 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, he's just not that in you. Five signs he's not interested in long term. All right, really quickly before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a contrarian, so I see the world a little bit differently and if my content does spark some curiosity from you great and if it doesn't, that's okay too. All right, let's jump into, he's just not that into you, five signs, he's not interested in long term. Okay, now I know you'd much rather hear about the five signs that he's into you, but here's the thing, I find that a lot of women are holding out for the wrong guy over and over and over again. So I wanted to lean into this conversation today and maybe you can glean a different way to approach the dating, mating or relating process. So now here's the thing, I want us to go backwards in time a little bit because back in the day, 70, 100 plus years ago, the average courtship was less than eight weeks. I repeat that the average courtship was less than eight weeks and whether it was arranged marriages or you met someone in your town, if you wanted to get laid, you basically had to get married. You had to make the ultimate commitment with someone and because they made the ultimate commitment with another person, they were actually more invested in trying to make the relationship work out. And so these days, a lot of human beings, men and women alike, rely on strong chemistry to initiate the relationship process because these days were meeting total strangers for the most part. Let me repeat that, we're meeting total strangers, which was unlike 75, 100 thousands of years ago because you probably met someone in the tribe you were in or the village you were in or the small town you lived in or maybe even in your work environment. So there was a chance you had a level of familiarity with this person that helped ignite the relationship because maybe if you grew up in the same town, you shared the same values, your lifestyles were blendable and if you had chemistry, then the relationship took off. Now the challenge with today and in particular with midlife is that today, as I said a moment ago, we're meeting total strangers. So we lack that sense of familiarity, that sense of connection and maybe even the sense of shared values or even lifestyles that can work together. So there's a lot more moving parts in the process. Let me repeat that, there's a lot more moving parts to the process than the fantasy that the men are just gonna claim you because these men are hunters and they chase relationships. Wait a minute, let me say that again. Men are hunters and they chase relationship, Jonathan. That's the belief many of you have about the idea of hunting. The idea of hunting has nothing with men being hunters has nothing to do with men hunting relationships. They might hunt sex, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're hunting relationship. So this is one of the fundamental problems in the dating process is we don't know people and we don't know their intentions. We don't know what they truly want. And I see this from men and women as well. Ladies, I know you are all relational and you want relationship more than men, but quite frankly, doesn't mean you're any better at the process just because you tend to want relationship more than men. And yet many of you will dive on the sword believing that you're more altruistic because you want relationships more than men. And I'm not saying all women out there, I'm saying a lot of you. So let's just agree that men and women are rather clueless in the dating, mating and relating process. And this is especially true for midlife. And I know a lot of women that don't think otherwise, I can tell you as a coach and let me tell you something, every single time I work with a client, they all say the same thing. I know what I want. I know what I want. I know what I want. Then they go through my proprietary coaching program that I created and after six weeks, they all say the same. Jonathan, why didn't they teach us this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I dated that knucklehead or married the wrong guy? Yes, we all need to be reeducated, not even reeducated, we need to be educated on how to actually even be in a healthy happy relationship. And sadly, most humans don't know how because they're not operating as a grownup. They're not operating as a grownup. So if you want to read a great book, how to be an adult in relationship, this would be a great book to read to start. And maybe if you're dating someone, buy a copy of this for them as well. Because I got to tell you, men and women act like children in the dating process. And you're probably going, Jonathan, what does this have to do with the five signs? Okay, I'm gonna get to that in a second. So I wanted to set the stage of where we're at and why we have so many problems. And the reality is, is for midlife, because men aren't on the hunt for a wife in midlife. Let me repeat that, they're not on the hunt for a wife to make babies with. Most men and women have a capacity, only have a capacity to be in a casual relationship, a casual relationship, where they're basically experiencing connection and sex and maybe a little bit of companionship without any forethought or any intention of pursuing it from a partnership base, from a partnership base. And I'm gonna talk about that in a little bit, okay? But I wanna establish this base that men and women alike are operating from the place of casual. So ladies, when you're talking to a guy on a first date and you say, hey, what are you looking for? You know, when you say, are you looking for a relationship? And he said, yes. Well, here's the thing. Your definition of a relationship might be very different than his definition of a relationship. But you too heard the words of relationship and he says, oh yeah, I'm seeking a relationship and you're hearing, well, he wants to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building schools, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to getting married or living together. That might be what you're thinking and he's thinking, yeah, I'd like to see you once a week at my discretion, okay? Until