 So do you want something more than a Situation ship? Well, I'm gonna offer you do this instead of chasing him. So We're gonna talk about what a situation ship is in a moment I do want to address something first and that is I've witnessed a significant percentage of women who seem to be afraid To ask a man about how she he feels about her how he feels about her and so why I'm bringing this up is because when two human beings get together in a Romantic context When there is uncertainty about each other's feelings towards one another what ends up happening is this thing called a Situation ship now a Situation ship or a casual relationship, and I want to differentiate between the two a Situation ship is typically a Engagement into getting to know another human being but there isn't any Diffinity of what's actually going on here. There might be going out to dinners there might be spending time at home There might be physical intimacy with one another without any clear understanding of what the label is of what we're doing, okay? Now you might say to me Jonathan. I'm with a man who says I don't like labels. Well folks Everything comes with a label. This is called a book. Okay, that's a label. This is called a pen. That's a label This is my eyeglass cleaner that has a label So when someone says I don't like labels what that means is I don't want to define the relationship with you and That's why it's called a Relationship now if you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell, okay I'm gonna grab her book. She wrote an amazing book called mating Incaptivity mating in captivity and by the way all the links of the books I recommend are listed below Why I'm bringing this up is she coined the term for relationships that are a little bit more than Situationships and what I'm gonna talk about is casual relationships And this is where there's an agreement of monogamy and an agreement of Exclusivity and the belief the way I've interpreted the way she calls it is she calls that stable ambiguity state stable Ambiguity what stable is there's an agreement to monogamy. There's an agreement to exclusivity, but it's ambiguous as to the direction of the relationship there is there is Ambiguity to the direction of the relationship I believe the reason why this happens is that a Significant percentage of men have a short term mating strategy Versus a long term mating strategy now short term mating strategy is let me spend time with this person Let me have sex with this person and if I have a good time and the sex is good You know then I'll pursue this So long as everything remains good, okay? So long as everything remains good because the minute it is no longer good. No math. It's no longer serves. It's it's It's kind of like these particular men want relationship on their terms on at their beck and call But you might be going well Jonathan all the female energy dating coaches Tell me to sit back to my feminine energy and let a man lead Well, you see when you do that you are basically setting him up to have the relationship on his terms Whereas a man that has a long term mating strategy He's actually viewing you from the potential of compatibility Which encompasses shared values? Lifestyles that are blendable with one another and more importantly emotional maturity Does this woman and or the man because it goes both ways have a capacity to regulate their emotions when there are differences and Do active listening active acknowledging? Active communication with one another emotional maturity includes having your actions match your word Consistently emotional maturity is being in victor consciousness instead of victim consciousness and sadly here in the United States We are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness and emotional maturity means you know how to You know when you have differences, you know how to listen to your partner's point of view Acknowledge your partner's point of view and Even accept their point of view is being true for them. That's emotional maturity. Motion of maturity means you have empathy and Not just empathy for them for them the other person Empathy for yourself and emotional maturity means that if something is material the relationship You're gonna talk about it as soon as it's possible to talk about it You're gonna be transparent with one another because emotional maturity in the context of a Serious relationship is all about building trust Building trust with one another So I have a radical idea This isn't that radical I brought it up before but I want to lean into this conversation You know Dating isn't is you know off. Okay, so I want you to think of two sovereign beings You're a being and they're a being okay to sovereign beings coming together Okay, now most we have this traditional expectation that men are the leaders of the dating process Men are the provider protectors. They're the ones who plan dates and pay dates, okay? So I want you to think about that and because my hand here is above this hand It's a one-up one-down type of environment I'm here to encourage something a little different to sovereign beings coming together and let me give you an analogy to illustrate this. I Want you to think of two Attorneys could be two men could be two women could be a man and woman doesn't matter Okay, two attorneys will call it a man and a woman in this particular case Who decide that they want to start a law firm together? Okay? The way they approach this process is this two Sovereign beings and what they do is they ask about what are you what do you want to accomplish in this law firm in this? Partnership, okay What do you bring to the table and what do I bring to the table now? They also find out their past experience. Do they have any do they have any contracts with people out there? Do they have any debts with people out there? They find out a lot about their past experience and Then they then they sign a contract together to form this partnership Okay, well, how does this apply to dating and relationships? And I want to share a book with you in a moment because this kind of illustrates this So what if we date? From that perspective We find out as much about their past as we can possibly find out Okay to make sure that and there isn't any Residue from that past that will affect this relationship now residue could be a past relationship that somebody is still hung up on it could be You know financial Concerns it could be maybe even in their professional capacity There might be some residue from that past that could affect anything in the future and you do your due diligence. I call this I call this Radical honesty Laying your cards on the table and I call it the rules of engagement So what radical honesty is is being upfront right from the get-go and having serious radical conversations Laying your cards on the table includes talking about your past experiences and How that might have some effect on any future experience and by the way It doesn't mean just your past relationships as I said before it could be any facet of your life, okay? And the rules of engagement basically kind of like that partnership agreement that those two attorneys had they have this Partnership they have a written agreement Well the rules of engagement could include my dating vows if you're not familiar with my dating vows And what that means is that we you was and by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my dating vows it establishes the Context of how we're going to explore this relationship together But Jonathan that's going to turn off a lot of guys Well, yeah, because most men have a short term mating strategy See those of you that are so afraid to speak up is because you're counting on the guy to choose you Instead of you standing up for your sovereignty before you ever have physical intimacy with somebody and