 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. The Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnick. So hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are. What Abbott and Lou Costello. Well, it's about time you got here. Where were you? Well, I went to the YWCA girls place softball. And one girl was running the third base. She slipped and fell and landed in my lap. And boy, was I mad. Why? The umpire made me put her back in the game. Was she a pretty girl? Oh, pretty. Abbott, she was gorgeous. I mean, the day went after the game, and brother, did she send me? She did. Yeah, but when I got back, she wasn't there. Why do you keep annoying every girl that you meet? Who do you think you are, Casanova? Who do I think I am? Who do you think you are? Casanova? Casanova? I may not be Casanova, but people say that I'm as good looking as Van Johnson. Who says that? How do I know? Do you think I go around eavesdropping? Well, if she's such a pretty girl, why didn't you propose to her and marry her? I can't marry her. I don't know anything about her. What difference does that make? In Africa, a man doesn't even know his wife until after he marries her. What do you mean in Africa? Dope, you don't even know what marriage is. Yes, I do. Marriage is a friendship that got out of control. You shouldn't have any trouble getting married. Lo, you shouldn't have any trouble getting married. Do you know that out here in Hollywood, there are two girls for every man? Two girls for every man? Are you sure? Certainly. Then some dirty sneakers got four. You'll never get a girl until you settle down and become a man of regular habits. I am a man of regular habits. Then how come you were out until four o'clock this morning with that red head that lives next door? That's one of my regular habits. I... Costello, I can't understand how girls go out with you in the first place. Abbott, it's my terrific magnetism. You've got magnetism? Yes, last week I picked up two blondes, a red head, a brunette, and a rusty nail. Why don't you be like me, Costello? I've got a way with women. You haven't got a way with many lately. I happen to be the reason that women leave home. Yes, the day you were born, your mother took a look at you and she hasn't been back since. And they'll be back on it in just about one minute. But first, let's hear this. My uncle Mike was robbed while he was asleep. Paul, now wait a minute, how could your uncle Mike be robbed? He's got all his money sewed up in his long underwear. Oh yes, well it was a hot night and he left the back door of the bank open. Next page I'll find out why not. I've got plenty of reasons. Saturday night they arrested my uncle Jim Kelly. He broke into a grocery store and he stole $390. Why did he do it? The poor guy was hungry. Well, if he was hungry, why didn't he steal all, why didn't he steal all the money, Lou? Why didn't he steal some groceries or something? He's a proud man, Abbott. He likes to pay for everything he gets. And besides, he needs the money to buy a new car. Wait a minute, he'd be better off without a car. Costello, it's very dangerous driving in California. You're telling me? In Los Angeles you have to drive for five people. The one in front of you, the one in back of you and the ones on each side of you. Oh, wait a minute, that's only four cars. Who wears the fifth? She'll pull out in front of you any minute. He's got his own truck? Yeah, you should see it, Abbott. It's one inch wide and a block long. A truck an inch wide and a block long? What does he deliver in it? Spaghetti. It's pretty cool. Meatballs? B.R. Spaking any money in the truck and business, Lou? Oh yeah, she did so good last week that he bought his wife one of those new electric blankets. Saves her a lot of time around the house. Oh, wait a minute, how can an electric blanket help her with the work around the house? Well, she takes the eggs and the bacon to bed with her. And when she gets up in the morning, breakfast is ready. That electric blanket is making her very popular, too. What do you mean? Last night she turned it on too high and now... Yes? She's the toast to the town. Mr. Costello, Mr. Costello, I've got to talk to you. I've got a great idea. Wait a minute, Mr. What's the idea of breaking in here like this? Well, I've got an idea that will make you too the most popular comedy team in radio. What is it? I'll stamp your name underneath every cow in the country. Wait a minute, wait a minute, how will that make us popular? Well, at least you'll have all the farmers pulling for you. Susan, I'm certainly glad you showed up tonight because I'm going to sing a duel with you. Costello, you mean a duet. A duel is where somebody gets hurt. You never sang with me, did you? I don't like a brag, but would you believe that I taught Bing Crosby how to sing? No, I wouldn't. You're right, but once in a while I'd catch a sucker. Costello, you don't know the first thing about music. Well, I'll have you know what, I studied music. I went to a singer school. I used to study until I was blue in the face, and then the teacher presented me with a medal. For