 Welcome to another episode of Recover Loud. I'm Mike Paddleford and I Recover Loud. I want to welcome and introduce to you guys my wife, my friend and partner in everything I do, Lori Paddleford. Hi everyone, I'm Lori and I Recover Loud. This episode is a special one for us this week and we hope that you can all take something from our guest, Taylor. Our daughter has agreed to share her experience growing up in a home where we were doing our best, suffering from substance use disorder. We have also agreed to answer some of Taylor's questions. We have not prescreened her list of questions but are excited to continue the discussion that can contribute to the journey of healing for all of us. Taylor has always supported us in our recovery and we do want to just prepare you viewers for some tough conversations today. In active addiction there are a lot of ugly truths. I didn't choose a path of destruction that addiction took me on or the collateral damage that affected the lives of everyone around us. Taylor is the youngest of our three children and was living with us up until the point where we decided to seek help. Today she's one of our largest sources of support, strength and hope in our recovery. Hi Taylor and welcome to Recover Loud. We appreciate you joining us today and look forward to all you have to share with our viewers and honestly I'm a little nervous. Thank you for joining us and for having me on the show. So Taylor before we get started can you tell us a little bit about yourself today? How old you are, where you're living and what are you doing? I'm 20 years old. I live in Caribou, Maine. I work for a call center from home and I tend to my plants during that time. Great. Hey Taylor. So I'm a little nervous too of what we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna jump into some of this real conversation, okay? So if you're ready Taylor I will ask you my first question. Awesome. So as your mom I would like to know what is something that you clung to during those years when it was so chaotic and I wasn't there for you mentally as a mom. One of my biggest supports from myself I just always would remember that nothing lasts forever. No situation, no feeling, no event, anything. Okay, thank you. So Taylor, for a lot of years when you were younger we tried to hide our substance use from you. We would hang out in our bedroom we'd go to the basement and I always used to dread the day that you all realized that it didn't take 10 of our friends and three hours to help us do the laundry and the basement. Do you remember when you first realized that there was something going on? There was a day that I had found some paraphernalia hidden under the couch at the Bue Street house. I had known before then that something wasn't right as I had heard rumors from other people as well as my friends had actually mentioned to me that something wasn't right. So yeah, there was definitely a little bit of knowledge but definitely not a lot. Okay, and I'm sure you didn't imagine the extent to which we were using. You know, I couldn't imagine at my age thinking that my parents could possibly be doing the worst of the worst. You know, the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. We like to get right into it and you've helped me immensely even when I didn't necessarily want help, right? So this one's a tough one, but knowing me now for three years as a sober mom, what was it that was, you were able to turn from that dislike of who I was for 12 years to finally be able to call me mom and mean it? Genuinely, I didn't have a lot of a choice. I had to switch from being upset and angry almost immediately to being supportive because in my head, if I wasn't supportive, there would be a relapse in the future and that wasn't something that I would like to have in my brain that I caused. I'm scared that if you didn't find that supportive structure that I or dad would relapse. Did that hinder your progress of healing to a point or did it force you to heal faster kind of the way that we forced you to grow up? I wouldn't say that it forced me to heal faster. It definitely prevented it in my opinion because I wasn't able to heal and that time I had to just be supportive. I wasn't able to take the time for myself and really heal from the traumas that I've been through. Taylor, I remember you had come down over the summer and we took a ride to Old Orchard Beach and my recovery started at that beach. And I remember I wanted you to have such a good time with us that day and understand the importance of that location for me. But you weren't enjoying it. You were having a tough day and I remember we asked what's going on and your reply was simply that you felt you were forced into supporting us as soon as you found out what was going on. And I think your exact quote was I didn't have a chance to be upset with you. And I believe we took some time that day and gave you permission at that point to be upset but to please accept that we aren't those people anymore. And what we do today honestly is because of you and because of the healing that we hope you can find. You mentioned that you were afraid of us relapsing without your support and honestly the idea of losing your support helped keep us clean. Taylor, what would you tell yourself if you could go backwards to that 10-year-old child, to that 14-year-old child, to that 17-year-old child knowing your parents in recovery at that point? Well, what could you go back and give for comforting words? I know you said this nothing lasts forever. Everything will change. But what is it you needed that you wish you would have had that you could provide for yourself? That is a very good question. Fortunately at those times I really did have support from so many different people, whether they realized it or not, especially in high