 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain, author of The Innocence Abroad, Roughing It, The Prince and the Pauper, etc., with more than three hundred illustrations, sold by a subscription only, Boston James R. Osgood & Company, 1883. Chapter One, The River and Its History. The Mississippi is well worth reading about. It is not a commonplace river, but, on the contrary, is in all ways remarkable. Considering the Missouri, its main branch, it is the longest river in the world, 4,300 miles. It seems safe to say that it is also the crookedest river in the world, since in one part of its journey it uses up 1,300 miles to cover the same ground that the crow would fly over in 675. It discharges three times as much water as the St. Lawrence, 25 times as much as the Rhine, and 338 times as much as the Thames. No other river has so vast drainage basin. It draws its water supply from 28 states and territories, from Delaware on the Atlantic Seaboard, and from all the country between that and Idaho on the Pacific Slope, a spread of 45 degrees of longitude. The Mississippi receives and carries to the Gulf water from 54 subordinate rivers that are navigable by steamboats, and from some hundreds that are navigable by flats and keels. The area of its drainage basin is as great as the combined areas of England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, France, Spain, Portugal, Germany, Austria, Italy, and Turkey, and almost all this wide region is fertile. The Mississippi Valley proper is exceptionally so. It is a remarkable river in this that instead of widening towards its mouth, it grows narrower, grows narrower, and deeper. From the junction of the Ohio to a point halfway down to the sea, the width averages a mile in high water. Fenced to the sea, the width steadily diminishes, until, at the passes above the mouth, it is but little over half a mile. At the junction of the Ohio, the Mississippi's depth is 87 feet. The depth increases gradually, reaching 129 just above the mouth. The difference in rise and fall is also remarkable, not in the upper but in the lower river. The rise is tolerably uniform down to natches 360 miles above the mouth, about 50 feet. But at Bayou La Fouge, the river rises only 24 feet. At New Orleans, only 15, and just above the mouth, only two and one half. An article in the New Orleans Times Democrat based upon reports of Able engineers states that the river annually empties 406 million tons of mud into the Gulf of Mexico, which brings to mind Captain Marriott's rude name for the Mississippi, the Great Sewer. This mud, solidified, would make up mass a mile square and 241 feet high. The mud deposit gradually extends the land, but only gradually. It has extended it not quite a third of a mile in the 200 years, which have elapsed since the river took its place in history. The belief of the scientific people is that the mouth used to be at Baton Rouge, where the hills cease and that the 200 miles of land between there and the Gulf was built by the river. This gives us the age of that piece of country without any trouble at all, 120,000 years. Yet it is much the youthfulest batch of country that lies around there anywhere. The Mississippi is remarkable in still another way. It's disposition to make prodigious jumps by cutting through narrow necks of land and the straightening and shortening itself. More than once it has shortened itself 30 miles at a single jump. These cutoffs have had curious effects. They have thrown several river towns out into the rural districts and built up sandbars and forests in front of them. The town of Delta used to be three miles below Vicksburg. A recent cutoff has radically changed the position and Delta is now two miles above Vicksburg. Both of these river towns have been retired to the country by that cutoff. A cutoff plays havoc with boundary lines and jurisdictions. For instance, a man is living in the state of Mississippi today. The cutoff occurs tonight and tomorrow the man finds himself and his land over on the other side of the river within the boundaries and subject to the laws of the state of Louisiana. Such a thing happening in the upper rivers in the old times could have transferred a slave from Missouri to Illinois and made a free man of him. The Mississippi does not alter its locality by cutoffs alone. It is always changing its habitat bodily, is always moving bodily sideways. At hard times Louisiana the river is two miles west of the region it used to occupy. As a result the original site of that settlement is not now in Louisiana at all but on the other side of the river in the state of Mississippi. Nearly the whole of that 1,300 miles of old Mississippi river which LaSalle floated down in his canoes 200 years ago is good solid dry ground now. The river lies to the right of it in places and to the left of it in other places. Although the Mississippi's mud builds land but slowly down at the mouth where the Gulf's billows interfere with its work it builds fast enough in better protected regions higher up. For instance Prophet's Island contained 1,500 acres of land 30 years ago since then the river has added 700 acres to it. Good enough of these examples of the mighty streams eccentricities for the peasant I will give a few more of them further along in the book. Let us drop the Mississippi's physical history and say a word about its historical history so to speak. We can glance briefly at its slumbrous first epic in a couple of short chapters. At its second and wider awake epic in a couple more at its flushest and widest awake epic in a good many succeeding chapters and then talk about its comparatively tranquil present epic in what shall be left of the book. The world and the books are so accustomed to use and overuse the word new in connection with our country that we early get and permanently retain the impression that there is nothing old about it. We do of course know that there are several comparatively old dates in American history but the mere figures convey to our minds no just idea no distinct realization of the stretch of time which they represent. To say that De Soto the first white man who ever saw the Mississippi River saw it in 1542 is a remark which states a fact without interpreting it. It is something like giving the dimensions of a sunset by astronomical measurements and cataloging the colors by their scientific names. As a result you get the bald fact of the sunset but you don't see the sunset it would have been better to paint a picture of it. The date 1542 standing by itself means little or nothing to us but when one groups a few neighboring historical dates and facts around it he adds perspective and color and then realizes that this is one of the American dates which is quite respectable for age. For instance when the Mississippi was first seen by a white man less than a quarter of a century had elapsed since Francis the First's defeat at Pavia, the death of Raphael, the death of Bayard, the driving out of the night's hospitalers from roads by the Turks and the placarding of the 95 propositions the act which began the Reformation. When De Soto took his glimpse of the river Ignatius Loyola was an obscure name. The orders of the Jesuits was not yet a year old. Michael Angelo's paint was not yet dry on the last judgment in the Sistine Chapel. Mary, Queen of Scots was not yet born but would be before the year closed. Catherine de Medici was a child. Elizabeth of England was not yet in her teams. Calvin, Benvenuto Cellini and the Emperor Charles the Fifth were at the top of their fame and each was manufacturing history after his own peculiar fashion. Margaret of Navarre was writing the haptameron and some religious books. The First survives the others are forgotten with an indelicacy being sometimes better literature preservers than holiness. Lax court morals and the absurd chivalry business were in full feather and the choust and the tournament were the frequent pastime of titled fine gentlemen who could fight better than they could spell while religion was the passion of their ladies and classifying their offspring into children of full rank and children by breath at their pastime. In fact, all around religion was in a peculiarly blooming condition. The Council of Trent was being called. The Spanish Inquisition was roasting and racking and burning with a free hand elsewhere on the continent. The nations were being persuaded to wholly living by the sword and fire. In England, Henry the Eighth had suppressed the monasteries, burnt Fisher and another Bishop or two and was getting his English Reformation and his harem effectively started. When the sorrow stood on the banks of the Mississippi, it was still two years before Luther's death, eleven years before the burning of Cervantes, thirty years before the St. Bartholomew slaughter. Rabelé was not yet published. Don Quixote was not yet written. Shakespeare was not yet born. A hundred long years must still elapse before Englishmen could hear the name of Oliver Cromwell. Unquestionably, the discovery of the Mississippi is a datable fact which considerably mellows and modifies the shiny newness of our country and gives her a most respectable outside aspect of rustiness and antiquity. De Soto, nearly glimpse the river, then died and was buried in it by his priests and soldiers. One would expect the priests and the soldiers to multiply the river's dimensions by ten, the Spanish custom of the day, and thus move other adventurers to go at once and explore it. On the contrary, their narratives, when they reached home, did not excite that amount of curiosity. The Mississippi was left unvisited by whites during a term of years which seems incredible in our energetic days. One may sense the interval to his mind after a fashion by dividing it up in this way. After De Soto glimps the river, a fraction short of a quarter of a century elapsed, and then Shakespeare was born, lived a trifle more than half a century, then died, and when he had been in his grave considerably more than half a century, the second white man saw the Mississippi. In our day we don't allow a hundred and thirty years to elapse between glimpses of a marvel. If somebody should discover a creek in the county next to the one that the North Pole is in, Europe and America would start fifteen costly expeditions thither, one to explore the creek and the other fourteen to hunt for each other. For more than a hundred and fifty years there had been white settlements on our Atlantic coasts. These people were in intimate communication with the Indians. In the south the Spaniards were robbing, slaughtering, enslaving, and converting them. Higher up the English were trading beads and blankets to them for a consideration, and throwing in civilization and whiskey for l'agne. And in Canada the French were schooling them in a rudimentary way, missionarying among them, and drawing whole populations of them at a time to Quebec and later to Montreal to buy furs of them. Necessarily then these various clusters of whites must have heard of the great river of the far west, and indeed they did hear of it vaguely, so vaguely and indefinitely that its course, proportions, and locality were hardly even guessable. The mere mysteriousness of the matter ought to have fired curiosity and compelled exploration, but this did not occur. Apparently nobody happened to want such a river, nobody needed it, nobody was curious about it. So for a century and a half the Mississippi remained out of the market and undisturbed. When De Soto found it he was not hunting for a river and had no present occasion for one. Consequently he did not value it or even take any particular notice of it. But at last LaSalle the Frenchman conceived the idea of seeking out that river and exploring it. It always happens that when a man seizes upon a neglected and important idea, people inflamed with the same notion crop up all around. It happened so in this instance. Naturally the question suggests itself, why did these people want the river now when nobody had wanted it in the five preceding generations? Apparently it was because at this late day they thought they had discovered a way to make it useful. For it had come to be believed that the Mississippi emptied into the Gulf of California and therefore afforded a shortcut from Canada to China. Previously the supposition had been that it emptied into the Atlantic or Sea of Virginia. End of Chapter 1 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain Chapter 2 The River and Its Explorers LaSalle himself sued for certain high privileges and they were graciously accorded him by Louis XIV of Inflated Memory. Chief among them was the privilege to explore far and wide and build forts and stake out continents and hand the same over to the king and pay the expenses himself, receiving in return some little advantages of one sort or another among them the monopoly of buffalo hides. He spent several years and about all of his money in making perilous and painful trips between Montreal and a fort which he had built on the Illinois before he at last succeeded in getting his expedition in such a shape that he could strike for the Mississippi. And meantime other parties had had better fortune. In 1673 Juliet, the merchant, and Marquette, the priest, crossed the country and reached the banks of the Mississippi. They went by way of the Great Lakes and from Green Bay in Canoes by way of Fox River and the Wisconsin. Marquette had solemnly contracted on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception that if the Virgin would permit him to discover the Great River he would name it Conception in her honor. He kept his word. In that day all explorers traveled with an outfit of priests. De Soto had 24 with him. LaSalle had several also. The expeditions were often out of meat and scant of clothes, but they always had the furniture and other requisites for the Nass. They were always prepared, as one of the quaint chroniclers of the time phrased it, to explain hell to the savages. On the 17th of June 1673 the canoes of Juliet and Marquette and their five subordinates reached the junction of the Wisconsin with the Mississippi. Mr. Parkman says, before them a wide and rapid current course to thwart their way by the foot of lofty heights wrapped thick in forests. He continues, turning southward they paddled down the stream through a solitude unrelieved by the faintest trace of man. A big catfish collided with Marquette's canoe and startled him, and reasonably enough for he had been warned by the Indians that he was on a foolhardy journey and even a fatal one for the river contained a demon whose roar could be heard at a great distance and who would engulf them in the abyss where he dwelt. I have seen a Mississippi catfish that was more than six feet long and weighed 250 pounds, and if Marquette's fish was the fellow to that one, he had a fair right to think the river's roaring demon was calm. At length the buffalo began to appear, grazing in herds on the great prairies which then bordered the river, and Marquette describes the fierce and stupid look of the old bulls as they stared at the intruders through the tangled mane which nearly blinded them. The voyagers moved cautiously, landed at night and made a fire to cook their evening meal, then extinguished it, embarked again, paddled some way farther, and anchored in the stream, keeping a man on the watch till morning. They did this day after day and night after night, and at the end of two weeks they had not seen a human being. The river was an awful solitude then, and it is now over most of its stretch. But at the close of the fortnight they one day came upon the footprints of men in the mud of the western bank, a Robinson Crusoe experience which carries an electric shiver with it yet, when one stumbles on it in print. They had been warned that the river Indians were as ferocious and pitiless as the river demon, and destroyed all comers without waiting for provocation. But no matter, Juliet and Marquette struck into the country to hunt up the proprietors of the tracks. They found them by and by, and were hospitably received and well treated, if to be received by an Indian chief who had taken off his last rag in order to appear at his level best, is to be received hospitably, and if to be treated abundantly to fish, horridge, and other game, including dog, and have these things forked into one's mouth by the ungloved fingers of Indians, is to be well treated. In the morning the chief and six hundred of his tribesmen escorted the Frenchmen to the river and bade them a friendly farewell. On the rocks above the present city of Alton, they found some rude and fantastic Indian paintings which they describe. A short distance below, a torrent of yellow mud rushed furiously athwart the calm blue current of the Mississippi, boiling and surging and sweeping in its course logs, branches, and uprooted trees. This was the mouth of the Missouri, that savage river which descending from its mad career through a vast unknown of barbarism poured its turbid floods into the bosom of its gentle sister. By and by they passed the mouth of the Ohio, they passed cane breaks, they fought mosquitoes, they floated long day after day, through the deep silence and loneliness of the river, drowsing in the scant shade of makeshift awnings and broiling with the heat. They encountered and exchanged civilities with another party of Indians, and at last they reached the mouth of the Arkansas, about a month out from their starting point, where a tribe of war-whooping savages swarmed out to meet and murder them, but they appealed to the Virgin for help, so in place of a fight there was a feast, and plenty of pleasant palavar and falderol. They had proved to their satisfaction that the Mississippi did not empty into the Gulf of California or into the Atlantic. They believed it emptied into the Gulf of Mexico. They turned back now and carried their great news to Canada. But belief is not proof. It was reserved for LaSalle to furnish the proof. He was provokingly delayed by one misfortune after another, but at last got his expedition underway at the end of the year 1681. In the dead of winter, he and Henri de Tonti, son of Lorenzo Tonti, who invented the Tontine, his lieutenant started down the Illinois with the following of 18 Indians brought from New England and 23 Frenchmen. They moved in procession down the surface of the frozen river on foot and dragging their canoes after them on sledges. At Peoria Lake they struck open water and paddled dense to the Mississippi and turned their prowess southward. They plowed through the fields of floating ice, passed the mouth of the Missouri, passed the mouth of the Ohio by and by, and gliding by the wastes of bordering swamp landed on the 24th of February near the third Chickasaw Bluffs where they halted and built Fort Prudhomme. Again, says Mr. Parkman, they embarked and with every stage of their adventurous progress, the mystery of this vast new world was more and more unveiled. More and more they entered the realms of spring, the hazy sunlight, the warm and drowsy air, the tender foliage, the opening flowers, betokened the reviving life of nature. Day by day they floated down the great bends in the shadow of the dense forests and in time arrived at the mouth of the Arkansas. First they were greeted by the natives of this locality as Marquette had before been greeted by them with the booming of the wardrobe and the flourish of arms. The virgin composed the difficulty in Marquette's case. The pipe of peace did the same office for LaSalle. The white man and the red man struck hands and entertained each other during three days. Then to the admiration of the savages, LaSalle set up a cross with the arms of France on it and took possession of the whole country for the king, the cool fashion of the time, while the priest piously consecrated the robbery with a hymn. The priest explained the mysteries of the faith by signs for the saving of the savages, thus compensating them with possible possessions in heaven for the certain ones on earth which they had just been robbed of. And also by signs LaSalle drew from these simple children of the forest acknowledgments of fealty to Louis the Putrid over the water. Nobody smiled at these colossal ironies. These performances took place on the site of the future town of Napoleon, Arkansas, and there the first confiscation cross was raised on the banks of the Great River. Marquette and Juliet's voyage of discovery ended at the same spot, the site of the future town of Napoleon. When De Soto took his fleeting glimpse of the river, away back in the dim early days, he took it from that same spot, the site of the future town of Napoleon, Arkansas. Therefore three out of the four memorable events connected with the discovery and exploration of the mighty river occurred by accident in one and the same place. It is a most curious distinction. When one comes to look at it and think about it, France stole that vast country on that spot, the future Napoleon. And by and by, Napoleon himself was to give the country back again, make restitution not to the owners, but to their white American heirs. The voyagers journeyed on, touching here and there, passed the site since become historic of Vicksburg and Grand Gulf, and visited an imposing Indian monarch in the Tesh country, whose capital city was a substantial one of sun-baked bricks mixed with straw, better houses than many that exist there now. The chief's house contained an audience room forty feet square, and there he received 20 in state, surrounded by 60 old men closed in white cloaks. There was a temple in the town, with a mud wall about it ornamented with skulls of enemies sacrificed to the sun. The voyagers visited the Natchez Indians near the site of the present city of that name, where they found a religious and political despotism, a privileged class descended from the sun, a temple, and a sacred fire. It must have been like getting home again. It was home with an advantage, in fact, for it lacked Louis XIV. A few more days swept swiftly by, and LaSalle stood in the shadow of his confiscated cross at the meeting of the waters from Delaware and from Itasca, and from the mountain ranges close upon the Pacific, with the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, his task finished, his prodigy achieved. Mr. Parkman, in closing his fascinating narrative, thus sums up. On that day the realm of France received on parchment a stupendous accession, the fertile plains of Texas, the vast basin of the Mississippi, from its frozen northern springs to the sultry borders of the Gulf, from the woody ridges of the Alleghenies to the bare peaks of the Rocky Mountains, a region of savannas and forests, sun-cracked deserts and grassy prairies, watered by a thousand rivers, ranged by a thousand war-like tribes, past beneath the scepter of the Sultan of Versailles, and all by virtue of a feeble human voice, inaudible at half a mile. No, the distribution of a population along its banks was as calm and deliberate and time devouring a process as the discovery and exploration had been. Seventy years elapsed after the exploration, before the river's borders had a white population worth considering, and nearly fifty more before the river had a commerce. Between LaSalle's opening of the river and the time when it may be said to have become the vehicle of anything like a regular and active commerce, seven sovereigns had occupied the throne of England, America had become an independent nation, Louis XIV and Louis XV had rotted and died, the French monarchy had gone down in the red tempest of the revolution, and Napoleon was a name that was beginning to be talked about. Truly, there were snails in those days. The river's earliest commerce was in great barges, keelboats, broadhorns. They floated and sailed from the upper rivers to New Orleans, changed cargoes there, and were tediously warped and pulled back by hand. A voyage down and back sometimes occupied nine months. In time this commerce increased until it gave employment to hordes of rough and hardy men, rude, uneducated, brave, suffering terrific hardships with saner-like stoicism, heavy drinkers, coarse frolicers in moral sties like the natures under the hill of that day, heavy fighters, reckless fellows, every one, elephant-tiny, jolly, foul-witted, profane, prodigal of their money, bankrupt at the end of the trip, fond of barbaric finery, prodigious braggarts, yet in the main, honest, trustworthy, faithful to promises and duty, and often, picturesquely magnanimous. By and by the steamboat intruded, then for fifteen or twenty years, these men continued to run their keelboats downstream, and the steamers did all of the upstream business, the keelboatmen selling their boats in New Orleans, and returning home as deck passengers in the steamers. But after a while the steamboats so increased in number and in speed that they were able to absorb the entire commerce, and then keelboating died a permanent death. The keelboatmen became a deckhand, or a mate, or a pilot on the steamer, and when steamer berths were not open to him he took a berth on a Pittsburgh coal-flat, or on a pine raft constructed in the forests up toward the sources of the Mississippi. In the heyday of the steamboating prosperity the river from end to end was flaked with coal fleets and timber rafts, all managed by hand, and employing hosts of the rough characters whom I have been trying to describe. I remember the annual processions of mighty rafts that used to glide by Hannibal when I was a boy, an acre or so of white, sweet-smelling boards in each raft, a crew of two dozen men or more, three or four wiglums scattered about the raft's vast level space for storm quarters, and I remember the rude ways and tremendous talk of their big crews, the ex-keelboatmen and their admiringly patterning successors, for we used to swim out a quarter or a third of a mile and get on these rafts and have a ride. By way of illustrating keelboat talk and manners, and that now departed and hardly remembered raft life, I will throw in, in this place, a chapter from a book which I have been working at by Fitz and Starts during the past five or six years and may possibly finish in the course of five or six more. The book is a story which details some passages in the life of an ignorant village boy, Huck Finn, son of the town drunkard of my time out west there. He has run away from his persecuting father and from a persecuting good widow who wishes to make a nice, truth-telling, respectable boy of him, and with him a slave of the widows has also escaped. They have found a fragment of a lumber raft, it is high water and dead summertime, and are floating down the river by night and hiding in the willows by day, bound for Cairo, once the Negro will seek freedom in the heart of the Free States. But in a fog they pass Cairo without knowing it. By and by they begin to suspect the truth, and Huck Finn is persuaded to end the dismal suspense by swimming down to a huge raft which they have seen in the distance ahead of them, cleaving aboard undercover of the darkness and gathering the needed information by eavesdropping. But you know, a young person can't wait very well when he is impatient to find a thing out. We talked it over and by and by. Jim said it was such a black night now that it wouldn't be no risk to swim down to the big raft and crawl aboard and listen. They would talk about Cairo because they would be calculating to go ashore there for a spree maybe, or anyway they would send boats ashore to buy whiskey or fresh meat or something. Jim had a wonderful level head for an eater. He could almost always start a good plan when he wanted one. I stood up and shook my rags off and jumped into the water and struck out for the raft's light. By and by, when I got down nearly to her, I eased up and went slow and cautious. But everything was all right, nobody at the sweeps. So I swum down along the raft till I was most abreast the campfire in the middle. Then I crawled aboard and inched along and got in amongst some bundles of shingles on the weather side of the fire. There was 13 men there. They were the watch on deck, of course, and a mighty rough-looking lot, too. They had a jug and ten cups, and they kept the jug moving. One man was singing, roaring, you may say, and it wasn't a nice song for a parlor, anyway. He roared through his nose and strung out the last word of every line very long. When he was done, they all fetched a kind of engine war-woop, and then another was sung. It begun. There was a woman in our town, in our town who did dwell, dwell. She loved her husband, Dearly, but another man twice he is weddle. Singing, too, reloo, reloo, reloo, retoo, reloo, relay. She loved her husband, Dearly, but another man twice he is weddle. And so on, 14 verses. It was kind of poor. And when he was going to start on the next verse, one of them said, it was the tune the old cow died on, and another one said, oh, give us a rest. And another one told him to take a walk. They made fun of him till he got mad and jumped up and began to cast a crowd, and said he could lame many thief in the lot. They was all about to make a break for him, but the biggest man there jumped up and says, set wire yard, gentlemen, leave him to me, he's my neat. Then he jumped up in the air three times and cracked his heels together every time. He flung off a buckskin coat that was all hung with fringes and says, you lay thar till the chon up's done. And the flung his hat down, which was all over ribbons, and says, you lay thar till his suffering's over. They jumped up in the air and cracked his heels together again and shouted out, whoo, find the old original iron-jawed brass-mounted copper-bellied corksmaker from the wilds of Arkansas. Look at me, I'm the man they call sudden death and general desolation. Sired by a hurricane, damned by an earthquake, half-brothered to the cholera, nearly related to the smallpox, on my mother's side. Look at me, I take 19 alligators and a barrel of whiskey for breakfast when I'm in robust health, and a bush with rattlesnakes and a dead body when I'm ailing. I split the everlasting rocks with my glance, and I squinch the thunder when I speak, whoo, stand back and give me room, according to my strength. Blood's my natural drink, and the wails of the dying is music to my ear. Cast your eye on me, gentlemen, and lay low and hold your breath where I'm about to turn myself loose. All the time he was getting this off, he was shaking his head and looking fierce and kind of swelling around in a little circle, tucking up his wristbands, and now and then straightening up and beating his breast with his fists, saying, look at me, gentlemen. When he got thrilled, he jumped up and cracked his heels together three times and let off a roaring, whoo, I'm the bloodiest son of a wild cat that lives. Then the man that had started the row tilted his old slouch hot down over his right eye. Then he bent stooping forward with his back sagged and his south ends sticking out far, and his fists as shoving out and drawing in in front of him, and so went around in a little circle about three times, swelling himself up and breathing hard. Then he straightened and jumped up and cracked his heels together three times before he lit again. That made him cheer, and he began to shout, like this, whoo, bow your head and spread for the kingdom of sorrows are coming. Hold me down to the earth for I feel my powers are working. Whoop, whoop, I'm a child of sin. Don't let me get to start. Smoke glass here for all. Don't attempt to look at me with a naked eye, gentlemen. When I'm playful, I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a scene and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with a lightning and purr myself to sleep with a thunder. When I'm cold, I vile the gulf of Mexico and bathe in it. When I'm hot, I fan myself with an equinoctial storm. When I'm thirsty, I reach up and suck a cloud dry like a sponge. When I range the earth hungry, famine follows in my tracks. Whoop, whoop, and bow your neck and spread. I put my hand on the sun's face and make it night in the earth. I bite a piece out of the moon and hurry the seasons. I shake myself and crumble the mountains, contemplate me through leather. Don't use the naked eye. I'm the man with a petrified heart and biler iron bowels. The massacre of isolated communities is the pastime of my idle moments, the destruction of nationalities, the serious business of my life. The boundless vastness of the great American desert is my enclosed property, and I bury my dead on my own premises. He jumped up and cracked his heels together three times before he lit. They cheered him again. And as he come down, he shouted out, Whoop, whoop, bow your neck and spread. For the pet child of calamities are coming. Then the other one went to swelling around and blowing again, the first one, the one they called Bob. Next, the child of calamity chipped in again, bigger than ever. Then they both got at it at the same time, swelling round and round each other and punching their fists most into each other's faces and whooping and jawing like engines. Then Bob called the child names, and the child called him names back again. Next, Bob called him a heap rougher