it's important to make that time. Yeah, so date your wife or date your husband or date your spouse. It's one of the things that you should remember. And like I was saying, some of these things you think you know, but when you get into the relationship or you get into the marriage, you forget about them. Your daily routine just wipes it all. Yeah, and maybe they're also like, how would you say? In the beginning when you start your relationship, like you want to put in the effort also because it's not like set in stone and everything. So I kind of imagine that when you, I put a ring on it, you're like. The work is done. The work is done, but you forget that. That's actually where it starts. Because now you're going to really build a life together or you're already building a life together, but like for the sake of the government, it's official. Yeah. So yeah, it's official, official. So make time date your wife. Very important. Yeah. Another one for me is maybe I should combine these two. So your partner will see everything of you. And so from like looking all glam going out with the girls to, so I got, for example, I got COVID over the holidays and I was very miserable and I wasn't feeling, you know, very well in my body. I was hurting and it was horrible. And Crown also saw that. But that can sometimes be a bit scary, you know, when a person really sees all of you, because that also means that the person will definitely also see not your dark side because I don't believe in light and dark, but things that still need a bit of work. Yeah, the vulnerable sides that you probably don't want to immediately like share. And this is like not within your control because you're ill. Yeah. So you really can't do anything about it. You wish you could, but you can't. Yeah, but even not being ill, even if it's not about being healthy or not, but even about things that trigger me, that I don't even know they trigger me, but then you're like, oh wow, why are you so like tense or what's going on? And I'm like, oh wow, like I might be very surprised. Yeah. So it comes to being vulnerable comes to like letting somebody taking care of you, but also somebody will definitely point out things that you're not aware of. And it's hard because you're like, oh my God, like he's seeing this ugly side of me and it sometimes can be make you insecure. And think, well, is this- Will this person- Leave me because of this or is it enough? I mean, like am I being the best part or the best self that he deserves or she deserves? Yeah, I would never have a conclusive answer to that. So sometimes that can be scary. I know in the beginning of a relationship, like I'm a foreigner, like I'm a Dutch person. So for example, I can never make like, okay, I can learn how to do the Ghana dishes, but I didn't grow up in a Ghanaian environment. So some things, I can never be like a Ghanaian wife. How maybe, yeah, there are lots of things in Ghanaian culture that I am not familiar with and I will never be able to give Kwame, whether it's making dishes or whether it's family connections. Fortunately for you, it's that thing. No, but sometimes, like we had conversations about that and also it can be difficult to be with somebody who is from a different culture. So we would have conversations about that, like wouldn't it be easier if you were with a Ghanaian lady wouldn't it be easier if I would be with a Dutch guy? And I think it's okay to ask yourself those questions and be critical of am I being the best partner I can be? Yeah. Yeah, so those doubts will be there and you will question like how vulnerable you are and whether this is the best you can do. Yeah. But I think that keeps you also on your toes so you keep working on it and that's in the end, marriage is work, lots of work. I think any relationship is work honestly, but marriage, because you spend so much time together and because marriage is also kind of like much more of a locked up, I mean, come on, you can break up. Yeah, you can go anywhere. Yes, it's much more of a finite, not finite, I don't know how to put it, like it's much more official officials, like formal, like you've actually committed. Yeah, yeah, it's a commitment. So it's not like you're in a relationship and it's not like it's not working and you just feel like, let me just talk to this person and not commit to something as big as marriage yet. So that makes it a bit difficult to also juggle. Yeah. Because you're in it for the long haul. Yeah, that's true. So what also relates a bit to the date your wife is, I think it's very important, I am fiercely doing it, but even though we are part of a unit, so we are part of a unit together, we have a life together, it's very important to also keep investing in other relationships in your life because like before you even met this person, your friends, your family, maybe other people in your life were around and they were there for you as support and to have fun with and they were also your lights in your life. And I see a lot that when people get married or they get the serious partner day, things tend to fizzle out and everybody of course has their own process, but I do strongly believe and I also know that I really need to also have to spend time with my friends. With your friends and family. Because there are some things that I discuss almost everything with Kwame, but sometimes I want a different opinion or I want a different view or I want just to laugh about it with my girlfriends and I think it's healthy to not put everything like on you, like that you have to be my cheerleader, my supporter, my counselor. It's also good to get different perspectives and still invest in those other people in your life. Yeah, I think that's an important one as well. Very, very important. Yeah, and I think about