 The Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Listen to the music of Freddie Ritch and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guest Peter Lorre and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Costello, where have you been? Look at you. Your clothes are dripping wet. There's water running out of your shoes. What happened to you? Oh, I stopped to get a drink at the faucet outside the street. Faucet? Yeah. Dummy, that's no faucet. That's a fire hydrant. Fire hydrant? Yeah. No wonder I went halfway to Pomona by gutter. Three Gs. I got to get these wet clothes off. Because if I don't... What's the matter? Act! Please. How many times have I told you when you sneeze, sneeze the other way? I don't know any other way. Please talk sense, will you? Do you realize you've probably caught a cold? Do you want the germs to spread? Oh, I won't let them spread. How can you keep germs from spreading? I'll make them wear a girdle. Oh. Now that's ridiculous. You've got a cold in your head. How are you going to keep that cold in your head from going down into your chest? I'll tie a knot in my neck. What are you talking about? You're not so healthy. Oh, I'll have you know, my friend, that I keep regular hours. Every night I go to bed with the chickens. How do you all get in that little coop? No, no, I'm trying to tell you that I go to bed early. And I'm up at the crack of dawn. Then I go out and shop wood for breakfast. Shop wood for breakfast? How can you eat that stuff? Listen, Costello, I shop wood for exercise. For example, every morning I jump out of bed and crawl around the room on all fours. You crawl around on all fours? Yes. That's the athlete in me. Athlete? That's the monkey in you, brother. Oh, hey, here's Ken Niles. Say, I'm glad you dropped in, Ken. Take a look at Costello. He doesn't feel very well. Oh, just let some of the air out of his head. He'll be all right. And you got a lot of nerve there, Niles, to me talking like that. With such a swell head like you got. Oh, I'll have you know I'm not swell-headed. Oh, yeah? You're the only guy I know who gets the mumps above the ears. Now take it easy, Costello. You're a sick man. Who's a sick man? I'm all right. I just got a little... What happens, bud? Did you hear Costello sneeze? What's wrong with the way I sneeze? With a little thing like that? What's wrong with it? Well, if you have to sneeze, why don't you sneeze with your mouth closed? I tried that once and blew out three of my teeth. Now wait a minute, Costello. Your sneezing is dangerous. I can catch your cold, then go home and my beautiful wife will get it in her lovely throat. Her lovely throat? Yes, Costello. Mrs. Niles has a neck like a swan. Yes. And she's got web feet to match. Remark. And Mr. Costello, you might be interested in knowing that all my friends think I have perfect features. Is that your nose or are you looking through a periscope? Oh, stop that. Don't pay any attention to Costello, Mrs. Niles. You see, he's got a cold and we're trying to help him. Well, you know the old saying, star the cold. Now the first thing to do is to put him on a diet. No carbohydrates, no liquids, and no solids. You think you can stick to that diet, Costello? Sure. Then what? Then Kenneth and I will split your ration. Oh, nice story. I had you the first time. You're going to split it. It was almost a wonderful joke, Pucci. Oh, you're Pucci. No, no, no, you're my Pucci. No, no, you're my Pucci. If there's a dog catcher in a house, what are you waiting for? No, Kenneth. And as for you, Costello, I hope your cold is nothing trivial. Blame them for going out. The only way to avoid the flu is to flee. What's that? I mean, you've got to flee flu. Got to flee flu? What kind of talk is that? I'm trying to tell you the only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. When there's flu, everybody flees. Did you say fleece? Certainly. I flee, you flee, he flees, she flees. What, I got a cold or a flee circus? You don't understand. To avoid the flu, you've got to flee. I got to flee. Get them off of me then. Get them off. I don't mean fleas like bugs. I mean fleas like flies. Oh, let the fleas like flies. Why don't I break up no romance? Look, it has nothing to do with fleas and flies. I'm trying to tell you to avoid the flu. You must flee. The only way to be free from flu is to flee when flu flies. Oh, you mean that to be free from flu, I got to flee when flu flies. And the fleas and flies have got nothing to do with the flu. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even... Well, let me put it this way. You're in the house. You open the window and a cold germ comes in. A cold germ comes in? Yes. What would you do? I'd give them a cup of hot tea. Who wants to sip and germ them now? Now that's crazy. This cold germ attacks you and immediately starts to germinate. Before you know it, you've got a lot of nasty germs rushing through your system. According to my system, the Russians are rushing through the Nazi Germans. Well, that's true, Castella, but I'm talking about flu germs. Do you realize that germs travel with a speed of light? Now one little sneeze... What? Ah! There you are. There you are. The germs are off. They're already traveled. They've already traveled from California to Maine. They are now crossing the Atlantic. I didn't even say goodbye to them. Castella, right now, at this very minute, someone in Europe is catching your cold. Hello? What do you mean? He's just sneezing now. The coffin will come later. Any range of the orchestra would dress up an old favorite. Alone, together. Now stop that screaming, Castella. You want me to just pull that cord by the bed? Oh, I did. What happened? Come down. Give me some attention. What are you talking about? Didn't I put some cracked ice on your head? Yeah, but you didn't have to wait until you got the ice on your head before you cracked it. Well, it's part of the health-building course I got from Professor Hercules. Starting tomorrow morning, you're going to get out of bed at five o'clock. Then at five, ten... Back in bed. Ah, no. No, no. At five, ten, you jump into an ice-cold shower. And I whistle. You don't whistle. I gotta whistle. Why? Well, there's no lock on a bachelor's door. Now, pay attention. At five, ten, you jump into the shower. Can't you just feel the ice-cold water running down your back? Ah! No, no, no, no, no. Now stop that. Stop that. It's cold. Stop that. Then at five, twenty... Back in bed with a hot water bottle. Listen. At five, twenty, you take a bouncing horseback ride. Five, forty... Back in bed. Face down. Then at six o'clock, an hour of wrestling. Seven o'clock, two hours of handball. Nine o'clock, you walk thirty miles with a heavy pack on your back. And twelve to one, you climb a mountain. Twelve to one, I don't make it. Are you idiot? You never listen to me. Just wait till you see Hercules. Exercise has given him bulging biceps, rippling muscles, a massive chest. He's the strongest man in the world. The mighty Hercules. Come in. I am the mighty Hercules. Honest I am. Honest. See, Costello, take a look at Hercules. Get a load of that muscle. What muscle? The last time I saw a muscle like that was on a sparrow's ankle. You know, I could chalk his head and use it for a pool cue. Ah, Costello. Well, he reminds me of a radio program I heard. One man's famine. Mr. Costello, as I analyze your case, my treatment for you should not be pissed down. Let me show you what my course can do for you. Hand me the telephone book and I will tear it. Are you ready? And now the second page. Now, Kirkleys, what's so great about that? I can bend bars with my bare hands. Iron bars? No, Hershey bars. Now, don't be silly. You're talking to the mighty Hercules. Yeah, Mr. Costello. I'm a master muscle. You're a mess of something, brother. Now, while I'm on a subject, you ain't seen nothing yet. Just feel my muscle. Where is it? All I can feel is one little core puzzle. Yeah, but ain't it got a hard head? Oh, this is ridiculous. Professor, why don't you give Costello a demonstration of your strength? Very well. Mr. Costello, I'm going to let you squeeze my hand as hard as you like. Go ahead. Squeeze my hand. Okay. You ask for it. Thanks, Mr. Costello. Thanks for what? My transport will never accept me now. Look at it. For the last time, I tell you there's nothing wrong with it. Now, you've got to get me out of this bed. Now, give me a lift. All right. What was that? Good morning, gentlemen. I'm Peter Lorry. Mr. Costello, I've come here to offer you the services of my sanitarium. I understand your health is run down. Now, wait a minute, Lorry. Who told you all this? Oh, nobody. You see, I get messages through my brain. My mind is like an open door. What do you hear from the knob? Quiet, Costello. Let me handle this. Mr. Lorry, you say you have a private sanitarium? Oh, yes. And it's just the place for Mr. Costello. It is out in the woods in a very lonely spot where he can get away from it all far, far away. I don't want to get... But please, Mr. Costello, you are scaring me. There's no sense in shouting. That's right, Mr. Costello. Let us speak low. I don't want... That's enough. That's enough. Hey, they like it. Yeah, never mind. Look, pay no attention. Who are this Frank Sinatra? Never mind. Pay no attention to him, Mr. Lorry. I'll bring Costello out to your sanitarium tonight. Oh, yes, please. And at midnight, I hope. When the moon is down. No, tomorrow when the sun is up. Why, Costello, you're acting like an idiot. Yes, Mr. Costello. I've had thousands of patients at my sanitarium and I've never had one of them complain. You know what that proves, don't you? Yes, sir. Dead men tell no tales. I couldn't sleep awake last night. Tonight, before... The time is midnight. Lorry sanitarium in a minute. He's a great Dr. Costello. He'll see that you get some rest and peace. That's what bothers me. I don't want a rest and peace. Quiet. Listen, a friend of mine was just about to die and Dr. Lorry pulled him over the hump. Which way? Peter Lorry sanitarium. 