 In this video I am sharing the four secrets to a lasting long-term love and these secrets are so secret that I don't even technically know what the answer is. And by that I mean I'm not sure what the best four agreements are for your particular relationship. However, I will give you a conversation guide to figure that out and I will be sharing my four agreements in my marriage and I'm talking to other couples who will be sharing what their agreements are. All of this is going to happen right after we show some love to the sponsor of this video, you guessed it, Squarespace. Well, 2024 has arrived and yeah, it's time for a complete restructure. This year, Shan and I are embracing a new direction, focusing on artistically stunning and engaging content starting with Shan's website makeover. There's no better partner for this transformation than Squarespace, the proud sponsor of this video. Squarespace isn't just a sponsor for us, it's ideal for us in tailoring our brand and fit our unique needs and our desires. It stands as the ultimate platform for entrepreneurs looking to stand out and succeed online. With Squarespace, creating a captivating website is a breeze, allowing you to connect with your audience and know your audience with in-depth analytics plus you can sell everything from products and content to time. Now, while I can go on and on about Squarespace's impressive capabilities, I'll save that for later in the video. But if you're eager to explore Squarespace right now, for yourself, visit squarespace.com slash shan booty for a free trial, no credit card needed. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash shan booty to enjoy 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Enjoy the video. We'll talk soon. So I posted this video to Instagram. What's the honest secret to elastic marriage? Before we get to that. The other day, someone asked about the secret to elastic marriage and I said, constant mutual choreography. Five, six, seven, eight. And that's a beautiful analogy, right? Two people doing tons of incredibly difficult things with planning and rhythm. And the more I visualized that answer, the more I realized how f*** phony it was because the truth is, doing life with someone looks a whole lot less like this and more like this. And that's when it hit me. A good marriage is like playing the childhood game keep up while you also handle bills, individual goals, outside relationships, maybe kids, maybe pets, et cetera, et cetera. And don't get me wrong, often the game has a fun flow to it. But sometimes it's a dumpster fire where the only fun part is knowing you're not in it alone. And once in a while, one of you drops the ball and has to repent. And in extenuating circumstances, one person has to keep it all up alone so the other can heal. Learning to play together is a challenge. And that is why your first year can also be the messiest year of marriage. And then my brother-in-law who was helping us film this piece of content asked me, so what's the significance of this ball? And then I talked to other people who are also similarly a little gray on what the balloon represented. And so I thought, let me just make a video and make it crystal clear what I was trying to say. So in essence, when you were in a long-term relationship with someone, your relationship probably extends into various parts of your life, you know, the bills, the hobbies, the kids, the house, the all the other things you probably have going on. And sometimes what can happen is that people start to blur the lines and think that, oh, us being parents is our relationship. Us managing a house is our romantic relationship. Us having a business, a dog, again, all the list ensues. But it's not. The relationship is the balloon. And the balloon represents the agreements and priorities that you have between you as you do all these various tasks. And despite what tasks you are doing, that balloon of those agreements is still something that you have to be mindful of keeping up together, keeping on top of together. Now, the reason why it is four agreements and not 40 agreements, one, it's a homage to the book, the four agreements, which is an incredible book. And two, most people can only hold three to five bits of information in their brain at a time. So we want to ensure that what really matters to us is top of mind for us. And again, life is busy with multiple things being thrown in the air. So you want to keep it simple and clear when we do life together, when we do love together, these are the things that matter the most. So to satisfy the click baby YouTube title, the secret to a long lasting relationship is to identify your four agreements with someone else and then to remember those agreements and keep them top of mind in all that you do as long as you are committing to doing life with somebody else. So coming up with your four is both challenging because there are so many options out there and it is also unearthing because you have to go beneath what your initial reactions are going to be, right? You're going to want to say love, respect, trust, kindness, but underneath those, what do you actually mean and what genuinely matters and how do these things show up in a value system and values aren't just things that we believe, but they're also things that we act on. So the way that my husband