 Okay, I'm going to try this again. Hi. This is Jonathan Asley of Jonathan Asley.com and I'm so excited to be doing my first live stream I'm having some technical difficulties So I'm gonna have to probably go back and delete some of these But I just want to thank those that are gonna be joining in a few moments I've just got to give a few seconds for people to jump on So please bear with me. One of the challenges with doing, you know live is just technology and whatnot So I've been having some problems trying to set this whole thing up and I'm gonna need to be taught. Who looks like Looks like bliss just joined us. Thank you for joining us bliss. I really appreciate that And I'm gonna give a few more seconds for some others to join us But while I do hey bliss, can you do me a favor and Post a comment post a question. You'd like me to have answered I'd like to just jump right in right now and answer questions So if you have something for me, please post it right now Let's get this dialogue going so we can have a fun live stream for the next five ten twenty thirty minutes However long this goes so again I see one person on if you could post a question. I would be so grateful Otherwise, this is just gonna be ramblings ramblings ramblings ramblings. So Well, it looks like you're bashful. So That's okay You know, I'm gonna talk about so for those are not hey Suzanne Thanks for joining do me a favor Suzanne if you have a question, please post it below This is all about having a live Q&A answering questions. So if we don't have any questions, this isn't gonna be much fun. So For those who are unfamiliar with my work, I'm a dating and relationship coach for women Mostly specializing in midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement So my predominant demographic is those folks that are between 42 and 69 Okay, why I specialize in that is because those in their 20s and 30s There's a different energy to forming a relationship for those in their 20s and 30s That's usually centered around high everyone usually centered around having children and raising a family But what happens when you're in your 40s 50s and 60s the vast majority of single people who are looking for love are divorced and In that comes a lot more complications and I use the term complications in that we come to the table with our stuff in our lives Thanks. Hi everyone with our stuff in our life. We call it baggage. We call it luggage You know, whatever that is and it's a little bit more challenging to blend lives with another person This is why dating at midlife can be so much more challenging than those in their 20s and 30s And and let's not mention that my area of also expertise is helping women understand men so Because men at midlife I often say if you watch my videos are quite clueless and what they're clueless to is We haven't been really educated on how to merge lives with another human being when we come to the table with our stuff So in our 20s and 30s, we're like a blank sheet of paper And as we get in our 40s 50s and 60s, we have stuff and how do you make our stuff work? And this is where most people are rather clueless. This is why if you follow my work if you've been watching my videos I often talk about a variety of books. Hi everyone By the way, I noticed a question come in so I want to start Answering some questions because that's what this is all about. So you got a gist of where I'm going now Let's just jump into the questions. I'm particular Know what I'm looking for in a man. I find missing Find some missing many things. Okay, so Angelique wrote that by the way, thanks for everyone. That's writing from all over the world Thanks so much alright, so Here's the interesting thing about what Angelique just wrote and I want to comment on this because as a dating and Relationship coach for women. I can say to you that so many women Come to me in the clouds. They have this Fantasy of what they want in relationship and what they lack is the real foundation of understanding the relationship Now I will say that women are more relationship oriented than men women are more Fixated on relationships than men So there is one facet of women that is different than men is they're more focused on Relationship, but that doesn't make them any better ladies That doesn't make you any better at being in a relationship or understanding the mechanics of a relationship because if you did There wouldn't be the need for coaches like myself giving advice over and over and over again So I do want to say going back to Angelique's comment Well that that you you know that she knows what she's looking for I get it a lot of people know what they're looking for That's great. You know what you're looking for So, why aren't you finding it? Isn't that really the question the next question if you know what you're looking for Why aren't you finding it? All right now? There's some questions coming in slow down everyone Character integrity honesty open trust communication going back to Angelique. Yeah, there's a lot of men that lack all that just like There's a lot of women who lack that that's just called being a human being Okay, Kimberly writes my ex didn't see himself marrying me after a year together Can you know for sure by the length of time? Okay, great question Um and everyone please this is my first time and this is going really fast and I next time I'm gonna have to edit it So it goes much slower One year in relation here's my philosophy You know, it doesn't take much It doesn't take a year to decide if you want to be in a fully committed relationship with someone The challenge is does that person want to be in a fully committed relationship? That's partnership oriented Did you hear that partnership oriented? What the challenge in dating today is most people are are getting their basic needs met of companionship Connection and sex without any real partnership. What does partnership look like? Partnership means you're part of the same team together. You're on the same team You're helping each other and your personal lives. You're helping each other and your professional lives That's what partnership is And so a lot of people can be in relationship together But are they really in partnership together and that's one of the challenges? I do believe if you're not Aware of the and and understand the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship It makes it much more difficult to establish a partnership with another person. Okay, Jessica writes I am 34. He's 48. He keeps trying to push me away. But then comes back Comes right back when blank. What can I do this cycle? Okay Please forgive me. These