 I always introduce myself even though I know almost not I actually don't know everybody yet so I will introduce myself. I'm Mel Hauser I use she they pronouns and I am executive director at all brains belong for mom and welcome to brain club. We are thrilled to launch our first brain club of the new year. And let me just share screen. There we go. All right, so New Year's reimagined all year all year long I mean kind of all year long but all month long in particular. We're going to be looking at what is life reimagined look like because in 2022. Let's talk about how we need so reimagining. So, before we, before we start today's topic by way of orienting you to our community ground rules or community agreement. All forms of participation are okay here you can have your video on or off and even if it's on we don't expect anything of you you certainly don't need to look at the camera. Move each stem do whatever needs doing and everyone's welcome. You can communicate however you're most comfortable. And in addition to affirming all aspects of identity, we are all about creating a safe respectful environment protecting one another's access needs, creating space and time for everyone to participate however they're most comfortable. And just as a reminder, this is a general education about neurodiversity related topics. This is, we encourage everyone to access support groups and, you know, helping professionals and individual traumatic experiences are best processed outside of brain club. So we have a set of access needs closed captioning is enabled you just need to toggle it on, and depending on your version of zoom, either the lab transcript CC button, or the more dot dot dot, and choose show subtitles, and you can choose hide hide subtitles if you'd like to turn them off. So, all pretty much most of 2022, we talked about how the defaults of hold on speaking of access needs, I'm going to make Sarah my co host, because I'm getting distracted, hang on a second. Oh, there we go. I never remember to do this in time. Here you are, Sarah your co host to let the people in welcome everybody. So, all of the, you know, major social, you know, societal systems that are not working not only for the neurodivergent community but for most people. We've been talking about how in order to do anything for the neurodivergent community we must do everything health care, employment, education, social connection just like, you know, rehauling all of it. So, we, for the better part of the past six months brain club has been a lot of variations on the brain rules versus world rules theme brain rules being the cultural assumptions the things we tell ourselves that things we grew up with the things we assume are the way that they used to be, but they're not laws of physics they're not real world rules so just because it's always been a certain way doesn't mean it always has to be that way. So, I'm learning brain rules is what we think is part of reimagining a better life. And speaking of reimagining. We've got great news that our reimagining what's possible campaign, our, our community donor who generously is matching $25,000 we have an extension. So we are 87% of the way there. Once we reach 25,000 magically becomes $50,000. So, we have an extra month for reimagining what's possible. And we start today. So on this weekend on New Year's Eve, many, many of many of you were were with us. We focused on all learning the brain rules of New Year's resolutions on learning the brain rules of like what it means to, you know, new year new you. That's how about not new you, but how to become a more authentic you in 2023. So we're going to today we're going to play a clip from Saturday's presentation it's a conversation between myself and Amanda Deekman, who is a parenting coach and author of an upcoming book called low demand parenting. And what, then we'll have plenty of plenty of opportunity for discussion. But some of the themes that you hear about. Sorry, dust everywhere in my office because I have it because the brain rules of like vacuuming this room like I'm on learning most. Anyway, so some of the themes that came up in the New Year's Eve discussion. What is that around like alright so what are the systems what are the routines of my life that I, you know that I, I want to say yes to. And what do I want to let go. And that can sometimes be really hard to know what are the things that are actually working. And we talked about the idea of part of autonomy, being that of kind of choosing your challenge like challenge by choice not being forced to like, you know adapt to a situation or to practice a skill or whatever. But, but really, this, this is about when I'm ready, if I'm ready, I will, I might choose to, you know, expand my, my existence or not. So I think that since safety does come first. It'll, it'll be interesting to see as as for some of you watching us the second time for some of you the first time. You know how do these themes play out for you and what does the new year for you. What does that look like what what is a, what is, what is 2023 going to look like in your reimagined world. So I'm going to stop share and Lizzie is going to share the video. People are asking themselves and are invited encourage directed to ask themselves, who do I want to become. What you're really saying is flip that on its head and say, who am I, what makes me feel like me. Yes, that yes, and that is also thinking about how that supports me as a newly aware autistic person that if we bring in kind of a masking conversation like New Year's is also a heavy masking time where the mask is really reinforced. And I can see in years past if I look at old goals like you were talking about how a lot of your goals were around like continuous, like getting more