 The National Broadcasting Company presents The Big Show, the first half hour presented by the makers of Reynolds Aluminum, the Reynolds Metals Company, and starring the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead. For the next hour and 30 minutes, you will be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business, such bright stars as... Fred Allen Jerry Kelowna Portland Hoffa Barry Lynn Ethel Merman Jan Murray Kathleen Nesbitt Meredith Wilson And my name, darlings, is Tallulah Bankhead. Saved out a few fan letters we received this week. Here's one. My dear... My dear... My dear something. Such miserable handwriting. I can't make out this ridiculous word. My dear... Oh yes, of course. My dear Tallulah. I am the young actress who talked you at the theatre a couple of weeks ago, the one who admired your mink coat so much and you gave me a lock of it. Well, when I told you of my ambition to become a big star like you, you told me there was no shortcut and that I would have to start at the bottom. So I've been taking it over and decided to follow your advice by starting on your program. Isn't she sweet? And here's another letter. Oh, from a group of soldiers overseas. Dear Tallulah, every Sunday night we gather around to hear your program and we think you're just wonderful. Would you send us some pin-up pictures? We would like pin-up pictures of Betty Graber, Rita Hayworth and Jane... Well, boys will be boys. When they grow up and become men, they'll ask for my picture. Well, here's another letter. Oh, it's a poem. Glamorous, glorious, lovely Tallulah. Give me your answer, do. Is that really aluminum's gleam in your hair? Who will tell me if this can be true? I will, Miss Bankhead. You know, on this program we've looked at many different scenes in the age of aluminum. Reynolds' aluminum. But women tell us we've neglected one of the very brightest displays of the modern metal. Naturally, because it's something that a mere male would hardly see. It's the modern beauty parlor. Through an aluminum entranceway they say you come upon an ultra-modern scene of aluminum showcases, aluminum chairs and manicure tables, aluminum shelves and shampoo trays, aluminum clips for pin-up-pin curls, aluminum lighting fixtures. And, of course, beautiful ladies under the aluminum domes of hairdryers. A pretty picture, what? Well, it just goes to show you that wherever you find things being really beautified, whether it's a house or a head of hair, there you'll find aluminum. Reynolds' aluminum. Well, darlings, this is the season of the year for coals. It's so smart to have one, and I've been smarting all week. The minute I walked into rehearsal the other day, everybody in the cast offered his favorite cure for a coal. Dr. Fred Allen had this to say. Obviously, Tallulah, you have a simple cold in your nose. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed at. It's the season for coals. This is the time of year when, down in Florida, everybody's saying, they're running in New York. Coals are caused by cold germs. Now, what makes a germ cold? No heat. Now, when a germ gets cold, he knocks on the radiator, which, in your case, is your nose. Now, let us examine this. What does your landlord do when you knock on your radiator for heat? He tells you to drop dead. So take your landlord's advice, and you will never have a cold again. Thank you, Fred. Next, I've got some advice from Porton Huffle. Well, Papa had the perfect cure for a cold. It's called the hat cure. Papa would get into bed and put his hat at the foot of the bed. Then he would take a drink and lie in bed looking at the hat. Then he'd take another drink and look at the hat again. All day, he would lie there in bed, taking another drink and looking at the hat. And when he saw two hats, his cold was cured. Well, thank you, darling, but where am I going to get a hat at this time of night? But you! Yes, I'm not. Next mirror, then, was most elicitous. Well, in England, when we have a cold to Lula, the first thing we do is to call a doctor. You know, we have socialized medicine in England. And when you call a doctor, it takes him two weeks to get there. By that time, the cold is cured. Oh, she's joking, of course. Socialized medicine is enough to be sneezed at. But you! It was all right! Next came that young comedian, Jan Murray. I asked him what he does to cure a cold. Well, to Lula, there's a knuckle of mine who suffered from colds all his life. Then one day, he invented this cure. You pour the yellow of two eggs into a glass. Then you add a tablespoon full of honey, a half cup of turpentine, and you flavor it with a jigger of coleslaw. Then you drink it hot. It's Uncle's remedy. I saw him only last week and he looked marvelous. May he rest in peace. Your uncle's dead right. That's you! Next came kindly old beloved Dr. Meredith Wilson. Well, sir, Miss Bankhead. Back home in Mason City. That's my hometown, you know, Mason City, Iowa. We had this old Dr. Davis. We called him Doc. He was a doctor, you see. Well, he was a great surgeon, too. He operated on 40 people in one month and very successfully. Didn't cut himself once. Well, long before penicillin and all those other wonder drugs came popular, he had a wonder drug of his own just for colds. He went to his office and he took you in the back room and injected some kind of a shop into you. Talk about wonder drugs. It was a wonder if you'd drug yourself home. Isn't that a revolting, nauseating story? Thank you anyhow, kindly old beloved Meredith Wilson. Hut you! Well, the next guest who offered advice was a celebrated English actress, Kathleen Nesbitt. Tallulah, when I have a cold, I go home and get my husband to rub my back with some liniments and then he fixes me some hot tea and he gives it to me in bed and he brings me a hot water bottle for my feet and it's wonderful and it cures my cold completely. So the cure for your cold, Tallulah, is to get married. Get married, indeed. I'd rather have a cold. I'd walk Jerry Tallulah with this darling suggestion. Well, the first thing you ought to do, Tallulah, is get a mustard plaster and put it on your back. Then put another one on your chest. Then you put one on the back of your neck. Then put another mustard plaster on your throat. Then a small plaster in the small of your back. Then a larger plaster for the large of your back. In other words, Tallulah, if you want to get rid of your cold, just make sure you're well plastered. Well, now there's a fellow who's smarter than he looks. Hut you! Hut you! It came old class nightingale herself, Ethel Merman. You say your head aches and your eyes are running and your throat is sore. You're not in love, you're just sick. Tallulah, take my advice. You'd better bundle up, go ride home, get into bed, and stay there for the rest of the winter. And don't worry about a thing. Everything will be all right. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the glamorous and unpredictable Ethel Merman. And that is how Ethel Merman cured my cold. Good sunshine, darlings. And thank you. And as for you, Ethel, as long as you're here, darling, and your mouth's open, I wouldn't want you to be caught in a drop. Scared me, too. I am so close to it in saying something, won't you, baby? Preferably that song you rehearsed this morning with the orchestra zing with the strings in my heart. Ladies, darling, if you please. I was talking about your singing. Of course, I suppose there are people who think you sing quite well. Personally, I'm still willing to be convinced. You know me, Ethel, I have an open mind. Well, if you want a brag about having a hole in the head, start with me. I've been signed to make a picture. I'm leaving town about the middle of July. July? Oh, that's too bad. Can't you make it sooner, darling? Now, where are you going to make this picture? 20th Century Fox. Oh, really, darling? I was made a picture there. Oh, that's when it was called 19th Century Fox. Yes, they were little foxes. Now, what picture are you going to make, Ethel? Oh, the screen version of my stage play. Oh, South Pacific. No, call me madam. You're thinking of Mary Martin. At a time like this, why not? So, you're making the picture of your play. What's the matter with Betty Davies? They told me she made everybody stage plays. Only yours, baby. Well, she won't anymore if she does. It's over my dead body. Well, it's your body you want to know. It's my turn now. Tell me, Ethel, are you going out to make just one picture? Why don't you stay out there and make the sequel to call me madam? Call me mother. And the next year, you'll be just right for calling me grandmother. Well, why didn't you make a sequel to Lifeboat? Lifeboat leaks. And then Lifeboat leaks again. And then I'd like to see you in the final sequel. Gurgle, gurgle. What's the matter with you? Are you waiting for me to throw you a life preserver? I don't get it. And you won't get it if you wait for me to throw it. Now, Ethel, look here. We're not getting anywhere this way. Let's be friends and start over from the beginning. From the very beginning? Yes. Okay. Well, right at the beginning when the world begins. Is this an eyewitness account? Takes one to no one. Back to, uh, think that over, darling. Getting back to your picture. Well, now getting back to your picture, Ethel, when do you start making it? Well, when I get out there in July, they'll start shooting. Yes, I know. But when do you start making the picture? Now, don't worry about me getting along out in Hollywood to Lula. This girl knows how to get along with the producers. I play cards with them and I see to it that I lose. I play tennis with them and I lose. I even shoot dice with them and I lose. Loaded? No, not while I'm working. Oh, you'll do fine out there, Ethel. With your luck, you'll be a big hit out there. Luck? What do you mean, luck? Well, darling, after all, you've been in ten shows and they're all been hit. You're just lucky to be in a show with Ethel Merman. That's all there is to it, all the time, period. Well, thank you. How do you like that? After all these weeks, I finally compliment somebody. I ought to kill myself. May I watch? It isn't often you can see a great actress like me die. Only every Sunday night. Great actress. I noticed when they wanted an actress to make a picture, they hired me, not you. Look, darling, they hired you because you sing. When it comes to acting, you're looking at the granddaddy of them all. Is that it? I didn't. All right, kid, let's see about it. Which is better? You're singing and my acting. You've had your chance, you sang. Now, I'm going to do some acting with my dear friend, Kathleen Nesbitt. But first, while they set the stage for this play, our sponsor, the Darling Reynolds Metal Company, has a word about lifetime aluminum. You know, that makes me wonder. The way money melts away these days, maybe I ought to get paid off in long-lasting aluminum. Or maybe so, Miss Bankhead, because it's a fact that rust-proof Reynolds aluminum does last and last without protective painting, practically without maintenance. That and its structural qualities of lightweight and great strength make aluminum the metal of modern construction. Look at the newest buildings going up in our cities. Bright, airy structures of aluminum and glass. Their value invested in comfort and beauty instead of weight. Look at the walls and roofs of modern industry covered with Reynolds lifetime aluminum. And the storefronts of commerce. The guardrails of viaducts and bridges. So many other uses. Even the scaffolding builders and painters use is now Reynolds lifetime aluminum. Quickly assembled, easy to move around. You know, every great advance of architecture is achieved through new freedom from the shackles of weight. And the newest emancipation from weight is through aluminum. The Reynolds Metals Company, as one of America's great producers of aluminum, salutes the architects of this new age. Well, darlings, the big show bids welcome tonight to Kathleen Nesbitt. Kathleen Nesbitt, you will remember, appeared on Broadway last season in T.S. Eliot's The Cocktail Party, and she is currently being seen in Gigi, the satirical French comedy drama at the Fulton Theatre in New York. Kathleen Nesbitt is one of England's great stars, and it is with genuine pleasure that I invited her to appear with me tonight in Patricia Collins' comedy piece, A Matter of Perspective. This is the story of an actress who invites her dearest friend to the dress rehearsal of a new play to give her advice. Melodious darling, would you set the stage? Hello, hello. Hello, hello. Yes, hello. Hello, darling, is that you? Who's that? It's me. Who? Me. Well, hello, darling. Darling, would you do me a great favour? What? Could you drop everything right away and come to my dress rehearsal tonight? Your dress rehearsal? Yes, dear. I thought it was this afternoon. And no, dear, it's tonight. What did you do? Perspone it? And no, dear, it's always been tonight. I thought it was this afternoon. And no, dear, it's tonight. Well, what's the matter? Well, everything's the matter. The play is terrible, and I am terrible, and my clothes are terrible. I suppose I'm so close to you that I can't get any perspective on it, and I want a fresh point of view, and I want someone who's never seen it and who doesn't know anything. I mean anything about this particular play. And I want someone I can believe and who'll tell me the truth, so you will come. Well, I'd love to, but I was just... Oh, that's wonderful, darling. You're saving my life. Now, look, I want you to watch everything, every single thing. Have you got a paper and pencil there? Yes, I have. But I write these things down so you won't forget them. Will you, darling? Have a good look at my yellow dress. I know it makes me look fat. And watch my makeup. The lighting is... Listen, darling, I want to ask you something. Yes, dear, what is it? And watch my hands. Now, tell me if I move them about too much. And watch the scene on the sofa. Yes, but how would I get out of it? And particularly watch my scene with the door in the second act. I'm afraid it doesn't