 Oh, welcome to This Sister to Sister. Listen to this flow. A husband wrote in, when my wife is mad at me, she gives me the silent treatment. Well, we got another question too, Kathy. How about a son who doesn't want his mother to come to the wedding and the husband wants a divorce? Oh my God, what a show. Stay tuned. Welcome to Sister to Sister. We are so delighted that you joined us today. You are going to be watching a panel of five women of God and you send us questions and then we give you our answers from our heart and our hearts are so entwined with the Word of God. So here we go. Oh, this one is rough. I'm not crazy about this question, but you wrote it. My husband says, you like this, Roxy? Well, it's a good question. I don't know if I like it. Okay, here's what you wrote. Somebody, so bless you. And listen, my husband says he wants a divorce, which totally blindsided me. My sister said I can't have not known that something was up. I don't know, Roxy. This happens all the time. It does happen. And first of all, I got to deal with the sister. Way to go for blame, way to go about blaming the victim. Yeah, come on. Like just push her down a little bit more. She's supposed to see his deceitfulness. She's supposed to see his, we're assuming it's sin. His sin. She's supposed to see his affair, whatever it might be. But you know what, take heart, my dear sisters who go through this and a lot of women do. I did divorce in another life early in my career and it does happen. And most of the reason why it happened back then when I was doing them was adultery. Let's just call it what it is. They already had a girlfriend. So they're saying goodbye to their wife because they moved on to whoever was in, whatever they wherever they were. But let me say this, David went through what you're going through, not with his wife but he says in Psalm 55, my close friend deceived me. My close friend was talking wickedness. My close friend did these things to me. But where do we turn? You can't turn to your sister because she's blaming you. And you've got to turn to the Lord. Because what does it say? In Psalm 55, David is crying out. There was war in his heart and I didn't know it, God. Why didn't you show it to me? Well, it's okay because I'm casting my burden on you. You will sustain me and you will not permit the righteous to be moved. You need to stand on that scripture no matter how badly we're hurt, no matter what life brings to us. We cast our burden on the Lord and we will not be moved. And you know, Roxy, experience has taught me ladies that you can be so close to something, you just can't see it. And what is marriage all about? It's about trust, it's about belief. So even if you kind of get that nudge, you're too busy trying to maybe cast it down, casting down wicked imaginations. You know, there's a difference between discernment and suspicion and so you're going through all of that. So I just, what hit me was the sister's response. And so let's not be Job's friends when somebody is going through something. Right, right. I think too, my friend had, her husband had a whole other life. He had a whole other family. I mean, how do you not know that? But a narcissist, which is for real, a narcissist can twist things, manipulate things, change the narrative to whatever they want. And you're totally delusional and you have a problem. So I mean, honestly, something like this, you definitely want to seek outside help and counsel. I mean, Lisa Turkers has a great resource. I think it's called Therapy and Theology or something like that. But I mean, you've got to combine the two and seek some wisdom so you don't feel like a nutcase. Yes. I think too, like do that. And then there's a technique called laying on of hands. No, it's not real specific in how you use it, but. Yeah, yeah. You know. Sorry, belt me Corey, belt me up. What are you doing? Bring us back to the salvation table. I mean, I do think, and I don't want to get too deep into this, but I do think that the church has failed women, not every church, but I do think that the church has not done a good job of teaching women how to recognize and how to just be, you know, knowledgeable about, you know, just letting men just like be in control of everything and like they don't know what's going on and like they're in charge of all the finances and they just literally are clueless. And, you know, being, you know, we have the scripture about submitting and all that. And I just think the church has done a terrible job of teaching that scripture and understanding what that means and how that works in reality. And I think women have this false understanding of what that looks like. And then you have situations like this where women are completely blindsided and they have no clue. They don't understand finances. They don't understand how the household is works or runs and it's, and I just think that the church could do a better job of teaching that and that's a whole other subject. Yeah, all I'm gonna say, this is different from all of you in a way, this is not survivor where you're blindsided. I don't agree with the sister making it her sister's fault, but I do know that if a marriage is going bad, it doesn't happen in 24 hours. If they are not intimate, if they're not close, if they're not doing this together, that wife knows. So she could be blindsided with the divorce request, but blindsided is only in survivor. That's what I think. But you know what, I