 Here we are in the state of South Carolina, ranked 6th the worst state for domestic violence. That's why awareness is so important. One in three women, one in four men are affected by domestic violence, usually by an intimate partner. Unfortunately, guns have played a big role in this as well. We've seen violence escalate. We're up 11% in our community. It's time for us as a community to come together, continue to put this issue forefront. On Tuesday, City Council will vote on an office that originally started off as gun violence, but now will be about violence prevention to include domestic violence. Because with the rise that's continuing to go on, it's time for us to make sure that we're reaching out to each and every corner of our community and standing up and partnering and protecting and supporting all the families, the victims and the survivors in our community. Today, it may be cloudy, it may be gray, but I'll tell you I look around and I see warmth, love and sunshine in everybody's hearts and minds that are here today. Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining. This is going to be an exciting day for us to get out there, bring awareness and attention to an issue that's in the forefront of our minds and our hearts every day. With that, I'd like to ask Sarah Barber to come up. I want to thank you all for being here. A few years ago, I had lunch with a colleague and she told me how important this event was to her and her family. Her sister had been murdered by her husband and this provided a place for her family to come together every year and to honor her sister's life. Thank you all for being here and giving meaning to this event. I think every October, we gather to build awareness of domestic violence and to mark its impact on our communities. Every October, we recoil from the statistics that the Mayor just told you. But as terrible as statistics are, it's important that we never let them obscure the lives that they represent, the lives harmed and lost and many types of abuse that form the pattern of domestic violence that sears through our families. Individual stories can get lost in numbers and today rather than talk about statistics I want to focus on two of those life stories. The work I do and the hope I carry is rooted in the legacy of Marva Grayson. I met Marva when I was first starting to work in a program that intervened with offenders and her husband had attempted to kill himself and then assaulted her in the emergency room in front of several doctors. After being arrested and spending some time in jail, he was referred to our program. A few weeks later he assaulted Marva again and I started talking to her and talked to her about her possible options, connecting her with sister care so she could work on safety planning and engage her in services that would support her and her children. After a couple of weeks, she didn't answer my calls anymore. Her husband moved back into the house. The calls, as I said, stopped and I can only imagine how bad those days were. The next time I saw Marva's name was in the newspaper a short while later after he had killed her. That was 20 years ago and I still think about Marva every day and although it may seem strange to say that hope I carry is inspired by her it is because of her story that it's just because of her that it carries through the urgency of the work we do and the work we need to do so nobody else has to endure that kind of tragedy. My hope is also found in the story of Scott, a man who abused his wife and family for three years, reducing his wife in his own words to rubble and who was then mad at her because of that and because of what he had done. Scott made the decision to acknowledge the responsibility for his abuse to commit to a program and to make changes in his behavior and beliefs that would enable his family to be a place of safety rather than a fear. His wife and adult sons attest to the positive impact of the changes he chose to make, how it transformed their lives and in their voices we hear the value of this work. The two stories, two very different endings and in that different lies the hope. People can choose to change, communities can choose to focus on prevention to teach everyone about healthy relationships and the unacceptable ability of violence as a tool to control the ones we say we love. We can choose to stop this before it begins. We can choose to use the end of this domestic violence awareness month to commit to working year round for change. It will be hard work, it will make people uncomfortable and it's possible that if we all commit and support each other. So let's not make South Carolina's past and present on the issue of domestic violence of future because we all know that we can do better. Thank you. And for the last 41 years Sister Care has committed and remains committed to empowering survivors of domestic violence and their children. We provide the education to everyone on how power and control the abuse is isolating to one's inner strength. Sister Care welcomes anyone who identifies that they are being controlled by their intimate partner. Sister Care provides trauma informed, survivor driven supportive services and whether the survivor needs a solid and strong voice or the quiet safe place to begin building their life again. Sister Care walks next to the survivor providing the GPS, the options, offering choices without judgment. Sister Care is proud in providing educational opportunities for our youth in learning the difference between what is healthy and what is not healthy in relationships. It is empowering for Sister