that a lot as well because at least Elaine is very good at being a social animal. It's not like me, I'm good with my own company most of the time. And Elaine has been able to make friends and form her own tribe here. I mean granted she's been going and coming and now living here for a few years, so that's something she has consciously worked on because she actually really does believe in it and it works for her, I see it works for her. And for me when I think of possibly relocating to the Netherlands, there's something I think about that also finding a tribe from scratch when most of my friendships, or my strongest friendships, have gone from just I know this person to sibling good. Most of my friendships are like 20 years, over 20 years. So it's difficult to start again or build that again. Also especially for the fact that I'm a freelancer as well and I think you also have this skill, you tend to be what you said, like you tend to be comfortable in your own space and you're very comfortable when it's just us. And I think that's great, I think that's a good quality also to just have that peaceful approach, like the house is peaceful, your content. But then you often not forget, but your friends are out there living their life and it's important to keep up with them as well. Because it's easy to just be a comfort zone in the house, like, oh, we're just together all the time. But I believe it will, I know for myself, let me speak for myself, I know for myself that will wear out for me and at some point it won't be enough anymore because I need my friends, my sister, my family, everybody, so, yeah. Yeah, and I think the last thing has probably been running through the things you've been saying all this while, in a subtle way, that your partner will be pointing out the things that you don't like about yourself. Yeah, so this one, we actually discussed a few nights ago and when we go to bed, we talk small, small, then we sleep. So sometimes things pop up in my mind from the day, so I was listening to this podcast, it's a Dutch podcast, I'll put it in there. It's called Love Afraid, if you translate it directly. So it's based on a book. And it's a psychologist who pointed out that your partner will point out the things that you don't love about yourself yet. And we're talking about how true that is because a partner is literally a mirror because he or she sees like maybe 60% of yours, which is a lot. And I think for us, I think for me, you definitely pointed out things that I still need to work on. You also do sing for me. It's very difficult to hear or listen to work on. So yeah, it's something that will happen. I think it's more luckily for me or for us. I've realized that we've grown into the approach of pointing these things out. Yeah, in a kind but still insisting way. Yeah, you're actually more insisting than I am. You need to come really, really get on my nerves with pointing out these things and being stern about it. And yes, she's right. I know she is, but I'm still annoyed about it. Yeah, maybe good to give an example. So for me, I find it hard to decide or feel proud or content with the work I've done or it's not even about work only, but also with the efforts I made to, for example, help a friend or support family, or I find it hard to decide on that boundary and I often give out too much and then I feel drained and that has been a process that we've been or I've been working on very consciously, but Kramé also has to whenever I feel drained and I am tired or very sad, he has to, he's seeing all of that. And I also remind her of that. Yeah, and you point out like, but it's been enough or it's been good enough and you're allowed to rest and you don't even have to earn to rest. If you want to rest, rest. Like there is no like I have to do this and this and this before I can rest. And for me, I have always had this more conditional so I can only do this and then I can rest. So there are conditions before I can rest and I've been trying to work on that. It's also like a task and reward thing. Yeah, which is... I'm tired to something and unless I do this, I cannot rest. Yeah, and it has a lot to do with that. I like to be productive because it makes me feel like I belong, so it goes very like layers on the layers on the layers and we've been peeling those away together. Like a union. Union. Like an onion and it's been scary as well. Like because you have to, it feels like in Dutch we would say with your naked butt, like somebody's seeing your naked butt. That's what we would say in Dutch. Metabile bloat. Metabile bloat. Yeah, so a person is literally seeing everything and it's difficult. And yeah, it's also, you have to also be patient with the other person because for me, it's been really a process. I'm getting better at it, but it's still there. And sometimes I think like, he must be so tired. I'm pointing out the fucking same damn thing every... Strangely, it comes easy to me to do that and still try to like hold and support, like, you know. And constantly remind, you know. Yeah, at least I hope that you're seeing it. What I hate or what I dislike more than the repetition that you think that I'm doing it all the time, is not like seeing you not see that you are doing more than you. More enough. Enough. So seeing you go through that hurts me more than the activity of having to remind you or having to, you know. So I can easily remind you so that I can stop seeing you not to recognize that what you're doing is enough. Yeah. Now I recognize that sometimes you get frustrated that I am bringing like... Sometimes, yes, no. Bringing myself down and... Yeah, that's what annoys me. So that's what I'm saying. I hate seeing that more than the activity of telling you. