 The Prince two mice and some kitchen maids from nine unlikely tales This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information and to volunteer Please visit LibriVox.org Read by Corrie Samuel Nine unlikely tales by E. Nesbitt The Prince two mice and some kitchen maids When the Prince was born the Queen said to the King My dear do be very very careful about the invitations. You know what fairies are. They always come to the christening whether you invite them or not And if you forget to invite one of them she always makes herself so terribly unpleasant My love said the King I will invite them all And he took out his diamond pointed pen and wrote out the cards on the spot But just then a herald came in to bring news of war So the King had to go off in a hurry The invitations were sent out but the christening had to be put off for a year At the end of this time the King had subdued all his enemies so he was very pleased with himself The Prince was a year old and he was also pleased with himself as all good babies are And found the little royal fingers and toes a fresh and ever delightful mystery And the Queen was pleased with herself as all good mothers should be So everything went merrily The palace was hung with cloth of silver and strewn with fresh daisies in honor of the great day And after all had eaten and drunk to their hearts content The fairies came near with the gifts they had brought to their godson the Prince He shall have beauty said the first and wit said the second and a pretty sweet heart Said the third who loves him said the fourth And so they went on foretelling for him all sorts of happy and desirable things And as each fairy gave her gift she stooped and kissed the baby Prince And then spreading her fine Gossamagore's wings fluttered away across the rosy garden The crowd of fairies grew less and less and there were only three left When the Queen pulled the King's sleeve and whispered My dear, where's my leveler? I sent her a card said the King casting an anxious look around him Then it must have been lost on the way said the Queen or she'd have been here She is here said a low voice in the Queen's ear Suddenly the room grew dark gray clouds hid the sun and all the daisies on the floor shut up quite close the poor Queen gave a start and a scream and the King bravest he was turned pale for my leveler was a terrible fairy and the dress she wore was not at all a thing for a christening it was made of spiders webs matted together dark and dank with the damp of the tomb and the dust of dungeons her wings were the wings of a great bat spiders and mutes crawled around her neck a serpent coiled about her waist and little snakes twisted and writhed in her straight black hair she looked at the Queen so terribly that her poor mother majesty cried out without meaning to oh don't she cried and flung both arms around the cradle the prince was quite happy playing with his new coral and bells and looking at the palace cat who sat at the foot of the cradle washing herself now listen said my leveler still speaking in the low even voice that was so terrible you did not invite me to the christening I've read my fairy tales and I know what's expected of a fairy who's left out on an occasion like this I intend to curse your son then all the kings and queens who had come to the christening wished they had stayed away and they and all the court fell on their knees and begged my leveler for mercy as for the three good fairies who were left they hid behind the window curtains and the court ladies peeping between their fingers said fancy deserting their godson like this how unfair he like but the queen and the king only wept and the prince played with his rattle and looked at the cat then my leveler said mockingly great king and mighty sovereign my leveler was not good enough to be asked to your tea party but your family shall come down in the world your son shall marry a kitchen maid and marry a lady with four feet and no hands a shiver of horror ran through the room and my leveler vanished then suddenly the sun came out and people lifted up their heads and dared again to look at each other and the daisies too opened their eyes again then the good fairies came out from behind the window curtains and the poor queen fell on her knees before them can't you do anything she asked can't you undo what she says and make it untrue not even a fairy can make a true thing untrue said the good fairies sadly my levelers words will come true but the prince has already many gifts and our gifts are yet to give and these you shall choose whatever you wish shall be his then the king recovering a little from the terror into which the fairy my leveler had thrown him and remembering how well he and his royal line had always borne them in battle said at once let the boy be brave he is brave said one of the good fairies he fears nothing and at this the prince ceased to feel any fear of the palace cat he put out his hand and pulled her tail so merrily that pussy turned and clawed the little arm till the blood ran oh dear cried his mother he is fearless as you say i wish he was afraid of cats poor darling he is said the second fairy you have your wish and indeed the prince screamed and hid his face and shrank from the palace cat with such horror that the king pulled out his pencil and notebook and wrote an edict then and there banishing all cats from his dominions but all the same he was very angry your majesty has wasted one wish he said very politely to the queen let us now leave the last gift in the hands of the last fairy the last fairy came and kissed the prince who was now sobbing sleepily he should be happy she said he shall have his heart's desire then she too vanished and the kings and queens took their leave when their gold coaches came for them and presently the king and queen were left alone with the silver hangings and the strewn daisies and the baby oh dear oh dear said the queen this is dreadful a kitchen maid and a lady with four feet and no hands at least we are not likely to have a kitchen maid with less than two hands said the king we might arrange to have only titled kitchen maids said the queen timidly the very thing the king answered that would make the love affair all that one could wish but there's still the marriage of course he'll marry the lady he loves it's not the way of the world said the king at any rate let's hope he'll love the lady he marries otherwise otherwise what said the queen we know nothing about otherwise do you my queen he said catching her round the waist and in his love for his wife and his son the king felt almost happy again for here they were all three together and when your son is in his cradle his marriage seems very far off indeed but the queen was anxious and frightened and while the prince was still a child she sent messengers to the courts of all neighboring kings and queens to tell them what had been foretold which indeed most of them knew having been at the christening and she begged such of them as had daughters to send them as kitchen maids so the prince might at least fall in love with a real princess and as the prince grew up he was so handsome and so brave fearing nothing but cats which of course he never saw though he dreamed of them often and woke screaming and also so brilliant and good that his father's kingdom being beyond compare the finest in all the round world the young daughters of kings vied with each other as to who should find favour in the eyes of the queen mother and so get leave to serve in the kitchen each nursing the hope that some day the prince would see her and love her and perhaps even marry her and he was very good friends with all the noble kitchen maids but he loved none of them till one day he saw at a window of the tower where the kitchen was a bright face and bright hair tied round with a scarlet kerchief and as he looked at the face it was withdrawn but the prince had lost his heart he kept his secret safe in the place where his heart had been and schemed and plotted to see this fair lady again for when he went among the royal kitchen maids she was not there with them and he looked morning noon and evening but he never could see her so then he said i must watch her nights perhaps she's kept in prison in the tower above the kitchen and at night those who watch her may sleep and so i shall be able to talk to her so he dressed in dark clothes and hid in the shadow of the palace courtyard and watched all one night and he saw nothing but in the early morning when the setting moon and the rising sun were mixing their lights in the sky he heard a heavy bolt shot back and the door of the kitchen tower opened slowly the prince crouched behind a buttress and watched and he saw the fair maid with the bright hair under the red kerchief she swept the doorstep and she drew water from the well in the middle of the courtyard and presently he crept to the kitchen window and saw her light the fire and wash the dishes and make all neat and clean within and the prince's eyes followed her in all she did and the more he looked at her the more he loved her and at last he heard sounds as a folk stirring above so he crept away keeping close to the wall and so back to his own rooms and this he did again on the next morning and on the next and on the third morning as he stood looking through the window at the girl with the bright hair and the bright kerchief the gold chain he wore clinked against the stone of the window sill the maid started and the bowl she held dropped onto the brick floor of the kitchen and broke into twenty pieces and then and there she sat down on the floor beside it and began to cry bitterly the prince ran in and knelt beside her don't cry dear he said i'll get you another bowl it isn't that she sobbed but now they'll send me away who will the noble kitchen maids they keep me to do the work because being king's daughters they don't know how to do anything but the queen doesn't know that there is a real kitchen maid here and now you have found out they will send me away and she went on crying then you are a real kitchen maid and not noble at all said the prince she stopped crying for a minute to say no never mind said the prince you are twice as pretty as all king's daughters put together and twenty times as dear at that she stopped crying for good and all and looked up at him from the floor where she sat yes you are he said and i love you with all my heart and with that he caught her in his arms and kissed her and the real kitchen maid laid her face against his and her heart beat wildly for she knew what the king did not and what indeed all the folk knew except the prince that this had been foretold at his christening but she knew also that though he loved her he was not to marry her since it was his dreadful destiny to marry someone with four feet and no hands i wish i had no hands and four feet said the real kitchen maid to herself i wouldn't mind a bit since it is me he loves what are you saying asked the prince i'm saying that you must go said she if their kitchen highnesses find you here with me they'll tear me into little pieces for they all love you to a highness and you he whispered how much do you love me oh she answered i love you better than my right hand and my left and the prince thought that a very strange answer he went through that day in a happy dream but he did not tell his dream to anyone lest some harm should come to the real kitchen maid for he meant to marry her and he had a feeling that his parents would not approve of the match now that night when the whole palace was asleep the real kitchen maid got up and crept out past the sleepy sentinel and went home to her father the farmer