 Have you ever wondered what Christmas is like for a drug addict and alcoholic? Well stay tuned because I'm about to share my story about what Christmas is like for a drug addict. What's up everybody this is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and this is kind of a story time video sharing about my struggles with addiction during Christmas time but I also want to share my story for any addicts or alcoholics out there who are still struggling in an act of addiction. I want to explain how much better it gets too so make sure you stay tuned until the end of this video because this isn't just a bunch of oh poor me or horror stories things do get better. Christmas went from one of my least favorite holidays to one of my favorite. All right so anyways I was the child of an alcoholic mom. I grew up hating Christmases. I hated them. I hated all the holidays to be honest. My parents got divorced when I was about four years old. I lived with my dad. He raised me and I started visiting my mom on the holidays so Thanksgiving Christmas Easter summer vacations all that but you know while most kids had very normal Christmases my Christmases were an absolute nightmare. It was always worrying about what my mom was going to do on Christmas Eve or Christmas day. We're talking like when most families are having this nice Christmas Eve dinner everybody comes into town and it's all fun and yay. My mom would have a couple drinks and she's trying to stab or kill one of her brothers or sisters and it would be a hot mess. You know I remember my my stepdad having to carry her to the car passed out you know and me just sitting in the backseat on the drive home just like is this what Christmas is. But also growing up too I didn't like Christmas that much. I always felt like an outsider in my in my own family because my sister was raised in Fresno California where I'm from but I was living in Southern California or later I moved to Las Vegas where I currently live and whenever I visited for Christmas and like I know share it like when I go back and share about this it seems like oh what was me but some of you can relate to this and I do want to share about you know how my addiction kind of came to fruition because a lot of it was based on my childhood but anyways whenever I would come and visit like my aunts my uncles my grandparents and things like that they would get my sister these very thoughtful gifts and for any of you parents out there or uncles or aunts or grandparents like kids notice stuff like I'm living proof of that. My sister was getting very thoughtful gifts like they knew my sister they knew what her likes were her dislikes and she'd open presents and they were catered to her and me it was like it was almost like my presence were like this second afterthought you know like oh wait that kid Chris is coming you know like throw a gift card at him or just some random toy I don't even know if he's into this thing you know and I was looking at that as a child like I'm like these people just don't even know me or care about me so you know you pile on the fact that my mom was getting completely wasted every single Christmas with the fact that I just felt you know alone in my own family like I just couldn't wait to go back home where my dad showed me the attention that I wanted and I could be around my friends and stuff like that I just hated Christmas so you know fast forward years and years later when I finally started drinking and using drugs and stuff and Christmas for a drug addict man it is the the best day and the worst day it is depressing I look back and like when you're a drug addict or alcoholic like me like I was excited for days like Christmas just because it meant a day off of work where I could literally go in and out of blackouts all day long all day long just from the time I woke up you know and just chug some you know Bacardi and pass back out or I'd wake up crush some pills snored them fall asleep maybe just watch some Christmas movies all messed up like I wasn't visiting family I wasn't hanging out with friends sometimes I would hang out with friends if they were the type that were partying on Christmas Eve but other than that it was very lonely and isolating but like to me like that was that was a perfect scenario you know nobody bothering me all my roommates would be out with their families and stuff and I just made sure I stocked up now when you combine like being a drug addict on Christmas like man we are a hot mess because like if you're drug addict or you're a recovering drug addict you know exactly what I mean like first off vacations or nightmares because you've got to load up you got to get as much as you can before you go and you try to like ration it and you're like oh well I use this much per day so if I get this many pills for this many days you know then I'll be fine right and since we're drug addicts we always use way more so like I would have to stock up the days before Christmas because to be honest like a lot of my drug dealers were old women and and a lot of them were like hanging out with their families that day so it was a very bad situation for me to run out of drugs on Christmas day and then like begging my old lady drug dealer to meet up with me on Christmas to give me more drugs right and you know living in Las Vegas I didn't really have to worry about the alcohol issue too much bars are open all the bars are open grocery stores some of them might close early but like that's what's messed up about addiction too is like every move you make is about getting drunk or high I had to plan ahead I had to be very like very structured with my thinking and what I was doing how am I going to make sure I have enough before the holiday because I don't know if I'll be able to get some like this thing is a full-time job and if any of you addicts are out there who are in recovery like I always challenge my clients to remember how much effort actually went to our addiction like how much we were actually doing this was a 24-7 job right and I challenge my clients to remember that or anybody early in recovery because all of a sudden we get sober and we just think it's going to happen we just think we're going to stay clean like we just have to put a little bit of effort they used to tell me if you put any even half of the effort into staying clean that you did your active addiction