 So a lot of guys, I'll give you an example of when I was in the car, the taller girl I was dating, said that remark about having a cousin my height. That's so strange, I finally, yeah, I found someone your height. Now, I could just pretend like it didn't hit, just ignore it. But it sort of bothers me, it's nibbling away at me, the insecurity there. Now, if I'm not honest, then I can't grow, and I also have nothing to say. Because if I say something pretending like it didn't affect me, guess what? Smart girls, they'll pick up on that. Girls who've been, who had some dating experience. Or, and most people actually can tell if you're lying, unless you're a really good actor, because of the power of mirror neurons in our brain. We pick up emotions, we may not know the reasons why you feel that way, but we feel like something's off. If you can just free yourself and stop lying, stop pretending to be somebody you're not, that's gonna be great. I'll give you another example. Let's say you're used to slouching, you're a sloucher. Pretty common in Asia where they eat, like sort of slouching, or they got the backpacks, so they're slouching. And now you've learned that you've got to stand up straight. You've got to have good posture. But the first day you do it, you go to the club, you're standing like a robot. The girl's like looking at you, maybe it's one of your old acquaintances, she's looking at you like, why are you standing like that? You're so weird now. But you know this is right, but it's not natural for you yet. You could say, nothing, I'm not doing anything weird, I'm just all right. But it hurts you, you're like, I'm working so hard at this thing. And it's hurting you, you can't just ignore it. So she's talking about some other topic, but you're still thinking about that. It's too fucking late, you can only be honest, use honesty. So just say what's in your mind. You say, well, I used to slouch a lot, but this guy told me I should stand up straight because it's more attractive and I'm working on it. Which is the truth, that's all you got, and that's the best thing you can say. Pretending to be better than you are, especially if you try to verbalize something is horrible, the girls will see right through it. As well as more powerful people, they can tell when you're bullshitting. Don't bullshit, it's too much stress, tell the truth. So you see when you hit up against that wall, you can't deal with it emotionally, you're not strong enough. Obviously the best response is to not even notice it. You think, that's cute, she's trying to tease me. That's cute, yeah, I see that, and it doesn't even bother you, you think it's funny. But you're not there yet, you're not strong enough, so don't pretend. It's like the guys who work out, they're working out and they're lifting too heavy. They're like, the guys swing in the weights, because everyone else is lifting that weight and they're just trying to swing it. And they're not gonna grow, you look at them like this ridiculous. If the only thing you can curl is a two pound weight, because you're that weak, curl the two pound weight. Don't pretend or you won't grow. That's when you get respect, when you're in there lifting to your max, but you're not, you're keeping good form. I remember when I had to do a strip set with one of my trainers, we started out with curling at a good weight, and then by the end of it, I couldn't even curl the bar. It was just a bar with no weight on it, and I was just struggling. And I started swinging, I said, lean up against the wall, I'm leaning up against the wall, I couldn't even curl, and he's spotting me with his fingers. And then these girls walk by, I'm like, fuck, like at first start I was like, no man, let's put this one down, let's put this one down. He's like, no, keep going, it's burning like crazy. But that's when I grew, man. I was like, fuck it, I gotta put my ego aside to grow in the gym. And that's the same actually when it comes to your emotional strength. There's gonna be times when you wish you didn't feel that way. Well, too fucking bad, you do, and that's the only way you can grow. If you pretend to cheat, or if you pretend, or if you cheat, you're never gonna grow. And by the way, this is inspired by 15th century philosopher from China named Wang Yang Ming. I've written some academic articles on, this is the most famous neo-confucian philosopher arguably. And he had a doctrine called the unity of knowledge and action. So he taught that, and this is applied to moral theory, moral life. That if you don't apply what you learn, if you don't apply your knowledge, if you don't act on it, then you don't really know it. It's just theoretical knowledge. For instance, you could theoretically know that height is not an issue. But when push comes to shove, you don't follow through on that. You don't have the right mindset to back it up. You don't really know it. That was his theory, real knowledge. You need to acquire real knowledge. And the way to get there, just like he says, actually, Wang Yang Ming, is that there's a cyclical process of continuing to try. For instance, the examples he used were for moral philosophy. Let's say you know that you ought to try to save a drowning child in the river. You know that theoretically. I ought to risk my life to save this drowning child, this innocent child. But then, let's