and got one of his great white cart horses and rode away through the woods to the cavern where the great white rat sits sleeplessly guarding the magic cat's eye and everyone wondered why he guarded it so carefully for it seemed to have no great value but the great white rat watched it constantly without ever closing one of those round bright rat eyes of his and when folk sought to lay hands on it he said be careful it has the power to change you into a mouse on which folk dropped it hastily and went on their ways leaving him still on guard to him now went the little kitchen maid and asked for help for he was thousands of years old and had more wisdom between his nose and ears than all the books in all the world she told him all that had happened now what shall I do she said and the great white rat never shifting his eyes from the magic cat's eye answered keep your own counsel and be contented the prince loves you but said the real kitchen maid he is not to marry me but a horrible creature with four feet and no hands keep your secret and be content the great white rat repeated and if ever you see him in danger for my lady with four feet and no hands come straight to me so the real kitchen maid went back to the palace and set to work to clean pots and pans for now it was bright dewy daylight and the night had gone and before the rest were awake again her prince came to her and vowed he loved her more than life so she kept her secret and was content at the time of the prince's christening the king had banished all cats from the kingdom because he could not bear to see his son show fear of anything but now and then strangers not knowing of the edict brought cats to that country and if the prince saw one of these cats he was taken with a trembling and a paleness standing like stone a while and presently with shrieks of terror fleeing the spot and it was now a long time since he had seen a cat now soon after the prince had found out how he loved the real kitchen maid his father and mother died suddenly as they were sitting hand in hand for they loved each other so much that it was not possible for either to stay here without the other so then the prince wept bitterly and would not be comforted and the court stood about him with a long face wearing its new morning and as he sat there with his face hidden something came through the palace gate and up the marble stairs and into the great hall where the prince sat on the steps of his father's throne weeping and before the courtiers could draw breath or decide whether it was court etiquette for them to do anything while the prince was crying except to stand still and look sad the creature came up to the prince and began to rub itself against his arm and he still hiding his face reached out his hand and stroked it then all the court drew a deep breath for they saw that the thing that had come in was a great black cat and the prince raised his eyes and they looked to see him shrink and shriek but instead he passed his hand over the black fur and said poor pussy then and at these words the whole court fled by window and door the courtiers took horse those who had carriages went away in them those who had none went on foot and in less than a minute the prince and the cat were left alone together for the court was learned in witch law and knowing the prince's horror of cats it saw at once that a cat he was not afraid of was no cat at all but a witch in that shape therefore the courtiers and the whole royal household fled trembling and hid themselves all but the little real kitchen maid she saw with terror that the cat or rather the witch in cat's shape had done what no one else could do roused the prince from his dull dream of grief and then she remembered the fate which maleval had foretold for him that he should marry a lady with four feet and no hands a lack a day she cried this witch has four feet and no hands but she can have hands whenever she chooses and be a woman by her magic arts as easily as she can be a cat and then he will love her and what will become of me or worse she may marry him only to torment him she may shut him up in some enchanted dungeon far from the light of day such things have happened before now so she stood hidden by the blue aris and wrung her hands and the tears ran down her cheeks and all the time the black cat purred to the prince and the prince stroked the black cat and anyone could have seen that he was every moment becoming more deeply bewitched and still the real kitchen maid crouched behind the aras and her heart ached that it knew no way to save him then suddenly she remembered the words of the great white rat if ever you see him in danger from a lady with four feet and no hands come straight to me now surely was the time for the prince she knew was in desperate danger the real kitchen maid crept silently down the marble stairs but once she was out of the palace she ran like the wind to the stable no men were about there all had followed the example of the court and had run away when they heard of the strange coming of the witch cat and of all the many horses that had stood in the stable only one remained for each man in his fright had saddled the first horse that came to hand and ridden off on it and the one that still stayed there was the prince's own black charger he had had no mind to be saddled in haste by a stranger and had turned and bitten a stranger who had attempted it so he was there alone now the little kitchen maid lifted the prince's gold broided saddle from its perch and the weight of it was such that she could not have carried it but for the heavy heart she bore because of her love to the prince and his danger and that made all else seem light she put the saddle on the charger and the jewelled bridle and he knade with pleasure for he understood being a horse who could see as far into a stone wall as most people and when he was saddled he knelt for her to mount and then up and away like the wind and she had no need to guide him with the reins for he found the way and kept it he galloped steadily on and the sun went down and the night grew dark and he went on and on and on without stumble or pause till at moonrise he halted before the house of the great white rat then as the real kitchen maid sprang down the great white rat came out from his house and spoke you've come for it then for what the magic cat's eye i've guarded it some thousands of years i knew there would be a use for it at last he may be saved yet if someone should love him well enough to die for him i do that said the little kitchen maid and took the cat's eye in her hands swallow it said the white rat and you'll turn into a mouse the little maid swallowed it at once and behold she was a little mouse what am i to do she asked i can't tell you said the great white rat but love will tell you so the little kitchen maid in the form of the mouse ran up one of the horse's legs and held tight onto the saddle with all her little claws and as the great horse galloped back towards the palace in the moonlight she thought and thought and at last she said to herself the witch is in cat's shape and she must have cat nature so she will run after a mouse she will run after me and if i can lead her to a running stream she will leap across it and then she will have to take her own shape that must be what the great white rat meant me to do and if the cat catches me well at least if i can't save my prince i can die for him and the thought warmed her heart as the great horse thundered on through the dawn light when at last creeping softly on little noiseless feet the mouse kitchen maid re-entered the great hall she saw that she was only just in time for the black cat was purring and looking back at the prince as she walked waving her black tail towards the further door of the hall and the prince more bewitched than ever was slowly following her then the real kitchen maid mouse uttered a squeak and rushed across the porphyry floor and the black cat drew to its cat nature left purring at the prince and sprang after the mouse and the mouse at its best speed made for the garden where ran the stream that fed the marble basins where the royal goldfish lived the prince understood nothing save that the enchanting black furry creature was leaving him and in an instant he was alone he followed to the door and saw the cat springing along the passage down the stairs he followed fast then along another passage that passed the foot of the back stairs and he saw that the back stairs were like a waterfall water was running down in a torrent and meandering away down the brick passage and out into the faint new sunshine when the mouse saw this stream she thought i'm saved she never thought of wondering how a stream came to running down the back stairs of the palace when she came to think of it afterwards she always believed that the great white rat had managed it somehow she never knew that it was really a great flood from the royal bathroom where the royal housemaid in her eagerness to run away from the witch had left all the royal bath taps full on the mouse bounded across the stream the cat saw the danger but she could not stop herself she too crossed the stream and as she crossed it she turned into the wicked fairy malevola cobwebs and snakes and nutes and bat wings and all the prince put his hand to his head like one awakening from sleep and the horrible fairy vanished suddenly and forever then the mouse ran trembling to the prince and in its thin little mouse's voice told him all my love and my lady he said holding the mouse against his cheek i will marry you now that will carry out the wicked fairy's prophecy then we will go back to the great white rat and you should be changed into a princess so the prince rang the church bells till all the people came out of their holes where they had been hiding to see the strange spectacle of a prince married to a mouse and directly they were married they set off on the black charger and when they reached the great white rat they told their tale and now so the prince joyously if you will change her into a lady again we will go home at once and begin living happily ever after the great white rat looked at them gravely it's impossible he said i am sorry but the effects of the magic cat's eye are permanent once a mouse always a mouse if you get moused by the magic cat's eye the prince and the mouse looked sadly at each other this was the last thing they had expected the great white rat looked at them earnestly then he said if it would be of any use to you i've got another magic cat's eye he held it out the prince took it gladly kingdom and the life of a king were nothing to him compared with the love and happiness of a real kitchen maid disguised as a mouse he put the stone to his lips you know what'll happen if you do said the great white rat i shall change into a mouse and live happy ever after said the prince gaily perhaps said the great white rat nothing is impossible if people love each other enough you mustn't cried the mouse trying to get between his lips and the cat's eye my dear little real kitchen maid said the prince tenderly you have saved my life and you are my life i would rather be a mouse with you than a king without you and with that he swallowed the cat's eye and two small mice stood side by side before the great white rat very kindly he looked at them then he pulled a hair from his left whisker and laid it across their little brown backs and on the instant there stood up a prince and a princess and at their feet lay the little empty mouse skins it's lucky for you said the great white rat that you chose to swallow the cat's eye because people who have been moused by that means could never be