 A. M. D. L. S. That's right, folks. B for comedy. A for Abbott. M for Maxwell. B for Ennis. L for Lou Costello. Yes, they spell camel. Your taste will tell you about camel's rich, full flavor. Your throat will welcome camel's cool mildness. So draw up a chair for tonight's camel show, starring but Abbott and Lou Costello. What happened to you? Oh, yeah, why are you late? Oh, am I in trouble, Abbott? I drove my car to a red light. They're going to find me $2,000. Oh, ridiculous. They can't find you $2,000 for going through a red light. Oh, no. This light was in a drugstore window. Hey, that's terrible. Yeah, they also want me to pay $300 for course. What are the course for? Well, when my car hit that drugstore, I tailed over to windshield and slipped down a long soda fountain. In route, I knocked over eight mullet milks, six banana splits, a bowl of tuna fish salad, and I wound up on a toothpaste counter with irium and Miriam. Hey, wait a minute. Anything else? Yeah, the policeman took my Boy Scout knife and my Lone Ranger revolver out of my car. Costello, why do you carry a knife and revolver when you drive a car, so I can shoot up one street and cut across the other? Hey, Costello, are you one of those Hollywood drivers, Lou, who drives like a madman and pays no attention to the pedestrians? Or are you the other kind? What are the kinds? There's others? Yes, there's others. Where were you going in such a hurry? Well, I had a date with one of those powers models. She had one of them funny names. Was it Candy Joan? No. Chili Williams? No. Chuchu Johnson? No. I got it. Tower Cream Shapiro, right? Tower Cream Shapiro, yep. Say, she's the most popular girl in this deck of the wood. Any girl that's next in the wood must be popular. But I ain't going out with this girl no more. She lives in Glendale. And over there, they've got a 12 o'clock curfew. Well, they have a 12 o'clock curfew in every town, Lou. At noon? Costello, the other day, you get more stupid. How can you be such a consistent idiot? I've got a charge account. What's your excuse? What's my excuse? What's your excuse? No, just look at you. Your appearance is disgraceful. Look, why didn't you wear that new shirt I gave you? I can't. The color is too high. Every time I hiccup, my head disappears. I don't know why you're ever coming here tonight. Well, I have to have it. Why? All my little kid friends, they're all waiting for me to tell them a story of one of those famous stories I always tell them. Only tonight, I'm going to tell them about Aladdin and his wonderful lamb. Well, do you know? I'm going to tell them right now. The only thing is, Abbott, I ask you to keep your mouth quiet and shut up, and you don't say nothing. Oh, no, no, no. Now, you don't interrupt me at no time at all while I talk. Don't worry about me. Not like you do every week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So why don't you slip over to Tom Brenneman to get yourself an orchid? I don't know, I don't know. Oh, why don't you go ahead with the story? I want to hear it. OK, all right. Now, little kitty, here I go. All right. What's the pot of time there was a little boy named Aladdin? Aladdin who? He? Aladdin who? Aladdin who? Yeah. Aladdin, the foreign country. All right. Go ahead, Abbott. Abbott, I ask you to leave me alone. Oh, you're all right. I just want to make sure I didn't I never heard this story. Well, keep quiet. All right. I'm sorry. You get me so much. Take it easy. Take it easy. Now, Aladdin had a more major carpet. Major carpet. He sat on a carpet and, zoop, it flew up in the air. Now, what made the carpet go up in the air? What made the carpet go up? What made the carpet go up in the air? The OPA took the seal off and left the place. Now look, Abbott, now look, Abbott, I'm asking you for the last time you see a mouse. All right, now, don't take it so serious. That makes such a fool of me running the kids. All right, go ahead. Now, one day Aladdin was flying along on his carpet when another guy was passing a rug. This guy pulled out a towel and started shooting at him. Now, Aladdin didn't want nobody to look at him. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on. How could he shoot at him with a towel? This was a cannon towel. What are you getting me? See me all mixed up. Now, keep quiet. What was the story? Now, one day Aladdin found an old lamp, a real old old lamp. Oh, the lamp was so old, it was extinct. Yeah, it was extinct. It smelled from oil. All right. What are you, keep following us? Let me tell a story. Well, go ahead, tell it. Now, Aladdin rubbed a lamp and yoy. A genie appeared with a white horse. Aladdin grabbed the horses here. Now, you mean, Aladdin grabbed the horse by the mane. He grabbed the horse by the mane. By the mane what? He grabbed the horse by the mane what? Now, what do you say? Go ahead. All I know is he grabbed the horse by the mane. That's the horse. That's the horse's neck. The horse's neck. Anybody knows that the horse's neck? Sir, humans, let him neck. Stop it already. Now, when the genie told Aladdin he could have anything he wished for, Aladdin would just rub the lamp. So every time he rubbed the lamp, he got presents. So he rubbed and he rubbed. And he got stuff and