questions are coming in really fast and I'm going to have a hard time Following this so I'm going to have to do a better job when I do this the next time So 34 48, uh, he I'm assuming he pulls away when she gets close It's very common once again The average human being men and women alike In today's relationships, uh, they have what their basic needs met those basic needs are companionship connection sex, okay This is what ester parel calls stable ambiguity. I talk about her book quite often called mating in captivity make Oh, that's backwards. Should I do it upside down mating in captivity? Uh in her I wonder what my book looks like self. Okay So it looks backwards. Um, so mating kept stable ambiguity basic means is the the stable part is that it's monogamous and exclusive and the ambiguous part Is is this a partnership? Are we trying to develop a partnership with one another? Breathe that in. Are we trying to develop a partnership with one another? Are we by the way? I'm assuming that that's what people want. Okay I'm under the impression that the goal here is to be in partnership with another person not in a relationship And you see how a partnership is a much stronger when I do this it can break away really easy. Wow This is brand new stuff for me. I just came up with this idea. This is what a relationship is It can be pulled apart really easy A partnership is much harder to pull apart So this is why I'm a big proponent of people Approaching the dating process with an awareness of wanting to be in partnership with another human being Okay men and women alike The sad reality is that most people are just seeking that companionship connection and sex without any real partnership Okay. All right. Wow lots of questions coming in Please bear with me. This is going by real fast. He's nervous dating me because we're in the same We're in the same friends group. This is what Tina wrote He's nervous to be dating me because we're in the same friends group Sometimes that can be a challenge when you are friends with other people There's an old saying, you know, be careful. Don't blank where you where you go to Don't shit where you eat. Okay. So it's kind of that's work related But that can be the same with friends because when you have your friends group and you decide think about this You like another person, but you're not really sure about them So you're thinking do I want to explore a relationship? Don't I want to explore a relationship with them? It can be kind of tricky because you don't want to disrupt the balance of your life if it doesn't work out This is one of the reasons why people vacillate In the dating process vacillate means they're they're back and forth. They're oscillating. They're unsure because the reality is and I know Ladies you've been sucked into this whole feminine energy kind of stuff that all you have to do is just be warm And smile and a man will just naturally gravitate for you the real that's great When that's a great way to To approach it when you're meeting people you're familiar with But the reality is is today we're meeting strangers now And I know in her case there's a friends group but We're we're really strangers to one another and it's hard to develop intimacy with strangers Because of fear of rejection the fear of fallout all of these reasons So that could be part of the reason what's happening there. All right. Hi ladies. Just finished private coaching December with oh, hey, Renee How's it going? Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comment there I know we changed your life and I'm really proud of that Angelique wrote yes person was with sex is good with him, but isn't much like me guess more emotional more physical I don't know what that means. Uh, thanks deep diver How to date after being with someone who's verbally abusive? Whoa How to date well first year if someone's been verbally abusive to you first off first and foremost Compassion for oneself Breathe that in compassion for with oneself self love. This is my book. What the heck is self love anyway? It starts by being compassionate for yourself Now forgiveness Also is part of compassion for yourself But forgiveness means for giving love for giving love and one of the best things you can do for yourself Is give yourself an injection of love because look at i'm not absolving someone of bad behavior But until there's a healing it's going to make it very difficult to be in relationship with another human being It's going to make it very difficult to actually trust another human being This is why i'm such a big proponent of self love Self love those who know me know my book what the heck is self love anyway Was birth after the loss of my 19 year old son connor you know I'm gonna cry now It's not That my son betrayed me Why i'm using the word betrayed When you lose someone you care about deeply it can feel Extension empty loss it can feel painful it can almost feel like a betrayal of what we what my I thought my life was going to be like with him So I share this with you is he was the inspiration for me to do a deep dive into what does it mean to love myself because I I my whole life i'm a recovering codependent I've literally adopted a philosophy is you need you have to love me for me to feel good about myself You have to love me for me to feel good about myself. So So self love is is loving yourself. It's giving yourself that big gigantic hug giving yourself that big gigantic hug because the reality is is It until we actually truly begin a healing And forgiveness and compassion just simply compassion for yourself It's going to be difficult to be in relationship with another human being. So that's my invitation for you. I apologize I didn't catch. I didn't notice your name, but for that for the person to ask that All right, I hope this is sinking in. I can't watch for you. He's showing me more love hugs to you Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that Um Okay, so angelic he's showing. Oh, let me go back to that one angelic He is showing love through sex more conversation. I'm more emotionally caring showing love I'm still open, but he needs healing from mother child abuse. Okay, so listen ladies for those who follow my work You know, I am here to say that the vast majority of the human population is deeply or is wounded Both from childhood wounds and traumas as well as adult wounds and traumas Let me repeat that childhood wounds and traumas and adult wounds and traumas Now what happens with childhood wounds and traumas? It usually creates our negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives Let me repeat that it usually Becomes