 How can we help children to make new friends and find their tribe? That's what we're going to be talking about in today's episode of Pukipondas, so let's dive straight in Making friends is something that we just expect kids to get on with and do but it's actually really really hard Especially for those of us who may be a little bit socially awkward or find it harder to read social situations and understand others' intentions and Interactions and so on this is something I found myself thinking about quite a lot in the last year or two because we Relocated as a family and I found myself in the situation of needing to make new friends and I found it's actually kind of terrifying and felt like Really hard work, but I also found that when I put the hard yards in then the wards were Absolutely totally worth it. What can we do as adults to help our children to make new friends? I'm going to go through a few ideas that you could pick and choose from and Actually, these are largely ideas that you could use as an adult too if you find yourself in a situation like me Looking for friends trying to make friends Finding it all a little bit hard So first of all, I think we need to start by actually defining what a friend is and this can be more or less Important depending on your child and their understanding of the world and their place in it But certainly we find with some of our children that they misinterpret what a friend is and what a good friend looks like And so having some of those discussions about what does it mean to be a friend? What should we be looking from from our friends? What's good? What's not what's toxic? What's positive and actually just thinking what do I want from a friend? What would be my hope from the kind of relationships that I'm looking to build here? And some of that's about making sure that we're not in any kind of vulnerable position or going to get abused or Being difficult harmful type friendships, but also some of it's about positively proactively thinking. What do I actually want? Do I want people that I can do things with do I want people I can talk with do I want people I can go deep with do I want people I will laugh with we all want and need different things from our friendships So actually defining what a friend is and what a good one might look like is I think a really important starting point the next thing to consider Sounds really tiny, but it's really big which is that I think in order to be in a position to make friends You've got first to be friends with yourself It's really difficult to put yourself out there and try to develop new positive relationships If you're in some kind of cycle of low self-esteem or self-hatred And I think if you're in that place where you're really down about yourself And you don't feel like a friend to yourself that doing a little bit of personal work first and trying to get out of that Hole trying to understand what actually is good about you What would make you a good friend and trying to be a little bit kinder to yourself and exercising some self-care and all that stuff It's big but actually in order to be able to enjoy friendship I think first you really do need to start to enjoy a bit of a friendship with yourself And even if you can just take some early steps there So less self-loathing and self-hatred would be a start then once those early steps taken then perhaps Learning to love yourself a bit more can be done alongside others And as you see how others feel about you and the ways they interact with you that can increase that sense of Self-liking self-loving one day you might aspire to but yeah I think in order to be able to be confident making friends Being friends or at least a little bit friendly with ourselves first is quite an important starting point next I think seeking out people who share your interests or values So if we think about what what friendship is and what binds us together in our tribes and communities It's usually something or other that we have in common and there might be a whole ton of stuff That's different about us, but there's usually something that brings us together Whether that's that we share an interest a passion a hobby Whatever it might be something that matters to both us and the person or people with whom we're making friends So as such we can use our existing hobbies passion interests as starting points and try and think about what doors might these open That might mean things like joining a club For the particular thing that we are interested in so that we can meet other like-minded people So just taking a step back and thinking what are the things that matter to me? What are the things I really care about what are the things? I really enjoy doing if I had a completely free afternoon How would I spend it then these are the things that we then think okay great So I'm massive on the Lego. Where do I meet other people who are also massive on the Lego for example So maybe you get to that point where you thought okay, I'm friends with myself. I Know that if I go to this place at this time There are going to be other people who like the same things as me Then we've got that bit where we've got like actually initiate social interactions Which again for some people comes really naturally for some of us It's a lot harder and actually thinking about this ahead I find can help quite a lot and I think for any Of you who are neurodivergent or supporting a neurodivergent child a little bit of forward planning here can really help Particularly if you're a neurotypical parent supporting a neurodivergent child Don't underestimate how intimidating it can be when everyone else just seems to know how to start Conversations and maintain them and for them to all happen naturally and normally and happily When that doesn't happen naturally for you It's much easier