 is no open mouth kissing because kissing is a very intimate thing. And it occurs to me that today we treat kissing very cavalier, but more importantly, we treat sex as equally cavalier when it comes to the mating process. And so in many cases where, and particularly for men, I think, you know, people now evaluate kissing as very benign, but also for men in particular, that sex is rather benign. In other words, it's no big deal. And yet, when you're in the dating process and you get physically intimate with someone, you might feel like you're getting to know them. You might feel like you might actually be intimate with them, just like in the movie Pretty Woman, you know, open mouth kissing is very intimate. And you might believe that someone is being intimate with you. And yet sadly, many men don't value physical intimacy as something that is emotionally intimate. And so today we're going to lean into the conversation of how to actually determine if someone is even capable of being emotionally intimate with you. Now, I think it's important to recognize that when men, for those of you that have heard the rhetoric that men are on the hunt, excuse me, men are on men love the chase. And they might seem like they're very open and emotional during this period of time. And that's certainly true at a baseline level. A man can be rather open in the beginning, especially if he's talking about his past and he's talking about it from a problematic perspective. And what I mean to say, you have to be very careful for those that talk about their past relationships in a negative light. And the reality is, is for those of us in midlife, for those of us in midlife, there's a good chance we've had one, two, three significant relationships. There might be a marriage in there for some people, there might be two marriages, there might be a long term relationship in there, or a series of short lived relationships. When someone is complaining about their past, it might seem like they're being vulnerable. They might be authentic and they're transparent. And yet, are they really capable of opening up to you at a deeper emotional level? And today, we're going to explore what is needed for that for a man to actually open up at a deeper emotional level. I think it's important to recognize that in today's dating, unlike the past, used to be in the past that when a man liked you, he pursued you. You love the idea of him being chivalrous and he's opening car doors and he's taking you out to dinners. And there's oftentimes romance that seems to be the hook to bring someone in. Now today, people are hyper focused on what their list covers. And more important, they're hyper focused on attraction, especially in the area of looks. Instead of some of the important characteristics needed for a healthy happy relationship, which I'm going to share in a moment. But I want you to think about this for a second. In today's dating market environment, unlike the past, there's such a hyper focus on our list of what we need, because many of us have a list of what we don't want. Let me ask you something. Do you have a list of what you don't want in a relationship? I'm sure you have a list of boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. In addition, we then hyper focus on attraction, that romantic piece, that physical attraction piece, instead of the real roots to a healthy happy relationship. Have any of you watched the Indian matchmaking? This is a matchmaker from India that tries to pair people together based on a lot of criteria that isn't necessarily based on looks, but it's more based on values. That's right. When two people connect because their values are aligned and their lifestyles are aligned. And more importantly, their emotional maturity aligned, they have a greater chance for relationship success. In a moment, I'm going to share with you what's it going to take for a man to open up. But I want to share with you six things that are critically important for a relationship to actually take off. I got sidetracked for a moment and it's important to physically be in each other's presence regularly during a short period of time. In other words, during a six-week period of time, ideally seeing each other as much as you possibly can see each other to truly get to know one another because what is dating? Dating is a process of getting to know another person. It's evaluating if this person is capable of a serious relationship. And yet, again, many of you are hyper focused on the need for romance to feel a sense of attraction for a person instead of the more important things that we're going to talk about right now. So what is needed to actually get a man to open up? Well, for two people, they need to have good character. Now, I believe most people have good character for the most part. Good character. In other words, most people are good people. There's very few truly bad people in the world. Most people have decent character. But they need to be kind as well. And there are a lot of wounded human beings that aren't very kind. And yes, there are a lot of wounded beings that their character isn't about being mindful for others. It's more about themselves. I get that. More importantly, they need to have an agreeable and give her type of personality. This is something to really focus on. Are they a giver? Are they do they have an agreeable personality? Or are there wounds in such a place where they're confrontational? They're critical. In addition, they need to Did I talk? Oh, I forgot to talk about fun and playfulness. That's critically needed for a healthy, happy relationship for two people to have fun and two