Care to be with all of you this morning. This community is amazing with so many perspectives, activities, talents and resources here in Columbia. This is what survivors need. They need choices so they can have, quote, a sister, a friend to begin their healing process. Intimate partner violence will not go away unless each person in this community commits and being an advocate. I see all of you as advocates promoting to free families from fear. Everyone does know someone and you don't have to be the expert and you don't have to have the heavy weight of fixing the problem. You begin by believing the victim, give them choices, options, plant those seeds for them and tell them that you will stand with them through their healing process. This will cease the fear of isolation. Sister Care, along with our community partners, thanks you for being here this morning. From the onset of crisis intervention to rebuilding personal strengths and the healthy and happy families, I want to indicate that celebrating success is what we need as a community and we all do belong together. Thank you. Go with me for a moment to what you think death row is like. With a few exceptions. You're imprisoned for a crime you know nothing about. You have no idea why you're in prison. You live with your executioner daily and you never know when the axe is going to fall. And there's no way out. There are no appeals. There's no one to help you. You're trapped. And you believe that the only way out, the only way out is if one of you dies. That is the mindset of a woman living in domestic violence. I know because that was my mindset for many years and I honestly believe that the only way the violence would end is if one of us died. You see, domestic violence crosses all lines. All professional, educational, religious, social, it's everywhere. And the statistics are only the tip of the iceberg because usually they're based on police reports and I would never have called the police. You see, my husband was a high-ranking bank executive here at a big bank in Columbia. We lived in the right neighborhood. My children went to private school. We went to church every Sunday. And there was violence in my home. And no one knew. My mother saw bruises on me and I taught my children to lie about it. So the two questions people always ask, how did you get involved? And why did you stay? Why didn't you just leave? Well, I got involved number one. My family believed in helping people. They were always the first ones there when someone was in pain. And I saw pain in my husband. And there was pain. His mother was mentally ill and she had a very unstable childhood. And you know what? I thought, I can fix that. If I just love him enough, he's going to be okay. You cannot change another person. That is not possible. And the other reason I got involved is a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde issue. He could be quite charming. Everything I wanted, charming, was to give me lunch, give me gifts, be a great father. And then the bad guy would show up. And you never knew when. You could be sitting at the dinner table and all of a sudden plates would hit the wall or there would be a slap. You never knew. And I loved the good guy, but he couldn't stay. So then you ask, why didn't you leave? Well, you see, domestic violence is not about anger. It's not about anger. It is about control. And a major method of control is to destroy a person's belief in him or herself. And he had convinced me I was crazy. How could I make a decision to leave and put my children through an awful divorce? And the lifestyle of a woman usually goes down. That may still be true these days. So I stayed. So one night we had been to a bank Christmas party and he was flirting with another woman very heavily which was a major way of humiliating me. So on the way home, I asked him about it and he hit me so hard against the windshield. My head hit the windshield so hard that I saw stars. And you think that's just an old saying, but no, I saw stars. And I stopped to myself. This continues, I'm going to have brain damage and I have two children. I can't let that happen. So we were driving down to Vine Street at 12 o'clock on a Saturday night and I said, stop the car. I'm not going to be hit anymore. Well he left me, but then he came back and the relationship changed. If you know anything about relationships as a fine balance and if one changes, the other one has to change or leave. So he left in a couple of months, moved in with a much younger woman which had been my nightmare and so when I filed for divorce he wanted to come back. Well you see, I still love a good guy and it was the hardest thing in the world for me not to go back with him and if he had not been for supportive organizations like sister care and people and counseling I think I would have. But for the next year he would come see me during the day and sleep with his girlfriend at night and one day, you know, the most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave or get out of the relationship. And then South Carolina just a few years ago was number one in the nation for several years of number of women killed by men. So I found myself sitting at the kitchen table with a loaded shotgun. Well fortunately he was able to get the gun from me when he arrived but it could have been very different. But shortly after that I realized I needed help. So I admitted myself to a mental health facility. Two reasons. One, I was totally, totally depressed. I was nothing but a blob of jelly on the floor. And two, I had to go somewhere where he could not get to me