don't know. I liked that you bought that up because I do feel that, and I wanna be clear and I think all of us are saying the same thing that there is a discernment that sometimes you have that much. But then if I'm trying to walk this thing out according to the word of God and if I really don't have anything to go on, in some cases there isn't a lack of intimacy, physical intimacy, you know? And if you're in a marriage, part of being married is the commitment, you know, making it work, staying in it. And I wouldn't dream that my husband was out having a whole another family or that he's so in charge that if he doesn't wanna be intimate, that that's how it's supposed to be. You see, I don't know any couples like that. So that's foreign to me because I'm surrounded by strong women, pretty much. But I'm gonna move on to the next question. But this is good. I think this is- Yeah, this question's good. It was really good. Okay, but this question's even better. This is good. Oh boy. My son said I am not invited to his wedding because of my attitude towards my ex-husband. And it hurts me, how can I not be at my son's wedding? Oh boy. You know, when I read this one, I thought we're missing something here. Something's not being told because I think that, you know, a child naturally, the relationship with their parents is different. You know, I have my husband, but that is their father. And so the relationship is different. So it makes me kind of go, what's really going on behind the scenes here? Like something's not being told. So as the wife, when I come in, do I bring contention? Do I bring strife? You know, is that kind of why they don't want me there? There's tension here. Am I sitting here, throwing little zingers and making little digs. And this is their wedding day. And so I just kind of feel like there's something not quite right there. There's something missing. I think there's always two sides to a story. And I think sometimes, you know, what? There's two sides, Cora. That's true. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. So I think, you know, like the father could be telling the son things there. And I think it's really important to try in this case to keep your son and his fiance out of that drama. So I think that's probably, your son is probably trying to keep this as drama-free as possible. So you're gonna have to swallow a lot of pride. You're gonna have to swallow even some truths, some hurtful truths. You're gonna wanna be like, well, your dad did this and blood it. Like you might wanna do that. And you're gonna have to shove that down for the sake of this new family that's being created because your son is creating a new family. And for the sake of this wedding, you need to show your son how much you love him, how much you love his new fiance and his new wife, and how much you cherish this new relationship. And you show him that. You are focused on that, not the drama, not the things with your ex-husband, and that is going to be hard. Yes. Ooh, that's good. It seems to me, though, that there is some kind of history here. Oh, I'm sure. You know what I mean? Like they've had encounters or there's malnourcing. And they didn't follow this simple adage that we need to follow in all relationships. Romans 12 says as much as it is possible with you be at peace with all men, with all mankind. So what happened when he wasn't engaged in dating her? That's right. That's right. He was doing to build the relationship between her, her new daughter-in-law, and her son. What was going on all that time? She needs to repent. She needs to apologize. She needs to say, this is your wedding. It's not my show. Yeah, oh, I like that. And like Corey said, and you are gonna behave yourself and promise to behave yourself. She needs to go to her son and apologize and say I will behave myself. And I think there has to be a conversation. What am I apologizing for? Yes. So you have to have that honest, hard conversation as Corey was saying. Like my kids would be telling me, you know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I would say, hello, son. I am here at this wedding. And that's what we were just saying before the show. Follow the money. If she paid something, she better be there. Oh my goodness. Oh yeah, throw some money at it. Throw some money at it. One last question before we go to break and this one I think many of you can relate to but the husband wrote to us and said, when my wife gets mad, she gives me the silent treatment. Do you do that? What should I do? I don't understand the silent treatment because our family is so extra with how we communicate and it's so much and it's all the time. And we know exactly where every single individual of our family, even with different personalities, that we all communicate. So the silent treatment just sounds creepy to me. Like I would be, and I can't stand just dead silence. So I'd be like, I'd be like digging. But there are times, there are times you have to get away and you have to get out of the heat of the argument and you need to go get your thoughts together, come back at it. You don't just stay there and fight it out and there's no peace, there's no resolve and there's chaos and division and strife and every evil work. What you don't want is strife in your home. Clear is kind. So to just communicate clearly, that is kind to somebody. The silent treatment I think is unkind and it's not right and it can be very manipulative to