people to have play. And beside the last one, they need to be intentional. Do they intentionally want something beyond the surface? And last but not least, have they healed from the wounds from their past? Because if you really want to get a man to get a sense of how a man feels about you, it's critically important to get a sense of his past relationships, his past relationships, and find out what happened in those past relationships because your past is an indicator of how you would operate in the future. And yet, many of you, I've done this myself. I've listened to a person talk about their past relationships. They were so wounded from their last relationships. They were so hurt that quite frankly, that bleeds in that residue bleeds into their capacity to actually be truly intentional in any future relationship. So sadly, folks, dating is a process of being a detective. And one of the most important questions you might want to consider asking a man is how can I trust you beyond fidelity? How can I trust you? Why should I trust you? Another question, how and why should I trust you? And trust, and it's critically important, this doesn't have to do with fidelity. This is, how do I know you have my best interest in hand? How do I know you have my best interest in hand? Folks, let me tell you something. If you approach the process from a strong, confident perspective in your sovereignty and your self-worth, but also a sense of virtue, most men, if you are intentional by declaring what it is you want in relationship, it will scare the looky lose away. It will scare the looky lose away. Because believe it or not, men do have a virtue button within them. If they believe that you're virtuous, they are less likely to use you. That's right, they're less likely to use you. Now, that means that 90% of men will run if you set your intention, you establish your standards early on. So what do standards look like? Well, I'm going to give you an example of the standard I used. I wandered a relationship where we saw each other at least two, three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that led to either moving in together or getting married. So that was my standard. What is your standard? My invitation for you is to really decide what is your standard. But Jonathan, I'm in a relationship with a guy that lives 100 miles away and we don't get to see each other very frequently. Folks, telephone-based relationships are the weakest form of relationship. If you really want to know how a man feels about you, it is going to happen in physical presence with one another. It is in the doing of things together. I've interviewed now a dozen of my friends who have recently, when I say recently, in the last 10 years met someone, and most of them, by the way, 95% of this group of men I'm talking to had met their partner through an online connection, through an online connection. Whether it was a dating app, whether it was a social media app, they met through an online connection. And the one common denominator was when they liked this person, they wanted to spend as much time as possible with this person. That's a good indicator. And these are the men capable of opening up because they actually want to build a life with someone. When you're doing part-time dating, when you're doing part-time relationships, they turn into casual relationships because there's no real deep roots of trust built in the early stage. And more importantly, it's not just trust, it's a deep sense of friendship with someone. Folks, I know many of you believe you have friends because you're talking to them on the phone, and it's great that you feel connection with them. And they might even open up over the phone. You might be thinking they're totally opening up. But guess what? Opening up over the phone is no different than someone talking to a therapist on a phone. If you want to build a deep, rooted relationship with someone, it's going to require. It takes, look at, Jay Shetty says it takes about 40 hours of face-to-face time to get to know someone. I say it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust. And Jay Shetty goes on to say it takes 200 hours of face-to-face time to build a friendship with someone. And let me just say this, this 200 hours has to happen in a relatively short period of time, not over years, not over years. And so this is the challenge that many people face is that they believe that the man that they're talking to on the phone is opening up, but they're not engaging in a relationship with you because truly getting to know someone, truly getting a man to open up is going to happen in the doing of things when you can actually do things together and then talk about the things that you're doing together. Is this making sense? Is this resonating with you all? I hope it is because ladies, you are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, not the guy. I know many of you would like to just sit back in your feminine energy and let the man lead, but as I've said repeatedly, folks, most men are clueless. They're winging it. They're winging it. When you establish your standard, when you establish your boundaries, it gives the man a roadmap. And when it comes to opening up to a man, let me just say this, to get to know how a man feels, it starts by leading by example. We men are poor communicators of our feelings. So when you begin to express your feelings, when you start to express and like it's when I talk about expressing your feelings, it starts by saying, I like you. That's a great way to say that's something how you feel. I like you. I appreciate you. I care about you. Tell me