the systemic problem with our limiting beliefs in our lives if they go unhealed So for example, I'm an anxious attacher. Okay for those who are familiar with love attachment stuff Do I have the book attached? Yeah, here we go the book attached. Okay Uh love attachment. There is basically anxious avoidant and secure okay, and um Anxious it means neediness. Please forgive me. My phone's going off neediness. So I can be very I can I've I've been doing a lot of healing from anxious attachment, but this all stems from my childhood So this was deeply ingrained. Okay now So this is and for for the for the avoidant It's where they're afraid of love and anxious person is like craving craving craving love So I'm just kind of giving you the cliff. No version of that Okay Other negative patterns and beliefs it could be we follow patterns of our parents I my mom was very critical in my life and guess what I am. I'm overly analytical and critical It's one of my negative patterns and limiting beliefs in my life, you know My belief that I need others to love me for me to feel good about myself all stemmed from my childhood Now adult traumas the biggest adult traumas that happens in midlife Happens to be centered around divorce around divorce and because of divorce It can absolutely shift the balance of power I'll say from that old paradigm of being men being provider protectors a lot of men Go through a divorce and the last thing they want to be in relationship is a provider protector Even though there's a base Instinctual need there the trauma circ can circumvent that this is why I I'm such a big proponent Of don't listen to the rhetoric that is centered on biology based dating biology based dating We have to throw out the gender and biology and we have to look at human beings as individuals Flawed in human beings riddled with flaws. That's what we are It's one of the reasons why I am always forget that whole fucking masculine and feminine and just be human Treat a man like a human being treat a woman like a human being Ladies, I know you want a quality in the workforce. We need to create a different type of equality in relationships And what I mean by a quality. I mean a parody I mean a unity an equilibrium with one another and throwing out the whole penis vagina rhetoric And treat each other like human beings We're going to have this my invitation for you. You have a better chance of having relationship success this way Uh, let me see what else is going on Jonathan your videos helped me But I still have no self-love. I've been working towards healing childhood traumas, but it seems impossible Katharina, um, I apologize. I didn't pronounce your name properly Hey, that's a tough one. This is why where's my book? God, I should have just kept all my books up here I didn't this is why when I did what was called the hoffman process hoff man Hoffman process google it right now. This was a complete inner child workshop to heal my traumas Look at a hoffman process is rather expensive In fact, just for the record my ex-girlfriend after we broke up treated me on this and this is a $5,000 program This was my birthday gift from her Because that's how much we parted in a conscious uncoupling and I only share this with you is not every relationship has to be a Chaotic day at disaster two people can choose not to be in relationship and separate with one another in a conscious loving Compassionate way So she gifted me that and it was the most transformative thing in my life Now listen, you don't have to always do the hoffman process You can do insight google insight seminars You can do therapy to heal childhood wounds and traumas But I'm here to say if we don't heal underlying problems We're just going to repeat problems in relationships over and over and over again All right, I don't know if I helped on that one, but my invitation is do work When men tend to change their behavior before getting the woman or after why? um Is that alex? Oh, that's oh wait Before getting women and why alex. Come on the french except any input When men tend to change their behavior before getting the woman or after I don't really understand the question Um, you pronounced my name correctly. Oh, well, thank you, katherina Uh men okay men my age 40 often prefer younger women and those men only looking for sex What does a man look for in a woman in his own age can what can we offer or should we okay? Here's the thing about look at age Let's talk about the age conversation By the way for the record I was in a relationship with a woman who was significantly older than me She would kill me for say this and I say significantly. Let's just say I was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 years older than me. She is going to kill me if she hears this um, but it's okay so Look at I found her absolutely dropped dead gorgeous her age wasn't an issue to me now Why do men can't why can men choose prefer younger women? Well part of it ladies is you know, we Ladies are no different. I I talked to so many women who want younger men as well because The older we are the more baggage and shit we come to the table That's one reason why people want younger The other thing is younger people tend to keep their physiques in better shape than people are older I'm not saying that is an absolute. I'm just saying that more frequently So this is very common men and women alike Especially after 50 years old tend to want younger Now do men want sex? Absolutely. Yes. That's part of the process But unconscious men that's all they care about for people like myself who's seeking partnership with another human being We're looking for the whole package. So yes, there are plenty of men who want younger women who want sex And there are plenty of men who want women their own age There are plenty of men that are open to dating women older than themselves like I am and they want partnership Here's the bottom line with that question Do you want to focus on what's wrong or do you want to focus on what's right? How about making it simply like this the right man for me appreciates my age The right man for me appreciates my body the right man for me appreciates everything about me Only focus on that stop focus ladies. You got to stop focusing on what's wrong and start focusing on what you want Let me give you an example an olympic athlete Doesn't sit there and go. Oh, I'm going to lose the olympics. I'm going to lose the olympics I'm going to lose the olympics because the olympics is the hardest thing to ever win That's not what an olympic athlete does. They go after what they want I mean, I'm going to use a different example My son