 The Jack Benny program in a cigarette. It's the tobacco that counts and lucky strike means fine tobacco Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco so round so firm so fully packed so free and easy on the draw LS MFT LS MFT LS MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment smoke that smoke of fine tobacco lucky strike Excuse me, this is Kenny Delmar. Excuse me. I have a special announcement to make Herbitide and cigarettes are back good news for those who prefer a clock-tipped cigarette Herbitide in his back, and there's something about them Herbitide in his back after being made only for the armed forces Yes, Herbitide in his back that cork-tipped cigarette Herbitide in available now for you Yes, Herbitide in his back and remember there's something about them. You like there's something about them. You like This is Kenny Delmar. I trust you will welcome home Herbitide in There's something about them. You like Lucky strike program starring Ray Malan with Mary Livingston Phil Harris Rochester Mary Stevenson Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our master of ceremonies a man who's down wait a minute What's the idea saying the lucky strike program starring Ray Malan? Well jack. I didn't see anybody get up and walk out I mean that has nothing to do with it. Oh jack stop pouting your lower lip looks like a shoehorn I'm not pouting. Well, you told us yourself that ray malan was going to be our guest That still doesn't entitle him to top billing. He's just a star in pictures. I'm a star of stage screen and radio And we'll milk cows if you back him into Beverly Hills Just being smart I merely said that don didn't have to give ray malan star billing when he's only going to be our guest jack I only did that as a matter of courtesy don if you want to be courteous do it on the jenny sim show And another thing jackson, I know what you're beefing about. I've been with you for eight years And I've never had no star billing. Well, you've been with me for 10 years. I don't count the two years. I was auditioning Look, just be happy you got the job Now let's get on with gosh ray malan should have been here a half hour ago. I can't understand what's holding him up I saw his picture jackson. I couldn't understand what held him up either I saw the picture I went to the box office bought a ticket and they gave me my change in pretzels Stop with the gags already I'm gonna call ray jack jack jack. You don't have to ray malan just came in he did good Um Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce our guest One of the finest actors in hollywood the star of the lost weekend And winner of this year's academy award ray malan Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. Say ray ray. How come you're so late? I'm sorry jack, but I stopped off at the newspaper office to put an ad in for a butler Oh, I thought you had a butler. Oh, I have three as a matter of fact, but they want a fourth for bridge Well, wouldn't it be cheaper to teach him gin rummy and let one of them go If it was jack, he teach him solitaire and let two of them go Very pleased Well, ray, it certainly is a wonderful achievement getting the oscar Tell me how did it make you feel? Winning the academy award. Oh, I don't know jack. I don't feel any different I'm still the same sweet modest lovable fellow. I always Gee if I ever wanted I'd be a louse Gosh ray what I wouldn't give just to see the oscar. Well jack by coincidence. I just happened to have it with me Wait 25 pounds. He just happens to happen Let me let me see it ray. Yeah. Yeah, she isn't cute a bronze oscar with a little ice bag on its head You know ray, this may surprise you, but I've never won an academy award. Why jack benny you haven't Why ray malan what a performance Jack, why don't you introduce me? Oh, yes. Yes. I'm sorry ray. I want you to meet the members of my cast This is mary livingston. Hello, mary. I'm glad to know you. I'm pleased to meet you mr. Milan Would you consider going out with a girl who doesn't drink? Why certainly mary in fact, I like to go out with girls who don't drink What are you laughing at jack likes to go out with girls who don't eat They're hard to find sister Ray, this is uh, this is phil haras. Hello phil amateur Phil you wouldn't appreciate this but lost weekend was something new something daring I doubt if any other actor would have the stomach the courage I mean, I doubt if any other actor would have the courage to attempt a role like that Well, let's show you how much you know jackson right now gary cooper's doing the same thing and