get your way. That's right. So what should she do? What should she do? Living with the German though, excuse me, I'm sorry, I shouldn't say personal treatment stereotype. My husband is quiet. He's a processor. So you have to distinguish to me between personality and punishment. That's true. Is it his personality or is he punishing me for this? When I know? My wife has got the silent treatment. Does your husband say? I'm saying my husband is the quiet type. He does the silent treatment? Well he does, I don't want to call it silent treatment. It's not punishment. It's process as a part of his personality. He has to process what went on, figure it all out and then come back and talk about it. So is it process? Is it personality or is it punishment? I do have to say this and so I have to learn, say your piece Roxanne and pull back, let him process. But I want to say this about this scripture. Hebrews 312, don't let your heart get hardened. Yes, yeah. Because if they're giving you the silent treatment, don't harden your own heart to not reach truth. Give them time to repent or process because it could either be process, personality or punishment. Okay wait, Corey has something. It's just good. I'm really focused on here because I am a silent treatment giver. So am I. Okay it's hard to believe because you know I'm not, I am not kidding you and it is manipulation. Like I get that. But sometimes I do need to just walk away because it's too much and I need, but then it passes that point of just walking away and it's like I'm gonna hold out. I'm stronger than you. I'm gonna see how long this lasts. And like Ecclesiastes says there's a time for everything. You know what I mean? I'm just saying. But I was trying to think it through. I was trying to think it through. And I was like, okay what is a way, what is something that a husband can do to help with the silent treatment? Because we're focusing on the husband, not me. Okay. The wives. I thought of Frozen and Olaf. You know the little snowman. He likes warm hugs. I'm like give a hug. That melts, hugs me. Melt me. Like it's like I have to let it go. That's good. I hope that you get what we're saying here and I hope that the husband will just give the hug. Just go ahead. Let it go. We'll be right back right after this. That was good. Let's go. Welcome back. We're still talking about husbands. So I hope you're in the room. Listen to this one. Listen to this one. And Roxanne, will you take this one? Because I don't even know what this is. Kind of. All right. I knew my husband was a gamer. Do you mean, she means video games. Okay, video games. It's so popular. So these people must be young that are writing to us. Before we were married, but I assumed once we were married, he would give it up. But he hasn't. And it bugs me. I don't know what to do. He doesn't see it as a big deal. Let me just say this. I know this is for you. Yeah, go for it. I am so glad you guys clarified that. Because when they said gamer, I'm thinking of something totally different. Somebody out there playing the field and all that kind of stuff. But anyway, good. Video gamer. I think that's what it means. You could replace anything in gamer. Okay. You could say he reads too many books. He goes golfing too much. She watches TV too much. And the crazy part about this, and I hate to blame the victim here, which I said I wouldn't. I assumed once I got married, he would stop. Change? Are you kidding? All right, young ladies, old ladies, whenever you get married, don't assume anything that you're going to change. The man or the man's going to change the woman. Habit patterns take a long time. But is this a hobby that you're just jealous of and you need a hobby? Mm, that's good. Or is he like, is it in control of him? What's the Bible say? If you're not in control of what you're doing, it controls you. It's your master. So you got to decide between that. And maybe you're newly married and you want the attention all the time. Go find your own hobby. You know, sometimes you just have to find your own. But the gaming can be an addiction, the whatever they might do. You may have to begin to set parameters for both of you in time. What's the Bible say? Well, mark your days. Watch your time. Number your days. Is he a Christian? If he isn't a Christian, well, don't expect a lot. Right. Because that's what he needs. His heart needs to turn towards Jesus and spend that time. But remember, you're not his mother too. Remember that you are not his mother. You are his wife, his partner. So I like what you said is figure it out together. Who has something on gamers? I have a little caveat about what you said. If you're not married yet and you're seeing something like this that's like bothersome to you, I just want you to know it's gonna be magnified after you get married. So don't be thinking like, oh, this is gonna be all good after we get married. I know you said that, but it is gonna be magnified. My husband was a gamer when we first got married. And you know, it bothered me a little bit, but it was his hobby. And so you know what I did? I'm a gamer, but I learned one of the games. And so it was something we kind of like competed against each other. And it was something fun we could do together. That's good. And you know what? As we, when we bought a house and had kids, that hobby went away. On its own. On its own. Not because I was the leaky faucet nagging away at him. Because it just naturally went