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, it's a lot. But a lot is what we signed up for. Yeah, definitely. And I hope you see the small progress, you know. I think that's important too, because these kind of things that have been patterned for years and years, like I won't change that in a day. Kwame won't change certain patterns in a day. So you also have to be very patient and see like the small progress because we all have our lives to juggle. So I think sometimes don't... I think sometimes need time and won't move that fast. So patience is definitely key as well. Yeah. So yeah, I think... I don't know, I think mine is more about the perfectionism and again, being very stubborn with the things I want to do and how I want to do it. And sometimes Elaine is trying to get me to see that some of the things are not necessarily within where my perfect ideas are, but they are very helpful for my overall growth. So she, for example, tells me to sometimes when she sees some opportunities, like reach out to these people, talk to them, do this. And I'm just thinking, nah, I just want to shoot this thing and I've made plans to shoot this thing. So I really don't want to talk to them because I don't want to work or not. I don't want anything to derail me from shooting this thing or doing this work or doing this thing that I dreamed of and I want it to be perfect. So yes, those things are hard to hear, but I do very much understand her that you cannot be alone, rangering your way through everything. And there are some of these things that come up that you need to just do it and see where it goes from there. And it's difficult to swallow all the time, but yeah. Yeah, but I think you can pick and choose as well. It's not like... So when I point these things out, it's not like I want you to do it, but it's more like to pick your mind, like plant small seeds, like... There's so many possibilities out there. Yes, yes, you plant a lot of seeds. I guess it's also like the business development side of me. Like, I literally see opportunities everywhere. She's always trying to plant these seeds, bro, like... And it's true. Like, I think a while ago, I went to get fuel at the coil here in the neighborhood. And then one of the guys, we always talk to him. I won't mention his name here, because maybe he doesn't want to do YouTube. He's watching. He's probably going to watch this video. Yeah. So, and we were talking, and then he said, like, I have this documentary idea, and they really talked about this. I'm like, you see, opportunities are everywhere. You go to get fuel, and somebody's pointing something or getting your attention to a certain thing, and it can go from there. So I think, yeah, for me, that's how my brain works. So it might be annoying for you, but here we are. Yeah. Okay, maybe the last point before this goes into a 120-minute YouTube video, because we can go on and on and on. I don't know if it's going that long, but let's go, okay. Yeah, the adulting. Adulting will definitely hit you. But I think that the adulting part is everything. I don't think... Summarizing everything, because everything we're talking about is... Yeah, you have to really... Sometimes we say to each other, like, we're so tired of adulting, because so many things happen at the same time, and life can be overwhelming, and especially when difficult things happen, like family members get ill, like these kind of things hit you hard, and you're still expected to go to work and do all these things on the side and make money, and cars break down, and washing machines get dirty, and then the laundry comes out dirty, and you're just like, it just wants clean clothes. Sometimes it just fouls up so much, and it's really hard. And also, I mean, what's funny about that? It's like how you bring none of us an adulting thing. It is, because the thing... You know why it's an adulting thing? Because nobody's going to fix the washing machine for us. Yeah, you have to Google how to clean it yourself, and... We Google so much how to clean the washing machine, and all these things, and that's the thing about adulting. Like, nobody's going to do it for you. So you better step up your game and fix that washing machine. Yeah, for me, I think that the aspect of adulting that annoys me is that when those things... I'm not good with unexpected things when I've made my mind to do things. So sometimes those things just derail you from something you really wanted to do, and now you can't do it. Yeah, and I also think... Like, I always find these memes on Instagram as of like, I don't think it's a scam because it's bills on bills on bills on bills, and when you pay one thing or you do a big payment of something. And those are not even fun things. Like, it's fixing the car. The car one is the most common meme I do see. Like, when you think everything is going well and your car is like... Yeah, exactly. And I think for us, it's also been a journey on how to arrange our finances and... Like, because first, you're separate units and you both have your bank accounts, and we're still figuring also out how much we're trying to track. We've been really bad at that, by the way. Track, like what we spent on the household, like when and how often do we need groceries. You know, we often try to remind ourselves like there's rice at home. Because, like, sometimes we just crave things like, let's order food or let's go out to eat. We're foodies, so sometimes you have these cravings that you just want to eat. You want to go out and eat and you're just like, no, we just bought these ingredients and let's go something. There's so many ingredients in our fridge. Let's not, like, just ignore them. And of course, I mean, we sometimes eat out and we deserve those things as well, because we work hard, but erasing all those things and getting insight