 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeves. Each week at this time from Hollywood, California, Craft presents Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeves. Written by Leonard L. Levin. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeves in just a moment. But first, let me tell you about a conversation I had the other day. A lady I know asked me, why do you speak of parquet margarine as a modern margarine? Well, here's what I said. Parquet is a modern margarine because it's so different from the margarine of a few years back. You see, parquet margarine is made by craft and craft is famous for its fine quality, delicious tasting foods. Yes, delicate appetizing flavor is the big reason why parquet margarine is different. It's grand both for table use and for cooking because it tastes so good. Another reason parquet margarine is different is that it's a reliable economical source of important vitamin A. Summer and winter, every pound of parquet margarine contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. And that's something every mother and housewife should be glad to know. Besides, parquet margarine is wonderfully wholesome and nutritious. Why it's one of the best energy food you can serve. But why not find out how deliciously good this modern margarine is yourself? Tomorrow, ask your dealer for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the Great Gildersleeve. Good morning, Uncle Mark. Good morning. Oh, is that one of your Christmas shirts you're wearing? Oh, no, Marjorie. And that reminds me, next year I hope you're more careful about giving my sizes to Aunt Sylvia. She sent me a 13-shirt and a pair of 17-and-a-half socks. Oh, I'm sorry. But you know Aunt Sylvia? Yeah. Well, she still thinks I'm a baby. Yeah? She sent me a pound of gumdrops and a Mickey Mouse wristwatch. Very good. Oh, Bertie, are you busy? No, Miss Mark. What can I do? See if you can sweep up some of the pine needles under the tree. It's shedding like a $19 fur coat. That's the kind of coat I got from a gentleman of Queensland Christmas. Oh, that's too bad, Bertie. Oh, I don't mind so much. The friendship only lasted until the 4th of July, but the bunny coat didn't start to give out until long by Labor Day. Well, I hope you have better luck with your current boyfriend. Oh, yes, Mr. Gillsley. Kurt is right. That boy's a real live wild. He doesn't treat me to a course of ten lessons in rumbo dancing. Bertie, are you going to learn to rumbo? Oh, yes, ma'am. I've been rumboing for years, Miss Marge. I'm just going to improve my technique. Yes. Professor Guadalupe, that's my rumbo teacher's name, Stonewall Jackson Guadalupe. He says I'll be a fine rumbo dancer just as soon as I learn to put about twice as much energy and to half as much work. Yes, I can see what he means. What else did you get for Christmas, Bertie, besides this course in the Cuban can-can? Besides which? In addition to your rumbo coaching. Oh. Well, I received a bottle of the loveliest smelling lavender cologne and a box of the loveliest looking lavender face powder. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed. I'm at my stunningness in lavender. Yes. Did they match that perfume you had? The last time you saw a Harlem? Yes. No, ma'am. This is a new kind called Chattanooga-woo-woo. Yes. Oh, God. Oh, Tuxedo Unction. Yes, Tuxedo Unction. Well, I guess it better get up these pine leaves with that. Yes. I just came from Piggy Bank's house, and you know what? No, what? He just gave me a... that is, he wants to give me a swell Christmas present. But Leroy, Piggy gave you a pair of roller skates for Christmas. Well, he feels it wasn't enough, so he wants to give me a swell puppy, and boy, is it a cute one. Well, if it's so cute and swell, Leroy, why is he giving him away? Because Piggy's father won't let him keep it. He won't? What's the matter with him? Oh, nothing's wrong with him. It's Piggy's father. He's got allergies. Yes. Ma'am, it's all right for me to have him, isn't it? Well, I don't know. He's a very big dog. Oh, tiny? Hey, he's just the right size for this house. Oh, a two-story dog. What kind is he, Leroy? Or brown, white spots. What do you say, Uncle Morse? No, I mean, what kind of a dog? A boy dog. How about a dog? Well, I've always thought that a dog is a wonderful companion for a young man of your age, Leroy. And he's solo-eyed. Uh-oh, here comes more work for me. No, Bertie, this dog is going to be Leroy's responsibility. You ought to take care of him yourself, young man, understand? You bet. You better, because I know from experience when a dog comes snooping around the kitchen for a bite, it ain't particular what it takes that bite out of. Don't worry, Bertie. A dog is good for a