un-moused except in pairs nothing is impossible if people only love each other enough so the prince and his bride returned to the palace and lived happy ever after they were as happy as if they had been mice which in a country where there are no cats is saying a good deal of course the prince is still afraid of cats but the curious thing is that now his wife is afraid of them too perhaps she learned that lesson when she was a mouse for his sake he when he was a mouse for hers learned this lesson which is also the moral of this story nothing is impossible if people only love each other enough end of the prince two mice and some kitchen maids melisand from nine unlikely tales this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information and to volunteer please visit libravox.org read by kori samuel nine unlikely tales by enes bit melisand or long and short division when the princess melisand was born her mother the queen wished to have a christening party but the king put his foot down and said he would not have it i've seen too much trouble come out of christening parties said he however carefully you keep your visiting book some fairy or other is sure to get left out and you know what that leads to why even in my own family the most shocking things have occurred the fairy malevala was not asked to my great grandmother's christening and you know all about the spindle and the hundred years sleep perhaps you're right said the queen my own cousin by marriage forgot some stuffy old fairy or other when she was sending out the cards for her daughter's christening and the old wretch turned up at the last moment and the girl drops toads out of her mouth to this day just so and then there was that business of the mouse and the kitchen maids said the king will have no nonsense about it i'll be her godfather and you shall be her godmother and we won't ask a single fairy then none of them can be offended unless they all are said the queen and that was exactly what happened when the king and the queen and the baby got back from christening the parlor maid met them at the door and said please your majesty several ladies have called i told them you were not at home but they all said they'd wait are they in the parlor asked the queen i've shown them into the throne room your majesty said the parlor maid you see there are several of them there were about seven hundred the great throne room was crammed with fairies of all ages and of all degrees of beauty and ugliness good fairies and bad fairies flower fairies and moon fairies fairies like spiders and fairies like butterflies and as the queen opened the door and began to say how sorry she was to have kept them waiting they all cried with one voice why didn't you ask me to your christening party i haven't had a party said the queen and she turned to the king and whispered i told you so this was her only consolation you've had a christening said the fairies all together i'm very sorry said the poor queen but malevala pushed forward and said hold your tongue most rudely malevala is the oldest as well as the most wicked of the fairies she is deservedly unpopular and has been left out of more christening parties than all the rest of the fairies put together don't begin to make excuses she said shaking her finger at the queen that only makes your conduct worse you know well enough what happens if a fairy is left out of a christening party we are all going to give our christening presence now as the fairy of highest social position i shall begin the princess shall be bald the queen nearly fainted as malevala drew back and another fairy in a smart bonnet with snakes in it stepped forward with a rustle of batswings but the king stepped forward too no you don't said he i wonder at you ladies i do indeed how can you be so unfairly like have none of you been to school have none of you studied the history of your own race surely you don't need a poor ignorant king like me to tell you that this is no go how dare you cried the fairy in the bonnet and the snakes in it quivered as she tossed her head it is my turn and i say the princess shall be the king actually put his hand over her mouth look here he said i won't have it listen to reason or you'll be sorry afterwards a fairy who breaks the traditions of fairy history goes out you know she does like the flame of a candle and all tradition shows that only one bad fairy is ever forgotten at a christening party and the good ones are always invited so either this is not a christening party or else you were all invited except one and by her own showing that was malevala it nearly always is do i make myself clear several of the better class fairies who had been led away by malevola's influence murmured that there was something in what his majesty said try it if you don't believe me said the king give your nasty gifts to my innocent child but sure as you do out you go like a candle flame now then will you risk it no one answered and presently several fairies came up to the queen and said what a pleasant party it had been but they really must be going this example decided the rest one by one all the fairies said goodbye and thanked the queen for the delightful afternoon they had spent with her it's been quite too lovely said the lady with the snake bonnet do ask us again soon dear queen i should be so longing to see you again and the dear baby and off she went with the snake trimming quivering more than ever when the very last fairy was gone the queen ran to look at the baby she tore off its honniton lace cap and burst into tears for all the baby's downy golden hair came off with a cap and the princess melisand was as bald as an egg don't cry my love said the king i have a wish lying by which i've never had occasion to use my fairy godmother gave it me for a wedding present but since then i've had nothing to wish for thank you dear said the queen smiling through her tears i'll keep the wish till baby grows up the king went on and then i'll give it to her and if she likes to wish for her she can oh won't you wish for it now said the queen dropping mixed tears and kisses on the baby's smooth round head no dearest she may want something else more when she grows up and besides her hair may grow by itself but it never did princess melisand grew up as beautiful as the sun and as good as gold but never a hair grew on that little head of hers the queen sewed her little caps of green silk and the princesses pink and white face looked out of these like a flower peeping out of its bud and every day as she grew older she grew dearer and as she grew dearer she grew better and as she grew more good she grew more beautiful now when she was grown up the queen said to the king my love our dear daughter is old enough to know what she wants let her have the wish so the king wrote to his fairy godmother and sent the letter by a butterfly he asked if he might hand on to his daughter the wish the fairy had given him for a wedding present i have never had occasion to use it said he though it has always made me happy to remember that i had such a thing in the house the wish is as good as new and my daughter is now of an age to appreciate so valuable a present to which the fairy replied by return of butterfly dear king pray do whatever you like with my poor little present i had quite forgotten it but i'm pleased to think that you have treasured my humble keepsake all these years your affectionate godmother fortuna f so the king unlocked his gold safe with the seven diamond handled keys that hung at his girdle and took out the wish and gave it to his daughter and melisand said father i will wish that all your subjects should be quite happy but they were that already because the king and queen were so good so the wish did not go off so then she said then i wish them all to be good but they were that already because they were happy so again the wish hung fire then the queen said dearest for my sake wish what i tell you why of course i will said melisand the queen whispered in her ear and melisand nodded then she said aloud i wish i had golden hair a yard long and that it would grow an inch every day and grow twice as fast every time it was cut and stop cry the king and the wish went off and the next moment the princess stood smiling at him through a shower of golden hair oh how lovely said the queen what a pity you interrupted her dear she hadn't finished what was the end asked the king oh said melisand i was only going to say and twice as thick it's a very good thing you didn't said the king you've done about enough for he had a mathematical mind and could do the sums about the grains of wheat on the chessboard and the nails in the horse's shoes in his royal head without any trouble at all why what's the matter asked the queen you'll know soon enough said the king come let's be happy while we may give me a kiss little melisand and then go to nurse and ask her to teach you how to comb your hair i know said melisand i've often combed mothers your mother has beautiful hair said the king but i fancy you will find your own less easy to manage and indeed it was so the princess's hair began by being a yard long and it grew an inch every night if you know anything at all about the simplest sums you will see that in about five weeks her hair was about two yards long this is a very inconvenient length it trails on the floor and sweeps up all the dust and though in palaces of course it is all gold dust still it is not nice to have it in your hair and the princess's hair was growing an inch every night when it was three yards long the princess could not bear it any longer it was so heavy and so hot so she borrowed nurses cutting out scissors and cut it all off and then for a few hours she was comfortable but the hair went on growing and now it grew twice as fast as before so that in 36 days it was as long as ever the poor princess cried with tiredness when she couldn't bear it any more she cut her hair and was comfortable for a very little time for the hair now grew four times as fast as at first and in 18 days it was as long as before and she had to have it cut then it grew eight inches a day and the next time it was cut it grew 16 inches a day and then 32 inches and 64 inches and 128 inches a day and so on growing twice as fast after each cutting till the princess would go to bed at night with her hair clipped short and wake up in the morning with yards and yards and yards of golden hair flowing all about the room so that she could not move without pulling her own hair and nurse had to come and cut the hair off before she could get out of bed I wish I was bald again, sighed poor Melisand, looking at the little green caps she used to wear and she cried herself to sleeper nights between the golden billows of the golden hair but she never let her mother see her cry because it was the queen's fault and Melisand did not want to seem to reproach her when first the princess's hair grew her mother sent locks of it to all her royal relations who had them set in rings and brooches later the queen was able to send enough for bracelets and girdles but presently so much hair was cut off that they had to burn it then when autumn came all the crops failed it seemed as though all the gold of the harvest had gone into the princess's hair and there was a famine then Melisand said it does seem a pity to waste all my hair it does grow so very fast couldn't we stuff things with it or something and sell them to feed the people so the king called the council of merchants and they sent out samples of the princess's hair and soon orders came pouring in and the princess's hair became the staple export of that country they stuffed pillows with it and they stuffed