names, and the child come back at him with the very worst kind of language. Next, Bob knocked the child's house, and the child picked it up and picked Bob's ribbony hat about six foot. Bob went and got it and said, Never mind. This weren't going to be the last of this thing, because he was a man that never forgotten, never forgive. And so the child better look out, for there was a time of coming, just as sure as he was a living man, that he would have to answer to him with the best blood in his body. The child said no man was willing earlier than he was for that time to come, and he would give Bob fair warning now, never to cross his path again, for he could never rest till he had waited in his blood. For such was his nature, though he was sparing him now on account of his family, if he had one. Both of them was edging away in different directions, growling and shaking their heads and going on about what they was going to do. But a little black whisker chap skipped up and says, Come back here, you couple of chicken livered collards, I'll thrash the two of you. And he done it too. He snatched them, he jerked them this way and that, he booted them around, he knocked them sprawling faster than they could get up. Why, it weren't two minutes till they bed like dogs, and how the other lot did yell and laugh and clap their hands all the way through, and shout, Sail in, corp smaker, hi, and Adam again, child of calamity. Boy for you, little Davey. Well, it was a perfect pow wow for a while. Bob and the child had red noses and black eyes when they got through. Little Davey made them own up, that they were sneaks and powers and not fit to eat with a dog or drink with a nigger. Then Bob and the child shook hands with each other, very solemn, and said they had always respected each other and was willing to let bygones be bygones. So then they washed their faces in the river, and just then there was a loud order to stand by for a crossing, and some of them went forward to man the sweeps there, and the rest went aft to handle the after sweeps. I laid still and waited for fifteen minutes and had a smoke out of the pipe that one of them left in reach. Then the crossing was finished, and they'd stuck back and had a drink round, and went to talking and singing again. Next they got out an old fiddle, and one played in another potted juba, and the rest turned themselves loose on a regular old-fashioned keelboat breakdown. They couldn't keep that up very long without getting winded, so by and by they settled around the jug again. They sang jolly jolly rassman the life for me, with amusing chorus, and then they got to talking about differences between hogs and their different kind of habits, and next about women and their different ways, and next about the best ways to put out houses that was a fire, and next about what ought to be done with engines, and next about what a king had to do, and how much he got, and next about how to make tax fight, and next about what to do when a man has hits, and next about differences between clear water rivers and muddy water ones. The man they called Ed said the muddy Mississippi water was wholesome or to drink than the clear water of the Ohio. He said if you let a pint of this yaller Mississippi water settle, you would have about a half to three quarters of an inch of mud in the bottom, according to the stage of the river, and then it weren't no better than Ohio water. What you wanted to do was to keep it stirred up, and when the river was low, keep mud on hand, to put in and thicken the water up the way it ought to be. The child of Calabity said that was so. He said there was nutritionness in the mud, and a man that drunk Mississippi water could grow corn in his stomach if he wanted to. And he says, You look at the graveyard, that tells the tale. Trees won't grow worth chucks in a Cincinnati graveyard, but in a St. Louis graveyard they grow upwards of 800 foot high. They fall on account of the water the people drunk before they laid up, a Cincinnati courts don't rich in the soil any. And they talked about how Ohio water didn't like to mix with Mississippi water. Ed said if you take the Mississippi on a rise when the Ohio was low, you'll find a wide band of clear water all the way down the east side of the Mississippi for a hundred mile or more, and the minute you get out a quarter of a mile from shore and pass the line, it is all thick and yaller the rest of the way across. Then they talked about how to keep tobacco from getting moldy, and from that they went into ghosts and told about a lot that other folks had seen. But Ed says, why don't you tell something that you've seen yourselves? Now let me have a say. Five years ago I was on a raft as big as this, and right along here it was a bright moon-shiny night, and I was on watch and boss of the stop at Orford, and one of my pards was a man named Dick Albright. He'd come along to where I was sitting at Ford, gaping and stretching he was, and stooped down on the edge of the raft and washed his face in the river, and come up and sat down by me and got out his pipe, and had just got it filled when he looks up and says, why, looky here, he says. Ain't that Buck Miller's place over yonder in the bend? Yes, I says, I. It is. Why? He laid his pipe down and lent his head on his hand and says, I thought we'd be further down. I says, I thought it too, when I went off watch. We were standing six hours on and six off, but the boys told me, I says, that the raft didn't seem to hardly move for the last hour, says I. Though she's slipping along right now, says I, he gave a kind of groan and says, I've seen the raft act so before, along here, he says, here's to me the current has most quit above the head of this bend during the last two years, he says. Well, he raised up two or three times and looked way off and around on the water. That started me at it too, but he's always doing what he sees somebody else doing, though there may be no sense in it. Pretty soon I see a black something floating on the water way off to stop it and quartering behind us. I see he was looking at it too. I says, watch that, he says, shirt of pettish, think nothing but an old empty barrel. An empty barrel, says I, why, says I, the spy glass is a fool to your eyes. How can you tell it's an empty barrel? He says, I don't know, I reckon it ain't the barrel, but I thought it might be, says he. Yes, I says, so it might be, and it might be anything else too, but I can't tell nothing about it such a distance as that, I says. We had nothing else to do, so we kept on watching it, by and by, I says, why, looky here, Dick, all right, that thing's againing on us, I believe. He never said nothing, the thing gained and gained, and I judged it must be a dog that was about tired out. Well, we swung down into the crossing, and the thing floated across the bright streak of the moonshine, and by George it was a barrel, says I, Dick, all right, what made you think that thing was a barrel, when it was a half mile off, says I, and says he, I don't know, says I, you tell me, Dick, all right, he says, well, I know it was a barrel, I've seen it before, lots have seen it, they says it's a haunted barrel. I called the rest of the watch, and they come and stood there, and I told them what Dick said, it floated right along a breast now, and didn't gain any more. It was about twenty foot off, some was for having an abort, but the rest didn't want to. Dick, all right, said rafts that had fooled with it, had got bad luck by it. The captain of the watch said he didn't believe in it, he said he reckoned the barrel gained on us because it was in a little better current than what we was, he said it would leave by and by. So then we went to talking about other things, and we had a song, and then a breakdown, and after that the captain of the watch called for another song, but it was clouding up now, and the barrel stuck right there in the same place, and the song didn't seem to have much warm up to it somehow, so they didn't finish it, and there weren't any cheers, but it sort of dropped flat, and nobody said anything for a minute. Then everybody tried to talk at once, and one chap got off a joke, but it wasn't no use, they didn't laugh, and even the chap that made the joke didn't laugh at it, which ain't usual, we all just settled down glum and watched the barrel, and was uneasy and uncomfortable. Well sir, it shut down black and still, and then the wind began to moan around, and next the light may begin to play, and the thunder to grumble, and pretty soon there was a regular storm, and in the middle of it a man that was running after stumbled and fell and sprained his ankle so that he had to lay up. This made the boys shake their heads, and every time the lightning came there was that barrel with them, blue lights, winking around it. We was always on the lookout for it, but by and by toward dawn she was gone. When the day came we couldn't see her anywhere, and we weren't sorry neither. But next night, about half past nine, when there were songs and hijinks going on, here she comes again, and took her old roost on the starboard side. There wasn't no more hijinks. Everybody got solemn. Nobody talked. You couldn't get anybody to do anything but sit around moody and look at the barrel. It began to cloud up again. When the watch changed, the off-watch stayed up, instead of turning in. The storm ripped and roared around all night, and in the middle of it another man tripped and sprained his ankle and had to knock off. The barrel left toward day, and nobody see it go. Everybody was sober and down in the mouth all day. I don't mean the kind of sober that comes of leaving liquor alone, not that. They was quiet, but they all drunk more than usual, not together, but each man, sidled off and took it private by himself. After dark, the off-watch didn't turn in. Nobody sung, nobody talked. The boys didn't scatter round, neither. They sort of huddled together forward, and for two hours they sat there, perfectly still, looking steady in the one direction and heaving a sigh once in a while. Then here comes the barrel again. She took up her old place. She stayed there all night. Nobody turned in. The storm come on again after midnight. Got awful dark. The rain poured down, hailed, too. The thunder boomed and warred and bellowed. The wind blowed a hurricane, and the lightning spread over everything in big sheets of glare and showed the whole raft as plain as day, and the river lashed up white as milk as far as you could see for miles. And there was that barrel jiggering along, same as ever. The captain ordered the watch to man the after-sweeps for a crossing, and nobody would go. No more sprained ankles for them, they said. They wouldn't even walk aft. Well, and just then the sky split wide open with a crash, and the lightning killed two men of the after-watch, and crippled two more. Crippled them how, says you, lie. Sprained their ankles. The barrel left in the dark twix lightnings toward dawn. Well, not a body eat a bite at breakfast that morning. After that the men loathed around in twos and threes and talked low together. But none of them hurted with Dick Albright. They all give him the cold shape. If he come round where any of the men was, they split up and sided away. They wouldn't man the sweeps with him. The captain had all the skiffs hauled up on the raft alongside of his wigwam, and wouldn't let the dead men be took ashore to be planted. He didn't believe a man that goshore would come back, and he was right. After night come you could see pretty plain that there was going to be trouble if that barrel come again. There was such a muttering going on. A good many wanted to kill Dick Albright, because he'd seen the barrel on other trips, and that had an ugly look. Some wanted to put him ashore. Some said, let's all go ashore in a pile if the barrel comes again. This kind of whispers was still going on. The men being bunched together forward watching for the barrel, when, lo and behold, here she comes again. Down she comes slow and steady, and settles into her old tracks. You could hurt a pin drop. Then up comes the captain and says, Boys, don't be a pack of children in fools. I don't want this barrel to be dogging us all the way to New Orleans. And you don't. Well then, how's the best way to stop it? Burn it up. That's the way. I'm going to fetch it aboard, he says. And before anybody could say a word in, he went. He swum to it, and as he come pushing it to the raft, the men spread to one side. But the old man got it aboard and busted in the head, and there was a baby in it. Yes, sir, a stark naked baby. It was Dick Albright's baby. He owned up and said so. Yes, he says, leaning over it. Yes, it is my own lamented darling. My poor lost Charles William Albright deceased, says he. For he could curl his tongue round the bulliest words in the language when he was mined to, and lay them before you without a jint started anywhere. Yes, he said he used to live up at the head of this bend, and one night he choked his child, which was crying, not intending to kill it, which was probably a lie, and then he was scarred and burried it in a barrel before his wife got home, and off he went and struck the northern trail and went to rafting, and this was the third year that the barrel had chased him. He said the bad luck always began light and lasted till four men was killed, and then the barrel didn't come any more after that. He said if the men would stand at one more night, and was it going on like that, but the men had got enough. They started to get out a boat to take him ashore and lynch him, but he grabbed a little child all of a sudden and jumped overboard with it, hugged up to his breast and shedding tears, and we never see him again in this life, quarrel, suffering soul, nor Charles Williams, neither. Who was shedding tears, says Bob. Was it Albright or the baby? Why, Albright, of course. Didn't I tell you the baby was dead? Been dead three years. How could it cry? Well, never mind how it could cry. How could it keep all that time, says Davey. You asked me that. Well, I don't know how it done it, says Ed. It done it, though. That's all I know about it. Say, what did they do with the barrel, says the child of calamity. Why, they hove it overboard, and it sunk like a chunk of lead. Edward, did the child look like it was choked, says one? Did it have its hair parted, says another? What was the brand on that barrel, Eddie? Says a fellow they called Bill. Have you got the papers for them statistics, Edmund? Says Jimmy. Say, Edwin, was you one of them men that was killed by the lightning, says Davey? Him? Oh, no, he was both of them, says Bob. Then they all ha-ha-d. Say, Edward, don't you reckon you'd better take a pill? You look bad. Don't you feel pale, says the child of calamity? Oh, come now, Eddie, says Jimmy. Show up. You must have kept part of that barrel to prove the thing by. Show us the bung-hole, do, and we'll all believe you. Say, boys, says Bill. Let's divide it up. That's thirteen of us. I can swallow a thirteenth of the yarn. If you can worry down the rest. Ed got up mad and said they could all go to some place which he ripped out pretty savage and then walked off after cussing to himself, and they yelling and jeering at him and roaring and laughing so you could hear them a mile. Boys, we'll split a watermelon on that, says the child of calamity, and he come rummaging around in the dark amongst the shingle bundles where I was and put his hand on me. I was warm and soft and naked so he says ouch and jumped back. That's a lantern or a chunk of fire here, boys. There's a snake here as big as a cow. So they run there with a lantern and crowd it up and looked in on me. Come out of that, you beggar, says one. Who are you, says another. What are you after here, speak up prompt or overboard you go. Snake him out, boys. Snatch him out by the heels. I began to beg and crept out amongst them trembling. They looked me over wondering and the child of calamity says a cussing thief. Lend a hand and let's heave him overboard. No, says big Bob. Let's get out the paint pot and paint him a sky blue all over from head to heel and then to heave him over. Good, that's it. Go for the paint, Jimmy. When the paint come and Bob took the brush and was just going to begin, the others laughing and rubbing their hands, I began to cry. And that sort of worked on Davy and he says, bastard, he's nothing but a cub. I'll paint the man that touches him. So I looked around on them and some of them grumbled and growled and Bob put down the paint and the others didn't take it up. Come here to the fire and let's see what you're up to here, says Davy. Now sit down there and give an account of yourself. How long have you been aboard here? Not over a quarter of a minute, sir, says I. How'd you get dry so quick? I don't know, sir, I'm always that way mostly. Oh, you are, are you? What's your name? I'm not going to tell my name. I didn't know what to say, so I just says Charles William Albright, sir. Then they roared, the whole crowd, and I was mighty glad I said that because maybe laughing would get them in a better humor. When they got done laughing, Davy says, it won't hardly do, Charles William. You couldn't have growed this much in five year, and you was a baby when you come out of the barrel, you know, and dead at that. Come now, tell a straight story and nobody'll hurt you. If you ain't up to anything wrong, what is your name? Alec Hopkins, sir. Alec James Hopkins. Well, Alec, where'd you come from here? From a trading scowl. She lays out the bend yonder. I was born on her. Pap has traded up and down here all his life, and he told me to swim off here because when you went by he said he would like to get some of you to speak to a Mr. Jonas Turner in Cairo and tell him, oh, calm. Yes, sir, it's true as the world. Pap, he says, oh, your grandmother. They all laughed, and I tried again to talk, but they broke in on me and stopped me. Now, looky here, says Davey. You're scared and so you talk wild. Honest now. Do you live in a scowl or is it a lie? Yes, sir, in a trading scowl. She lays up at the head of the bend, but I weren't born in her. It's our first trip. Now you're talking. What did you come aboard here for? To steal? No, sir, I didn't. It was only to get a ride on the raft. All boys does that. Well, I know that. But what did you hide for? Sometimes they drive the boys off. So they do. They might steal. Now, looky here, if we let you off this time, will you keep out of these kind of scrapes that he rafter? He'll, I will, boss. You try me. All right, then. You ain't put little ways for sure overboard with you, and don't you make a fool of yourself another time this way. Blasted boys, some raftsmen would raw-hide you till you were black and blue. I didn't wait to kiss goodbye, but went overboard and broke for sure. When Jim come along by and by, the big raft was a way out of sight around the point. I swam out and got aboard, and was mighty glad to see home again. The boy did not get the information he was after, but his adventure has furnished the glimpse of the departed raftsmen and keelboatmen, which I desire to offer in this place. I now come to a phase of the Mississippi River life of the flushed times of steam-boating, which seems to me to warrant full examination. The marvelous science of piloting has displayed there. I believe there has been nothing like it elsewhere in the world. End of Chapter 3 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain Chapter 4 The Boy's Ambition When I was a boy, there was but one permanent ambition among my comrades in our village. Footnote No. 1, Hannibal, Missouri. On the west bank of the Mississippi River, that was to be a steamboatman. We had transient ambitions of other sorts, but they were only transient. When a circus came and went, it left us all burning to become clowns. The first Negro minstrel show that came to our section left us all suffering to try that kind of life. Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. These ambitions faded out, each in its turn, but the ambition to be a steamboatman always remained. Once a day, a cheap gaudy packet arrived upward from St. Louis and another downward from Kiercock. Before these events, the day was glorious with expectancy. After them the day was a dead and empty thing. Not only the boys, but the whole village felt this. After all these years, I can picture that whole time to myself now, just as it was then. The white town, drowsing in the sunshine of a summer's morning, the streets empty or pretty nearly so. One or two clerks sitting in front of the water street stores, with their splint-bottomed chairs tilted back against the wall, chins on breasts, hats slouched over their faces, asleep, with shingle shavings enough around to show what broke them down, a sow and a litter of pigs loafing along the sidewalk, doing a good business in watermelon rinds and seeds. Two or three lonely little freight piles scattered about the levee, a pile of skids on the slope of the stone-paved wharf, and the fragrant town drunkard sleep in the shadow of them. Two or three wood flats at the head of the wharf, but nobody to listen to the peaceful lapping of the wavelets against them. The great Mississippi, the majestic, the magnificent Mississippi, rolling its mile-wide tide along, shining in the sun, the dense forest away on the other side, the point above the town, and the point below, bounding the river glimpse and turning it into a sort of sea, and with all a very still and brilliant and lonely one. Presently, a film of dark smoke appears above one of those remote points. Instantly, a negro drayman, famous for his quick eye and prodigious voice, lifts up the cry, Steamboat, come on! And the scene changes. The town drunkard stirs. The clerks wake up. A furious clatter of drays follows. Every house and store pours out a human contribution, and all in a twinkling, the dead town is alive and moving. Drays, carts, men, boys, all go hurrying from many quarters to a common center, a wharf. Assembled there, the people fasten their eyes upon the coming boat as upon wonder they are seeing for the first time. And the boat is rather a handsome sight, too. She is long and sharp and trim and pretty. She has two tall, fancy-top chimneys with a gilded device of some kind swung between them. A fanciful pilot house, a glass and gingerbread, herched on top of the Texas deck behind them. The paddle boxes are gorgeous with a picture or with gilded rays above the boat's name. The boiler deck, the hurricane deck, and the Texas deck are fenced and ornamented with clean white railings. There is a flag gallantly flying from the jack staff. The furnace doors are open and the fires glaring bravely. The upper decks are black with passengers. The captain stands by the big bell, calm, imposing, the envy of all. Great volumes of the blackest smoke are rolling and tumbling out of the chimneys. A husband and grandeur are created with a bit of pitch pine just before arriving at a town. The crew are grouped on the folksal. The board stage is run far out over the port bow and an envy deckhand stands picturesquely on the end of it with a coil of rope in his hand. The pent-steam is screaming through the gauge cocks. The captain lifts his hand, a bell rings, the wheels stop, then they turn back, churning the water to foam, and the steamer is at rest. Then such a scramble as there is to get aboard and to get ashore and to take in freight and to discharge freight all at once and at the same time and such a yelling and cursing as the mates facilitated all with. Ten minutes later the steam is underway again with no flag on the jack staff and no black smoke issuing from the chimneys. After ten more minutes the town is dead again and the town drunk are to sleep by the skids once more. My father was a justice of the peace and I suppose he possessed the power of life and death over all men and could hang anybody that offended him. This was distinction enough for me as a general thing but the desire to be a steamboat man kept intruding nevertheless. I first wanted to be a cabin boy so that I could come out with a white apron on and shake a tablecloth over the side where all my old comrades could see me. Later I thought I would rather be the deckhand who stood on the end of the stage plank with a coil of rope in his hand because he was particularly conspicuous. But these were only daydreams. They were too heavenly to be contemplated as real possibilities. By and by one of our boys went away. He was not heard of for a long time. At last he turned up as apprentice engineer or striker on a steamboat. This thing shook the bottom out of all my Sunday school teachings. That boy had been notoriously worldly and I just the reverse. Yet he was exalted to his imminence and I left in obscurity and misery. There was nothing generous about this fellow and his greatness. He would always manage to have a rusty boat to scrub while his boat tarried at our town and he would sit on the inside guard and scrub it where we could all see him and envy him and loathe him. And whenever his boat was laid up he would come home and swell around the town in his blackest and greasiest clothes so that nobody could help remembering that he was a steamboat man and he used all sorts of steamboat technicalities in his talk as if he were so used to them that he forgot common people could not understand them. He would speak of the labored side of a horse in an easy natural way that would make one wish he was dead. And he was always talking about St. Louis like an old citizen. He would refer casually to occasions when he was coming down 4th Street or when he was passing by the planter's house or when there was a fire and he took a turn on the brakes of the old big Missouri and then he would go on and lie about how many towns the size of ours were burned down there that day. Two or three of the boys had long been persons of consideration among us because they had been to St. Louis once and had a vague general knowledge of his wonders but the day of their glory was over now. They lapsed into a humble silence and learned to disappear when the ruthless cub engineer approached. This fellow had money too and hair oil also an ignorant silver watch and a showy brass watch chain. He wore a leather belt and used no suspenders. If ever a youth was cordially admired and hated by his comrades, this was one. No girl could withstand his charms. He cut out every boy in the village. When his boat blew up at last it diffused a tranquil contentment among us such as we had not known for months but when he came home the next week, alive, renowned and appeared in church all battered up and bandaged a shining hero stared at and wondered over by everybody it seemed to us that the partiality of Providence for an undeserving reptile had reached a point where it was open to criticism. This creature's career could produce but one result and it speedily followed. Boy after boy managed to get on the river. The minister's son became an engineer. The doctors and the postmaster's sons became mud clerks. The wholesale liquor dealer's son became a barkeeper on a boat. Four sons of the chief merchant and two sons of the county judge became pilots. Pilot was the grandest position of all. The pilot even in those days of trivial wages had a princely salary from $150 to $250 a month and no board to pay. Two months of his wages would pay a preacher's salary for a year. Now some of us were left as consulate. We could not get on the river. At least our parents would not let us. So by and by I ran away. I said I never would come home again till I was a pilot and could come in glory but somehow I could not manage it. I went meekly aboard a few of the boats that lay packed together like sardines at the long St. Louis Wharf and very humbly inquired for the pilots but got only a cold shoulder and short words from mates and clerks. I had to make the best of this sort of treatment for the time being but I had comforting daydreams of a future when I should be a great and honored pilot with plenty of money and could kill some of these mates and clerks and pay for them. End of Chapter Four This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain, Chapter Five. I want to be a cub pilot. Months afterward, the hope within me struggled to a reluctant death and I found myself without an ambition. But I was ashamed to go home. I was in Cincinnati and I set to work to map out a new career. I had been reading about the recent exploration of the River Amazon by an expedition sent out by our government. It was said that the expedition, owing to difficulties, had not thoroughly explored a part of the country lying about the headwaters, some four thousand miles from the mouth of the river. It was only about fifteen hundred miles from Cincinnati to New Orleans where I could doubtless get a ship. I had thirty dollars left. I would go and complete the exploration of the Amazon. This was all the thought I gave to the subject. I never was great in matters of detail. I packed my valise and took passage on an ancient tub called the Paul Jones for New Orleans. For the sum of sixteen dollars, I had the scarred and tarnished splendors of her main saloon, principally to myself, for she was not a creature to attract the eye of wiser travelers. When we presently got under way and went poking down the broad Ohio, I became a new being and the subject of my own admiration. I was a traveller. A word never had tasted so good in my mouth before. I had an exultant sense of being bound for mysterious lands and distant climbs, which I never have felt in so uplifting a degree since. I was in such a glorified condition that all ignoble feelings departed out of me, and I was able to look down and pity the untraveled with a compassion that had hardly a trace of contempt in it. Still, when we stopped at villages and woodyards, I could not help lolling carelessly upon the railings of the boiler deck to enjoy the envy of the country boys on the bank. If they did not seem to discover me, I presently sneezed to attract their attention or moved to a position where they could not help seeing me, and as soon as I knew they saw me, I gaped and stretched and gave other signs of being mightily bored with travelling. I kept my hat off all the time and stayed where the wind and the sun could strike me, because I wanted to get the bronzed and weather-beaten look of an old traveller. Before the second day was half gone, I experienced a joy which filled me with the purest gratitude, for I saw that the skin had begun to blister and peel off my face and neck. I wished that the boys and girls at home could see me now. We reached Louisville in time, at least the neighbourhood of it. We stuck hard and fast on the rocks in the middle of the river and lay there for days. I was now beginning to feel a strong sense of being a part of the boat's family, a sort of infant son to the captain and younger brother to the officers. There is no estimating the pride I took in this grandeur or the affection that began to swell and grow in me for those people. I could not know how the lordly steamboatman scorns that sort of presumption in a mere landman. I particularly longed to acquire the least trifle of notice from the big stormy mate, and I was on the alert for an opportunity to do him a service to that end. It came at last. The riotous powwow of setting a spar was going on down on the folksle, and I went down there and stood around in the way, or mostly skipping out of it, till the mate suddenly roared a general order for somebody to bring him a capstan bar. I sprang to his side and said, Tell me where it is, I'll fetch it. If a ragpicker had offered to do a diplomatic service for the emperor of Russia, the monarch could not have been more astounded than the mate was. He even stopped swearing. He stood and stared down at me. It took him ten seconds to scrape his disjointed remains together again. Then he said impressively, Well, if this don't beat hell! and turned to his work with the air of a man who had been confronted with a problem too abstruse for solution. I crept away and courted solitude for the rest of the day. I did not go to dinner. I stayed away from supper until everybody else had finished. I did not feel so much like a member of the boat's family now as before. However, my spirits returned in installments as we pursued our way down the river. I was sorry I hated the mate so, because it was not in young human nature not to admire him. He was huge and muscular. His face was bearded and whiskered all over. He had a red woman and a blue woman tattooed on his right arm, one on each side of a blue anchor with a red rope to it. And in the matter of profanity he was sublime. When he was getting out cargo at a landing I was always where I could see and hear. He felt all the majesty of his great position and made the world feel it too. When he gave even the simplest order he discharged it like a blast of lightning and sent a long reverberating peel of profanity thundering after it. I could not help contrasting the way in which the average landsman would give an order with the mate's way of doing it. If the landsman should wish the gangplank moved a foot farther forward he would probably say, James or William, one of you