 Hello my YouTube family. Welcome again to another NARC Survivor Live video and in this one we're going to be speaking about how narcissists feel when you leave them first. Because we know how narcissists always like to be in control. They want everything to be on their terms and in the order that they prefer rather than things being done in the way that you might prefer. So they've always got to be in control and when you leave the narcissists first you have just completely ruined their plans for you. And what were their plans? Their plans were to completely exploit you and use you up and then discard you when they're done with you. Throw you away like a piece of garbage. Yes those are their plans for you. So when you leave them first you have just completely ruined their plans and now they don't get the chance to do that to you. So they're going to feel like they have missed out. As though they failed to take advantage of some amount of value that you had by you leaving them first. And they're going to look at it as though you abandoned them and you ran off with everything that you are. The energy and resources that you still had left that you could have given to them because they do have their sense of arrogance and entitlement. They expect the world from you. No matter what you give to them it is never enough. They always want more. They never satisfied even though they may not have done anything for you and all they did was abuse you. They're still going to be expecting more. And they want to decide when it's done. They want to decide when it's finally all over. When they're finished with you. Not when you're done. Not when you've had enough. Not when you can't take it anymore. Not when you're fed up. When they're done with you. Once they've finished using up everything that you are. Everything that you've got. And then they want to discard you. Then they want to get rid of you. But when you leave them first it's like you've still got some energy left. You've still got some positivity. Some hopes and ambitions for the future. Things that you might be building after you have left and moved on. And not only that but you may have some money. You may have your own home. You may have a car. You have all of these things that they didn't get to take advantage of. That they didn't get to use before you left. That they could have used and taken advantage of had you not left. And they're not going to be looking at everything that they did to you prior to you leaving them which may have caused that to happen. They're not going to be thinking about that at all. What they're going to be thinking about is your reactions to the abuse. They're going to be focusing on the effect rather than the cause. As illogical as that may sound because of course the effect likely would not have occurred if there was not a cause. But this is just how delusional narcissists are. This is how they think. So they're going to be looking at your reactions to the abuse. Your gray rocking, maybe giving them the silent treatment, ghosting them, discarding them. They're going to be looking at that. While you may be thinking something completely different, you may be thinking, I just can't get any more all of the things that they've done to me. They drained me of my life and energy. They used up all of my resources. And I can't do it anymore. I can't keep this relationship going on my own without any reciprocation. So now I've got to leave. I've got to get out of this before it gets worse. Before it takes me down completely. And of course, that's how a normal person would think. Especially after you've tried everything already. You've questioned them, you've confront them. You've tried to hold them accountable. But whatever you do, it never changes anything. It doesn't cause them to want to adjust their behavior or to treat you any differently. Or to even look at the situation in a different way. They just want to carry on the way that they are. The way that they're doing things already. Because it's getting them what they want. And they don't care about how it's affecting you. And at some point, you begin to realize that that no matter what you say or do, it's not going to change anything. They're going to keep on doing the same things without any consideration for you. And by realizing that it's what makes you want to leave. Because you understand that you have no power in the situation. Nothing you say or do is going to change anything. It's not going to make any difference. Because it's not you, it's them. They are the ones who need to change. You've been doing all of these things for them all of this time. You've been taking care of them. And you just can't do it anymore. You can't sustain it on your own. So they've got to step in. Or they've got to step up rather. They've got to do more. But you realize they're not going to do that. And that is why you decide to leave. Of course, even when you leave, they're going to blame you for that as well. It's like a double bind. It's a lose lose lose situation. No matter what you do, they're going to blame you. Even if you stay in the relationship until they completely drain you of everything you have. They will find a way to blame that on you. And even if you leave before it gets to that point, they're going to blame you for that too. It's going to cause a narcissistic injury and then they will seek to punish you to bring you down. They may triangulate you with a new source. In some cases they may come back to try to love bomb you again if they think that you're still susceptible to them ablation. Or they will stalk and harass you. There will be core battles. Or they will gossip about you behind your back. They will start a smear campaign against you. They will do all of these things. In the efforts to punish you. To make you feel regret. To make you feel like you just made the wrong decision. As though you should have never left. So you were better off with them. As it may play on your mind, it may create this cognitive dissonance where you feel like what if they were right? What if you would have been better off if you had stayed with them? But in fact that wouldn't have even wouldn't have even been an option. Because you just couldn't take it anymore. You couldn't deal with the abuse. You couldn't deal with the constant fights and arguments. So you had to leave. There wasn't anything else that you could do. But they don't want to be left feeling like they weren't good enough for you. Or as though they did something wrong. So of course they're going to deflect it onto you. They're going to blame you for everything. They're going to gas like you. They're going to make you feel like it was your fault. They're going to make you feel like you should have made a different decision. They're just going to put it all on you. They're going to hold you accountable for everything. Because of course that is what narcissists do. At the end of a relationship with a narcissist it doesn't matter if you discard them or if they discard you. Either way they are still going to blame you and that is how you know that you would deal with a narcissist. Because any normal but that will happen with a narcissist because they do not want to self reflect. They don't want