beds with it they made ropes of it for sailors to use and curtains for hanging in king's palaces they made haircloth of it for hermits and other people who wish to be uncomfy but it was so soft and silky that it only made them happy and warm which they did not wish to be so the hermits gave up wearing it and instead mothers bought it for their little babies and all well-born infants wore little shirts of princess haircloth and still their hair grew and grew and the people were fed and the famine came to an end then the king said it was all very well while famine lasted but now I shall write to my fairy godmother and see if something cannot be done so he wrote and sent the letter by a skylark and by return of bird came this answer why not advertise for a competent prince or for the usual reward so the king sent out his heralds all over the world to proclaim that any respectable prince with proper references should marry the princess melisand if he could stop her hair growing then from far and near came trains of princes anxious to try their luck and they brought all sorts of nasty things with them in bottles and round wooden boxes the princess tried all the remedies but she did not like any of them and she did not like any of the princes so in her heart she was rather glad that none of the nasty things in bottles and boxes made the least difference to her hair the princess had to sleep in the great throne room now because no other room was big enough to hold her and her hair when she woke in the morning the long high room would be quite full of her golden hair packed tight and thick like wool in a barn and every night when she had had the hair cut close to her head she would sit in her green silk gown by the window and cry and kiss the little green caps she used to wear and wish herself bald again it was as she sat crying there on midsummer eve that she first saw prince florizel he had come to the palace that evening but he would not appear in her presence with the dust of travel on him and she had retired with her hair born by twenty pages before he had bathed and changed his garments and entered the reception room now he was walking in the garden in the moonlight and he looked up and she looked down and for the first time mela sand looking on a prince wished that he might have the power to stop her hair from growing as for the prince he wished many things and the first was granted him for he said you are mela sand and you are florizel there are many roses round your window said he to her and none down here she threw him one of three white roses she held in her hand then he said white rose trees are strong may i climb up to you surely said the princess so he climbed up to the window now said he if i can do what your father asks will you marry me my father has promised that i shall said mela sand playing with the white roses in her hand dear princess said he your father's promise is nothing to me i want yours will you give it to me yes said she and gave him the second rose i want your hand yes she said and your heart with it yes said the princess and she gave him the third rose and a kiss to seal the promise yes said she and a kiss to go with a hand yes she said and a kiss to bring the heart yes said the princess and she gave him the three kisses now said he when he had given them back to her tonight do not go to bed stay by your window and i will stay down here in the garden and watch and when your hair has grown to the filling of the room call to me and then do as i tell you i will said the princess so at dewy sunrise the prince lying on the turf beside the sundial heard her voice florizel florizel my hair has grown so long that it is pushing me out of the window get out onto the windowsill said he and twist your hair three times around the great iron hook that is there and she did then the prince climbed up the rose bush with his naked sword in his teeth and he took the princess's hair in his hand about a yard from her head and said jump the princess jumped and screamed for there she was hanging from the hook by a yard and a half of her bright hair the prince tightened his grasp of the hair and drew his sword across it then he let her down gently by her hair till her feet were on the grass and jumped down after her they stayed talking in the garden till all the shadows had crept under their proper trees and the sundial said it was breakfast time then they went into breakfast and all the court crowded round to wonder and admire for the princess's hair had not grown how did you do it asked the king shaking florizel warmly by the hand the simplest thing in the world said florizel modestly you have always cut the hair of the princess i just cut the princess off the hair hoomph said the king who had a logical mind and during breakfast he more than once looked anxiously at his daughter when they got up from breakfast the princess rose with the rest but she rose and rose and rose till it seemed as though there would never be an end of it the princess was nine feet high i feared as much said the king sadly i wonder what will be the rate of progression you see he said to poor florizel when we cut the hair off it grows when we cut the princess off she grows i wish you had happened to think of that the princess went on growing by dinnertime she was so large that she had to have her dinner brought out into the garden because she was too large to get indoors but she was too unhappy to be able to eat anything and she cried so much that there was quite a pool in the garden and several pages were nearly drowned so she remembered her alice in wonderland and stopped crying at once but she did not stop growing she grew bigger and bigger and bigger till she had to go outside the palace gardens and sit on the common and even that was too small to hold her comfortably for every hour she grew twice as much as she had done the hour before and nobody knew what to do nor where the princess was to sleep fortunately her clothes had grown with her or she would have been very cold indeed and now she sat on the common in her green gown embroidered with gold looking like a great hill covered with gorse in flower you cannot possibly imagine how large the princess was growing and her mother stood wringing her hands on a castle tower and the prince florizel looked on broken hearted to see his princess snatched from his arms and turned into a lady as big as a mountain the king did not weep or look on he sat down at once and wrote to his very godmother asking her advice he sent a weasel with the letter and by return of weasel he got his own letter back again marked gone away left no address it was now when the kingdom was plunged into gloom that a neighbouring king took it into his head to send an invading army against the island where melisand lived they came in ships and they landed in great numbers and melisand looking down from her height saw alien soldiers marching on the sacred soil of her country i don't mind so much now said she if i can really be of some use this size and she picked up the army of the enemy in handfuls and double handfuls and put them back into their ships and gave a little flip to each transport ship with her finger and thumb which sent the ships off so fast that they never stopped till they reached their own country and when they arrived there the whole army to a man said it would rather be caught marshaled a hundred times over than go near the place again meantime melisand sitting on the highest hill on the island felt the land trembling and shivering under her giant feet i do believe i'm getting too heavy she said and jumped off the island into the sea which was just up to her ankles just then a great fleet of warships and gunboats and torpedo boats came in sight on their way to attack the island melisand could easily have sunk them all with one kick but she did not like to do this because it might have drowned the sailors and besides it might have swamped the island so she simply stooped and picked the island as you would pick a mushroom for of course all islands are supported by a stalk underneath and carried it away to another part of the world so that when the warships got to where the island was marked on the map they found nothing but sea and a very rough sea it was because the princess had churned it all up with her ankles as she walked away through it with the island when melisand reached a suitable place for a sunny and warm and with no sharks in a water she sat down the island and the people made it fast with anchors and then everyone went to bed thanking the kind fate which had sent them so great a princess to help them in their need and calling her the savior of her country and the bulwark of the nation but it is poor work being the nation's bulwark and your country's savior when you are miles high and have no one to talk to and when all you want to be is your humble right size again and to marry your sweetheart and when it was dark the princess came close to the island and looked down from far up at her palace and her tower and cried and cried and cried it does not matter how much you cry into the sea it hardly makes any difference however large you may be then when everything was quite dark the princess looked up at the stars I wonder how soon I shall be big enough to knock my head against them said she and as she stood stargazing she heard a whisper right in her ear a very little whisper but quite plain cut off your hair it said now everything the princess was wearing had grown big along with her so that now they're dangled from her golden girdle a pair of scissors as big as the Malay peninsula together with a pincushion the size of the isle of white and a yard measure that would have gone round Australia and when she heard the little little voice she knew it small as it was for the dear voice of prince florizel and she whipped out the scissors from her gold case and snipped snipped snipped all her hair off and it fell into the sea the coral insects got hold of it at once and set to work on it and now they have made it into the biggest coral reef in the world but that has nothing to do with the story then the voice said get close to the island and the princess did but you could not get very close because she was so large and she looked up again at the stars and they seemed to be much farther off then the voice said be ready to swim and she felt something climb out of her ear and clamber down her arm the stars got farther and farther away and next moment the princess found herself swimming in the sea and prince florizel swimming beside her i crept onto your hand when you were carrying the island he explained when their feet touched the sand and they walked in through the shallow water and i got into your ear with an ear trumpet you never noticed me because you were so great then oh my dear prince cried melisand falling into his arms you have saved me i am my proper size again so they went home and told the king and queen both were very very happy but the king rubbed his chin with his hand and said you've certainly had some fun for your money young man but don't you see we're just where we were before why the child's hair is growing already and indeed it was then once more the king sent a letter to his godmother he sent it by a flying fish and by return of fish came the answer just back for my holidays sorry for your troubles why not try scales and on this message the whole court pondered for weeks but the prince caused a pair of gold scales to be made and hung them up in the palace gardens under a big oak tree and one morning he said to the princess my darling melisand i really must speak seriously to you we are getting on in life i am nearly twenty it is time