organized and, and oftentimes that process is kind of like trying not to be who you are as an ADHD person Yeah, exactly like if I just solve this crazy brain of mine and like fix it, then I'll be like everybody else and I'll be able to do all the things everybody else does, which is a kind of masking and, you know, true also for PDA like if I could just get over my resistance and kind of change me on the inside so that I don't feel so radically other. If I could just be more sane, then I can do what everybody else does and fit in and feel good. And so the creeps up on you because like that way you're like, yeah, that's not what I want. I want not bad. But then like you're in it and you're like, oh it's happening again I'm doing the thing again where I wish I were resisting. Exactly. Because it's little stuff. It's like, man, it's, it's, it's hard for me to make a phone call for something that's important, because there are so many demands and making these automated phone calls. And so I'm going to avoid it. And it's going to mean that I don't get physical therapy for a couple of years because I need to make a series of phone calls right. And, but the new year new you says like, well, if I could just, if I could just do it, then I'd be fine. But that's also sort of saying like, well if I wasn't me, I could do it. Holy cow. Right. Anytime you're like, if I could just be a different person, then everything would be fine. Like that is, you're like, that's the first one. You'd be like, dude, you did it again. No, that is a brain rule. So the brain rule of if I could just be a different person, everything would be okay. Like if you use that threshold, almost always that can filter out like brain rule that is serving you or brain rule that is not. Yeah, if I could just is kind of your prompt for brain rule and brain rule that says something's wrong with me that I need to be different. And, and if we bring in Kaizen, like what the difference is, what would it sound like to ask instead, who am I, and how do I continue on my life's journey towards becoming myself. Then I ask that okay, I have this hip that needs physical therapy, and I'm having a hard time making a phone call. How do who am I, me having a hard time making a phone call and how do I continue on my life's journey well maybe it's I asked somebody else to make the phone call for me. Right that culture of interdependence because it's so I mean, I need to be independent I need to put adult, when really you're an adult because you're 18, not because of your executive functioning and hyper sensitive neuroception. So, so that like unlearning the brain rule of independence embracing a culture of interdependence knowing that there's like millions of people who cannot make that phone call and the good thing about neurodiversity is that we all have different brains and there are people who can make that phone call and who even if they can't make the phone call for themselves they can make the phone call for you. Yeah, exactly right like I probably could do it for somebody else. Right you could make you, you could, you know, interestingly, um, you could go on my list for the past three months is to call and make a doctor's appointment. You could call my doctor, not because of the therapist, it would probably be fine but I'm never, I know I'm never going to make that. There's another brain role that we're noticing about New Year's that says hide hide your struggles under goals to like what if we if if we instead just told the truth like instead of the goal being go to physical therapy in 2023 if my if instead I said I'm struggling with a phone call. And that was what the New Year represented was like unearthing our struggles in interdependence and trust that somebody can step in like whoa, then my need gets met and I do get my goal accomplished but but out of a whole, you know, in an interdependent system. The authenticity and connection are what's like helpful, even more so than even the medical appointment that I'm not having you know like it's it's it's about the, the, the, the more you practice being authentic. Exactly you are to keep being authentically you like it in the a to b village we call that naming the thing. So like all day long we name the thing, and then people are like oh yeah that that yeah yeah yeah I didn't necessarily have language to describe that, but the fact that it's been named and aired makes me more likely to feel less terrible. So we're naming the thing that's holding you back you're naming the struggle and in trust and honesty. And that then what comes to you could be support and connection and out of support and connection we can accomplish our goals, but not out of shaming and masking and, you know, pie in the sky goal setting in the absence of support like access needs. And I don't know if New Year's was about naming our difficulty getting access to the things that we really need. Right because when you tip look like when you name I can't I haven't I haven't made the phone call for for two years, and I have not made this particular phone call I mean like, we're currently it's basically like, yes, it's been many years. But like, you know, maybe I finally make the call for someone else while I'm on the phone I happen to make a medical appointment let's see you're like that's usually how that goes like I'll call for my child and then I'll somehow get an appointment and then I'll miss it because you know free. If the if the if the if the goal was not how can I even forgot my idea was my idea brain roll your dependence access. Oh, when you said I have not made that call automatically my first thought was, well it's because they don't have online bookings for them because it's not you who failed to do the thing it's the thing failed you. Yes, really