and I came up with what is inside of our balloon, what are our four agreements is that we reverse engineered it and said, what would be grounds for getting divorced? Now it might be helpful for you to say what keeps us together or you might need the little nudge like us to go for the negative side. And interestingly, we actually very quickly came to a census on what our four agreements were. Now we had a little bit of a tricky time with a fifth and sixth additional piece that we were really thinking could fit in the four, but decided that we're going to keep them as reserve and then talk about it later because maybe in three years that thing that's five or six might make its way back to the list and end up being number two or three more on that later. Here's my list. Currently, the most important thing in our relationship is shared foresight, which means a mutual vision for our future together. This doesn't mean that we want the exact same things at the same time, but instead that we value what each of us desires and is moving towards and we will presently do whatever we can to make that foresight come to fruition. Our second agreement is a prioritization of individuality. It's important to know that some people come from a collectivist culture and some people come from an individualistic culture. Jared and I both come from an individualistic culture in which we believe that we are accountable for our own behaviors, that we are responsible for our own advocacy, and also it is our life's purpose to actualize our destiny and to reach our higher purpose. People can definitely help you, but by and large, this life is an individual pursuit with some team members. So in our relationship, we ask ourselves the question, is the best me possible in partnership with you? So far, the answer has been a resounding enthusiastic yes, but if for a prolonged period of time the answer was no, that would be grounds to reexamine the relationship and the point of the partnership. Third on our list is fondness, constant cultivated fondness. We actually went back and forth as to whether fondness or sexual connection should be number three. We ended up putting sexual connection at number five and kept fondness at three. And the reason why is best introduced by this clip from Jared's new podcast. How long does it take while you're in a relationship before you start looking at your wife's features or your girl's features to be like, what's that like? When everything starts bothering you about the person. Yeah, you start looking at her from the profile. The scientific answer to Mike's question is six months to a year. You start to notice them. And by year four, you've seen it all, baby. All the oogles, you smelt all the smellies you have experienced and witnessed all of the bottom feeding, vile, completely detestable humaneness of the other person. And that is because your honeymoon phase has ended that chemical cocktail that keeps you on that disillusioned high has now been turned down. And your love goes from being passionate to companion it. And that is not me casting a spell on you. That's just the nature of love running its course. And there's tons of positive benefits to love moving into the stage. But one of the negatives is that you no longer see that person without effort through rose colored glasses. And that is why fondness is important. You have to put the work in. There became a time in our relationship as we now come up to 10 years of knowing each other that I had to make a manual switch to trying to see my partner as if I was seeing him for the first time. And moreover, when you are seeing that person in not so first impression worthy moments, which spoiler alert is like 95% of relating with somebody, there is such an art to finding the awe in any egg, to seeing that person as full and fully lovable and adorable, despite being disgusting as all of us are. So yeah, fondness is definitely a skill that we work our asses off at. And I am fond as fuck of that man. And the fourth agreement that sits in our balloon, our pink balloon that we play keep up with all day long and our various tasks and roles and responsibilities is respect. And this is a heavy big word for me. And that is because it's associated with a past trigger in another relationship. The word respect was brought up so frequently and demanded in so many varied situations that I lost any attempt to understand what it could possibly mean or how I could give that to somebody. And I'm really grateful that in this relationship, respect is tied with a very clear action item that we both prioritize and agree on. And for us, respect means put a filter on that, please. Emotional regulation. I know that we do life together. We spend lots of time together. As a result, we could be subject to each other's changing moods or feelings or hidden triggers. And it's just nice to be around somebody who is mindful of not immediately making you the burden or the recipient of their first gut reaction. Put a filter on that, really assess before you move forward and you bring that energy to me. That's something as very simple as us driving together and not over-directing the others. Obviously, I'm speaking about myself in the passenger seat who really contend to be one of those annoying passenger drivers. And I've had to really just put a filter on