you learn to ask better questions, which we'll talk about in a moment, you're gonna be stuck in this loop over and over and over again. And what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. So what are five signs? And by the way, there could be dozens of signs that he's not interested in the long term. These are five that I wanna share with you today. I might do a part two at some point. But let me put on my trusty glasses. Here's my notes. He's just not that any of five signs he's seeking. He's not interested in long term. Okay, number one. And folks, you already know this one. Communication and planning to get together begins to fall off, fall off. I'm gonna repeat that. Communication with each other and planning dates with each other begins to fall off. Now, I know a lot of you ladies put all the responsibility on the men to initiate communication and the men to initiate dates. And I'm here to say, I'm a big believer of two people traveling like they're on a two lane street together in mutual effort. So if you put the expectation always on him to communicate and to initiate dates, well, first off, you're giving the job to the wrong person, first and foremost. But I'm here to say, when you're active participant in the process, it takes the pressure off of him always being active in the process. So what happens is if you basically have an expectation that's all on him and he's not interested, it's gonna start to weigh. However, if you start initiating those phone calls and start initiating times to get together and you notice he doesn't engage with you, that's a great sign, he's not interested in long term. So rather than wait months to see his behavior go like this, why not treat the process right from the get go of a two lane street because you're gonna weed out the wrong guys much sooner in the process rather than because again, you took off like a rocket because you had this great chemistry to begin with and then you find it fizzling because he's not intentional about the process. And we're gonna talk about that a little bit more in a second. All right, number two. Oh, he hasn't suggested meeting your family or your friends nor has it been vice versa. So he hasn't introduced you to his family and friends. Men who are genuinely serious about a long term relationship are excited to introduce you to their family and friends. Now, you may not wanna do this on the first, second, third, five, seven, then nine, 10th date, I went through that. First, six, seven, eight, one, first, second, third, fourth, fifth, six, seven, eight, nine, 10th date. You may not do that because you don't know if you wanna build a relationship with someone. However, when you've agreed that you're in a relationship together and you've had sex together, that's about the time to start incorporating your life together, start blending some of your lives together. And if he avoids either meeting your family and friends or he avoids introducing you, by the way, a man could meet your family and friends but they might avoid the other way around or they might do it the other way around. They might introduce you to their family and friends but avoid yours. These are signs when it's not mutual in this process. That's a sign that they're not interested in the long term. Now, there's exception to the rule. Sometimes there's shame in with people's families on both sides, believe me. I love my sister with all my heart. I shouldn't throw her under the bus like this but there are times I don't wanna introduce her to people and I mean, she's a great woman but sometimes she drives me nuts or my brother drives me nuts but I certainly, not but, and I would certainly introduce them but I might have some reservations at times but that's the exception, not the rule, okay? So if they're not actively introducing you to their family and friends or vice versa, that's a good sign that they're not interested in long term. Number three, their energy is off. He begins to feel distant, he begins to feel distant and most likely there might be some chaos going on in his life. In other words, his house isn't in order and I don't mean his literal house. I mean, his figurative house is in order. Maybe it's his professional life, maybe as a contentious divorce going on, maybe as issues with his children, maybe as physical issues. When a man starts to become distant, starts pulling away, there is a good chance there's some chaos going on in his life and he'll start expressing that chaos as his exit clause to let you, so their exit clause is basically this, they lay the foundation of the problems going on in their life as a way to say, I'm not ready for a significant relationship. I'm gonna repeat that, I'm not ready for a significant relationship. So they'll start laying the crumbs of all the problems going on or crumbs, crumbs, crumbs, crumbs, of all the problems as a precursor to saying I'm just not ready for a serious relationship. I find it interesting why they don't lay these crumbs on the first, second, or third date and it's maybe because they're laying the crumbs of I wanna get laid, I wanna get laid, I wanna get laid. All right, so if their energy is off, he begins feeling distant and there's chaos going on, there's a good chance he's laying the foundation to exit the relationship. Number four, this is kind of, this actually does happen, he stops initiating sex or he starts to decrease the amount of sex he's having with you, it's less frequent and this is a telltale sign. This is because for men, sex can be a very emotional experience for us beyond the physical and so when a man is pulling away sexually, that's because it's a sign that he might be moving on unless he has some pre, you know, unless he has some erectile dysfunction or some other issues going on, most men at midlife are still rather horny even in their 60s and 70s and while they might not wanna have sex with you five times a week or twice a day or three times a day, certainly most men want to have a regular healthy sex life with someone so if they start pulling away sexually, that's a pretty good sign. He's not ready for long-term because he wants to remove himself from his perception of the emotional aspects of the