get over. You know, it's one of those, well, those little symbolic bits, and I don't know yet what it means. Nobody knows. So watch it, darling. Yes, but how will I get out of it? Now, watch everything I do and come back to my dressing room afterwards, and we'll go over it all together. Oh, you're being an angel to do this. Eight o'clock sharp, darling, and I'll see you afterwards. Oh, thank you. Goodbye, darling. Oh, I'm exhausted, Rose. I don't want to see anyone except that woman who was coming to talk to me about the play. She's been making notes, and it's very important. Is she back yet? Well, where is she? Well, why isn't she here? I'm here. Well, what's she doing? Where's my cigarette? Oh, here. Well, when she comes in, Rose, keep everyone else out. I'm exhausted. I really don't know how I look as well as I do. Oh, there she is. Darling, come in. Let her in, Rose. Oh, darling, this is too wonderful. If you have a drinker, get her a drink, Rose. Get a cigarette. Where's the chair? Oh, there, darling, now sit down and tell me everything. Have you got your notes? Is the light all right? Oh, you're such an angel, Rose. You stand outside and don't let anyone else in. Tell them I've gone. Tell them I've left the premises. Oh, no. Now, you know, darling, Yes, dear. I'm going to tell you exactly what I thought. Well, of course. That's what I want. You don't know what it means to me, darling. Have you do this? You know how it is. We're all so close to it, and people just say, oh, you're marvelous. But that isn't what I want. I mean, anyone can say, oh, you're marvelous. I don't want to know what's marvelous. I want to know what is wrong. You know what I mean. Very well. Now, first, how'd you like my clothes? They were all right. But first, didn't you like them? Oh, yes, they were all right. Except that yellow dress, you were right about that. It does make you look fat. Where does it make you look fat? All over, dear. Where are you sitting? Down front. Oh, well, that was it then. It looks all right from further back, you see. That's what it was designed for. It's meant to be seen in perspective. You can't get the proper effect at all when you are so close to you. I see. But how about your first interest? How was my scene with the door? Oh, you were right about that, too. It doesn't get over. How do you mean it doesn't get over? It wasn't very clear, dear. I didn't know what you were doing. You didn't know what I was doing? Are you sure you were thinking of the right scene? I mean, the act of he goes and I go up and hurl myself against the door and sob just once. And then stand and turn the knob gently back and forth as if I could still feel his hand on it. Didn't you get anything from that at all? You didn't? No, dear, I just thought the door had stuck. Where were you sitting? In the same seat. I mean, you weren't on the side. No, dear, I was in the centre. Well, I only asked because I thought perhaps you might have seen it from a bad angle. Do you think maybe the door was too far offstage? No, dear, the door was perfectly all right. You know, I think you must be wrong about that. If I thought you weren't, I'd be the first to say so, but I think you're wrong, darling. You see, I have studied that scene. I mean, I've studied it from every angle. And I think the way I play it is the only way to play it. It may not have been awfully clear, you dear. It's subtle. No, I think that scene's all right. Now, tell me about my hands, darling. Did I move them too much? Yes, a little, I thought. Well, in the scene where you listen to the will, you'd sit perfectly still there. I do sit perfectly still there, as I remember. Don't I? No, dear, you move your hands incessantly. Well, I can't be absolutely motionless. You should be. Why? Because then you would stand out, dear. As it is, you'd distract. From what? From the play, dear. Don't you see, darling, if you just sat there and did absolutely nothing at all, you'd stand out as the one calm figure on the stage. Well, I don't agree with you at all. I have to do something while he's making that long speech. And anyway, darling, I don't move my hands. I merely twist a handkerchief. As a matter of fact, that's the one scene where I've been careful of my hands, particularly careful. All I meant was, was there any place where I did move them too much? No, dear. How was the play as a whole? I thought it... I thought it dragged a little. Now, do you think you can really judge any play in rehearsal? Don't you think you have to see it with an audience? Maybe. How was my make-up? Marvelous. How was the scene on the sofa? Marvelous. How was the scene with the doctor? Perfectly marvellous. Oh, that is terribly funny. Terribly funny. Oh, you know, I can hardly read some of those lines in rehearsal. We all used to laugh so much. I thought, my dear, we'd die. Oh, how was the first act I couldn't? Perfectly marvellous. Then you don't think I have a thing to worry about? Not a thing in the world, darling. Oh, darling, isn't that perfect and marvellous? Perfectly marvellous. Thank you, Kathleen Nedsby. You were wonderful. It's always a superior performer. Now I'm going to let the audience decide like better, Ethel's singing or my acting. I will raise my hand over each contestant's head. Ethel Mermon, ladies and gentlemen. And now, the glamorous star of many stage successes on Broadway, including such outstanding plays of the little foxes, skin of our teeth, rain, private lives, dark victory, and the big show which lets you in here free every Sunday night. Miss Tallulah Bankhead. Well, it's fifty-fifty. Very good for you, Ethel, considering everything. But now, we're from a hundred percent product, Reynolds Aluminum, about a very insipid subject, water. That's what it says here, water. Well, Miss Bankhead, however some people may feel about it, everything that grows from the soil loves water and needs it. Farmers report crop yields two and three times greater with portable irrigation systems made of Reynolds Aluminum, so they are light to carry, rust-proof, long-lasting. We'll be glad to send you a booklet called More Income Per Acre, full of information on how portable irrigation can mean greater profits and less work for your farm. Right to Reynolds Metals Company, Louisville One, Kentucky. Now, of course, military needs for aluminum limit the civilian supply, but despite the tremendous demand, aluminum remains the only basic material that costs less today than before World War II. That's partly the result of the competition that Reynolds started in the aluminum industry twelve years ago. Lower price, greater demand, increased production, including eventually more of your favorite Reynolds wrap, the original and genuine, the pure aluminum foil. That's what you can expect from the Reynolds Metals Company, pioneers of progress through aluminum. Well, I don't care what anybody says, I think I did very well in that contest with Ethel. Even though I just came out in a tie. If you had just come out in a tie to Lula, you would have won the contest. Well, Fred Allen, with