revolutionary to because okay let's say new years. We don't participate we don't opt into the system that says it's just individual me setting individual me goals about getting better. Instead, we say, whoa, broken system harming me. I need something different from this system if we collectively did that once a year and like railed against the system that's harming us. So that would be a whole different new year, new year new us new year new system like new year new you is so. It's so limited and and it also actively keeps us in our place because we put so much energy into becoming different versions of ourselves that we aren't even asking. Well, why is, why is it so hard to be the authentic me about New Year's new us is you have to pick sometimes what is most important to you see if you say, um, you know, in a parenting context rate so like the release safety comes first, I choose safety, I choose safety in this relationship as my priority and you set that up on the pedestal that that you're choosing for it. And everything else that's not that fades away. And then once people come and they'll be like, well, I really just like this situation and like all the thing and they put on the gas and you're like, you have to pick. You have only you can pick. I'm not going to pick for you. But you have to pick and maybe the New Year's energy that says you have to be different than you are you have to be better than you are. And maybe that New Year's energy, we could flip on its head and say instead, there, there are trade offs. And what if this was a moment to align with who you really are. And in one small kaizen one tiny area of your life, say, this is what matters to me. Take a step on that action. And instead of it being like a whole, a whole big thing that happens around New Year's time, what if it was a really itty bitty tiny thing, but that started something in motion for you, that could build into something that you need and want. And, you know, for me, in our family context, saying something like safety comes first. And then saying it out loud to my kids, hey, safety comes first, and then saying it to my partner, hey, remember safety comes first, that that's actually a huge set for setting the trajectory of our year. And we can hold each other accountable to that. Accountability is another piece of New Year's culture that comes up that can often be weaponized, like accountability is sort of like, other people can tear you down if you're not. But yeah, when people are like, how will be accountable? I'm like, I hear the word accountable all upon you. Yes, exactly. Because it's been harmed. It's been it's been used as an agent for harm. But what you want it to be is to say, I've made a choice, I've made a hard trade off and decided that something is more important to me and I'm going to be open about that because that is my that is me that aligns with my deep sense of self. And in a culture of interdependence, I need your support. You're not keeping the accountable per se. It's, it's, it's, it's, I need your support to move one step closer toward this. Beautiful. Exactly. Exactly what it is. And then that could then on earth. And this is what's stopping me. This is what's getting in my way for taking that step. It's impairing my access. And could you help me get that thing out of the way so that I can take my step and what a, what a radically open posture to move into a new year with this is me. And this is what matters. I have this step and I'm blocked. Can you help me take my step. What do you do when it's the limbics it's your own limbic system that is obstructing you, and you have a habitual way of being in the world to say, You don't matter downstairs brain. Maybe the one step. This is where I love the concept of dropping demands. Maybe your one step isn't actually an addition. It's a subtraction. It's a saying, I'm going to let go. What a beautiful New Year's resolution. What are you going to let go of this new year. What are you going to not do that is just regulating your downstairs brain and giving you so much more to overcome to accomplish the things that do matter to you. In order to make safety a top priority. I'm going to let go of this weekly trip to the grocery store that is deeply unsafe for everybody in our family and it's causing like all of Sunday to be meltdown city. And I don't know how I'm going to replace it with food getting but maybe it will involve asking a neighbor if we could team up for grocery shopping or maybe it's going to be finding a person in the community who who could go get it and bring it to us. Like change the system feels so big. So, in many ways, I think a lot of the, a lot of people in the ABV village will be attending this brain club. I think it's like opting in to an environment that's safe. It feels less big than like creating your own system or changing the system even though like it feels if you want to, especially because for a lot of people, the environments that are unsafe are like the poor environments of their lives, like their family dynamic feels unsafe. And the work environment feels unsafe. Like, that is when when that's the case downstairs brain is constantly going to be sending off the smoke alarms, because that's its job, it's working very well. Coming back around to this is me. This is that the goal isn't to become somebody who smoke doesn't go off. The goal is to listen to the smoke as meaningful about something that needs to change in the system. It doesn't have to be as you would say all the things, it can be the one thing you can choose safety first, and then you can choose one step towards safety. And, and then invite in other people to help you access that safety in an interdependent way, not you have to do it all by yourself, and figure out