school, my teacher specifically, I had her for the last three years of my high school, my time in high school and if it wasn't for her, I don't know if I would have made it through high school. I did end up dropping out but I still graduated with a diploma. Yeah. So Taylor, I'd like to talk about some of the memories you have as a child and were there good things? Do you remember having, do you have many good memories of your childhood or has everything been tainted today by the knowledge of what was going on during those times? That's also a good question. Genuinely, I don't have an incredible recollection of my childhood as there was a lot of trauma and unfortunately because of that, I don't have a lot of the good memories either. There is a few good memories but most of them, you know, family vacations were paid for by drug money and so a lot of our fun times have been tainted because of what paid for it to get there. Yeah, and that's completely understandable. And that's important for me today when we build new memories with you that they are genuine and they're real and that's a lot of my recovery, changing the narrative around our relationship and what we do today, I hope will last your lifetime and you can hold these memories. So we've asked you plenty, plenty of questions and your turn, fire away. All right, let's start with an easier question. What caused you to get clean and this question is for both of you. Okay. For me, there was multiple events that happened. The most significant one at 2018, in October of 2018, there was an event in my home. Police were involved, Michael was removed. We'd been together for a long time so it was very difficult for me to know how to wake up and deal with day to day without your dad. So we broke the protection from abuse, which is not suggested and Michael came across the town of Caribou in the middle of the cold, found me in the woods and he told me I looked like I was gonna die. It also was an event with you that we agreed we wouldn't go through but it was a very bad day and then both of my boys trying to do an intervention and I left them sitting on the couch to go sell substances. All of these events turned into a swirling mess and I don't know. You walked back in that door and I remember seeing you and I was ready because your dad was getting clean and I didn't have to hide it anymore. I didn't wanna do this stuff. I needed help so I walked into my emergency room and I was, I don't remember actually doing the walking but I remember sitting down and she said what are you here for today? And I said I wanna get clean from heroin and meth and the wonderful people at Carry Medical opened their doors, opened their hearts. They gave me resources. They didn't leave me alone. That's what got me to rehab. Well it helped me make the decision that day to go into detox and then to seek further treatment knowing that a detox and a five day detox and then going right back to the life I had I knew that wasn't gonna work for me. But what led me to detox that day was a conversation with you and it was after some ugly events that happened and some clarity that for the previous 16 years you really didn't have parents that were present for you in your life and the conversation we had that it really touched me and I decided at that point that I'd had enough and that you guys deserve so much more and I was just glad I realized that it wasn't too late to change that. So I decided from that day forward I was gonna be your parent and it took work, it really did. I mean it wasn't just a snap decision that worked out for me. It was days of mulling it over and failed attempts for a few days until I really realized that I couldn't do this on my own and I was gonna have to go find a way to make it work so that I could be there for you guys. The question that any child has or might have when they have parents that struggle with substance use disorder could be why were we not enough sooner? And this is for both of you. That is a very deep question. And I'll take that one first. You were always enough. You were always more than enough. But the way addiction works, the way those substances work, it really wasn't a choice for me. It wasn't a choice of drugs or Taylor. It was dictated and once I got the substances then I could do what needed to be done. I believe that it's important that I take responsibility for all that I've done to you in the past. Not being present, making you guys late, canceling plans. Some of the worst chaotic scenes that we had in the house. I do take responsibility for that. But those weren't choices that I wanted to make. Like I said, it was dictated for me. First thing on my mind in the morning was how I was going to use that day. The second thought may have been what are Taylor's plans? What does Taylor need today? But until that first question was answered, I couldn't get to the next question. So you've always been enough and I wish there was a way to show that to you today. But today I can only show you that today you are priority in my life. Is that a question? Yeah. I didn't know how to love you would be my honest answer. We talk about the generational trauma. And again, I'm grateful now to be able to learn how to be your mom and be your mom. I had to choose comfort, peace, and stability. And I was always choosing chaos because it's all I ever knew. So like dad said, you are and always have been enough. Your brothers are enough. I was not able to stop. I don't even know if I knew that I wasn't putting you first because in my justification of my brain was as long as I have a substance, I can run you guys all over town and do your sports. I could hide behind my sunglasses or my makeup. And nobody would know. The day that I realized I was choosing substances over you was when I spent time digging through your