to have to change. They don't want to be better. They want you to be better for them. And if you can't be any better for them then they will they will want to destroy you. They will just want to take you down. So this is what happens when you leave them first. It's not how you might think. It's not like you can just leave them and start a new life. You can start again a fresh new start. I mean of course that may be how we might like it to be. After all of the suffering after everything we've been through that may be our ideal vision of the future. But that's not how it's going to pan out when you're dealing with a narcissist because that is the last thing that they want to see. They do not want to see you moving on with everything that you are and everything that you have and you being happier and living your best life without them. They do not want to see that because that's just going to remind them of their own failures and shortcomings in the relationship because of course by that point it becomes indeniable. It's like if all of these things were going wrong for you while you were with them then how can you be better off after you have left. So of course they do not want that to happen and that is why they have to bring you down. They can't just let you move on as you are and start a new life without them. They have to prevent that from happening and this is why you do need to be very cautious when you do leave because they can be very unpredictable. You never know how they might react. They are going to see it as though you are abandoning them. They do not self-reflect. They do not look at their own actions so they're not going to think that it's because of something that they have done to you. They lack self-awareness. They're just going to see that you are abandoning them and they have this entitlement to everything that you are and everything that you have so they're going to be very jealous. They're going to feel like you're taking something about you away from them and yes that may even be yourself because they view you as an object. They view you as an extension of them. They see it as though they own you as though you belong to them and as though you have no right to leave. You have no right to make your own decisions for your life. That is how they see it because once they've been with you they see you as their possession as though they have the ultimate authority over you as though they're as though you're like their child and as though they're your parents they're in charge. You must obey them. You must be obedient, submissive but it's like they're actually just the child who wants to be the parents and in fact they are an unruly child of that. The very undisciplined, the very immature, very childish, the very impulsive and reckless and yet they want all of the control without any accountability for their actions. That really is a recipe for disaster but that's just how they want it to be that's how they expect it to be and they expect you to see it the same way. They expect you to let them to be this unruly child who gets to do whatever they want, whatever they want to do it without having to be held accountable for it and while having total authority over you and also having this double standard where they get to do whatever they want but you have to obey their commands. Yes, this is what narcissists want and it's like this unwritten contract when you get involved with them this unspoken agreement but this is what they demand and expect from you and they expect you to let them use you up, abuse you gaslight your mind into submission and completely drain you of everything you have run you into the ground until you've got nothing left only so that they can then discard you and move on to someone else blame you for everything and spread this false narrative about you to everyone that they know and everyone that you know to completely destroy you and ruin your life. Yes, that is the unwritten contract the unspoken agreement that you sign up for when you get involved with a narcissist as crazy as it sounds that is exactly how it is and it's a contract that you did not verbally agree to it's a contract that you did not sign but this is just how it is with them they've already got it made up in the minds and they won't even tell you about it but this is their plan from the very beginning they already saw you as something temporary and they already knew exactly what they were going to do to you and there's really nothing that you could that you can do to change it unless you're in the love bombing phase and you just disappear without a trace because once you get into the devaluation it's already all over for you after that then they're not going to let you go without a fight they're going to take you down they're going to make you suffer they're going to punish you that's why it's very important for you to protect yourself you need to be researching this information so that you understand this disorder you need to set strong boundaries you need to create separation distance between you and them and you may need to establish a support network as well people who are there for you people who you can trust people who you can confide in and talk to yes this is what you need to do and you need to document everything as well in case they do try to drag you through the courts as we know with narcissists that is typically what they will do so that is my advice and as for leaving the narcissist first I don't always advise for victims to do that because as I said narcissists can be very unpredictable you never know how they might react what I would advise is for you to speak to a therapist or coach first before you make that decision because they can speak to you about your individual situation and they can tell you whether or not they believe that it is safe for you to leave the narcissist because it may not be safe for you to do that and in most cases it will make things a lot worse I'm not telling you to stay I'm not saying that you have to remain in this relationship with the rest of your life I'm not saying that at all I'm just saying that you need to speak to a therapist or coach first because they've got a lot of experience so they can help you with this and I myself I've been studying this disorder for over six years so I'm definitely someone that you can trust someone who you can confide in I've got a lot of experience and you can book a one-on-one with me anytime whatever you're ready just head to my website it is narcsurvivor.co.uk and if you found this video helpful please do give it a thumbs up down below it helps youtube algorithm to get this message out there to other survivors as well let me know what you thought about this video in the comment section hit that subscribe button and click all notifications to be notified when I upload a new video and if you would like to donate you can leave a super chat down below a super thanks in the comment section or you can go to my paypal it's paypal.me slash narcsurvivor and also you can follow me on instagram it is narcsurvivor youtube thank you all for joining me on another narcsurvivor live video I appreciate your support and as always I look forward to talking with you in another live video very soon