just to step back from the whole thing because it's terrifying and so yeah Don't underestimate this and and invest a little bit of time here Just thinking about how can we initiate and maintain positive social interactions? One thing we've got to acknowledge here is that friendship making is proactive And it's not going to just happen just by being in the situation. So I've identified that. I don't know I absolutely love Rubik's cubing. This is true right now Lyra's been teaching me to Rubik's cube Just as a little aside. She crushed my soul this week I got my time down to under two minutes and 30 seconds without help and I was proud I was really proud until the moment that Lyra then showed me a video of the world record Champion Rubik's Cuba solving a Rubik's cube in three and a half seconds Anyway, I digress my soul is crushed But say you love Rubik's cubing and you've identified there's a Rubik's cube club at my school And as a kid you've gone along to this club and you've got loads of other people there who also love Rubik's cubes And are thinking in algorithms just like you just being in the same room with them isn't enough We've got to initiate an interaction if we're going to develop a friendship So how do we do that? It can be helpful beforehand to think about what questions that you might ask someone or something that you might ask for help with I find asking for help to be a really brilliant way in because people are naturally Really helpful and if you're in a situation where you're doing a thing together You're together with a shared interest and you're able to ask someone for help with that interest and they're interested in it, too They are really likely to want to show you to help you to support you because they love this thing, too This is something I've made really big use of at the climbing wall So many of you know that I love to climb so I do lots of bouldering which is Climbing at lower levels so without ropes and just falling on to mats It's really really good fun now one of the interesting things about bouldering is that it can be quite tricky to work out What you're meant to do so as you climb at a slightly harder level Then our problems and we do call them problems because each one is a problem to be solved Then it's not just about being strong or good It's also about solving the puzzle of how did the person who set this route expect me to get from the floor to the Top and what are the different ways of doing this if I'm struggling with this? I will very often go up to a climber who is Someone I've observed climbing and looks good and who I think I could learn from I think they're better than me Basically and say hey any chance you could give me a hand on how to start this climb or how to do this bit in The middle there any ideas you can help me with and Always they are super super keen to help and if they don't know an answer often They'll come and we'll problem solve it together friendship initiated bingo This has been a real revelation for me actually personally because I spent a lot of time going to my new Climbing wall and climbing on my own and really being sad that I didn't have the sense of community I had in my own wall until my husband said to me one day you will not get community unless you create it So now it's about Initiating those interactions and suddenly now I walk into the wall and there are nearly always people there who I am Now friendly with and it feels really different. So being brave Asking a question asking for help. So if you're supporting a child you might think about what questions could they ask when they went to this club or This meet or whatever it is where they're going to see other people who've got similar interest just being in the same room Just isn't enough. So think about those questions and maybe Practice them you can do this through like role play back and forth and it might feel a bit weird But it is really helpful to practice these kind of questions with younger children You can do it through like actual play getting the figures out and I'm thinking about it that way But but just thinking ahead just just wondering what kind of questions could you ask? Wondering what kinds of questions other kids might ask them and how they might be able to respond as well Just just thinking through the other thing about this is it can really reduce the anxiety of these situations because we Planned for some of the things that might happen and it feels a little bit less uncertain a little bit more in control So it has other added benefits to if you're in a situation where you want to start Conversation and begin an interaction, but it's not where there's an obvious shared interest So, you know, you're at the Rubik's Cube Club You can be pretty confident that if you go up to someone and ask them for help with the Rubik's Cube or start a Conversation about cubing that they're going to be interest and they probably got this shared interest too And they're desperate for other people who want to hear about it as much as they want to talk about it And it's like a pretty super great way to get stuff going but in like slightly more Benign type situations where there might not be the obvious shared interest Perhaps you just landed in your new tutor group for the year And you don't know anyone or something like that and and you don't know what people's interests and hobbies and all that kind Of thing are and whether they share your passions and your interests Then we can think about what kind of questions that we can ask in those situations And my top tip here when we're thinking ahead about this is to think about what questions that you can ask That you are genuinely interested in the answer to Because otherwise you could start a conversation that doesn't interest or engage you and and also if you ask a question