boy. Yes, I recall the dog I owned when I was Leroy's age. Good old Hector. I can remember when he was a pup. What kind of a dog was he, Uncle Morse? A Hector was a pug dog. Yeah, you know the kind that looks as if it's always standing with his nose against the butcher shop window? Yeah. Uh, we had great times together. Hector and I almost broke my heart when I lost him. Was he run over, Uncle? No, Marjorie. He got too big to ride and I traded him for a bicycle. Yeah. There's nothing like a little canine pal. Oh! Oh, goodness! Oh, Marjorie, what's going on in the... Canada, D. What? I don't know until I sold you on the idea. Yeah. Nope. I think we better investigate this idea of yours, Leroy. Come on. Sure. And wait till you see it. He's the cutest pup you ever saw. Oh, really? Oh, my goodness. He's chewing up all my old clothes. Here, tiny. Come on away from there. You want to get sick? What? Here, tiny, here. Get off of me with those dirty paws. He gods look at the size of tiny. He must be a great day. What? The other half is St. Bernard's. St. Bernard's? His idea of heaven is a bagged port full of pork chops. Look at him. The way he goes at it, you think meat grows on trees. You'll be getting another 10 pounds on... Yes. Not until I arrange for a wholesale rate at the butcher shop, Leroy. Get down, tiny, down. Every time he hears me mention butcher shop, he'll be like, look at my face, tiny. He'll grab his tail, Leroy, before he knocks me over. Get down, doggie. Come on. Yeah, thanks. Hey, he's a smart dog. Every time he hears me say, B-U-T-C-H-E-R, he wants to go chop-chopping. You should have seen us down at the M-E-A-T market. What happened? I tried to train him to carry the package home in his mouth. Didn't it work? No. Tiny thought it'd be easier to carry it home in his tummy. Well, I guess you can't teach a new dog old tricks. Say, it's getting cold out here. Let's go inside. Yes, all right. Come on, tiny. You can sit beside the fireplace. You promise not to chew the rug for dessert. Don't keep that door open so long. Please, Mr. Gale, sleep. This cold weather is hard on us tropical folks. That's all right, Bertie. Yeah, come on, tiny. Come on. Quit sniffing on that icebox, dog. Tiny, this way. No, no. Keep away from the stove. I guess he's admiring your cooking, Bertie. Well, he can admire till he's blue in the face, Leroy, but he ain't going to get none of that roast. I'm not cooking myself to a shadow of a hot stove or no truck horse of a great Bernard. Yes, look at there, Bertie. He loves you. Get away from me, dog, before I smash you with this skillet. But he's just playing. Well, if he takes one step closer, he's going to be playing a dog hop. Come on, tiny. Let's go into the living room. The living room? You going to turn that into a candle? Oh, no, Bertie. We'll be careful. Carefully, says. What does 150 pounds of giddy puppy know by being careful? I don't get excited, Bertie. You just take care of the kitchen department. This dog is Leroy's responsibility, and I've got a feeling in my bones. Oh! I shouldn't have mentioned bones. Get him off of me, Leroy. Hey, grab his collar. Come on, tiny, this way. Come on, Bertie. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to have to start training this pup not to jump up and lick you every time you mention F-O-O-D. How do you do that, Uncle? Well, you make him understand you're the master, Leroy. Look him straight in the eye and say, look out for that ass tray. Oh, his tail's rusted off the end table. Sweep it in the fireplace, Leroy, before Bertie sees it. Okay. Gee, be careful, tiny. Yes, be careful, tiny. Your tail will wag your room into a shambles. Gee, maybe we can teach him to wag his tail up and down instead of from side to side. I don't think it would work, Leroy. Why not? Well, I'm afraid that would go against the grain. If he's only smart, he's a mimic. Now, come on, tiny. Lay down like a nice little doggie. Well, not over there. Keep away from that Christmas tree. Look out. Look, clumsy, fumble-putted hounds. Get him out of here quickly before he does any more damage. Yes, Uncle Morse. Come on, tiny. He's going to go out. Custom to our furniture, Uncle Morse. Yes. Well, the furniture will hold out that long. Help me get this tree back on his feet. Oh, I bet I know what it is. Please. Gee, Bernie, what you doing standing in the sink? It's that dog of yours, Leroy. Look. Uh-oh. What did he do? He just chewed up the roast I had ready for dinner and now he's drooling at me. I know I'd welcome a nice big, comfy, warm piano box if I happen to be a dog. On a night like this, thank goodness I'm not. But don't you think he'll get lonesome? Lonesome? Not if he keeps howling like that, he won't. But suppose somebody complains. Let him complain. I've had a hard day trying to cope with that baby buffalo and now I'm ready for bed. Yeah. I'll probably have a nightmare and which tiny takes me for a walk, drag me along at the end of a leash. Oh, that'd be awful. I know it. That's what he did earlier this evening. Well, good night, Leroy. Gee, I wonder what that can be about at this hour of night. You guess. Hello? Who? Yes, this is Mr. Gildersleeve. He's one of the neighbors. Uh-huh. What dog are you talking about? No, it's my nephew's. No, it isn't my nephew. It's his dog. What? No, I won't take him in the house. I'm training him. Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you. Here's that song. Well, you can go there yourself. I don't want you to go, Uncle Morse. It's neither here nor there, Leroy. Let's go to bed now. Oh, why did Alexander Graham Bell have to do this to me? Hello? Look, Mr. I've had enough out of you. If you don't stop bothering me, I'm going to call the police. Oh, this is the police. Well, hello, Sergeant. What can I do for you? Oh, sure. I'll be glad to. Right away, Sergeant. Goodbye. Leroy, I've changed my mind about Tiny. You run along outside and bring him in. That'll keep him quiet. Oh, boy. Can I keep him in my room, Uncle Morse? You didn't think I'd let him sleep with me, did you? Oh, hello, Marjorie. Hello, Uncle Morse. Look what I found under the rug in my room. Three bones and an old corset. Oh, more of Tiny's work. Yes, we also ate all the flowers I received for Christmas. Two pairs of silk stockings and almost a pound of my bath soap. That dog did that? Oh, he isn't a dog. He's an ostrich. Now, now, my dear, we must have patience. Oh! Is that you, Leroy? Yeah, I'm Andrew. You're fine. Good night, Leroy. Please, I don't. Good night, Mar. Good night, my dear. I'm going to bed myself. The deal is tired as last month's lettuce. What's that? Who's there? Who's that under the bed? Is that you, Tiny? Oh, my, we always seem to meet. Oh, stop licking my face. Get out from under that bed, Tiny. Get up from there. No, no, don't stand up, you moose. Crawl out. Tiny, down. This is the last straw. I'll be dog-gone if this dog isn't gone tomorrow. Of course I'm up. I didn't sleep a wink all night. How are you feeling, Uncle? Terrible. That dog curled up under my bed and then the bed curled up. He didn't give me a chance to shut an eye. Did you try counting sheep? I did, but Tiny kept chasing him around the room. See, that's too bad. That's all right. We're going to take this poison pup back to Piggy Bank's house today. But Uncle Moore... I won't hear a word, Leroy. I've got a splitting headache from lack of sleep. What time is it, anyway? See, Uncle Moore is half past eleven already. What? Out of my way, Leroy. I've got a nine o'clock appointment. Again? Yet. No wonder Piggy gave him to you. Tiny's appetite is enough to break the banks. In fact, we've got to find someone to palm him off on before he eats his out of house. See who it is, Leroy. Sure, Uncle. Say we are, Tiny. Yeah, he will. It's Doug Huffer. Come on in, Doug. Well... Good afternoon, folks. Well, look at the beautiful dog. Christmas present, Leroy. Yeah, isn't he a hum-dinger? Hello, there, old boy. How you tell, huh? Good old dog is sweet, old pup. Isn't that disgusting. Don't you pay any attention to him, old boy. My, I wish I had a little puppy like you. Oh, you do, eh? Well... Ah, yes. Did I say something wrong? Better be careful, Judge, or we'll let him take you home. Why, particularly death to have him. How about it, old man? Want to come home with me and bite into a nice big juicy steak? Oh, now you've done it. Get this element off of me. Put that out, you scoundrel. Stop licking my steak. Take your feet off the nice man's shoulders. Stop! You're here! Call off your... Now, let me give you a hand-off, hooker old chap. Don't you hooker old chap, me, Gildersleeve. That's a dangerous dog you got there. You're telling me. He attacked me entirely without provocation. We have plenty of provocation, Judge. You mentioned S-T-E-A-K. Yes, Judge. This is smart dog. You got to spell out F-O-O-D. If you can't pronounce what you're talking about. Gee whiz, I guess the judge won't take him now, uncle. So that was your game. Trying to stick me with his hamburger home. Get away from me, tiny. I'm glad I caught on in time. What do you mean you caught on? Well, you couldn't catch on to a hippopotamus with a plunger in each hand. Oh, I couldn't, huh? Look who's talking. Dr. Morton P. Gildersleeve, the Summerfield version of Dumbo. One more ill-bred remark, Judge Hooker. And the governor will be up all night trying to pick your successor. Oh, I'm going. I'm not afraid of you, you big gas bag. Just about 97% hot air. Is that