that. Respect the driver, respect the leader in that moment, and knowing when silence is absolutely key. It also comes with not bringing jealousy or tainting relationships that exist outside of us, even if I feel away. It's again thinking of our other big priorities of foresight, that shared goal of individuality, of fondness, of respecting my partner and being fond of their choices. And then deciding if after consideration of all that, it's worth it for me to try to manage their behaviors or sway them to do something different than they naturally want to do. So respect is something very beautiful, something very bold. But it also is number four on our list for a reason because we acknowledge this is kind of the hardest thing to do. When you're around somebody as frequently as we're around each other, you can make a lot of slip-ups on this. And this is probably the agreement that I end up apologizing for the most. Honorable mention on this list is sexual connection. Jared and I started out as friends with benefits, fuck buddies if you're nasty. And so sexual compatibility and connection is really at the heart of our relationship. But we also acknowledge that because our role as new parents and new business owners is so all-encompassing and dear to us at this time, I don't think that it would be a reason that we would consider ending the marriage. I think that once other roles maybe are not as important or de-prioritized, it'll make its way back onto the list. But as of right now, it's number five with an honorable mention. So as you can tell, this is so specific because of course on someone else's list, there is going to be a shared love for God or shared values when it comes to religion and a higher power. Of course on somebody else's list, fidelity is going to be on there. Monogamy exclusivity is going to be on there. Of course on somebody else's list, it's going to be so important that you have similar values because that person is out in the community every single day doing advocacy work and they want somebody else who's on the same wavelength. So that's to say to Hallmark and highlight and underscore the point that there is no catch-all, one-size-fits-all secret to a healthy marriage. And when people try to come up with something like saying something like communication, it actually ends up doing more harm than good because everybody has their own specific connotation for what communication means and an action item associated with that. And so we're both saying the same things, but we mean two totally different things, but we don't know that we have to have these additional dialogues on top of it. We end up feeling like there's no hope because we can't even get past things that we have in common. So that's to be said, this is why I was so curious to talk with other couples to find out what their agreements were. And I'm happy to share that with you. Okay, little pause here, but let's just dive into why Squarespace is so impressive to me. First, their appointments feature has been a game changer for us, with our schedules being quite hectic. This feature streamlines our day-to-day management beautiful. And speaking of beauty, you've got to check out their fluid engine. It makes creativity so easy, and it's accessible from your browser or even your phone. And are you thinking of selling products? Squarespace has you covered here too. They assist with everything from product design to production to inventory and shipping, plus their mailing list management and analytics tools are top-notch. And the ease of designing and customizing your website is simply amazing. If any of this sparks your interest, visit squarespace.com slash shambudy to start your free trial, no credit card required. And when you're ready to launch, go back to squarespace.com slash shambudy to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Remember, that's squarespace.com slash shambudy for your free trial and 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Now enjoy the rest of this video. Yeah. Six is our probably top priority. And then he said parenting, which we've been parents for 15 months, which I was very like, I was like, Oh, parenting, like that, that should be my number one, right? That wasn't even where he's like, if you just check out and don't want to be a parent, we're done. And I'm like, Oh, I can't believe that wasn't all my thought that was his. I was like, that is so attractive. And they're like, I was so excited that he said that. Oh, no, effort, which that is not very, that's like a big thing, right? So like, if he's not putting in the effort, or if I'm not putting in the effort, then that's a don't break her for us. Like what does parenting mean? I think a lot of it kind of rolls into effort making sure your kid doesn't die and hopefully turns out to be a well informed, productive member of society. When we ask our partner to be a parent, what requirements or skills come with that? I can go first. Yeah, I love it. I love you talking. For me, I don't think it's really, it's definitely not just supervising them and making sure that they don't die before they're 18. I think you're just, man, it's like influencing them to be to reach the full potential of who they are and not trying to fit them inside a idealized box that I might have or some preconceived notion of what qualities I wanted