That's kind of open enough that a general lay person could engage and they understand what you're talking about So don't get too deep too soon But which will help you see if there is a spark of shared interest can be really helpful So for example if you were an avid gamer Then you wouldn't go straight in with some like really complex question about your favorite move on level 654 of game x you can tell I'm not the avid gamer here But you wouldn't go straight in with that instead you might open a more general conversation with someone saying hey Do you like to game? What do you use and what's your favorite type of game and you might start more generally that? instead Equally with reading or any other hobby perhaps you really like animals you might just say say to someone Do you like animals? Do you do you have a pet? And and start there and then work out whether we can go deeper here So it's about starting it broad but broad on a topic that you're actually interested in So if there is a spark and there is some shared interest there, then you've got a conversation You actually want to be part of we can sometimes fall into the trap of Asking questions that we've either heard other people ask or we've seen get good responses before But that we actually don't care about and then you can end up having a conversation But you don't end up having a conversation You're actually invested and interested in and some people are great at having those kinds of conversations But some people like me are not I think that's near a divergent thing I think that's the whole like small talk being tricky thing Just can't talk about things not interested in find it really hard We'll literally walk away sometimes and look really rude which is hard So yeah, try to start conversations that you're interested in having my next tip here Kind of verges on encouraging masking so we need to be like a little bit careful about this However, one of the things I found really helpful is to have like a friend making Inspose so think about somebody who inspires you when it comes to friend making like what kind of friend You might aspire to be like and this could be someone, you know in real life It could be someone from like a TV show or a game or a movie or a book Or anything where there's a character where you go. They are a fantastic friend I would love to be a friend like them maybe and aspire to some of their traits and characteristics now Why this is helpful is because if you find yourself in the situation where you kind of want to start an interaction Want to kind of embark on a friendship not quite sure what to do next It can be really helpful to kind of like step into the shoes of that character or just wonder What would they do next what would they say next what would they be thinking? What would they be doing in what way would they behave and I'm not suggesting that we should completely adopt the characteristics of someone else at expense of being ourselves, but rather use that character as Inspiration for what we could think about doing next in our own way So it's sort of is to say it sort of verges on the masking And we need to be careful not to just kind of try and adopt these whole other characters and have to expend loads of emotional energy Maintaining them, but when we find ourselves at a stumbling block and we're not sure what to do next just wondering What would my sister who's way more outgoing than me? What would she do in this situation or what would that character that I just read in in a book? I just read that I really like what would they do now? What would they say just using it as a prompt rather than as like a massive crutch I suppose is where I'm going and I think I think I just want to touch on at this point is like When we are like holding back when we want to have a conversation with someone perhaps we've observed them a few times We've noticed them around and we kind of feel like we could be friends, but we're shy We're anxious. We're uncertain how to initiate this friendship What can happen sometimes and this has happened to me quite a few times is that when you finally get brave enough or something Breaks the ice something happens so that that interaction finally happens And and as that friendship then does begin to blossom that you discover that they've been kind of feeling the same way And you've both been like standing on the sidelines Thinking hey, I'd really like to be friends with that person but both kind of too shy or awkward or unsure or something to actually take the steps to make that friendship and What I find myself feeling in those situations is a fantastic But be what a shame that I wasn't brave a little bit sooner because I kind of lost a bit of time in this friendship And of course, it's never helpful looking back We should enjoy the now But I try now to use this to inspire me when making new friends and trying to be that little bit braver When I think I might have a bit of spark with someone actually just Going for it the worst thing that can happen when we do this When we put ourselves out there and we start an interaction is that it fizzles and it doesn't really happen for us But the best that can happen is we end up with a new friend. So It is worth being brave. I'm learning this over time. I say that I'm like convincing myself to it's it's really hard It is really hard But having friends that you like and who share your interests is just amazing one thing It is worth touching on though as we start to develop these friendships is the importance of being interested in our friends as well So this is important particularly if we have initiated a friendship because of a shared interest And this might be an interest that we hold very very deeply and like to talk about a lot for example And but we need to remember that friendship is