because he would not stay away. You know, it's that control issue. But I stayed there and the divorce was final. But then I had to get a job. I had a master's degree. I had worked in management but I had left work about six months before I would be home with my son. But no one would hire me. I finally convinced J.B. White's which was a large department store in Richland Mall to hire me as a part-time sales clerk. I knew nothing about how to do that but I learned and the women from the bank who had been my friends would see me and turn the other way. So, but you know what? That job is all it took for me to learn to believe in myself, to begin to learn to believe in myself. So I finally worked my way up to other jobs and I ended up in the governor's office and was fortunate enough to be involved with a national group trying to pass the Americans with Disabilities Act. And I was in Congress when it passed and that was so exciting but you know what? I realized that the law was the way to make a difference in society. So I got the bright idea at the age of 48 I would apply to law school. Well I did and I was accepted and I became a licensed attorney and I do that. I have been doing that. Thank you, thank you. But I will go back for a minute to that hospital and the cafeteria there was a wall about this high and it separated the patients from the staff. I had a master's degree and had been in management and that was so humiliating. But when I became an attorney and I did trial work for a while April and I worked together in the public defender's office I learned a lot from her but then I did appellate work and as part of appellate work you do oral arguments you argue cases before the Supreme Court. Well I have to tell you that's a very anxiety invoking issue but every time I did an argument I remembered that wall and I said I can do this I can do this you see anything anything is possible if a person believes in themselves and that's what you're doing today you're helping women learn to believe in themselves again just by being here just showing that you care helps them learn that believe that and you may ask what happened to my children in half of the home statistics show the children are abused as well and my children were not physically abused but they were emotionally and mentally abused and were going down the wrong paths my daughter was involved with an abuser my son was running with a group that were breaking the law but with a lot of counseling and support because when I left that hospital I said my children and I will have our self-esteem again so with a lot of counseling and intervention my daughter is married to a doctor and has three kids who are in college my son became a doctor a psychiatrist he treats children and adults so you see we're tax-paying citizens yes and it could have been very different but thank you for caring and the mayor and his office for sponsoring this event and sister care and the coalition and the police department thank all of you for caring because you're teaching helping women learn to believe in themselves and that is what it takes Kirk Garner the philosopher said whatever God uses he first has to reduce to nothing but there's hope you come back thank you so much for this thank you y'all please give her a hand for sharing that story it was very powerful all the way from start to finish thank you for being an advocate thank you for sharing your story and letting people know that there are opportunities and there is help out there there is hope remember anything is possible that personal story hits home more than anything else thank you thank you all so much for being here thanks mayor for the introduction everybody for being here I am April Sampson I'm the deputy solicitor for the solicitor's office so don't ask me why I recall solicitors but basically district attorneys fancy name solicitors so my job is to people think my job is to put people in prison but I feel like my job is to help people figure out what to do for those who have done something they shouldn't be doing other time it's helping victims of those who have done something they shouldn't be doing and so I feel like our office is just here to help and so as part of that we come to these events because we want this community to know that we're here to help we often times every day I deal with victims and I was going to talk about I thought that the only two people the two people who have moved me the most in my office happened to be victims of domestic violence and the mostly was with sister care and she's one of my most favorite people but she was abused by man and he she was one of those women she let him hit her one time and that was it ooh boy I think I'm doing something um and she was out ooh what I think I'm good now I don't know what I did she uh he hit her once and he raped her and when she could get out of that situation she did exactly what she we asked everybody to do the police they came and that was when it got even worse it's as Lanell just told you once they try to leave it gets even worse but we were able to help her get her out of that situation sister care came to her aid got her out of that situation and her abuser was put in prison for 20 years that was my job um but what moves me the most about her and I have another victim whose husband ended up killing a friend right in front of her and told her if you don't help me get away with this you're next and we had to put both of those women through trials we had to put both of those women through testifying and both of them told me that is something that has always moved me