 Listen to the rhythm of Will Augsburg at his orchestra, the great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews. And that humpy-dumpy little daddy's boy, who went and asked what he'd like to give his father next Sunday, quickly replied, Castella, you got mine, lady! Castella, you got the wackiest family I've ever saw. Yesterday, they were all walking around the house, all walking around the house carrying signs. You know that, Abbott? We're picketing the kitchen. Picketing the kitchen? A floor. Shorter hours between meals and longer spaghetti. And another thing, Castella, I noticed that you've got three police dogs sleeping in your parlor. When did you buy them? We didn't. Them police dogs, they don't belong to us, Abbott. Then what are they doing in your parlor? They'll finance company, put them down to watch their furniture. Castella, I love you. All right, love, please. How can you have all your relatives living with you? We put bleachers in our guest rooms. Oh, please. What a bunch. I noticed your Uncle Artie's Stevens has a very bad cold. How did that happen? Well, you see, Uncle Artie sleeps with his pet skunk. And at two o'clock in the morning, the skunk got up and opened the window. No, that's great, Ziggy. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, I get it. That's what he did. Tell me, Castella. Will you listen to me, please? Is your Uncle Mike still living with you? I beg your pardon? Is your Uncle Mike still living with you? Oh, my Uncle Mike! You know I was lost for a second? Oh, you sure? Yeah, yeah, and he's very helpful around the house. He is? Last week, he connected the radio up to the washing machine. What good is that? Now, every time my mother washes Pops Red Brunels, Frank Sinatra sings, Supasad, Supasad, not some more Supasad! All right, all right. Yeah, all right. Will you please? What's the matter with you? Supasad? Yeah, you said that. We get a case of Supasad. All right. All right, we'll get it, but that's not the point. Your father should ask him to move. Oh, he will when he finds out that Uncle Mike hung the shower curtains in the living room. He hung the shower curtains in the living room? What happened? What happened? Well, my Aunt May went to take a bath. She slipped off her bathrobe, grabbed the soap, pulled back the shower curtains, and stepped right out on the front porch. And she sang, Supasad! Rock, Castella, what became of your cousin, Tilly? Doesn't she live at your house anymore? Oh, no, we had to get rid of Tilly, Abbot. She was ruining our front hall. Tilly was ruining your front hall? Yeah, she's so bullied. She scraped all the paper off the wall. Tell me, Castella, how did your cousin Tilly get so bullied? That was caused by the ship she took coming from Patterson to Hollywood. Oh, no, no, no. How could Tilly's ship from New Jersey to California make her bullied? He hitch-hiked a ride on an oil truck. Castella, why did your family ever come to California in the first place? Well, my Uncle Mike came out here to sell his invention. He invented magnetized cheese for catching rats. Magnetized cheese for catching rats? Yes. And this cheese is so powerful that any rat will stick to it like glue. Well, why does your Uncle Mike sell it? He can't get it out of his hands. Oh, that's disastrous. All your Uncle Mike does around here is go to the race track. I saw him out there this Saturday. He had to go to the race track, Abbot, to work on his new experiment. He's crossing a horse with a fish. Now, wait a minute, Castella. That's impossible. Nobody can cross a horse with a fish. Well, I heard him tell my Aunt May that he put a fin on a horse's nose. All right, look. Castella, you're a nimble soul. Why do you continually insist on showing your ignorance? What's the good of having ignorance if you can't show it? You are even dumber than your Uncle Mike. Why did your Aunt May ever marry him? She married Uncle Mike because she reminded her of her first seven husbands. Your Aunt May had seven husbands, and they were all like your Uncle Mike who had a gamble she took with love. Yeah, she finally hit the jerk pot. The judge. Castella, I suffice with your father living with a bunch of parasites. What did you say? I said your relatives are parasites. That's a lie. They are not parasites. They're Americans just like you and me. Castella, why don't you do something to make your father happy? Look, why don't you go out and get a job? Oh, I couldn't do that, Abbot, because I promised my mother I would never hurt anybody's feelings. You're giving a job couldn't hurt anybody's feelings. It could hurt mine. Besides, I tried to get a job in the Air Force as a bombardier. But they turned me down. Yeah, I don't believe that. Okay, I'll read you this Friday. They sent me here. It says right here. Dear Lou Costello, we cannot use you in the Air Force as a bombardier. The general listened to your program last Thursday night, and he said Costello may be all right on the radio, but how do we know he can raise those eggs from 10,000 feet? Ah, get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. Get them out of there. There is no you. Well, Costello? There's a taxi. Call him. Call a taxi? Yeah, call him. Oh, taxi, taxi! Hey, hey, hey, heavy! Are you okay? No, but I'm going steady. Okay, okay, hop in. Hop in! Hop in! I'll take you down to the department so you can get a present for your father. How did you know we were going there? I got a script, too. If your father wasn't my landlord, I'd fire you off this show tonight, brother. