 Let's direct the discussion. If you ask, may I talk the chime or the angry altar? OK, OK, I'll ask. Then you can start the big conversation. It's not possible the normal whole, but their mind. It's not possible for obsession of mind. It's not possible for psychotic hallucination. But you can talk with this mind. And other things, if some patient having a lot of meditation, but nothing happens, please consider the idea. Because medication, no help. I'm using medication. I'm saying, but usually for comorbidity or some PTSD symptoms, not the cure, the idea. It's a real photograph. The ID patient came to me and said, OK, I used all of this medication, but nothing changed. Look at the, maybe you don't know the name of this. Four of them are psychotic. Five of them are antidepressant. Or anticonversant. All of the medication, all type of medication they used, but nothing happened. And also, this is also a real photograph. The ID patient went to Hoja and explained as a gene. There is a gene, gene is inside. OK, I don't, you know, explanation that becomes, you know, in Turkey, I'm saying the practice in Turkey, some Hoja used to say, schizophrenia patient, you know, it's like a gene issue. But now they're learned. Psychiatrist is even not treated to schizophrenia. They say, OK, this is for the doctors. Please go to the doctors. I can't make a do-up, but it's like that. But the ID patient is a very good there approach. Because people don't look like a psychotic, but there is a talking voice inside. And the talking also the Hoja. That means there is a gene inside, and I'm talking with the gene. And I say, OK, I'm talking the gene every day. Because all of the patients, one of their alter, they say, I'm a gene. I'm Satan. OK, welcome to Satan. When you happened, when you first time you came to this month, it was like eight years old, he went to Hoja or, OK. Hoja is an alim, some people told me. Actually, this kind of Hoja is not a normal alim. It's like we know the gene of Hoja, be a gene. Raqi, Raqi. OK. It's not good people, most of them. Amen, amen. It's not the, normally they say, OK, I can't say something where you give a dua for you, but it's not the torturing. You please go to a doctor or a psychologist, most of them do that. But this is the making money, this kind of person. It's like a business, it's a big business, you know. Some people taking more money than doctors in one session. And also second was a description of amnesia, it's like coming from my file. Having no recollection of when I was 7 to 10 years old, I was going to take one pill and the rest is this stuff. It took 70 pills in reality. It's not the drug effect, you know. One person has to start to take and control the other altar and take an other altar or old drug. Inability to recognize friends. Having no recollection of amount of time that has passed when they bring it. Having no recollection of six hours on trip to China. Waking up the unknown sides. Lapses in memory regarding the person's life story. Inability to remember moment of sexual abuse. Finding notes in an unfamiliar style of writing. You know, Islam, amnesia example. Also, day-grooming is very common in the IDP action. Very, very common. Longing at one side in a minute, four hours. Losing one side in a world of imagination. They create an amnesia in the world. I will say something. They have a, you know, if you're patient, say day-grooming about, panic the day-grooming. But it's very deep. Long hours. Please consider asking the ID question. Talking to one side in the mirror. And the other important is that changing effect. Speedy changes and facial expression. I become, you know, of say specialist. And sometimes now I'm at the session. I'm looking at their face. If sudden, speedy changes. If there is a speedy changes. For example, you know, the one lady, there was a lady. She was a chemistry, a zanger. Yeah, chemist. She's a small, tiny woman, you know. And one day he look at me, you know, a change, you know, some, become, you know, alter personality. She look at me, like I, you know, angry glance. I become, like I, you know, have to say it. Chitra, you know, a good man, you know. I became afraid, you know. Because she look like it, she's eyes are glanced so angry. If you see any angry glance, very deep, very directly, you know, if they happen unexpected times, please consider the idea. Some of the patients coming from the under control, under problem, they say, I'm becoming like a, you know, green man, you know, in the movie, you know, hulk. They say, there is some hulk in my body. If you became control the body, I became a different man. Please consider the idea. It's not the, you know, only, you know, the story telling. It keep me angry. And all, you know, the patient started like a childish crisis or changes have, you know, become a very happy, you know, unexpected being. Suddenly, please, this is that, you know, affect this regulation, affect changes, please consider the idea. Because, you know, the one altered, taking control the another altered. Explanation is very simple. And another problem for, you know, focusing. Why is focusing is a problem? Because, you know, attention, I should say attention. Some of the patient taking attention deficit disorder diagnosis. Why? It's a very simple, you know, if you have a multiple identity, multiple altered, one control in time limits, then other controls another time limits. Other takes control, another time limits. That means your memory changing, always. And if you are trying to study, but you have an voicing in your mind, how can you study? You know, the unexplained psychiatrist giving medication for this person is, you know, ADHD medication. OK, it helps. But not that, you know, if you give a medication, you know, authentically, the ADHD patient, it's like a miracle. It's helped a lot. But it's a little bit helped, like, you know, 10% or 15%. But if you treat the idea, their academic performance enormously increasing. I will show, if I come in time, I have a video. This lady came when she was a high school student. Yeah, her grade wasn't good enough. Even until the, you know, treatment