relationship as a, again, as a precursor to basically setting up his exit clause and last but not least, and again, I could come up with a dozen of these, he starts picking fights with you, he complains about you or worse, he starts criticizing you. Let me repeat that, he starts picking fights, he complains about you or he criticizes you. Men and women do this very often is that this is a precursor to sabotaging the relationship. I'm gonna repeat that, it's a precursor to sabotaging the relationship because let's face it, a healthy happy couple can agree to disagree about things, certainly you can not necessarily see the world the same way and yet, if somebody is habitually complaining, criticizing or picking fights, there's a good chance that's a precursor to wanting to exit the relationship. The problem is a lot of guys, they tend to nest in relationships, so we almost pick fights as a way to get you to break up with us. Let me repeat that, we pick fights, so you break up with us. This isn't all men, this is a percentage of men that do this, but again, if you're starting to see these signs, less communication, not introducing you to family and friends, starts pulling away distance because there's chaos going along, not initiating sex as frequently and picking fights with you, there's a good chance that he's getting ready to end the relationship, he's not gonna go long term. So what's the solution to this? What do we do knowing this information? Folks, I'm a big proponent of asking better questions right from the get go to determine if you're on the same page. One of the reasons why I created my private coaching, by the way, there's a link below, and if you wanna schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you, my area of expertise is to teach you how to ask better questions right from the get go before you get too involved with a guy based on your personality and how to vet for emotional maturity. I'm gonna repeat that, how to vet for emotional maturity, going back to do you wanna date a boy or an adult in relationship, okay? That's my area of expertise, so check out the link. So the solution is learning to ask the better questions right from the get go to determine if you're on the same page. But Jonathan, you're not supposed to interview someone on a date. Bullshit! It should be an interrogation. You wanna interrogate the motherfucker, right from the get go, folks. Stop this passive way of dating and start being intentional. Start using radical honesty to pre-qualify your prospects. In fact, one of the exercises in my private coaching is called radical honesty, pre-qualifying your prospect, folks. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. So all that leaning back in your feminine energy, expecting him to claim you isn't working. And by the way, I am all for being in your empowered energy and I am all for you being in your self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-reliance and most importantly, self-love. And if you're not familiar with my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? There's a link below to get my book. I am all for empowered energy for men and women to be empowered. Has nothing to do with masculine and feminine energy. It's about being in your individual empowered energy. So you don't have to put the label on it, just be in your empowered energy. And let me just tell you something, an empowered woman doesn't put up with bullshit and an empowered woman isn't afraid to ask tough questions right from the get-go. Let me tell you something. If a guy likes you and he's into you, you can ask the tough questions right from the get-go. And if you need some help with that, you might wanna also check out this book. Are you the one for me? Are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis? I love, love, love this book. It is such a great book. Look at how thick that is. Folks, you will improve your dating prospects 10 fold just by ordering this book. And I'm here to say, if you stop treating the dating process from the traditional rules-based way, and by the way, I got the updated version of the book, The Rules, Dating, The Do's and Do's from a Digital Generation. Let me just tell you something that this book suggests in the back. The rules taught a generation of women how to successfully play hard to get in the process, which has helped millions of women get Mr. Right. Let me tell you something. Playing hard to get temporarily gets the wrong guy into you. I mean, Pete, that temporarily gets the wrong guy into you. This bullshit game way playing of dating is gonna get you into a relationship with the wrong guy, and then you're gonna be miserable for fucking years. Don't play games. Don't use hard to get. Don't lean back. Start leaning into being a better detective. And let me just tell you something, folks. If you haven't learned human behavior by now, then you better start. And I highly recommend ordering these two books attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendricks and Helen Hunt. Folks, these two books teach human behavior. If you don't start understanding human behavior, you are behind the eight ball. But let me tell you something. Do you wanna go out on one date that goes nowhere, two dates that go nowhere, five dates that go nowhere with one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 different men? Fuck no. Start learning how to ask better questions, and that will improve your process. So you can avoid those five signs that the guy's not interested in you because you can actually determine this sooner rather than later. All right. I think I set it up to cover the topic. Now it's time for Q&A. So for those who are on the live stream right now, there's a chat box where you can post a question, write the word question, and then post the question thereafter or purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat. If you purchase a Super Sticker, Super Chat, all the funds go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. There's a picture of Connor in the Obey shirt. He's my son who passed away a few years ago. And in his honor, I've created a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those who are in need and also to donate