all due respect to your ability in the field of comedy, I don't think you're qualified to judge my dramatic performance. Au contraire, mademoiselle. Literal translation, if it baffled you. Literal translation, you're kidding to Lou. Say, did you happen to catch me on the Kate Smith television show last week when I made my dramatic debit? You mean debut, Fred? No debit. There was a general feeling when I had finished that I owed them a little something. Oh, I'm sure you must have been wonderful, Fred, darling. How did you really make out in a dramatic role? Well, look, there were five of us in the cast, and I was the only one who looked like an old movie. It could have been worse, Fred. I saw a friend of mine on television the other night, and she looked like an old radio. But tell me, darling, what did it feel like being in a serious play? Didn't you miss getting laughs? Well, yes, but that's happened to me on comedy shows, too, you know. But what did the critics say, Fred? Oh, I liked it very much. Well, your friend's a very critic, Portland. I thought he was fine. Well, I'm glad to hear that, Portland. I didn't know. Well, what did I say when you walked into the house after the show? Didn't I say, well, Fred, you did it again? Yes, you did, and it's been worrying me ever since. Oh, Fred, I wish I had caught you as a legitimate actor. Well, you're going to get your wish, because I've prepared here a little dramatic version of your dramatic version of a matter of perspective. And I'd like to do it here, if you don't mind. Well, I hope you come out of it better than I did in that poll I just took with Ethel. Oh, don't let polls bother you, Tallulah. In all my years in radio, I only won one poll. That was the 10-foot poll the sponsors wouldn't touch me with. Well, Fred, I can't wait for your dramatic debut on our show. But I'll have to for just half a minute, because it's time to ring my chimes. You get ready while I do that, will you? We'll be back with Act 2 right after I say that this is... Oh, what is the name of the... Oh, yes, this is NBC, the national broadcasting company. This is the big show, Act 2. And here once again is Tallulah Bankhead. Well, Fred, all set for your play list? Except for one minor detail. I'll have to find an actor to support me. I'll find two, darling, and I'll take the other one. Who would you like to have play opposite you, Fred? Well, I would like Lawrence Olivier or Charles Lawton, or either one of the two Marices, Evans or Schwartz, or actors of that ilk. How about Jerry Cologne? He looks like an ilk. Horse grease. Cologne, it's good to see you again. How's Bob? Bob Hope. Oh, him. I'm not working with him anymore. I had to let him go. He got too big. He began coming at the Bob Hope show. I've been working alone. No partner? No audience. Have you seen me in any of my personal appearances? Yes. How was I? No Hope. Fred, how about Cologne on your play? No, so. Why not? I'm a good actor. Have you ever done anything dramatic, Jerry? Why, yes, I flew all the way here from Hollywood. What's dramatic about that? No plane. I don't like to butt in, but this kind of dialogue may set mediocrity back ten years. You know, this could bring back Brenda and Cobina, this routine. Well, Tallulah, how about using me? No. And that's the first time I've ever enjoyed saying no. Well, I don't want to break your pattern, Tallulah, so I'll say yes to Jerry. Jerry, you are higher. Okay. Here are Jerry, Fred Allen, and Jerry Cologne, a vice versa, in their version of a matter of perspective. Meredith, the mood again, if you please, sir. Oh, I'm exhausted, Rose. I don't want to see anyone except Jerry Cologne. He's coming to talk to me about the play. Has he come back, Rose? No, sir, he hasn't. Well, he'll be here any minute, Rose. Now help me get dressed, Rose. I'll just slip into something comfortable. Now shall I wear my white tie or my black tie? Wear your white tie. You've been wearing it all week. It's black. Okay. Which suit do you want to wear? Tails. Shirt. Corderoi. Vest. Double breasted. Trousers. Of course. Five o'clock. He'll be here any minute. Who is it? It is I. Who? Me. Who? Jerry. Oh, Rose, let them in one at a time. Jerry, darling, you just look wonderful. You've lost weight, haven't you, darling? I love that suit you're wearing, darling. Have a drink, won't you, darling? Fred, why don't you wait till I open the door and let him in? I'm sorry. Open the door, Rose. Hello, Fred. Now about your play. I made some notes. Come in, Jerry. Rose, pour Jerry a drink. Yes, sir. Say when, Mr. Kelowna. Now it's running out of my mouth. How about your play, Fred? Rose, fix Mr. Kelowna a sandwich. I have the most delicious cold chicken. Rose, fix Mr. Kelowna a sandwich. Yes, sir. I have only white bread. Is that all right, Mr. Kelowna? Fine. Mustard. Please. Mayonnaise. Yes, lots. Butter. A dab. Salt. A pinch. And now the chicken. No chicken. You'll spoil it. Now about your play, Fred. Yes, yes. About my play. Now you know I hate people who say, oh, you were marvelous. Anyone can say, oh, you were marvelous. Now I know I can get a real honest criticism from you, Jerry. Just tell me. None of that you were marvelous stuff. Just tell me the truth, Jerry. Was I sensational or just great? If you can't tell me that, just say nothing. You are nothing. Where were you sitting? In the men's lounge. I had to make a phone call. Oh, well, then you missed the best part of the play. No wonder you didn't enjoy it. Oh, I was enjoying it immensely until the curtain went up. Did you like the scene where they were reading the will and I was biting my nails? Yes, that was good. But you think you should have taken off your shoes and socks just for that? Where were you sitting? Same scene. How did you like the second act curtain? I didn't like the material. No, no, I mean where I just stood there, panting and looking at the leading lady and wrinkling my nose. Didn't that do anything to you? Yes, I wrinkled my nose too. Thanks, everybody in the audience was wrinkling their noses. But we could still smell it. Where were you sitting? By this time I was standing in the lobby. Well, I guess it was just too subtle for you. No, we could smell it even out in the lobby. How about that yellow suit with the short knickers that I wore in the first act? You were right about that. It made you look fat. Where did it make me look fat? Where you were sitting. Jerry, it's perfectly marvelous, perfectly marvelous to know I have a friend who will tell me the truth about everything. There are so many friends who just say, you're marvelous. And then they let it go at that, but not you, Jerry. You're perfectly marvelous. You just told me the unbanished truth and that's what I wanted to know, Jerry. You're the most perfectly marvelous friend I have. Thank you, friend. Now Jerry, there's only one more thing. Sure. That's a perfectly marvelous idea and that's just what I'm going to do. Oh, dramatic actors. And now I think it's time for a song from our English shunters, Vera Linn. For her selection this week, Vera has chosen the haunting melody, tulips and heather, which she introduced in England some months ago. It is now reached America and is near the top and the list of song hits. Meredith Darling, if you please. Love's dream had gone astray. The dark spray of tuber again. Thank you. By the way, I want to thank you for those records of yours that you sent me. Oh, did you enjoy them, Tallulah? Oh, I love them. They're just wonderful, perfectly marvelous, darling. Of course, I'm going to enjoy them even more when I get a machine to play them on. Oh, I hope you've got my records, Vera. Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I guess I must have played them too loud because the manager of the hotel called up while I was playing one of them and he said, I'd have to get that man out of my room. Yes. Well, darling, I've been meaning to ask you how are your records selling? Oh, very well, thank you. They've already sold 100,000 of my last recording. 100,000? I only sold about 30 copies of my last record. You must be selling yours to strangers. Well, that must run into a lot of money. 100,000 records. Oh, it does at five cents a record. Five cents a record? Well, you're being jipped, darling. They only charge me two cents for every record I make. No, Tallulah, they give me money for my records. They give you money? Well, what do you know? Who's your agent, Churchill? Somebody would buy my records. I'll buy your records, Tallulah, if you buy mine. Oh, now, Jerry, don't tell me you make records, too. Oh, I do. I make square records for Caddy Connor phonographs. You don't believe I've ever heard Mr. Kelowna sing? Well, you won't believe it even after you've heard it, do you? Jerry, how about giving me a sample of one of your songs? Alrighty. How about my heart cries for you? All right. Stand back, everybody, and give Kelowna room to cry. You may spray the shoe. A great acclaim at the Copa Cabana, here in New York, and who makes his debut on the big show tonight, Mr. Jan Murray. Thank you, Miss Bankhead. I'd like you to know that to appear on your show is a pleasure, a privilege, an honor, and a check. Oh. Now, Jan, darling, after you leave the Copa, I understand you're going out to Hollywood. That's right, Tallulah. No more jokes for me. I'm going out to Hollywood and be a leading man in motion pictures. Oh, you're a leading man. How about that, Tallulah? Why? What's wrong? I could be a leading man just like those other fellas out there. What are they? Big deals or something? Clark Gable, Robert Itcham, Amitiam, and all those fellas out there? So what are they? Big man or something? They kiss a girl? A girl staggers around three, four minutes before she collapses. Not me. One kiss, bling. They don't want to live anymore. They don't do nothing. This is it. Jan Murray kissed him. You've got quite a kisser. Well, Tallulah, you may think I'm bragging or something, but I'll prove it to you. I kiss a gal, boy. I'm telling you. Any young lady in the audience can come up and kiss me right now. Any young lady at all. Just want to prove something. Any middle-aged lady, can it? Any old lady like to come up? Any old man? Is there an usher around? Well, Jan, I'm just trying to prove a point. That's all, Tallulah. Well, I'm going out to make a picture and be a leading man. You'll see. Well, I hate to disillusion you, Jan, but I heard about your first picture and you won't like it. You're going to make a prize-fight picture. What? A fight picture? Why, I won't stand being in a fight picture. Don't worry, darling. You won't be standing long. Fight picture? I hope they don't put me in another fight picture. Guys, they made a million of them. They're all the same picture. They all got the same plot. Why put me in a fight picture? Gee, a body and soul that's set up to champion little women, all those fight pictures? I mean... Gosh, I don't want to make one of those things. And they, you know, they all have the same plot. All these fight pictures. I'll show you a poor district, the Tenement District of New York. And you hear a narrator's voice. And he says, This is the story of a young boy who fought his way up from the slums of New York. Or as he tells it to you in his own words, I'm a young boy who fought my way up from the slums of New York. Sure, I became a prize-fighter. I've been fighting since the day I've been born. I had a fight to live to eat. It was the neighborhood I came from. See, it was rough, tough. By the time I was four years old, I was one of the dead or alive and ten cents on the neighborhood. You had to be tough to survive on my block. Of course, if you know how to handle yourself, you could live to a ripe old age, eight, nine. You should see the schools I went to. We didn't have fire drills, tear gas drills. All the kids used to bring the teacher's presents. One kid brought her a box of candy. I brought my teacher a pineapple. Too bad, she was out of the room when it went off. Poor people. I lived in a broken down apartment, no wallpaper on the walls, no rugs on the floors, no winter time, nothing to eat in the house. Then came the depression. I wasn't like other kids I didn't have any toys to play with. Didn't have any boxing gloves, didn't have any ice skates, didn't have any sleds. In the winter time, I used to slide downhill on my cousin. When I was 11 years old, I became sick. My family took me to a doctor. He said, this boy is under-fed, under-nourished. He needs a milk bath every day. A milk bath. We couldn't afford that. We were poor people. So I hung the cow on the ceiling and took shower. When I was 17, Joe sent for me. Joe was the local big shot. Managed all the price fighters. I'll never forget the first time I saw him, I went to his headquarters. There was a horse room, but that was just the front. And the back was a candy store. He said, I've been watching your kid. I like your style. I like the way you handle yourself. I want to manage. I'll make your world's champ. I've been watching you in those street fights. You thrilled me last night the way you knocked out that little old lady. I signed with him. Joe was a real underworld character. No time at all, I had 10 fights. And he showed up. I think it was fixed. Who cared? I won. So what? The big shots began inviting me out. She or I was a big man. One day I went to a party and met the champ. He didn't look like much to me. But alongside him was this girl. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. There was something about her. I was just crazy. I liked the way she carried herself. I loved the way she carried her head. On the haram she carried. She looked different. I knew I loved her the minute I saw her. I walked over to her and I said, hi, baby, hi, beautiful. How's about her date? She said, you're one, you hit them road, hit them road. Wasn't she wanted glamour? I'd get a glamour. I'd fight the champ. I'd knock them out. I'd be champ of the world. And then she'd come to me on her hands and knees. I went to my manager and I said, Joe, you've got to get me a fight with the champ. He said, take it easy, kid. You're not ready for that. He's a murderous puncher. I said, look, Joe, you've got to get me that fight. He said, but he's knocked out. Everybody's ever fought. I said, I don't care, Joe, you've got to get me that fight. I said, you've got to get me out of that fight. He worked fast. He already signed the contract. The minute the contracts were signed, I started to do road work. But they caught me in Philadelphia. They dragged me back and I really started the train. Two weeks later was the night of the fight. Sure, I was scared who wouldn't be. I was the first fighter they ever carried into the ring. I looked out and there was the champ's girl in the fourth row. I was so excited, so thrilled. I thought she came to see me. I winked at her. She laughed in my face. She laughed right in my face. That really got me mad. I turned to the champ's corner and I sneered at him. The champ was a little guy with a flat head and short legs. Then I realized I was sneering at the stool in this corner. He wasn't even in the ring. Finally, the champ came in. What a monster had the biggest reach I ever saw. We touched gloves. He never left this corner. Bell rang. He ran out, threw a left. I ducked the right. I ducked the crowd. I began to boo. I was ducking behind the referee. Then I got on my bicycle, but he had a motorcycle. Two minutes later, my right eye was completely closed, but my left eye was still open. He wouldn't take his fist out long enough to let it close. Towards the end of the first round, I began to figure out the champ's strategy. He was trying to kill me. The guy in the ring went home and quit the whole fight business. And now all I got left are my memories. So thanks for those memories. I recall those fights. When I posed beneath the light, the crowd went mad and yelled, he already forgot to wear his tights. That was hilarious, darling. Now I'd like to do something here if I may. Meredith, come here, sweetie pie. I want to talk to you. Yes, Miss Bankhead. Meredith, I want to sing a duet with somebody on the show. See if you can get me a sucker. I mean a singer. Isn't there somebody in this class who'll sing with me? Well, I could ask for volunteers. Okay. Well, that's the idea. Volunteers, cast, and join. There is a mission to be accomplished here, and I want volunteers. Admiral Wilson will explain it to you. Admiral Wilson. Aye, aye, sir. Now hear this. Now hear this. I want a volunteer to perform a hazardous mission. This is it. Operation throat. Synchronize your tonsils. I want one volunteer to step forward and sing with Miss Bankhead. Oh, I wouldn't ask you to do something for myself when I haven't got the stomach, the voice for it. Now then, we'll volunteer. I grant you it's dangerous out there on her high sea, but the man who volunteers to sing with Tallulah will draw extra pay for submarine duty. How about it, Seaman Merman? Just call me Madam. You volunteer for this mission? No. Why not? I'm yellow. Seaman Hoffa? I'm too young to die. Seaman Allen? I'm too old to ditto. Seaman Lin? I say, old boy, you can't send me. Why not? Wrong Navy. Seaman Murray? What do you want from me? I got two dependents. The two guys who own the Copacabana. Seaman Nestle? What was the question? Miss Bankhead wants a volunteer for operation throat. I'd be glad to cut it for her. Seaman Kelona? All present and accounted for. Well, what do you say? Oh, not much. What do you say? No, do you accept this mission? Aye, aye, sir. I hope that means no. He said aye, aye. He has to do it. Okay, Jerry, you and me. Good luck, Jerry. Thanks, Fred. You want me to hold your mustache? You won't want to get it wet, will you? Thanks, Fred. Just the music. What you have to go through on this program to get somebody to sing one lousy duet. Aye, Tallulah. If you think for one minute I'm not capable of singing this song when you're a kid, you're absolutely right. But that doesn't matter because I'd do anything for you. What, Jerry? If you catch a little cold, I'll sneeze for you. On the frosty winter day, I'll freeze for you. If you're restless, I will sail for you. To prove that I'm in love. If an onion burns your eye out, if you want to jump a jolly for you. To prove that I'm in love. You know, Jerry, my darling, I think you the dearest boy I've ever met. You don't even insult me when I sing. Aye, Tallulah. You're told there's something that I can't forget. You've even got a better voice than Bane. If a frog is in your throat, I'll croak for you. If a squally or a moustache I'll choke for you. I will even sing my high. To prove that you're in love. To act three, I just want to take a moment here to bring my chimes. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company. This is The Big Show, Act Three. This portion brought to you by Emerson for fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis, and uralgia. By dentine, a gum with breath taking flavor. And beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too. And by Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield, for the first time you'll get the cigarette that's much milder with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste. Tallulah Bankhead will be here in a moment, but first a word about Anacin. If you would like to know a quick, easy way to ease the pain of a headache, neuritis, or uralgia, then by all means try Anacin. Your own dentist or physician may at one time or another have handed you an envelope containing Anacin tablets. Then you already know how incredibly fast and effectively Anacin brings relief. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients. For your own sake, try Anacin. It is sold to you on this guarantee. If the first few tablets do not give you all the relief you want as fast as you want it, you may return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. You can get Anacin tablets at any drug counter. Anacin comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets, and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. And here again is Tallulah Bankhead. Well, I guess I'm in the minority, but the word around here seems to be a shame. We have such a talent as Ethel Merman on the show and let her get away with singing only one song. So, by all most popular demand, here again is the star of Call Me Madam. Singing something wonderfully suited to her style. It's a great, big, wonderful world. Meredith, if you please darling. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful world. Wonderful world. Wonderful. It's a big wide wonderful world. When you're in love, you're a master of all you survey. You're a gay Santa Claus. There's a great big. When you're in love, you're a hero. A nero Apollo. The Wizard of Oz. We'll get back to the entertainment. It gets all that bounce and energy. You won't believe this, but you know that Merman gets up in the morning. Well, I need to be surprised. She telephoned me this morning at the crack of 11. I don't know what she said. I never know at that hour of the morning. In fact, I never knew there was such an hour of the morning. Only last week I had one of those phone calls. I was really pounding that pillar when the phone rang. It's a little, she just died. Some people calling me up this morning at the hour. I think I'll open one eye and see what time it is. Everything's so cloudy. How do you like that? I want to sleep without wiping my glasses. What time does that say? 6, 6, 6 something. 