completed, she hasn't got any, you know, success. But after that, she became, you know, the very successful student at school. If you treat their, if they might become integrated, their academic performance is enormously increasing. Please consider, you know, there is a speck. If you look at the severe or the rare disabled, United States of America, you know, the United States of Do you know this movie or it's, I think, one of the best because, you know, one of the leading specialists worked this move for this movie. Claft, Richard Claft. He was an advisor of this film because of this reason. It's, if you want to understand the idea, please watch this TV series, I think, United States of Turkey. What is the, you know, the serious case? Most of the case is mine and the very mild. Okay, this is my classification. And the number of alters, extend, has, has in your joints, has at how level is different at each other, degree of amnesia, type of trauma, number of trauma present. And the extent the idea has impact daily life. If you use six criteria, you know, now you look at the number of the alters, very mild, two or three. But in very serious, more than 15. Actually, there are two time. One of them is a, you know, very, you know, alternate numbers more than 100, maybe. Is that, as we say, it's a chok par chalo, I have to say, it's a malter. Malt splitting. Malt splitting. But most of the case is between 10 to 25. And then, you know, only, if you do very mild, only that form of the inner voice. Some cases has only inner voices. Say, it's okay, I have inner voices, they're talking with me. It's not the harmful me. It's very simple cases. But, you know, the mild, alters of emotional state of certain ages and part of control of body. If you look at very severe, individuals alter and ability to take full body control. Degree of amnesia, daydreaming, pairs of full amnesia. Look at the, you know, very severe. Type of trauma. And if there are more trauma, that means more complicated. Tools for screening diagnosis, I think all of them coming from the United States. Maybe last one from the coming to Medellin. Thus, you can have, you can find. Do you have an experience, do you have any work with the ID patient? Anyone? Okay. You can find the dissociative experience scale easily. In the internet, you know. We have a, you know, translated in Turkish. The Colin Rose, he is a very good specialist. He's originally from Canada. Come now working in Texas. He is very good at this. You know, I'm considered three person. One of them is a Pahtun. One of them is a, you know, Colin Rose. And another one is a, you know, advisor of the United States Tara. Richard Gluft. This three person is a leading authority about the DID. Okay. How can we treat? How many minutes I have? 30 minutes. 40? 30. 30 is enough. 34. And then 15, 45 in total. 30 for talk, 15 for question. Okay, that's maybe we don't have time for video. Okay. No problem. There are three phases of treatment. Clarifying the diagnosis of the altered system, working on traumatic memory, and the integration of identity. Three different phases. You know, original state of the mind, it's a, we wrote it, is that the society state of the mind. You know, mind purity and integration, integrated state of mind, you know. And then time required to treating the idea, is blown, you know, it's up to very mild cases. Five section, mind may be time section. I become very fast. I used to very slow. Now I'm very fast. Usually people takes the ideations, takes more than two years, three, one years. If you look at all the severe cases, yes, it's true. But for the most cases, is that mind or modern, 10 or 20 sessions is enough. I can, my psychologist doing our everyday, you know, it's 20 is all right. But if it's severe or more severe, no. If you know, if there is a checks your reviews, it's not easy. It's not easy. It takes more, more, more time. Especially, you know, the ancestor, is I'm correct, pronunciation. If there is an ancestor, oh, it says so difficult. It's not easy. It's not easy. Because, you know, splitting mind very, you know, fiercely, you know. I'm not afflating the ideation, but I'm afflating the ideation with ancestors. Because sometimes, you know, you need a hospitalization of, you know, it takes several years. It's not easy, in fact. The ideatrendment is working directly with altar. Many things, you know, please take consider the altar personality directly. Not the, you know, the Irving Yalom is famous. He was famous. I think you see living, that's it. Irving Yalom is very famous in Turkey. You don't know him, he's American, okay. He has a, you know, book. Therapy, he's telling the therapy story. You know, in his book, he's seeing some altar personality. I'm saying to the patient, the, actually, you know, the saying, don't see, don't consider to him. Because if you consider to this altar, it can be grown. 100% wrong. You have to work directly, you know, altar personality. If you see any altar personality, oh, welcome. May I see, may I talk with you? Even per-secretary altar. No, there isn't actually no per-secretary altar. You can't say, if I control, I can harm you. Why? You are, you know, I'm a psychiatrist, so why not the problem? Never anybody hurt me, you know, it's not the right. If you understand, actually, you know, the altar, all altar, coming for the copying, as a copying mechanism. If you think all altar is a different copying mechanism, not that they're afraid, you know, there's only one person in there. And then you should know all altar and you should know the altar system. Okay, this is very important. You should have a map, all the system, all the system. Look at the altar type. Host personality is not the real person. It also is an altar. Host personality means, you know, keeping most of the time of the body in control. It's usually impressive. And per-secretary, actually, he was a helper, but turned to a per-secretary. Child, almost there. Helper, opposite sex. Look at, you know, my books. One of them is a map. It's a drawing for me, that some artist is not copying. Copy altars of people. Maybe, you know, copy, be