more. I'd like to hear about things. And if they are reluctance, then coming back to what I said earlier, remember I said character, remember I said kindness, remember I said fun and play, remember I said agreeable and given and remember I said intentional. One of the most critically important things you must be aware of has this person healed from their past relationships. Because again, for those of us in midlife who have had maybe one, two or three significant relationships, if someone is truly wounded from their past relationships, it makes your relationship with them is the placeholder relationship oftentimes we call this the transition relationship. The relationship with you ends up healing him. But guess what happens? He then ends the relationship with you to be a bright shiny penny with someone else. This is why if people haven't truly done the inner work to heal. By the way, for example, in my book, what the heck is self love anyway, a journey of personal development, self help and spiritual work, all the links below I recommend are of my books are I have an outline of books I highly recommend here. Recommended reading, studying, teachings and workshops to actually for you also to heal so you can be in a better place. But again, human beings by the time they middle hit midlife, we have this belief that they're more emotionally mature. But guess what? Most men in particular and women too are emotionally constipated. They're backed up because there's a there's a blockage in many of them. So while they might want some occasional companionship while they might want some occasional connection, while they might occasionally want sex with you. It's more critically important to evaluate this person's capacity to actually open up because you can't take a broken person and hope they'll open up or you can. But what oftentimes happens and I'm just being mindful, listen, I'm your protector. I'm your big brother. If I could be there on a first date, I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's face and saying what's your intentions with my sister because it used to be if you treated someone poorly, there was a consequence to it. You have to be your own matchmaker. You have to be your own advocate in your life because guess what? No one else is being your advocate. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Look at one of the things I do in my private coaching when I work with clients is I help them be a better picker to fix their broken picker because we all have a broken picker. Because again, we hype tend to hyper focus on the list and we hyper focus on looks instead of character, kindness, fun and playfulness, agreeable giver, intentional and more importantly healed. If you need some support, check out the link right here to free discovery call. There's a link below to schedule a call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right. I think this will be a great place to start taking questions since we're doing a live stream today. If you're following my live and you have a question, write the word question then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's my son who passed away over almost five years ago in his honor. I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute. And if you're watching the replay, please hit that super thanks button as well. All right. If you have a question, again, post the question in the chat box. We are going to take questions. Let's see. Leaf goes on. By the way, leaf is in the house. True. CC. That's when one or another makes necessary decision after the appropriate discussion. Can rent out your place or accept friendship and be happy for one another and find someone else. Oh, you're commenting on someone else. Okay. Thanks, leaf. Mary says, what if you're too old to form a lifelong relationship but still want to be with someone? Well, listen, the internet is riddled riddled or not riddled. It is a plethora, excuse me, a plethora of people that simply want a casual relationship. If all you want is a casual part-time relationship, believe me. Actually, I think you would have a better chance of getting all of the wounded men that's all they want. So yes, you don't have to build a lifelong relationship with someone. That just happens to be what I advocate for. That's what I advocate for. I work with women who actually want life partners. And oh my God, I got a letter or I got a postcard from a client who just got married and she attributes it to the videos and the work I've done with her. So I get those all the time engagements living together. So for those that are intentional, I can help you. But believe me, there are plenty of men out there that want casual relationships. All right, Elena goes on to ask question. Debster D how to wait, Debster D how to date a widower? What's a proper amount of time for him to wait to date after the death? Excuse me for slurping. By the way, my coffee mug says swear a little, you'll feel better. By the way, folks, these are my weekend videos where I don't swear. This is a very tricky one. It depends on how she passed away and it also depends on how deeply in love he was with her. I think today, in fact, my ex-mother-in-law, she married a widower. In fact, she ended up being married to him longer than he was married to his wife, who he had three children with and they were married for 25 years. And he had been, I think his wife passed away a year before he met her. Okay, so this is a very tricky question. So it comes back to what I was starting to say. It depends on how she passed away. Was it cancer? Was it an accident? Was it abrupt? And it depends on how deeply in