6, 60. Calling me up at 6, 60 in the morning. Oh, that's my radio now. Well, now I'll never fall back to sleep. I wonder if I can put my lipstick on without opening my eyes. Lipstick, lipstick. Here we are. That's the lipstick there. I've finished. Maybe I can go through the rest of the day with my eyes shut. Oh, not again. Oh, hello. Fulton fish marking. Oh, no, no, no, of course you didn't wake me. I've been up hours. Just a minute, sweetie. I want to get myself comfortable. So we can have a nice long... Just a minute, darling. There's somebody here. Who is that? I see you. You fiendish looking old man. Stop that. Don't shoot or I'll move. Oh, it's the mirror. I got frightened. The red eyebrows scared me. I was using my lipstick before and I missed my mouth. You kind of frightened me for a moment, huh? Well, of course you didn't wake me. I've been up for hours. I showered, I dressed, I even smoked a hearty breakfast. You know what? Tonight. Well, now just a minute, I'll find my book and see what I have on. I don't think I'm doing a thing today. I'll answer with Michael, riding the park with David, cocktail with Martin. By the way, darling, what do you have in mind? Oh, just dinner and then call it an evening. I see. Well, look, darling, I had Charlie penciled in for dinner and let's call it an evening. Well, why don't you call Charlie? And you two boys have dinner and call it an evening. No, darling, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm just a little hurt, I'll admit. I mean, didn't I see you last evening at Morocco with a tall, attractive brunette? Oh, your sister. How about that redhead you were lunching with at 21 last Wednesday? Another sister. And those two blondes you were with at the colony last Saturday night. Sister. And that cute little girl you were dancing with the world off. Another sister. What do you mean who have I been going out with? I've been staying home alone every night. Well, once last week I was out with Jeffrey. Well, you never show up here so I go out with a boy like Jeffrey. The worst dance I've ever danced with the most insufferable conversation. The dress is like a tramp and it's old enough to be my father and you know how old that is. What am I saying? Don't mention that man's name to me. Oh, by the way, darling, who is this? Oh, oh. Hello, Jeffrey. Who do you want to talk to? Kalula? She just died. I'll tell her you called. Now here's something else of interest to you. For breathless moments. For your breathless moments. Chew dentine. The gum with breath-taking flavor. Dentine tastes so good. Dentine freshens your breath. Dentine helps keep your teeth sparkling clean and white. Dentine, the gum with breath-taking flavor. Before you go out and always after eating, drinking, smoking, refresh your breath with dentine. You'll love dentine chewing gum. For dentine has a wonderful tingling, nippy flavor that lingers on and on. It's delicious. And remember, dentine helps keep your teeth white, too. Keep dentine handy. You'll enjoy refreshing your breath when you chew dentine. So for breathless moments. For your breathless moments. Chew dentine. The gum with breath-taking flavor. Kalula, I overheard that phone conversation you were alleged to have had with one Jeffrey somebody. You know, the fellow with all the sisters and the mother who I hope has a good visualization. Oh, yes, Fred. Well, what about it? Well, Jeffrey was pretty lucky. I tried phoning you the other morning and I couldn't get past your hotel operator. If I can use your phone in Ethel Merman, I'll show you what happened. I smell a sketch coming up. Well, it's the new medium to Lula, smell a vision. Well, I guess nothing will stop you so Meredith, give them a little phone music, about a dime's worth for the first three minutes. Good morning, darling. At your service, darling. Well, I don't have to ask if this is the hotel where Lula Bankhead lives. May I speak to Miss Bankhead? Who's calling, darling? Fred Allen. Not THE Fred Allen. Fred Allen, the star of... Well? I'm trying to think of something. Are you a telephone operator or a critic? Will you let me talk to Miss Bankhead, please? It's very important. Oh, just a minute, please. There's another call. Miss Plaza, darling, good morning, darling. Hello, Ethel, it's me. Do we have a date tonight? Oh, Jake, I told you not to call me while I'm on the switchboard, Jake. The name is Jan. I'm an assistant buyer now. Hold the phone, Jan. I'm talking to Fred Allen. THE Fred Allen, star of... Well? I'm trying to think of something. Why are you thinking? I'd better get back to him. Hello, Miss Allen. Are you still there? Yes, I'm still here. How long do I have to wait to get to talk to you? Are you sure you don't know when the day is young? Yes, but I'm not. Now, let me talk to Miss Bankhead. Your three minutes are up. If you want to take another three minutes, you will have to deposit a nickel because the first three minutes are ten cents and for every three minutes after that, it's five cents according to the laws of the state of New York, approved in Albany in 1951 by the authority of the governor of the state of New York and outlined in the communication code paragraph three, subdivision one, B. Now look, Miss. C, footnote. Here's your nickel. I'll be another nickel for the next three minutes because it took three minutes to explain. Miss Bankhead's apartment. Are you ready to talk to her? Well, I'm ready to listen to her if that's what you mean. Oh, hello, darling. Miss Bankhead's butler, darling. Mr. Fred Allen wants to speak to Miss Bankhead. The Fred Allen star of... We did that bit. He wants to talk to Miss Bankhead. Well, just a minute, darling. I'll ask the maid if she's up yet, darling. Just a minute, Mr. Allen, darling. He's asking the maid if she's up yet, darling. Nope, she's not up yet, darling. Miss Bankhead is not up yet? No, the maid isn't up yet. Sorry, Mr. Allen, the maid's not up yet. I don't want to talk to the maid. Isn't there anybody else I can talk to? You can talk to Jan. Just a minute. I'll put him on. Hello, hello, Ethel. Do we have a day tonight? Jan, Fred Allen wants to talk to you. Who wants to go out with him? He's too short for me. Operator, I want to talk to Miss Bankhead. Deposit five cents for the next three minutes, according to the laws of the state of New York. Portland, Portland, we did that bit. Your time is up, and if you wish to continue... Portland, Portland, listen to me, Portland. Hello, this is the Portland Argon operator. What's on your phone? Operator. Yes? The other operator. Yes? No, no, the other operator, the one with all my nickels. No, no, darling, she's not up yet, darling. Oh, this is ridiculous. Deposit another five cents