you'll be just fine right and when I kind of quantified that and I was like okay so my addiction was 24-7 so if I even put half of that which would be you know 12 hours a day and three and a half days a week I'll be fine and the reality is is once you actually start doing recovery stuff it's a lot less than that they're asking for like maybe an hour a day you know what I mean the suggestion is 90 meetings in 90 days and then like after that you know you keep going that meant that much or you kind of taper off but really recovery is a lot less effort than it is to be an active addiction so so yeah for years I was just doing that and um you know as a parent who is an active addiction like you know that's one of the worst things and I'm gonna I'm gonna do a video about work-life balance and here's the thing when my son was born and I was still in my active addiction because I didn't get clean until he was three I was always physically there I was physically there with him on the holidays on Christmas um you know Christmas Eve I got presents and I you know I had to strategize how much money I was spending on presents because I could buy him a lot of stuff for Christmas but I also had to make sure I had enough money for drugs and for booze and like that's a terrible thing to do as a parent you know what I mean like I had to figure out how much how many presents I'm gonna get this kid or is it gonna cut into my my drug fund and his birthday is on New Year's Eve so I really had to be strategic about this but even though I was physically there with him on the holidays like I wasn't there like um I look back at some of the old Christmas photos like Facebook does like on this day and I look back you know I'm five and a half years clean now and I look back six seven years ago um when I was with my son and I don't even remember those pictures like I wasn't there I wasn't mentally there um I was hiding alcohol around the house I was sneaking off to the bathroom to go snore pills you know things like that and uh eventually you know I just wasn't really even seeing him that much on the holidays towards my last year of active addiction but anyways that's that's how terrible it is to be a drug addict and like I said I hope I hope you all realize how depressing it is for the most exciting day of the year just to be you have a day off because of a holiday where you can isolate and get messed up but anyways now let's talk about recovery let's talk about an addict in recovery celebrating Christmas so one thing that I do today I'm recording this on Christmas Eve tomorrow morning um I'm not seeing my son and I I choose not to see my son um Christmas morning so I can go work I work at a drug and alcohol rehab center I work at a rehab center in Las Vegas 90 percent of our clients are from out of state and I purposely go in there and I share my story or I do something with them um because that is the most important thing I could do because my first year sober I missed all of the holidays with my son I missed every single one Halloween Thanksgiving Christmas his birthday Father's Day Easter every single holiday because I was in California getting clean so I know how difficult it is for people to be away from their families so my first year clean it was very depressing it was very difficult to be away from my son but I knew I knew that I was doing this for the bigger picture here I am five and a half years later I have not missed a Christmas with my son um and what I mean by that is after I do what I do um at my drug and alcohol rehab center in the morning I go spend the rest of the day with my son and he knows this he's okay with this his mom's okay with this like she knows how big of a deal it is for me to go and share it by drug and alcohol rehab center so that first Christmas was very difficult and depressing just being away from my son the second Christmas right when I so I came back to Las Vegas in the summer um of my second year sober and it took me a few months to get a job I finally got a job I had warrants out for my arrest here in Las Vegas so that first Christmas back in Las Vegas with my son I I had to pay off these warrants for my arrest and I couldn't buy him a single present and like that is some demoralizing degrading embarrassing stuff but again like you know I had to look at the bigger picture I had to look at like okay um what's what what's more valuable me buying my son some things he's four years old at this time buy him some things that he's probably not going to play with me not remember or his dad going to jail in two months because he has warrants out for his arrest right like I had to really like think about that now the second part that I need to share because a lot of addicts struggle with rebuilding relationships with their families in early recovery so that first Christmas back in Las Vegas when I couldn't buy my son anything my son's mom actually took extra presents that she had bought and she put my name on him and the reason why that's so important was because at this time she was still pretty upset with me she still didn't trust me fully she still didn't even think I was going to say sober even though I was a year and a half clean but I had to really um consciously notice that she was putting in effort and she did want me to be there for my son she wanted my son to see me as a good father so it was really a big grand gesture that she actually put my name on some of the presents that she bought for him since I couldn't now let's get into my third Christmas sober this is where I think a lot of parents in recovery screw up because I definitely did now I had a job now I had money saved up now I was making money my son's five six years old at this time and now it's time for me to overcompensate right I felt so guilty about his first three Christmases of me being a drug addict I felt guilty about the first two Christmases of my sobriety when I couldn't really get him anything or I wasn't with him so I spent way too much money on him I bought him so much stuff I man I I think I got him a Wii U and a ton of games and Legos and toys and just all these things and it was you know this is what we do in early recovery we try to overcompensate because we feel so guilty and we get these things we get these things right like don't get it twisted my son loves presents he loves presents but you know