that we thought of being settled will you trust me entirely and get into one of those gold scales so he took her down so he took her down into the garden and helped her into the scale and she curled up in it in her green and gold gown like a little grass mound with butter cups on it and what is going into the other scale asked melisand your hair said florizel you see when your hair is cut off you it grows and when you are cut off your hair you grow oh my heart's delight i can never forget how you grew never but if when your hair is no more than you and you are no more than your hair i snip the scissors between you and it then either you nor your hair can possibly decide which or to go on growing suppose both did said the poor princess humbly impossible said the prince with a shutter there are limits even to malevolous malevolence and besides fortuna said scales will you try it i will do whatever you wish said the poor princess but let me kiss my father and mother once and nurse and you too my dear in case i grow large again and can kiss nobody anymore so they came one by one and kissed the princess then the nurse cut off the princess's hair and at once it began to grow at a frightful rate the king and queen and nurse busily packed it as it grew into the other scale and gradually the scale went down a little the prince stood waiting between the scales with his drawn sword and just before the two were equals he struck but during the time his sword took to flash through the air the princess's hair grew a yard or two so that at the instant when he struck the balance was true you are a young man of sound judgment said the king embracing him while the queen and the nurse ran to help the princess out of the gold scale the scale full of golden hair bumped down onto the ground as the princess stepped out of the other one and stood there before those who loved her laughing and crying with happiness because she remained her proper size and her hair was not growing anymore she kissed her prince a hundred times and the very next day they were married everyone remarked on the beauty of the bride and it was noticed that her hair was quite short only five feet five and a quarter inches long just down to her pretty ankles because the scales had been ten feet ten and a half inches apart and the prince having a straight eye had cut the golden hair exactly in the middle end of melisand fortunatus rex and co from nine unlikely tales this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information and to volunteer please visit libravox.org read by kori samuel nine unlikely tales by e nesbit fortunatus rex and co there was once a lady who found herself in middle life with but a slight income knowing herself to be insufficiently educated to be able to practice any other trade or calling she of course decided without hesitation to enter the profession of teaching she opened a very select boarding school for young ladies the highest references were given and required and in order to keep her school as select as possible miss fitsroy robinson had a brass plate fastened onto the door with an inscription in small polite lettering you have of course heard of the polite letters well it was with these that miss fitsroy robinson's door plate was engraved select boarding establishment for the daughters of respectable monarchs a great many kings who were not at all respectable would have given their royal ears to be allowed to send their daughters to this school but miss fitsroy robinson was very firm about references and the consequence was that all the really high class kings were only too pleased to be permitted to pay ten thousand pounds a year for their daughter's education and so miss fitsroy robinson was able to lay aside a few pounds as a provision for her old age and all the money she saved was invested in land only one monarch refused to send his daughter to miss fitsroy robinson on the ground that so cheaper school could not be a really select one and it was found out afterwards that his references were not at all satisfactory there were only six borders and of course the best masters were engaged to teach the royal pupils everything which their parents wished them to learn and as the girls whenever asked to do lessons except when they felt quite inclined they all said it was the nicest school in the world and cried at the very thought of being taken away thus it happened that the six pupils were quite grown up and were just becoming parlor borders when events began to occur princess daisy the daughter of king fortunatus the ruling sovereign was the only little girl at the school now it was when she had been at school about a year that a ring came at the front doorbell and the maid servant came to the schoolroom with a visiting card held in the corner of her apron for her hands were wet because it was washing day a gentleman to see you miss she said and miss fitsroy robinson was quite fluttered because she thought it might be a respectable monarch with a daughter who wanted teaching but when she looked at the card she left off fluttering and said dear me under her breath because she was very genteel if she had been vulgar like some of us she would have said bother and if she had been more vulgar than i hope any of us are she might have said drat the man the card was large and shiny and had gold letters on it miss fitsroy robinson read chevalier de laura de laura professor of magic white and the black art pupils instructed at their own residences no extras special terms for schools evening parties attended miss fitsroy robinson laid down her book she never taught without a book smoothed her yellow cap and her gray curls and went into the front parlor to see her visitor he bowed low at sight of her he was very tall and hungry looking with black eyes and an indescribable mouth it is indeed a pleasure said he smiling so as to show every one of his 32 teeth a very polite but very difficult thing to do it is indeed a pleasure to meet once more my old pupil the pleasure is mutual i am sure said miss fitsroy robinson if it is sometimes impossible to be polite and truthful at the same moment that is not my fault nor miss fitsroy robinsons i have been traveling about said the professor still smiling immeasurably increasing my stock of wisdom ah dear lady we live and learn do we not and now i am really a far more competent teacher than when i had the honor of instructing you may i hope for an engagement as professor in your academy i have not yet been able to arrange for a regular course of magic said the school mistress it is a subject in which parents especially royal ones take but too little interest it was your favorite study said the professor yes but well no doubt some day but i want an engagement now said he looking hungrier than ever a thousand pounds for thirteen lessons to you dear lady it's quite impossible said she and she spoke firmly for she knew from history how dangerous it is for a magician to be allowed anywhere near a princess some harm almost always comes of it oh very well said the professor you see my pupils are all princesses she went on they don't require the use of magic they can get all they want without it then it's no said he it's no thank you kindly said she then before she could stop him he sprang past her out of the door and she heard his boots on the oil cloth of the passage she flew after him just in time to have the schoolroom door slammed and locked in her face well i never said miss Fitzroy Robinson she hastened to the top of the house and hurried down the schoolroom chimney which had been made with steps in case of fire or other emergency she stepped out of the grate onto the schoolroom hearth rug just one second too late the seven princesses were all gone and the professor of magic stood alone among the ink stained desks smiling the largest smile miss Fitzroy Robinson had seen yet oh you naughty bad wicked man you said she shaking the school ruler at him the next day was saturday and the king of the country called as usual to take his daughter daisy out to spend her half holiday the servant who opened the door had a coarse apron on and cinders in her hair and the king thought it was sackcloth and ashes and said so a little anxiously but the girl said no i've only been the doing of the kitchen range though for the matter of that but you best see missus herself so the king was shown into the best parlor where the tasteful wax flowers were and the anti-macassas and watercolor drawings executed by the pupils and the wool mats which miss Fitzroy Robinson's bedridden aunt made so beautifully a delightful parlor full of the traces of the refining touch of a woman's hand miss Fitzroy Robinson came in slowly and sadly her gown was neatly made of sackcloth with an ingenious trimming of small cinders sewn on gold braid and some larger sized cinders dangled by silken threads from the edge of her lace cap the king saw it once that she was annoyed about something i hope i'm not too early said he your majesty she answered not at all you were always punctual as stated in your references something has happened i will not aggravate your misfortunes by breaking them to you your daughter daisy the pride and treasure of our little circle has disappeared her six royal companions are with her for the present all are safe but at the moment i'm unable to lay my hand on any one of the seven the king sat down heavily on part of the handsome walnut and rep suite ladies and gentlemen's easy chairs couch and six occasional chairs and gasped miserably he could not find words but the schoolmistress had written down what she was going to say on a slate and learned it off by heart so she was able to go on fluently your majesty i'm not wholly to blame hang me if i am i mean hang me if you must but first allow me to have the honor of offering to you one or two explanatory remarks with this she sat down and told him the whole story of the professor's visit only stopping where i stopped when i was telling it to you just now the king listened plucking nervously at the fringe of a purple and crimson anti-mccasa i never was satisfied with the professor's methods said misfits for a robinson sadly and i always had my doubts as to his moral character doubts now set at rest forever after concluding my course of instruction with him some years ago i took a series of lessons from far more efficient master and thanks to those lessons which were i may mention extremely costly i was mercifully unable to put a spoke in the wheel of the unprincipled ruffian did you save the princesses cried the king no but i can if your majesty and the other parents will leave the matter entirely in my hands it's a rather serious matter said the king my poor little daisy i would ask you said the schoolmistress with dignity not to attach too much importance to this event of course it is regrettable but unpleasant accidents occur in all schools and the consequences of them can usually be averted by the exercise of tact and judgment i ought to hang you you know said the king doubtfully no doubt said misfits for a robinson and if you do you'll never see your daisy again your duty as a parent yes and your duty to me conflicting duties are very painful things but can i trust you i may remind you said she drawing herself up so that the cinders rattled again that we exchanged satisfactory references of the commencement of our business relations the king rose well misfits for a robinson he said i have been entirely satisfied with daisy's progress since she has been in your charge and i feel i cannot do better than leave this matter entirely in your able hands the schoolmistress made him a curtsy and he went back to his marble palace