saratoga drunk That's trunks saratoga trunks. Well, I'm glad you told me I ain't gonna waste my cabbage going to see a lot of baggage Now ray the reason I Phil why are you staring at ray like that? I'm just admiring the guy jackson. He does it and gets an academy award I do it and get a hangover Well, it's still the weekend go get lost now ray the reason I ask you to uh jack Jack do you mind if I ask mr. Milan a favor? Why no no, what is it done? Well guys ray you're such a great actor and everything and oh well You're so sweet modest and lovable. I know I know Well, I read something in shakespeare that I'd like to hear you do You know the speech that starts out to be or not to be. Oh, yeah, that's hamlet soliloquy Why certainly don't I'll be glad to do it. Good. Good. I copied the speech myself and made just a few minor changes Well, that's all right. Just give it to me. I'll be glad to read it. Here you are. Thanks Quiet everybody LS or mft That is the question here here Where that is noble in the minds of men who know tobacco best To be so round so firm so fully packed Here here or to be so free and easy on the draw Here here where where here? Oh, good citizen. Remember the quality Work for your boss and I'll work for mine And I ask you to come over here because tonight for our feature attraction We're going to do our version of your picture the lost weekend Now naturally since I'm the uh The star of this program the leading role will be played by me Now wait a minute jack. Don't you think as long as I originated the part in the picture I should also play it here. I do not I mean just just because you won an academy award has nothing to do with it After all when I was your age, I could have won an oscar too except there were no academy awards in those days There were no movies either Now and darn few people That awfully long arms, but they were still people I think I should play the lead but jack that doesn't make sense You brought me up here because of the lost weekend and you give me nothing to do Well, maybe say I've got a wonderful idea. Let's both play the part. We'll be twin brothers Twin brothers. Yeah, we'll give them a double feature. We'll be the burnham brothers. How about it? Okay with me That's fine. Now phil you'll be our older brother who tries to convince us that drinking is very evil Who's gonna convince me Phil is just a part after all, you know, I don't drink and neither does ray Now mary, you're gonna play jane wyman's part the girl that ray and I are in love with But you can't make up your mind. Which one of us you want the UNO should have problems that easy You know, you might have to take ray Now this play will go on immediately after these I'll take it Hello telephone call for mr. Ray malan. Oh just a minute. It's for you ray for me. Well, hello Hello, mr. Milan. This is raw justice But uh, aren't you already working? I sure am Well, why are you dissatisfied with your present position? Well, I've concluded that any relationship between the hours I work and the money I get is purely coincidental You consider yourself underpaid, huh? How much are you making now? Frankly, I'm ashamed to tell you but if I have a suit cleaned and go to a movie in the same week One of them has to be on the installment plan Well, you spoke of long hours. What kind of hours have you been working from eight in the morning till dark? Well, those aren't such long hours for a butler working until dark under normal conditions No, but mr. Benny has a sun lamp outside the kitchen window to fool me And that sun lamp fools you not only me his chickens have been laying six eggs a day I see Well, if you go to work for me, you'll find that your duties won't be hard, but they'll be exacting exacting Yes, for instance, I like my breakfast served in bed, but unlike other people. I can't wait. I want it there when I awaken Yes, sir. Uh, do you think you could have my breakfast ready the minute I wake up? Yes, sir. I'll pull the cork out the night before Now wait a minute. Now wait a minute. I think you have a mistaken idea about my drinking Rochester because I never Rochester Ray, let me ask that phone. Hello Rochester. Is that you? Uh-oh Rochester, why did you call up Ray Milan looking for a job? It was an accident boss. I called up the home way laundry and got this number by mistake The laundry then why'd you ask for Ray Milan? I didn't I asked for may dildan May dildan she's a starch girl on the fourth tub Rochester, that's a mighty weak story. What do you expect on a moment's notice a best seller? If you and I get home. Goodbye. Goodbye. Imagine