so? Why, you little prehistoric dodo? Say, what's the other 3%? Pure unmitigated gall. Yeah, thanks very much. Why, you little prehistoric dodo? I'm going to pin your ear so far back you'll even look like a jackass. That's enough. That's enough. I'm leaving. Goodbye, Leroy. Are you sure you won't take Tiny, Judge? I wouldn't have him if you gave me the Mississippi River and threw in your uncle, besides. Goodbye, Tiny. And if Gildersleeve doesn't feed you right, buy him. Yes, goodbye, Judge. And the next time we meet... Down, Tiny, won't find me. I bet he wouldn't have given the dog a good home anyway. Oh, Mr. Gildersleeve, Eggman wants his money. Eggman? Oh, yes. Send him in, Bertie. Now, hold on to Tiny, Leroy. He probably likes eggs, too. Come right in, sir. How much is the bill this week? $2.53. That includes the chicken. It doesn't matter, Tiny. Don't you like chicken? Say, that's mighty fine looking dog. You got there, Sonny. I'm forgetting to have my doubts. Oh, yes. Isn't he a fine-looking dog, sir? I suppose you have a nice farm where a dog can romp to its heart's content. That's to eat no trouble with the fussy neighbors. No, Aint had to fall in love with the neighbors since, let me say, I guess it must have been in the April of 1912. I remember it's clear today because Brian was running for the first third time. Later, Lum, later. Did I hear you express admiration for this imposing canine of yours? No, but I certainly like that dog. Pardon me. Reminds me of a hound a friend of mine gave me in 1906. Was it in 1907? No, 1907 was the year of the panic. I got married that year, too. And what a year. Oh, yes, twerk. We're 07. Got the dog for wedding presents. Yes, a dog makes a wonderful wedding present. I bet you'd like to have one like this to guard your chickens at night. No, I don't need a dog for that. I know I ain't had a henrush robbery since the summer of 1922. Or was it 19... Come come, 22 is good enough for me. Do you think you could use this nice dog? Well, certainly good. I need companionship. It gets kind of lonesome for me up at my place. All the children have grown married and got kids of their own. And scattered to the forewinds, I suppose? No, they're all sleeping in each one fighting up at my place. See, that's why I need companionship. Well, we find that city life is a little too confining for tiny here. We're looking for a good home out in the country for him. You'll take good care of him, won't you, Mr. Eggman? Of course I will. Yes, well, here's your money for the eggs. Now, let me get tiny into your car. Come on, nice doggie. Gee, Auntie wants to stay with you. He does? Let me see. Oh, I know how we can get him to like you, Mr. Eggman. Suppose you tell me how you dispose of the livestock you raise on your farm. Why, with the pigs, I smoke ham, cure bacon, grind sausage. That's right. Now, you start toward the door. How about the cows? Oh, make chippy, smoke tongue, and liver sausage. Certainly peaceful around here since we became dogless. Hand me the newspaper, William Marjorie. Here you are, Uncle. Thanks. Local beauty to give kisses with each defense bond purchase. Think I'll go downtown tomorrow and might buy a few bonds for investment purposes, of course. What's this? Marjorie, here's a picture of that dog, Tiny. Tiny? Are you sure? Sure, I'm sure. There can't be two dogs that look that hungry. Listen to this. Has anyone seen this dog? Lost, strayed, or stolen from the home of Cecil P. Upshaw, president of the Summerfield National Bank. A valuable young Saskatchewan moose hound. Reward offered for return. Oh, my goodness. Leroy! Look at this paper. That dog is Tiny. We've got to get him back to Mr. Upshaw. Oh, gee. Yes, that reward. Forget the reward. You realize that a lot of people know we had that dog? We've got to return that reindeer spaniel before we're arrested for dogmapping. Yeah? And we better go back. That's right. Get your cap and coat. Where does he live? I don't know. Do you mind? The Eggman? No, no. He's been coming here every Thursday for the past 10 years, but he never said where he lives. Does anybody know his name? No, I don't. Neither do I. Well, come on anyway, Leroy. Okay, but where are we going? We'll just have to drag all the chicken coops in the countryside for that bird. The bird. That reminds me. Uh, Birdie! Yes, Mr. Gillsleeve? Do you know where the Eggman lives? Yes. Oh, fine. Where? On the chicken farm. I know that. But where? Do you happen to know his name? Oh, just a second. I figure I have it, right? Well, that'll be a little help. Don't forget to rove a coat, Leroy. Oh, I found it, Mr. Gillsleeve. I just looked on the side of the carton of eggs he brought today. That was using the old beam. What is his name? His name is Great