collin that's him right there He's so desperately wants to be a comedian. That's his passion. Although right now He's a tutor. By the way, if any of you have children at home and need a tutor Please check out collin's online tutoring Write me privately. I'll send you a link to it because he does zoom tutoring But he wants to be a comedian And up until covet every night of the week He was going to open mic nights open mic nights open mic nights because this is his passion He didn't say to himself becoming a comedian is hard and it'll never happen He people that persevere and get what they want in life It's because it's because they persevere and they keep going So you have a choice The red pill or the blue pill the blue pill is negativity or we will go with red pill The red pill is negativity and the blue pill is i'm going to achieve what I want and focus on that You have the choice. It's it's binary. You can focus on what's wrong or focus on what's right. Okay Um, he isn't as handsome like when you and angelic He isn't as handsome like when we met him at 24 and 35. We're both in shape Okay, great. Um, okay. Thanks for loving that answer. Uh, let's see Correction when do men tend to change their Unx okay correction deep diver rights correction. When do men tend to change their unacceptable behavior? Before getting the woman or after mating the woman. Okay, listen I'm going to be candid with you They're unacceptable behavior Human beings are riddled with unacceptable behavior many You know the reality is is where two people are like sandpaper with one another oftentimes. What's acceptable. What's unacceptable What's most important is finding someone who's in alignment with you Ladies one of the reasons why I have a coaching practice And by the way, if you need support on this check out a free discovery call with me It's on all my links if you ever check it out. It's just go to johnathan asley hit the coaching button One of my areas of expertise is teaching you how to vet how to vet For emotionally healthy men. Here's the reality of life. Oh, where is my wheel? Where's my wheel? Hey stand by for a second Okay, i'm back Okay, look at This is you're going to see this in upcoming video, but I want you to look at this pie chart Okay, now in this pie chart, there's 10 percent 10 percent 10 percent 10 percent 30 and 30 Okay, this represents men and women alike Now this 10 and 10 percent These are the people that have clinical emotional issues that make them very difficult Practically impossible to be in relationship with okay. These are absolute clinical issues. Okay Now 10 of these people are already in relationship with someone and 10 percent are not okay So there is a huge percentage of the population that is in relationship with people that have clinical issues Okay, now i'm making up these numbers. This is very anecdotal, but this is just gives you an illustration Then there's another 30 percent that have issues that are doing no work healing themselves They're doing literally no work to heal themselves. This is half the population Half the population does little or no introspective work self-love work healing work. This is men and women alike Now the other 10 percent are people that are very conscious aware doing personal development work self-help work Um spiritual work. They're doing the work as I talk about in my book. What the heck is self-love? Anyway, have you ordered my book yet? Please order my book at self-love the book.com. Okay 10 percent of these men these are men and women 10 percent are in relationship And there's another 10 percent like me that want to be in relationship. Okay Then there's another 30 percent that are doing something They're doing some personal development work. They're in the tunnel getting there So why do I share this with you? Is because the reality is is the vast majority of human beings are riddled with issues This is why Dating and relationships can be so problematic. That's why don't buy into the rhetoric of the whole Man must claim you and man must be sugarous and the man does this and the man does that because that's great to getting laid But you've got to deal with the person after all that. That's why I'm a big proponent of vetting the person Because here's the real reality of life. I want you to look at this little chart that I created This says child This says adult and this says parent Half the human beings out there are acting like children And and when you're with a child the other person has to become the parent This is because most people aren't operating in their adulthood their adulthood And this is what I want to lean into more and this is what i'm trying to encourage So but men and women alike to do the personal development self-help work so they become an emotional adult Let me repeat that an emotional adult And that's what I want to encourage. Okay. What else is people writing? I I guess you're right. Oh angelic wrote you guess you guess you're right about alignment We never argued disrespect one another. He's my second love. Okay My boyfriend has only said he loves me twice. We've been together seven months now. Should I be worried? um so I think there's There's a fear around saying the words. I love you because I love you comes with some level of commitment Commitment in other words And there's and we men are fearful of saying it because we're it's basically implying that I'm going to go the distance with you Here's the bottom line You know two people that are spending regular time together are doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Being physically intimate with one another um If they're not reached a point six months into the relationship and they're not feeling a sense of love I I don't want to say To be worried But I I really wonder if the two people are aligned with one another Do they have a shared vision do well first off? Do you share the same values? Do you have blendable lifestyles? Do you have a shared vision? Are they an emotional grown-up? These are all the important factors to end up with that partnership I've talked about And if those aren't present then it can be a problematic relationship. Here's the good news though Every relationship has value. I'm gonna repeat that every relationship has value Okay, so And and the value is what you learn for yourself and many people act like victims. Oh my god ladies in particular But guys too you act like victims It's always pointing the finger at the other person But you're not seeing the three fingers pointing back here in the united states We are suckling on the nipple of victim hood God people are act like such victims look I get