invented this term. Copy altars means, you know, one day, my clients stopped to come to me, their education. Then, one day, she came. I said, where were you? She said, okay, there are also one of you in my mind, and he's cheaper than you. And he's always with me. Why am I coming to you? Because she made a altar, copy altars for me. There is a Medai in my mind. When I see any copy altars, I'm directly to try the out-of-the-mind. Because he's becoming like a, behaving like me. It's dangerous. You know, if she had any affection to me, even a copy altar in their mind behaves, and the patient don't differentiate. Sometimes they think, oh, doctors do it. It can be good or bad. Copy is very dangerous things, you know. They are copying every important people their life. Sometimes they abuse her, sometimes they airport her. They are talking with all the copy altars. And they also, you know, amaze emotional states. Like, some altar has a name, different name. But some altar has only angry, sad, harsh, or, you know, sad Aisha, you know, young Aisha. It's like, you know, sometimes there is one executive identity. It's a boss. And sometimes there is one executive identity. It's a boss. Always a boss understates wait until the, you know, the loss of the therapy. And one of them became control the body and say, I said, where were you? You know, I was visiting you. I was monitoring you. And she asked me, where were you? I'm managing the system last 15 years. You came only, you know, one years. Why asking the question? I was a boss. And you can, you can change the system. Did you ask me? She said, you know, the boss. Actually is that also a copy mechanism. Organizing other altars. It's also serving. Also, you know, some altars becoming like a decot of life. Like a religious artist. Or loves one that or who hate it. Another one hate the best. Actually normal bad Aisha like this in my file. Cannot stop injustice. Gets angry easily. If people do not respect my opinions, I flip out. Is being, she's wearing black boots, boats, leather jacket, glasses. I'm asking always to alter. What was, what's your meaning? For example, jacket. He says, I'm my, you know, blue and say, I'm, I have a white. In imagination, they own their, you know, Clothing style, hairstyle, Gender, or old, you know, different old. Sometimes, you know, smaller than or younger than or older than. You, you should take all of the. It's an original photograph also. Some one of the other control the body, but he wouldn't talk. He couldn't talk. I give a pen. Please, can you write it? And we start the conversation with writing. You know, I'm asking some question and he is writing. He said, original photograph. And some altars, you know, Have quality to contradict one other, for example, One of them is going or not going to work. Is that like a voting Joe want to go. Hard to know. Sleeping or not sleeping. Joe wants to wake up early. Hard to want to sleep. And this guy wants to marry it. But other alters don't want to marry it. Because he has had some trauma. And also is that, you know, We have this kind of paper, you know, Every different alter should see in one page. You know, because if other person comes to you, You should know specialty of the alter. You have to write. Or you all might, the ID patient file look like this. 100 pages or more than. Because you have to write it. If you say wrong name, Say, no, I'm not Ahmed. I'm Ahmed. Why are you saying it to me? You are not sleeping what today? And also, you know, integrated. Look at the different times, you know, One of them is the angelic Amy integrated. It was different time hearing integrated. It's a different time. And sometimes alter. Attitude towards that person can be changed. Look at it. There are six different alter. One of them sleepy. You know, for example, sleepy alter control the body. They can sleep more than 16 hours. If you see this kind of things, Because consider the idea. It can also, you know, sleep. I know that. But sometimes, you know, Normally there's not this kind of things, But sometimes she or she sleeping more than 16 hours. Please consider the idea as a sleepy alter. And, you know, mainly like Amy, Amy with child Amy, Amy with multiple sclerosis. This lady has multiple sclerosis. Angry Amy. She was at some relationship with some guy and she made some wrong texts. One of them, you know, sleepy, Because I think she had a lot of it with her. Wanted to lean and had a shoulder and sleep. And everyone wanted to slap him across the face. You know, make like Amy. If you find he didn't, because he's like a, you know, bodyguard. You know, thinking you are a child and you need protection. If you say, if I became a male, I was most stronger. Then they create a male alter. But problem, Main alter then, you know, changes during the time. They say, okay, I'm a man, I will marry with her. And, you know, in real life time, She will try to marry, But the alter, don't give up permission. You are from me. You cannot marry another man. It looks like a psychotic. But if you talk to this alter personality, Say, okay, you are not real man, you know. One person, I developed some of the tests. We say it's a pen test. It's very easy, you know. If your patient is a woman and has a man alter, I say, okay, this is the man's head. I'm putting this pen to here. Please take the pen and put here with the main head. And there's some patient. Please, look at this, this is a lady man's head. Please take with your male male head. Do you understand me? Interesting. Then I said, oh, I don't have a different body. Until now, they think they have a real body. Interesting. If you show that, there is only one body. Only a person is very important, the turning point of the treatment. And you should not only alter, or you have to alter the system. Look at the mapping. It's a real photograph. I only changed the name. It's one of the mapping. It's a very multiplied person. But it's a mapping system. A big system. And the amazing things happening in their mind are like an artificial intelligence happening. The machine intelligence, artificial intelligence. One day, the robot will have an