all the answers know you could maybe your job is just to be the one who says, Hey, this doesn't actually feel safe to me, and I'm prioritizing my own safety this year. And so when environments don't feel safe, I'm generally going to opt out but I want to stay. So what can we do so that I can stay. And maybe that's enough to change a meeting culture or change a dynamic in a partnership or at least to open up the conversation like that would be a radical new year step. Holy cow I just had an epiphany. What is it so as a PDA or I often resist. Like obligations and expectations on me to go do the thing. I don't ever resist like a meeting I want to participate in, like I would never be like, damn it, it's 9am I gotta go talk to Amanda like I would never have that thought, I would like want to do the thing. So, it's also an element of like course downstairs brain would put the brakes on. If it's an unsafe activity. Absolutely. Yes, it's giving you a signal that there's something you need to opt out of. It's saying unsafe time to opt out. And that the thing that that's healthy, healthy to opt out of things that are unsafe, naming the thing, as opposed to like, it's like it's that over rehearsal pathway of like quitting is bad avoiding is bad procrastinating is bad you're You never ever want to do it. I never want to make that phone call. I never want to do it. It's terrible. It's it's uncomfortable. It's like, also the thing I'm booking the appointment for that appointment is not going to be useful to me. Maybe this is your permission to cross that off your list. It's something that I might make fun. It is what it is. But I think it's like you, you have to get there by having the paradigm shift first. I am going to not do things that harm me. Yeah, but the trade off the trade off comes like so if you are going to opt out of like your job, like the trade off is that you don't have income. And you may not be able to make a plan for alternate income, while you don't have access to your cortex. Yes, that's right. It's like one of my kids was really struggling and then was saying well I have to decide about this problem and I said you're not going to decide right now, you're not into deciding brain and yet we we think that we're going to be able to do it all at the same time like I'm going to I'm going to make a plan and I'm going to opt out of this system that's on that's harmful to me, and I'm going to tell everybody about help I need no we can't actually do it. It's like literally impossible. And that's another system we get to opt out of that, that you're going to do it all and do it well, all at the same time, when in reality downstairs brain is on fire. And so your whole brain is smoked clogged. You can't do all the things, but in interdependence what you can do is tell the truth to the people in your world and say I'm on fire right now. And all I can see to do is opt out of this thing that matters to me, but I need help because there's trade offs and here's where it's going to hurt. Can you help me sort out a plan for the next couple of weeks until so that I can put out my some of my fires. And then I'd like you to help me think what what is next for me right when I have when I have access to my upstairs brain we can do the work of planning and problem solving. And that's really about creating an interdependent community of authenticity and vulnerability, and that's really new year new us. So, when you can recognize that an environment is not only not serving you, but harming you, and you resolve to lose it. Yeah. Okay, cool. Not a bad reimagining yourself. It's about reimagining the environments and routines of your life and opting out of them. And opting into routines and values that are your authentic self and bringing that into relationships and saying this is me and I'm going to be me this year. So if you unshare perfect. Okay. Yeah. So, how about that. I, I wonder, you know I have a, I have there's a lot. Hi Claire, hi Anna. I wonder what does everyone think this year is going to be like for them. Or is there anything that you just heard that maybe inviting some reconsiderations of like, I don't know what I'm going to do differently this year to to feel more like me. All right, Kelly says it's going to be a good year. I decided it. Oh, I love that. That's awesome. I could go now. This is Christian. So I think I really only like self diagnosed as autistic like the summer when you guys had that, like just before the summer, when you guys had that event. Anyway, since then I've kind of been like really noticing what triggers my sensory issues and what triggers like, like responses in me that make me feel unsafe. And now I feel like I just have now that I have the ability I feel like it's okay to say no to like things that. So I think it's more going to be more of like no that doesn't work for me this year, which I, you know maybe that's less, less stuff that I do. That's right, maybe it's going to be less stuff that you do and for that and to like anticipate that and say like you know I'm predicting that if I'm going to opt out of more things. I might be doing less stuff. Because I'm opting out of it and or maybe it's my it's like actually more authentic to be doing less stuff. Maybe that. On New Year's Eve someone brought up the fact that kind of once you kind of discover some things and start to show up in an unmasked state it's like really hard to go back. And that is definitely my experience also of like, yeah, I sometimes it's I don't have the executive functioning skills to code switch to like show up and adjust so way to accomplish my, you know oblique angle. Um, you know that that that's also true but then sometimes it's like I don't, I don't want to. I just don't want to, I'm just gonna name the thing