to have. I just wanted to be the best version of whatever their flavor is. Yeah, I think for parenting, for me, is consistency. I want my child to know consistency of us just being there and guiding and helping and being constant with them. Daisie, do you want to go next? Sure. I talked a little bit about these with my husband. I know he wasn't able to make it, but let's see. So I'm kind of scared mine aren't like specific enough, but I have kind of not putting each other on a pedestal of that. Like, because I guess that kind of seems brown. I was a big thing, like we had to work with, because I grew up kind of like the golden kid, like just always the good girl, just everything like everyone expected so much. And then it's just like, I guess I am divorced. So like a big thing for me was like, you know, if I did anything, it was like, you hit everyone's what, you know? So a big thing for us is like kind of just being there and seeing each other as like normal people like flawed humans that we are. Really, you're not going to be perfect. I had to finally like really come to grips with that myself. And I think that what she said was, what did your friend say? She wanted to not be put on a pedestal by her husband. And I, that's brilliant. Greatest thing I've heard all year. It's only February, but so far it's great. It's just brilliant, because you won't get it right. And then another one would be like taking our mental health seriously, like doing the work and like accountability. Just always taking accountability when we, you know, do something all for a wrong. And just always being a safe space for each other when, you know, we have to have those tough conversations and everything. Just being able to not, I guess, yeah, just be a safe space for the other person not being like judgmental or like getting pissed or anything like that. Just telling some more. So like as a person, yeah. So those are my three. Cool. I like that. The pedestal thing that that feels like a really safe space to be in. And like both of them, both are allowed to make mistakes and that's okay. I am hoping my husband will join. So we'll let's see. But it's funny. Okay. So I, I get a bit of an unfair advantage in this conversation because I am a couples therapist and a therapist. So, so thank you for asking this question because it got us to really go deep into a pretty big part of our relationship. Now I know what is like, I can't fuck around with that. And what that is for him is an alignment with me. And what he said was this sort of lack of harmony or avoidance of things that are really important to him and people that are really important to him. So that means kind of like if I'm like just not efforting or I'm, I'm avoiding or I'm causing some fights or I'm not moving through my resentments of certain things that he loves, the people that he loves, his family and such. And that makes complete sense because that's mine too. We both have come together and each other's families have been a big part of our life. We've gone through a lot together. Our families outside of us have gone through a lot together and we've been taking that on as a couple does because now it's your family too. So I agree with that myself and it was really important for me to find somebody that wasn't an avoidant, like somebody that was not an avoidant of intimacy. That they were, I mean we can all be to some degree, you know, I'm having a moment, I don't want to get intimate, sure, but in all, like just somebody that just not letting that fear or the traumas of love or the lack of get in the way. So that has been a huge one for me. And thankfully we're always, it's like we're, that's never a doubt, you know, if we want to, we'll always be available for intimacy. And that doesn't always, and I think when I say intimacy, it's more so depth and vulnerability when it comes to psychologically rather than like physically. Although that's been like a bit of a tricky place for me to live in with him. And I, you know, I think I use your content to support me with that, Jen. And I guess another one that I would want to say is this notion of not growing together and or growing. And it's, it's really just this, I couldn't imagine myself, I'm a therapist and Toper, my husband does a lot of personal work too. And I just don't think we can be in a relationship if we're not willing to grow and grow, meaning we're not sticking in the unstuckness, like the stuckness, or sorry, not sticking around in the stuckness. Like, okay, if you got resentments, like, I don't care, like, we have to move through that, like we have to do something about that. You know, having just the ability to process, move through what isn't working, what's challenging thing with parenting, I've been really resentful and moving, but having to move through those things. And now I'm arrived in a place where like, we have different roles. And there's just some things that I'm might be better at, and he's going to be better at, and we're maybe in a phase where I'm better at, son, turn those things just it's great to be able to talk about relationships. It's like such a center of our quality of life. And yeah, so thank you for that opportunity. God only knows, I gotta feel those kinds of things, tell me what I done, huh? Tell me like it's magic, who's the heavy-reaching client acting?