The rules of engagement basically outlines the type of relationship you see So this is one of the things I want you to do instead instead of chasing his Affections and hoping he chooses you by just merely showing up I want you to establish your standards right from the get-go and Only choose men who are in agreement with your standards Now I want to talk with you about another radical concept here so It used to be an olden time So up until about it fifty a hundred plus years ago and before it used to be people knew each other for Literally a short period of time and they got married so they could have sex. I mean back in the 40s 30s 40s 50s I mean people dated for a few days or weeks and got married You know, I have a friend of mine whose parents got married after 12 days of knowing each other now Obviously today that would be insanity and certainly women don't need to get married from financial purposes or whatnot But I'm here to say if two people have had conscious conversations with one another They've agreed they're gonna explore a relationship together. They've agreed to be physically intimate with one another I'm gonna offer a suggestion going forward and that would be that you each agree to spend two weeks in each other's homes Respectfully in each other's homes day in day out for two weeks You do it once at two weeks in his home. He does two weeks at your home Just to see how you get along with one another now. This is a radical concept, but let me tell you where this was birthed from I Watch this TV show calls luck called I watch I've watched this TV show called love is blind, okay? and In it you spend this time getting to know someone without physically seeing them and when you physically meet them the next day you're whisked off to a week honeymoon with this person where you spend seven days together and then You spend eight weeks with the person living with them in a home that's provided by the studio Okay, and you get to see who this person really is. Well, it's fascinating that basically I would say You know seven or eight out of ten of the couples never make it past the eight weeks Okay, they never eventually get married in a few do back to lead the latest season. It was shocking how many did But wouldn't you rather let me ask you all a question. Would you rather invest? eight weeks of Intense getting to know someone to see if there's potential versus what our current dating environment is Situationships or casual relationships. I actually think dating is just a long strung-out version of friends with benefits and people will spend years Without ever really getting to know someone. They're just spending time together. I call these people spenders They are in situationships or casual relationships. Now. I know this is a radical idea Okay, and it's probably you might say well, this isn't practical Jonathan We live too far away to do this or our our work environment but think about this for a second if two people live far from one another and Their work environment makes it difficult for them to get to know each other on a day-in-day-out basis Then what's going to make this relationship ever work in the future? Like I want you to almost think downstream and apply it to today In other words, if your lifestyles are are kind of mismatched, you know when you all are living in this fantasy women Particularly live in a fantasy. Well, if we love each other, we'll figure it out Look it There isn't some that there is no doubt that love is a juicy delicious experience. There's no doubt about it That's what makes relationships worth making the effort Love doesn't make a relationship work because if that's the case Why didn't millions upon millions upon millions of people get married and not work out? They loved each other Well, they fell out of love Well, they fell out of love a lot of times because they were a mismatch to begin with and they jumped in either Too soon like those couples we talked about in the beginning or they let it strung out and then it failed So I'm here to offer a radical way of looking at things to dive in To see if you actually really get along with this person it but here's the thing Ladies in particular if you're willing to give your body, you know, with another human being then Why aren't you willing to go and do some radical stuff different because our current dating environment is not working the way It is it's just not and So, you know, this is why I offer an alternate perspective. I'm not saying this is an absolute But let's face it to get to know another human being You need to see them in a variety of different experiences our current dating methodology Like I said, it's a long drawn-out version of friends with benefits. It's really a long draw. Most couples aren't Integrating each most humans are not integrating into each other's lives. That's why they're called Situationships, that's why they're casual serious relationships Integrate each other into their lives. They spend time with the grandkids. They spend time with the children They spend time at the work functions. They spend time going grocery shopping with each other They do the seat. Here's I hope you got this far It's in the mundane things that they do together That real Commitment is built It is through the mundane things that real commitment is built. It is not through the superficial things I recently wrote in a blog that romance should be reserved for People that are in relationship not as an entry point into relationship you see we have it backwards here We here believe that chemistry equals relationship success and that's the furthest thing from the truth Chemistry is important. We need it and Romance is important too, but not as an entry point into a relationship that should be reserved for couples that are already in a relationship because then it makes the relationship sweeter to be in Rather as an entry point because you've all heard of love bombing you all heard of coming on strong You've all heard about lust and limerence See being an emotional grown-up means trying something different And if you need some support with that schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you I just got a call from a client. She's inner. She's in a brand new relationship And she said to me and I quote Jonathan for the first time in my life. I can tell the difference Because I'm operating on brand new software. I'm not operating from software that is so old and outdated Because everything she learned prior to our conversation was wrong everything she learned about relationships is wrong So try something different that's my invitation for you be radically honest lay your cards on the table do that instead of chasing somebody's affections Because the reality is is you're not going to be happy at the end of the day if you can't be with someone where you can speak from the heart Speak from that heart center space instead of that for lack of a better word desperate place And when you find yourself with somebody who's not willing to meet you there, you know what you say just like ariana Ariana Grande said in her song. Thank you next. Thank you next and with that note I'm going to wrap up it first if you have something to say post a comment below I'd like to hear all your thoughts this video was shot for my group called midlife love mastery If you'd like to have direct access to me on a regular basis Go to my website Jonathan as a calm. There's a link below hit that group coaching button so you can join my fantastic group and You can have direct access to me on a regular basis And I'm going to sign up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow Love I'm going to reach into the camera. Please excuse those pit stains and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give either of them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now