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. And if I wasn't bigger than you, I'd punch you right in the nose. It so happens that I am bigger than you. That's a better reason. Oh, come on, Costello. Let's go before the store closes. My goodness, Costello, this department store is certainly crowded. Oh, this is nothing. You should have been here with me Saturday. They had a sale on men's trousers. What a mob! How them women were grabbing the stuff. How them women were begging the cappellans, I've got to get some trousers for my husband. I've got to get some trousers for my husband. Did you get them? He must have. I went home without my pants. Oh, thank you. Pardon, Patty Boy. Aren't you Lucas Colo? Yeah, that's me. Well, I've been following you all around this store. I've got a very important message for you. Is this special delivery? No, it's telegraph. And it's 50 cents collect. Okay, here's the 50 cents. Oh, thanks. I'll sing it for you. Happy Father's Day to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Lucas the Hill. Lucas the Hill. Lucas the Hill. Lucas Colo. Oh, but that's it. Lucas Colo, who sent that telegraph? I did. You did. Well, in the first place, this is his father's day. And in the second place, you don't even know him. Oh, that's right. But can you think of a better way to make a half a buck? Not so long yet, chubby little rascal. That's what you get for talking to strangers, Gus Colo. But come on. We've got to find a present for your father. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, Clark. What's on your mind? Wrap round and it'll fit. I'd like to see some underwear that would fit me. Who wouldn't? Lucas, what are you lying to me? It's your information, chubby. This is a lady's land-giving department. And I am a model C. A model C? A young man. Be careful how you talk to that lady. She may be a woman. Boy, this girl is suffering. This girl is suffering from too much health. Hey, have a try at that guy. No, we can't. The manpower commission froze him to this job. Yeah? Well, remind me to defrost him in the morning. Hey, cut the look. There's the notion counter over there. Maybe we could get something there, huh? Oh, look at that. We're going to get something. We're going to get something. We're going to get something. We're going to get something. Maybe we could get something there, huh? Oh, look at that girl behind the counter. Would she be beautiful? Gorgeous. Have you got any notions? No. And if you all got any, you'd better get rid of them. Oh, detective. And he's 65 inches tall. He weighs 270 pounds. And yesterday, a fresh guy like you flirted with me and my daddy bashed his head in. Now, what do you want? Gloves, socks, or handcuffs? I'll take an apron. Hey, look, Crisella. Now, there's something that would be very nice for your father. A nice soft pillow, filled up with down. Up with down. Oh, certainly. You see that pillow up there? That's down. How can it be down if it's up there? You tell me, I'm not talking about where it is. I'm talking about what it is. The pillow is up, but it's down. It's up, but it's down. Ah, but are we both looking at the same pillow? Of course. Of course, that pillow up there. Then you admit that the pillow is up. Certainly it's up, but it's down. Look, I've been watching that pillow and it isn't yet. It's still up there. That's right. You just said it was down. How did it get down? It didn't get down. It is down. It's always been down. That pillow is down even when it's up. One of us is next. That pillow is down, Castella. You get down off a duck's back. That's a lie. I never even got up on a duck's back. I didn't say you got up on a duck's back. I said you get down off a duck's back. How can I get down off a duck if I never got on a duck's back? Please. You don't get off a duck's back if you don't get on. I mean, when I say the pillow is down, I don't mean down like in the direction down. I mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back. And that kind of down can be up or down and it's still down. Oh, when you say the pillow is down, you don't mean down like the direction down. You mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back and that kind of down can be up or down and it's still down. Now you've got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get him out of here. Well fellas, hold on now, here's lovely Connie Haynes with a kiss, a kiss, goodnight. A kiss, goodnight, is alright, but remember this, goodnight, never kiss. A kiss, goodnight, where the heart's real tight, is nothing, sort of bliss. And a kiss, goodnight, leads to another kiss, in some secluded space. Lately, lends to people, never could be like a stupid kiss. Goodnight and night, at three or four, doesn't know more. Kiss me once, kiss me twice, oh baby how you kiss me so nice, I will suggest you a kiss. Kiss me again, where the heart's real tight, is nothing, sort of bliss. Well Castella, we've been all through the storm, you still haven't bought your father's present. I don't know what to get him out of it, every time I get him a present he loses it. Last year I bought him a watch, he lost it. You bought him a watch and he lost it? Yeah. How did he lose it? He couldn't keep up the payment. Right. Oh, thanks Castella, look, hey, there's your Aunt Eva in the sporting goods department. Now I wonder what she's shopping for. Oh, she's going to buy my Uncle Tom a shotgun. Did your Uncle Tom tell her what kind of a shotgun to get? No. He don't even know she's going to shoot him. And Eva's very mean to your Uncle Tom. He is not. Two years ago she made him a sponge cake. A sponge cake? Yep. He still uses it every time he takes a bath. Now that's silly Castella. Look, why don't you get your father a book or a game, something to amuse him? I couldn't do that of it. Last Christmas