it. They're unless you have to call a doctor A policeman or an attorney unless you have to call a doctor a policeman attorney Whatever happened in that relationship. You were a participant to it So take ownership to that part of the relationship. I know I'm going off tangent to what she wrote. Okay Oh, thank you, katharina I heard that men tend to change for women that they want before they get her But once they get her they don't want to work on themselves to improve um You know, I'm thinking of the movie uh as good as it gets you make me want to be a better man When a man genuinely cares about another woman I know when I was in a relationship with someone I genuinely care for I I wanted to be a better man Not to get laid That's such a short term thing. Um, I want to be a better man because it was good for me too That's how a grown-up operates now. Um I'm trying to give you an example of how I wanted to be a better man with her because I was in such a train Okay, look it Listen ladies I'm in my fifties for a majority of my life. I've I've been a trainwreck in relationship now not my marriage I mean in my marriage. I was so unconscious. I was so myopic. I was so focused on self I was in a good place in my life But I was very myopic myopic means is is another word for selfish But it's it's selfish from a place of unawareness I'm gonna repeat that it's selfish from a place of unawareness. It's not intentional I didn't intentionally want to be selfish then after my divorce. Oh my god. I was a trainwreck I went into the tunnel for 10 plus years And even my last significant relationship. I was a mess It and quite frankly it wasn't until my mother passed away and then connor passing away That I really did a deep dive into my own work That got me onto a threshold where I feel like the ground beneath me feels solid So why am I sharing this with you because this is a significant percentage of the male and female population? Most people are a trainwreck on some level. I mean and the levels could be you know I always say everybody is fucked up. It's just a matter of degrees. They are either Gandhi and mother Teresa on one end of the spectrum or they're Jeffrey Dahmer and lizzy born on the other end of the spectrum And everybody else is in between just like this crap So this is why I'm a big proponent of loving on yourself and compassion for oneself Okay, let's see what else. Oh, they say love Or they say they love you because they're afraid of you leaving Yeah, well because insecure people need love someone else to love them for to feel good about themselves ladies You're a perfect example of this I don't know how many of you are afraid to speak your truth to a guy because you're afraid they're going to leave This is why you wonder why you're in you know Unhealthy relationships because you're making you're not speaking your own truth chapter Chapter one in my book. Where is it chapter one right here? Speak your truth do it with kindness Learning to speak your truth is your feelings. You have to learn to speak up speak your truth Just do it with kindness What does it mean to be? Overwhelmed emotionally. What does it well? What does it mean to be overwhelmed emotionally? I think you know, here's the thing about emotions Either they have a hold on you or you have a hold on them and what I mean is It takes a level of self-discipline to be aware that emotions are just like the tide in the ocean They come and they go they come and they go But what happens is when you allow negative emotions to come You're grabbing on to it. You're holding on to the negative emotion and it requires just letting go And you and I like the way Esther Hicks says it our thoughts create our feelings So you can shift your thoughts to create new feelings. I always start thinking of happy thoughts I go into gratitude. I go into appreciation Um, what was the thing I said earlier to a friend of mine today gratitude appreciation that will come to me Oh purpose You know purpose. Well, I did a video on this recently about purpose I'll come back to that but when you have a purpose in your life It surely creates a helps create a foundation in your life when you have a purpose A lot of people when they're younger their purpose is to be a parent But this is the challenge in midlife is there we're lacking purpose and without purpose We can be very can be very dysfunctional. That's why establish a strong purpose develop a daily um self-love practice and be in appreciation and help create a solid a better foundation for inner peace. Okay Um men that I've attracted have flirted with me first then back off be Be they feel overwhelmed? They don't consider they don't consider feelings like they appreciate and support I give and then act like I don't exist. Okay that again That is an experience you've had Again, I understand those are some experience you have that's not all men that just happens to be some men That's been the experience you've had most likely. It's because you've You've um, we've allowed you've allowed, but I'm saying a we have allowed Attraction as being the center of how a relationship happens. It's all it seems to this is where most human beings Hyper focused on chemistry and attraction without any awareness to shared values and a shared vision blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity when you're with someone who has shared values and vision A lifestyle that can blend with you and has emotional maturity. You don't have to worry about these things It's not going to be an issue So rather than focusing on attraction or chemistry focus on those other three things and you might have a greater chance for success It's my invitation for you. Anyway, I did this to him. I did this to him this time around because older mature know Know how to speak truth my feelings. I'm disciplined now and okay got it last question Why do men realize they have a good woman when it's too late? Okay? um Why do men realize they have a good woman when it's too late? I I'm not sure Okay, so here's the challenge in most relationships one of the fundamental facets that's missing in a lot of relationships is appreciation Now I did a video on this and i'm going to go into a little more detail on this right now But the four elements to a successful relationship is attention affection Appreciation and acceptance. I'm going to say this very slowly someone write this down for me attention affection appreciation And acceptance so attention simply means being present. Am I present to this other human being? That's in front of me my life partner my my boyfriend or girlfriend. Am I present to them? Or am I focused on the