push that plank forward please. But put the mate in his place and he would roar out, here now start that dang plank forward lively now. What are you about? Snatch it. Snatch it. There. There. After again. After again. Don't you hear me? That's it. The dash are you going to sleep over it? Vast heaving. Vast heaving I'll tell you. Going to heave it clear stern? Where are you going with that barrel? Forward with it. Forward I'll make you swallow you. Dash, dash, dash, dash. Split between a tired mud turtle and crippled horse. And I wished I could talk like that. When the soreness of my adventure with the mate had somewhat worn off I began timidly to make up to the humblest official connected with the boat, the night watchman. He snubbed my advances at first but I presently ventured to offer him a new chalk pipe and that softened him. So he allowed me to sit with him by the big bell on the hurricane deck and in time he melted into conversation. He could not well have helped it. I hung with such homage on his words and so plainly showed that I felt honored by his notice. He told me the names of dim capes and shadowy islands as we glided by them in the solemnity of the night under the winking stars and by and by got to talking about himself. He seemed over-sensamental for a man whose salary was six dollars a week or rather he might have seen so to an older person than I. But I drank in his words hungrily and with a faith that might have moved mountains if it had been applied traditionally. What was it to me that he was soiled and seedy and fragrant with gin? What was it to me that his grammar was bad, his construction worse, and his profanity so void of art that it was an element of weakness rather than strength in his conversation? He was a wronged man, a man who had seen trouble and that was enough for me. I came mellowed into his plaintive history, his tears dripped upon the lantern in his lap, and I cried too from sympathy. He said he was the son of an English nobleman, either an Earl or an Alderman. He could not remember which, but believed was both. His father, the nobleman, loved him, but his mother hated him from the cradle. So while he was still a little boy he was sent to one of them old ancient colleges. He couldn't remember which. And by and by his father died and his mother seized the property and shook him as he phrased it. After his mother shook him, members of the nobility with whom he was acquainted used their influence to get him the position of lob-lolly-boy in a ship. And from that point my watchman threw off all trammels of date and locality and branched out into a narrative that bristled all along with incredible adventures, a narrative that was so reeking with bloodshed and so crammed with hair-breaths escapes and the most engaging and unconscious personal villainies that I sat speechless, enjoying, shuddering, wondering, worshiping. It was a sore blight to find out afterwards that he was a low, vulgar, ignorant, sentimental, half-witted humbug, an untraveled native of the wilds of Illinois who had absorbed wildcat literature and appropriated its marvels, until in time he had woven odds and ends of the mess into this yarn and then gone on telling it to fledglings like me until he had come to believe it himself. End of Chapter 5 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain, Chapter 6 A Cub Pilots Experience What was lying on the rocks for days at Louisville and some other delays, the poor old Paul Jones fooled away about two weeks in making the voyage from Cincinnati to New Orleans. This gave me a chance to get acquainted with one of the pilots and he taught me how to steer the boat and thus made the fascination of river life more potent than ever for me. It also gave me a chance to get acquainted with a youth who had taken Deck Passage, Morse the Pity, for he easily borrowed six dollars of me on a promise to return to the boat and pay it back to me the day after we should arrive. But he probably died or forgot, or he never came. It was doubtless the former, since he had said his parents were wealthy and he only traveled Deck Passage because it was cooler. Footnote 1 Deck Passage, i.e. Steerage Passage I soon discovered two things. One was that a vessel would not be likely to sail for the mouth of the Amazon under ten or twelve years and the other was that the nine or ten dollars still left in my pocket would not suffice for so imposing an exploration as I had planned even if I could afford to wait for a ship. Therefore it followed that I must contrive a new career. The Paul Jones was now bound for St. Louis. I planned a siege against my pilot and at the end of three hard days he surrendered. He agreed to teach me the Mississippi River from New Orleans to St. Louis for five hundred dollars payable out as the first wages I should receive after graduating. I entered upon the small enterprise of learning twelve or thirteen hundred miles of the Great Mississippi River with the easy confidence of my time of life. If I had really known what I was about to require of my faculties, I should not have had the courage to begin. I suppose that all a pilot had to do was to keep his boat in the river and I did not consider that that could be much of a trick since it was so wide. The boat backed out from New Orleans at four in the afternoon and it was our watch until eight. Mr. Bixby, my chief, straightened her up, plowed her along past the sterns of the other boats that lay at the levee and then said, Here, take her, save those steamships as close as you'd peel an apple. I took the wheel and my heartbeat fluttered up into the hundreds for it seemed to me that we were about to scrape the side off every ship in the line. We were so close. I held my breath and began to claw the boat away from the danger and I had my own opinion of the pilot who had known no better than to get us into such peril but I was too wise to express it. In half a minute I had a wide margin of safety intervening between the Paul Jones and the ships and within ten seconds more I was set aside in disgrace and Mr. Bixby was going into danger again and flaying me alive with abuse of my cowardice. I was stung but I was obliged to admire the easy confidence with which my chief loathed from side to side of his wheel and trimmed the ships so closely that disaster seemed ceaselessly imminent. When he had cooled a little he told me that the easy water was close ashore and the current outside and therefore we must hug the bank upstream to get the benefits of the former and stay well out downstream to take advantage of the latter. In my own mind I resolved to be a downstream pilot and leave the upstreaming to people dead to prudence. Now and then Mr. Bixby called my attention to certain things, said he, This is Six Mile Point. I assented. It was pleasant enough information but I could not see the bearing of it. I was not conscious that it was a matter of any interest to me. Another time he said, This is Nine Mile Point. Later he said, This is Twelve Mile Point. They were all about level with the water's edge. They all looked about alike to me. They were monotonously unpicturesque. I hoped Mr. Bixby would change the subject. But no, he would crowd up around a point, hugging the shore with affection and then say, The slack water ends here. I pressed this bunch of China trees. Now we cross over. So he crossed over. He gave me the wheel once or twice but I had no luck. I either came near chipping off the edge of a sugar plantation or I yawed too far from shore and so dropped back into disgrace again and got abused. The watch was ended at last and we took supper and went to bed. That midnight the glare of a lantern shone in my eyes and the night watchman said, Grom, turn out. And then he left. I could not understand this extraordinary procedure so I presently gave up trying to and dozed off to sleep. Pretty soon the watchman was back again and this time he was gruff. I was annoyed. I said, What do you want to come bothering around here in the middle of the night for? Now as like as not, I'll not get to sleep again tonight. The watchman said, Well, if this ain't good, I'm blessed. The off watch was just turning in and I heard some brutal laughter from them and such remarks as, Oh, watch man, ain't the new cub turned out yet? He's delicate, likely given some sugar in a rag and sent for the chambermaid to send a rockabye baby to him. About this time Mr. Bixby appeared on the scene, something like a minute later I was climbing, the pilot house steps with some of my clothes on and the rest in my arms. Mr. Bixby was close behind commenting, Here was something fresh, this thing of getting up in the middle of the night to go to work. It was a detail in piloting that had never occurred to me at all. I knew that boats ran all night but somehow I had never happened to reflect that somebody had to get up out of a warm bed to run them. I began to fear that piloting was not quite so romantic as I had imagined it was. There was something very real and work-like about this new phase of it. It was a rather dingy night, although a fair number of stars were out, the big mate was at the wheel and he had the old tub pointed at a star and was holding her straight up the middle of the river. The shores on either hand were not much more than half a mile apart but they seemed wonderfully far away and ever so vague and indistinct. The mate said, We've got to land at Jones Plantation, sir. The vengeful spirit in me exalted. I said to myself, I wish you joy of your job, Mr. Bixby. You'll have a good time finding Mr. Jones Plantation as such a night as this and I hope you never will find it as long as you live. Mr. Bixby said to the mate, Upper end of the plantation or the lower? Upper. I can't do it. The stumps there are out of the water at this stage. It's no great distance to the lower and you'll have to get along with that. All right, sir. If Jones don't like it, he'll have to lump it, I reckon. And then the mate left. My exaltation began to cool and my wonder to come up. Here was a man who not only proposed to find this plantation on such a night but to find either end of it you preferred. I dreadfully wanted to ask a question but I was caring about as many short answers as my cargo room would admit of, so I held my peace. All I desired to ask Mr. Bixby was the simple question whether he was ass enough to really imagine he was going to find that plantation on a night when all plantations were exactly alike and all the same color, but I held in. I used to have fine inspirations of prudence in those days. Mr. Bixby made for the shore and soon was scraping it, just the same as if it had been daylight. And not only that, but singing. Farther in heaven, the day is declining, etc. It seemed to me that I had put my life in the keeping of a peculiarly reckless outcast. Presently he turned on me and said, What's the name of the first point above New Orleans? I was gratified to be able to answer properly and I did. I said I didn't know. Don't know? This matter jolted me. I was down at the foot again in a moment but I had to say just what I had said before. Well, you're a smart one, said Mr. Bixby. What's the name of the next point? Once more I didn't know. Well, it speaks anything. Tell me the name of any point or place I told you. I studied a while and decided that I couldn't. Look here. What do you start out from? Above 12 mile point to cross over. I, I don't know. You, you don't know. You're making my drawing manner of speech. What do you know? I, I, nothing for certain. By the great Caesar's ghost, I believe you. You're the stupidest dunderhead I ever saw or ever heard of, so help me, Moses. The idea of you being a pilot, you, why, you don't know enough to pilot a cow down a lane. Oh, but his wrath was up. He was a nervous man and he shuffled from one side of his wheel to the other as if the floor was hot. He would boil a while to himself and then overflow and scald me again. Look here. What do you suppose I told you the names of those points for? I tremblingly considered a moment then the devil of temptation provoked me to say, well, to, to be entertaining, I thought. This was a red rag to the bull. He raged and stormed so, he was crossing the river at the time, but I judge it made him blind because he ran over the steering oar of a trading scow. Of course, the traders sent out a volley of red-hot profanity. Never was a man so grateful as Mr. Bixby was because he was brimful and here were subjects who would talk back. He threw open a window, thrust his head out, and such an eruption followed as I never had heard before. The fainter and farther away the scow men's curses drifted, the higher Mr. Bixby lifted his voice and the weightier his adjectives grew. When he closed the window, he was empty. You could have drawn a sane through his system and not caught curses enough to disturb your mother with. Presently, he said to me in a gentlest way, My boy, you must get a little memorandum book. Every time I tell you a thing, put it down right away. There's only one way to be a pilot, and that is to get this entire river by heart. You have to know it just like ABC. That was a dismal revelation to me, for my memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges. However, I did not feel discouraged long. I judged that it was best to make some allowances, for doubtless Mr. Bixby was stretching. Presently he pulled her open, struck a few strokes on the big bell. My stars were all gone now, and the night was as black as ink. I could hear the wheels churn along the bank, but I was not entirely certain that I could see the shore. The voice of the invisible watchman called up from the hurricane deck. Watch this, sir! Jones Plantation! I said to myself, I wish I might venture to offer a small bet that it isn't, but I did not chirp. I only waited to see. Mr. Bixby handled the engine bells, and in due course the boat's nose came to the land. A torch glowed from the folksel. A man skippered ashore. A darky's voice on the bank said, Give me the carpet bag, Mars Jones! In the next moment we were standing up the river again all serene. I reflected deeply awhile and then said, but not aloud, Well, the finding of that plantation was the luckiest accident that ever happened, but it couldn't happen again in a hundred years, and I truly believed it was an accident too. By the time we had gone seven or eight hundred miles up the river, I had learned to be a tolerably plucky upstream steersman in daylight, and before we reached St. Louis, I had made a trifle of progress in night-look, but only a trifle. I had a notebook that fairly bristled with the names of towns, points, bars, islands, bends, reaches, etc., but the information was to be found only in the notebook. None of it was in my head. It made my heart ache to think I had only got half of the river set down, for as our watch was four hours off and four hours on, day and night, there was a long four-hour gap in my book for every time I had flecked since the voyage began. My chief was presently hired to go on a big New Orleans boat, and I packed my satchel and went with him. She was a grand affair, and I stood in her pilot house. I was so far above the water that I seemed perched on a mountain, and her deck stretched so far away, four and a half below me, that I wondered how I could ever have considered the little Paul Jones a large craft. There were other differences too. The Paul Jones' pilot house was a cheap, dingy, battered rattletrap, cramped for room, but here was a sumptuous glass temple, room enough to have a dance in. So he read and gold window curtains, an imposing sofa, leather cushions, and a back-to-the-high bench where visiting pilots sit to spin yarns and look at the river. Bright fanciful cuspidores instead of a broad wooden box filled with sawdust, nice new oil cloth on the floor, a hospitable big stove for winter, a wheel as high as my head, costly with inlaid work, a wire tiller rope, bright brass knobs for the bells, and a tidy, white-aproned, black Texas tender to bring up tarts and ices and coffee during midwatch day and night. Now, this was something like, and so I began to take heart once more to believe that piloting was a romantic sort of occupation after all. The moment we were underway, I began to prowl about the great steamer and fill myself with joy. She was as clean and as dainty as a drawing room. When I looked down her long-guilded phone, it was like gazing through a splendid tunnel. She had an oil pitcher by some gifted fine painter on every stateroom door. She glittered with no end of prismal fringe chandeliers. The clerk's office was elegant, the bar was marvelous, and the barkeeper had been barbed and upholstered at incredible cost. The boiler deck, i.e. the second story of the boat, so to speak, was as spacious as a church, it seemed to me, so was a folksal. And there was no pitiful handful of deckhands, firemen and rostabouts down there, but a whole battalion of men. The fires were fiercely glaring from a long row of furnaces, and over them were eight huge boilers. This was unutterable pomp, the mighty engines. But enough of this, I had never felt so fine before, and when I found that the regiment of maddy servants respectfully served me, my satisfaction was complete. End of Chapter 6 When I returned to the pilot house, St. Louis was gone and I was lost. Here was a piece of river which was all down in my book, but I could make neither head nor tail of it. You understand, it was turned around. I had seen it when coming upstream, but I had never faced about to see how it looked when it was behind me. My heart broke again, for it was plain that I had got to learn this troublesome river both ways. The pilot house was full of pilots going down to look at the river, what is called the upper river. The two hundred miles between St. Louis and Cairo, where the Ohio comes in, was low, and the Mississippi changes its channel so constantly that the pilots used to always find it necessary to run down to Cairo to take a fresh look, and their boats were to lie in port a week. That is, when the water was at a low stage, a deal of this looking at the river was done by poor fellows who seldom had a birth and whose only hope of getting one lay in their being always freshly posted and therefore ready to drop into the shoes of some reputable pilot for a single trip on account of such pilot's sudden illness or some other necessity. And a good many of them constantly ran up and down inspecting the river, not because they ever really hoped to get a birth, but because they being guests of the boat, it was cheaper to look at the river than stay ashore and pay board. In time, these fellows grew dainty in their tastes and only infested boats that had an established reputation for setting good tables. All visiting pilots were useful for they were always ready and willing, winter or summer, night or day, to go out in the y'all and help buoy the channel or assist the boat's pilots in any way they could. They were likewise welcome because all pilots are tireless talkers when gathered together, and as they talk only about the river, they are always understood and are always interesting. Your true pilot peers nothing about anything on earth but the river, and his pride and his occupation surpasses the pride of kings. We had a fine company of these river inspectors along this trip. There were eight or ten, and there was an abundance of room for them in our great pilot house. Two or three of them wore polished silk hats, elaborate shirt fronts, diamond breastpins, kid gloves, and patent leather boots. They were choice in their English and bore themselves with a dignity proper to men of solid means and prodigious reputations as pilots. The others were more or less loosely clad and wore upon their heads tall felt cones that were suggestive of the days of the Commonwealth. I was a cipher in this august company, and felt subdued, or not to say torpid. I was not even of sufficient consequence to assist at the wheel when it was necessary to put the tiller hard down in a hurry. The guests that stood nearest did that, when occasion required, and this was pretty much all the time because of the crookedness of the channel and the scant water. I stood in a corner, and the talk I listened to took the hope all out of me. One visitor said to another, Jim, how did you run Plum Point coming up? It was in the night there, and I ran it the way one of the boys on the Diana told me, started out about fifty yards above the wood pile on the false point, and held on to the cabin under Plum Point till I raised the reef, quarter less twain, then straightened up for the middle bar till I got well-abressed the old one-limbed cottonwood in the bend, then got my stern on the cottonwood, and head on the low place above the point, came through a boom and nine and a half. Three square were crossing, ain't it? Yes, but the upper bar is working down fast. Another pilot spoke up and said, I had better water than that, and ran it lower down, started out from the false point, marked twain, raised the second reef, abreast the big snag in the bend, and had a quarter less twain. One of the gorgeous ones remarked, I don't want to find fault with your ledsman, but that's a good deal of water from Plum Point, it seems to me. There was an approving nod all around as this quiet snub dropped on the boaster and settled him, and so they went on talk, talk, talking. Meantime, the thing that was running in my mind was, how if my ears here are right, I have not only to get the names of all the towns and islands and bends and so on by heart, but I must even get up a warm personal acquaintance ships with every old snag and one limbed cottonwood and obscure wood pile that ornaments the banks of this river for twelve hundred miles. And more than that, I must actually know where these things are in the dark. Unless these guests are gifted with eyes that can pierce through two miles of solid blackness, I wish the piloting business was in Jericho and I had never thought of it. I dust Mr. Bixby tapped the big bell three times, the signal to land, and the captain emerged from his drawing room in the forward end of the Texas and looked up inquiringly. Mr. Bixby said, We will lay up here all night, Captain. Very well, sir. That was all. The boat came to shore and was tied up for the night. Seemed to me a fine thing that the pilot could do as he pleased, without asking so grand a captain's permission. I took my supper and went immediately to bed, discouraged by my day's observations and experiences. My late voyage's note-booking was but a confusion of meaningless names. It had tangled me all up in a knot every time I had looked at it in the daytime. I now hoped for respite and sleep, but no, it reveled all through my head till sunrise again, a frantic and tireless nightmare. Next morning I felt pretty rusty and low-spirited. We went booming along, taking a good many chances, while we were anxious to get out of the river as getting out to Cairo was called before night should overtake us. But Mr. Bixby's partner, the other pilot, presently grounded the boat, and he lost so much time in getting her off that it was plain that darkness would overtake us a good long way above the mouth. This was a great misfortune, especially to certain of our visiting pilots whose boats would have to wait for their return no matter how long that might be. It sobered the pilot-house talk a good deal. Coming upstream, pilots did not mind low water or any kind of darkness. Nothing stopped them but fog. But downstream work was different. A boat was too nearly helpless, with a stiff current pushing behind her, so it was not customary to run downstream at night in low water. There seemed to be one small hope, however. If we could get through the intricate and dangerous Hat Island crossing before night, we could venture the rest, for we would have plainer sailing and better water. But it would be insanity to attempt Hat Island at night, so there was a deal of looking at watches all the rest of the day, and a constant ciphering upon the speed we were making. Hat Island was the eternal subject. Sometimes hope was high, and sometimes we were delayed in a bad crossing, and down it went again. For hours all hands lay under the burden of this suppressed excitement. It was even communicated to me, and I got to feeling so solicitous about Hat Island and under such an awful pressure of responsibility that I wished I might have five minutes on shore to draw a good, full, relieving breath and start over again. We were standing no regular watches. Each of our pilots ran such portions of the river as he had run when coming upstream because of his greater familiarity with it, but both remained in the pilot house constantly. An hour before sunset Mr. Bixby took the wheel, and Mr. W stepped aside. For the next thirty minutes every man held his watch in his hand and was restless, silent, and uneasy. At last somebody said with a doomful sigh, Well, yonder's Hat Island, and we can't make it. All the watches closed with a snap, everybody sighed and muttered something about its being too bad, too bad. We could only have got here half an hour sooner, and the place was thick with the atmosphere of disappointment. Some started to go out, but loitered, hearing no bell-tapped land. The sun dipped behind the horizon, the boat went on. Inquiring looks passed from one guest to another, and one who had his hand on the doorknob and had turned it, waited, then presently took away his hand and let the knob turn back again. We bore steadily down the bend. More looks were exchanged and nods of surprised admiration, but no words. Insensibly the men drew together behind Mr. Bixby as the sky darkened, and one or two dim stars came out. The dead silence and sense of waiting became oppressive. Mr. Bixby pulled the cord, and two deep mellow notes from the big bell floated off on the night. Then a pause, and one more note was struck. The watchman's voice followed from the hurricane deck. Labored led there, stabbered led. The cries of the ledsmen began to rise out of the distance, and were gruffly repeated by the word passers on the hurricane deck. Mark three, Mark three, quarter less three, half twain, quarter twain, Mark twain, quarter less. Mr. Bixby pulled two bell ropes, and was answered by faint jinglings far below in the engine room, and our speed slackened. The steam began to whistle through the gauge-cocks. The cries of the ledsmen went on, and it is a weird sound always in the night. Every pilot in the lot was watching now with fixed eyes and talking under his breath. Nobody was calm and easy but Mr. Bixby. He would put his wheel down and stand on a spoke, and as the steamer swung into her, to me, utterly invisible marks, for we seemed to be in the midst of a wide and gloomy sea. He would meet and fasten her there. Out of the murmur of half audible talk, one caught a coherent sentence now and then, such as, there, she's over the first reef all right? After a pause, another subdued voice, her stern's coming down just exactly right by George. Now she's in the marks, over she goes. Somebody else muttered, Oh, it was done beautiful, beautiful. Now the engines were stopped altogether, and we drifted with a current. Not that I could see the boat drift, for I could not. The stars being all gone by this time. This drifting was the dismalest work. It held one's heart still. Presently I discovered the blacker glooms and that which surrounded us. It was the head of the island. We were closing right down upon it. We entered its deeper shadow, and so imminent seemed the peril that I was likely to suffocate, and I had the strongest impulse to do something, anything, to save the vessel. But still, Mr. Bixby stood by his wheel, silent, intent as a cat. And all the pilot stood shoulder to shoulder at his back. She'll not make it, somebody whispered. The water grew shoulder and shoulder by the lead from its cries till it was down to eight and a half, eight feet, eight feet, seven and Mr. Bixby said, warningly, through his speaking tube to the engineer, Stand by now. Sure, seven and a half, seven feet, six and we touched bottom. Instantly, Mr. Bixby set a lot of bells ringing, shouted through the tube, Now, let her have it, everybody else you've got. Then to his partner, put her heart down, snatcher, snatcher, the boat grasped and ground her way through the sand, hung upon the apex of disaster, a single tremendous instant, and then over she went. And such a shout as went up at Mr. Bixby's back, never loosened the roof of a pilot house before. There was no trouble after that. Mr. Bixby was a hero that night, and it was some little time too before his exploits ceased to be talked about by Rivermen, fully to realize the marvelous precision required in laying the great steamer in her marks in that murky waste of water. One should know that not only must she pick her intricate way through snags and blind reefs, and then shave the head of the island so closely as to brush the overhanging foliage with her stern, but at one place she must pass almost within arms reach of a sunken and invisible wreck that would snatch the hull timbers from under her if she should strike it and destroy a quarter of a million dollars worth of steamboat and cargo in five minutes, and maybe a hundred and fifty human lives into the bargain. The last remark I heard that night was a compliment to Mr. Bixby, uttered in soliloquy and with unction by one of our guests. He said, By the shadow of death, but he's a lightning pilot. End of chapter seven. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain. Chapter Eight Perplexing Lessons. At the end of what seemed a tedious while, I had managed to pack my head full of islands, towns, bars, points, and bends, and a curiously inanimate mass of lumber it was, too. However, inasmuch as I could shut my eyes and reel off a good long string of these names without leaving out more than ten miles of river in every fifty, I began to feel that I could take a boat down to New Orleans if I could make her skip those little gaps. But of course my complacency could hardly get start enough to lift my nose a trifle into the air before Mr. Bixby would think of something to fetch it down again. One day he turned on me suddenly with this settler. What is the shape of walnut bend? He might as well have asked me my grandmother's opinion of protoplasm I reflected respectfully and then said I didn't know it had any particular shape. My gunpowdery chief went off with a bang, of course, and then went on loading and firing until he was out of adjectives. I had learned long ago that he only carried just so many rounds of ammunition and was sure to subside into a very placable and even remorseful old smooth bore as soon as they were all gone. That word old is merely affectionate. He was not more than thirty-four. I waited. By and by he said, My boy, you've got to know the shape of the river perfectly. It is all there is left to steer by on a very dark night. Everything else is blotted out and gone. But mind you, it hasn't the same shape in the night that it has in the daytime. How on earth am I ever going to learn it then? How do you follow a hall at home in the dark? Because you know the shape of it. You can't see it. You mean to say that I've got to know all the million trifling variations of shape in the banks of this interminable river as well as I know the shape of the front hall at home? On my honor, you've got to know them better than any man ever did know the shapes of the halls in his own house. I wish I was dead. Now I don't want to discourage you, but well, pile it on me, and might as well have it now is another time. You see, this has got to be learned. There isn't any getting around it. A clear starlight night throws such heavy shadows that if you don't know the shape of the shore perfectly you would claw away from every bunch of timber because you would take the black shadow of it for a solid cape and you see you would be getting scared to death every fifteen minutes by the watch. You would be fifty yards from shore all the time when you want to be within fifty feet of it. You can't see a snag in one of those shadows but you know exactly where it is and the shape of the river tells you when you are coming to it. Then there's your pitch dark night. The river is a very different shape on a pitch dark night from what it is on a starlight night. All shores seem to be straight lines then and mightied in ones too and you'd run them for straight lines only you know better. You boldly drive your boat right into what seems to be a solid straight wall, you knowing very well that in reality there is a curve there and that wall falls back and makes sway for you. Then there's your gray mist. You take a night when there's one of these grisly-drisly gray mists and then there isn't any particular shape to assure. A gray mist would tangle the head of the oldest man that ever lived. Well then, different kinds of moonlight change the shape of the river in different ways. You see, oh don't say any more please. Have I got to learn the shape of the river according to all these five hundred thousand different ways? If I tried to carry all that cargo in my head it would make me stoop No, you only learn the shape of the river and you learn it with such absolute certainty that you can always steer by the shape that's in your head and never mind the one that's before your eyes. Very well, I'll try it. But after I have learned it, can I depend on it? Will it keep the same form and not go fooling around? Before Mr. Bixby could answer, Mr. W came in to take the watch and he said, Bixby, you'll have to look out for President's Island and all that country clear way up above the old ham and chickens. The banks are craving and the shape of the shore is changing like everything. Why, you wouldn't know the point above 40. You can go up inside old Sycamore Snag now, footnote one. It may not be necessary, but still it can do no harm to explain that inside means between the Snag and the shore. M.T. So that question was answered. Here were leagues of shore changing shape. My spirits were down in the mud again. Two things seemed pretty apparent to me. One was that in order to be a pilot a man had got to learn more than any one man ought to be allowed to know and the other was that he must learn it all over again in a different way every 24 hours. That night we had the watch until 12. Now it was an ancient river custom for the two pilots to chat a bit when the watch changed. While the relieving pilot put on his gloves and lit his cigar, his partner, the retiring pilot would say something like this, I judge the upper bar is making down a little at Hale's Point, had quarter twain with a lower lead and mark twain, footnote two fathoms, quarter twain is two and a quarter fathoms, thirteen and a half feet, mark three is three fathoms, had quarter twain with a lower lead and mark twain with the other. Yes, I thought it was making down a little last trip. Meet any boats? Met one abreast the head of twenty-one, but she was away over hugging the bar and I couldn't make her out entirely. I took her for the sunny south, hadn't any skylights for the chimneys, and so on. And as the relieving pilot took the wheel, his partner, footnote partner is a technical term for the other pilot, his partner would mention that we were in such and such a bend, and say we were abreast of such and such a man's woodyard or plantation. This was courtesy, I supposed it was necessity, but Mr. W came on watch full twelve minutes late on this particular night, a tremendous breach of etiquette, in fact it is the unpardonable sin among pilots. So Mr. Bixby gave him no greeting whatever, but simply surrendered the wheel and marched out of the pilot house without a word. I was appalled. It was a villainous night for blackness. We were in a particularly wide and blind part of the river where there was no shape or substance to anything. And it seemed incredible that Mr. Bixby should have left that poor fellow to kill the boat trying to find out where he was. But I resolved that I would stand by him anyway. He should find that he was not wholly friendless. So I stood around and waited to be asked where we were. But Mr. W plunged on serenely through the solid firmament of black cats that stood for an atmosphere and never opened his mouth. Here is a proud devil I fought. Here is a limb of Satan that would rather send us all to destruction than put himself under obligation to me, because I am not yet one of the salt of the earth and privileged to snub captains and lord it over everything dead and alive in a steamboat. I presently climbed up on the bench. I did not think it was safe to go to sleep while this lunatic was on watch. However, I must have gone to sleep in the course of time because the next thing I was aware of was the fact that day was breaking. Mr. W gone and Mr. Bixby at the wheel again. So it was four o'clock and all well, but me, I felt like a skin full of dry bones and all of them trying to ache at once. Mr. Bixby asked me what I had stayed up there for. I confessed that it was to do Mr. W a benevolence. Tell him where he was. It took five minutes for the entire preposterousness of the thing to filter into Mr. Bixby's system, and then I judge it filled him nearly up to the chin because he paid me a compliment and not much of one either. He said, Well, taking you by and large, you do seem to be more different kinds of an ass than any creature I ever saw before. What do you suppose he wanted to know for? I said I thought it might be a convenience to him. Convenience denation. Didn't I tell you that a man's got to know the river in the night the same as he'd know his own front hall? Well, I can follow the front hall in the dark if I know it is the front hall. But suppose you set me down in the middle of it in the dark and not tell me which hall it is. How am I to know? Well, you've got to know on the river. All right. And then I'm glad I never said anything to Mr. W. I should say so why he'd have slammed you through the window and utterly ruined a hundred dollars worth of window sash and stuff. I was glad this damage had been saved for it would have made me unpopular with the owners. They always hated anybody who had the name of being careless and injuring things. I went to work now to learn the shape of the river and of all the eluding and ungraspable objects that ever I tried to get mind or hands on that was the chief. I would fasten my eyes upon a sharp wooded point that projected far into the river some miles ahead of me and go to laboriously photographing its shape upon my brain. And just as I was beginning to succeed to my satisfaction, we would draw up toward it and the exasperating thing would begin to melt away and fold back into the bank. If there had been a conspicuous dead tree standing upon the very point of the cape, I would find that tree inconspicuously merged into the general forest and occupying the middle of a straight shore when I got abreast of it. No prominent hill would stick to its shape long enough for me to make up my mind what its form really was but it was as dissolving and changeful as if it had been a mountain of butter in the hottest corner of the tropics. Nothing ever had the same shape when I was coming downstream that it had borne when I went up. I mentioned these little difficulties that Mr. Bixby, he said, well that's the very main virtue of the thing. If the shapes didn't change every three seconds, they wouldn't be of any use. Take this place where we are now, for instance. As long as that hill over yonder is only one hill, I can beam right along the way I'm going. But the moment it splits at the top and forms a V, I know I've got to scratch the starboard in a hurry or I'll bang this boat's brains out against the rock. And then the moment one of the prongs of the V swings behind the other, I've got to waltz to labor it again, or I'll have the misunderstanding with a snag that would snatch the kielsen out of this steamboat as neatly as if it were a sliver in your hand. If that hill didn't change its shape on bad nights, there would be an awful steamboat graveyard around here inside of a year. It was plain that I had got it to learn the shape of the river in all the different ways that could be thought of, upside down, wrong end first, inside out, forehand aft, and forp ships, and then know what to do on grey nights when it hadn't any shape at all. So I said about it. In the course of time I began to get the best of this naughty lesson, and my self-complacency moved to the front once more. Mr. Bixby was all fixed and ready to start it to the rear again. He opened on me after this fashion. How much water did we have in the middle-crossing, that hole-in-the-wall trip before last? I considered this an outrage. I said, every trip down and up the Ledzmen are singing through that tango place for three-quarters of an hour on stretch. How do you reckon I can remember such a mess as that? My boy, you've got to remember it. You've got to remember the exact spot and the exact marks the boat lay in when we had the shoalest water in every one of the five hundred shoal places between St. Louis and New Orleans. And you mustn't get the shoal soundings and marks of one trip mixed up with the shoal soundings and marks of another, either, or they're not often twice alike. You must keep them separate. When I came to myself again, I said, when I get so that I can do that, I'll be able to raise the dead. Then I won't have to pilot a steamboat to make a living. I want to retire from this business. I want a slush bucket and a brush. I'm only fit for a rest about. I haven't got brains enough to be a pilot, and if I had, I wouldn't have strength enough to carry them around unless I went on crutches. Now drop that. When I say I'll learn, footnote, teach is not in the river vocabulary. Learn a man the river, I mean it, and you can depend on it. I'll learn and we'll kill him. End of Chapter 8 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi Chapter 9 Continued Perplexities There was no use in arguing with a person like this. I promptly put such a strain on my memory that by and by, even the shoal water and the countless crossing marks began to stay with me. But the result was just the same. I never could more than get one naughty thing learned before another presented itself. Now, I had often seen pilots gazing at the water and pretending to read it as if it were a book. But it was a book that told me nothing. A time came at last, however, when Mr. Bixby seemed to think me far enough advanced to bear a lesson on water reading. So he began. You see that long, slanting line on the face of the water? Now, that's a reef. Moreover, it's a bluff reef. There is a solid sandbar under it that is nearly as straight up and down as the side of a house. There is plenty of water close up to it, but mighty little on top of it. If you were to hit it, you would knock the boat's brains out. You see where the line fringes out at the upper end and begins to fade away? Yes, sir. Well, that is a low place. That is the head of the reef. You can climb over there and not hurt anything. Cross over now and follow along close under the reef. Easy water there. Not much current. I followed the reef along till I approached the fringed end. Then Mr. Bixby said, Now, get ready. Wait till I give the word. She won't want about the reef. A boat hates shoal water. Stand by. Wait. Wait. Keep her well in hand. Now, cramp her down. Snatch her. Snatch her. He seized the other side of the wheel and helped to spin it around until it was hard down and then we held to it. The boat resisted and refused to answer for a while. And next she came surging to starboard, mounted the reef, and sent a long, angry ridge of water foaming away from her boughs. Now watch her. Watch her like a cat or she'll get away from you. When she fights strong and the tiller slips a little in a jerky, greasy sort of way, let up on her a trifle. It is the way she tells you at night that the water is too shoal. But keep edging her up little by little toward the point. You are well up on the bar now. There's a bar under every point because the water that comes down around it forms an eddy and allows the sediment to sink. Do you see those fine lines on the face of the water that branch out like the ribs of a fan? Well, those are little reefs. You want to just miss the ends of them, but run them pretty close. Now look out. Look out. Don't you crowd that slick greasy looking place. There ain't nine feet there. She won't stand it. She begins to smell it. Look straight up and tell you. Oh blazes. There you go. Stop the starboard wheel. Quick. Ship us to back. Set her back. The engine bells jingled and the engines answered promptly, shooting white columns of steam far loft out of the skate pipes, but it was too late. The boat had smelt the bar in good earnest. The foamy ridges that radiated from her bow suddenly disappeared. A great dead swell came rolling forward and swept ahead of her. She gleaned far over to Larbert and went tearing away toward the other shores if she were about scared to death. We were a good mile from where we ought to have been when we finally got the upper hand of her again. During the afternoon watch the next day, Mr. Bixby asked me if I knew how to run the next few miles. I said, go inside the first snag above the point, outside the next one, start out from the lower end of Higgins' Woodyard, make a square crossing and, that's all right, I'll be back before you close up the next point. But he wasn't. He was still below when I rounded it and entered upon a piece of river, which I had some misgivings about. I did not know that he was hiding behind a chimney to see how I would perform. I went daily along, getting prouder and prouder, for he had never left the boat in my sole charge such a length of time before. I even got to setting her and letting the wheel go entirely while I vain gloriously turned my back and inspected the stem marks and hummed a tune, a sort of easy indifference which I had prodigiously admired in Bixby and other great pilots. Once I inspected rather long, and when I faced to the front again, my heart flew into my mouth so suddenly that if I hadn't clapped my teeth together I should have lost it. One of those frightful bluff reefs was stretched its deadly length right across our bowels. My head was gone in a moment. I did not know which end I stood on. I gasped and could not get my breath. I spun the wheel down with such rapidity that it wove its stealth together like a spider's web. The boat answered and turned square away from the reef, but the reef followed her. I fled and still it followed. Still it kept right across my bows. I never looked to see where I was going. I only fled. The awful crash was imminent. Why didn't that villain come? If I committed the crime of ringing a bell, I might get thrown overboard. But better that than kill the boat. So in blind desperation I started such a rattling chivalry down below as never had astounded an engineer in this world before, I fancy. Amidst the frenzy of the bells, the engines began to back and fill in a furious way, and my reason forsook its throne. We were about to crash into the woods on the other side of the river. Just then Mr. Bixby stepped calmly into view on the hurricane deck. My soul went out to him in gratitude. My distress vanished. I would have felt safe on the brink of Niagara with Mr. Bixby on the hurricane deck. He blandly and sweetly took his toothpick out of his mouth between his fingers, as if it were a cigar. We were just in the act of climbing an overhanging big tree, and the passengers were scutting a stern like rats and lifted up these commands to me ever so gently. Stop the starboard. Stop the larboard. Set her back on both. The boat hesitated, halted. Press her nose among the bow as a critical instant, then reluctantly began to back away. Stop the larboard. Come ahead on it. Stop the starboard. Come ahead on it. Point her for the bar. I sailed away as serenely as the summer's morning. Mr. Bixby came in and said with mock simplicity, When you have a hail, my boy, you ought to tap the big bells three times before you land, so that the engineers can get ready. I blushed under the sarcasm and said I hadn't had any hail. Ah, then it was for wood, I suppose. The officer of the watch will tell you when he wants to wood up. I went on consuming and said I wasn't after wood. Indeed. Why, uh, what could you want over here in the bend then? Did you ever know of a boat following a bend upstream at the stage of the river? No, sir, and I wasn't trying to follow it. I was getting away from a bluff reef. No, it wasn't a bluff reef. There isn't one within three miles of where you were. But I saw it. It was as bluff as that one yonder. Just about. Run over it. Do you give it as an order? Yes, run over it. If I don't, I wish I may die. All right, I am taking the responsibility. I was just as anxious to kill the boat now as I had been to save her before. I impressed my orders upon my memory to be used at the inquest and made a straight break for the reef. As it disappeared under our bows I held my breath, but we slid over it like oil. Now do you see the difference? It wasn't anything but a wind reef. The wind does that. So I see, but it is exactly like a bluff reef. How am I ever going to tell them apart? I can't tell you. It's an instinct. By and by you will just naturally know one from the other, but you never will be able to explain why or how you know them apart. It turned out to be true. The face of the water in time became a wonderful book. A book that was a dead language to the uneducated passenger, but which told its mind to me without reserve, delivering its most cherished secrets as clearly as if it uttered them with a voice. And it was not a book to be read once and thrown aside for it had a new story to tell every day. Throughout the long twelve hundred miles there was never a page that was void of interest, never one that you could leave unread without loss, never one that you would want to skip, thinking you might find higher enjoyment in some other thing. There never was so wonderful a book written by man, never one whose interest was so absorbing, so unflagging, so sparkingly renewed with every re-perusal. The passenger who could not read it was charmed with a peculiar sort of faint dimple on its surface, on the rare occasions when he did not overlook it altogether, but to the pilot that was an italicized passage. Indeed it was more than that. It was a legend of the largest capitals, with a string of shouting exclamation points at the end of it, for it meant that a wreck or a rock was buried there that could tear the life out of the strongest vessel that ever floated. It is the faintest and simplest expression the mortar ever makes, and the most hideous to a pilot's eye. In truth, the passenger who could not read this book saw nothing but all manner of pretty pictures in it painted by the sun and shaded by the clouds, whereas to the trained eye these were not pictures at all but the grimest and most dead earnest of reading matter. Now, when I had mastered the language of this water and had come to know every trifling feature that bordered the Great River as familiarly as I knew the letters of the alphabet, I had made a valuable acquisition, but I had lost something too. I had lost something which could never be restored to me while I lived. All the grace, the beauty, the poetry had gone out of the majestic river. I still keep in mind a certain wonderful sunset which I witnessed when steamboating was new to me. A broad expanse of the river was turned to blood. In the middle distance, the red hue brightened into gold, through which a solitary log came floating black and conspicuous. In one place, a long slanting mark lay sparkling upon the water. In another, the surface was broken by boiling tumbling rings that were as many tinted as an opal, where the ruddy flush was faintest, was a smooth spot that was covered with graceful circles and radiating lines ever so delicately traced. The shore on our left was densely wooded, and the somber shadow that fell from this forest was broken in one place by a long, ruffled trail that shone like silver, and high above the forest wall a clean stemmed dead tree waved a single leafy bow that glowed like a flame in the unobstructed splendor that was flowing from the sun. There were graceful curves, reflected images, woody heights, soft distances, and over the whole scene far and near the dissolving lights drifted steadily, enriching it, every passing moment with new marvels of coloring. I stood like one bewitched. I drank it in, in a speechless rapture. The world was new to me, and I had never seen anything like this at home. But as I have said, a day came when I began to cease from noting the glories and the charms which the moon and the sun and the twilight wrought upon the river's face. Another day came when I ceased altogether to note them. Then, if that sunset scene had been repeated, I should have looked upon it without rapture, and should have commented upon it inwardly after this fashion. This sun means that we are going to have wind tomorrow. That floating log means that the river is rising. Small thanks to it. That slanting dark on the water refers to a bluff reef which is going to kill somebody's steamboat one of these nights if it keeps on stretching out like that. Those tumbling boils show a dissolving bar and a changing channel there. The lines and circles in the slick water over yonder are a warning that that troublesome place is showing up dangerously. That silver streak in the shadow of the forest is the break from a new snag, and he has located himself in the very best place he could have found to fish for steamboats. That tall dead tree with a single living branch is not going to last long, and then how is the body ever going to get through this blind place at night without the friendly old landmark? No. The romance and the beauty were all gone from the river. All the value any feature of it had for me now was the amount of usefulness that could furnish towards compassing the safe piloting of a steamboat. Since those days I have pitied doctors from my heart. What does the lovely flush and a beauty's cheek mean to a doctor but a break that ripples above some deadly disease are not all her visible charms sewn thick with what are, to him, the signs and symbols of hidden decay? Does he ever see her beauty at all, or doesn't he simply view her professionally and comment upon her unholy condition all to himself? And doesn't he sometimes wonder whether he has gained most or lost most by learning his trade? End of Chapter 9 Whosoever has done me the courtesy to read my chapters which have preceded this may possibly wonder that I deal so minutely with piloting as a science. It was the prime purpose of those chapters and I am not quite done yet. I wish to show in the most patient and painstaking way what a wonderful science it is. Ship channels are buoyed and lighted and therefore it is a comparatively easy undertaking to learn to run them. Clearwater rivers with gravel bottoms change their channels very gradually and therefore one needs to learn them but once. But piloting becomes another matter when you apply it to vast streams like the Mississippi and the Missouri whose alluvial banks cave and change constantly, whose snags are always hunting up new quarters, whose sandbars are never at rest, whose channels are forever dodging and shirking, and whose obstructions must be confronted in all nights and all weathers without the aid of a single lighthouse or a single buoy. For there is neither light nor buoy to be found anywhere in all this three or four thousand miles of Villanus River. Footnote, true at the time referred to, not true now, 1882. I feel justified in enlarging upon this great science for the reason that I feel sure no one has ever yet written a paragraph about it who had piloted a steamboat himself and so had a practical knowledge of the subject. If the theme were hackneyed I should be obliged to deal gently with a reader, but since it is wholly new I have felt at liberty to take up a considerable degree of room with it. When I had learned the name and position of every visible feature of the river, when I had so mastered its shape that I could shut my eyes and trace it from St. Louis to New Orleans, when I had learned to read the face of the river as one would call the news from the morning paper, and finally when I had trained my dull memory to treasure up an endless array of soundings and crossing marks and keep fast hold of them, I judged that my education was complete, so I got to tilting my cap to the side of my head and wearing a toothpick in my mouth at the wheel. Mr. Bixby had his eye on these heirs. One day he said, What is the height of that bank yonder at Burgesses? How can I tell sir? It is three quarters of a mile away. Very poor eye. Very poor. Take the glass. I took the glass and presently said, I can't tell. I suppose that that bank is about a foot and a half high. Foot and a half. That's a six foot bank. How high was the bank along here last trip? I don't know. I never noticed. You didn't? Well, you must always do it here after. Why? Because you'll have to know a good many things that it tells you. For one thing it tells you the stage of the river. Tells you whether there's more water or less in the river along here than there was last trip. The lads tell me that. I rather thought I had the advantage of him there. Yes, but suppose the lads lie. The bank would tell you so, and then you'd stir those lightsmen up a bit. There was a ten foot bank here last trip, and there's only a six foot bank now. What does that signify? That the river is four feet higher than it was last trip. Very good. Is the river rising or falling? Rising. No, it ain't. I guess I am right, sir. Yonder is some driftwood floating down the stream. A rise starts the driftwood, but then it keeps on floating a while after the river is done rising. Now the bank will tell you about this. Wait till you come to a place where it shelves a little. Now here. Do you see this narrow belt of fine sediment? That was deposited while the water was higher. You see the driftwood begins to strand too. The bank helps in other ways. Do you see that stump on the false point? Aye aye, sir. Well, the water is just up to the roots of it. You must make a note of that. Why? Because that means that there's seven feet in the chute of 103. But 103 is a long way up the river yet. That's where the benefit of the bank comes in. There is water enough in 103 now, yet there may not be by the time we get there. But the bank will keep us posted all along. You don't want close chutes on a falling river upstream, and there are precious few of them that you are allowed to run at all downstream. There's a law of the United States against it. The river may be rising by the time we get to 103, and in that case we'll run it. We are drawing, uh, how much? Six feet out, six and a half forward. Well, you do seem to know something. But, uh, what I particularly want to know is if I have to keep up an everlasting measuring of the banks of this river, twelve hundred miles, month in and month out. Of course. My emotions were too deep for words for a while, but presently I said, and how about these chutes? Are there many of them? I should say so. I fancy we shan't run any of the river this trippus. You've ever seen it run before, so to speak. If the river begins to rise again, we'll go up behind bars that you've always seen standing out of the river, high and dry, like the roof of a house. We'll clap across low places that you've never noticed at all, right through the middle of bars that cover 300 acres of river. We'll creep through cracks where you've always thought was solid land. We'll dart through the woods and leave 25 miles of river off to one side. We'll see the hindsight of every island between New Orleans and Cairo. Then I've got to go to work and learn just as much more river as I already know. Just about twice as much more as near as you can come at it. Well, one lives to find out. I think I was a fool when I went into this business. Yes, that is true, and you are yet, but you'll not be when you've learned it. Ah, I can never learn it. I will see that you do. Fine by I ventured again. Have I got to learn all this thing just as I know the rest of the river, shapes and all, and so I can run it at night? Yes, and you've got to have good, fair marks from one end of the river to the other that will help the bank tell you when there is water enough in each of these countless places, like that stump, you know. When the river first begins to rise, you can run half a dozen of the deepest of them. When it rises a foot more, you can run another dozen. The next foot will add a couple of dozens and so on. So you see you have to know your banks and marks to a dead moral certainty and never get them mixed. But when you start through one of those cracks, there's no backing out again. As there is in the big river, you've got to go through or stay there six months if you get caught on a falling river. There are about 50 of these cracks which you can't run at all except when the river is brimful and over the banks. This new lesson is a cheerful prospect, cheerful enough, and mind what I've just told you. When you start into one of those places, you've got to go through. They are too narrow to turn around in, too crooked to back out of, and the shoal water is always up at the head, never elsewhere. And the head of them is always likely to be filling up little by little so that the marks you reckon their depth by this season may not answer for next. Learn a new set then every year? Exactly. A cramper up to the bar. What are you standing up through the middle of the river for? The next few months showed me strange things. On the same day that we held the conversation above narrated, we met a great wise coming down the river. The whole vast face of the stream was black with drifting dead logs, broken boughs, and great trees that had caved in and been washed away. It required the nicest steering to pick one's way through this rushing raft even in the daytime when crossing from point to point, and at night the difficulty was mightily increased. Every now and then a huge log lying deep in the water would suddenly appear right under our bows coming head on. No use to try to avoid it then. We could only stop the engines, and one wheel would walk over that log from one end to the other, heaping up a thundering racket and careening the boat in a way that was very uncomfortable to passengers. Now and then we would hit one of these sunken logs in a ruttling bang dead in the center with a full head of steam, and it would stun the boat as if she had hit a continent. Sometimes this log would log and stay right across our nose and back the Mississippi up before it. We would have to do a little craw fishing then to get away from the obstruction. We often hit white logs in the dark, for we could not see them till we were right on them. But a black log is a pretty distinct object at night. A white snag is an ugly customer when the daylight is gone. Of course on the great rise down came a swarm of prodigious timber rafts from the headwaters of the Mississippi, whole barges from Pittsburgh, little trading scours from everywhere, and broad horns from Posey County, Indiana, freighted with fruit and furniture, the usual term for describing it, though in plain English the freight thus aggrandized was hoop-poles and pumpkins. Pilots bore a mortal hatred to these craft, and it was returned with usury. The law required all such helpless traders to keep a light burning, but it was a law that was often broken. All of a sudden on a murky night a light would hop up right under our bows, almost, and an agonized voice with a backwards wang to it would wail out, WANG THAT YOU GO INTO! THANK YOU SING NOTHIN', YOU DASH DASH EGGS Suckin' Sheep-Steven One-Eyed Son of a Stuff Monkey! Then for an instant as we whistled by the red glare from our furnaces would reveal the scow in the form of the gesticulating orator as if under a lightning flash, and in that instant our firemen and deckhands would send and receive a tempest of missiles and profanity. One of our wheels would walk off with a crashing fragment for the steering oar, and down the dead blackness would shut again, and that flat boatman would be sure to go into New Orleans and sue our boat, swearing stoutly that he had a light burning all the time, when in truth his gang had the lantern down below to sing and lie and drink and gamble by, and no watch on deck. Once at night, in one of those forest-bordered crevices behind an island, which steam boatmen intensely described with a phrase, as dark as the inside of a cowl, we should have eaten up the Posey County family, fruit, furniture, and all, but that they happened to be fiddling down below and we just caught the sound of the music in time to shear off doing no serious damage, unfortunately, but coming so near it that we had good hopes for a moment. These people brought up their lantern then, of course, and as we backed and filled to get away the precious family stood in the light of it, both sexes and various ages, and cursed us till everything turned blue. Once a coal boatman sent a bullet through our pilot house when we borrowed a steering oar of him in a very narrow place. End of Chapter 10 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain. Chapter 11 The River Rises During this big rise, these small fry-craft were an intolerable nuisance. We were running shoot after shoot, a new world to me, and if there was a particularly cramped place in a shoot, we would be pretty sure to meet a broad horn there, and if he failed to be there, we would find him in a still worse locality, namely the head of the shoot, on the shore water. And then there was to be no end of profane cordialities exchanged. Sometimes in the big river, when we would be feeling our way cautiously along through a fog, the deep hush would suddenly be broken by yells and a clamor of tin pans, and all in an instant a log raft would appear vaguely through the webby veil close upon us. And then we did not wait to swap knives, but snatched our engine bells out by the roots, and piled on all the steam we had to scramble out of the way. One doesn't hit a rock or a solid log craft with a steamboat when he can get excused. You will hardly believe it, but many steamboat clerks always