love he was with her. A lot of men who are widowers, keep in mind, if he deeply loves someone and passed away, that's going to be part of his life. And it should be a part of his life just like folks, I lost a child. My child is part of my life. I didn't stop loving him when he passed away. So many of you who are dating widowers need to know that you might, there is a ghost in the room often times, but that doesn't mean that they're not capable of building a new life with someone else. So I don't want to set an actual rule of time, but it certainly depends on has he healed from that, just like it took me a long time to heal after my son passed away. And I would say a good couple years might be needed for someone to actually be capable of leaning into a healthy, happy relationship. So thank you so much for that question. All right. Dexter D. Oh, I didn't know there's no question there. So any rights question, I'm dating a guy and he is busy with work. When I meet him, he doesn't ask that many questions to get to know me, but still text every day he expresses in the beginning he wants to build something. Okay. So this is a let me just put it bluntly. When a man is into you, he wants to monopolize your time. That's it. When a man puts you in the maybe category, he might be communicating with other women. And the texting is because here's the reason why guys text is because you he knows you're alive wire, so to speak. In other words, he there's a connection with you. And people are lonely today. People are thirsty for connection. We live in a world now where there's not listen, we live in a dysfunctional world. And let me explain what I mean by this. I watch history. Think about hundreds of years ago when you lived in tribes, when you lived in community, you felt a sense of oneness with other people in your lives. Today people are very isolated. You know, you might have a small circle of friends and you're not interacting with them on a day in, day out basis. So what happens is we use technology to temporarily feed our need of significance, our need for connection, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they want a significant relationship with you folks. When a man is into you, when he feels like you're not the one, but one that he wants to maybe consider, he will spend as much time with you. So the fact that he's busy and the fact that he just because he texts doesn't mean it's anything. It really doesn't mean anything. I would say be dating other people and don't don't give your heart to someone who can't spend regular time with you. All right. Yvette says, question, is it passivity for a man that has just finished his divorce, be capable of being in a relationship, or should there be a particular amount of time for him to process? Okay, listen, somebody who's done a lot of personal development work, self-help and spiritual work, they don't need nearly as much time to process the ending of relationship for those compared to those who have done little or no work on themselves. So what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results? So when someone ends a relationship, they haven't evaluated, they might focus on what they don't want going forward, but they haven't really evaluated the real ending of that relationship. And so it doesn't matter the time. I mean, sure, they might, but they could take years. If they've done no work, they may never heal. So it's really how much work have they done to heal their past will be the indicator of how they'll actually process a new relationship in the future. Is that making sense of that? Okay, question. Stay well and strong says, have you seen different relationship challenges during COVID-19? Well, different date, different relationship challenges, you know, I think COVID was a reset on some level. And you really got some couples really got to see who they were really with and they found out that they were with someone who wasn't truly compatible with them. Again, they've hyper focused on the surface level of relationships. I think, oh, and by the way, the other thing about COVID, I know couples that had completely different opinions about COVID and different opinions about vaccines. And I know two married people that literally have brought them to the brink of ending their relationship over their opinions on this. So, you know, when they say opposites attract, I'm like, no, they don't attract one another. They can repel one another. But I don't really know how to answer that question without maybe if you had a specific example, we could explore that one. So, thank you for the question. Any rights question, a life together and have kids, but he has a busy work life and he broke up with wait, and his ex broke up with him for that reason. I don't want to make the same mistake. I'm anxious. Okay, some men have their libido in their professional life, their whole existence centers around their professional life. And what they're seeking is a part time companion, part time connection, part time sex, they might even commit to that by being monogamous and exclusive. But are they really wanting to build a life with you? That's a question that you want to explore again. The more you ask more folks, I talk about it radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. What is radical honesty? Being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent, laying your cards on the table. That is basically sharing your past experiences and what did you learn from your past experiences and you both engage in that. And the rules of engagement is what is the standard going forward if we are going to explore a relationship