and I only want to be in environments that feel safe around people who get it. I think that's what my 2023 is going to look like. It'll be a lot of things I don't do anymore. Reading in the chat. Say no and also say yes when people offer to help, which I've only recently that myself do. Thanks Lauren. Yeah. COVID allowed me to manipulate my environment a lot now I'm having a hard time masking. Yeah, you've got some you got a lot of you got a lot of a lot of yeses to that. And so I think it's about, I think I, I, if you can't or don't want to go back, I think it's about, you know, like Amanda said, opting into the workflows and routines and environments that do make you feel safe and authentic and kind of refusing to settle when that's not there. And it's a, it's, I almost feel like the amount of privilege like it's such a privilege to be able to say, yeah I'm just not going to do the things that are unsafe like that. I mean, I, that is, there's so much privilege in that. And it's not 100%. And it won't ever be. And I still have more of those environments and have more autonomy than most other people. And one of the other topics that came up at on New Year's Eve is that an audience member shared that they've been working on, like, like insulating building safety from within, like some specific strategies around how do I actually feel safe in environments that I either can't leave, or that I'm not choosing to leave. How do I help myself feel safe when it's challenged by choice. And I want to, I want to be in this. And it's really hard. I think it's about just transparency when possible. This is who I am, this is what I need. Any other people have, have thought about that. Yeah, the, the Christina is asking in the chat what suggestions about what works them to feel safe. And they, they talked about some visualization, like some kind of imagining some, this is a different person somebody else talked about like I'm just imagining like a bubble, or like an energetic layer around them. And people talked about like, and kind of courtically thinking about like, I'm in it for this relationship or I'm in it for this other thing and that was and actually that was the topic that I put on that slide of reflection about and I remember as a little being like, yeah, there are things that are like, you know, they're, they're, I'm kind of aware that they're not physically unsafe, but they're cognitively unsafe. But maybe there's something in it for me, like maybe I'm going to do the thing, because there's something on the other side of that that I actually want I'm not just enduring it it's that I actually want that thing. And this is the only bridge that I know between me and the thing I want. So somebody talked about something similar like to that. I don't know if, if, if others have anything to add. But, but in the meantime, Kelly Kelly shares this I shared it New Year's about finding a meme that spoke about realizing your zebra not a strange horse. It suddenly made me flash through 46 years of seeing myself trying to fit into a horse costume, and hiding when my stripes would show through the scenes and this year I shed the horse costume. Thank you Sarah and Lizzie for reposting the community ground rules. And Kelly is also adding, I feel safe I remember I can leave at any time and I gave myself permission to leave. Yeah, I love that. You know, I, and I think that well that strategy, I mean even in my five year old. You know she needs to know that she can leave at any given time she's know that there's no expectation on her that like, you know we're going there we're going there with the purpose of watching the thing observing the thing. You don't have to do anything no one's expecting you to play or do or be. And just naming that goes a long way. But it's got to be real, you can't say it if it's not true. It's just the environment's risk. People are expecting you to do the thing and be the thing. I'm reading the chat Emily shares I realized that I feel safest wearing jeans and a hoodie in my van so I give myself permission to wear those as many places as possible for example including church, where the brain real say somewhere something nice but I challenged that and said why. Yeah, that is a great example of a brain rule of all of the, you know it's interesting. We're going to talk a little bit about this later in the month when we talk about life reimagined in the workplace, but you know, now people work here. So we had to do like some of the world rule things like having an employee handbook and when we looked at like some samples are like having this. And you know, there's, there are like some world rules of conduct like violence harassment bullying. Hey, um, but the brain rules of like you, you show this dress code and you do this stuff in this way. Brain rules. And dress as a safety trigger if I wear my cowboy boots I feel invincible. When I lived in New York City I used to I used to have a lot it's kind of funny to think about but I used to live in New York City and I had like a student heels job for for medical school. And when I wore my spike heels. I was I was invincible. It was it was definitely part of. I think there's so much about like costume and, and, you know how you show up that that goes that that goes a long way as long as it's authentic. And people show up in, in a certain way to present to the other to the outside world because it's, it's, they, it's, it's a, it's a survival strategy. I show up in this way because otherwise it's not safe. So that's, that's there's there's all these different layers to that. What about for others, what's this year going to look like to be your authentic self in 2023. I asked Luna, Luna said, I'm not doing the thing in 2023. That's my baby. I think I this year. I think