a broken-hearted monarch with his crown all on one side and his poor dear nose red with weeping the select boarding establishment was shut up time went on and no news came of the lost princesses the king found but little comfort in the fact that his other child prince denis was still spared to him denis was all very well and a nice little boy in his way but a boy is not a girl the queen was much more broken-hearted than the king but of course she had the housekeeping to see to and the making of the pickles and preserves and the young prince's stockings to knit so she had not much time for weeping and after a year she said to the king my dear you ought to do something to distract your mind it's unking like to sit and cry all day now do make an effort do something useful even if it's only opening a bazaar or laying a foundation stone i'm frightened of bazaars said the king they're like bees they buzz and worry but foundation stones and after that he began to sit and think sometimes without crying and to make notes on the back of old envelopes so the queen felt that she had not spoken quite in vain a month later the suggestion of foundation stones bore fruit the king floated a company and fortunatus rex and co became almost at once the largest speculative builders in the world perhaps you do not know what a speculative builder is i'll tell you what the king and his company did and then you will know they bought all the pretty woods and fields they could get and cut them up into squares and grubbed up the trees and the grass and put streets there and lamp posts and ugly little yellow brick houses in the hopes that people would want to live in them and curiously enough people did so the king and his co made quite a lot of money it is curious that nearly all the great fortunes are made by turning beautiful things into ugly ones making beauty out of ugliness is very ill-paid work the ugly little streets called further and further out of the town eating up the green country like greedy yellow caterpillars but at the foot of the clover hill they had to stop for the owner of clover hill would not sell any land at all for any price that fortune artist rex and co could offer in vain the solicitors of the company called on the solicitors of the owner wearing their best cloaks and swords and shields and took them out to lunch and gave them nice things to eat and drink clover hill was not for sale at last however a little old woman all in gray called the company's shining brass and mahogany offices and had a private interview with the king himself i am the owner of clover hill said she and you may build on all its acres except the seven at the top and the fifteen acres that go around that seven and you must build me a high wall round the seven acres and another round the fifteen of red brick mind none of your cheap yellow stuff and you must make a brand new law that anyone who steals my fruit is to be hanged from the tree he stole it from that's all what do you say the king said yes because since his trouble he cared for nothing but building and his royal soul longed to see the green clover hill eaten up by yellow brick caterpillars with slate tops he did not at all like building the two red brick walls but he did it now the old woman wanted the walls and the acres to be this sort of shape circles but it was such a bother getting the exact amount of ground into the two circles that all the surveyors tore out their hair by handfuls and at last the king said oh bother do it this way and drew a plan on the back of an old act of parliament so they did and it was like this squares the old lady was very vexed when she found that there was only one wall between her orchard and the world as you see was the case at the corner where the two ones in the fifteen meet but the king said he couldn't afford to build it all over again and that she'd got her two walls as she had said so she had to put up with it only she insisted on the king's getting her a fierce bulldog to fly at the throat of any one who should come over the wall at that weak point where the two ones join on to the fifteen so he got her a stout bulldog whose name was Martha and brought it in himself in a dueled leash Martha will fly at any one who is not of kingly blood said he of course she wouldn't dream of biting a royal person but then on the other hand royal people don't rob orchards so the old woman had to be contented she tied Martha up in the unprotected corner of her inner enclosure and then she planted little baby apple trees and had a house built and sat down in it and waited and the king was almost happy the creepy crawly yellow caterpillars ate up clover hill all except the little green crown on the top where the apple trees were and the two red brick walls and the little house and the old woman the poor queen went on seeing to the jam and the pickles and the blanket washing and the spring cleaning and every now and then she would say to her husband a fortune artist my love do you really think miss fits for a robinson is trustworthy shall we ever see our daisy again and the king would rumple his fair hair with his hands till it stuck out like cheese straws under his crown and answer my dear you must be patient you know we had the very highest references now one day the new yellow brick town the king had built had a delightful experience six handsome princes on beautiful white horses came riding through the dusty little streets the housings of their chargers shone with silver embroidery and gleaming glowing jewels and their gold armor flashed so gloriously in the sun that all the little children clapped their hands and the princess faces were so young and kind and handsome that all the old women said bless their pretty hearts now of course you will not need to be told that these six princes were looking for the six grown-up princesses who had been so happy at the select boarding establishment their six royal fathers who lived many years journey away on the other side of the world and had not yet heard that the princesses were mislaid had given miss fits for a robinson's address to these princes and instructed them to marry the six princesses without delay and bring them home but when they got to the select boarding establishment for the daughters of respectable monarchs the house was closed and a card was in the window saying that this desirable villa residence was to be let on moderate terms furnished or otherwise the wax fruit under the glass shade still showed attractively through the dusty panes the six princes looked through the window by turns they were charmed with the furniture and the refining touch of a woman's hand drew them like a magnet they took the house but they had their meals at the palace by the king's special invitation king fortune artist told the princess the dreadful story of the disappearance of the entire select school and each prince swore by his sword hilt and his honor that he would find out the particular princess that he was to marry or perish in the attempt for of course each prince was to marry one princess mentioned by name in his instructions and not one of the others the first night that the princess spent in a furnished house passed quietly enough so did the second and the third and the fourth fifth and sixth but on the seventh night as the princess sat playing spillikins in the school room they suddenly heard a voice that was not any of theirs it said open up africa the princess looked here there and everywhere but they could see no one they had not been brought up to the exploring trade and could not have opened up africa if they had wanted to or cut through the isthmus of panamar said the voice again now as it happened none of the six princes were engineers they confessed as much cut up china then said the voice desperately it's like the ghost of a tori newspaper said one of the princes and then suddenly they knew that the voice came from one of the pair of globes which hung in frames at the end of the school room it was the terrestrial globe i'm inside said the voice i can't get out oh cut the globe anywhere and let me out but the african route is most convenient prince primus opened up africa with his sword and out tumbled half a professor of magic my other halves in there he said pointing to the celestial globe let my legs out too but prince secundus said not so fast and prince tertius said why were you shut up i was shut up for as pretty a bit of parlor magic as ever you saw in all your born days said the top half of the professor of magic oh you were were you said prince quarters well your legs aren't coming out just yet we want to engage competent magician you'll do but i'm not all here said the professor quite enough of you said prince quintus now look here said prince sextus we want to find our six princesses we can give a very good guess as to how they were lost but we'll let bygones be bygones you tell us how to find them and after our weddings we'll restore your legs to the light of day this half of me feels so faint said the half professor of magic what are we to do said all the princes threateningly if you don't tell us you shall never have a leg to stand on steel apples said the half professor hoarsely and fainted away they left him lying on the bare boards between the ink stained desks and off they went to steal apples but this was not so easy because fortune artist rex and co had built and built and built and apples do not grow freely in those parts of the country which have been opened up by speculative builders so at last they asked the little prince denis why he went for apples when he wanted them and denis said the old woman at the top of clover hill has apples in her seven acres and in her fifteen acres but there's a fierce bulldog in the seven acres and i've stolen all the apples in the fifteen acres myself we'll try the seven acres said the princess very well said denis you'll be hanged if you're caught so as i put you up to it i'm coming to and if you won't take me i'll tell so there for denis was a most honorable little prince and felt that you must not send others into danger unless you go yourself and he would never have stolen apples if it had not been quite as dangerous as leading armies so the princess had to agree and the very next night denis let himself down out of his window by a knotted rope made of all the stockings his mother had knitted for him and the grown-up princes were waiting under the window and off they all went to the orchard on top of clover hill they climbed the wall at the proper corner and martha the bulldog who was very well bred and knew a prince when she saw one wagged her kinked tail respectfully and wished them good luck the princess stole over the dewy orchard grass and looked at tree after tree there were no apples on any of them only at last in the very middle of the orchard there was a tree with a copper trunk and brass branches and leaves of silver and on it hung seven beautiful golden apples so each prince took one of the golden apples very quietly and off they went anxious to get back to the half professor of magic and learn what to do next no one had any doubt as to the half professor having told the truth for when your legs depend on your speaking the truth you will not willingly tell a falsehood they stole away as quietly as they could each with a golden apple in his hand but as they went prince deniz could not resist his longing to take a bite out of his apple he opened his mouth very wide so as to get a good bite and the next moment he howled aloud for the apple was as hard as stone and the poor little boy had broken nearly all his first teeth he flung the apple away in a rage and the next moment the old woman