artificial intelligence and control the robot. But it's happening in their mind. Because every alter is a real mind. They can think, they can speak, they can own identity. That means, you know, times change. They have ability to learn other things. And change becomes a different person. And they have a system. It's a regret for us. I don't understand. Our patients have a deep, you know, they have an enormous world in their mind. But we don't know. If you study this patient, every time you can become amazing. Oh, he's an ordinary man, ordinary woman. But he's got a mind to like, you know, at least in the Wonderland. Amazing. You know, after the science fiction novel or the movie, he must be an ordinary high school student. You know, city in their mind, sometimes they have different languages in their mind. They dream all day. And they are establishing a new world in their mind. If you don't ask, you don't know what's happening in their mind. Look at this lady, she has sexual abuse. Look at the sexual abuser in a copy alter inside her mind. When she came here, you know, still it has passed maybe six years, but still having, you know, abuse in their mind. Because she has got an abuser copy alter. And doing it regularly, you know, and the child alter, or the disalter, they didn't know time passed. When you discovered her, she still thinks, you know, happy again and again, this today also. You know, if you say, oh, this happened six years ago. It's happening now, because I'm feeling. Look at this, keep it in my hand. No, no, no. Look at my office. Look at the date. Today, look at this. I'm showing the calendar. Look at it. What do you think? Which time we are? I say, look at it, please. I'm giving time to time, a lot of time to orientate it to this time. It's happened at its worst. Now, the man in your mind is not real. Your mind, you know, like a drone. It's a biological drone, you know. It's enormous, you know, I think. Like, you know, how to say, if you machine, you know, we are meeting here, and the president talking with the other city is, you know, identity showing, or what was the names in English? Holographic? Yes. Hologram? Hologram. They might produce a hologram, learning hologram, like a copy on the hologram belief under the real man. And the other type of, believe this is the real man. You should change this, you know. It's not real. Your mind made up everything, very practical guide book, because I, you know, coming behind the patient, other side of the country, it's a community problem. Health is a public health concern. I'm Muslim, you know. I said, like, as yet, they're not the good person for the portion of people. You know, I have a responsibility. I should learn, teach to, you know, psychologists. Most of them are my, you know, students' psychologists, because no medication and psychiatrists haven't got enough time. Psychologists is a perfect for the trick behind them. And the other psychiatrist is getting angry to me. Why are you? So psychologists, you know, become powerful. I said, okay, I'm a responsible man. You know, people have a, you know, problem, they are living these, you know, they have to, you know, if you want to learn, okay, I can teach you also. But you haven't got the time. You have to write a prescription. And then what happened, you know, that, you know, all of them, after some time, you know, look at this, first, maybe three months before, period of, you know, and then I, you know, I sent two men from the mind and I say, okay, sexual abuse were also sent a bit. This is the technical side. And look at the, you know, the two girls, I build a safety house in their mind and the girl who is carrying abused memory, I put it under the safety house. Still we are working. It's a problem. A host personality is very powerful and they don't, she don't want to accept this lady because she wants to think they have a sexual abuse, not me. But I say, last session, you are looking like a, you know, you are behaving like a, you know, you're controlling, how to say? Neighbors daughter. No, they are yours part. They are your story, you know, you have to accept that. Without accepting that, you know, you cannot heal. I would say more complicated because of language. Please consider this. There is only one body. There is only one people. But a lot of identity. This is the round table meeting technique. If you say this person, let's make a meeting. And then it used to making square. You know, then I realize, oh, it's like a hierarchy. It should be round. Then make a, you know, some desk. Sit on it. They can sit. And they can start the talk. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Peace be upon you. Peace be upon you, too. Okay. As you know, this is my book. We can translate this title as seven qualities characterizing happily married couples. And I will present, this presentation is conference version of marriage enhancement program. I developed it for Turkish people. Originally it last one day. And I have 50 minutes and I will give a conference. And this presentation is also coming from my research. I conducted research into 70 happy married couples. And they were married at last 10 years. And they saw themselves as happy. They described themselves as happy. And also community find them. They say this is the happy couples. Why I'm big? I'm a couple therapist also. Every day I'm seeing two or three couples. Several years. And then, okay. I'm saying the couples, they are usually, you know, fighting. And they are not looking, not are they happy, or they are unhappy. But I thought, oh, this is the one part of the picture. Where is the happy marriage? It should be, it should be. But nobody told, related to that, you know. And I think I thought, I should find them. And I made a research. I found them. And then I made an interview with them. I think it's very important to understand. You know, you should look at the picture. You should see all picture, you know. Okay. In one, at the spectrum, at the one hand, very happy marriages. And the other end of the spectrum is very unhappy marriages. Most of people, you know, fall in the middle one. Okay. If