to personal development causes that are near and dear to me like the Hoffman processor Insight. So purchase a Super Sticker, Super Chat or write the word question and post the question thereafter. We are gonna jump in the Q&A. And by the way, if you're listening to the recording right now, just I'll do my best to read them succinctly so you can know what's going on. All right. So let's check out the Q&A board. All right. Coco writes, how do you cope if your partner would be open to seeing others he wanted to? How do you cope? Okay. Coping. You cope with self-love. Folks, here's the thing. If the person you like or the person you're dating wants something different than you, you have to understand what a standard and what a boundary is. A standard is what you want in the, specifically in the area of relationship is what do you want in a relationship? So let me give you an example. I seek a relationship where we spend three or four days a night a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy that is all exclusive, leading to either getting married or living together. That's my standard. My boundary is, if you have the need to date other people, bye-bye, boundaries are simply what's okay and what's not okay for me. And you could simply say, if this is the case, you know what, I'm seeking a relationship where it's monogamous and exclusive. What are you seeking? You just ask the question. Oh, I'm seeking a relationship where I can date you and I can date her and I can fuck her and I can fuck her and I can fuck her and I can fuck her and I can fuck her. That's what I'm looking for. Not Jonathan Asley, but I'm pretending to be the guy. Does that feel good to you? That he wants to date multiple people and sleep with multiple people? If that feels good to you, then go for it. And if it doesn't feel good, say, homie, don't play that game. Homie, don't play that game. Next, or next out. So that's how, so coping with it, I think the challenge is that you're, the coping part is a representation that you want him to behave different than he is. And you need to cope with the idea that he doesn't want what you want. So then you're hyper focused on it being about what you, well, how do I say this properly? I'm got tongue tied here, so forgive me for a second. If you have to cope with it, it's because you're in a misalignment that you're misaligned to your own self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-reliance, self-discipline, which is all wrapped up in self-love. It's not about coping. It's about integrating the loving within yourself. And listen, folks, if you can't, it's gonna be very hard to be in a fully committed relationship, in a healthy, happy way. If you don't fucking love yourself, if you don't fucking love yourself, how can you fucking love another human being? And I use the word fucking, I use the word fucking, by the way, let that shit go as my mug. So because it's an emphasis, it emphasized it at the epitome, fucking love yourself to the point where it doesn't matter what someone else does because you feel good about yourself and that's my invitation for you, Coco. So it's not about coping, it's about loving on yourself and that's my invitation for you. And I'm sorry that happened for you. This was a great question. I really appreciate it and I hope I helped. So thank you so much. Thank you, Coco. All right, let's go swimming if we have more questions. Jennifer says, fuck that, I interview men because I want marriage. I ask questions right away. Way to go, Jennifer. You're a woman after my own heart, way to go. Let's see, let's go swimming, let's go. If you have a question, post the word question or purchase a super sticker, super chat. Gina wrote, Jonathan, how do you tell the difference between a man who's not interested or a man who's really shy? Okay, great question. So shy men tend to be quiet people. They tend to be quiet, they tend to be quiet. They oftentimes might be HSP. And from what I understand now, roughly about 25% of the population is HSP, which is highly sensitive people. So they might be shy because it might be information, might be, I say information overload, might be that when there's a lot of connectivity, they tend to go inward. Again, I'm not an expert in this area of human behavior, but shy people tend to be a little bit quieter. Shy people tend to be a little more withdrawn. They prefer smaller groups than crowds, okay? That just tends to be that way. With that said, what they don't do is that they're still consistent in communication and planning dates. They want to get, they're open to exploring, getting to meet your family and friends. They will still initiate sex. There isn't, if there isn't chaos going on in life, they're not planning their exit clause or exit strategy. And lastly, what was my last one? And they're not picking fights with you. Shy people don't necessarily pick fights. So the difference is the disinterested person is doing all the things to sabotage the relationship. The shy person isn't sabotaging it. Most likely the shy person doesn't feel overly safe. Maybe they lack a little bit of self-love. So I have a solution for you and I recommend this. I would purchase two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Purchase two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Let me tell you why. These, this book has created great questions to talk to one another. Look at these chapters to talk to one another about the important things in a relationship. And what this will create is intimacy, intimacy between the two of you. Intimacy means into me you see. And I've got another book I recommend. It's called Oral Sex, Talking and Listening Your Way to Passionate Intimacy. Folks, so what if he's shy? You can break him out of his shyness by talking with him about deeper things. Talk to him about deeper things instead of the surface conversation. How's your day going? Is your day going good? Hope your day is going good. Is your day going really good? I've been thinking about you. I hope your day is good. This is about 90% of the bullshit rhetoric that goes on between men and women and their text messaging. How's your day? Like that's the best they can do. They lack depth. You