 W.E.A.F. New York, 8.30 p.m. B.U.L.O.V.A. Bollipa Watch Time. See the 21 Jewel President. A bottle of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Just a moment, sir. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalon cost you less. So why not always travel on? This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon Time, featuring Radio's Red-Headed Ragamuff and Richard Redskeldon with Dick Todd, Edna Stillwell, but Hercules Van Dover, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strong in his orchestra opening the program with Chirichiribi. It's no longer necessary to pay popular prices for cigarettes to get popular price cigarette quality. Avalons are as fine as cigarettes money can buy. In fact, you couldn't get finer quality tobaccos in any other cigarette, regardless of price, regardless of brand. And still, Union-made Avalons cost 3 to 5 cents less per pack than other popular price brands. 3 to 5 cents less, mind you, and that's a very worthwhile saving. Friends, it's needless to pay more for your cigarettes. Switch to Avalons and save the difference. And now, ladies and gentlemen, with only 12 days till Christmas, I give you a man who would rather give than receive, a man who always gives everyone a present, Red Scouton. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't it wonderful how everybody got into the Christmas spirit? You know, I never forget last Christmas Eve. I went out for a walk in the snow, and all of a sudden I was hit by an automobile. On Christmas Eve? No, in the safety zone. The girl was a lady driver, but she had plenty of Christmas spirit. She jumped out of the car and she says, Gee, you're the first man I ever ran over. May I have your autograph? Well, that's what I call Christmas spirit. Oh, that ain't nothing. You should have seen the ambulance that pulled up. It was drawn by six reindeer. And the doctor hopped out. He was all dressed up like Santa Claus with a long white beard and a hypodermic in each hand. He took one look at me and he says, Well, little man, what will you have for Christmas? A broken armor of fractured skull. I says, two new writers. Then he crammed me down in the bag and he rushed me off to the hospital and he dropped me down in the chimney. And that hospital, what a jolly place that was. The Merry Christmas Dead by New Year's Hospital. Weren't you frightened, Red? No, everybody was in the holiday mood. One of the nurses fixed me a very lovely drink, a surgical cocktail. It was a can of ether with a cherry in it. And was then strong, I looked at him and the cherry was holding its nose. While I was waiting, I told a few jokes and after the second one, they started preparing a chloroform. How'd that get in there? And the doctor, oh, what a guy he was. He was a jitterbug. While I was on the table, he kept singing, shoot the turtles to me, John. I says, now wait a minute, doc. Why don't you fix my arm? My arm's what's broke. He says, I'm sorry, but we're pushing appendicitis this week. I says, all right, then take out my appendix. It's killing me. He says, you'll have to wait until midnight. We can't open anything till Christmas. Oh, everybody's in the Christmas spirit. I ask, how... Oh, dig Todd, ladies and gentlemen, our singing star. What are you gonna sing, dick? After all. Oh, that's from your... one of your new recordings, isn't it? Strictly off the record, though, folks. Sing, dick. I've had such a lovely star. We've built all our halls to the sky. I'm sure Santa Claus is gonna remember you this year. I didn't get anything in my stocking last Christmas. Well, is it my fault if you don't take them off before you go to bed? Is it Miss Stillwell? Is it true you're gonna dress up like Santa Claus and sing Christmas carols on Speak Corner? Yeah, isn't it? And I'm really gonna look like Chris Pringle. I'm gonna stuff a big pill in the front of my trousers. If you're gonna sing, you better stuff it in the back. Now, that's a nice way to talk to Santa Claus. I don't believe in Santa Claus. No? Well, suppose a nice old man with white whiskers would come up to your house on New Year... I mean, Christmas Eve, and gave you a mink coat. Would you believe in Santa Claus? I wouldn't believe any, but I'd keep my mouth shut. Edna, I don't know how you can talk that way. Have you forgotten what I gave you last Christmas? Oh, no, Mr. Skelton. That was a beautiful diamond ring you gave me. And I'll never forget how I cried. Yeah. When the installment collector took it back. Well, is it my fault if you don't keep the payments up? Oh, come in. Look who that is. Well, excuse me. Mr. Skelton here. Oh, yes, I'm Red Scout. What is it called? Well, I got a note for you from Miss Stillwell's brother, Roger. Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. Say, I've never seen you around here before. Who are you? Well, you know, Mr. Betty's valet at Rochester? Yeah. Well, I'm his brother's connected it. Really? I didn't know Rochester had a brother. Oh. We've got lots of them. Yeah? Yeah, there's Buffalo, Syracuse, Albuquerque, just a roll of corn seeds. Well, say, how come you've never been on the radio? Well, Mr. Skelton, there's so many good people on there. What chance have you and I got? Very funny. Say, I might be able to use you on this program. I'll put your name in my little black book. Say, how do you spell it's connected it? Connected it? Yeah. Well, it's connected. Yeah, connected. It starts with the S. Yeah, it starts with the S. Well, it starts with the S. Yes. Yes. How am I doing so far? You're on the right track, but