you look at all of them together, I have a chance because I'm a couple therapist. I have a file. I know everything about them. They are talking. They are describing the story with me. If I also, you know, talk with the happy marriage. Okay, that means I can look at them two different way. And I will do with you. Because, you know, if you look at the media, everyone talking about unhappy marriages. Do you remember, look at them, think about them. Do you remember anything that people talking about, you know, happy marriages? There is. You know, there is. But you have to find, you have to go down and ask. If you don't ask, they don't say anything. They are living because they are happy marriage. Why they say? Unhappy marriage always complains. But if you ask them, they start to talk about their story. Why is the quality of one's marriage so significant? Because our relationship, especially with our spouses, has powerful influence on health, not only mental health, also physical health. If your marriage is good, your physical health is better. We know the mental health also. But, on the other hand, marriage also have a capacity to bring great pain. Suffer. Two things together, you know, big happiness and big pain together. It's possible. For example, if you look at the Turkish, you know, your side is, the worst rate is the highest. Maybe ours is modest. But 126,000 divorce happened in 2016. And if you look at it, 35% happened in their marriage in five years. Early phase, early marriage. Okay, it brings happiness. But if your marriage is conflicting or you are getting divorced, there is a significant risk. Because you become under stress, you will probably have a depression or anxiety symptom or poverty will occur. You know, there is a poverty. One of the predictions is a divorce. If you divorce, your money will loss. Also, children will affect. I'm also behind the specialist. I'm listening a lot of, you know, story. If you are coming to conflict in parents, it's possible your mind is possible. It's huge consequences. Okay, we understand. It can be happy or great pain. But can we do something? Is it, it can be change? Yes or no? Do we know the absolute formula? What's the happiness? Well, if I know, I will be the richest man in the world. You know, everybody, you know, father and mother, give them money. Let me say, okay, this couple will be happy or unhappy or divorce or not. Actually, I wrote a book about this. It's another issue. But there is no absolute formula. But if you look at, you know, physical health, do we have an absolute formula? No. But we know if you do regular exercises, if you do, you know, good sleep, educate among sleep or stress management, your physical health will improve. If we have enough information about the marriage, if we distribute the people, we can improve the marriage. It is possible. We don't know exact formula, but we know enough knowledge. If we teach the people, marriage can be better. I think for your society, for Muslim society, I'm saying for Turkish, we need three things. One of them, we need some guidebooks. It should be so practical. Suppose I have some question, and this guidebook should give an answer. Very practical way. Do you have? Do we have? No. My students start to study about that. I'm prepared for the Turkish, but we have a guide for the Muslim community. And also, we need marriage and husband's program, not only conference. Because we have conference, we are only giving knowledge, information. It's good, but it's not enough. We need a skill. How can we take a skill? Practice it. In my workshop, couples come together, sitting together, and there are three meters between other couples. And they talk to each other, not the other people. Because of culture. If you ask in Turkey, I don't know here, people don't want to talk about marriage in front of other peoples. But if you sit with each other, they can talk. They can talk. Also, marital counseling, it should be rich isn't it? There is a big problem for the Turkish now. We have a perfect health system now. The insurance is covering everything. It's easy, but we have a problem. I'm also, you know, sometimes advising government. They are preparing to do this because it's a problem. I think it should be, you know, we can easily, if necessary, we should take a marital counseling. According to my research, happily marriage couples have seven different qualities. First, number one, they have a positive outlook towards their marriage and to the one another. First one, positive outlook. Second one, they accept their differences. I will explain all of them. During the presentation, their fights do not take a destructive form. Okay, sometimes they have a problem, but they do not fight as a destructive form. Number four, they do not remain close. Or maybe I should say, küsme, very, very common things in Al-Qaljif. I don't know, it's a difficult to find in Turkish. In English, this küsme, what that means küsme, is a crossing or silent treatment. Number five quality, they protect and maintain their sexual routines or life. Number six, they are able to manage the challenges of shared life. Number seven, they are good friends. I interviewed the people, couples, and I look at the content analyzers, then I can expect. Let's start first quality. I will say, present some quotation from my research, also, you know, the couple fights. Happy married people, kind of things. I'm married to the right person. I'm happy married. I want to stay married. They say, I want to stay married. Look at what they say. For example, a wife, married for 24 years, my husband is a good, hardworking, humble, and compassionate person. Very positive outlook. And another married woman for 19 years, we are a good match and I feel peaceful with him around. He is my rock and does not hesitate to show his love. A husband married for 16 years, we have grown closer and closer over time. Very positive outlook. Look at the unhappy marriages. I'm a quotation from the file. I think I'm married the wrong person. I'm unhappy in this marriage. Should I get the divorce? They are asking themselves. Look at what they say. I