together? Folks, remember I started this conversation about kissing and sex? These are two intimate things. And yet we treat them so cavalierly. And yet they're the, that's, that's, listen, the ideal relationship is being with your best friend who you get to have sex with. That's the best relationships. Today we focus on the sex piece instead of building the real friendship piece. And if someone doesn't have a lifestyle that can, that fits into building friendship, then what's the point of being with them? Anyway, that's my two cents on that, any. Jehalar writes question. I'm 54 and still clam up like a teenager when I meet a man that I really like. I have important questions but can't seem to ask, what is my problem? Well, it's scary to ask these questions. It's scary because you might, you have a fear that it might scare a man away. But I want you to think about it. If you met someone new as a friend, just merely as a friend, would you be afraid to ask questions? I don't think so. By the way, I've come to the conclusion why I clean my glasses so much is because I need new glasses. These are cloudy now. So I think by doing cleaning them, I think I'm fixing them. Folks, it takes courage to open up. It takes a lot of courage. It's not easy to open up to another person. I get it. It's not easy. But at the same time, that's where intimacy is built. So start small. By the way, there's an app here called Cardex. This is by the Gottman Institute. And here's, they have great, listen, date questions. What would you do if you won $100,000? What toys did you like playing as a kid? When you were a kid, do you remember what you liked to do? If you had a superpower, what would it be? Folks, I want you to think about this. Given the fact that we're meeting total strangers and we know nothing about their backstory. When I said it takes 100 hours of face-to-face time to build trust, think of all the questions you need answered. To really trust this person. And yet today trust is built if a man gives you, loves bombs you and tells you how wonderful and validates you for a period of time. We can have sex with you without ever really getting to know you and without ever really being in a place where we really want you in our lives. I want you to really, ladies, I hate to say it, but women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. The longer you hold off being physically intimate with someone, the greater chance for relationship success. And so by taking, listen, by, you know, most people have sex on the first, second, third date these days. I'm saying try to hold out till the seventh, eight, ninth, tenth date to have sex. Least you get a better sense. And 10 dates in a relatively short period of time, you have a better chance of knowing who this person is. All right, I think this will be our last, oh, this is one from one of our Facebook members, by the way, or excuse me, from my group, Midlife Love Mastery. In the link below, if you want to have direct access to me on a regular basis, check out my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Question. When you feel his interest waning, what's the best way to ask about his intentions? Simply that, what are your intentions? You know, I once, I once had a woman, I briefly dated a woman for three weeks and I started to pull back and she said something that really helped initiate the conversation. She said, Jonathan, my intuition is telling me that you're pulling back is my intuition right. And in that, I was able to open up and say, you know, I just wasn't feeling what I'd hope to be feeling at this point. I wasn't feeling what I'd hope to be feeling at this point. And she goes, I guess there's no other place to go. And I said, yes, I mean, I, folks, you know, when a man genuinely wants to explore a relationship with you, he's going to be intentional day in, day out, day in, day out. Now, maybe the first couple dates, there's this, there's this kind of like, I'm not sure, but by the time a guy gets to seven, eight, nine, 10 dates with you, and he's progressing, he's progressing it forward. And again, in a short period of time, at least within a six week, three to six week period, you should have physically seen each other at least seven to 10 times within a three to six week period with each other. And then if he starts pulling back, the reality is, you know, here's the thing. Love is an intangible. It's something we can't control. We're either feeling it or not. You have a greater chance for success when someone is again, in a short period of time, progressing the relationship forward, provided he is healed from his past relationships, you have a greater chance for success. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, folks, this is my Sunday video. I really wanted to just jump on, share a little bit and then move forward. I appreciate all the comments here. I hope you had value in this. If you did, please check out the links below to a discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you. My group, Midlife Love Mastery, you can check out my dating vows. You can follow me on Instagram. If you liked this video, please hit that thumbs up button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barag of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, Teddy Bear pillow. You have itter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank, let's see, I want to thank Elena and Sandra and our Facebook group, Midlife Love Mastery in Maryland, and Julie and Gail and Charlotte and Power of Chee and Christine and Kingsdale. And Leif is in the house. Everyone, thanks so much. You have a great weekend. Bye now.