know, it's interesting. Well, I'm gonna go off on a tangent here for a second. But it's interesting. I had a woman email me today on a dating site and I mentioned that we live quite a bit, quite a bit of distance from one another. And what she wrote back was a real clear succinct understanding of what I was saying. She goes, you know what? I can understand what you're talking about. It's not easy to do those things like spontaneous, let's do Netflix and chill or watching the sunset together or going for bike ride. There's a little bit more work involved. What I most appreciate it was she went beyond the surface. And this is what I'm doing my best. It's why I scream at the top of my lungs. I want everybody to go beyond the surface rhetoric of dating, going back to the stupid original book The Rules and start going into a deeper level of dating. This is why I highly recommend reading the book, Making Love, How to Make Love All the Time by Barbara DeAngeles. This has so much great information to go deeper than the surface that most humans are dating these days. And let me just say something, ladies. The wrong guys run away quickly and the right guys lean in. In fact, they actually appreciate that you're making this effort. So it takes all the pressure off of us when you start in it. Again, the right guys appreciate this. If they're genuinely interested in you and they're genuinely interested in long term. You know, the challenge with most people is they're just not into each other enough to make the effort. And I'm here to say there is a way to make that happen by asking better questions and becoming intimate. And I don't mean penis and vagina intimate. I mean, into me you see, into me you see. That's what intimacy stands for. So that's my invitation for everyone. And going back to your original question about the shy guy, the difference between the shy guy, he's usually just quiet, but he's engaged. And that's how you can tell the difference. Okay, Gina, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's see what else we have. Purchase a super stick or super chat to tell me you're appreciating me right now. I'd really appreciate that as well. All right, let's see. We have a question from C.O. Mama. C.O. Mama, co-mama, okay. I have high standards, but I've been told that I'm high maintenance because I know what I want and I don't put up with the yes. Okay, thank you for telling me that. You didn't ask a question. So what is your question? By the way, folks, when people criticize, by the way, okay, I'm gonna go off, here's the thing. By the way, if you haven't read the book, The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements, what those people are doing is projecting their bullshit on you. I'm gonna repeat that, they're projecting your bullshit on you. It's not constructive criticism to tell someone you're high maintenance. Now, if they're going to maybe express what it is you're doing that's different than someone else, I can appreciate constructive criticism, but The Four Agreements, be impeccable with your word. Always do your best. Remember that don't make assumptions about others and understand that people's projections or criticisms of you is often a projection of themselves and that's what I was leaning into there. So with that said, I'm here to say, who gives a fuck what someone else thinks of you? However, it doesn't hurt to get constructive criticism at times and I will tell you that entitled behavior, a lot of women act very entitled. I was watching a video earlier of a woman who says, I will not go out on a date with a man unless he takes me out to a fancy dinner. I will not go out on a date with a man unless he takes me out to a fancy dinner. I won't go out on a date with a man who won't take me into a fancy dinner. This was a TikTok video. That is riddled with entitlement. I expect you to be a giver, but I don't have to give shit. That's an element of high maintenance and both men experience high maintenance from women who have expectations and yet are unwilling to give it the same level that they wanna get. So with this said, I'm not suggesting that's you. I'm here to say, first off, who gives a fuck what anyone else says about you? However, if you need constructive criticism, hire me, talk to a good friend. By the way, be careful of your female friends. Talk to a male friend who actually knows you. Maybe that would be the person to get advice from. Or hire me, schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you to see if you're genuinely high maintenance or not. And by the way, I can figure that out relatively quickly based on my initial questionnaire I give client when a woman works with me. So just remember, you might need some support and some help on that. So who was that that post that question? Coco, thank you so much. I appreciate that. Or it wasn't Coco, it was... Oh, I don't remember who it was now. Ko Mama. Okay, thanks so much. I wanna thank Ouija for the $5 Super Sticker. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate you making this environment much better. I appreciate your comment on that. Thanks so much. All right, we are rocking and rolling today. Question from Katina. How to tell he wants a second date? First date was great, but not sure how interested he is. Okay, that one's interest, that's easy. He plans the date. That's how you know he's interested. Now, if you got on a first date with someone, usually a guy who wants to see you will either lock you up for the next date at that moment before the date ends, or he's contacting you very quickly, usually within one or two days. At the very most, you'll have to wait one or two days. That's how you know. There's really no other way to know. He either says it right afterwards and he makes a plan or he does it a few days later. That's the sign he wants to see you a second time. The problem here with dating is we... Folks, we have to understand that the getting to know you phase is challenging because a lot of times we're dating with a lot of doubt. In other words, unless there's amazing chemistry between two people, there's always gonna be tons of doubt. Ladies, you're feeling doubt whether or not you're attracted to him, whether or