don't trust him. It feels like he doesn't want to best for me. One of us can live any minute. Another quotation. I keep finding myself thinking how things would be like if I were married to another person. I keep thinking, what if, what if, what if, especially after our fights, these thoughts come to my mind so much that it feels as though my is going to burst. Okay. I have eight advice for you. It's going like this. You know, I will describe the one, number one then, you know, from the happy marriage quotation, then the unhappy quotation, then I will recommend something, you know. First, keep remind yourself of how any person was met and married. What's your story? Usually, you know, beginning is better. Think about it again and again. Because if your mind is working like that, if you take your good days, instead of growing, like a network is growing, you know. Keep reminding yourself of your positive activities, you know. It should be, you know, you should believe in it. You know. He's a trustable person. Okay. He has some problem but I can't trust him. He's a good father. He's a, she's a good mother, you know. You should remind yourself again and again. Because after the fight, all negative memory comes to, you know, suddenly. You should, you know, educate yourself. Okay. All of negative things comes to my mind suddenly. But, you know, my husband has this positive things. Or, you know, my wife also has this quality. You know, you should educate your mind. You should educate. Keep reminding the positive memory in your marriage. Like watching video, you know, in your mind. Sometimes it's like exercises. Okay. Stay. And think. We have good things in this time. Right here. Like watching video in your mind. Be generous in your expression of gratitude. Express your satisfaction of the one another. Proclaim as possible. Remember, complement sports skills. Touch your spouse as frequently as possible. Touch is stills, love and affection. Buy gifts for another in all shapes and forms. Gift increase closeness. It's not necessary. It's so expensive. You know, very simple things. Serve and care for your spouse just as you serve your children. It's not that, you know, become a, how to say, is that like a colic? No. It's a good thing to service in your wife or your husband. If you want to stay married, never give up this philosophy. You know, it should be go back. Try it again and again. Find another way. Think another way. Never give up. Which I should go back. The second quality. Accept their differences. For example, look at this cure. One age, two organized. Other age, very disorganized. Look at where exactly you are. And where is your spouse exactly? Okay. Your place is close or distance. If you, you know, if you are at the one point of spectrum and your spouse is other side of the spectrum. That means you have a little bit problem. Okay. You have to manage it. Because, you know, a lot of, you know, speciality. Suspiciousness, jealousy, perfectionism, selfishness, you know, openness to new things, motivation, level of happiness. Is that different? Okay. In my, you know, workshop, I'm getting the, you know, the couples. Please sign your place and your couple place and discuss. If you are, you know, two different point. That don't, not means you are not a good match, not a mistake, manage. Okay. Whoever you merit, it should be, it will be, you know, inevitable. Look at the happy marriage, happy marriage husband. Our differences seem to be more, she is very hardworking. While I tend to be more lazy. However, when I have problem arise, we like to communicate with each other and define a common ground. We are able to communicate and solve problems. We have common hobbies too. Happy marriage wife. I'm an organized person who does not take it well. One thinks don't go as a plan. As for him, he is much more relaxed. He is able to adapt the chairs better than me. However, our life plans and philosophy are quite similar. Look at the unhappy marriage. What's the story? We are not a good match. I'm a home person. He is an outdoor person. He keeps wanting to socialize outdoors. Actually, he will not say, no, if I suggest to join him, but I don't want to keep socializing outdoors. When discussed this, it tells me that I'm trying to stop him in indoors. They are not managing their differences. Okay. Good. There are three things you have to do. One of them, you should have an awareness, awareness about your differences. Okay. And you should accept it. Because it's not relating to it. It's coming from the childhood. It's the Muslim of them. It's a character. It's a personality. It's not with you. But you have to manage it. I have a five piece of advice for this. One, whoever you marry, there are bound to be differences. Having differences does not mean you guys are not meant for another. There are more than 100 trees. It's inevitable to become the different points. It's not a big matter. But you have to be aware of it. You try, you accept and then manage it. Be aware of the fact that your supposed differences have to do with temperance and disposition and not necessarily with you. Reflects on your supposed similarities and differences and increase your awareness on these matters. Be aware of the fact that why my differences have a potential of benefit, but excessive differences are potential of being disturbed with your marriage. Upon discovering the extreme differences you guys have with one another, make a list then and plan how you will manage that. In workshop, they are choosing one of them and they're making some plan how to manage their differences. You can do it in your house. It's not difficult. Third quality, their fights do not take a destructive form. Have you made it, you know, explained, given this kind of story? We are quarrel, do not fight. They quarrel are not so frequent. They quarrel are multi-severalty. They quarrel as in a resolution. Okay? Let me give you an example. A husband, though it is not frequent, we do fight once a month. Yes, these are the form of quarrels, not the fights. We will disagree on something, quarrel about it, then it's done. We will not become