more stuff until he had surplus. So after he had surplus. Wait a minute, just a minute, not just a minute, enough. That's enough. How can you use the word surplus? When you don't even know what surplus means. I don't know what surplus means. You don't. Shame on you, Abbott. I know what surplus means. What does it mean? I know what's a big word. What does it mean? I'll say what it means. Surplus means like, if I have two pairs of shoes, that's surplus. So I give you one pair. Now, if I got two dogs, that's surplus. So I give you one dog. Now, if I got two beautiful blondes, that's surplus. So I, Abbott, why don't you put them shoes on and take that dog for a walk? Wait a minute, you takers. How dare you come out here and deliberately take a classic from the Arabian knight and twist it into a mishmash of falsehood. And fabricate a diabolic absurdity. Wait a minute, Abbott, what's your language? What do you mean? This program is being wig-wagged to the campfire girls. Castella, are you trying to ridicule me? Your friend who sticks to you through thick and thin. Why do you treat me so shamefully? Oh, I'm a bad boy. And are you sorry you told that story? But I told that story with great success many times on the radio. How has it? I never heard you tell that story on the air. Well, it so happens I did the story in the East, and it was transcribed from an earlier hour so it could be turned off at a more convenient time. Castella, I can't make up my mind whether you're a simpleton, a nemesle, or a moron. Got you over a barrel, ain't I? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Yes, three leading independent research organizations put this question to 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand name most was camel. Well, that's natural, you camel smokers will say. I like camels rich, full-bodied flavor and cool mildness, so why shouldn't doctors? They smoke for pleasure just like anybody else. If you're not a camel smoker, why don't you try a camel on your T-zone that's T for taste and T for throat now? See if you don't say, yes, sir, camels suit my T-zone to a T. Light up a camel cigarette and listen to skinny and his things. Let a gal in Calico dance that a thing. Used to be her Sunday boat till I rode away. Do I want her? Do I want her long? Yes, sir. Will I win her? Will I win her long? Wait and see. Working in a rowing boat, go from town to town. Be most every kind of gal, every kind of gal. But who made my heart so? If the art is the art of my little gal, Calico. Is she waiting? Is she waiting? She better be. Am I hoping to be roping her? Yes, sir, we. But who made my heart so? If the art is the art of my little gal in Calico. Hey, Adam. Hey, Adam. We're rich. My new invention is finished. I just built a machine for 75 cents. That will save billions for science. A 75-cent machine that will save science? Yes, yes. What does it do? What does it do? Give me your hat and I'll show you. Now I place the hat on a machine and pull the lever that lowers this thick cleaver. Custello, you've ruined my hat. You've cut my new Adam hat in half. Hooray! It works! I have... I have... Hooray! It works! I have split the Adam! Yeah, dummy. That thing will never make a nickel. But I have an idea that will make us $10,000 by tomorrow night. Just think. You'll be able to get a complete new wardrobe, a diamond ring, a car and a chauffeur and... Just a minute, Adam. You ain't going to get me to be queen for a day. No, no, no, no, no, no, Custello. Now here's how we get the $10,000. Now, I've made arrangements with an inventor to use you in a great experiment. Here he's going to shoot you in a rocket to the moon. And just for that, we get $10,000? Yes! Oh boy, I wish you'd... Who's gonna shoot who in what to wear? Calm down, Custello. You've got nothing to be scared about. There's nothing to it. You just get into the rocket ship and you get a free ride to the moon. Well, that's different. For a minute, I thought you said I was going to go to the moon. You did say it! But I'm not going to do it. You're not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. You're not going to do it. No. After all the trouble I had convincing that scientist that you were the man. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? What are you? A coward? A white-livered rat? A yellow snake? You can bet I'm in there someplace. But I ain't gonna do it. Shame on you, Custello. You're not going to do it. Think of me. Think of what I went through convincing a scientist that you... You should have this great opportunity. That we should make $10,000. Do you realize this scientist turned you down three times? He did? He did. He didn't want you to do in that rocket. But I forced the issue. That's my power. He'll bet your life. I inspected on you. He forced the issue. Custello, please. When the guy didn't want me, you forced the issue. I forced the issue. So off I go. That's right, hello. That scientist said you didn't have brains enough to fly a kite. Well, let alone a rocket. He said you were an incompetent nincompoop, a bloated blockhead, and a nit-witted naninity. That scientist said I was an incompetent nincompoop, a bloated blockhead, and a nit-witted naninity. Was that his message to