 When I was a kid, actually going into high school, this one girl was moving away, moving to Australia and she said to me, you know what, Alex, I'm gonna give you the name Invisible Boy. So everyone called me Invisible Boy because I never spoke throughout really all of middle school and I guess all of school really. I didn't speak. I never voiced my opinion. I never said what was on my mind. If someone annoyed me, I never got mad at them. And I was your proto typical nice guy. Now in this video, I want to share a little bit about basically how and why I reinvented that aspect of myself. And if you are a nice guy or nice girl and you are a doormat for a lot of people, what you can actually do to change and why you should. What's up guys? Alex Hine here, author of the book Master the Day. Now being a nice guy as a kid, I thought being an introvert, I was just being a peacemaker. Like if somebody said something that was stupid, I wasn't going to be like, Hey, Kelly, you're being a dumbass, stop. Because nice people don't do that, right? And if someone was saying, you know, hey, can you Alex, can you help me do this this afternoon and was going to chew up my whole afternoon and I didn't want to do it, I would say yes, because nice people say yes, right? And if someone was like, you know what, I disagree with what you just said, that's completely wrong. I don't know what you're talking about. I would just be like, okay, rather than standing up for myself and pushing back a little bit because nice people make peace, right? Wrong. Completely wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. Actually, at the core of being the nice guy or the nice girl, the core emotions are, number one, having no backbone, no self confidence in believing in what you believe in and actually saying that because you feel like your opinion is not worth saying to everybody else, even if you think you're smarter, you don't have the guts to actually say that. And the second thing is caring way too much about what other people think, trying so hard to fit in and thinking that your friendships, your relationships, your XYZ, your job is all going to work out because you just agree with the person. The irony that I learned later is that nobody likes people with no opinions. I find nice, nice people repulsive now, people that go along with everything I say that never challenged me. The fact is, nobody likes people like that. And that's kind of the catch. Because when I was the kid that was like, you know what? I'm being nice. I'm being a peacemaker. I'm helping everybody out. I'm not saying my opinion, even though I know what's right. I thought I was doing everyone a favor. But in reality, I wasn't. So the first trait here of being a nice guy or a nice girl is caring too much what other people think. As a kid, if people were wrong, and I knew it, because I was pretty smart, I was like, you know what? That's completely wrong. That's BS. I would never say that, though. Why? If I knew I was right, why would I not be confident enough to call that person out and be like, you know what? I don't think that's right because of lack of self confidence. And why was that going on? Because I felt like if I called them out, I would have all these people getting on top of me and chewing me out in return. So I did not have the self confidence to be like, you know what? That's complete BS. And then be like, bring it on. Let's see what anyone else says. And then be ready to defend myself. Because if there's no self confidence, you're not going to believe that your opinion, number one, is worth being heard, even if you know it's right. But definitely, if you don't have self confidence, you're not going to challenge the people around you. You are not going to be the person who has the guts to challenge society, or to challenge the industry you're in, or to challenge the person you're dating, for example. If you don't have that true self confidence, you will not have the guts to challenge people where with all to be challenged in return and not cave. So for example, caring too much about how you dress, because you're worried about how other people think, that's one manifestation of this kind of low self confidence. Another one is caring about whether or not people will like your opinion. This is huge. Some people will not share their opinions or their beliefs unless they know they will be liked. Well, that just shows that you're unwilling to be the black sheep. You're unwilling to stand up for yourself. If you care too much about if you say, you know what, I really want to book a one way ticket to China, like I did. What the hell are your friends and your family going to say about that? Oh, what are you doing? Like she's lost her mind. He lost his mind. There's something wrong with him. If you have that self confidence to be like, you know what, this is what I like. I'm sorry, you guys have your opinions. I think they're dumb. But then you do it anyway. Then you have self confidence. So if you will not do something you want to do because of other people and it's hard when it's your parents. But if you do that, it's a lack of self confidence. And the third one that I see quite a lot is caring about whether or not other people like your goals, your routines and your rituals. So if you're doing something different, let's say you're in a group of friends that are overweight, unhealthy, and you're the only one that wants to get fit. And in the morning you go from having McDonald's or some Jimmy Dean sandwich to making a green juice. I promise, if your friends all eat the same way you did before, they're going to be like, you are a weirdo. The reality is that if you're going to go after your goals and you're intimidated by that, good luck. Good luck because you're going to have to swim upstream at some point in your journey to reach your goals. And that's just part of the game. What if for example, you haven't been very good in school as a good student and you decide you want to go to medical school? Probably what's going to happen is your whole family or friends, they're going to laugh in your face on some level, whether literally or metaphorically. They might be like, you know, Kelly, maybe just stay a little bit more realistic. Do just do like accounting or something easier and more straightforward. That's a long road. A nice person wouldn't challenge that or they would listen to their parents rather than being like, mom, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want or saying that to your friends or to the person you date or whoever it is. Nice people just get steamrolled easily because the first trait is that lack of self confidence, that lack of self belief, which honestly is one part confidence and one part just wanting to fit in. So if you don't, if you believe in what you do and you don't care at all whether you fit in, you're going to have the confidence required to go after the things you want to do. Now the second trait that I see a lot in nice guys is waiting to be led rather than leading. I was at a business conference a few months back and I met a couple of guys and we were all just going to meet up and network and go to lunch together. And so I proposed and I was like, all right, where do you guys want to go to lunch? Any of you know this area? It was in Arizona. The three of them, they were all every single one like, yeah, maybe this or maybe that or like that, this, that, you know, that, that, that, that every single one was wishy washy. Like to the point where like this just this and you just want to smack them all and be like, wake up. And it immediately, the reason it annoyed me because it reminded me of how I used to be, which must have been extremely annoying to people. If I was that indecisive, this lack of decision, this wishy washyness is not knowing what you want. This flimsy, this no backbone is the second trait about nice guys that repulses people. An example of how I used to be was one time I must have been a kid, maybe like 13, 14, and I went into Walgreens and the lady checked me out and I looked at the receipt and I realized that she didn't give me the proper change and she shortchanged me by $5. And it was $5, which I needed as a kid, even though it was my money and I knew I was right. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to stir up drama. I didn't want to be like, Oh, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable or have to admit to making a mistake. I cared too much about how she felt when at this moment I should have cared more about the facts. And it doesn't mean by being less of a nice guy, you have to be insensitive or be an a-hole. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what it should be. You should always keep the combination of sensitivity and dominance and being a leader and confidence and knowing what you want. But in that moment, she made a mistake. She owed me $5 and I didn't have the balls to be like, You know what? Hey, Miss, sorry, I think you made a mistake. Could you just double check for me? I was literally so uncomfortable with the confrontation that I would rather have lost $5 for no reason and left than been like, Hey, sorry, you made a mistake and in 10 seconds have had my $5. And so when people are talking to me like I'm a nice guy, I get taken advantage of, the only person that takes advantage of you is yourself. You're letting yourself get taken advantage of because if you don't have the confidence to stand up and the backbone and knowing when someone makes a mistake, you don't have to apologize. You didn't do it. Let them apologize, right? And confront them. If it's an issue, if it's caused you problems, they need to work on it, not you. And you need to be cool with saying, Hey, you messed up. Let's talk about this. This is the irony that not even just in dating, nobody is attracted to people with no backbone who don't stand up for what they believe in, who are unwilling to stand up for the things that are important to them and who easily get steamrolled when even when the steamroller is wrong. There's a reason why people are so attracted to the dominant leader that's like, you know what, let's do that. It's like the Napoleon archetype, the thousand or the 10,000 man, whatever he was known as, because his voice and the way he spoke could inspire 10,000 men. It was almost like it added 10,000 men to his army. He's consistently talked about as having this presence, this inspiration that could raise the morale of his troops at such a level that it was almost like he had an even bigger army than he did. People are attracted to that naturally because I believe that people need to be led. The majority of people are not leaders and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you are the 1% or the point of 1%, that is a leader that is confident and dominant and you know what you want and you're willing to do whatever it takes to go after it, everyone likes that. Especially the opposite sex and dating because it signals sureness of purpose. You know what you want. You know who you are. It signals that you're ambitious. It signals that you're hungry and it signals that you're confident and you believe in yourself. And you're not another leaf in the wind like every single person, the barista at Starbucks, your accountant, even your doctor, everybody's just caught in this leaf in the wind thing where they're just along for the ride. They don't know what they want. They're not consciously driving their path through the ocean of life. And you are, if you are or you want to cultivate that quality, it is like a magnetic vortex that brings people into you. And in the context of dating, that is exactly what people want because it signals a sense of inner power. Now the third trait here that's important. We talked about the two problems, but the big thing now is doing what you want. Do what you want. Nice guys and overly nice people that get trampled upon tend to be overly concerned with getting everybody else what they want. And that's an important trait. It's important to be altruistic and care about other people and not be selfish. But if you only care about other people, you're already opening yourself to be the doormat. So for example, these days versus my old self, if friends have plans that I don't want to do, even though my plan was to hang out with them and I really don't want to, I'm like, you know what, I would rather do this first, go to a cafe, take care of a little work and I'll meet you guys after and they're like, oh, come on, Alex, come on, blah, blah, blah, blah. I will literally be like, okay, I will meet you after there's no discussion. I'm doing what I want. I'm going to go to the cafe, do my damn work and then go out with people. If you are letting yourself get steamrolled by your friends. All right, let's do this even though you don't really want to. You're just reinforcing the no backbone part of your personality that lets you get taken advantage of. If this is what you want, do what you want and don't let other people sway you. Again, it comes back to that sureness of purpose, the self-confidence and the self-worth and believing that what you're doing is important and that you are capable of achieving it. So the next time people are trying to convince you, could be a girlfriend, it could be a boyfriend, somebody else. Instead, obviously take into account their feelings, but do what you want or push for what you want. If your friends and your family are all going out to a restaurant and you really don't, don't sit there and stew like the little nice guy, nice girl introvert because you're just poisoning yourself. Say, you know what? I'd rather go to sushi and then say that and then you started discussion and then you can decide what to do from there. But the high level trait of this nice guy, nice girl syndrome is this, this overall lack of like fire, the lack of challenging people, the lack of saying what you believe in, the lack of doing, lack of leading, lack of being dominant, the fear of being dominant. So many introverts are so afraid of coming off as dominant or saying something they're going to regret or making a mistake. That's exactly how I was too. But at the same time, if you'd like to stop being Mr. Nice Guy or the nice girl, the person who gets trampled a lot, you have to stand up for yourself. And that's a little bit of a tough journey, but it's a very important life trait to have later in life because you don't want to be an adult or have kids and still be the person that gets trampled and then your kids are going to model that too in the future. So I hope that helps. That's a little bit about my own story and what I think about this whole nice guy thing. Before you go below, let me know for you, what's the main reason why you'd like to stop being Mr. Nice Guy or the nice girl?