not he's a good person. He's feeling doubt about you, so there can be reservations about a second date. By the way, this is one of the reasons why I encourage women to call the guy up and say, hey, I had such a great time with you. I'd like to show you my appreciation that you treat on the date. I'd like to show my appreciation by taking you out for drinks Thursday night or Friday night, which works better for you. Now, if he's not interested, he's gonna say thank you or he's gonna go or he's not gonna respond, okay? But if he is interested, now you've established the second date. So folks, stop playing the rules-based way of expecting men to chase. You can make effort too. You can. It's okay. A man's penis will not fall off. It will not make his penis shrink up because he's intimidated because I'm not Jonathan. I'll be in my masculine energy if I ask a guy out and that's gonna intimidate him. Look it, unless you got a shotgun pointed to his face, unless you're physically bigger than him, you can't intimidate him. Only a weak guy gets intimidated, but do you wanna be with a weak guy anyway? So you can make effort as well. That's my invitation for you. All right, thanks so much. I appreciate that question. All right, I wanna thank Kim Turner for giving me a few good questions in order to vet a new date. My favorite first question to ask someone, what does commitment look like for you? What does commitment look like for you? So folks, commitment, you guys know my standard. Commitment looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and kids, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, all in an exclusive relationship where we either live together at some point or get married. That's what commitment looks like to me. Here's what most guys are gonna say. Huh? That's a deer in the headlight. What does commitment look like? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But the problem is ladies, you don't know what commitment looks like for you. I'm gonna tell you something. I had a coaching call a couple of years ago. A woman calls me up, telling me about the relationship she in. She says, Jonathan, I want more commitment from the guy I'm with. We've been dating nine months. I'm like, great. What does commitment look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like, great. What does it look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. Great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, like she thought screaming was actually describing. Screaming doesn't describe anything. So saying it louder didn't change. You did not know what you wanted in this particular case. So coming back to Kim, ask the question, what does commitment look like for you? And listen to how he responds because then you can determine if maybe you're not on the same page or you are on the same page. That's a good question. Another good question to ask someone is, how fucked up are you? And I'm just joking. But actually asking somebody about, about their emotional wellbeing, surprisingly, you can catch people off guard by saying, you know what? I've noticed a lot of guys seem really fucked up in the dating process. How fucked up are you? You say it with humor. You say it with a tongue in cheek, but you'll be surprised. Men will divulge their dysfunctionality if they are relatively fucked up. I mean, a smart, intuitive man won't, but most men are unconscious. So if you do it in a fun way, just saying, hey, I've noticed a lot of guys seem really fucked up in the dating process. Is this normal? How fucked up are you? You say it with a smiling face. He might divulge his dysfunctionality and you might be able to go bye-bye much sooner. So those are two quick questions. You might want to try, Kim. Hope that helps. Thanks so much. All right, let's go swimming. Liz Taylor says, let's be real then. I agree. Nicole says, I know I'm fucked up as I haven't even dated since my, by the way, I ran into my high school prom date recently. My girl, I dated in high school and her husband passed away a year ago as well. So I'm sending you a big hug of love right now. I'm sending Kim Turner, sounds like Scooby-Doo. I don't know. Thanks so much. I appreciate that. All right. Kelly says, projections of the past can get to you if you let it speak life into new love, less doubt and more questions. Exactly. Robin says, Jonathan, you sound like Scooby-Doo. I didn't think about that, but thank you. Hey, Doug is in the house. Doug, I find that things that might have actually worked can easily fall apart between the first and second date due to doubts by each or the other things happen. Yes, Doug brings up a good point. So folks, I've had great first dates. And as a matter of fact, this happened within the last four or five months. I had a really nice date with a woman. Then the next morning I woke up going, I don't wanna see her again. I was feeling resistance. And I didn't know why. I was just feeling some resistance. And as I explored it, I came up with a lot of rationalizations in my head, but I was just feeling resistance. Sometimes we feel resistance because our intuition is saying, no, no, no, no, no. And not because she was a bad person. In fact, she was an amazing person. When you reached a highly attuned level in your intuition, your intuition speaks to you in a very silent voice because that resistance wasn't fear or anxiety, it was just like, wow, I'm just feeling resistance. So it is common from the first to second date, from after the first date to maybe hit a wall. And like in my case, I'm pretty highly attuned to my intuition, but that's very common. Listen folks, it takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time, a hundred hours of face-to-face time to develop the first stage of trust in a relationship. Let me repeat that. It takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time to develop the first layer of trust. And trust is built through layers. So just understand this. This is why, listen, some women have learned to date like men. Men don't get attached to the future outcome. We might futurize with you. Listen, when men are excited and we're horny and we're feeling lust or limerence, we might plan your entire future