for the next three ridiculous minutes, please. What, is that you? Hello, Wessie, is that you? It's Ethel. I'm going with an assistant buyer now. Oh, hey, Jan. Look, I'd like to talk to Miss Bankhead. You're going with Jan? What happened to Jan and Alice? Didn't I tell you about me and Alice? May I please speak to Miss Bankhead? No, what happened, Ethel? Well, the other night, Jan called me up and he said, how'd you like to go for a ride in my car? Well, you know me, I always like to go for a ride, especially if it's in a car. Now, look, may I speak to Miss Carr? So there we were, riding in the car, Jan and myself. We're driving along, both sitting in the front seat, when all of a sudden, I feel a hand on the back of my neck. Well, for your information, Portie, I was really scared. Look, misinformation. Well, whose hand was it, Ethel? Well, I knew it wasn't Jan's hands, because I knew where they were. They were on the wheel. He was driving. And all of a sudden, I look around and I see it's Alice, and she's pointing a gun at me. Alice, what was she doing there? That's what I said. Alice, I said, what are you doing here? And she said to me, what are you doing here? And I said to her, I'm with Jan. Who are you with? And she says, I went with Jan long before you know him. Well, you've got to admire her nerve, Ethel. I never saw such nerve. There she sat, as cool as a cucumber. Warts and all. She says, you get out of this car, she says. She says, you should get out of the car. Yes, to me, her own sister. Well, what happened? Well, she points the gun right at my head, and suddenly there's a shock. Miss Bankhead's up now. Oh, Miss Bankhead's up now. You can talk to her. Now I can talk to her. Who wants to talk to Miss Bankhead? What happened when the gun went off? Another five seconds for the next three minutes, please. Portland. Hello, Portland Oregon operator. What number are you calling? I want Miss Bankhead. There she is. Go ahead. Hello, is that you, Toulouse? Fred Allen. The Fred Allen Star. I've got an answer for that now. Fred Allen Star of Telephone. And now here's Bing Crosby to sound off for Chesterfield. At the back of stores, they're forming cues from the Golden Gate to Newport News. The reason is no mystery. The biggest plus in smoking history. Mileness plus. No aftertaste. Mileness plus. Aftertaste in Chesterfield. That's right. Yes, science discovered what you can prove. You better get into the smoking groove. For Chesterfield now sets the pace. No unpleasant aftertaste. Sound off. For Chesterfield. Sound off. For Chesterfield. Try a pack of Chesterfields and do it. Today. In cities and towns, from coast to coast, more and more smokers are changing to Chesterfields. Soon you'll be hearing about Chesterfield sales in your hometown, increasing fast, because Chesterfields are much milder and give you the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste. That's confirmed by a leading research organization. So, sound off for Chesterfields. Try a pack. Today. Darlings, it's time for us on The Big Show who have shared so many big laughs, known so many big times, enjoyed the artistry and genius of so many big names to pay tribute to a big organization which does humbly so big a work and which stands as always in its fight for the cause and care of so many, in need of our biggest help and consideration. In the words of an inspired new song written especially for tonight's tribute, we meet again our friends, fighters in God's height, the men and women of the Salvation Army. Could you love the unloved, never reckoning the cost, giving them comfort and care? Could you seek the unloved in the legion of the lost, sharing their grief and despair? That's the creed of an army, a God-fearing army with banners and bunnets they come. Yes, to love the unloved in the spirit of the Lord. Marching with trumpet and drum with banners and bunnets they come. Yes, they come to us tonight as they have come without thought for snow or ice or rain or heat of summer streets to take up their stand, to preach the word of God, to do the work of God, to help ease the hurts of God's children. Could you love the unloved, never reckoning the cost, giving them comfort and care? Could you seek the unloved in the legion of the lost, sharing their grief and despair? To love the unloved in the spirit of the Lord. Marching with trumpet and drum and despair. And behind each soldier in the battalion of God stands the oath of the Salvation Army. We do solemnly promise to strive to return mankind to its saviour and for his sake to care for the poor, to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to love the unloved and to befriend those who have no friends. We promise faithfully by Christian example, holy living, boundless charity and loyal adherence to the principles and discipline of the movement to show ourselves faithful fighters in the Salvation Army. Mission completed. The word spoken. The word carried out. The Salvation Army returns. Marching with trumpet and drum with banners and bonnets, they come. Can't we do our part little though it may be to help them? The Salvation Army asks and needs our help. Let us give that they can love the unloved and to befriend those who have no friends. And now a big show citation to one of our own who composed and conducted tonight's moving tribute to the Salvation Army, banners and bonnets, Meredith Wilson. That's our show for this week, darlings. Be with us next Sunday when our guest will be Joan Davis, Phil Foster, Vera Linn, Claude Rains, Jean Sablon and others and of course our very own Meredith Wilson big show, Ocuson Chorus. Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you whether near or far away. Vera. May you find that long awaited golden day. May your troubles all be small ones and your fortunes ten times ten Fred. May the good Lord bless and keep you till we meet again, Portland. May you walk with sunlight shining and a bluebird Meredith. May there be a silver lining back of every cloud. Oh, Jan, fill your dreams with sweet tomorrow. Never mind what mine. Until we meet again and God speak to our armed forces everywhere. Good night, darlings. This portion of the big show has been brought to you by Anderson for a fast relief from pain of headache, neuritis and uralgia. By Denteen, the gum with breathtaking flavor and Beeman's pepsin, the gum that's great to chew and good for your digestion too. And by Chesterfield, sound off for Chesterfield for the first time you'll get the cigarette that's much milder with the added protection of no unpleasant aftertaste. The first half hour of the big show is presented by the makers of Reynolds Aluminum, the Reynolds Battles Company who also bring you the Kate Smith evening hour on the NBC television network. The big show is produced and directed by D. Engelbach and written by Goodman Ace, Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson. The chorus is directed by Ray Charles, special musical arrangements by Sidney Fine and Phil Moore. This is Ed Hurley, he's saying good night. Alice Faye, next on NBC.