rushed out of her house she screamed martha barked prince deniz howled the whole town was aroused and the six princes were arrested and taken under a strong guard to the tower deniz was let off on the ground of his youth and besides he had lost most of his teeth which is a severe punishment even for stealing apples the king sat in his hall of justice next morning and the old woman and the princes came before him when the story had been told he said my dear fellows i hope you'll excuse me the laws of hospitality are strict but business is business after all i should not like to have any constitutional unpleasantness over a little thing like this you must all be hanged tomorrow morning the princes were extremely faxed but they did not make a fuss they asked to see deniz and told him what to do so deniz went to the furnished house which had once been a select boarding establishment for the daughter's respectable monarchs the door was locked but deniz knew a way in because his sister had told him all about it one holiday he got up on the roof and walked down the schoolroom chimney there on the schoolroom floor lay half a professor of magic struggling feebly and uttering sad faint squeals what are we to do now said deniz steel apples said the half professor in a weak whisper do let my legs out slice up the great bear or the milky way would be a good one for them to come out by but deniz knew better not until we get the lost princesses said he now what's to be done steel apples i tell you said the half professor crossley seven apples there seven kisses cut them down oh do go along with you do leave me to die you heartless boy i've got pins and needles in my legs then off ran deniz to the seven acre orchard at the top of clover hill and there were the six princess hanging to the apple tree and the hangman had gone home to his dinner and there was no one else about and the princess were not dead deniz climbed up the tree and cut the princess down with the penknife of the gardener's boy you will often find this penknife mentioned in your german exercises now you know why so much fuss is made about it the princess fell to the ground and when they recovered their wits deniz told them what he had done oh why did you cut us down said the princess we were having such happy dreams well said deniz shutting up the penknife of the gardener's boy of all the ungrateful chaps and he turned his back and marched off but they ran quickly after him and thanked him and told him how they had been dreaming of walking arm in arm with most dear and lovely princesses in the world well said deniz it's no use dreaming about them you've got your own registered princesses defined and the half professor says steal apples there aren't any more to steal so the princess but when they looked there were the gold apples back on the tree just as before so once again they each picked one deniz chose a different one this time he thought it might be softer the last time he had chosen the biggest apple but now he took the littlest apple of all seven kisses he cried and began to kiss the little golden apple each prince kissed the apple he held till the sound of kisses was like the whisper of the evening wind in leafy trees and of course at the seventh kiss each prince found that he had in his hand not an apple but the fingers of a lovely princess as for deniz he had got his little sister daisy and he was so glad he promised at once to give her his guinea pigs and his whole collection of foreign postage stamps what is your name dear and lovely lady asked prince primus sexta said his princess and then it turned out that every single one of the princess had picked the wrong apple so that each one had a princess who was not the one mentioned in his letter of instructions sequenders had plucked the apple that held quinta and terseus held quarter and so on and everything was as criss-cross crooked as it could possibly be and yet nobody wanted to change then the old woman came out of her house and looked at them and chuckled and she said you must be contented with what you have we are said all 12 of them but what about our parents they must put up with your choice said the old woman it's the common lot of parents i think you ought to sort yourselves out properly said deniz i'm the only one who got his right princess because i wasn't greedy i took the smallest the tallest princess showed him a red mark on her arm where his little teeth had been two nights before and everybody laughed but the old woman said they can't change my dear when a princess picked a golden apple that has a princess in it and has kissed it till she comes out no other princess will ever do for him any more than any other prince will ever do for her while she was speaking the old woman got younger and younger and younger till as she spoke the last words she was quite young not more than 55 and it was miss Fitzroy Robinson her pupils stepped forward one by one with respectful curtsies and she allowed them to kiss her on the cheek just as if it was breaking up day then all together and very happily they went down to the furnished villa that had once been the select school and when the half professor had promised on his honor as a magician to give up magic and take to a respectable trade they took his legs out of the starry sphere and gave them back to him and he joined himself together and went off full of earnest resolve to live and die an honest plumber my talents won't be quite wasted said he a little hanky panky is useful in most trades when the king asked miss Fitzroy Robinson to name her own reward for restoring the princesses she said make the land green again your majesty so fortune artist rex and co devoted themselves to pulling down and cutting off the yellow streets they had built and now the country there is almost as green and pretty as it was before princess daisy and the six parlor borders were turned into gold apples it was very clever of dear miss Fitzroy Robinson to shut that professor in those two globes said the queen it shows the advantage of having lessons from the best masters yes said the king i always say that you cannot go far wrong if you insist on the highest references end of fortune artist rex and co the sums that came right from nine unlikely tales this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information and to volunteer please visit libra vox.org read by kori samuel nine unlikely tales by e nesbitt the sums that came right if twenty seven barrels full of apples cost twenty five pounds thirteen shillings and throopants what would the same barrels be worth if they had been packed by a dishonest person who only put in seven ninths of apples in each barrel and the rest sawdust this was the sum it does not look very hard perhaps to you who have studied ardently for years at a board school or a high school or a preparatory school for the sons of gentlemen but to edwin it looked as hard as a ship's biscuit but he went for it like a man and presently produced an answer and his master wrote a big curly r across the sum perhaps you do not know that a big curly r means right as for the answer to the sum i will try to get a fellow of trinity college cambridge who is a very terrible person to work it out for you and if he can do it i will put the answer at the end of this story i cannot work it myself edwin was glad to see the large curly r he saw it so seldom that to meet it was a real pleasure but what's the use he said everything else leads to something else except lessons if you put seeds in the garden they come up flowers unless they're rotten seeds or you forget where you put them and if you buy a rabbit well there it is unless it dies and if you eat your dinner well you're not hungry anymore for an hour or two but lessons he bit his pen holder angrily and put his head into his desk to look for nibs to play simpkins minor with you know the game of nibs of course he held up the lid of the desk on his head as i dare say you have often done and the inside of the desk was darkish so that the sudden light at the very back of the desk showed quite brightly and unmistakably those firework fuses all crikey was edwin's first thought but it was no firework fuse it was like glow worms only a thousand times more bright and white for it was the light of pure reason and it glowed from the glorious eyes of the arithmetic fairy you did not know that there was an arithmetic fairy if you knew as much as i do it would be simply silly for me to try to tell you stories wouldn't it her wonderful eyes gleamed and flashed straight into the round gobbling eyes of the amazed edwin upon my word she said edwin said nothing did no one ever tell you the fairy went on shaking out her dress which was woven of the integral calculus and trimmed with a dazzling fringe of logarithms did no one ever tell you that the things that happen when you've done your sums right happen when you're grown up i don't care what happens then edwin dared to say for the flashing eyes were kind eyes i shall be a pirate or a bush ranger or something the fairy drew herself up and her graceful garland of simple equations trembled as edwin breathed heavily a pirate said she a nice sort of pirate who can't calculate his men's shares of the plunder to three seventeenths of a gold link of the dead captain's chain a fine bush ranger who can't arrange the 42 bullets from the revolvers of his seven dauntless followers so that each of the 15 enemies gets his fair share go along with you said the arithmetic fairy but edwin's eyes were as i said wide open gobbling i say he suddenly remarked how jolly pretty you are the arithmetic fairy has but one weakness a feminine weakness she loves a pretty speech if blunt so much the worse yet even bluntness she looked down and played shyly with a bunch of miscellaneous examples in vulgar fractions which adorned her waistband i suppose you can't be expected to understand yet she said and she said it very gently edwin took courage when i do things i want something to happen at once i want a white rabbit and i want it now she did not recognize the quotation get your master to set you a little simple multiplication sum in white rabbits she said goodbye my child you'll know me better in time and as you know me better you'll love me more i you're lovely now said edwin the fairy laughed and spread her dazzling wings glistening with all the glories of the higher mathematics edwin closed dazzled eyes and opened them as the desk lid shut down on his head swayed by no uncertain hand it was the mathematical master's hand in fact a new example was set and curiously enough white rabbits were in it if seven thousand five hundred and sixty three white rabbits it began edwin his brain in a while worked it correctly by a sort of inspiration like an ancient prophet or a calculating machine when he returned with his books in a strap to the red villa whose gables meant home for him he found an excited crowd dancing round the white painted gates the whole of the front garden as well as most of the back garden was a seething mass of white rabbits seven thousand five hundred and sixty three there were to be exact i alone know this the joyous edwin and his distracted parents were never able to count them what a lot of hutches we shall want edwin thought gaily but when his father came home from the stock exchange where he spent his days in considering seven and five eighths and ten and three thirty seconds no doubt under the direct guidance of the arithmetic fairy he said at once send for the polterer this was done only one pair of white rabbits remained the property of edwin but these by the power of the arithmetic fairy became ten by christmas the rabbits disposed of