carried a large assortment of religious tracts with them in those old departed steamboating days. Indeed, they did. Twenty times a day we would be cramping up around a bar, while a string of these small fried rascals were drifting down into the head of the bend, away above and beyond us a couple of miles. Now a skiff would dart away from one of them and come fighting its laborious way across the desert of water. It would ease all in the shadow of our folksal, and the panting oarsmen would shout, Give me a paper! as the skiff drifted swiftly astern. The clerk would throw over a file of Norland's journals. If these were picked up without comment, you might notice that now a dozen other skiffs had been drifting down upon us without saying anything. You understand, they had been waiting to see how number one was going to fail. Number one, making no comment, all the rest would bend to their oars and come on now. And as fast as they came the clerk would heave over neat bundles of religious tracts tied to shingles. The amount of hard swearing which twelve packages of religious literature will command when impartially divided up among twelve raftsmen's crews, who have pulled a heavy skiff two miles on a hot day to get them, is simply incredible. As I have said, the big rise brought a new world under my vision. By the time the river was over its banks we had forsaken our old paths and were hourly climbing over bars that had stood ten feet out of the water before. We were shaving stumpy shores, like that at the foot of Madrid Bend, which I had always seen avoided before. We were clattering through shoots like that of 82, where the opening at the foot was an unbroken wall of timber, till our nose was almost at the very spot. Some of these shoots were utter solitudes. The dense untouched forest overhung both banks of the crooked little crack, and one could believe that human creatures had never intruded there before. The swinging grapevines, the grassy nooks and vistas glimpsed as we swept by, the flowering creepers waving their red blossoms from the tops of dead trunks, and all the spend-thrift richness of the forest foliage were wasted and thrown away there. The shoots were lovely places to steer in. They were deep, except at the head. The current was gentle. Under the points the water was absolutely dead, and the invisible banks so bluffed that where the tender will of thickets projected you could bury your boat's broadside in them as you tore along, and then you seemed fairly to fly. Behind other islands we found wretched little farms and wretched little log cabins. There were crazy rail fences sticking a foot or two above the water, with one or two jeans clad chills racked, yellow-faced male miserables roosting on the top rail, elbows on knees, jaws in hands, grinding tobacco and discharging the results at floating chips through crevices left by lost teeth, while the rest of the family and the few farm animals were huddled together in an empty wood flat riding at her moorings close at hand. In this flat boat the family would have to cook and eat and sleep for a lesser or greater number of days or possibly weeks, until the river should fall two or three feet and let them get back to their log cabin and their chills again, chills being a merciful provision of an all-wise providence to enable them to take exercise without exertion. And this sort of watery camping out was a thing which these people were rather liable to be treated to a couple of times a year, by the December rise out of the Ohio and the June rise out of the Mississippi. And yet these were kindly dispensations, for they at least enabled the poor things to rise from the dead now and then and look upon life when a steamboat went by. They appreciated the blessing, too, for they spread their mouths and eyes wide open and made the most of these occasions. Now what could these banished creatures find to do to keep from dying of the blues during the low-water season? Once in one of these lovely island chutes we found our course completely bridged by a great fallen tree. This will serve to show how narrow some of the chutes were. The passengers had an hour's recreation in a virgin wilderness, while the boat hands chopped the bridge away, for there was no such thing as turning back, you comprehend. From Cairo to Baton Rouge, when the river is over its banks, you have no particular trouble in the night, for the thousand-mile wall of dense forest that guards the two banks all the way is only gapped with a farm or woodyard opening at intervals, and so you can't get out of the river much easier than you could get out of a fenced lane. But from Baton Rouge to New Orleans is a different matter. The river is more than a mile wide and very deep, as much as two hundred feet in places. Most banks, for a good deal over a hundred miles, are shorn of their timber and bordered by continuous sugar plantations, with only here and there a scattering sapling or row of ornamental china trees. The timber is shorn off clear to the rear of the plantations, from two to four miles. When the first frost threatens to come, the planters snatch off their crops in a hurry. When they have finished grinding the cane they form the refuse of the stalks, which they call bagasse, integrate piles and set fire to them, though in other sugar countries the bagasse is used for fuel in the furnaces of the sugar mills. Now the piles of damp bagasse burn slowly and smoke like Satan's own kitchen. An embarkment ten or fifteen feet high guards boats banks of the Mississippi all the way down that lower end of the river, and this embankment is set back from the edge of the shore from ten to perhaps a hundred feet according to circumstances, say thirty or forty feet as a general thing. Fill that whole region with an impenetrable gloom of smoke from a hundred miles of burning bagasse piles when the river is over the banks and turn a steamboat loose along there at midnight and see how she will feel, and see how you will feel too. You find yourself a way out in the midst of a vague dim sea that is shoreless, that fades out and loses itself in the murky distances. For you cannot discern the thin rib of embankment, and you are always imagining you see a straggling tree when you don't. The plantations themselves are transformed by the smoke and look like a part of the sea. All through your watch you are tortured with the exquisite misery of uncertainty. You hope you are keeping in the river, but you do not know. All that you are sure about is that you are likely to be within six feet of the bank and destruction when you think you are a good half-mile from shore. And you are sure also that if you chance suddenly to fetch up against the embankment and topple your chimney's overboard, you will have the small comfort of knowing that it is about what you were expecting to do. One of the great Vicksburg packets darted out into a sugar plantation one night, at such a time, and had to stay there a week, but there was no novelty about it. It had often been done before. I thought I had finished this chapter, but I wish to add a curious thing while it is on my mind. It is only relevant in that it is connected with piloting. There used to be an excellent pilot on the river, a Mr. X, who was a Sonambulist. It was said that if his mind was troubled about a bad piece of river, he was pretty sure to get up and walk in his sleep and do strange things. He was often fellow pilot for a trip or two with George Ealer on a great New Orleans passenger packet. During a considerable part of the first trip, George was uneasy, but got over it by and by, as X seemed content to stay in his bed when asleep. Late one night the boat was approaching Helena Arkansas. The water was low and the crossing above the town in a very blind and tangled condition. X had seen the crossing since Ealer had and as the night was particularly drizzly, sullen and dark, Ealer was considering whether he had not better have X called to assist in running the place when the door opened and X walked in. Now on very dark nights light is a deadly enemy to piloting. You are aware that if you stand in a lighted room on such a night you cannot see things in the street to any purpose. But if you put out the lights and stand in the gloom you can make out objects in the street pretty well. So on very dark nights pilots do not smoke. They allow no fire in the pilot house stove if there is a crack which can allow the least ray to escape. They order the furnaces to be curtailed with huge tarpulins and the skylights to be closely blinded. Then no light whatever issues from the boat. The undefinable shape that now entered the pilot house had Mr. X's voice. This said, Let me take her George. I've seen this place since you have and it is so crooked that I reckon I can run it myself easier than I can tell you how to do it. It is kind of you and I swear I am willing. I haven't got another drop of perspiration left in me. I have been spinning round and round the wheel like a squirrel. It is so dark I can't tell which way she is swinging till she is coming around like a whirligig. So Ealer took a seat on the bench panting and breathless. The black phantom assumed the wheel without saying anything. Steady the waltzing steamer with a turn or two and then stood ease coaxing her a little to this side and then to that as gently and as sweetly as if the time had been noonday. When Ealer observed this marvel of steering he wished he had not confessed. He spared and wondered and finally said Well, I thought I knew how to steer a steamboat but that was another mistake of mine. X said nothing but went serenely on with his work. He rang for the leds. He rang to slow down the steam. He worked the boat carefully and neatly into invisible marks then stood at the center of the wheel and peered blandly out into the blackness fore and aft to verify his position as the leds shoaled more and more he stopped the engines entirely and the dead silence and suspense of drifting followed when the shoalest water was struck. He cracked on the steam carried her handsomely over and then began to work her warily into the next system of shoal marks. The same patient heedful use of leds and engines followed. The boat slipped through without touching bottom and entered upon the third and last intricacy of the crossing. Imperceptibly she moved through the gloom crept by inches into her marks drifted tediously till the shoalest water was cried and then under a tremendous head of steam went swinging over the reef and away into deep water and safety. Ealer let his long pent breath pour out in a great relieving sigh and said that's the sweetest piece of piloting that was ever done on the Mississippi River. I wouldn't believe it could be done if I hadn't seen it. There was no reply and he added just hold her five minutes longer partner and let me run down and get a cup coffee. A minute later Ealer was biting into a pie down in the Texas and comforting himself with coffee just then the night watchman happened in and was about to happen out again when he noticed Ealer and exclaimed who is that the wheel sir? X. Darned for the pilot house quicker than lightning. The next moment both men were flying up the pilot house companionway three steps at a jump nobody there. The great steamer was whistling down the middle of the river at her own sweet will. The watchman shot out of the place again. Ealer seized the wheel set an engine back with power and held his breath while the boat reluctantly swung away from a tow head which she was about to knock into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. By and by the watchman came back and said did not Luna to tell you he was asleep when he first came up here? No. Well he was. I found him walking along on top of the railings just as unconcerned as another man would walk a pavement and I put him to bed. Now just this minute there he was again a way astern going through that sort of tight rope deviltry the same as before. Well I think I'll stay by next time he has one of those fits but I hope he'll have them often. You just ought to have seen him take this boat through Helen acrossing I never saw anything so gaudy before and if he can do such gold leaf kid-glove diamond breast-pin piloting when he is sound asleep what couldn't he do if he was dead? End of Chapter 11 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain Chapter 12 Sounding When the river is very low and one steamboat is drawing all the water there is in the channel or a few inches more as was often the case in the old times one must be painfully circumspect in his piloting we used to have to sound a number of particularly bad places almost every trip when the river was at a very low stage Sounding is done in this way the boat ties up at the shore just above the shoal crossing the pilot not on watch takes his cub or steersman and a picked crew of men sometimes an officer also and goes out in the yaw provided the boat has not that rare and sumptuous luxury a regularly devised sounding boat and proceeds to hunt for the best water the pilot on duty watches his movements through a spyglass meantime and in some instances assisting by signals of the boat's whistle signifying try higher up or try lower down for the surface of the water like an oil painting is more expressive and intelligible when inspected from a little distance than very close at hand the whistle signals are seldom necessary however never perhaps except when the wind confuses the significant ripples upon the water's surface when the yaw has reached the shoal place the speed is slackened the pilot begins to sound the depth with a pole 10 or 12 feet long and the steersman at the tiller obeys the order to hold her up to starboard or let her fall off the larbert footnote the term larbert is never used at sea now to signify the left hand but was always used on the river in my time or steady steady as it go when the measurements indicate that the yaw is approaching the shoalest part of the reef the command is given to ease all then the men stop rowing and the yaw drifts with the current the next order is stand by with a buoy the moment the shallowest point is reached the pilot delivers the order let go of the buoy and over she goes if the pilot is not satisfied he sounds the place again if he finds better water higher up or lower down he removes the buoy to that place being finally satisfied he gives the order and all the men stand their oars straight up in the air in line a blast from the boat's whistle indicates that the signal has been sent then the men give way on their oars and lay the yaw alongside the buoy the steamer comes creeping carefully down is pointed straight at the buoy husbands her power for the coming struggle and presently at the critical moment turns on all her steam and goes grinding and wallowing over the buoy and the sand and gains the deep water beyond or maybe she doesn't maybe she strikes and swings then she has to while away several hours or days sparring herself off sometimes a buoy is not late at all but the yaw goes ahead hunting the best water and the steamer follows along in its wake often there is a deal of fun and excitement about sounding especially if it is a glorious summer day or a bustering night but in winter the cold and the peril take most of the fun out of it a buoy is nothing but a board four or five feet long with one end turned up it is a reversed schoolhouse bench with one of the supports left and the other removed it is anchored on the shoaless part of the reef by a rope with a heavy stone made fast to the end of it but for the resistance of the turned up end of the reversed bench the current would pull the buoy under water at night a paper lantern with a candle in it is fastened on the top of the buoy and this can be seen a mile or more a little glimmering spark in the waste of blackness nothing delights a cub so much as an opportunity to go out sounding there is such an air of adventure about it often there is danger it is so gaudy and man of war like to sit up in the stern sheets and steer a swift yaw there is something fine about the exultant spring of the boat when an experienced old sailor crew throw their souls into the oars it is lovely to see the white foam stream away from the boughs there is music in the rush of the water it is deliciously exhilarating in summer to go speeding over the breezy expanses of the river when the world of wavelets is dancing in the sun it is such grandeur too to the cub to get a chance to give an order for often the pilot will simply say let her go about and leave the rest to the cub who instantly cries in his sternest tone of command he starboard strong on the law bird starboard give way will it will man the cub enjoys sounding for the further reason that the eyes of the passengers are watching all the yaw's movements with absorbing interest if the time be daylight and if it be night he knows that those same wondering eyes are fastened upon the yaw's lantern as it glides out into the gloom and dims away in the remote distance one trip a pretty girl of 16 spent her time in our pilot house with her ankle and ant every day and all day long I fell in love with her so did Mr. Thornburg's cub Tom G Tom and I had been bosom friends until this time but now a coolness began to arise I told the girl a good many of my river adventures and made myself out a good deal of a hero Tom tried to make himself appear to be a hero too and succeeded to some extent but then he always had a way of embroidering however virtue is its own reward so I was a barely perceptible trifle ahead in the contest about this time something happened which promised handsomely for me the pilots decided to sound the crossing at the head of 21 this would occur about nine or 10 o'clock at night when the passengers would still be up it would be Mr. Thornburg's watch therefore my chief would have to do the sounding we had a perfect love of a sounding boat long trim graceful and as fleet as a greyhound her thwarps were cushioned she carried 12 oarsmen one of the mates was always sent in her to transmit orders to her crew for ours was a steamer where no end of style was put on we tied up at the shore above 21 and got ready it was a foul night and the river was so wide there that a landsman's uneducated eyes could discern no opposite shore through such a gloom the passengers were alert and interested everything was satisfactory as I hurried through the engine room picturesquely got nothing storm-togry I met Tom and could not prepare delivering myself of a mean speech ain't you glad you don't have to go out sounding Tom was passing on but he quickly turned and said now just for that you can go and get the sounding pole yourself I was going after it but I'd see you in Halifax now before I do it who wants you to get it I don't it's in the sounding boat the eight hour it's been new painted and it's been up on the ladies cabin guards two days drying I flew back and shortly arrived among the crowd of watching and wondering ladies just in time to hear the command give way man I looked over and there was a gallant sounding boat booming away the unprincipled Tom presiding at the tiller and my chief sitting by him with a sounding pole which I had been sent on a fool's errand to fetch then that young girl said to me oh how awful to have to go out in that little boat on such a night do you think there is any danger I would rather have been stabbed I went off full of venom to help in the pilot house by and by the boat's lantern disappeared and after an interval a wee spark glimmered upon the face of the water a mile away Mr. Thornburg blew the whistle in acknowledgement back the steamer out and made for it we flew along for a while then slackened steam and went cautiously gliding toward the spark presently Mr. Thornburg exclaimed oh the buoys lanterns out he stopped the engines a moment or two later he said why there it is again so he came ahead on the engines once more and rang for the leads gradually the water showed up and then began to deepen again Mr. Thornburg muttered well I don't understand this I believe that buoy has drifted off the reef seems to be a little too far to the left no matter it is safest to run over it anyhow so in that solid world of darkness we went creeping down on the light just as our bows were in the act of plowing over it Mr. Thornburg seized the bell ropes rang a startling peel and exclaimed my soul it's the sounding boat a sudden chorus of wild alarms burst out far below a pause and then the sound of grinding and crashing followed Mr. Thornburg exclaimed there the paddle wheel has ground the sounding boat to Lucifer matches run see who is killed I was on the main deck in the twinkling of an eye my chief and the third mate and nearly all the men were safe they had discovered their danger when it was too late to pull out of the way then when the great guards overshadowed them a moment later they were prepared and knew what to do at my chief's order they sprang at the right instant seized the guard and were hauled aboard the next moment the sounding y'all swept after the wheel and was struck and splintered to atoms two of the men and the cub Tom were missing a fact which spread like wildfire over the boat the passengers came flocking to the forward gangway ladies and all anxious eyed white faith and talked in odd voices of the dreadful thing and often again I heard them say poor fellows poor boy poor boy by this time the boat's y'all was manned in a way to search for the missing now a faint call was heard off to the left the y'all had disappeared in the other direction half the people rushed to one side to encourage the swimmer with their shouts the other half rushed the other way to shriek to the y'all to turn about by the callings the swimmer was approaching but some said the sound showed failing strength the crowd massed themselves against the boiler deck railings leaning over and staring into the gloom and every faint and fainter cry rung from them such words as ah ha poor fellow poor fellow is there no way to save him but still the cries held out and drew nearer and presently the voice said pluckily I can make it stand by with a rope what a rousing cheer they gave him the chief mate took his hand in the glare of a torch basket a coil of rope in his hand and his men grouped about him the next moment the swimmer's face appeared in the circle of light and in another one the owner of it was hauled aboard limp and drenched while cheer on cheer went up it was that devil Tom the y'all crew searched everywhere but found no sign of the two men they probably failed to catch the guard tumbled back and were struck by the wheel and killed Tom had never jumped for the guard at all but had plunged headfirst into the river and dived under the wheel it was nothing I could have done it easy enough and I said so but everybody went on just the same making a wonderful to-do over that ass as if he had done something great that girl couldn't seem to have enough with that pitiful hero the rest of the trip but little I cared I loathed her anyway the way we came to mistake the sounding boat's lantern for the buoy's light was this my chief said that after laying the buoy he fell away and watched it till it seemed to be secure then he took up a position a hundred yards below it and a little to one side of the steamer's course headed the sounding boat upstream and waited having to wait sometime he and the officer got to talking he looked up when he judged that the steamer was about on the reef saw that the buoy was gone and supposed that the steamer had already run over it he went on with his talk he noticed that the steamer was getting very close on him but that was the correct thing it was her business to shave him closely for convenience and taking him aboard he was expecting her to shear off until the last moment then it flashed upon him that she was trying to run him down mistaking his lantern for the buoy light so he sang out stand by to spring for the guard men on the next instant the jump was made End of Chapter 12 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain Chapter 13 A Pilot's Needs But I am wondering from what I was intending to do that his make planer than perhaps appears in the previous chapters some of the peculiar requirements of the science of piloting first of all there is one faculty which a pilot must incessantly cultivate until he has brought it to absolute perfection nothing short of perfection will do that faculty is memory he cannot stop with merely thinking a thing is so and so he must know it for this is eminently one of the exact sciences with what scorn a pilot was looked upon in the old times if he ever ventured to deal in that feeble phrase I think instead of the vigorous one I know one cannot easily realize what a tremendous thing it is to know every trivial detail of 1200 miles of river and know it with absolute exactness if you will take the longest street in New York and travel up and down it conning its features patiently until you know every house and window and door and lamp post and big and little sign by heart and know them so accurately that you can instantly name the one you are abreast of when you are set down at random in that street in the middle of an inky black night you will then have a tolerable notion of the amount and the exactness of a pilot's knowledge who carries the Mississippi River in his head and then if you will go on until you know every street crossing the character size and position of the crossing stones and the varying depth of mud in each of those numberless places you will have some idea of what the pilot must know in order to keep a Mississippi steamer out of trouble next if you will take half of the signs in that long street and change their places once a month and still manage to know their new positions accurately on dark nights and keep up with these repeated changes without making any mistakes you will understand what is required of a pilot's peerless memory of the fickle Mississippi I think a pilot's memory is about the most wonderful thing in the world to know the old and new testaments by heart and be able to recite them glibly forward or backward or begin at random anywhere in the book and recite both ways and never trip or make a mistake is no extravagant mass of knowledge and no marvelous facility compared to a pilot's massed knowledge of the Mississippi and his marvelous facility in the handling of it I make this comparison deliberately and believe I am not expanding the truth when I do it many will think my figure too strong but pilots will not and how easily and comfortably the pilot's memory does its work how placidly effortless is its way how unconsciously it lays up its vast stores hour by hour day by day and never loses or mislays single valuable package of them all take an instance let a lexman cry half twain half twain half twain half twain half twain until it become as monotonous as the ticking of a clock let conversation be going on all the time and the pilot be doing his share of the talking and no longer consciously listening to the lexman and in the midst of this endless string of half twains let a single quarter twain be interjected without emphasis and then the half twain cry go on again just as before two or three weeks later that pilot can describe with precision the boats position in the river when that quarter twain was uttered and give you such a lot of headmarks stern marks and side marks to guide you that you want to be able to take the boat there and put her in that same spot again yourself the cry of quarter twain did not really take his mind from his talk but his trained faculties instantly photograph the bearings noted the change of depth and laid up the important details for future reference without requiring any assistance from him in the matter if you were walking and talking with a friend and another friend at your side kept up a monotonous repetition of the vowel sound A for a couple of blocks and then in the midst interjected an R thus a a a a a a R a a a etc and gave the R no emphasis you would not be able to state two or three weeks afterward that the R had been put in nor be able to tell what objects you were passing at the moment it was done but you could if your memory had been patiently and laboriously trained to do that sort of thing mechanically give a man a tolerably fair memory to start with and piloting will develop it into a very colossus of capability but only in the matters it is daily drilled in a time would come when the man's faculties could not help noticing landmarks and soundings and his memory could not help holding onto them with a grip of advice but if you ask that same man at noon what he had had for breakfast it would be 10 chances to one that he could not tell you astonishing things can be done with a human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business at the time that wages soared so high on the Missouri river my chief Mr. Bixby went up there and learned more than a thousand miles of that stream with an ease and rapidity that were astonishing when he had seen each division once in the daytime and once at night his education was so nearly complete that he took out a daylight license a few trips later he took out a full license and went to piloting day and night and he ranked A1 too Mr. Bixby placed me as a steersman for a while under a pilot whose feats of memory were a constant marvel to me however his memory was born in him I think not built for instance somebody would mention a name instantly Mr. Brown would break in oh I knew him Salo Faced red-headed fellow with a little scar on the side of his throat like a splinter under the flesh he was only in the southern trade six months that was 13 years ago I made a trip with him there was five feet in the upper river then the Henry Blake grounded at the foot of Tower Island drawing four and a half the George Elliot unshipped her rudder on the wreck of the sunflower why the sunflower didn't sink till I know when she sunk it was three years before that on the 2nd of December Asa Hardy was captain of her and his brother John was first clerk and it was his first trip in her too Tom Jones told me these things a week after in New Orleans he was first made of the sunflower Captain Hardy stuck a nail in his foot the 6th of July the next year and died of a lockjaw on the 15th his brother died two years after 3rd of March Erythipolis I never saw either of the Hardys they were Allegheny River men but people who knew them told me all these things and they said Captain Hardy wore urine socks winter and summer just the same and his first wife's name was Jane Shook she was from New England and his second one died in a lunatic asylum it was in the blood she was from Lexington, Kentucky name was Horton before she was married and so on by the hour the man's tongue would go he could not forget anything it was simply impossible the most trivial details remained as distinct and luminous in his head after they had lain there for years as the most memorable events his was not simply a pilot's memory his grasp was universal if he were talking about a trifling letter he had received seven years before he was pretty sure to deliver you the entire screed from memory and then without observing that he was departing from the true line of his talk he was more than likely to hurl in a long-drawn parenthetical biography of the writer of that letter and you were lucky indeed if you did not take up that writer's relatives one by one and give you their biographies too such a memory as that is a great misfortune to it all occurrences are of the same size its possessor cannot distinguish an interesting circumstance from an uninteresting one as a talker he is bound to clog his narrative with tiresome details and make himself an insufferable bore or over he cannot stick to his subject he picks up every little grain of memory he discerns in his way and so is led aside Mr. Brown would start out with the honest intention of telling you a vastly funny anecdote about a dog he would be so full of laugh that he could hardly begin then his memory would start with the dog's breed and personal appearance drift into the history of his owner of his owner's family with descriptions of weddings and burials that had occurred in it together with recitals of congratulatory verses and obituary poetry provoked by the same then this memory would recollect that one of these events occurred during the celebrated hard winter of such and such a year and a minute description of that winter would follow along with the names of people who were frozen to death and statistics showing the high figures which pork and hay went up to pork and hay would suggest corn and fodder corn and fodder would suggest cows and horses cows and horses would suggest the circus and certain celebrated bareback riders the transition from the circus to the menagerie was easy and natural from the elephant to equatorial Africa was better step then of course the heathen savages would suggest religion and at the end of three or four hours tedious jaw the watch would change and brown would go out of the pilot house buttering extracts from sermons he had heard years before about the efficacy of prayer as a means of grace and the original first mention would be all you