say you confronted with it. So that was an example, this drowning child. But you freeze, you don't want to risk your life now. And you don't really know that moral principle, right? And the same applies in dating. To really know where that wall is, you have to tune into your own instincts. You know when there's that off feeling, like, oh, that little tug in your conscience, or that feeling where you're not totally comfortable now. Pay attention to that. Don't hide it. You need to develop emotional awareness of yourself. Real power comes from self-knowledge, right? Emotional intelligence. That's how the change in transformation occurs. So pay attention to those little tugs in your heart. It's like, that hit me, that little shit test got me, or she's walking away and talking to some other guy now. I thought she was mine, that hurts. Pay attention to all of that, because that's the content that you're gonna use for your verbal material. And that's what will help you to grow, right? That's where your weakness is. That's where your wall is. That's where the edge of your comfort zone is. You need to pay attention to that. That's sort of like when you're, I'm so glad I'm sandwiched between two fitness dogs. It's like when you're lifting, the first, let's say you're trying to get, it's a 10 rep set. And you're getting up to the first six reps you can do pretty smoothly. And then the last ones, you're struggling to do those. You need to spot her in the last rep. That's where the growth happens. The first six were just a warm-up. In fact, if you can skip those, you'd save some time. Because where the real power, where the real growth comes from that part that you can't handle, you're struggling. It's coming back down and you're just struggling. That's where the growth is. And emotionally, that's where the maturity is. You've got to get to that edge. And if you can live on the edge, example of David Davis' wonderful book, The Way of the Superior Man, he talks a lot about living on the edge. He doesn't mean like, I don't think he means living on the edge like risking your life all the time. Living on the edge emotionally, where you're at the edge of your comfort zone, where maybe these insecurities are happening, or that neediness, or that jealousy feeling, sit with that. That's where the growth happens. Feel it, learn what it feels like, right? Because an emotion, if you want to get control of your emotion, you have to understand what it's composed of. This is a pretty standard emotion theory that you'll find in philosophy and psychology. Emotion is composed of two components, and you'll see that at the bottom of your handout in bold print. Phenomenology, which is basically, I know it's a long word, basically just means the feeling of it. How it feels physically, this physical sensation of it. Plus the interpretation, the interpretation. For example, there's a snake slithering towards you. You freak out, you panic, you get, your heart rate elevates. This is normal, it's good. Caveman ancestors, if they didn't feel that, they'd probably be dead. Cuz that's, it could be venomous, it could strangle you, it's bad. It's coming towards you, you feel fear. But then, imagine the interpretation changes. So the emotion is fear, the phenomenology is that panic thing, the elevated heart rate. The interpretation is that that's dangerous. But what if it changes, you have a pet snake. Hey, it's Todd. Actually, I don't know what you do with pet snakes. I think you just hold out your arm or something and it comes up on you. I don't know, and you're happy. Because the interpretation changed. If you can change the interpretation, the emotion changes. Let the phenomenology handle itself. So this is where the change occurs in the interpretation. Most people walk around life having their emotions control them. Their neediness, the jealousy. When the girl turns them down, they're like, that hurt my pride or whatever. They approach anxiety. All of that is a result of the false interpretations. That's why with the inner part, we're focusing on the reasons. The true or false, yes or no. Because that attacks the interpretations directly. You need to challenge these interpretations in order to change the emotion. So when you feel the emotion, sit with it. Because it's going to take a little while. You feel the phenomenology. You feel that feeling. Ask yourself why. So the question is this, the magic question. What am I feeling? Don't just say bad. It's not going to help you. Most men's emotional vocabulary is pretty stunted. But try to get a little bit more, is it sorrow? Is it regret? What am I feeling? And why? And you're going to have to ask this why question repeatedly. My experience in coaching is that it takes five or six why questions. You just keep digging deeper and deeper. That's why it's called psychological archaeology. And then that whole thought process, that becomes what to say. You're wondering what to say? You just say this. Whatever the fuck you were just thinking. You just say it out loud. That's your real power. At that point, you don't need any game. You don't need any nags or any openers or any bullshit. You just say whatever the fuck you're feeling. Let's say she says maybe you're on a date, so to speak. Let's say the second time you took this girl out, but you're at this event, this club. It's like a club.