peace spread a longing wing over the villa but was not allowed to settle oh please the startled cook cap all crooked exclaimed in the hall the seller is chock full of apples most from badham i never see no one deliver them nor yet give no receipt the cook for once in a lurid career spoke truth the seller was full of apples nineteen pounds nineteen and two and one-third of a penny worth to be accurate edwin went to bed feeling now quite sure that he had not dreamed the arithmetic fairy and anxiously wondering what tomorrow's sums would be about not he trusted about snakes or sunday school teachers the next day some was about oranges edwin did it correctly and went home a prey to the most golden apprehensions nor were these unfounded the whole of the dining room and most of the hall up to the seventh step of the neatly carpeted stairs was golden with oranges edwin's father said some severe things about practical jogers and sent for the greengrocer edwin ate nine and three sevenths oranges and went to bed yellow but not absolutely unhappy but now he was quite sure on the following day his sum dealt with elephants and in such numbers that his father on returning from business yielded to a very natural annoyance and gave notice to his landlord that he should at ladyday leave a villa where elephants and oranges occurred to such an extent no one suspected edwin of having anything to do with these happenings and indeed it was not his fault so how and why could or should he have owned up to it i wish i had time to tell you of the events that occurred when edwin's sums were set in buttered muffins of the 75 pigs traveling in a circle at varying rates i can only say that part of this circle ran through edwin's mother's drawing room nor can i hear relate the tale of the 300 lightning conductors which was suddenly found to be attached to the once happy villa home edwin's mother cried all day when she was not laughing and people came from far and near to see the haunted house for when it came to four thousand white owls and a church steeple everyone felt that it was more than a mere accident edwin's master had a pretty taste in sums and about once a term he used to set a sum about canes edwin worked that sum wrong on purpose so i suppose it served him right that the canes should be at home before he was just as they would have been if he had worked the sum properly and as he had borrowed his father's razor that morning to sharpen a slate pencil the 57 canes were not all thrown away but it was the sum about the system that convinced edwin of the desperate need of finding the arithmetic fairy and begging her to take back the present she had made him it is not polite to ask this but edwin had to do it you see in the sum the cistern had to leak three pints in 13 minutes and a quarter but the cistern at home happened to have a little leak of its own already where edwin had tried his new drill on it and the two leaks together managed so well that when edwin got home he found water dripping from all the top bedroom ceilings and the staircase was a sort of Niagara it was very exciting but when the plumber came he let edwin's father know all about the little drilled hole and edwin got the credit of the leak in the sum which was much larger and most unfair his father spoke to edwin about this matter in his study and it was then that edwin saw that he must put an end to the sums that came true so he went up to his bedroom with his candle and his arithmetic book directly he put the candle on the chest of drawers a big splash of water fell right on the flame and it went out he had to go right downstairs to get another light then he put the candle on the dressing table splash out it went chair splash out at last he got the candle to stay alight on the wash handstand which was by some curious accident the only dry place in the room then he opened his book somewhere in the book he knew there must be something that would fetch the fairy he said the multiplication table up to nine times after that as you know the worst is over but no fairy appeared then he read aloud the instructions for working the different rules including the examples given there was no result then he called to the fairy but she did not come then he tried counting then counting and calling mixed with other things like this oh good fairy one two three four five six seven do come and help me eight nine ten eleven beautiful dear kind lovely fairy nine nine's are eighty one dear fairy do come seven million two hundred thousand six hundred and fifty nine i will always love you if you will come to me now three sevenths of five ninths of five twelfths of sixteen fiftieths you were so kind the other day two and two are four and three are seven do come now you've no idea what an awful mess you've got me into seven nines are sixty three though i know you meant it kindly dear fairy thirteen from thirty seven leaves twenty four do come and see what a hole i'm in do come and the product will give you the desired result edwin stopped out of breath he looked round him for the fairy but his room with the water dripping from the roof and the wet towels and basins on the floor was not a fairy like place edwin saw with a sigh that it was no go i'll have another go in prep tomorrow he said this he did the mathematical master was pleased with himself that day because he had succeeded in preventing his best boy from yielding to the allurements of the headmaster and the classical side of course his class knew at once what kind of temper the mathematical master was in you know we always know that and edwin ventured to ask that the examples that day might be about a model steam engine only one sir please he was careful to explain the master kindly consented and by great good fortune the example did not deal with a faulty boiler nor with any other defect but concerned itself solely with the model engine's speed so edwin knew when he had worked his sum exactly what pace the model engine he would find at home would be good for he worked the sum right then he put his head into his desk and began again oh good fairy if a sum of four thousand seven hundred pounds is to be divided between ab and c do do come and help me three tenths of a pound is six shelling's dear fairy eleven twelve thirteen fourteen oh lovely fairy and so on but no fairy came and simpkins minor whispered what are you chunnering about and stuck a pin in edwin's leg can't you do the beastly example then quite suddenly edwin knew what he had to do he made up an example for himself this was it if seven thousand five hundred and thirty five fairies were in my desk at school and i subtracted seven hundred and ten and added one thousand and six and the rest flew away in seven hundred and eighty three equal gangs how many would be left over in the desk when he had worked it the answer was one very quickly he opened his desk again and there was the arithmetic fairy looking more lovely than ever in a rich gown of indices lined with serds that fell to her feet in oscillating curves in her hand like a scepter shone the starry glory of the binomial theorem but her eyes were starier still she smiled but her first words were severe you careless boy she said why can't you learn to be accurate it's the merest chance you got me you should have stated your problem more clearly and you should have said seven thousand arithmetic fairies why suppose you had found one fairy in your desk and it had been the grammar fairy or the football fairy what would you have done then is there a football fairy edwin asked of course there's a fairy for everything you have to learn there's a patient's fairy and a good temper fairy and a fairy to teach people to make bread and another to teach them to make love didn't you really know that no said edwin but i say look here i am looking she said fixing her bright eyes on edwin's gobbling ones exactly as at their first meeting no i mean oh i say he said so i hear she said no but no kid said he of course there isn't any kid said she dear kind pretty fairy edwin began again that's better said the fairy didn't you hear all i was saying to you yesterday when the water was dripping from the ceiling all over the room from nineteen several spots of course i did well then said edwin you mean that you're tired of having things happen when you do your sums correctly you prefer the old way yes please said edwin if you're sure you don't mind i know you meant it for kindness but oh it is most beastly when you get into the thick of it he was thinking of the elephants i fancy i only did it to please you said the fairy pouting i'll make everything as it was before does that please you and there's your third wish you know we always give three wishes it's customary in the profession what would you like edwin had not attended properly to this speech so he had only heard as it was before and then what would you like so he said i should like to see you again someday the arithmetic fairy smiled at him and her beauty grew more and more radiant she had not expected this i made sure you would ask for a pony or a cricket bat or a pair of white mice she said you shall see me again edwin goodbye and the bright vision faded away in a dim mist of rosy permutations when edwin got home he heard that a model engine had been discovered in the larder and had been given to his younger brother there are some wrongs some sorrows to which even a pen like mine cannot hope to do justice edwin is now a quiet looking grown-up person in a black frock coat and his hair is slowly withdrawing itself from the top of his learned head i suppose it feels itself unworthy to cover so great a brain the fairy has been with him unseen this many a year the other day he saw her he had been senior angler of course that was nothing to edwin and he was astronomer royal but that after all he had a right to expect but it was when he took breath from his researches one day and suddenly found that he had invented a brand new hyponebular hypothesis that he thought of the fairy and thinking of her he beheld her she was lightly poised above a pile of books based on newton's principia and topped with his own latest work the fourth and further dimensions he knew her at once and now he appreciated more than ever in his youth the radiance of her eyes and of her wings for now he understood it dear beautiful fairy he said how glad i am to see you again i've been with you all the time she said i wish i could do something more for you is there anything you want the great mathematician who was edwin ran his hand over his thin hair no he said no and then he remembered the school and simpkins minor and the old desk he used to keep firework fuses in unless he added you could make me young again she dropped a little tear clear a solved problem i can't do that she said you can't have everything the only person who could do that view is the love fairy if you had found her instead of me you would have always been young but you wouldn't have invented the hypernebular hypothesis i suppose i shall never find her now said edwin unless he spoke he looked out of the window to the garden where a girl was gathering roses i wonder said she the love fairy doesn't live in school desks or books on fourth dimensions i wonder said win does the love fairy live in gardens i wonder echoed the arithmetic fairy a little sadly and she spread her bright wings and flew out of the open window and out of this story edwin went out into the rose garden and did he find the love fairy i wonder ps the fellow of trinity says the answer to that sum is 19 pounds 19 shillings and two pence and one third of a penny does the fellow of trinity speak the truth i wonder end of the sums that came right