with them on the first, second, or third day. Usually it's the first or second day, okay? We have a habit of what's called futurizing, meaning we try it on for size. But here's the thing. We are never attached to that outcome. Ladies, the minute you like a guy, you are attached to the future. You are so hyper-focused on the future instead of appreciating the experience. And when you're focused on the future, you've created an expectation. And as my friend Guy Blue says, expectation is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister. If you create an expectation of a future with a guy, you are setting yourself up for failure until you've actually established a deep, rich, committed relationship together, committed relationship, and you are co-creating the relationship together. This is why I continually recommend reading the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, purchase two copies, read it together before the penis goes inside the vagina. And if you wanna learn how to actually develop a deeper relationship, I highly recommend reading a couple books. You might wanna read the book, Mating and Captivity by Esther Perrell, and you might wanna read the book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov. So Esther Perrell, Mating and Captivity, Gary Zukov. Let me tell you why you wanna read these books. Folks, you're all dating, most of you are dating under the premise that men are the leaders of the relationship. And you're hyper-focused on chemistry. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, here it is. Above the water line is attraction. And as you can see in the tip of the iceberg is chemistry. Below the water line is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you start checking the boxes, you become more and more attracted to one another. Most of you folks are winging it when dating and you lack any intentionality. But Jonathan, I don't wanna put pressure on the guy by asking good questions. Folks, stop being afraid to talk to men. If you listen, read my book, chapter one, speak your truth, deal with kindness. And then later in the book, chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So folks, stop being afraid to leaning in, leaning in. Leaning back doesn't work, leaned into co-creating a relationship. Write these words down, co-creating a relationship. It's the two lane street and it happens from the very first date. I shared this story before, I'm gonna share it again. I'm going off on a tangent here for a second. I'll never forget, I had a first date with a woman and we went to a dive bar for our first date. I mean, she was really excited about it. She was, I mean, she told me she was totally up for it. And I bought the first round of drinks and when it came to the second round of drinks, she pulls out her credit card and I go, no, I got it. And she goes, no, I got it. And I go, no, I got it. She goes, no, I got it. Now, all the other female dating coaches will tell you she's in her masculine energy and it's gonna turn me off. What she did next blew me away. She put her hand on my arm. She said, Jonathan, I really appreciated that you treated the last round. Would you allow me to show my appreciation by treating the next round? Can you receive my love? I mean, she didn't use the word love but that's what in essence she was doing. Can you receive? Folks, in that moment I was floored. In that moment I knew this woman could be a partner in life because you know what she did? She said, Jonathan, you mattered and I'm willing to invest in you. Folks, the dating process should be a mutual investing process, a mutual investment process. And if you're investing more than him, then it's misaligned. And if he's been investing more than you, it's misaligned. When it's done in a two lane street that is your greatest chance for success. And while it didn't work out with this woman, she had major trust issues. And by the way, I'm the worst person to date if you have trust issues because I talk to women on the phone all day. But she had trust issues and I couldn't be with someone who has trust issues. But you know what? She showed up like a potential partner right from the get go. And that's what I invite. And that's what I mean by co-creating. It's a two lane street, it's mutual effort to get to this because when you create a bond with one another that's strong and can't break it apart. And that's what I invite everybody to do is co-create instead of the passive fucking way most people are dating based on this stupid book, The Rules. All right, I think you get the gist. By the way, Doug, thanks for jumping in on that one. I really appreciate it. I hope you found value in what I shared. Thanks so much. All right, Giselle says 50-50 very important. No, it's 100-100, 100-100, not 50-50, 100-100. I know it's semantics, but I just want to make sure that everybody gets that distinction. So thank you so much, Giselle. All right, another one says 50-50, no, 100-100. All right, Catherine says I agree. I've been guilty of being attached with expectations about the future early on with a guy. Thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing that, Catherine. Laura says, wow, that statement was an eye-opener. Thank you so much. I'm happy to hear that. Kim says, could we talk you into doing your next video in a Scooby-Doo voice? Scooby, Scooby, Scooby-Doo. Oh, we're shaggy. Kimberly says, question, have we completely ruined our chance at a future by sleeping together too soon before emotional attachment? No, some of the best relationships happen when two people fuck on the first date. Now, that's the exception, not the rule. Folks, if you follow my work, folks, everybody repeat after me before the blank goes into the blank. Everybody write it down before the penis goes inside the vagina, purchase two copies of the book, eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. That's what you should be doing to see if you're on the same page. Stop dating in a passive manner and start dating intentionally. How many times do I have to scream this over and over and over and over? Wait, Scooby-Doo-Bee-Doo-Boo-Doo, over again. All right, folks, I think you get the gist of where I'm going. We're gonna take