doing a thing like that behind my back. Come on, Larry Let's have a song Sir to me sung by Larry Steven very good Larry. I bought that record you made of that song and it's swell Thank you, mr. Benny And now ladies and gentlemen for our feature attraction tonight Our version of the academy award-winning picture the lost weekend As our story opens Ray and jack bernham twin brothers have been persuaded by their elder brother philip To go to the country for the weekend At the moment the twin brothers are in the room packing curtain Music I don't know why we have to go away in this weekend neither do I but brother philip insists the pilot Are we all packed all just about shirts ties sweaters socks quartz fits and pints And put the bottles on the other side of the suitcase my underwear is snapping at them Now let's see Hello boys Hello, brother philip. Uh-oh those bottles again. I look boys. You got to stop this drinking Because we're all going out the country for a weekend and the fresh air will do us a lot of good Well, I'm not going now sure you are think of it fellas chickens horses rabbits and the scent of new moan hay Now you've just got to go because it'll be a wonderful weekend Why do we have to go because we want it on truth or consequences? Oh now look boys. I hate to keep lecturing, but don't you know how bad liquor is for you Don't you realize that alcohol is your worst enemy? Liquor isn't good for you now. You should stay away from it Ladies and gentlemen the opinions expressed by mr. Harris are written in the script and are not necessarily his own I will go to the country with you. Well, you better get ready. We're leaving on the 715 train. Goodbye boys. Goodbye, brother philip See I hate to go away for a weekend me too. I was figuring on losing this one Yeah Brother philip's coming back hide those bottles. Okay there come in Oh, it's you jane. Hello boys. I just saw philip and he told me you're all going away for the weekend. Yes, we are You boys are so wonderful. You know, sometimes I regret the two two are twins. I just can't make up my mind Make up your mind. What do you mean? Well, there are two of you and only one of me That's funny. We always see two of you Forget boys. Your train leaves at 715. Goodbye. Goodbye, brother philip. We mean goodbye janey Gee what twins we are we both make the same mistake quick. She's gone. Let's open the bottle. Okay Oh, gee. Look, we've only got two bottles left. Well, let's drink one and hide the other Okay, I'll put it up there on the chandelier. Good Oh darn it. I can't reach it. Well, give it to me. I'm higher than you are You are not I can do it. All right, but don't screw the bottle into the socket like you did the last time Right turn on the switch. You blew out a powerhouse at boulder dam Don't worry. Don't worry. There the bottle's on the chandelier. Now. Let's open the other one. Oh boys Yes, brother philip jane and I are going to the wait a minute. Give me that bottle. I'm going to pour it down the sink Oh, no, no, brother philip. Don't pour it down the sink. That's right, brother philip. Let Ray drink it That stuff will eat out the plumbing Well, I don't care boys I'm not going to give it back to you remember you're not to leave this room until it's time to go to the train We all brother philip Come on jack. He's gone. Let's go down to that spa room and he'll give us a drink. Okay Let's drop until you pay the bill you ran up this afternoon. How much do we owe you $18,000 Keep your old liquor. We're going to the country. Yeah Hold me up. No You hold me up. I held you up yesterday I Smell that fresh air. Yeah, isn't it awful? That's what's wrong with this country. It's full of them. Let's go down to the corner to joe's bar That won't do us any good. I haven't gotten any money neither of us Not on nicker. Let's try the other side of the street. Oh This thing. It won't get us any drinks. I'll go home and get my violin. That's my line Let's lie down here in the gutter. Okay Wait a minute ray. Don't you want to put your head up on the curb? No, I always sleep without a pillow My feet are cold pull up that man old cover And now I'm comfy And keep me in here. I'm napoleon here. I'm napoleon. We'll get on my back. I'm your horse Ray, where are we? I don't know Let's ask that man in a white coat. Oh, yes Same as sir. Yeah You're in the alcoholic ward Alcoholic ward. I want to get out of here. Let me out. Yes. Let's go to here Oh, you don't want to leave until you've seen the floor show floor show. Yes in the middle of the night You start seeing me You won't see