two-way thing and that we should Enjoy learning from and hearing from our friend and as much as they might enjoy learning from and hearing from us as well So we need to just think a little bit about that and and again This is something we often work on with our neurodivergent Children in particular thinking about their roles of turn-taking and how we can get most from our friendships and relationships by Making sure that different people are involved and we're not like overly dominating The nice thing if you make friends who are like-minded is that actually sometimes they're going to be really interested to hear what you have To say and they will be happy for you to go deep if they're interested in the same topic Which is brilliant, but we just need to be like a little bit aware of making sure that we're not completely dominating that the other person Is still with us and still interested and that we get the chance to hear from and learn from them We can learn so much and enjoy so much by hearing what other people have to say if we are tuned into topics That we're both interested in so just making sure we don't miss out on that part of friendship I think is really important But also what we find is that other people love to feel heard just like we do and so if we can think about How to weave that into our friendship making like learning to love to hear from other people too Then that feels really really good for the other person and that can really strengthen that friendship as well And then just going a little bit more into like that maintaining of the friendships bit I think particularly for our neurodivergent children or adults It's very important that we're kind of open and honest and kind in our friendships kind of both to others and to ourselves as well and this does mean kind of Thinking about if we need space or time actually trying to cultivate a friendship where we can ask for it Sometimes it's hard for us to be as involved with our friends as they might sometimes be with each other So for example, I've made lots of friends recently Paragliding and and I have this wonderful community of people who I love to go flying with which is just amazing and Sometimes those friends will meet up outside of paragliding and and go for barbecue on the beach was one that recently happened And that was something where I said actually I can't do that. That's a bit too hard for me It's not that I don't want to hang out with you guys And I really love our chats on the hill But all those people in a pure social situation Isn't something I feel that I can do and being able to be honest about that and say I do care Send me the pictures. Let me know the chat that's going on But I don't think I can be there I just need a bit more space than that was really important for me and those friendships and so beginning to understand How much space we need when sometimes we might need to step away to Regulate have a bit of time to ourselves and to be able to do this in a way that isn't going to upset or offend our new friends Because we've been open and honest from the start can make a big difference to how likely we are to be able to maintain that friendship over time Being able to tell our friends what we do and we don't like and being able to hear that from them as well This should be a two-way thing where we're trying to support each other in this friendship Trying to make sure that it works for all the parties involved another thing just to think about here a little bit carefully is Just stopping to think sometimes about how our message will be received by other people So that when we are honest, which is important that we're not going to upset people with our honesty So just and it can be helpful to have someone that you can check in with about this If you're not sure about a conversation that you might be going to have with a friend So parent care or other trusted adult for a child can be really helpful when they might be saying I feel like you need a little bit more space in this friendship I really like my friend But I want to ask them if I cannot hang out with them at the weekend because I need a little bit of time to myself Is it going to sound okay if I phrase it like this? What are different ways that I might be able to explain this to them without upsetting them? For example and being able to explore that and just thinking how is what I'm saying going to be heard By my friend just so that we don't end up with this kind of misunderstandings because these things can escalate really quickly And again We find this often particularly in our neuro divergent kids Particularly if we have a friendship between a neuro divergent kid and a neuro typical kid It can just get lost in translation Sometimes we neuro divergent community can be really really blunt plain honest in our discussions in the things that we say that works for some of us and particularly when we're neuro divergent to neuro divergent That can work really brilliantly neuro divergent to neurotypical when the neurotypical person is tuned into all the nuances of how people say things And they don't quite say what they really mean and all the social niceties that we don't necessarily all get then sometimes what we say Lands really badly. So just exploring that being curious about it Trying to test out the things that we might say if it's something a bit more difficult Can try to avoid these situations Also can be helpful to visit with a child that you're supporting If things have gone a little bit wrong in their friendship for a moment and a friend has got upset Actually revisiting that conversation with them and we're not trying to blame. We're not trying to shame. We're just trying to understand Why did my friend get upset? What did I say or do or what happened here that meant that they've become upset? Is