you're dragging your heels a little. Well, it starts with the S. You know, then there's the S. Then there's the B. No, that won't fit. No, no, no. No, it can't use the B. It can't use the B either. Well, it starts with the S. Well, my middle name is Troy. Yeah. Well, all right. Connected it. I'll let you know if I need you. You're working for Roger, eh? Yeah, I help him when he's working on that typewriter machine. Well, do you type? No, I'm the carbon paper. Well, I'll have to keep him in mind. Oh, Bob Strong, have you got a number handy? Sure, Red. And I know you're going to like it. Why? It's the donkey serenade. Yeah. Okay, Bob Strong and his orchestra playing the donkey serenade in any similarity between the title and people on this program is purely coincidental. Play, Bob. Exercise and keep fit radio program. Well, I tuned in on it this morning and the calisthenics instructor said, Good morning, folksies. Now let's start off with our breathing exercise. Inhale and exhale as I count. One, two, one, two, one, two. Now, don't that make you feel better? That increases your chest expanse. Now, everyone switch to Avalon. That decreases your cigarette expanse. Oh, yes, friends, Avalon cigarettes do reduce your cigarette expense as much as one-third. You see, Avalon's costs three to five cents less per pack than other popular price brands. A very worthwhile saving, too. But without knowing the price, you'd never guess they cost you less. They're guaranteed highest quality. Truly, friends, you have so much to gain why not give Avalon's a trial tonight? Well, Del, you really gave out on that one. Mr. Scalton. Yes. What was that note you got from my brother? Well, don't spread this around, but I'm giving a surprise party on Christmas for the whole camp. You are? Now, your brother, Roger, is sending over here a caterer from the Stable-Built Hotel. The Stable-Built? Oh, that's a horrible place. What are you talking about? Their food's great. You can get a wonderful meal there for 30 cents. 40 with medical attention. And you're gonna have them arrange your menu? Yeah, that's probably the fella now. Come in. Well, I'm glad to see you. Well, are you the caterer from the Stable-Built? Well, I ain't a docile by-card-ness from the Rory 20. Thank you, Lees. I didn't know you were a caterer. Oh, my goodness, yes, Mr. Scalton. Well, I brought some samples of food over. Well, just try this. This is Chateau Brionnevec, Poumoudie Terre à l'indigestion. My goodness, what's that? Meatballs. No, I think I'd rather sample the soup. Oh, you'll be just crazy about our soup, kiddie. Just took your lips from one of these pots there. Yes, and I'll try this one over here. My, my, you sound like a suction pump. Now, which soup did you sample? The tomato soup or pea soup? I don't know. It tastes like soap. Oh, that's the pea soup. The tomato soup tastes like coloist. Well, I think we can eliminate the soup from the menu, right? Okay, stop. Now, would you like to try some of this corned beef hash here? Well, why not? My insurance is all paid up. Well, man, Harkie, what's in this corned beef hash? Well, it might be corned beef. It happened to us once before. Harkie, I'll bet you $10. This is horse meat. No bet. I never won on a horse in my life. Oh, come on. Get this stuff away from me. It's leaking. How can you cook in those pans? They got holes in them. What'd you say? I say, your pans have holes in them. Good to know. I feel a terrible drag. I'll stop talking off this wonderful meal with our special tea. It's imported from the wilds of Cicero. Is it good? Oh, it's a good way. It's mellow cake. Just try some. All right, you little old jitterbug. I'll try some. Harkie, I'm an expert on tea, and I can tell you just where this stuff came from. Well, where, Marty? It's dishwater, right out of somebody's sink. Yeah, but who? Don't worry, Mr. Skell, I'll have a nice menu for you. I gotta go now. I'm arranging a dinner tonight for the Chicago University football team. Yeah, what are you going to serve, Harkie? All the same diet they've had all season. For who's sake? So long, Red! Shadows are false at even time. The skies in the night are a shepherd's delight. The skies in the night are owned by a stream. And my heart, a shepherd's delight. Yet I'm long. I love those songs about the great outdoors. Ah, there's something about the woods that gets under your skin. Yeah, mosquito bites. Ah, but, Dick, there's something about the woods that makes you forget about mosquito bites. Yeah, snake bites. Yeah, but there's something about snake bites that gets under your woods. Now, work your way out of that one, wise guy. And now we come to our slice of life, a short playlist about things that really happen. You set the scene, Del. Okay, Red, tonight's slice of life shows the average married couple on a shopping tour. The wife, played by Edna Stillwell, is going to buy her husband a whole new outfit. The husband is played by Red Skelton, radio's fashion plate, slightly cracked. Come along, darling. Yeah? This is your day, and I'm going to buy you a whole new outfit for Christmas. Oh, gee. And you don't have to worry about a thing. No? This is on me. Oh. Give me your pay envelope. Yes. My darling, you took it out of my wallet last night. Don't you remember when you got your fingers caught in the mousetrap? That was 15 cents missing. What'd you do with the 15 cents? Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm just a playboy. Well, never mind. This is your day, and I'm going to buy you a whole new outfit. Here, let's go into mangles. Mangles? That's a lady's store, isn't it? Oh, well, all right. We'll go in the southern store and get you a suit of clothes. The one you're wearing is horrible. What's the matter with this suit? Gee, well, maybe the pants do droop a little. Droop a little? You could sweep the sidewalk with those things. Now, wait a minute, dear. Hey, let's go in here. This is just the kind of clothes I like. The old sloppy drapey shoppy. No, we're going into a regular department store. Now, come on. This is your day. My day. My day. Who am I, Mrs. Roosevelt? Come along. I'm going to buy you everything you need from head to foot. Information. Yes, madam. Where are the lady's dresses? Look, darling, I'm not wearing lady's dresses this season. They make me look too matronly. Say, don't you think I ought to get a hat first? Why, of course. Right at this counter, honey. Clerk, we want to look at a nice hat. Yes, madam, for your husband or something a little better. Darling, look at those lovely lipsticks over there. My day. What shades do you carry in this lipstick, Clerk? We have three shades, madam. Blushing bride, cherry red, and spanked baby. Spanked baby lipstick? Now that's going to the extreme. May I see this spanked baby? Certainly. Miss Brown, would you bring over the spanked baby? Yes, sir. Here it is. Spanked baby red. How do you like it? Oh, it looks good, but it fades awful fast. Well, listen, mister, we've had 50 customers today and the kids fagged out. All right, I'll take that lipstick. Look, darling, how about my hat? Remember, this is supposed to be my day. Oh, of course. Well, you go on over and buy a hat, but nothing too expensive. I'll be over here by the mink coats. Oh, boy. I'm alone at last. I'll see how I'm going to get a hat. Oh, Clerk, let me look at a nice hat. Yes, sir. We have a bargain in grand pianos today. No, no, I just want a hat. How about a nice shotgun? We have a special on them. With every shotgun, we give away a trousseau. No, I just want a hat. What you need, sir, is a pair of cotton gloves. Did you know that you can get rid of dishwater hands by sleeping in cotton gloves? No, I like pajamas. Yes, sir. What color? Brown. No, I want a hat. The latest thing for Miami. You don't need suspenders with these slacks. They fit right over your shoulders. Look, I had a pair of those last season and I didn't like them. They're too dangerous. Dangerous? Yeah, I nearly got my nose caught in a zipper. Now, let's see. All I want to do is to get a hat. And then to get one, what have I got to do? Write the present of the store. That's an idea. Where's the stationery department? Hey, you put the door. You keep stationery here? No. No, I'm on the go all the time. No, I'm in ladies' petticoats. Come and come over here. Darling, I've got a new coat, shoes, stockings, a hat, and a spring of pearls. Well, I guess we've got everything. Shall we go home? Look, dear, I don't like to bring this stuff, but if this is my day, it smells. I'm glad you reminded me. I've got to get some perfume. Well, wait a minute. I'll get the perfume. You go on over and get me a gray hat. Yes, dear, a gray hat. Look, fellow, I'd like to have some odida clona. What? A colona. Colona. Greetings, gait. Let's fill the gait. Not that kind of colona. Smell water. Here I am, dear. Did you get me the gray hat, dear? No, dear. They didn't have gray. So I got myself two dresses. Oh, that's fun. Two dresses? Well, goodness sakes. I can't even get a simple thing like I had. Here you are, bud. I got just the suit you want. One of our latest models with the built-in chest. It has a vitamin D woven into the cloth. Look, I wear my suits. I don't eat them. What a lovely suit. Mildew green with yellow stripes. Yeah, I wouldn't have it if I had a whistle and a lone ranger's gun with it. Try it on, dear. Oh, I don't want a suit. Now, look, I've stood about all I can. Don't anybody understand me around here? All I want is a hat. H-A-T, a hat. All I wanted was a hat. Well, why didn't you say so right this way? Do you mean I can actually get a hat here? Why, certainly. Oh. Now, how do you like this nice gray model? Oh, gee. I swell. You're building earmuffs there. Just what I wanted. Wrap it up, will you? Yeah. What's that? 5.30. Clear the store, please. Sorry, buddy. Give me that hat back. No sales after 5.30. You wouldn't dare. If you live in a city or state which has recently imposed additional cigarette taxes, don't just grumble about your increased cigarette cost. Do something about it. Switch to Avalon cigarettes and save yourself that tax money. You see, Avalon's cost 3 to 5 cents less per pack than other popular price brands. That brings your cigarette cost down to pre-tax prices. Friends, it pays you to switch to Avalon cigarettes no matter where you live because they give you unsurpassed quality plus real money-saving economy. Why not give them a trial tonight? Say, Edna, come on. I'll drive you home in my car. Your car? Yeah. Let's see. August, September, October, November. Yes, it's your car. Oh, what's the use? Good night, everybody. I'll see you next week. Goodbye now. Well, friends, we hope you've enjoyed our show and deal with us next Wednesday night at the same time. And the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation again presents Avalon Time. This is Del King speaking, reminding you that during the week when you asked for Avalon cigarettes... Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalon's cost only 10 cents plus city or state tax. 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