cross with one another. But there will be few hours of silence. Being crossed like three days or four or five days or more? No, that is not it. Usually I apologize and then we become buddies again. Why? I have no recollection of my husband screaming at me. In fact, usually it's I who may scream. Yet our disagreements are usually my quarrels and it's a form that we are able to speak their power from. Look at the narrative of the unhappy marriages. They say, you can never know when our fight will begin. But once they do, there is an immediate raising of voices. It's almost like we are having a fist fight. And especially those belittling words of my wife. See at the rolling of her eyes, that leaves me out. He knows what I look like. If I were not looking at the mirror at this moment, it's fear of both of them. They whole building wake up during our last fight. We both screamed terribly. We did not touch one another, but crushed each other with our force. He blamed me and I blamed him. But no one did not stop. I can't stop myself in such incidents. I want him to take things calmly and then he doesn't. We both have a real tendency of getting angry. Sometimes people, couples, have a fight. Who has a power at the house? Will my world pass or not? Is there a sub-scenario? Who will world pass? 101 and 0-1. It's all your piracy. It's a Qadishah. King. It's not just suitable for marriage. 9 to 10? No. 8 to 20? No. 7 to 30? No. It should be close. And some matter, one spouse have a word and another matter is another. Power should be balanced at the spouse. And what is your decision-making process at your house? I think it's a very important question. Anybody say what I say must happen? Or reciprocal discussion and collective decision-making. Like we say a community should take some decision together. It's like that. Look like the couple at the house. Another reason for fighting, having a different need. Look at the graph. Two couples say, okay, we are at marriage, but we should have enough space for each other. I don't know. Look at the other side. It's like a marriage philosophy. We should always come together, side to side. No, there is no luck without me. Always we will trade together. If you are one side, suppose it's another side, it's a problem. You should find a way, and look at the other's need to make the middle one. I have six different advice. Identify the pattern of your fights and afford to not be repeated. For example, think about that. If you have a camera like this in your house, and then take your fight, if it takes your fight, then you show it. You watch it. It's amazing. Same thing happening again and again, same style. You should know what's happening between us, and carefully, you shouldn't repeat it. Take a break if your discussion is taking to become a fight. 20 minutes break. Because your physiology, your stress level will decrease, it can be possible to talk. It's a very important technique. It's very simple. Take a break. It shouldn't be less than 20 minutes. My suggestion should be more than one hour. When you come together, please don't talk. Fighting issue. Talk is another problem. Another thing. Maybe 20 hours later, return the fight issue when you are having drinking coffee. Okay? Yes. And they do not remain cross. In English. Silently. You know, this is the very different, original for the Turkey. The main part of culture, and the people have a tendency to become cross. Some people cross very easily. Some people never cross. Think about yourself. Your spouse. Once you become cross, you are changing. You are not looking at their eyes. Your distance is getting big when you are cross. Your speaking word is getting decreased. This is a sign of Turkey. Look at it. Happily married wife. Having been times we crossed. Sure, this is life. But I am not one crossed easily. My husband has tendency to. But that is too not one of them. That last for a long time. Another husband, married for 31 years. Our cross period lasts for no more than 3 or 5 hours. We both reconcile. It's very easy. Think about the unhappy couples. We are sometimes cross for 2 or 3 months. When we have married for 15 years, we become cross very frequently. Crossness is one aspect of our relationship. In fact, the main ingredient of our relationship. Everything again and again. For advice. Cross with difficulty, reconcile easily. It's like a hologram. Develop a mutual reconciliation code. Reach you. Never reject the strategy for reconciliation. When a spouse comes to you, your wife or your husband, let me say Turkish, reconciliation. It's a big chance. Never say no. If you say no, it will get cross again. And she will not come again. It's the last long time. Put an immediate direction of remaining cross. In my workshop, they are making agreement with the husband and the wife. They are making their agreement. How many hours they can cross? Or how their style becomes reconciled? They are making agreement about this. And they are putting the refrigerator on it. And I will be speeding. And the five qualities, they protect the main, their sexuality. They are looking their sexuality a positive manner. Sexual interference having a stable frequency. Mutual desire during sexual interaction. For example, happily married husband. I'm content of my sex life. It's among the human needs. All frequency between twice a week. It's looking happy. Happy married wife. That aspect of our life is just fine. If marriage has four status stones, the first is without the sexuality. She knows what's important in marriage. Look at the unhappy marriage. A man, a divorce later, we have no sex life for the past year. Problem is our life increases and our sex life was swallowed by them too. My wife is the opinion that sex has no place in poor spousal relations. And a wife in the midst of the mental difficulty, my husband desires sex without being verbally intimated, close to me. There's a bit differences between men and women. Actually, I have ten different advice. Please, you should look positively at their sexual life. Sex has the potential of deepening or destroying your marriage. Maintain a positive outlook on