I got him an electric train to play with and he had a terrible accident. Oh, now, come, come. How did your father have an accident with a toy train? He was running it in the living room and when the train went by, he thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. All right. He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. He's dead. Well, I've got to figure out the second time. All right. Say it again, man. I don't care. He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. All right. All right. You don't keep your puff tickets. Yeah, all right. Hold on. I've got an idea. Why don't you get him something to wear? Hey, how about a full dress suit? Oh, you know my father ain't a fancy dresser. Your mother should make him dress up. Yes, sir. Why, my mother has to sprinkle tacks around the house to get him to wear shoes. Castella, there must be something that your father needs. I got it. I know exactly what you need. What is it? I'll get him a vest with rubber pockets. What does your father need a vest with rubber pockets for? Of course, when he eats up, he always likes to take home the wet pee bags. All right. Stop it, Joker. Anything. Anything you get, it's better. Go ahead. Buy him the vest. And now, Castella, if you're going to step out with your father, you should get yourself a new seat. All your clothes look terrible. I can't help it. I wish I had somebody to pick up my clothes for me. Now, you know I'm glad you said that, Castella, because right here in this store they have the world's greatest authority on men clothes. Ah, greetings, gentlemen. I am the world's greatest authority on men's styles, Professor Mellonhead. Better known as fashion plate Mellonhead. Fashion what, Mellonhead? Fashion plate. Plate. Your head looks more like a soup bowl. Hey, get away from that shiny dome. I see more hair on a sense of toothbrush. Fellow, wherever I go, my head arouses admiration. Your head would arouse the mother instinct in an ostrich. And it would get results. Now, now, Castella, you should not, Professor, say, I've not better looking things than that with a croquet, Mellonhead. Hey, Mellonhead, if you can get two more guys with heads like yours, I can just do the job. Doing what? Hanging out in front of a pawn shop. With a skull like yours, I bet you don't get any girls. No, for your information, Castella, I get more girls than I can shake a stick at. Yeah, but who wants to go around shaking sticks at girls? Come, come, Castella, we're wasting time. Professor Mellonhead, do you think you could make a well-dressed man out of Castella? Abbott, I could make two well-dressed men out of him and have enough left over to make an overstuffed midget. Now, Castella, the trouble with you, Mr. Lucas, is that you're all in a shape. Look at you. Instead of your shoulders being square, your stomach is square. Well, I can't help it, Mellonhead. That's because I eat Wheaties. Wheaties? Eating Wheaties makes your stomach square? I eat the boxes, too. Now, Castella, look. To correct the slope in your shoulders, I will have to pad them up. What are you going to pad them up with? Down. Up with down? Down is up, yeah. Get up and back this way. Now, wait a minute. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who's that face? Who's that face? Oh, never mind that face. That's not sexy. Oh, that's not anything of the kind. Shut up, Castella. There's only trying to help you. Of course, Mr. Rabbit is right. You know I'm lost again. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You're right ahead, Mr. Rabbit. Thank you. Right ahead. All right. All right. Who talks, who ties you? Mr. Rabbit is right. Mr. Rabbit is right, Castella. You look like an embryonic warfress. Now, look. What's the idea of wearing... Find a place to find my pot. I'm wearing it. I'm going to find it on what racket? Look how you're dressed. What's the idea of wearing that locket around your neck? You shouldn't have mentioned that, Mellonhead. I wear this locket as a remembrance to my old girlfriend, poor Ruby. In here is a lock of her hair. Oh, I'm sorry. Is Ruby gone? Nope. But her hair is old. Why are you irritating him? But still, if I were your father, I'd give you a Mickey. Mellonhead, if you was my father, I'd take it. Come, come, Professor. All this is not getting Castella dressed up now. You're right, Abbott. Castella, how about your clothes? Do you have flannel? Yes. Do you have gabardine? Yes. Do you have twills? What? I said, do you have twills? Only when I go out with germs. Good, good. All right. Now, Castella, I will repair your entire sortarial ensemble. First, I will put a zipper on your steer sucker. I'll cut the braid edges off your cashmere. I will twist your tweed, shorten your shape. I'll take a sharp needle, put a few stitches in your worsted, and then I will run a hot iron over your herringbone. You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve. Cut, cut, Castella. Don't cut, cut me, Mellonhead. This time you have gone too far. I didn't say nothing when you took me for a sucker with that zipper. I kept my mouth shut when you put twisted tweed in my Chevrolet. I didn't squeal when you took that sharp needle and put stitches in that innocent cashier. When you took that hot iron and deliberately burned that poor herringbone, you not only appeared on my good name, but you have cast aspersion on Hart, Schaffner, and Groucho Mark. Oh, get her out of here. We've been listening to the Abbot and Castello show with Will Osburn and his orchestra, Ken Niles, and with songs by Bob Matthews and Connie Hain. In the time that remained, we present music by Harry Sosnick and his orchestra, chorus, and piano soloists.