it, you know, what what were they thinking? What were they feeling? How was this situation perceived by them and it's not about saying anyone was right or wrong It's about being curious and trying to prevent this kind of situation arising again because none of us want to fall out And and have that friendship kind of not there when we might need it next tip for like maintaining friendships Is we've actually got to invest time and energy into friendships So friendships are like flowers. How lovely friendships are like flowers And if you care for them, then they're going to thrive and they're going to bloom But if you neglect them, then they're just going to shrivel and die. So just like flowers So this means we've got to invest a little bit of time and probably a little bit of trust as well If we neglect that new friendship Even if it started really well and we work really hard on those early interactions But if we don't invest a bit of time and emotional energy and a bit of trust and a little bit of ourselves into it That friendship is not going to bloom So we've got to invest that little bit of time and a little bit of energy But how we spend that time is up to us So the kind of final thought here really is that we need to do what works for us in our friendships And not just do what everyone else is doing This is particularly important to look at with kids who are still at school Who might look at how peers maintain relationships and think they have to do friendship in that way But actually if they've made a friend who gets them is on the same wavelength And they want to hold their friendship in a totally different way They might have their kooky funky little ways of doing things It doesn't matter if that's not the way that everyone else is friends If it's what works for them, then that's awesome I was just in touch the other day with one of my childhood friends Lauren who I was really really really good buddies with when I was about the same age that my children are now So my kids are going into year nine Lauren and I were really really great friends around that age So we were like 13 14 maybe at the time I'm thinking about And we used to spend our time like getting lost in the countryside Climbing trees running away from cows all sorts of like really innocent country type fun And we had an absolute blast and it wasn't cool. It wasn't what other people were doing It wasn't like if we were following what other people were doing We'd have probably been sat at home like learning about makeup and talking about boys But we didn't want to do that. We wanted to climb trees with tennis rackets in our hands whilst fending off cows A particular memory whatever it was fun. We had a lot of fun We still laugh about it now. And and so Yeah, do friendship in the way that works for you and your friend If you can regardless of what other people are doing friendship is about what works for you Not about what works for everybody else. I mean you collectively you and your friend And when you do that You're going to build a much stronger friendship with the friend that you have because it's not superficial You're not just copying everyone else. You're doing you plural And it will mean it's going to be stronger You're going to have a lot more fun as well because you're going to do things in a way that works for you And then very finely if you have managed to make and maintain a friendship with a person And it often starts with one person and that's fantastic and one is great More can be even better sometimes and particularly because then if there's any challenge somebody moves away They are absent for a while. There is sickness or there's a falling out or something It can be kind of helpful to have some other people in the mix and sometimes additional people add extra joy and fun as well So once you've got that initial friendship and it seems to be going well Just being open to actually building out that tribe with other people who get you collectively And who enjoy friendship in the way that you do and who do share those interests those passions those values as well Someone else who there's a bit of a spark with you don't need like hundreds of people In your tribe, but having a few can feel really really great So that's something that we might think about As things begin to develop over time and also just remember that kid that you're thinking about including Who might be sat on the outskirts and might not have other friends right now That might be where you were a few months ago before you made this good relationship And so inviting them in might be hugely hugely brilliant for them as well as fantastic for you So in summary having friends is really great But making them can feel really hard for some of us Being brave enough to take the first step is the hard bit and hopefully there are some ideas in here that will have Enabled you yourself or you supporting a child or young person in your care to Take some of those first steps so that we can embark on this wonderful magical thing called friendship Which is totally brilliant when we can get it right I hope that you liked what you heard today. If you did, please can you like and subscribe and share my work You can support me further as well by joining me over on patreon where you get early access to everything that I create And you also get much more of a say in Inspiring what I create next and other ways you can support me are inviting me to Work with you by speaking at your next event or training you in your setting or delivering a webinar to your network Love working with all of you and thank you so much for your ongoing support So many of you however you're supporting Thank you for listening and for everything that you are doing for the children and young people in your care Happy friend making until next time over