future or am I focused on the past? People are focused on the future focused on the past aren't present. They're not giving attention Okay Affection touching feeling giving each other compliments. Oh my god, you know the five love languages Uh words and touch and quality time attention is so I'm shocked. How many women call me wanting advice on a guy And the the guy broke up with them and i'm like Do you guys are you friends with one another and they go no and i'm like really? Then why are you lamenting over some guy where you didn't have a lot of affection towards one another? attention affection Um appreciation. Oh my god. Can I tell you ladies? Most of my male friends who have gone through divorce they said the one thing that they felt Was absolutely underappreciated in relationship. That's the vast majority of men say they feel underappreciated I can tell you that It's not the words. Thank you. It's the word grateful and appreciation And what's missing why somebody goes back after something You know why there's a breakup is because sometimes they might finally value or appreciate one another I want to encourage I want to make that I don't want someone to have to break up to feel appreciation This should be the daily vitamin in relationship and lastly is acceptance here Bottom line is we're going to meet people that aren't exactly aligned with one another You either accept them for who they are or at least work together or you move on I don't know how many of you women are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole Going oh, but you're not accepting him for being a square peg You keep trying to put him in a round hole I'm like no either accept him for who he is and he has to accept you for who you are Or there's going to be constant friction with one another All right Question we've been together for 10 months and neither he nor I are ready for him to be around my seven-year-old Dispute despite us knowing each other for four years prior should I be concerned? Wow 10 months and you guys haven't introduced each other. Are you guys having sex together christie? Answer me that are you having sex together? Are you spending regular time together if you're spending regular time and you haven't Well, ultimately if you want relationship to be successful, it's got to include Okay, so the answer is yes You spend regular time together. You have sex together if you want Relationship to be successful. You've got to introduce the family and friends. So this is important So have a conversation. This is where you got to use your words word use your mouth talk talk to one another I crack myself up sometimes. Yes. Use your words have conversations. This is your this is someone you're having sex with This is someone you're spending time with if you're not talking to one another You're going to be shoving things under the rug. So have a conversation about it Okay, how do you get started being it? How did I get started being a dating coach? I'm watching plenty of dating coaches because I'd love to become one. Okay Um, how did I become a dating coach? Thank you so much for asking. So you might find this interesting So after going through a devil after turning 40 and going through a divorce what seems like 100 years ago um, I started online dating and I thought it was simply you just plug something in and someone would magically appear But what happened was I got addicted to all my dating I got addicted to talking to women because I was such a fucking Train wreck after my divorce. Oh my god. I was doing drugs. I was drinking alcohol I was lose. I lost my money in the market. I was incredibly depressed and what a great way to Shoot myself up Was online dating But what was happening was I got addicted to just talking to women. I was talking to women I was talking to women two three four five six seven hours a night all over the country Sometimes I'd have five instant messages going at the same time on yahoo personals. Oh my god But what was happening is a lot of women would reach out to me that I developed friendships with and say Hey, Jonathan, will you help me improve my profile? So how I got started was simply helping women improve their profiles from the male perspective Telling them why their pictures look like shit and if they do this and do this And what would happen is I get phone calls back weeks weeks later going. Oh my god I met a great guy because of what the advice you gave me And then I began studying uh relationships. I I Amount I think I've amassed over 20,000 hours of coaching. I have over 3,000 hours of personal development work. I have a neuro linguistics programming certificate I'm currently getting my cognitive behavioral certificate Now I don't say this to impress you. I just want to impress upon you. I've done a lot of work How did I become a dating coach? I just put myself out there and it just happened Um Here's the thing There's a lot of dating coaches out there. There's a lot of people talk talk talk talk talk talk And a lot of them is it are they're talking out of the sides of their mouth My work actually is because I study human behavior So if you haven't done a significant amount of personal development work and actually study human behavior Quite frankly, there's no business being a coach out there because all you're doing is giving advice Based on the rules a lot of people give advice based on the rules based dating And that's very short lived if you follow my work and like my work. It's because I'm talking about human behavior I'm talking about psychology. Um, so maybe get a psycho psychology certificate might be a good place to start I would love your tips on improving our profiles on dating sites. Oh my god. Okay, angeli Master john, thank you. Their pictures look like shit exactly. So ladies, um, let me just give you an example Of a recent profile. This was a recent profile of a woman here. I'm sorry to put her name on there This was her first photo This was her first photo. This is the kind of shit. I see every day What does it what does a good profile look like here? Just give me a second Here's my photo Look at how crystal clear that is. Well, you can't really tell I'm bragging here for a moment every Photograph should be crystal clear. I took a here's a woman's picture that I just happened to But look at how crystal clear this photograph is this was one I really like this photograph because oh, you can't tell It's a little blurry, but it's crystal clear Um anyway, so start with crystal clear photographs no sunglasses No, you know, no fucking snapchat crap enough of those filters with snapchat That is just so ridiculous. No