being the best singer in the class? No, for having the bluest face. Down at the beach, I bought one of those new French bathing suits. It comes equipped with a shoehorn and a hacksaw. Why did they give you a shoehorn and a hacksaw with a bathing suit? Well, the shoehorn gets me into the bathing suit, and after I wear it, I'll need the hacksaw to get me out of jail. Nice kid, Abbott. The only thing is she's money mad. Money mad? Yeah, she's mad because I ain't got no money. That's so wild. Remember, Costello, money isn't everything. You know, you can't take it with you. It's nice to have it here so you can say goodbye to it. You know, my family's always had money. In fact, my uncle Rudolph was one of the first gold miners in California. One day, when he was in the mine digging for gold, he was killed by a falling spade. A falling spade killed my uncle Tom. Was he a gold miner? No, he was killed by the ace of spades that fell out of his sleeve in a poker game. Well, Costello, you'll never have to worry about money as long as I've got it. We're pals. Share and share alike. Well, I feel the same way about you, Abbott. That's swell. You mean you'd share everything you have with me? If you had two cars, you'd give me one? Sure. If you had two houses, you'd give one of them to me? I certainly would. And if you had two department stores, you'd give me one? Yes, sir. We're pals. Share and share alike. Swell. If you had two dollars, would you give me one? No. Why? Because I've got two dollars. I'm trying to tell me that money means more to you than I do. I didn't say that, Abbott. Well, does it? Yes. That settles it, Costello. I'm going to my vacation to New Jersey. And I'm not taking you with me. Who wants to go to New Jersey now? When we were there last summer, the mosquitoes were so big they were carrying baseball bats. I woke up in the middle of the night, and two of them were sitting on my stomach holding a conversation. I don't be silly. The mosquitoes can't talk. Don't tell me these two were certainly chewing the fat. Only mosquitoes bite our female mosquitoes. Well, the one that nipped me when I was bending over to tie my shoe was no lady. The night your uncle Roy got drunk, the mosquitoes were biting him all night and it kept me awake. Well, if they were biting him, why did he keep you awake? Well, they'd bite him and then come over and sit on my bed and hiccup. Right. Still on second thought. I don't think I'll go to New Jersey. I need a complete rest where nobody would bother me, where the name but Abbott means nothing. Oh, you're staying in town, eh? I think I'll go to Honolulu. Last time I was there, I met a beautiful, made-up girl. She was gorgeous and what a figure. All day, she'd walk around carrying a big basket on her head, then at night she'd sneak off and she'd meet me. Ah, brother, she taught me plenty. She did? Yes. You should see me carry a basket on my head. And that? Have you been getting plenty of rest? No. And I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last night I didn't fall asleep till 11 o'clock. What time did you go to bed? Five minutes to 11. I... Castella, you need a... Castella, you need a vacation. You've got to stop running around with girls. It's affecting your brain. I think you're right about that. I know it. Last night I had a date to pick up a girl at Hollywood and Vine. I drove down to Hollywood and Vine. Then I went to dinner and all during dinner I felt as if I'd forgotten something. Then to a movie and all through the movie I felt as though I'd forgotten something. Then I drove to Griffith Park and I started to neck and I still felt as if I'd forgotten something. Then I went home and I remembered what I forgot. What was it? I forgot to pick up the girl. Uh-oh. This week at this time, the Abbot and Castella show presents our feature singer and here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Howell Winters with Maddie Malnick and his orchestra. I ain't going with her anymore, have it? We had an argument about mustaches. She likes them and I don't. You mean she wanted you to grow a mustache? No, I wanted her to shave her... shave hers off. I... I really like tea. Yes, and when we broke up I asked her for a picture of her face so I could remember her lovely teeth. Well, did she give you the picture? She didn't have a picture so she gave me the teeth. I... Have a leading lady now. Wait a minute. How about that little brumette actress? No, I'm mad at her too. We had a date at Hollywood and Vine last week and she stood me up. Did you tell her off? I'll say I did. I just... how dare you stare me up at Hollywood and Vine. And she said I was... she was sorry and now we have an understanding. You have? Mm-hmm. Now she's going to stand me up at Sunset and Vine. That's all I think this idea for doing detective stories is going to be a flop. You know nothing about detectives. Well, my whole family were detectives, but my uncle Tom was smart as a whip. But they threw him off the force. Why? They found out there weren't very many smart whips. Why did Tom really get thrown off the force? Well, if you must know, he