me? Yes. Then I want you to take my answer back to him. What is it? You tell him. He's right. Here he is. He asked, I ain't gonna do it. Lock of dog sense. Those rocket chips are safe. They operate on uranium-235. Haven't you heard of uranium-235? No, but I know a honey at main-532. No, no. I'm talking about the scientific formula for uranium-235. Oh, Rabbit, why do you say so? I just happen to have it on me. Uranium-235 is an isotribe. It's surrounded by twist and crack activity, activated by charcoal gum. Well, you didn't think I knew it, eh? With electrical rheostat on the adjacent copiga and the Santa Fe. All this is in the process of... Process of what? Exactly. And on that, you may call me. Come in. Greetings, Mr. Rabbit. Where is the chump? Sucker. The boy who's going to the moon in my rocket. Right here, Professor. This is Luke Castello. Mr. Castello, to make this experiment, you should have your parents' consent. Where is your mater and tater? They went to the theater with my braider and tater. Well, I hope I have more luck with you than we've had with the other 35 rockets I've aimed at the moon. You shot 35 guys up there already? What happened to them? I don't know. I lose more darn rockets that way. Well, I ain't going. That moon is a terrible place. Oh, no, my boy, the moon is lovely. The moon is made of green cheese. How did he get that cheese way up there? Haven't you heard of the... buttermilk sky? Mine, that's pretty. Would you care to churn in? I don't mind. Let's skin through it together. Professor Castello, be ready to take off tomorrow morning. Just a second, Professor. What kind of a rocket is this? Well, it has 46 propellers. It's air-conditioned. It has a snack bar. What makes you run? Twisted rubber bands. Twisted rubber bands? That was a snappy answer. I got my laugh fatty. Don't stretch it. Forget him, Castello. We haven't got much time. Now, what equipment would he need for the trip? Well, as long as you tuck me in or whatever, I'll need a supply of food and a native girl in case I get lost. Some warm clothing and a native girl in case I get lost. A camera and a native girl in case I get lost. And a map of Rhode Island. Why are you taking your map of Rhode Island? That's to make sure I get lost. Hi, you fellas. Hello, skinny. Hello, hoghead. I heard you were going to the moon. I brought you something to take along. A pair of skarkier mugs. What for? In case you meet a skark with cold air. Kitty, who is this with you? Oh, pardon me. Hey, Castello. This is my girlfriend, Gwendolyn. She came down to get a last look at you. Oh, Mr. Castello, I consider myself fort, you make. You mean such a creature of such intellect. You will set you. Have it. This kid sounds like she's got a snoo-ee-ful. Oh, this is so cute. He gives me the same little composite here. He met Mr. Pucky Pucky. What is she, gargle? Brillo? I might depart you. And may I met you, Michael, at your lake hands on your vet urine? You bet you're. And I'm glad you have met you're. Am I glad she's gone? This kid could ruin my dickion. And louse up my punctuation. Hey, not Castello. Pick and burl Maxwell. Ah, there you are, Lewis, honey. Oh, Abbott. He called me by my maiden name again. Lewis. Oh, Lewis, honey, I've heard all about your brave guests here. My little bubble nose buck Rogers. Oh, Marilyn, my fair-haired flying fortress. Make me your target for tonight and bomb me with kisses. Ah, Lewis, honey, come into my arms. Bombs away. Marilyn, when I'm close to you like this, do you notice how my eyes light up? Yes, Lewis, what does that mean? It must mean something. I ain't no pinball machine. Ah, Lewis, darling, you're so romantic. You and I are like those two little lovebirds out there in our trees. See a little girl lovebird and a little boy lovebird? What do you think they're talking about? What? Ah, Marilyn, Marilyn, my darling, when you hold me like this, I feel just like a bubble, a beautiful bubble, floating eastward with the trade winds. Well, what was that? Some wise guy in Brooklyn with a BB gun. Comedies by the Four Hips, here is Camel's lovely Marilyn Maxwell from MGM, Produces of the Yearly. Marilyn, sing. Oh, buttermilk guy, I am keeping my eye still on you. What's the good word tonight? Are you gonna be mellow tonight? Oh, buttermilk guy, can't you see my little donkey and me? We're as happy as a Christmas tree, Heading for the one I love. He's on a pop into question, that question. Do you, darling, do you do? It'll be easy, if I can only thank on you. Oh, buttermilk guy, I'm telling you why, now you know. Keep it in mind tonight. Keep a brush and those clouds from sight. Oh, buttermilk guy, don't you tell me when I'm meeting him, oh. Bring a moon above her hips and pours. It's me to the one I love. You can if you try. Don't tell me no lie. Will you be mellow and bright tonight? Oh, buttermilk guy. I'm going to bother the question, do you, darling, do you do? It'll be easy, so easy, if I can only thank on you. You can if you try. Don't tell me no lie. Will you be mellow and bright tonight? Will you taste all the clouds from sight? Just for me. Just for me. Buttermilk guy. You can get a longстone, that's teeth for taste and teeth for throat, is the supreme judge of a cigarette. Try a camel on your teeth zone and see if the verdict isn't... Ah, Camels for me. See if your taste doesn't register the most delighted approval of camel's full bodied rich flavor. The mellow fragrance of its choice, superbly blended tobaccos. See if your throat is not in full accord with camel's cool mildness. More doctors smoke camels than any other brand. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was Camel, yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Well, here we are, Castella. Come on, climb into that rocket. Have it. I'm scared. I'm afraid of flight places. I even get dizzy when I lick an airmail stamp. My boy, you have nothing to fear. I'm going to help you. First, I'll boost you into the rocket and strut you into the cockpit. Then I'll bolt a hydromatic gyro to your fuselage. I'll rivet your altimeter to your instrument panel. I'll connect your mixmaster to your radar. And then I'll weld your antenna to your oscillator. You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve. Came on you, Castella. Hey, look, here comes the whole gang of Smirl and see you off. Oh, Lewis, my darling, you're going to be a hero. When you come back, everyone will say, Castella, won't you tell us the secret of your fate? How you got that great reputation. Are you an American backer and a famous Howard Hughes? Build up the nation's aviation. My advice to flyers is never to get cross. If your parachute's unopened, report it to the board. Find for yourself, Castella, as you in your rocket at the start. Every world, great fellow, give my regard too much. I've had more hours in the earth than any aviator will feed her. When you get there, the sun does scare. Good luck to you, Castella. See you next time. Goodbye to you, Castella. Tell me, Castella, a great scientist like you must have some form of relaxation. What do you do to relieve nervous tension? What do I do? I'm a forever blowing bubble. I double bubble a gum. Once I blew hot, and I come up with a whiff when they gave my father's moustache. Thank you so much. I'll just think of all those wonderful times we had together. Those gay nights at the store club, those dinners at the Ritz, expensive wines that made us love a song, the things you bought last summer. I'm boy, I'm Castella. When you prove I'm a great artist, you'll be the nicest fellow. They have an information, please. I work with men of science. We'll be making history in the air. And as you start your mission, every heart will say a tender prayer. There's a man up in the sky who fights up old blues. Hey, y'all surprise us here. Good luck to you, Castella. I'll need it. Goodbye, too. Come on, Castella, get into that rocket. Abbott, I ain't gonna do it. I ain't gonna do it. You're a disgrace to the history of aeronautics. Science has been fighting for years to advance aviation. In 1906, the Wright brothers, what were they fighting for? The first airplane flight. Right. In 1926, Charles Lindbergh, what was he fighting for? To fly the Atlantic Ocean. In 1936, how are you? What was he fighting for? To fly around the world. And in 1946, what are you fighting for? To stay on the Camel Cigarette Program. Castella will be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarettes. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarettes send a total of more than 150 million free Camels to our fighting men overseas. Now, free Camels are sent to service men's hospitals instead. This week, the Camels go to Veterans Hospital, Mount Alto, Washington DC. U.S. Army fits them as General Hospital, Denver, Colorado. U.S. Naval Hospital, Bainbridge, Maryland. U.S. Marine Hospital, Norfolk, Virginia. Veteran Hospital, Oakland, California. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. A rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, here are Bud Abbott and Luke Castella with a final word. Well, Castella, that rocket to the moon tonight was certainly a fizzle. Yeah, it never left the ground. That guy ain't no inventor. I'm the guy that's got the invention. Now, what have you invented? Abbott, my new invention will do away with all electric toasters. There'll be no more electric toasters. No more electric toasters? You just plug in the bread. Oh, good night, folks. Important reminder to Christmas shoppers, more pipe smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco. So when you give Prince Albert to a pipe smoker, you give a gift mighty sure of a warm welcome. Prince Albert gives a pipe smoker the rich flavor of mild tobacco, specially treated to ensure against tongue bites. Smokes nice and even, too, because it's crimped cut. The big pound tin of Prince Albert is all ready to send. It has a special bright Christmas wrapper on which a gift card is imprinted. And Saturday night, be sure to hear Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry with a popular singer of American folk songs, Red Foley. At Saturday night on NBC, Grand Ole Opry with Red Foley, the Duke of Paduca and Minnie Pearl. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, try Camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat to a tea. Remember to give Camels for Christmas, too. A carton of mild bull-flavored Camels makes a wonderful gift. C-A-M-E-L-S.