selfies. I mean come on. This is obvious. Do I even really have to answer this? John, it's normal. Hi, Jonathan It's normal for men over 50 to respond to all your messages and texts but never really initiate by the way your favorite You're my oh, thanks. Um, okay This is a great question. Why will men engage? On the dating sites and then not initiate a meeting Okay, I am guilty of this A lot So it's the pandemic. I'm bored. I'm by myself a lot. I want connection. So I've swiped Right and somebody else swipe right now. I look at her profile and I'm like, uh, it's it's it's I'm not overly It's a maybe it's a maybe And when someone's a maybe it's just nice sometimes to feel connection with another human being I'm guilty of this. I'm not proud of this. I'm guilty of this Here's the thing human beings are thirsty for connection. We're thirsty for connection But it's really hard unless you're feeling like a wow Like when I feel a wow because the woman's profile is fucking awesome and I'm feeling the wow I am absolutely all over it When their profile is mediocre, but I just want some attention and I'm just guilty of this and I'm just Giving you some examples of why men do this We don't initiate a date because we're not really because you're a maybe to us And maybe's you're just kind of killing time women do this as well I can't tell you how many women's profiles who are stellar that I put in effort and they ghost me They don't respond. They take forever. It's it's it's men and women alike. Okay Wow, this is really going great this live. Okay, you are crystal clear Uh, I'm having issues with what to write about myself on a dating site help. Uh, you know what? Here's the thing Go to match.com read other women's profiles I can tell you read the profiles Find the ones that you really like Go read some woman's profile find one and like and just you know, not plagiarize it but give you some Inspiration but most profiles are this block. They're like this Wa wa wa wa wa It's from charlie brown. It's literally you're saying a bunch of rhetoric find something spectacular. Oh go to Isirino isirino Dot com evan mark kats anyone know who evan mark kats is post his link right there to isirino He writes dating his company writes dating profiles. Evan's a personal You know social friend of mine So um go to isirino and check out to help create a profile for you I'm done with online. I've done online dating. Wait, I'm done with online dating 12 years I've been friends for one year. Wait, hi We've been friends for one year then a month ago. He said that he Is physically attracted to me and he wants to be friends with benefits. Should it be emotionally attract wait So why would a man want to be friends with benefits is because they like you they're attracted to you But it means they don't want a relationship with you. Hey, listen. I have had friends with benefits in my lifetime Now here's the thing. We both knew the score. Okay. We both know the score. So when someone knows the score Um, it's it's basically saying I like your company. I enjoy spending time with you I'd like to have sex with you, but I don't want to be in partnership with you. That's what that says In my humble opinion I know you're supposed to be a super positive when dating but any tips for when your life isn't really full because of pandemic Yeah, buy my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? Look at the back by the way, isn't that cute? Look at the pandemic is sucks man. It is fucking crazy out there. It's hard to date during a pandemic I mean, do you know when remember when the pandemic happened and you saw all these dating coaches going? Yay, we can start doing zoom dates and you can have your cut You can have your your your wine and share a date over zoom together Yeah, that's great for a couple times. But ultimately if you're not face to face You're just going to end up in a virtual relationship and that kind of sucks. So look at You got to fill your life with as many positive things as you can I just bought a uh paint by number set just something to do because I'm like going stir crazy so um do things that bring you joy call friends and um And just you know the more You can inject yourself with love. That's what matters most Okay, uh, it's cute. No kissing no kissing. No hugging. What is that? Sadly by the time you weed out the men who are just wanting physical relationship You are tired of the site. By the way, that's actually an interesting point she makes Okay Yeah, you know what sex is free It I mean, what's the expression? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? The reality is is with the advent of birth control and the and the reality is his marriage isn't needed to have sex Yes, we men get to get we get all the milk for free. It's great. Thank you ladies for giving us the milk for free And what's happened is burnout has happened You know, if you listen to my podcast the what would love do podcast I always say the number one emotional health issue is I'm not I don't feel good enough I feel unlovable and I feel unlikable And nothing triggers that more than habitual dating habitual dating habitual dating I was recently a woman told me that a dating coach told her to go out on one day to week Well in one year, that's 52 dates That's a lot of people to go through to have nothing happen This is why I teach you how to vet for emotionally available men So instead of going out on 52 dates, wouldn't you rather go out on five dates with three? Solid with five solid prospects and shoes from that. That's what I teach anyway Okay, uh read books take new hobbies virtual painting dance bubble. Oh perfect. Thanks, Andrea Uh join your local meet-up groups, you know, yeah, I'm leader groups Doreen, I pronounced I butchered your name, you know, I think meet-up groups are fine But you look at you can't join a meet-up group now in a pandemic Please say the name of the site for profile again e sereno e sereno Go to evan e-v-a-n mark m a r m a r c cats k a t s or k a t z and check them out Come on jen zoom is cool. I better do nothing What is the ultimate happiness of a man? What is the ultimate happiness in a man in relationship sacks? No, I'm just kidding Ultimately when I'm you know, it's interesting Men and women want really ultimately at the base level the same thing to feel safe with the other human being To feel safe to be vulnerable authentic and transparent. That's what men and women are craving The problem is we're all covered in armor of childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas That makes it very difficult because there's so many people are armored up men and women