had learned about that dog after all this waiting and hungering a pilot must have a memory but there are two higher qualities which he must also have he must have good and quick judgment and decision and a cool calm courage that no peril can shake give a man the merest trifle of pluck to start with and by the time he has become a pilot he cannot be unmanned by any dangerous steamboat can get into but one cannot quite say the same for judgment judgment is a matter of brains and a man must start with a good stock of that article or he will never succeed as a pilot the growth of courage in the pilot house is steady all the time but it does not reach a high and satisfactory condition until sometime after the young pilot has been standing his own watch alone and under the staggering weight of all the responsibilities connected with the position when an apprentice has become pretty thoroughly acquainted with the river he goes clattering along so fearlessly with his steamboat night or day that he presently begins to imagine that it is his courage that animates him but the first time the pilot steps out and leaves him to his own devices he finds out it was the other man's he discovers that the article has been left out of his own cargo all together the whole river is bristling with exigencies in a moment he is not prepared for them he does not know how to meet them all his knowledge forsakes him and within 15 minutes he is as white as a sheet and scared almost to death therefore pilots wisely train these cubs by various strategic tricks to look danger in the face a little more calmly a favorite way of theirs is to play a friendly swindle upon the candidate Mr. Bixby served me in this fashion once and for years afterward I used to blush even in my sleep when I thought of it I had become a good steersman so good indeed that I had all the work to do on our watch night and day Mr. Bixby seldom made a suggestion to me all he ever did was to take the wheel on particularly bad nights or in particularly bad crossings land the boat when the she needed to be landed play gentlemen of leisure nine tenths of the watch and collect the wages the lower river was about bank full and if anybody had questioned my ability to run any crossing between Cairo and New Orleans without help or instruction I should have felt irreparably hurt the idea of being afraid of any crossing in the lot in the daytime was a thing too preposterous for contemplation well one matchless summer day I was bowling down the bend above Island 66 brimful of self-conceit and carrying my nose as high as a giraffe's Mr. Bixby said I'm going below a while I suppose you know the next crossing this was almost an affront it was about the plainest and simplest crossing in the whole river one couldn't come to any harm whether he ran it right or not and as for depth there never had been any bottom there I knew all this perfectly well know how to run it why I can run it with my eyes shut how much water is there in it well that is an odd question I couldn't get bottomed there with a church steeple you think so do you the very tone of the question shook my confidence that was what Mr. Bixby was expecting he laughed without saying anything more I began to imagine all sorts of things Mr. Bixby unknown to me of course sent somebody down to the folksal with some mysterious instructions to the ledgemen another messenger was sent to whisper among the officers and then Mr. Bixby went into hiding behind a smokestack where he could observe results presently the captain stepped out on the hurricane deck next the chief mate appeared then a clerk every moment or two a straggler was added to my audience and before I got to the head of the island I had 15 or 20 people assembled down there under my nose and again to wonder what the trouble was as I started across the captain glanced aloft at me and said with a sham uneasiness in his voice where is Mr. Bixby gone below sir but that did the business for me my imagination began to construct dangers out of nothing and they multiplied faster than I could keep the run of them all at once I imagined I saw shoal water ahead the wave of powered agony that surged through me then came near dislocating every joint in me all my confidence in that crossing vanished I seized the bell rope dropped it ashamed seized it again dropped it once more clutched it tremblingly once again and pulled it so feebly that I could hardly hear the stroke myself captain and mate sang out instantly and both together starboard led there I'm quick about it this was another shock I began to climb the wheel like a squirrel but I would hardly get the boat started to port before I would see new dangers on that side in a way I would spin to the other only to find perils accumulating to starboard and be crazy to get the port again then came the ladsman sepulcher cry deep four deep four in a bottomless crossing the terror of it took my breath away mark three mark three quarter less three half twain this was painful I used the bell ropes and stopped the engines quarter twain quarter twain mark twain I was helpless I did not know what in the world to do I was quaking from head to foot and I could have hung my hat on my eyes they stuck out so far quarter less twain nine and a half we were drawing nine my hands were in a nervous flutter I could not ring a bell intelligibly with them I flew to the speaking tube and shouted to the engineer oh Ben if you love me back her quick Ben oh back the immortal soul out of her I heard the door close gently I looked around there stood mr. Bixby smiling a bland sweet smile then the audience on the hurricane deck sent up a thunder gust of humiliating laughter I saw it all now and I felt meaner than the meanest man in human history I laid in the lead set the boat in her marks came ahead on the engines and said it was a fine trick to play on an orphan wasn't it I suppose I'll never hear the last of how I was ass enough to heave the lead the head of 66 well no you won't maybe in fact I hope you won't before I want you to learn something by that experience didn't you know there was no bottom in that crossing yes sir I did very well and you shouldn't have followed me or anybody else to shake your confidence in that knowledge try to remember that and another thing when you get into a dangerous place don't turn coward it isn't going to help matters it was a good enough lesson that pretty hardly learned yet about the hardest part of it was that for months I so often had to hear a phrase which I had conceived a particular distaste for it was oh Ben if you love me back her end of chapter 13 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 14 rank and dignity of piloting in my preceding chapters I have tried by going into the minutiae of the science of piloting to carry the reader step by step to a comprehension of what the science consists of and at the same time I have tried to show him that it is a very curious and wonderful science too and very worthy of his attention if I have seemed to love my subject it is no surprising thing for I have loved the profession far better than any I have followed since and I took a measureless pride in it the reason is plain a pilot in those days was the only unfettered and entirely independent human being that lived in the earth kings are but the hampered servants of parliament and people parliaments sit in chains forged by their constituency the editor of a newspaper cannot be independent but must work with one hand tied behind him by party and patrons and be content to utter only half or two-thirds of his mind no clergyman is a free man and may speak the whole truth regardless of his parish's opinions writers of all kinds are manacled servants of the public we write frankly and fearlessly but then we modify before we print in truth every man and woman and child has a master and worries and threats in servitude but in the day I write of the Mississippi pilot had none the captain could stand upon the hurricane deck in the pump of a very brief authority and give him five or six orders while the vessel backed into the stream and then that skipper's rain was over the moment that the boat was underway in the river she was under the sole and unquestioned control of the pilot he could do with her exactly as he pleased run her when and with her he chose and tie her up to the bank whenever his judgment said that that course was best his movements were entirely free he consulted no one he received commands from nobody he promptly resented even the nearest suggestions indeed the law of the united states forbade him to listen to commands or suggestions rightly considering that the pilot necessarily knew better how to handle the boat than anybody could tell him so here was the novelty of a king without a keeper an absolute monarch who was absolute in sober truth and not by a fiction of words I have seen a boy of eighteen taking a great steamer serenely into what seemed almost certain destruction and the aged captain standing mutely by filled with apprehension but powerless to interfere his interference in that particular instance might have been an excellent thing but to permit it would have been to establish a most pernicious precedent it will easily be guessed considering the pilots boundless authority that he was a great personage in the old steamboating days he was treated with marked courtesy by the captain and with marked deference by all the officers and servants and this deferential spirit was quickly communicated to the passengers too I think pilots were about the only people I ever knew who failed to show in some degree embarrassment in the presence of traveling foreign princes but then people in one's own grade of life are not usually embarrassing objects by long habit pilots came to put all their wishes in the form of commands it gravels me to this day to put my will in the weak shape of a request instead of launching it in the crisp language of an order in those old days to load a steamboat at St. Louis take her to norlands and back and discharge cargo consumed about twenty five days on an average seven or eight of these days the boat spent at the wharves of St. Louis and New Orleans and every soul on board was hard at work except the two pilots they did nothing but play gentlemen uptown and receive the same wages for it as if they had been on duty the moment the boat touched the wharf at either city they were ashore and they were not likely to be seen again till the last bell was ringing and everything in readiness for another voyage when a captain got hold of the pilot of particularly high reputation he took pains to keep him when wages were four hundred dollars a month on the upper Mississippi I have known a captain to keep such a pilot in idleness under three months at a time while the river was frozen up and one must remember that in those cheap times four hundred dollars was a salary of almost inconceivable splendor few men on shore got such pay as that and when they did they were mightily looked up to when pilots from either end of the river wandered into our small Missouri village they were sought by the best and the fairest and treated with exalted respect lying in port under wages was a thing which many pilots greatly enjoyed and appreciated especially if they belonged in the Missouri river in the heyday of that trade fans' times and got nine hundred dollars a trip which was equivalent to about eighteen hundred dollars a month here is a conversation of that day a chap out of the Illinois river with a little stern wheel tub across a couple of ornate and gilded Missouri river pilots gentlemen I've got a pretty good trip for the upcountry and shall want you about a month how much will it be eighteen hundred dollars a piece heavens and earth you take my boat let me have your wages and I'll divide I will remark in passing that Mississippi steamboat men were important in landsmen's eyes and in their own two in a degree according to the dignity of the boat they were on for instance it was a proud thing to be of the crew of such stately craft as the Alec Scott or the Grand Turk Negro firemen deckhands and barbers belonging to those boats were distinguished personages in their grade of life and they were well aware of that fact the stalwart darky once gave offense at a Negro ball in New Orleans by putting on a good many heirs finally one of the managers bustled up to him and said who is you anyway who is you that's what I want to know the offender was not disconcerted in the least but swelled himself up and threw that into his voice which showed that he knew he was not putting on all those heirs on a stinted capital who is I who is I I let you know might quick who I is I want you niggas to understand I fires to middle dough footnote door on Alex Scott that was sufficient the barber of the Grand Turk was a spruce young Negro who aired his importance with balmy complacency and was greatly courted by the circle in which he moved the young colored population of New Orleans were much given to flirting at twilight on the banquets of the back streets somebody saw and heard something like the following one evening in one of those localities a middle aged Negro woman projected her head through a broken pain and shouted very willing that the neighbors should hear an envy you man come in the house this minute standing out there fooling along with that low trash and here's the barber off and the Grand Turk wants to converse with you my reference a moment ago to the fact that a pilot's peculiar official position placed him out of reach of criticism or command brings Steven W naturally to my mind he was a gifted pilot a good fellow a tireless talker and had both wit and humor in him he had a most irreverent independence to and was deliciously easygoing and comfortable in the presence of age official dignity and even the most august wealth he always had work he never saved a penny he was the most persuasive borrower he was in debt to every pilot on the river and to the majority of the captains he could throw a sort of splendor around a bit of haram skirm devil may care piloting that made it almost fascinating but not to everybody he made a trip with good old captain why once and was relieved from duty when the boat got in warlands somebody expressed surprise at the discharge captain why shuttered at the mere mention of Steven then his poor thin old voice piped out something like this why bless me I wouldn't have such a wild creature on my boat for the world not for the whole world he swears he sings he whistles he yells I never saw such ninja to yell all time for the night it never made any difference to him he would just yell that way not for anything in particular but merely on account of a kind of devilish comfort he got out of it I never could get into a sound sleep but he would fetch me out of bed all in a cold sweat with one of those dreadful war wolves a queer being very queer being no respect for anything or anybody sometimes he called me Johnny and he kept a fiddle in a cat he played execrably this seemed to distress the cat and so the cat would howl nobody could sleep where that man and his family was and reckless there never was anything like it now you may believe it or not but as sure as I am sitting here he brought my boat a tilting down through with those awful snags that she caught under a rattling's head of steam and the wind blowing like the very nation at that my officers will tell you so they saw it and sir while he was a terror and wiped down through those snags and then I was shaking in my shoes and praying I wish I may never speak again if he didn't pluck her up his mouth and go look to whistling you'll say whistling buffalo gals can't you come out tonight can't you come out tonight can't you come out tonight I'm doing it as calmly as if we were attending a funeral and weren't related to the corpse and when I remonstrated with him about it while he smiled down on me as if I was his child and told me to run in the house and try to be good and not be meddling with my superiors once a pretty mean captain caught Stephen in New Orleans out of work and as usual out of money he laid steady siege to Stephen who was in the very close place and finally persuaded him to hire with him at one hundred and twenty-five dollars a month just half wages the captain agreeing not to divulge the secret and so bring down the contempt of all the guilt upon the poor fellow but the boat was not more than a day out in New Orleans before Stephen discovered that the captain was boasting of his exploit and that all the officers have been told Stephen winced but said nothing about the middle of the afternoon the captain stepped out on the hurricane deck cast his eye around and looked a good deal surprised he glanced inquiringly lost at Stephen but Stephen was whistling placidly and attending to business the captain stood around a while and evident discomfort and once or twice seemed about to make a suggestion but the advocate of the river taught him to avoid that sort of rashness and so he managed to hold his peace he chased and puzzled a few minutes longer then retired to his apartments but soon he was out again and apparently more perplexed than ever presently he ventured to remark with deference pretty good stage of the river now ain't it sir well I should say so bank full is a pretty liberal stage seems to be a good deal of current here good deal don't describe it it's worse than a mill race isn't it easier in towards shore than it is out here in the middle yes I reckon it is but the body can't be too careful with a steamboat it's pretty safe out here that strike any bottom here you can depend on that the captain departed looking ruthless enough at this rate he would probably die of old age before his boat got to faint louis next day he appeared on deck and again found steven faithfully standing up the middle of the river fighting the whole vast force of the Mississippi and whistling the same placid tune this thing was becoming serious in by the shore was a slower boat clipping along in the easy water and gaining steadily she began to make for an island chute steven stuck to the middle of the river speech was rung from the captain he said mr. w don't that chute cut off a good deal at distance well I think it does but I don't know don't know well isn't there water enough in it now to go through I expect there is but I am not certain upon my word this is odd why those pilots on that boat yonder are going to drive do you mean to say that you don't know as much as they do they why they are two hundred and fifty dollar pilots but don't you be uneasy I know as much as any man can afford to know for a hundred and twenty five the captain surrendered five minutes later steven was bowling through the chute and selling the rival bought a two hundred and fifty dollar pair of heels end of chapter fourteen this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox dot org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter fifteen the pilots monopoly one day on board the alex scott my chief mr. bixby was crawling carefully through a close place at cat island both leads going and everybody holding his breath the captain a nervous apprehensive man kept still as long as he could but finally broke down and shouted from the hurricane deck for gracious sake give her steam mr. bixby give her steam she'll never raise the reef on this headway for all the effect that was produced upon mr. bixby one would have supposed that no remark had been made but five minutes later when the danger was passed and the leads laid in he burst instantly into a consuming fury and gave the captain the most admirable person i ever listened to no bloodshed ensued but that was because the captain's cause was weak for ordinarily he was not a man to take correction quietly having it now set forth in detail the nature of the science of piloting and likewise described the rank which the pilot held among the fraternity of steamboat men this seems a fitting place to say a few words about an organization which the pilots once formed for the protection of their guild it was curious and noteworthy in this that it was perhaps the compactest the completest and the strongest commercial organization ever formed among men for a long time wages had been two hundred and fifty dollars a month but curiously enough as steamboats multiplied and business increased the wages began to fall little by little it was easy to discover the reason of this too many pilots were being made it was nice to have a cub a steersman to do all the hard work for a couple of years gratis while his master sat on a high bench and smoked all pilots and captains had sons or nephews who wanted to be pilots by and by it came to pass that nearly every pilot on the river had a steersman when a steersman had made an amount of progress that was satisfactory to any two pilots in the trade they could get a pilot's license for him by signing an application directed to the United States inspector nothing further was needed usually no questions were asked no proofs of capacity required very well this growing swarm of new pilots presently began to undermine the wages in order to get births too late apparently the knights of the tiller perceived their mistake plainly something had to be done and quickly but what was to be the needful thing a close organization nothing else would answer to compass this seemed an impossibility so it was talked and talked and then dropped it was too likely to ruin whoever ventured to move in the matter but at last about a dozen of the boldest and some of them the best pilots on the river launched themselves into the enterprise and took all the chances they got a special charter from the legislature with large powers under the name of the pilots benevolent association elected their officers completed their organization contributed capital put association wages up to two hundred and fifty dollars at once and then retired to their homes for they were promptly discharged from employment but there were two or three unnoticed trifles in their bylaws which had the seeds of propagation in them for instance all idle members of the association in good standing were entitled to a pension of twenty five dollars per month this began to bring in one straggler after another from the ranks of the new fledged pilots in the dull summer season better have twenty five dollars than starve initiation fee was only twelve dollars and no dues required from the unemployed also the widows of deceased members in good standing could draw twenty five dollars per month and a certain sum for each of their children also the said deceased would be buried at the association's expense these things resurrected all the superannuated and forgotten pilots in the mississippi valley they came from farms they came from interior villages they came from everywhere they came on crutches on drays in ambulances anyway so they got there they paid in their twelve dollars and straight away began to draw out twenty five dollars a month and calculate their burial bills by and by all the useless helpless pilots and a dozen first class ones were in the association and nine tenths of the best pilots out of it and laughing at it it was the laughing stock of the whole river everybody joked about the bylaw requiring members to pay ten percent of their wages every month into the treasury for the support of the association whereas all the members were outcast and tabooed and no one would employ them everybody was derisively grateful to the association for taking all the worthless pilots out of the way and leaving the whole field to the excellent and the deserving and everybody was not only jocularly grateful for that but for a result which naturally followed namely the gradual advance of wages as the busy season approached wages had gone up from the low figure of one hundred dollars a month to one hundred and twenty five and in some cases to one hundred and fifty and it was great fun to enlarge upon the fact that this charming thing had been accomplished by a body of men not one of whom received a particle of benefit from it some of the jokers used to call at the association rooms and have a good time chafing the members and offering them the charity of taking them as steersmen for a trip so that they could see what the forgotten river looked like however the association was content or at least it gave no sign to the contrary now and then it captured a pilot who was out of luck and added him to its list and these later additions were very valuable for they were good pilots the incompetent ones had all been absorbed before as business freshened wages climbed gradually up to two hundred and fifty dollars the association figure and became firmly fixed there and still without benefiting a member of that body for no member was hired the hilarity at the association's expense burst all bounds now there was no end to the fun which that poor martyr had to put up with however it is a long lane that has no turning winter approached business doubled and troubled and an avalanche of Missouri Illinois and upper Mississippi riverboats came pouring down to take a chance in the New Orleans trade all of a sudden pilots were in great demand and were correspondingly scarce the time for revenge was come it was a bitter pill to have to accept association pilots at last yet captains and owners agreed that there was no other way but none of these outcasts offered so there was a still bitter pill to be swallowed they must be sought out and asked for their services captain blank was the first man who found it necessary to take the dose and he had been the loudest derider of the organization he hunted up one of the best of the association pilots and said well you boys have rather got the best of us for a little while so I'll give in with as good a grace as I can I've come to hire you get your trunk aboard right away I want to leave at 12 o'clock I don't know about that now who is your other pilot I've got is why I can't go with him he don't belong to the association what it's so you mean to tell me that you won't turn a wheel was one of the very best and oldest pilots on the river because he don't belong to your association yes I do well if this isn't putting on airs I suppose I was doing you a benevolence but I begin to think that I am the party that wants a favor done are you acting under a law of the concern yes show it to me so they stepped into the association rooms and the secretary soon satisfied the captain who said well what am I to do I have hired Mr. S for the entire season I will provide for you said the secretary I will detail a pilot to go with you and he shall be on board at 12 o'clock but if I discharge S he will come on me for the whole season's wages of course that is a matter between you and Mr. S captain we cannot meddle in your private affairs the captain stormed but to no purpose in the end he had to discharge S pay him about a thousand dollars and take an association pilot in his place the laugh was beginning to turn the other way now every day thanks forward a new victim fell every day some outraged captain discharged a non-association pet with tears and profanity and installed a hated association man in his birth in a very little while idle non-associationists began to be pretty plenty brisk as business was and much as their services were desired the laugh was shifting to the other side of their mouths most palpably these victims together with the captains and owners presently ceased to laugh all together and began to rage about the revenge they would take when the passing business spurt was over soon all the laughers that were left were the owners and the crews of boats that had two non-association pilots but their triumph was not very long lived for this reason it was a rigid rule of the association that its members should never under any circumstances whatever give information about the channel to any outsider by this time about half the boats had none but association pilots and the other half had none but outsiders at the first glance one would suppose that when it came to forbidding information about the river these two parties could play equally at that game but this was not so at every good-sized town from one end of the river to the other there was a wharf boat to land at instead of a wharf or a pier freight was stored in it for transportation waiting passengers slept in its cabins upon each of these wharf boats the association's officers placed a strong box fastened with a peculiar lock which was used in no other service but one the United States mail service it was the letter bag lock a sacred governmental thing by dint of much beseeching the government had been persuaded to allow the association to use this lock every association man carried a key which would open these boxes that key or rather a peculiar way of holding it in the hand when its owner was asked for river information by a stranger for the success of the St. Louis and Norland's association had now bred tolerably thriving branches in a dozen neighboring steamboat trades was the association man's sign and diploma of membership and if the stranger did not respond by producing a similar key and holding it in a certain manner duly prescribed his question was politely ignored from the association secretary each member received a package of more or less gorgeous blanks printed like a billhead on handsome paper properly ruled in columns a billhead worded something like this steamer great republic john smith's master pilots john jones and thomas brown crossings soundings marks remarks these blanks were filled up day by day as the voyage progressed and deposited in the several wharf boat boxes for instance as soon as the first crossing out from st louis was completed the items would be entered upon the blank under the appropriate headings thus st louis nine and a half feet stern on courthouse head on dead cottonwood above woodyard until you raise the first reef then pull up square then under head of remarks go just outside the wrecks this is important new snag just where you straighten down go above it the pilot who deposited that blank in the caro box after adding to it the details of every crossing all the way down from st louis took out and read half a dozen fresh reports from upward bound steamers concerning the river between caro and mevis posted himself thoroughly returned them to the box and went back aboard his boat again so armed against accident that he could not possibly get his boat into trouble without bringing the most ingenious carelessness to his aid imagine the benefits of so admirable a system in a piece of river twelve or thirteen hundred miles long whose channel was shifting every day the pilot who had formerly been obliged to put up with seeing a show place once or possibly twice a month had a hundred sharp eyes to watch it for him now and bushels of intelligent brains to tell him how to run it his information about it was seldom twenty four hours old if the reports in the last box chance to leave any misgivings on his mind concerning a treacherous crossing he had his remedy he blew his steam whistle in a peculiar way as soon as he saw a boat approaching the signal was answered in a peculiar way if that boat's pilots were association men and then the two steamers ranged alongside and all uncertainties were swept away by fresh information furnished to the inquirer by word of mouth and in minute detail the first thing a pilot did when he reached New Orleans or st louis was to take his final and elaborate report to the association parlors and hang it up there after which he was free to visit his family in these parlors a crowd was always gathered together discussing changes in the channel and the moment there was a fresh arrival everybody stopped talking till this witness had told the newest news and settled the latest uncertainty other craftsmen can sink the shop sometimes and interest themselves in other matters not so with a pilot he must devote himself wholly to his profession and talk of nothing else for it would be small game to be perfect one day and imperfect the next he has no time or words to waste if he would keep posted but the outsiders had a hard time of it no particular place to meet and exchange information no wharf boat reports none but chance and unsatisfactory ways of getting news the consequence was that a man sometimes had to run 500 miles of river on information that was a week or 10 days old at a fair stage of the river that might have answered but when the dead low water came it was destructive now came another perfectly logical result the outsiders began to ground steamboats sink them and get into all sorts of trouble whereas accidents seem to keep entirely away from the association men where for even the owners and captains of boats furnished exclusively with outsiders and previously considered to be wholly independent of the association and free to comfort themselves with brag and laughter began to feel pretty uncomfortable still they made a show of keeping up the brag until one black day when every captain of the lot was formally ordered to immediately discharge his outsiders and take association pilots in their stead and who was it that had the dashing presumption to do that alas it came from a power