1313 Graves End Road. What an address. Look at the sign on the gate. Deliver all... I now stop complaining. Look how quiet and peaceful it is out here. That's the first robin I've heard this spring. Shut up. Quite a part, wasn't it? You know, this is the kind of a place I've always wanted to visit. Look at that green stuff. Clean to the gate. That green stuff cleaning to the gate is me. Ah, don't be such a coward. Go ahead, up to the door and knock. Oh, so you think I'm a coward, eh? Okay, yeah, but I'll prove you that I'm... I'll prove you I'm a hero. I'll be brave. I'll show you what I'm made of. I'll knock on the door. I'll go in there. But before I do it, there's just one thing I want you to do for me. What's that? Tuck me out of it. Knock on the door. Don't be afraid. Why, Peter Lorry may not even be at home. He's home all right. How do you know? I see a straight jacket hanging on a lion. I'll tell her once and for all, will you please knock on the door? Okay. All right. How do you do, gentlemen? Did you ring? I heard you whistle. Can I have your hat, please? Don't you want the coat, too? No, just a hat. Just a hat? Who are you? I'm a skull. I'm just going out for a walk. Quiet. Here comes Peter Lorry. Welcome to my sanitarium. Now come, Mr. Castello. Let me take you over here. It goes to the fire. Come on, no pushing, Lorry. Quit shoving. Hey, you haven't helped me now. Come on, help me out of here. Castello, Castello. The guy's pushing for the fire. No, nothing of the kind. What's the matter with you? Yes, I mean you, no harm. It's cold out tonight. You must be killed. I mean, sure. I heard you the first time for that. Get what I'm calling brother. Please. Please do not excite yourself, Mr. Castello. All I want you to do is to take a pill. I'm not taking no pill. I'm taking a powder. Now! Wait a minute, Castello. If you want to cure your cold, you've got to listen to Dr. Lorry. Abbott, I'm not sick. All I did was let out a little sneeze. You see, you must not minimize your illness. Here, take this little blue pill. I ain't taking no pill. You heard the man. Take the blue pill. Oh, you always went out. Okay. Oh, good. Now take this red pill. What's the red pill for? Oh, that's in case the blue pill was poisoned. Get away with those pills, Mr. Lorry, will you? Just a minute. Be calm. Take it easy. Relax. I don't want... You see, Doctor? You see, Doctor? Sounds like I'm alone. I... You see, Doctor, I told you that Castello was in bad shape. What he really needs is some exercise. Oh, splendid. Let's go out and play some golf. Golf? At midnight? Oh, yes. Well, last night I played a fine game with my friend Frankenstein. Now, there's a gruesome tosome. It was a very interesting game. Frankenstein made a hole in one, so I buried him in it. You know, I play a very hot game. Hot game? You probably play in the lower Hades. Excuse me, please. That's one of my patients. Oh, Doctor, I just killed my keeper. I just killed my keeper. Well, but why did you kill him? He killed me? Like I wasn't kidding. I was a body behind a couch. Is he dead? I can't tell. His head is missing. Hey, Castello, look. The body is getting up. Have it. He's coming towards me. Then why aren't you laying down? If you must know the floor, I'm getting out of here. Now, stop worrying. There's nothing wrong with this place. What was that? What a coincidence. Mr. Castello, I think you're running a temperature. I must call my assistant. Who's your assistant, Dracula? Oh, no, no. I'm mad at him. I caught him stealing from my blood bank. Dr. Laury, the operating table's already. What? What operating table? You ain't operating on me. I'm not hungry. You're not hungry. You hurt me. I don't want any cold cuts. I must insist, Mr. Castello. My diagnosis shows that the sneeze caused your cold, which caused poison to run through your system. This has affected your appendix, and your appendix must come out. Put him on the operating table, boys. The first guy... You must follow your doctor's advice if you ever expect to get well. Okay, then. Laury, I'll let you take out my appendix on one condition. Good. What's the condition? You've got to take it out from the back. From the back? From the back. That's right. Of course, I got a battleship tattooed on my stomach. Well, Pilla Laury, it certainly was nice to have you with us tonight. Yes. I certainly did. That's not your line, please. Excuse me. Oh, thank you, boss. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Castello. I hope you didn't mind coming to my sanitarium. You should come again sometimes. I will. On visitors' day. Oh, another thing, Mr. Castello. You should take care of your cold. You see, flu flies, and in order to be free from flu, you must flee when flu flies. Say it again, Laury. All right. I will. I mean, without the script, I'll get out of here. Good night, folks. Again next week for another great Aberdeen-Costello show with a great gilder sleep. This is Ken Nile saying, Good night.