I've been in the practice of basically trying to figure out how I could fit in to the world. And so this year, I think because of like a baby community, like I feel like I have a place to fit in and so this year it's going to fit into my own life. So, so I think I've been neglecting like a lot of health things and so this is like my year of health but not from a place of like doing better actually paying attention to myself. So I think that's like the thing, the, I'm trying not to like be a better version or like, you know, but I'm actually just trying to be there. So I'm like waking up in the morning like five in the morning to go for a swim and I'm getting so much dopamine in a way because I don't feel so compounded by the expectation I've put on myself to like be a good family member or be a good friend. And I'm just having the thought of like, if people want to come into my world they can come into my world because I've for so long have gone into their world. And that world just was never safe for me. So, I think that's kind of how I'm flipping it for myself this year. I love that I'm so proud of you. I mean, it's, it's, it's a long hard journey of like on learning decades of a narrative. And in, or in the big scheme of things in a really short order time think about think about how far you've come already. I was adding in the chat. One thing I've been working on is recognizing when I say yes to something I'm also saying no to something else like when I agree to go to an evening meeting for work that means saying no to dinner with my family and tucking my kids into bed instead of telling myself. I'm going to say no to more things I'm telling myself I'm going to say yes to the things that really matter, which means that I'm willing to say no to make sure that happens. I want to be more authentic on social media because others being authentic on those platforms has helped me in my family so much. I want to use social media to serve others like others have by opening up and sharing. Oh, I love all of this. And you know social media is such an interesting phenomenon in 2022 this is how so many neurodivergent people find community and how so many late identified neurodivergent people like discover themselves in terms of reading things that other or listening to things that other people name. I remember when I first autistic. I remember like for the first time seeing like my innermost thoughts like articulated with great precision by a stranger in an infographic and being like what. Yeah, that that. I guess that means I'm going to be making more videos of my unclean toilet for social media in 2023 challenge accepted. Joan sharing yes I was just diagnosed ADHD at 42 years old and it was social media that helped me cool. Yeah, that's awesome. And one of the, the things that came up at at New Year's Eve green club was around. Well, how do I tell the difference between like what I'm anxious about and what's truly unsafe. Think about that. I don't think there is a ready answer I'm just curious what people think. I don't know I don't know how much difference there needs to be between that. You know, like, if something's making you anxious that is a trigger that it's unsafe for your nervous system. I think the next question is, can I work within this, this, this regulation can I stay within my own. I can't relate myself and stay within my own zone of regulation if I do this or is it going to bring me out of that it's going to bring you out of that then it's unsafe and anxiety provoking. Totally, it's not worth it. I think it's also about like, do I want to be here. Do I want to be in this environment like you can be in environments like this, this in social situations something can be stressful and anxiety provoking, but you still want to be there, you're not necessarily forced to be there. It doesn't feel good because nothing feels good, per se, and it's like a lot of practice as an I, you know, I know there's an out I can leave but like I want to, I want to try this out longer. That's, that's I think different than this environment is invalidating the people in this environment are making me feel bad about myself, which is how many environments are for many people. In the chat. Kelly staying. For me it's fighting against the narrative that anxiety is irrational let's come back to that. And I start fighting with me over people search. Oh, I see fighting the narrative over being irrational instead of tending to the thing that is causing the anxiety. Like I'm mad at the symptom in place of the cause. Yeah, I mean there is this like over glorification I think of rationality brain rules are cognitive self regulation we make up narratives to make the world make sense. And if they serve you keep them they don't have to be rational. And if they don't, you can choose to let them go. And if Sarah's adding. This is a relevant conversation having just come off the holidays around excited family yeah I think that's true for for many people myself included. Christina says I think if I want to be there I'm more likely to come up with tools and resources to help if I don't want to be there, then I can't come up with those resources. Oh yeah that's relevant for me for sure. Thanks for sharing there's a wonderful book called avoiding anxiety and autistic children. That book is on my shelf at the office, I have not read it yet the authors autistic. These are books I love. Yes, I found it helpful for both myself and my kids I'm going to read it. Thank you and thank you for sharing link. I got a text from a colleague it feels super relevant so I'm sharing 2023 motto. I got a click on it so I can see what it says so it says, I'm pleased to announce that I'm no longer behind on everything. I didn't catch up I just decided that where I am