sexuality. Mutual desire is important. Develop your sex life. It can be better, you know, you can learn. Men and women differently approach the sexuality. Okay, how about the money? When I did this research, I am expecting this happy marriage, people say, some way, help them, you know, to manage their money. They should find a way. But surprising, there is no one way. Some people said, okay, husband marriage, no problem for me, wife said. Some, you know, people say, okay, my wife managing money, it's not problem. Find money for me or join management. Our money is the hands of my husband. I love spending money and don't know his word. Okay, another. Okay, I have a couple here, both of them doctors. Husband of the couple, what are they saying? My wife says that I am the man of the house. I'm responsible for the care of the family. She's investing her own money along with her mom. I recently asked for some financial support and injected her. Then this argument, if any, you know, feeling injustice or feeling being gripped or lack of trust are that destructive. And another problem is how to raise the kids. And the housework, okay, I should be a little speedy. Okay, this is important. They are also good friends. It's not, you know, absolute necessity. But couples, couples also, you know, close friends is a big chance. What's that mean, become a friend? Being emotionally connected to one another and enjoying conversing with one another and enjoying spending time and doing things with one another, remaining connected with one another through the day. You know, this is the book, The Ring of the Dog. Have you read it? Yes, you should. It's a tenth century, even a haze from Andos. It's a perfect book about the man-woman relationship. It says, there are those who say too much, talks, and danger law. This is an opinion that must be thought of Believe it or not, quite the contrary. The longer one is the company of the other, the longer and deeper they want and is likely to be. It says, keep talking. It's better for you. Look at the happy marriage. A husband, my wife and I, we conversed so much. We conversed throughout the long trip, for instance. And won't even realize how the time has passed. Sometimes I'm asking a question. When you are going to a long trip, what's happening between yours? Are you talking or are you looking at the other side? It's a very good sign. Okay, I can say it's not a 100% show. But it's also, if you are talking, if you are, you know, liking each other, making it together, activity is a very good tool for your marriage. For example, unhappy marriage. My husband does not call me much. I want to keep in touch. I mean, there is a WhatsApp and all. But the neighbor calls, no replies to my messages. On all they rarely does, this network will leave the habit too. Our connection has really cut off. I have five advice. Please, conversely, conversely makes most girls strong. Do, find and do activity you both enjoy. Try to find. I'm giving the list different 50 activities, both of them. And please choose, sign it. Which one is your good for you? And then show your spouse. And then make a plan for the next, this year. Sometimes you will do, you know, step by step. Keeping in touch throughout the day, throughout the day. If calling is difficult, at least with messaging, we are messaging maids or WhatsApp. Use WhatsApp. WhatsApp is usually, you know, bad things, but it's very good for spouse. Please send a message throughout the day. You know, it can be small, but keeping in touch is very good things for spouse. Go to collective events of organization together. I think similar goals, passion and ideas, in this sense of us. You know, go to, together with the community. Do good things for the people together. Develop a spiritual or higher moral goal and ideal together. Such ideal ideals and afford achieving them, that deepest bonds. Example, raising example in Muslim family. Praying players, praying collectively at night. You know, dreaming to be going together on heaven. Like, you know, if you think together, you're born with the strong. Okay, okay, let's finish it. Seven lessons to learn from happily married couples. One, first, number one. Try to maintain a positive view on your spouse. Remind yourself of his or her positive interviews. Frequently. I'm sorry. Two, identify, accept and manage the differences you and your spouse have been one and the same. Number three. Do not go to indistractive fights with your spouse. Four, do not cross with your spouse. And if you do, keep it short. Very short. Keep your intimacy and sex life going. Number six. Dying in the six main areas of challenge in married life. Family relation, money, kids, housework, and the rising of the kids and free time. Much less for them. You know, try to deal with it. And the last one, try to be good friends. Okay, thank you. I hope one day, if my marriage is getting better, I will come here one day. I think is that you should have a workshop as a community. Conference form is not enough. Because you need skill. Without skill, you know, it's not easily become better. Okay. How did you learn? Always. I'm married for 20 years, 5 years. Number one, I have 3 kids. And I'm a couple therapist. And I'm giving courses at the university about the relationship. And also I am doing some research. When I'm making this program, I search all of the program. I think my program is different, at least to affect the other program. But not the second one, you know, knowing each other, differences in each other. And the side of it. It's because it's belong to our culture. Because my patients, you know, always say, we are küs in Turkey, we say side of küsmek. It's so common. People say, you know, küsmek. You know, if you have a problem, it's like, you know, they understand, you know, küsmek, küs. Even children do it. It's a little cultural thing. And I show you, my client told me again and again, I said, oh, it's important. There is not this kind of thing, the other program. But I should put it. Because it's a real thing. It's the most important part in my workshop. People find it's very, you know, very useful. Okay?