was taking bribes. He used to put the money in his shoes and the chief found it out. If he put the money in his shoes, how did the chief find out? He got 18 inches taller the first week. Who else in your family were detectives? Well, my twin uncles, Gus and Billy, they joined the force on the same day. Billy's... Billy's first assignment was to find a gorgeous secretary who had stolen a million dollars from her boss. What was Gus's first assignment? To find Billy. Were any of the other Castellas detectives? Yes. Two of my cousins, Bert and Harry, they were working on a case at the racetrack. They had a finite gang that was doping horses. A difficult case? Oh, very difficult. Difficult then? Yeah, very difficult. Bert and Harry disguised themselves as a horse and slept in the stables. One night, a guy came along and jabbed him full of dope. What did they do? What could they do? They came in third and paid 280. They're a same shovel story for the night. It's one of my most famous cases. I call it the case of the boy named Tony, whose mother kept him locked in the closet, or Tony's home permanent. Sounds interesting. Well, let's get on with the case. Genuine four dicks. Do not accept March Field. Sitting in my little office down by the waterfront all by myself. Plain gin rummy the hard way. $900. And I'm worried. I know I'm not good for it. Being a private detective isn't a bad racket. I remember the first day I opened this detective office. I threw a party. What a party. I bought a carton of beer, and as I was carrying it up the stairs, I tripped. All the bottles were broken. Beer was leaking all over me. Everybody cheered and congratulated me. I had broken my first case. Something creeping up behind me. It slew tenon Abbot of the homicides. The man whose single hand had caught babyface Nelson, babyface Cooper, and babyface Brown, which wasn't too difficult considering they were all babies. Detective Abbot speaks. Why don't you pull up the shades? Okay. I will. Still dark in here. I know. I don't have any windows. There's a soap box for a desk. A rug made out of old newspapers. Yes, and you may not believe this. Lieutenant, five years ago I started out with nothing. I happened to be sitting on a chandelier I would have been killed. The detective business? Sure. If I'm lucky, I may get to be Ellery Queen for a day. If you wanted a tire, it's yelling for help. Occupy it. The universal international overseas interstate trucking company. Where do they ship to? Glendale. Next door and investigate. It may be the killer. Where do I get my weapons? My gun, my blackjack, and today's newspaper. Today's newspaper's a weapon? If I mess with the gun and the blackjack, I'll show him the headlines on the paper and he'll worry himself to death. The man on the floor. He's in trouble. What happened, mister? Does it hurt? I'm in the stool pigeon. He'll sell us the information. What makes you so sure he will? For money, Herman would sell his own grandmother. How do you know? I bought her three times already. Ten and Abbott and went looking for Herman the stool pigeon. Then I'm in a trip to the Los Angeles waterfront, the toughest part of town. What a tough neighborhood. The only place in Los Angeles where the pedestrians knocked the cars down. I was scared. Plenty scared. My throat was so dry I could feel the seeds in my Adam's apple. I drew my trusty revolver. I didn't know whether to put it in my holster in my pocket. Then I decided to check if the gun was loaded. I held it against my head and pulled the trigger. Putting the gun in the hole in my head, I started for the docks. Hey, you're just like that for... Hey, Detective Abbott. It's dark. I can't see you. I'm here on the wall. On the what? Wall. Wall. Wall. I can't hear a word you're saying as a dog barking someplace. Inside me. She was more beautiful than ever. She spoke. Hello, sir. Miss Waterfront. Call me Lil, you gorgeous hunk of man. Okay, Lil, you gorgeous hunk of man. That's the same. You've got to find out if she's a smuggler. Okay. Be sceptle. Don't let her know you're after information. Okay. Take it easy. All right. Okay. Lil, are you a smuggler? Not to turn me over to the police. Now, promise you won't turn me over. Why should I turn you over? You can't look any better on the other side. You're not. You'll never take me alive. Quick, Sam, put the handcuffs on her. An ambulance will take Sam to the hospital. No, no, not the ambulance. Sam, don't you want to go to the hospital? Yes, but I ain't riding a no ambulance through that Los Angeles traffic. A man can get killed that way. A final reminder on this subject. A brilliant performance of Sam Shovel tonight. Thank you, but Abbott. You're full of pep. Yes, sir, you certainly were effervescent tonight. Did you ever see me when I ever fussed? I know what happened to Baron Munchausen's writers. We've got them. Hi, Foreman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello. And our producer is Charles Vander. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. Listen each Thursday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station. Thank you.