now as a prosecutor which is you helped me get my voice back you helped me get my power back I was able to look him in the face and tell him you can't do this to me anymore and so that is what I feel like my job is but what I didn't know until today is apparently the first victim who ever moved me was Lanell Durant I didn't know and I think that just shows you how often we keep it silent and I wish more of us would not feel ashamed would not feel like we can't talk about this and that's why you all are here sometimes it's just to lend a ear to the person going through it just to sit and hold their hand because you don't know what anybody is going through I had no idea I worked with her for ten years five years I mean I've known her way longer than that I had no idea but we used to have but bands that we said what would Lanell do not instead of what would Jesus do because she's the best woman but she also cussed so she knows she's got flaws so I could live up to that she's great but she's got flaws I can do that I don't know if I can do what Jesus would do but I can do what Lanell would do and we always did that in the office so you never know who's moving whom you never know so that's what I want to give to you guys you never know what you're doing for others you never know how much you're helping them but just trust me when I say just being there for the women and the men who are going through this is the best thing you could do so thanks for having me I hope if you ever see me it's on your good days and not your bad days but I hope that what I had to say it helps a little bit and if you ever need anything at the solicitor's office we're just right across the street on 1701 Main Street hope you all have a good morning why is what we do every year as we gather like this important 636 that's how many reports of domestic violence police departments responded to this year that's a big number but what we know because what we just heard from Lanell is what two thirds go unreported that's a staggering number so we know we have so much work to do what I just heard from Lanell I mean that buckles your knees and I know that so many that are present here this morning share similar stories from personal knowledge a family member or a friend just in the short time that I was here this morning I had I met survivors I met a mom that lost a daughter and I know there's many friends and family here that are an important support network the work that we see from sister care the courage we see today with our survivors that stand together and put truth to power let their voice be heard that encourages those that are in those that circle of domestic violence that they can't seem to get out of that's the power that they need to get out of it this is as the mayor said we often times talk about gun violence in our community this is equally important and often times it's inter it's inter tangled and we know that so I want to recognize our advocates that are in the back doing what they do their way on the other side of the work that they do in terms of advocacy and connecting with victims of crime especially in the domestic violence arena that work is so important they are an extension of our special victims unit and the burden that those investigators carry every day is very real it's very raw for me you can sense the urgency and the importance of the work that they do and when I say they carry a burden they always are talking about can they do more, should they do more what can they do and I can tell you that we are an important part of helping someone navigate often times and removing themselves from that cycle but we cannot do our job without our partners like sister care and we're so we have the community that we have folks just like yourself that's going to help us one day meet like this to celebrate that we've put an end to this social problem but on behalf of the police department I celebrate our survivors our service providers Lanell you know what you stand for and what you just shared with us today it makes a difference and I can guarantee you it's going to be that moment in time for somebody in this crowd to walk away from a abusive relationship and for that I'm thankful so thank you for being here and standing up for what's right and I look forward to joining you for this walk this morning I wasn't going to say anything but I had to age some of us but I was a public defender with April and Lanell and I'm going to tell you I was a public defender in 2002 in 2003 he says on my age y'all but I used to why I remember when Lanell came and if it's okay if you don't mind me sharing she was very timid when she had to go to court and there were several times I wondered why is she putting herself I mean you were really timid she talks really low but honey when you stood up here in the first cent I said who was that so and when we got here today she asked me what I was doing because we haven't seen each other in years I said well I'm on city council and she said well you're doing good now that I hear what you have said darling you are really doing good you're doing much better than me and so I'm grateful for her story and just like April I didn't know the story and so what I will say is when you see people that you're working with or that you're around and they may not always have a good day or something encourage them because you just never know what kind of circumstances they're going through thank you mayor on behalf of a grateful city thank you all for being here today and we will get here organized and ready to do our walk here in just a few minutes thank you