behind the throne that was greater than the throne itself it was the underwriters it was no time to swap knives every outsider had to take his trunk ashore at once of course it was supposed that there was collusion between the association and the underwriters but this was not so the latter had come to comprehend the excellence of the report system of the association and the safety it secured and so they had made their decision among themselves and upon plain business principles there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth in the camp of the outsiders now but no matter there was just but one course for them to pursue and they perfuded they came forward in couples and groups and proffered their twelve dollars and asked for membership they were surprised to learn that several new bylaws had been long ago added for instance the initiation fee had been raised to fifty dollars that some must be tendered and also ten percent of the wages which the applicant had received each and every month since the founding of the association in many cases this amounted to three or four hundred dollars still the association would not entertain the application until the money was present even then a single adverse vote killed the application every member had to vote yes or no in person and before witnesses so it took weeks to decide a candidacy because many pilots were so long absent on voyages however the repentant sinners scraped their savings together and one by one by our tedious voting process they were added to the fold a time came at last when only about ten remained outside they said they would starve before they would apply they remained idle a long time because of course nobody could venture to employ them buying by the association published the fact that upon a certain date the wages would be raised to five hundred dollars per month all the branch associations had grown strong now and the red river one had advanced wages to seven hundred dollars a month reluctantly the ten outsiders yielded in view of these things and made application there was another new bylaw by this time which required them to pay dues not only on all the wages they had received since the association was born but also on what they would have received if they had continued at work up to the time of their application instead of going off to pouting idleness turned out to be a difficult matter to elect them but it was accomplished at last the most virulent sinner of this batch had stayed out and allowed these to accumulate against him so long that he had to send in six hundred and twenty five dollars with his application the association had a good bank account now and was very strong there was no longer an outsider a bylaw was added forbidding the reception of any more cubs or apprentices for five years after which time a limited number would be taken not by individuals but by the association upon these terms the applicant must not be less than eighteen years old and a respectable family and good character he must pass an examination as to education pay a thousand dollars in advance for the privilege of becoming an apprentice and must remain under the commands of the association until a great part of the membership more than half I think should be willing to sign his application for a pilot's license all previously article apprentices were now taken away from their masters and adapted by the association the president and secretary detailed them for service on one boat or another as they chose and changed them from boat to boat according to certain rules if a pilot could show that he was in infirm health and needed assistance one of the cubs would be ordered to go with him the widow and orphan list grew but so did the association's financial resources the association attended its own funerals in state and paid for them when occasion demanded it sent members down the river upon searches for the bodies of brethren lost by steamboat accidents a search of this kind sometimes cost a thousand dollars the association procured a charter and went into the insurance business also it not only insured the lives of its members but took risks on steamboats the organization seemed indestructible it was the tightest monopoly in the world by the united states law no man could become a pilot unless two duly licensed pilots find his application and now there was nobody outside of the association competent to sign consequently the making of pilots was at an end every year some would die and others would become incapacitated by age and infirmity there would be no new ones to take their places in time the association could put wages up to any figure it shows and as long as it should be wise enough not to carry the thing too far and provoke the national government into amending the licensing system steamboat owners would have to submit since there would be no help for it the owners and captains were the only obstruction that lay between the association and absolute power and at last this one was removed incredible as it may seem the owners and captains deliberately did it themselves when the pilots association announced months beforehand that on the first day of september 1861 wages would be advanced to five hundred dollars per month the owners and captains instantly put freight's up a few cents and explained to the farmers along the river the necessity of it by calling their attention to the burdensome rate of wages about to be established it was a rather slender argument but the farmers did not seem to detect it it looked reasonable to them that to add five cents freight on a bushel of corn was justifiable under the circumstances overlooking the fact that this advance on a cargo of forty thousand sacks was a good deal more than necessary to cover the new wages so straight away the captains and owners got up an association of their own and proposed to put captains wages up to five hundred dollars too and move for another advance in freight's it was a novel idea but of course an effect which had been produced once could be produced again the new association decreed for this was before all the outsiders had been taken into the pilots association that if any captain employed a non association pilot he should be forced to discharge him and also pay a fine of five hundred dollars several of these heavy fines were paid before the captain's organization grew strong enough to exercise full authority over its membership but that all ceased presently the captains tried to get the pilots to decree that no member of their corporation should serve under a non association captain but this proposition was declined the pilots saw that they would be backed up by the captains and the underwriters anyhow and so they wisely refrained from entering into entangling alliances as i have remarked the pilots association was now the compactest monopoly in the world perhaps and seemed simply indestructible and yet the days of its glory were numbered first the new railroad stretching up through mississippi tennessee and kentucky to northern railway centers began to divert the passenger travel from the steamers next the war came and almost entirely annihilated the steamboating industry during several years leaving most of the pilots idle and the cost of living advancing all the time then the treasurer of the saint louis association put his hand into the till and walked off with every dollar of the ample fund and finally the railroads intruding everywhere there was little for steamers to do when the war was over but carry freights so straightway some genius from the atlantic coast introduced the plan of towing a dozen steamer cargoes down to norlands at the tail of a vulgar little tugboat and behold in the twinkling of an eye as it were the association and the noble science of piloting were things of the dead and pathetic past end of chapter 15 this is a labor vox recording all labor vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit labor vox dot org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 16 racing days it was always the custom for the boats to leave norlands between four and five o'clock in the afternoon from three o'clock onward they would be burning rosin and pitch pine the sign of preparation and so one had the picturesque spectacle of a rank some two or three miles long of tall ascending columns of coal black smoke a colonnade which supported a sable roof of the same smoke blended together and spreading abroad over the city every outboard bound boat had its flag flying at the jack staff and sometimes a duplicate on the verge staff astern two or three miles of mates were commanding and swearing with more than usual emphasis countless processions of freight barrels and boxes were spinning a swap the levy and flying aboard the stage planks elated passengers were dodging and skipping among these frantic things hoping to reach the folksal companion way alive but having their doubts about it women with reticules and band boxes were trying to keep up with husbands freighted with carpet sacks and crying babies and making a failure of it by losing their heads in the whirl and roar and general distraction draves and baggage vans were clattering hither and thither in a wild hurry every now and then getting blocked and jammed together and then during ten seconds one could not see them for the profanity except vaguely and dimly every windlass connected with every four hatch from one end of that long array of steamboats to the other was keeping up a deafening whiz and were lowering freight into the hold and the half naked crews of perspiring negroes that worked them were roaring such songs as the last sack the last inspired to unimaginable exaltation by the chaos of turmoil and racket that was driving everybody else mad by this time the hurricane and boiler decks of the steamers would be packed and black with passengers the last bells would begin to clang all down the line and then the pow wow seemed to double in a moment or two the final warning came a simultaneous din of chinese gongs with a cry all it ain't going please to get sure and behold the pow wow quadrupled people came swarming ashore overturning excited stragglers that were trying to swarm aboard one more moment later a long array of stage planks was being hauled in each with its customary latest passenger clinging to the end of it with teeth nails and everything else and the customary latest procrastinator making a wild spring shoreward over his head now a number of the boats slide backward into the stream leaving wide gaps in the serried rank of steamers citizens crowd the decks of boats that are not to go in order to see the site steamer after steamer straightens herself up gathers all her strength and presently comes swinging by under a tremendous head of steam with flag flying black smoke rolling and her entire crew of firemen and deckhands usually swarthing negroes massed together on the folksal the best voice in the lot towering from the myths being mounted on the capstan waving his hat or a flag and all roaring a mighty chorus while the parting cannons boom and the multitude and spectator swing their hats and his ah steamer after steamer falls into line and the stately procession goes winging its flight up the river in the old times whenever too fast boats started out on a race with a big crowd of people looking on it was inspiring to hear the crews sing especially if the time were nightfall and the folks will lit up with the red glare of the torch baskets racing was royal fun the public always had an idea that racing was dangerous whereas the opposite was the case that is after the laws were passed which restricted each boat to just so many pounds of steam to the square inch no engineer was ever sleepy or careless when his heart was in a race he was constantly on the alert trying gauge cocks and watching things the dangerous place was on slow plotting boats where the engineers drowsed around and allowed chips to get into the doctor and shut off the water supply from the boilers in the flush times of steamboating a race between two notoriously fleet steamers was an event of vast importance the date was set for it several weeks in advance and from that time forward the whole mississippi valley was in a state of consuming excitement politics and the weather were dropped and people talked only of the coming race as the time approached the two steamers stripped and got ready every encumbrance that added weight or exposed a resisting surface to wind or water was removed if the boat could possibly do without it the spars and sometimes even their supporting derricks were sent ashore and no means left to set the boat afloat in case she got aground when the eclipse and the a l shot well ran their great race many years ago it was said that pains were taken to scrape the gilding off the fanciful device which hung between the eclipses chimneys and that for that one trip the captain left off his kid gloves and had his head shaved but i always doubted these things if the boat was known to make her best speed when drawing five and a half feet forward and five feet aft she was carefully loaded to that exact figure she wouldn't enter a dose of homeopathic pills on her manifest after that hardly any passengers were taken because they not only add weight but they never will boat they always run to the side when there is anything to see whereas a conscientious and experienced steam boatman would stick to the center of the boat and part his hair in the middle with a spirit level no way freight and no way passengers were allowed for the racers would stop only at the largest towns and then it would be only touch and go coal flats and wood flats were contracted full beforehand and these were kept ready to hit on to the flying steamers at a moment's warning double crews were carried so that all work could be quickly done the chosen date being come and all things in readiness the two great steamers back into the stream they're jockeying a moment and apparently watching each other's slightest movement like sentient creatures flags drooping the pent steam shrieking through safety valves the black smoke rolling and tumbling from the chimneys and darkening all the air people people everywhere the shores the housetops the steam boats the ships are packed with them and you know that the borders of the broad Mississippi are going to be fringed with humanity then northward 1200 miles to welcome these racers presently tall columns of steam burst forth from the skatepipes of both steamers two guns boom a goodbye two red shirted heroes mounted on capstones wave their small flags above the masked crews on the foxels two plaintive solos linger on the air a few waiting seconds two mighty poruses burst forth and here they come brass bands bray hail Columbia Huzzah after Huzzah thunders from the shores and the stately creatures go whistling by like the wind those boats will never halt a moment between New Orleans and St. Louis except for a second or two at large towns or to hitch 30 cord wood boats alongside you should be on board when they take a couple of those wood boats in tow and turn a swarm of men into each by the time you have wiped your glasses and put them on you will be wondering what has become of that wood two nicely matched seamers will stay in sight of each other day after day they might even stay side by side but for the fact that pilots are not all alike and the smartest pilots will win the race if one of the boats has a lightning pilot whose partner is a trifle his inferior you can tell which one is on watch by noting whether that boat has gained ground or lost some during each four hour stretch the shrewdest pilot can delay a boat if he is not a fine genius for steering steering is a very high art one must not keep a rudder dragging across a boat stern if he wants to get up the river fast there is a great difference in boats of course for a long time I was on a boat that was so slow we used to forget what year it was we left port in but of course this was at rare intervals ferry boats used to lose valuable trips because their passengers grew old and died waiting for us to get by this was at still rarer intervals I had the documents for these occurrences but through carelessness they have been mislaid this boat the John Jay Row was so slow that when she finally sunk in Madrid Bend it was five years before the owners heard of it that was always a confusing fact to me but it is according to the record anyway she was dismally slow still we often had pretty exciting times racing with islands and rafts and such things one trip however we did rather well we went to st. Louis in 16 days but even at this rattling gate I think we changed watches three times in Fort Adams reach which is five miles long a reach is a piece of straight river and of course the current drives through such a place in a pretty lively way that trip we went to Grand Gulf from New Orleans in four days of three hundred and forty miles the eclipse and Shotwell did it in one we were nine days out in the shoot of sixty three seven hundred miles the eclipse and Shotwell went there in two days something over a generation ago a boat called the J. M. White went from New Orleans to Cairo in three days six hours and forty four minutes in 1853 the eclipse made the same trip in three days three hours and twenty minutes footnote time disputed some authorities add one hour and sixteen minutes to this in 1870 the R. E. Lee did it in three days and one hour this last is called the fastest trip on record I will try to show that it was not for this reason the distance between New Orleans and Cairo when the J. M. White ran it was about eleven hundred and six miles consequently her average speed was a trifle over fourteen miles per hour in the Eclipse's day the distance between the two ports had become reduced to one thousand and eighty miles consequently her average speed was a shade under fourteen and three eighths miles per hour in the R. E. Lee's time the distance had diminished to about one thousand and thirty miles consequently her average was about fourteen and one eighth mile per hour therefore the Eclipse's was conspicuously the fastest time that has ever been made end of chapter sixteen this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter seventeen Cut-Offs and Steven these dry details are of importance in one particular they give me an opportunity of introducing one of the Mississippi's oddest peculiarities that of shortening its length from time to time if you will throw along pliant apple pairing over your shoulder it will pretty fairly shape itself into an average section of the Mississippi that is the nine or ten hundred miles stretching from Cairo Illinois southward to New Orleans the same being wonderfully crooked with a brief straight bit here and there at wide intervals the two hundred miles stretch from Cairo northward to St. Louis is by no means so crooked that being a rocky country which the river cannot cut much the water cuts the alluvial banks of the lower river into deep horseshoe curves so deep indeed that in some places if you were to get ashore at one extremity of the horseshoe and walk across the neck half or three quarters of a mile you could sit down and rest a couple of hours while your steamer was coming round the long elbow at a speed of ten miles an hour to take you aboard again when the river is rising fast some scoundrel whose plantation is back in the country and therefore of inferior value has only to watch his chance cut a little gutter across the narrow neck of land some dark night and turn the water into it and in a wonderfully short time a miracle has happened to it the whole Mississippi has taken possession of that little ditch and placed the country man's plantation on its bank quadrupling its value and that other party's formerly valuable plantation finds itself away out yonder on a big island and the old water course around it will soon show up boats cannot approach within ten miles of it and down goes its value to a fourth of its former worth watches are kept on those narrow necks at needful times and if a man happens to be caught cutting a ditch across them the chances are all against his ever having another opportunity to cut a ditch pray observe some of the effects of this ditching business once there was a neck opposite Port Hudson Louisiana which was only half a mile across in its narrowest place you could walk across there in 15 minutes but if you made the journey around the Cape on a raft you traveled 35 miles to accomplish the same thing in 1722 the river darted through that neck deserted its old bed and thus shortened itself 35 miles in the same way it shortened itself 25 miles at Black Hawk Point in 1699 below Red River Landing the course he cut off was made 40 or 50 years ago I think this shortened the river 28 miles in our day if you travel by river from the southern most of these three cut offs to the northern most you go about 70 miles to do the same thing 176 years ago one had to go 158 miles shortening of 88 miles in that trifling distance at some forgotten time in the past cut offs were made above Vidalia Louisiana at Island 92 at Island 84 and at Hale's point these shortened the river in the aggregate 77 miles since my own day on the Mississippi cut offs have been made at Hurricane Island at Island 100 at Napoleon Arkansas at Walnut Bend and at Council Bend these shortened the river in the aggregate 67 miles in my own time a cut off was made at American Bend which shortened the river 10 miles or more therefore the Mississippi between Cairo and New Orleans was 1215 miles long 176 years ago it was 1180 after the cut off of 1722 it was 1040 after the American Bend cut off it has lost 67 miles since consequently its length is only 973 miles at present now if I wanted to be one of those ponderous scientific people and let on to prove what had occurred in the remote past by what had occurred in a given time in the recent past or what will occur in the far future by what has occurred in late years what an opportunity is here geology never had such a chance nor such exact data to argue from nor development of species either glacial epics are great things but they are vague vague please observe in the space of 176 years the lower Mississippi has shortened itself 242 miles that is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year therefore any calm person who is not blind or idiotic can see that in the old Olytic Celerian period just a million years ago next November the lower Mississippi River was upwards of 1,300,000 miles long and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like a fishing rod and by the same token any person could see that 742 years from now the lower Mississippi will only be a mile and three quarters long and Cairo and New Orleans will have joined their streets together and be plotting comfortably along under a single mayor and a mutual board of alderman there is something fascinating about science one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact when the water begins to flow through one of those ditches I have been speaking of it is time for the people thereabouts to move the water cleaves the banks away like a knife by the time the ditch has become 12 or 15 feet wide the calamity is as good as accomplished for no power on earth can stop it now when the width has reached 100 yards the banks begin to peel off and slices half an acre wide the current flowing around the bend traveled formally only five miles an hour now it is tremendously increased by the shortening of the distance I was on board the first boat that tried to go through the cutoff at American Bend but we did not get through it was toward midnight and a wild night it was thunder lightning and torrents of rain it was estimated that the current in the cutoff was making about 15 or 20 miles an hour 12 or 13 was the best our boat could do even in tolerably slack water therefore perhaps we were foolish to try the cutoff however Mr. Brown was ambitious and he kept on trying the eddy running up the bank under the point was about as swift as the current out in the middle so we would go flying up the shore like a lightning express train get on a big head of steam and stand by for a surge when we struck the current that was whirling by the point but all our preparations were useless the instant the current hit us it spun us around like a top the water deliards the foxtel and the boat careen so far over that one could hardly keep his feet the next instant we were away down the river clawing with might and main to keep out of the woods we tried the experiment four times I stood on the foxtel companion way to see it was astonishing to observe how suddenly the boat would spin around and turn tail the moment she emerged from the eddy and the current struck her nose the sounding concussion and the quivering would have been about the same if she had come full steam against a sand bank under the lightning flashes one could see the plantation cabins and the goodly acres tumble into the river and the crash they made was not a bad effort at thunder once when we spun around we only missed a house about 20 feet that had a light burning in the window and in the same instant that house went overboard nobody could stay on our foxtel the water swept across it in a torrent every time we plunged to thwart the current at the end of our fourth effort we brought up in the woods two miles below the cutoff all the country there was overflowed of course a day or two later the cutoff was three quarters of a mile wide and boats passed up through it without much difficulty and so saved 10 miles the older coursey cutoff reduced the river's length 28 miles there used to be a tradition connected with it it was said that a boat came along there in the night and went around the enormous elbow the usual way the pilots not knowing that the cutoff had been made it was a grisly hideous night and all shapes were vague and distorted the old bend had already begun to fill up and the boat got to running away from mysterious reefs and occasionally hitting one the perplexed pilots fell to swearing and finally uttered the entirely unnecessary wish that they might never get out of that place as always happens in such cases that particular prayer was answered and the others neglected so to this day that phantom steamer is still butting around in that deserted river trying to find her way out more than one grave watchman has sworn to me that on drizzly dismal nights he has glanced fearfully down that forgotten river as he passed the head of the island and seen the faint glow of the spectre steamer's lights drifting through the distant gloom and heard the muffled cough of her scape pipes and the plaintive cry of her ledsmen in the absence of further statistics i beg to close this chapter with one more reminiscence of steven most of the captains and pilots held steven's note for borrowed sums ranging from two hundred and fifty dollars upward steven never paid one of these notes but he was very prompt and very zealous about renewing them every twelve months of course there came a time at last when steven could no longer borrow of his ancient creditors so he was obliged to lie and wait for new men who did not know him such a victim was good-hearted simple-natured young yates i use a fictitious name but the real name began as this one does with a why young yates graduated as a pilot got a birth and when the month was ended and he stepped up to the clerk's office and received his two hundred and fifty dollars in crisp new bills steven was there his silvery tongue began to wag and in a very little while yates two hundred and fifty dollars had changed hands the fact was soon known at pilots headquarters and the amusement and satisfaction of the old creditors were large and generous but innocent yates never suspected that steven's promise to pay promptly at the end of the week was a worthless one yates called for his money at the stipulated time steven sweetened him up and put him off a week he called then according to agreement and came away sugarcoated again but suffering under another postponement so the thing went on yates haunted steven week after week to no purpose and at last gave it up and then straight away steven began to haunt yates wherever yates appeared there was the inevitable steven and not only there but beaming with affection and gushing with apologies for not being able to pay by and by whenever poor yates saw him coming he would turn and fly and drag his company with him if he had company but it was of no use his debtor would run him down and corner him panting and red faced steven would come without stretched hands and eager eyes invade the conversation shake both of yates arms loosen their sockets and begin i what a race i've had i saw you didn't see me and so i clapped on all steven for fear i'd miss you entirely and here you are there just stand so and let me look at you just the same old noble countenance to yates friend just look at him look at him ain't it just good to look at him ain't it now ain't he just a picture some call him a picture i call him a panorama that's what he is an entire panorama and now i'm reminded how i do wish i could have seen you an hour earlier for 24 hours i've been saving up that 250 for you been looking for you everywhere i waited at the planters from six yesterday evening till two o'clock this morning without rest or food my wife says where have you been all night i said this death lies heavy on my mind she says in all my days i never saw a man take a debt to heart the way you do i said it's my nature how can i change it she says well do go to bed and get some rest i said not till that poor noble young man has got his money so i set up all night and this morning out i shot and the first man i struck told me you had shipped on the grand turk and gone to new Orleans well sir i had to lean up against the building and cry so help me goodness i couldn't help it the man that owned the place come out cleaning up with a rag and said he didn't like to have people cry against his building and then it seemed to me that the whole world had turned against me and it wasn't any use to live anymore and kind of an hour ago suffering no man knows what agony i met jim wilson and paid him the 250 on account and i think that here you are now and i haven't got a cent but as sure as i am standing here on this ground on this particular brick there i've scratched a mark on the brick to remember it by i'll borrow that money and pay it over to you at 12 o'clock sharp tomorrow now stand so let me look at you just once more and so on yates life became a burden to him he could not escape his debtor and his debtor's awful sufferings on account of not being able to pay he dreaded to show himself in the street lest he should find steven line and wait for him at the corner begaard's billiard saloon was a great resort for pilots in those days they met there about as much to exchange river news as to play one morning yates was there steven was there too but kept out of sight but by and by when about all the pilots had arrived who were in town steven suddenly appeared in the midst and rushed for yates as for a long lost brother oh i am so glad to see you oh my soul the sight of you is such comfort to my eyes gentlemen i owe all of you money among you i owe probably 40 000 dollars i want to pay it i intend to pay it every last cent of it you all know without my telling you what sorrow it has cost me to remain so long under such deep obligations to such patient and generous friends but the sharpest pang i suffer by far the sharpest is from the debt i owe to this noble young man here and i have come to this place this morning especially to make the announcement that i have at last found a method whereby i can pay off all my debts and most especially i wanted him to be here when i announced it yes my faithful friend my benefactor i found the method i found the method to pay off all my debts and you'll get your money hope dawned in yates eye then steven beaming demignantly and placing his hand upon yates head added i am going to pay them off in alphabetical order then he turned and disappeared the full significance of steven's method did not dawn upon the perplexed and musing crowd for some two minutes then the eights murmured with a sigh well the wise stand a gaudy chance he won't get any further than the seas in this world and i reckon that after a good deal of eternity has wasted away in the next one i'll still be referred to up there as that poor ragged pilot that came here from st louis in the early days end of chapter 17 this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 18 i take a few extra lessons during the two or two and a half years of my apprenticeship i served under many pilots and had experience of many kinds of steamboat men and many varieties of steamboats for it was not always convenient for mr bixby to have me with him and in such cases he sent me with somebody else i am to this day profiting somewhat by that experience for in that brief sharp schooling i got personally and familiarly acquainted with about all the different types of human nature that are to be found in fiction biography or history the fact is daily born in upon me that the average shore employment requires as much as 