into them, they're making a plan and also talk about, like, goals, because we like to travel, like, okay, so we like to travel. If we really want to do that, we need to make a plan and how to arrange for it. And these conversations can be very tough. And it's not a fun thing to, it's not fun to talk about money unless you're, like, bawling and you have money, like, you can splurge, but we are not there. And I think it's important to have a plan and, yeah, just arrange for it. It's just hard and it's good to sometimes say to each other, like, I don't think it's really hard and it's been a scam lately, like, just been doing tough things on tough things. And, yeah, I'm happy to do it together, but it doesn't mean it's always easy. And you also become aware of how you were raised and maybe how money was raised in your household and how it was raised in my household. And sometimes it clashes and you get into these very tensed conversations and you're like, why is this a tense conversation? And you have to figure it out, take a deep breath and maybe pause and do it another day. It's, please, oh, hey, we've gone so far, so far. So, yeah, these are some of the things that not necessarily you wish we knew. Oh, I wish I knew, oh, I really wish. I mean, we did live together for a while before we got married, so we saw a bit of a glimpse. AKA, he squatted my room in Osu. Really? Yes. What was fun? Yeah, so I lived in Adentah and she lived in Osu and, yes, Osu is close to my job, so what do you want me to do? Yeah, what was fun? Yeah, so I'm just saying that, yeah, we saw glimpses of it, but when you are actually living it out, it's completely different, so, yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, if you do have a partner who's on the same wavelength as you and you're able to talk about all these things, it's very doable. Yeah, I think that's also, maybe that's my last thing. I really felt like marriage is this big thing, like, whew, you know, like. It isn't, you're talking things? I mean, it's a big commitment, yes, but for me, it doesn't feel much different than when we were, like, not official, when we were, like, I mean, you were my boyfriend, but I already knew it was solid, like, I knew, like, this is for a long term and I'm committed, so when you asked me to marry you, I was like, whew, that's a, like, big thing. It felt like heavy, like, oh my god, that's so serious, but now we're in it. I'm literally like. We've done two years, but it doesn't even feel like it. No, it's, for me, it feels quite easy. Of course, we have, like, our. Hard times. Hard times and, you know, sometimes you're like, wow. Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here? But for me, it's easy, like, it feels just like, I think I saw this meme, like, marriage is like. Not necessarily easy, but it's just, I think we have a strong sense of our capabilities to get through things. Yeah, so we know ourselves well and we know they are there also well and there's a certain, okay, maybe we shouldn't say it's easy, but there's certain ease to it. Yes, there's certain ease to it, because easy is just a bit. Yeah, that's too like. Making people think that it's. Oh, just go get married. No. Yeah, but it will just decide a lot together what you will eat. You'll fart a lot together. Come on. Yeah, that's for me, like, the main thing, like, what are we eating today? I like, just chilling together. That's literally marriage. Marriage is you asking the other person. What shall we eat today? What shall we eat till you die? And then farting in between a lot. Yeah, that's literally marriage. Yeah, but I mean, I think, I think they say after seven years of marriage, that's when you hit a point that's difficult. I don't think there's a science to it. It's not everybody that realizes that because marriage is different from being in a relationship. Yes. But technically, I've known you for seven years. Yeah, okay. Well, let's see. I mean, I'm not, I think we will just try our best. And there's nothing more you can do, honestly. And yeah, so far, so good. Right? Yeah. Yeah, it feels good. Okay. I think we're through. One thing I wanted to, and this is so so good because then we can see whether people watch till the end. So there's one new thing about Kwame's look. And I want to see if people will see it. I can say that most people didn't even recognize it because it was in my previous video before this one. Oh, okay. And not one comment about it. So, look well. So people didn't realize. There's something new. Something I wasn't so enthusiastic about in the first place. But now I'm getting used to it. You're very happy with it. So, look well. Like, look for that. Come on. It's okay. Okay. So, yes. Thank you very much for watching the video. And yeah, we hope to bring you more of our experiences as we're doing, you know. And yeah, it's been two years being married and it feels absolutely good and wonderful. And we're grateful for you guys as well. Being here and sharing with us. Yeah. And if people have other things they would like to share in the comments, like things you wish you knew before you got married or before you went into a serious relationship. And if other things we also said are things that you really, really like now having like, oh, wow, okay. Thank you guys for sharing. Let us know as well. Yeah. We'd like to hear from you. I mean, we're open for learning points. So, drop them in the comments. We'd like to know. Yeah. All right. Thanks so much for watching. Like, subscribe and comment. Share with a friend or share even with an enemy who can learn something from it. Wow. And then we'll see you in the next video. And we're going to celebrate our anniversary a bit more, not only on YouTube. And we'll catch you in the next video. Bye. Bye.