pink elephants. You're going to see red white and blue turkey. Oh goody. They changed the bill And then you're going to see tiny rabbits in straw hats Midget monkeys that come through the keyhole, you know the kind of talent that's handled by madman monks You'll see thousands of little snakes that knit themselves into a sweater and that isn't all Oh, I can stop it, but you can You're going to see beetles 23 of them running in the center need a handicap And 11 of them are in the fields There'll be grasshoppers five feet tall and there'll be woodpeckers pecking on your head Pack pack pack pack pack pack pack pack. Yes. Sir. You bet and how stop it stop it stop it That's it for the floor show And it'll start as soon as it gets dark It's like the doctor was saying to me Delirium is a disease of the night Well, good night Hey, he's gone. Now's our chance to get out. There's an open window. Okay, let's go. Here we are, back in our room. That's funny. We didn't even open the door. No, we crawled in under it. All right. You know, Jack, we'll either have to give up drinking or get our knees half-sold. Let's look for that bottle we hid. Let's see now. Where do we put it? Maybe it's in this dresser. Yes, the dresser. The dresser. Maybe it's behind the bookcase. Oh, it isn't here either. We've got to find that bottle. Maybe it's behind the sofa. Let me move it out. Yeah, the sofa. The sofa. Find that bottle. Wait a minute. The china closet. Yeah, yeah, the china closet. Paper plates. The bottle isn't there. I'm getting weak. I've got to have a drink. Sit down and rest a while, Ray. Get your mind off it. I'll turn on the radio. There. I'll sit down. But I've got to have a drink. I've got to have a drink. That's equal. Oh, find that bottle. Find that bottle. I've got to have a drink. Wait a minute. It's getting dark. I'll turn on the lights. All right. We found the bottle. We found it. Yeah, we found it. We found it. Say, Ray, I was just thinking. Wouldn't it be awful if mother were here? Yeah. There isn't enough for three of us. I'm sorry we blew out the lights. Now we're in the dark. Can you imagine that guy in the hospital saying we were going to see little animals? Yeah. Let me have a drink. What'd you say? I didn't say anything. Oh. Give me another drink. Huh? I didn't say anything. Do you mean to stand there flapping your wings and tell me you didn't say anything? Now what are you doing on the chandelier? I'm not on the chandelier. Well, there's something up under the... Look, it's a batch. It's a batch. I see it. It's taking the small hair off the little monkey. Oh, the monkey. He's coming at me. He's coming at me. Get him away from me. Get him away from me. Oh, the small little animal. And here come more of them. They're coming around to get him closer. They're surrounding us. Ray, Ray, look out. I can't help it. Ladies and gentlemen, two years ago, Dennis Day left our program and went into the Navy. At about the same time, another boy was honorably discharged from the Army Air Forces, and we were very fortunate in getting him to pinch hit while Dennis was away. Of course, I'm referring to Larry Stevens. Now that the war is over, Dennis Day will be back with us next week. Larry, I want to thank you for the wonderful job you've done on our show. You were a great asset, and I'm sure that our listeners feel the same way I do. Well, thank you, Mr. Benny. It sure has been grand being with you and your whole gang. Well, it was grand having you. We'll be hearing you on the air and seeing you soon in the new 20th Century Fox picture, Centennial Summer. Good luck, kid. Thank you, Mr. Benny. Compared to the courtesy of Paramount Pictures, I made the soon-seen and the picture kiddie. Jack will be back in a minute. Of course, here's my good friend, Effie Boone. All right. All right. Remember, in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. Here's what Mr. Roy Lee Daniel of Durham, North Carolina, 32 years an independent tobacco auctioneer said. I've seen lucky strike by fine, ripe quality tobacco that's chuck full of aroma, mildness, and good taste. I've smoked luckies myself for 15 years. Yes, sir. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. The famous tobacco auctioneer Mr. Effie Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. 49, American. And Mr. L.A., Speed Rigs of Goldsboro, North Carolina. L.A., 4-day. This is the battle rise deal speaking for Lucky Strike. L.S.M.F.D. L.S.M.F.D. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Thanks, Ray Malan. Sorry very much for appearing on our program and congratul-