what he loves more than presents he loves having a sober dad with him on Christmas you know but I was trying to make myself feel better and I was trying to maybe even outwardly look like I was doing better to everybody like look at all these toys I bought my son I bought my son like you know taking pictures of all of it posting on social media his smiles and stuff like that like my motives for buying them all those things were not correct I was doing it to compensate for the guilt I felt and trying to prove to other people that look how amazing I'm doing now that I'm sober you know and then you know it put me in debt I was broke for the next few months you know what I mean and that's like I was putting myself in a bad situation you know now when it comes to Christmas with my son like I don't overextend um he's in the other room so I'll be quiet but uh you know I got him a decent amount of stuff I got him like what a normal parent should get their kid and like the best gift I can give to this kid is just being there for him being there with him you know he doesn't have a drug addict alcoholic father anymore you know he has a father who's in recovery and he just wants to spend time with me I got presents that you know like uh legos and video games that we can play together and spend quality time with so it's not just that initial like oh I opened a present it's like these are giving us long-term value because um you know that's the best part about being sober too when the kid is you know uh having similar interest now he's about to turn nine in about uh a week uh on New Year's Eve and um he has all the same interests that I do so I can do things where um I get to spend time with him because he has you know he loves Star Wars he loves Marvel he loves you know music he loves all these things that I love and it's it's amazing but you know the other things too is like in my recovery like my family is in California and um you know now like another thing that my son's mom like I'm gonna I'm gonna do an interview with her soon for my channel because I know a lot of people struggle with rebuilding relationships especially with their their kids parents and me and her has such a beautiful relationship now and you know on these holidays like Christmas she knows I'm away from my family like they invite me over they invite me over to spend um you know have a Christmas dinner with them or Christmas Eve dinner with them her family welcomes me with open arms I have an amazing relationship with her family I have an amazing relationship with um her new husband they have a son you know what I mean and I can go over there and it's not awkward it's not weird and they invite me into their home because they know my family is back in California but you know other than that I have I have my friends I have my beautiful girlfriend I'm actually going over there tonight for Christmas Eve dinner um I have other people actually inviting me to stuff like it's crazy how much different my Christmases are now like like I like I like have to buy people presents now because people actually want to buy me gifts like I'm not this like loser like drug addicts who just isolates and destroys relationships with people like I have people sending me presents I have clients at my rehab giving me presents and stuff like you know the holidays for me now are just absolutely you know beautiful and you know I get to wish people a merry Christmas and call my parents just to say merry Christmas you know my mom's in recovery now too and you know I miss my family back there but I know they're doing well and you know we talk on the phone and and things like that so you know if nothing else like I really hope that some of you out there who are either in your active addiction or in early recovery or if you know somebody out there who is in active addiction or in early recovery like I hope what you got from this video is that things do get better things get better it takes work though it takes effort like I said in the beginning of this video we have to put effort into our recovery we have to put effort into our mental health that's why I have this channel so make sure that you you're watching these other videos on my channel like we have to work on our mental health in order to have these beautiful holidays and just be you know um as normal as possible like this is a beautiful time of year it's no longer depressing for me you know because I have people in my life who love me and I love them you know but it takes time it takes time I hope what the other thing you got from this video is my first two sober Christmases sucked they sucked but now they're so much better and it didn't take five years for them to get better took a couple years but they're much better now so if nothing else the goal of this video is to get give some of you hope hopefully you stayed around to the end of this video and like I said like what I've been telling all of you lately like if you ever need to get a hold of me feel free to reach out either in the youtube comments you can email me at the rewiredsoul.com I'll put up my instagram again right here a lot of people DM me who are struggling from all over the world and just you know I'm always around to talk you know I might not reply immediately but I'm always down to have a conversation even if you're not an addict or a recovering addict if you have a loved one I'm more than happy to talk to you too but anyways y'all I really really really hope that you have a merry Christmas and and just remember try to try to realize that big picture and what we're working towards I highly suggest you check out my other video I'll put in the info card the real gratitude challenge like we need to quit just only being happy and nice to each other on Christmas and around the holidays we need to start doing that 365 days a year that's that's when your mental health really improves and you start enjoying life a lot better but anyways y'all if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and if you're new here again hit the little round subscribe button I'm always making videos to help you out with your mental health I make videos about addiction recovery as well click or tap to the left of me right over here check out one of those thumbnails because it's another video that'll help you out thanks for watching merry Christmas I'll see you next time