one more question before we wrap up or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat tell me you appreciate me. That would mean a lot to me. Goes to that scholarship fund in the name of Connor. Here's Connor, oh, he's so cute. All right, last question of the day. Nicole says, what dating sites would you recommend? All right, so folks, before I get into which ones I recommend, I just wanna say this. The days of meeting organically is becoming increasingly hard. The days of meeting organically, unless you're in an environment of single, eligible people, it's gonna be problematic. In fact, online dating probably now represents 50% of all new relationships for those over 45 years old and there's a good chance that number is gonna be hitting 80% in the next few years. The sad thing is online dating is gonna be the way most people meet these days. So it's important to first create a stellar profile. Folks, I wanna show you something. This is a screenshot of a picture I took this morning from a woman. This was her dating, a picture on her dating profile. That was her picture and at the top she says, felt cute but I might delete later. That is a grotesque picture. I'm sorry, that's a grotesque picture. So I guarantee you, just because it was humorous, just because it was humorous is going to turn guys off. 99 out of 100 dating profiles I look at from women and men are crappy at best. The quality of the photographs are shit, the essays are crap. So garbage in is why garbage is out. So it's not about which is the best dating site, the question really becomes, are you gonna put a great representation of yourself? So folks, just as an example, I'll show you mine. I will show you mine. So my first photo, crisp, clear. You can see what I look like. The next photo, crisp and clear. You can see what I look like, self love club. Next photo, my kid's dog, crisp, clear. Quality photographs, smiling. Next photograph, a body shot. I'm wearing sunglasses but you can see I'm not a big chunky guy. And last but not least, or second to last, here's another one, my book. What the heck is self love anyway? Can you see that? And lastly, these are the books I read. I put together a stellar dating profile. By the way, this is on Hinge. The dating apps that I like are Hinge, Bumble, Soso on the league, Soso on Tinder, and then match.com. Those are the five sites that I'm on. I prefer match, Bumble, and Hinge as my primary sites for meeting people. Now, someone might be saying, well, Jonathan, how come you haven't met someone? Folks, I'm dealing with 99 out of 100 fucking crappy profiles like the one I just showed you. And I just don't have patience for someone who puts poor effort out there. I just, I really don't. If you're not willing, if you're not willing to put a great representation of yourself out there, then why should I even bother investing in you? This is my beef with a lot of you ladies out there and men as well. It's a cluster fuck out there. So, I'm here to say, start with a quality profile. Write a great essay. Let me read you my Bumble essay, just to give an example. This is my Bumble essay. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bear with me, Bumble. Okay, so my Bumble essay says, for the past four years, I've been on a dramatic journey to become vulnerable and authentic, seeking a woman ready to explore the depths of intimacy. You up for deep, meaningful conversations and a slight warped sense of humor. I'm your guy. If you're a fan of A Course in Miracles, are you? Fan of A Course in Miracles, are you? Seeks empty nester. I mean, I think there's a lot of good content in there, but most of you are writing this. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wait, I'll do that again. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Okay, I'm reading nothing but crap most of the time for most of you. It's like the Charlie Brown, the school teacher. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Scooby-Doo. So, shift your narrative. Put together a great essay out there. Put together a great profile. And if you need some support on that, check out the link to a free discovery call with me. I'll turn you on to a great company that will help you create a great profile. And as far as the best sites, I like Bumble because I like that women make the first move. Do you know why? Because women get hundreds of messages a day from guys. When women actually reach out to a guy, they tend to be more interested because you guys are ladies, you are inundated with men. And I like the ones who make effort. That just happens to be me. That's not a beta male, Jonathan. That doesn't mean I'm passive. I just appreciate that they make effort. It tells me they're a little bit more interested in the average woman. I like hinge, really good site, and I do like match.com. So, to answer your question, that's the ones I like and I hope I helped. All right. Well, I think it's time to wrap up today, but before we do, we're gonna say, Robin says, all right, Charlie Brown. Elaine says, you're funny. Wait, who just, who just, someone's got my picture, walk user. Someone stole my picture and created a profile. I just blocked them. All right. Anyway, folks, I think that, oh, anyway, I think this is a good place. Someone says, thank you so much. I really appreciate that for answering my question. You're very great, or very welcome. All right, this would be a great place to wrap up today. First off, I wanna thank you all. If you found value in this content, please tell your friends, share this video. I'd really appreciate it. And also, if you'd like some support, check out the links to the books I recommend, my membership group, and certainly, if you'd like some support and coaching, check out the free discovery call with me to see if working with those coaches right for you. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic job at the barricade of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna say thank you to Robin, to Linda, and Nicole, to Maggie, to Melissa, to Jennifer, just to name a few. Missy, Suzanne, Jennifer, thank you all so much to Weegean and all you others. I just wanna say wishing you a super duper, wonderful evening. Bye-bye now.