room to take your hard earned money and go buy drugs. And for that, I am so sorry. And I know that that would not be something that I would do as me today. But it does show the depths of substance use disorder and that it can make a mom immediately forget the most important thing in her world is her children. So I love you. And I'm sorry that I made you feel like you were not enough because you've always been enough. What would be one thing that you could have or would have told your children during your active addiction had you known what you do now? I think it's important for not only people's children, but for everyone to realize and accept that substance use disorder is a mental illness. We don't choose to get to the point that your mother and I were at. In the beginning, we may have chosen to use a substance, but then that choice was taken from us. And I mean, it took me a while in order for me to forgive myself and anyone else. I had to accept that this is a disease. I can't control what's happening around me because my sick mind was in the driver's seat. It wasn't until I was able to clear my mind to really think and accept those things. So I think an understanding of the disease of addiction starting at an early age would help a lot of people from this point on because we're good people that are doing things against our own will. I didn't choose or want to choose to take your birthday money or to deny you Christmas gifts because I'd spent all of our money. I wouldn't have wanted to choose canceling plans with you because I couldn't find something to take the edge off. It's a disease and we all have to accept that. We all have to learn that and then we have to work to a solution. But just writing people off as drug addicted, worthless individuals, that helps no one. And understanding that medical intervention is really what's needed. To run to their safe place and tell them everything, I would have told you to go to your grandmother, the neighbor that saved you guys that night. I was a scary person. I would have told you to tell someone for yourselves and then to get help for yourselves. And that was a hard thing to come to because there should have been more help for you, Ted. And the nature of addiction, it is hard to ask for help. We think we're in control. We think we can handle it. We think we can get ourselves out of this. And that's not the case generally. Asking for help is something that I had to learn to do and without asking for help, I never would have gotten to where I'm at today. So asking for help is a very important piece of advice. If you could use this platform of the Recover Loud show to speak to a child, a person suffering with substance use disorder, a family member affected by somebody using substances, being that you are all of those, what would be the one message you would tell someone to get through today? I would tell them to please remember that it doesn't last forever and that they should tell someone. I can recall a time where I was already living on my own. It was after you guys had headed out to get clean. And I was getting a ride from my boss to work because I was working a town over and I was just rambling on about my story and how I have had parents that were addicts for my entire life. And she looked at me kind of funny and she said, you're really brave to just be telling people that. And I can remember thinking like I don't understand why she's saying that. I thought that I had to. That's the only way that I can get through it. Excuse me, that's the only way that I'm gonna be able to get through it. So why not? Why not recover loud, right? So Taylor, when we left for detox and rehab, how old were you? I was 16. Okay. So as a 16 year old, all of a sudden, you know, your parents weren't there anymore. Thankfully you didn't lose us as many other children have. What was it like for you? How did you survive as a 16 year old without parents? Fortunately, I didn't do it on my own. My boyfriend has been my biggest supporter and I don't know where I would be without him. When I was kicked out of my home, I ended up living with my boyfriend's family for a little while. They helped us out a lot. They ended up helping us find our own apartment. Which was one of the best things that could have happened to us because we needed that. And a little while into living in that apartment, I ended up getting emancipated at the age of 17. It took a while. It was scary. And, you know, I got to my court date on the date of my emancipation. And my parents weren't there to try and fight it. So that was a little bit heartbreaking. Although I had already known you weren't going to be there, but it was still, it was what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I had wanted. Yeah. I want to thank everybody for watching. Join us next week for Recover Loud. The show airs Thursday nights on PMC, Channel 5 in Portland on Thursday nights at 7.30. Recover Loud, everyone. Have a good night. So every time I call, you pick up the phone in. Always reminding me that I'm not alone in. Even when I'm scared and my feet are frozen, you help me keep it going like a semi-colon. Every time I fall, you just pick me up. Say you was down to ride through the thickest mud. And you also helping me light the way. And even in the dark, you always keeping me safe. And everything I've lost, don't compare to what I've gained. So no matter what it costs, yeah, I'll be willing to pay. So every time I call, you pick up the phone in. Always reminding me that I'm not alone in. Even when I'm scared and my feet are frozen, you help me keep it going like a semi-colon. So I'mma follow your steps for all of the way up on my faith. And you will walk on the waves. And if I stumble a bit and fall on my face, you're gonna save me with all of your grace. Yeah, thank God.