isn't behind. Oh that's awesome. I love that. I just retweeted that just retweeted that and books name is a card amazing. That's awesome. We could totally do a book club on that book if anyone's interested because I haven't ever like I read it and I'm like I want to discuss this with somebody. Yeah, so starting in February, we are going to start doing I think it's going to be the fourth week of every month is going to be book club brain club. We'll put this on the list we have some others ahead of it in the queue but I think that'd be so cool. So the cool thing about book club brain club is that no one has to read the book you come anyway. And so like we'll have like video clips will have like whatever we can find about the things that people want to read the book awesome but anyway it's like there's no right way to do book club nearly you don't need to have engaged with the book like at all. So, um, yeah. I by request of our community advisory board. I'm excited for book club brain club. It makes me so happy so do that wasn't a sentence but you got the point. Yeah, Laura sharing the idea of book club simultaneously makes me excited and stressed right because of all of the lived experiences of being like you well read that thing and you have failed to measure up to the right way to participate in your recreational activity. So it goes on. So next, next week at brain club. Anybody remember what next week is let's look again and see what next week is. Home life reimagined home life reimagined in in typical ABB style. We have not yet recruited our community panel. We're going to have a community panel on people who want to talk about how they're how they're how their lives are different since they've been on learning and reimagining and and and if anybody wants to be on the community panel. We would love that. Every week we'll just recruit for the next week. You can just shoot me an email. Yeah, and as as as if you're new to brain club. If anyone does what does want want to speak it can be synchronously or asynchronously we we we love pre recording videos. Anyway, we can do we can do all the thing if anybody wants to play reading in the chat Emily says most book book clubs end up being about wine which I don't drink and gossip which I don't enjoy instead of the actual book a different experience be amazing. Yes. Yes. It's interesting. Earlier this year I gave a free talk for a local nonprofit as an early childhood group. And I was supposed to be they want me to do like a parenting talk and I was like I don't want to do parenting talk because there's no right way to be a parent. I was like, but they're like but the people want to be told what to do and I was like, I'll do book talk, except I'll just summarize the book so I titled it, you know, three parenting books you don't have time to read and now you don't have to. And I like just kind of like obliquely screwed some of the take home points and I really just talked about neurodiversity and how there's no right way to be a baby or parent. And that's all I really like to talk about. So anyway, um, but people, I mean it was packed. It was so packed because people wanted to be told to do the thing. And they were maybe a little disappointed that I didn't tell them how to be a parent, but like it's amazing to me how many, how many books are like prescriptive about life, whereas like, I just like reading people's stories and people's experiences like so those those are the books that we're going to engage in book club brain club. Joan says Amanda Deekman sharing her low demand home life on Instagram is saving me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah we shouldn't we should see if Amanda's free that's a good idea. Yeah, Amanda so Amanda presented at brain club. She had this asynchronous thing today. Amanda was a live presenter in November on brain club that'd be that'd be really cool. And maybe actually you know what, maybe Amanda, if she's not free. We could probably just, we could just read we could include her, she did a she was live in November brain club but there was a prerecorded video that she also made with me. We could, I think we should use that I think that'd be great. That's awesome. Yeah, run away from every any self proclaimed parenting expert I agree Travis I told yeah I totally agree. Yeah, um, and what before I learned I was autistic I used to say that the only expert in parenting an autistic child was an autistic person. And then like, when I received my autism diagnosis I like for the first time allowed myself to parent intuitively it was like because I met my own brain rule. And which was like fascinating that it made that big a difference, because I had this brain role. Sarah Sarah. And a quick thing on the prescriptive thing is a really interesting research study out there that was done by the Nursing Association, or some some nursing international or National Nursing Association. And what they did is they did it on pilots they did on beginning pilots and they had expert pilots write instructions for beginning pilots to follow. And when the beginning pilots follow the expert instructions. But then they had experts follow the expert instructions and they flew works. So the conclusion basically was is that when you're new at something or you feel like you just overwhelmed or you don't know what to do prescriptive stuff is really helpful. But once you start to gather some expertise. There's a whole variety of strategies in between prescriptive and just totally letting the person who has developed something into an art, do their own thing because they'll do it wait better than you can imagine. So anyway, that's amazing. That's really cool. So with that. Thank you all so much for coming and we look forward to seeing you next Tuesday.