alike Trust issues abandonment issues and let's not get started on rejection men as they age fear rejection Significantly, this is why a lot of men, you know, aren't this chivalrous chivalrous and coming on. Oh, look at that Coming on strong, you know and take charge. I know it sounds all great in theory, but We're afraid. I'm afraid of rejection. This is why it's got to be a two-lane street This is why I'm a big proponent that I did a post today and said what's happening today is a stalemate One person isn't making effort one person isn't making effort and they're not coming to the middle It takes making a little bit of effort a little bit of effort a little bit of effort a little bit of effort A little bit of effort a little bit of effort to come to that two-lane street. Is this sinking in? I hope it is Okay Why do men say one thing about One thing but mean something else. He says he doesn't want a relationship but treats me like his girlfriend Well, it's because it's not that he doesn't want a relationship He isn't a relationship with you and he thinks of you as a girlfriend. What's missing is partnership He doesn't want partnership with you. This is buying we can get the milk for free because guess what? Relationships today are getting the milk for free Partnership means an invest partnership looks like this. It's an investment relationship is this you can break away easily I just came up with that. I'm really proud of that one Okay, spoke my truth after being disappointed again and now he says he's giving me a break. Should I let him Should I oh shoot? Sorry, let me go back here Um, should I let him go or not? Haven't heard from him in a week dating for 10 months. Both of us are in our 40s um so You know, it's I mean, I think it's good. Here's the thing Two people should be talking about your relationship should be something built It's kind of like building a house Okay, first you start with a foundation then you build walls then you build sides Then you build the roof and you have all these, you know all these trestles and things in there A relationship is something built Most of you are dating from a From a perspective of men or the leaders of the relationship and you give your job to the wrong person My mom right there. She was in charge of the relationship I'm here to say ladies. You are the emotional leaders of the relationship. You set the standard you set the rules You set the standard and you set the rules We men will follow if we like you a lot. We'll just follow the rules You establish the rules start talking about it before the penis ever goes inside the vagina Uh This is awesome What's your take on what's your take on dating men recently separated six months? Can he be ready to date? Okay um okay He's flying. Okay, so uh someone who's recently separated look after my divorce I'll never forget. I've been separated for about four five months and I one woman I wrote on match.com And she said how long you've been divorced. I said i'm not divorced. I've been separated for five months. She said Reach out to me in two years after you've had or 18 to 24 months after you've had one or two transition relationships Here's the thing A marriage is like this you have to unravel the tapestry And regain your sovereignty your individuality before you can re-engage with another If someone is still in this phase It makes it difficult for them to be in their individual state to be able to come back like this So you take your you you take your life in your hands every time you choose to date a separated man Now here's the thing if he's codependent You will be the first person he latches on to And chances are you have an 80 chance of failure in your relationship because 80 of second marriages fail or 75 percent Anyway, so it's because you're not building a relationship together This is why you've got to buy the book eight dates by dr. John Gottman This is the book to teach you how to build a relationship the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Wow, I I didn't believe this was going to go on this long. Okay I hope this is by the way, is this sinking in ladies? Is this resonating? Please post a comment Let me know leslie probably when he's moved on the distance will make him realize the distance will make him realize Distance doesn't make anyone realize anything this idea that men fall in love what they miss you Uh men fall in love when they appreciate you until you're appreciated by another human being There's no love whatsoever missing doesn't create love missing creates anxiety and a temporary fix Because a lot of people treat each other like property and not like human beings Uh Okay, okay. Oops Yes, amen. Thanks. You are awesome. Thank you so much. Yes, it's wonderful. Yes super interesting love this live Hey, this was a lot of fun. I um, this was my first time doing this. I screwed up Um, I can't believe how many people joined live how many people gave thumbs up. Hey, um Listen, if you had value in this and you need some love and support Check out my link to a free discovery called check out my group called midlife love mastery Where I shoot Question I shoot videos based on your specific questions My book what that where is my book? What the heck is self love anyway? Please check it out. And also, uh, I've got a podcast called the what would love do podcast Look, I'm gonna wrap up this this live my first one. It's been an hour. I had no idea how this was gonna turn out I am so grateful for all of you. I can't read it because I don't have my well, let me just say um faith uh carol, uh Angelique gene akima, uh, thank you deep diver. Uh, there's just so many people yaffi jenny girl Thank you so much. This has been so much fun. I've been truly honored to be able to share this with you I hope you did find value in this and again If you need any love and support reach out to me professionally Okay, I'm gonna wrap up this this live stream like I do my videos first. Oh, wait. Hold on one second Like I always do first off. I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic job the bear hug of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a friend or a pat or even a teddy bear And give it a hug of love You guys have been so wonderful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all for the love and support you've given me regarding connor You guys have been great guys gals friends ladies Um big hugs to you. I hope I'm making a difference in your life I want you to make a difference in your life and begin loving on yourself because that's going to bring you the most amount Of happiness in your life. Thanks so much and bye. Bye now