Ace-Elect. I never saw such a narrow road in my life. Oh, look, Uncle Moore. Here comes a load of hay. Make a wish. Okay. I wish there was room for us to pass it. All right, bossy. Uh, let us through the pasture, please, bossy. Well, sound up. That ain't no bossy. That's a boom. It is? Whoa! Just this one barn, Leroy, if I'm willing to call it quits. Uh, hello. Oh, excuse me. Uh, what is it? We're looking for a man who... Why, it's you. Yeah, hello, Mr. Eggman. You don't remember that dog we gave you this afternoon? That big dog named Tiny? You're... You're... Well, we've got to have it back. That's why... And now we must return it. I'm sorry, folks, but I can't do that. You can? Why not? Because that's their dog of urine peaked up and ran away. That's why... Whoa! I'm not to wake anybody, including me. What do you mean, Uncle? I'm practically walking in my sleep. Oh, am I tired? I certainly was one wild goose chase, Uncle Moore. Yeah, I know it, Leroy, and your poor tired, weary old Uncle apologizes. Skip it, Uncle. It was partly my fault. Leroy, if we wanted to stand here and blame ourselves, we'd never get to bed. Good night. Good night. Yeah. I don't think I'll bother to take my clothes off. This is my overcoat and hat and shoes. I haven't the strength to get the coat off. This is the shoes and the hat. It won't hurt me to sleep in my hat for once. Or my shoes. Skip. What's that? Great jumping jeeps. Tiny's come home to roost. Come on, Tiny. Gee, Uncle Morton, Mr. Upshaw has a big place, hasn't he? Yes, very beautiful grounds, too. In just a second, I'll ask this gardener. I say, my good man, where can I find Mr. Cecil P. Upshaw? Hi, Mr. Upshaw. What can I do for you? Oh, excuse me. My name is Gilda Sleeve. I brought a dog that I think is yours. Leroy, bring Tiny here. Oh, there's Tiny. Take it easy. Yeah. Well, it is my dog. Hey, good. Oh, thank you very much. Where's he been? That's too big a subject to go into now, brother. Someday I'm going to write a book about it. Why, you shame on you. What do you mean by running away from home? I'm greatly indebted to you, Mr. Gilda Sleeve. Please accept my sincere thanks. Gee, Uncle, no reward. Yep. Be quiet, Leroy. I didn't come here for any reward. Oh, yeah. The reward of the newspapers. If you'll wait where you are, I'll be right back. Come on, boys. Yeah. Goodbye, Tiny. Yeah, goodbye, Tiny. Say, Uncle, I wonder what the reward will be. Huh? I bet he'll give us a lot of money out of his bank. Oh, no, Leroy. The most you can ever expect from a bank is a new calendar. I won't be surprised if we get one left over from 1941. I'm sorry I took so long, Mr. Gilda Sleeve, but here's your reward. Eh, what? Come here, boy. What? Did you mean that after all the trouble we had to bring your glass of big beagle back, you're returning him to us? Oh, no. This isn't Tiny. This is his sister, Twisting. Oh! Get down. The great Gilda Sleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, here's a timely New Year's resolution that's not hard to keep, and that's to cut down your food budget and do it in a very pleasant way. Here's how. Start using tomorrow. Delicious Parquet Marjoram made by Kraft. Yes, using Parquet Marjoram is one sure way to economize on food without sacrificing flavor or food value. You see, Parquet Marjoram is no ordinary marjoram. It's a delicious tasting modern marjoram that's rich in food elements your whole family needs. Yes, you like Parquet's delicate, satisfying flavor, whether you use it at the table for pan-frying or as a flavor shortening for baking. And you'll appreciate the fact that Parquet Marjoram is such a nourishing, wholesome energy food and a reliable year-round source of Vitamin A. That's why economizing with Parquet Marjoram is no hardship but a mighty pleasant way to cut down your food budget. So in 1942, resolved to try wholesome, nourishing Parquet Marjoram, the modern marjoram that tastes so good, yet costs so little. But remember, don't just ask for marjoram. Ask for Parquet Marjoram, spelled T-A-R-K-A-Y. And so, Marjoram, when we told Miss Rupture that we didn't want another dog, he gave us this. Oh, isn't that a beautiful basket of fruit? Yes, it's got just about every kind you ever heard of. Yes, aren't those grape slushes? Oh, and that pineapple, so ripe and ready to eat. Personally, I like the bananas the best. Yes, all in all, it's the most beautiful calendar the Summerfield National Bank has ever put out. Happy New Year, folks. Good night. Yeah. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randall. This is Jim Bannon speaking for The Craft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week for the further adventures of The Great Gilders League. This is the national broadcasting company.