away with, I don't want to say maturity, but like it just, with responsibility, basically. It just, he didn't have as much time to do that. So you're talking about buying a house and having kids? Yeah. But I'm just saying, things change as time goes along. You know? There are men that escape into game land and it's like an escape thing. It's, I don't want to deal with reality. I don't want to balance the checkbook. So while I was kind of reading this question, okay, I'm sitting in a chair and I hear all three of the men in my house and I hear my youngest son up there on the game. Yeah, yeah, go, yeah. I hear my older son worshiping God and then I'm looking at my husband who was doing many tasks around the house, had the word open there and was doing, and I thought, what do men do? That's, I think that should be the goal. Whatever men, what do real men of God do? I don't think you sit down for hours and hours and escape into game land and get lost. So I would say real men, they show up. They're responsible. They're engaged with their family. They're providing. They're working. They're studying the word, you know? Good deal, good deal. And this next question, I think the gaming question doesn't relate to me and I hope it does to you, but this question relates to all of us and here it is. What does it mean to trust God? To really, really depend on God, Corey. Well, I looked up, what's the definition of the word trust? So trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. So to trust God is to have that firm belief in the reliability of God, the truth of God, the ability, the strength of God. And you cannot talk about trusting God without Proverbs three, five and six. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Trusting in God means you're not leaning on your own understanding. So it's two sides of that. It's trusting in God and not leaning on your own understanding. And then in all your ways, you're acknowledging him and then what happens? He directs your path. That's like faith and fear too. You can't have faith and fear in the same heart at the same time. What do you have, Ms. Scripture lady? Well, I did have that scripture, but I do have another one. A Proverbs four says, keep your ears and eyes and heart on my word. So we cannot get distracted. We cannot depend on ourselves. If we are keeping our ears, eyes and heart, it directs our mind to God's word. So we must stay in God's word. And what's it say? Don't let go. Don't lose sight for they are life to those who find them and health to the entire body. Body, soul and spirit will be healthy when we don't, we don't just repeat God's word, repeat, repeat. Okay, we're repeating ritualistic. No, it comes into our heart. We speak it, we say it, we hear it. We begin to believe it and it's health to our body. Who has something for me? I like in the amplifies it says, trust in the Lord to rely on, to depend on, to be fully confident in, to be fully persuaded. It's like that I, I so fully trust God that it's God, not my will, but I will be done. It's like, I know that he's a good father. Like you're really talking about the character of God here. I trust his faithfulness. I trust his mercy. I trust his judgment. I trust his grace. I just trust him. Cause there are things that we can't control in life. That's right, that's right. But you know what, in a practical sense too, how do we depend and trust on God? Driving here to the studio today, I'm in car shopping mode, right? So I'm supposed to be in prayer and getting ready to see this and be with you. And meanwhile I'm worried about what car to bring, what car to buy, what car do I do? And then I look up at the red light and the whole sky is just puffy clouds and blue and gorgeous. And then the Lord just downloaded to me, I'll help you with the car. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Okay, we'll be right back to close it up. I know you took a lot of nuggets away from the show today. And it's always, when we are in the process of sharing the word of God, sometimes we give some of our opinion, but we always want to leave you with the word of God. And so if you will allow me Psalms 28, verse seven, I'm reading from the new international version. The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in Him and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy and with my song, I will praise Him. You know, where I've learned to trust God is in my failures. Where I've learned to trust God is in my weakness. Sometimes when I think I can do it all by myself, I'm not always connected to God the way that I should. I rely on my strength, my skills, my abilities. But when I fall, when He comes in and rescues me, when He in His loving kindness speaks words of wisdom and knowledge and understanding and encouragement to me, I begin to see, I am reminded that my God is strong, loving, caring, and always imparting knowledge and understanding and strength to me. And so when you hit a challenge, do not allow the enemy to rob you of your song. Start singing unto the Lord. Get in the word about the situation that you're dealing with and know that as you lean on Him and as the psalmist wrote, I surrender all. That trust factor increase and strengthens and you will get the impartation of revelation. Oh my gosh, preach it, sister. But I'm gonna say this, as iron sharpens iron, so does the countenance of a man or a woman or a flow or Amy or Corey or Roxy strengthen me. See you next time.