40 years to equip demand with this sort of an education when i say i am still profiting by this thing i do not mean that it has constituted me a judge of men no it has not done that for judges of men are born not made my profit is various in kind and degree but the feature of it which i value most is the zest which that early experience has given to my later reading when i find a well-drawn character in fiction or biography i generally take a warm personal interest in him for the reason that i have known him before met him on the river the figure that comes before me oftenest out of the shadows of that vanish time is that of brown of the steamer pennsylvania the man referred to in a former chapter whose memory was so good and tiresome he was a middle-aged long slim bony smooth-shaven horse-faced ignorant stingy malicious snarling fault-hunting moat magnifying tyrant i early got the habit of coming on watch with dread at my heart no matter how good a time i might have been having with the off-watch below and no matter how high my spirits might be when i started aloft my soul became led in my body the moment i approached the pilot house i still remember the first time i ever entered the presence of that man the boat had backed out from st lewis and was straightening down i ascended to the pilot house in high feather and very proud to be semi-officially a member of the executive family of so fast and famous a boat brown was at the wheel i paused in the middle of the room all fixed to make my bow but brown did not look around i thought he took a furtive glance at me out of the corner of his eye but as not even this notice was repeated i judged i had been mistaken by this time he was picking his way among some dangerous breaks abreast of woodyards therefore it would not be proper to interrupt him so i stepped softly to the high bench and took a seat there was a silence for 10 minutes then my new boss turned and inspected me deliberately and painstakingly from head to heel for about as it seemed to me a quarter of an hour after which he removed his countenance and i saw it no more for some seconds then it came around once more and this question greeted me are you Horace Bixby's cub yes sir after this there was a pause and another inspection then what's your name i told him he repeated it after me it was probably the only thing he ever forgot for although i was with him many months never addressed himself to me in any other way than here and then his command followed where was you born in florida missouri a pause then their insight better stayed there by means of a dozen or so of pretty direct questions he pumped my family history out of me the lads were going now in the first crossing this interrupted the inquest when the lads had been laid in he resumed how long have you been on the river i told him after a pause where did you get them shows i gave him the information hold up your foot i did so he stepped back examined the shoe minutely and contemptuously scratching his head thoughtfully filtering his high sugarloaf hat well forward to facilitate the operation then ejaculated well i'll be god turned and returned to his wheel what occasion there was to be done learned about it is the thing which is still as much of a mystery to me now as it was then it must have been all a 15 minutes 15 minutes of dull homesick silence before that long horse face swung round upon me again and then what a change it was as red as fire and every muscle in it was working now came this shriek here you're going to sit there all day i lit in the middle of the floor shot there by the electric suddenness of the surprise as soon as i could get my voice i said apologetically i have had no orders sir you've had no orders my what a fine bird we are we must have orders our father was a gentleman owned slaves and we've been to school yes we are gentlemen too and and got to have orders orders is it orders is what you want i turned my skin i'll learn you to swell yourself up and blow around here about your that turned orders away from the wheel i had approached it without knowing it i moved back a step or two and stood us in the dream all my senses stupefied by this frantic assault what are you standing there for take that ice picture down to the texas tender come move along and and don't you be all day about it the moment i got back to the pilot house brown said here what were you doing down there all this time i couldn't find the texas tender i had to go all the way to the pantry turned like a story fill up the stove i proceeded to do so he watched me like a cat presently he shouted put down that shovel get us numbskull i ever saw ain't even got sense enough to load up a stove all through the watch this sort of thing went on yes the subsequent watches were much like it during a stretch of months as i have said i soon got the habit of coming on duty with dread the moment i was in the presence even in the darkest night i could feel those yellow eyes upon me and knew their owner was watching for a pretext to spit out some venom on me preliminarily he would say here take the wheel two minutes later where in the nation you're going to pull it down pour down after another moment say you're gonna hold her all day let her go meter meter then he would jump from the bench snatch the wheel from me and meter himself pouring out wrath upon me all the time george richie was the other pilot's cub he was having good times now for his boss george either was as kind-hearted as brown wasn't richie had steeled for brown the season before consequently he knew exactly how to entertain himself and played me all by the one operation whenever i took the wheel for a moment on either's watch richie would sit back on the bench and play brown with continual execulations of snatcher snatcher heard this butt cat i ever saw here where are you going now going to run over that snag pull her down don't you let me pull her down there she goes just as i expected i told you not to cramp that reef going from the wheel so i always had a rough time of it no matter whose watch it was and sometimes it seemed to me that richie's good natured badgering was pretty nearly as aggravating as brown's deaderness nagging i often wanted to kill brown but this would not answer a cub had to take everything his boss gave in a way of vigorous comment and criticism and we all believe that there was a united states law making it a penitentiary offense to strike or threaten the pilot who was on duty however i could imagine myself killing brown there was no law against that and that was the thing i used always to do the moment i was a bed instead of going over my river in my mind as was my duty i threw business aside for pleasure and killed brown i killed brown every night for months not in old stale commonplace ways but in new and picturesque ways ways that were sometimes surprising for freshness of design and ghastliness of situation and environment brown was always watching for a pretext to find fault and if he could find no plausible pretext he would invent one he would scold you for shaving ashore or for not shaving it for hugging a bar and for not hugging it for pulling down when not invited and for not pulling down when not invited for firing up without orders and for waiting for orders in a word it was his invariable rule to find fault with everything you did and another invariable rule of his was to throw all his remarks to you into the form of an insult one day we were approaching new madrid round down and heavily laden brown was at one side of the wheel steering i was at the other standing by to pull down or shove up he cast a furtive glance at me every now and then i have long ago learned what that meant these he was trying to invent a trap for me i wondered what shape it was going to take by and by he stepped back from the wheel and said in his usual snarly way here see if you've got gumption enough to round her too this was simply bound to be a success nothing could prevent it for he had never allowed me to round the boat too before consequently no matter how i might do the thing he could find free fault with it he stood back there with his greedy eye on me and the result was what might have been foreseen i lost my head in a quarter of a minute and didn't know what i was about i started too early to bring the boat around but detected a green gleam of joy in brown's eye and corrected my mistake i started round once more while too high up but corrected myself again in time i made other false moves and still managed to save myself but at last i grew so confused and anxious that i tumbled into the very worst blunder of all i got too far down before beginning to fetch the boat around brown's chance was come his face turned red with passion he made one bound hurled me across the house with a sweep of his arm spun the wheel down and began to pour out a stream of the tuporation upon me which lasted till he was out of breath in the course of this speech he called me all the different kinds of hard names he could think of and once or twice i thought he was even going to swear but he didn't this time that burned was the nearest he ventured to the luxury of swearing or he had been brought up with a wholesome respect for future fire and brimstone that was an uncomfortable hour for there was a big audience on the hurricane deck when i went to bed that night i killed a bound in 17 different ways all of them knew end of chapter 18 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 19 brown and i exchange compliments two trips later i got into serious trouble brown was steering i was pulling down my younger brother appeared on the hurricane deck and shouted to brown to stop at some landing or other a mile or so below brown gave no information that he had heard anything but that was his way he never condescended to take notice of an underclerk the wind was blowing brown was deaf although he always pretended he wasn't and i very much doubted if he had heard the order if i had two heads i would have spoken but as i had only one it seemed judicious to take care of it so i kept still presently sure enough we went sailing by that plantation captain climb felter appeared on the deck and said let her come around sir let her come round didn't henry tell you to land here no sir i sent him up to do it he did come up and that's all the good had done but that burned fool he never said anything didn't you hear him asked the captain of me of course i didn't want to be mixed up in this business but there was no way to avoid it so i said yes sir i knew what brown's next remark would be before he uttered it it was shut your mouth you never heard anything of the kind i closed my mouth according to instructions an hour later henry entered the pilot house unaware of what had been going on he was a thoroughly inoffensive boy and i was sorry to see him come for i knew brown would have no pity on him brown began straight way here why didn't you tell me we'd got to land at that plantation i did tell you mr brown it's a lie i said you lie yourself he did tell you brown glared at me in unaffected surprise and for as much as a moment he was entirely speechless then he shouted at me i will tend to your case in half a minute then to henry and you leave the pilot house out with you it was pilot law and must be obeyed the boys started out and even had his foot on the upper step outside the door when brown with a sudden access of fury picked up a 10 pound lump of coal and sprang after him but i was between with a heavy stool and i hit brown a good honest blow which stretched him out i had committed the crime of crimes i had lifted my hand against a pilot on duty i supposed i was booked for the penitentiary sure and couldn't be booked any sure if i went on and squared my long account with this person while i had the chance consequently i stuck to him and pounded him with my fists a considerable time i do not know how long the pleasure of it probably made it seem longer than it really was but in the end he struggled free and jumped up and sprang to the wheel a very natural solicitude for all this time here was the steamboat tearing down the river at the rate of 15 miles an hour and nobody at the home however eagle bend was two miles wide at this bank full stage and correspondingly long and deep the boat was steering herself straight down the middle and taking no chances still that was only luck a body might have found her charging into the woods perceiving at a glance that the pennsylvania was in no danger brown gathered up the big spyglass war club fashion and ordered me out of the pilot house with more than comanche bluster but i was not afraid of him now so instead of going i tarried and criticized his grammar and reformed his ferocious speeches for him and put them into good english calling his attention to the advantage of pure english over the bastard dialect of the pennsylvania collieries once he was extracted he could have done his part to admiration in a crossfire of mere retribution of course but he was not equipped for this species of controversy so he presently laid aside his glass and took the wheel muttering and shaking his head and i retired to the bench the racket had brought everybody to the hurricane deck and i trembled when i saw the old captain looking up from the midst of the crowd i said to myself now i am done for or although as a rule he was so fatherly and indulgent toward the boat's family and so patient of minor shortcomings he could be stern enough when the fault was worth it i tried to imagine what he would do to a cub pilot who had been guilty of such a crime as mine committed on a boat guard deep with costly freight and alive with passengers our watch was nearly ended i thought i would go and hide somewhere till i got a chance to slide ashore so i slipped out of the pilot house down the steps and around to the texas door and was in the act of gliding within when the captain confronted me i dropped my head and he stood over me in silence a moment or two then he said impressively follow me i dropped into his wake he led the way to his parlor in the forward end of the texas we were alone now he closed the after door then moved slowly to the forward one and closed that he sat down i stood before him he looked at me some little time then said so you have been fighting mr brown i answered meekly yes sir you know that that is a very serious matter yes sir are you aware that this boat was plowing down the river fully five minutes with no one at the wheel yes sir did you strike him first yes sir what with a stool sir hard middling sir did it knock him down he he fell sir did you follow it up did you do anything further yes sir what did you do pounded him sir pounded him yes sir did you pound him much that is severely one might call it that sir maybe i'm just glad of it harkey never mentioned that i said that you have been guilty of a great crime and don't you ever be guilty of it again on this boat but lay for him ashore give him a good sound thrashing do you hear i'll pay the expense now go and mind you not a word of this to anybody clear out with you you've been guilty of a great crime you well i stood out happy with the sense of a close shave and a mighty deliverance and i heard him laughing to himself and slapping his fat thighs after i had closed his door when brown came off watch he went straight to the captain who was talking with some passengers on the boiler deck and demanded that i be put ashore in orleans and added i'll never turn a wheel on this boat again while that club stays captain said but he needn't go round when you were on watch mr brown i won't even stay on the same boat with him one of us has got to go ashore very well said the captain let it be yourself and resumed his talk with the passengers during the brief remainder of the trip i knew how an emancipated slave feels for i was an emancipated slave myself while we lay at landings i listened to george ealer's flute or to his readings from his two bibles that is to say goldsmith and shakespeare or i played chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move and ran the game out differently end of chapter 19 this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 20 a catastrophe we lay three days in new allens but the captain did not succeed in finding another pilot so he proposed that i should stand a daylight watch and leave the night watches to george but i was afraid i had never stood a watch of any sort by myself and i believed i should be sure to get into trouble in the head of some chute or ground the boat in a near cut through some bar or other brown remained in his place but he would not travel with me so the captain gave me an order on the captain of the at lacy for a passage to st louis and said he would find a new pilot there and my steersman's birth could then be resumed the lacy was to leave a couple of days after the pennsylvania the night before the pennsylvania left henry and i sat chatting on a freight pile on the levee till midnight the subject of the chat mainly was one which i think we had not exploited before steamboat disasters one was then on its way to us little as we suspected it the water which was to make the steam which should cause it was washing past some point 1500 miles up the river while we talked but it would arrive at the right time and the right place we doubted if persons not closed with authority were of much use in cases of disaster and attendant panic still they might be of some use so we decided that if a disaster ever fell within our experience we would at least stick to the boat and give such minor service as chance might throw in the way henry remembered this afterward when the disaster came and acted accordingly the lacy started up the river two days behind the pennsylvania we touched at greenville mississippi a couple of days out and somebody shouted the pennsylvania is blown up at ship island and 150 lives lost at napoleon arkansas the same evening we got an extra issued by a memphis paper which gave some particulars it mentioned my brother and said he was not hurt further up the river we got a later extra my brother was again mentioned but this time as being hurt beyond help we did not get full details of the catastrophe until we reached memphis this is the sorrowful story it was six o'clock on a hot summer morning the pennsylvania was creeping along north of ship island about 60 miles below memphis on a half head of steam towing a wood flat which was fast being emptied george ealer was in the pilot house alone i think the second engineer and a striker had the watch in the engine room the second mate had the watch on deck george black mr wood and my brother clerks were asleep as were also brown and the head engineer the carpenter the chief mate and one striker captain kleinfelter was in the barber's chair and the barber was preparing to shave him there were a good many cabin passengers aboard and three or four hundred deck passengers so it was said at the time and not very many of them were a stir the wood being nearly all out of the flat now either rang to come ahead full steam and the next moment four of the eight boilers exploded with a thunderous crash and a whole forward third of the boat was hoisted toward the sky the main part of the mass with the chimneys dropped upon the boat again a mountain of riddled and chaotic rubbish and then after a while a fire broke out many people were flown to considerable distances and fell in the river among these were mr wood and my brother and the carpenter the carpenter was still stretched upon his mattress when he struck the water seventy five feet from the boat brown the pilot and George black chief clerk were never seen or heard of after the explosion the barber's chair with captain kleinfelter in it and unhurt was left with its back overhanging vacancy everything forward of it floor and all had disappeared and the stupefied barber who was also unhurt stood with one toe projecting over space still stirring his lather unconsciously and saying not a word when George Ealer saw the chimneys plunging aloft in front of him he knew what the matter was so he muffled his face in the lapels of his coat and pressed both hands there tightly to keep this protection in its place so that no steam could get to his nose or mouth he had ample time to attend to these details while he was going up and returning he presently landed on top of the unexploded boilers forty feet below the former pilot house accompanied by his wheel and a rain of other stuff and enveloped in a cloud of scalding steam all of the many who breathed that steam died none escaped but either breathed none of it he made his way to the free air as quickly as he could and when the steam cleared away he returned and climbed up on the boilers again and patiently hunted out each and every one of his chestmen and the several joints of his flute by this time the fire was beginning to threaten shrieks and groans filled the air a great many persons had been scalded a great many crippled the explosion had driven an iron crowbar through one man's body I think they said he was a priest he did not die at once and his sufferings were very dreadful a young french naval cadet of fifteen son of a french admiral was fearfully scalded but bore his tortures manfully both mates were badly scalded but they stood to their posts nevertheless they drew the woodboat aft and they and the captain fought back the frantic herd of frightened immigrants till the wounded could be brought there and placed in safety first when mr. wood and henry fell in the water they struck out for sure which was only a few hundred yards away but henry presently said he believed he was not hurt what an unaccountable error and therefore would swim back to the boat and help save the wounded so they parted and henry returned by this time the fire was making fierce headway and several persons who were imprisoned under the ruins were begging piteously for help all efforts to conquer the fire proved fruitless so the buckets were presently thrown aside and the officers fell to with axes and tried to cut the prisoners out a striker was one of the captives he said he was not injured but could not free himself and when he saw that the fire was likely to drive away the workers he begged that someone would shoot him and thus save him from the more dreadful death the fire did drive the axe men away and they had to listen helpless to this poor fellow's supplications to the flames ended his miseries the fire drove all into the wood flat that could be accommodated there it was cut adrift then and it and the burning steamer floated down the river towards ship island they moored the flat at the head of the island and there unsheltered from the blazing sun the half-naked occupants had to remain without food or stimulants or help for their hurts during the rest of the day a steamer came along finally and carried the unfortunate to Memphis and there the most lavish assistance was at once forthcoming by this time Henry was insensible the physicians examined his injuries and saw that they were fatal and naturally turned their main attention to patients who could be saved 40 of the wounded were placed upon pallets on the floor of a great public hall and among these was Henry there the ladies of Memphis came every day with flowers fruits and dainties and delicacies of all kinds and there they remained and nursed the wounded all the physicians stood watches there and all the medical students and the rest of the town furnished money or whatever else was wanted and Memphis knew how to do all these things well for many a disaster like the Pennsylvania's had happened near her doors and she was experienced above all other cities on the river in the gracious office of the Good Samaritan the site I saw when I entered that large hall was new and strange to me two long rows of prostrate forms more than 40 and all and every face and head a shapeless wad of loose raw cotton it was a gruesome spectacle I watched there six days and nights and a very melancholy experience it was there was one daily incident which was peculiarly depressing this was the removal of the doomed to a chamber apart it was done in order that the morale of the other patients might not be injuriously affected by seeing one of their number in the death agony the fated one was always carried out with as little stir as possible and the stretcher was always hidden from sight by a wall of assistance but no matter everybody knew what that cluster of bent forms with its muffled step and its slow movement meant and all eyes watched it wistfully and a shutter went a breast of it like a wave I saw many poor fellows removed to the death room and saw them no more afterward but I saw our chief mate carried scissor more than once his hurts were frightful especially his scalds he was closed in linseed oil and raw cotton to his waist and resembled nothing human he was often out of his mind and then his pains would make him rave and shout and sometimes shriek then after a period of numb exhaustion his disordered imagination would suddenly transform the great apartment into a folk soul and the hurrying throng of nurses into the crew and he would come to a sitting posture and shout hump yourselves hump yourselves you petrofactions snail bellies paul there is going to be all day getting that hat full of straight out and supplement this explosion with affirmament obliterating eruption or profanity which nothing could stay or stop till his crater was empty and now and then while these frenzies possessed him he would tear off handfuls of the cotton and expose his cooked flesh to view it was horrible it was bad for the others of course this noise and these exhibitions so the doctors tried to give him morphine to quiet him but in his mind or out of it he would not take it he said his wife had been killed by that treacherous drug and he would die before he would take it he suspected that the doctors were concealing it in his ordinary medicines and in his water so he ceased from putting either to his lips once when he had been without water during two sweltering days he took the dipper in his hand and the sight of the limpid fluid and the misery of his thirst tempted him almost beyond his strength but he mastered himself and threw it away and after that he allowed no more to be brought near him three times I saw him carry to the death room insensible and supposed to be dying but each time he revived cursed his attendance and demanded to be taken back he lived to be made of a steamboat again but he was the only one who went to the death room and returned alive Dr. Peyton a principal physician and rich in all the attributes that go to constitute high and flawless character did all that educated judgment and train skill could do for Henry but as the newspapers had said in the beginning his hurts were passed help on the evening of the sixth day his wandering mind busied itself with matters far away and his nervous fingers picked at his coverlet his hour had struck we bore him to the death room poor boy end of chapter 20 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 21 a section in my biography in due course I got my license I was a pilot now full-fledged I dropped into casual employment no misfortunes resulting intermittent work gave place to steady and protracted engagements time drifted smoothly and prosperously on and I supposed and hoped that I was going to follow the river the rest of my days and die at the wheel when my mission was ended but by and by the war came commerce was suspended my occupation was gone I had to seek another livelihood so I became a silver miner in Nevada next a newspaper reporter next a gold miner in california next a reporter in san francisco next a special correspondent in the sandwich islands next a roving correspondent in europe and the east next an instructional torchbearer on the lecture platform and finally I became a scribbler of books an immovable fixture among the other rocks of new england and so few words have I disposed of the 21 slow drifting years that have come and gone since I last left from the windows of a pilot house let us resume now end of chapter 21 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 22 I return to my muttons after 21 years absence I felt a very strong desire to see the river again and the steamboats and such of the boys as might be left so I resolved to go out there I enlisted a poet for company and a stenographer to take him down and started westward about the middle of april as I proposed to make notes with a view to printing I took some thought as to methods of procedure I reflected that if I were recognized on the river I should not be as free to go and come talk inquire and spy around as I should be if unknown I remember that it was the custom of steamboat men in the old times to load up the confiding stranger with the most picturesque and admirable lies and put the sophisticated friend off with dull and ineffectual facts so I concluded that from a business point of view it would be an advantage to disguise our party with fictitious names the idea was certainly good but it bred infinite bother for although Smith Jones and Johnson are easy names to remember when there is no occasion to remember them it is next to impossible to recollect them when they are wanted how do criminals manage to keep a brand new alias in mind this is a great mystery I was innocent and yet was seldom able to lay my hand on my new name when it was needed and it seemed to me that if I had had a crime on my conscience to further confuse me I could never have kept the name by me at all we left per Pennsylvania Railroad at 8 a.m. April 18 evening speaking of dress grace and picturesqueness drop gradually out of it as one travels away from New York I find that among my notes it makes no difference which direction you take the fact remains the same whether you move north south east or west no matter you can get up in the morning and guess how far you have come by noting what degree of grace and picturesqueness is by that time lacking in the costumes of the new passengers I do not mean of the women alone but of both sexes it may be that carriage is at the bottom of this thing and I think it is for there are plenty of ladies and gentlemen in the provincial cities whose garments are all made by the best tailors and dress makers of New York yet this has no perceptible effect upon the grand fact the educated I never mistake those people for New Yorkers no there is a godless grace and snap and style about a born and bred New Yorker which mere clothing cannot affect April 19 this morning struck into the region of full goatees sometimes accompanied by a moustache but only occasionally it was odd to come upon this thick crop of an obsolete and uncommonly fashion it was like running suddenly across a forgotten acquaintance whom you had supposed dead for a generation the goatee extends over a wide extent of country and is accompanied by an iron clad belief in Adam and the biblical history of creation which has not suffered from the assaults of the scientists afternoon at the railway stations the loafers carry both hands in their bridges pockets it was observable here to four that one hand was sometimes out of doors here never this is an important fact in geography if the loafers determined the character of the country it would be still more important of course here to four all along the station loafer has been often observed to scratch one shin with the other foot here these remains of activity are wanting this was an ominous look and by we entered the tobacco chewing region fifty years ago the tobacco chewing region covered the union it is greatly restricted now next boots began to appear not in strong force however later away down the mississippi they became the rule they disappeared from other sections of the union with mud no doubt they will disappear from the river villages also when proper pavements come in we reached st louis at ten o'clock night at the counter of the hotel i tendered a hurriedly invented fictitious name with a miserable attempt at careless ease the clerk paused and inspected me in the compassionate way in which one inspects a respectable person who is found in doubtful circumstances then he said it's all right i know what sort of a room you want used to clerk at the saint chains in new york an unpromising beginning for a fraudulent career we started to the supper room and met two other men whom i had known elsewhere how odd and unfair it is wicked imposters go around lecturing under my norm to get and nobody suspects them but when an honest man attempts an imposter he is exposed at once one thing seemed plain we must start down the river the next day if people who could not be deceived we're going to crop up at this rate an unpalatable disappointment for we had hoped to have a week in st louis the sudden was a good hotel and we could have had a comfortable time there it is large and well conducted and its decorations do not make one cry as do those of the vast palmer house in chicago true the billiard tables were of the old salurian period and the cues and balls of the post plyosine but there was refreshment in this not discomfort for there is rest and healing in the contemplation of antiquities the most notable absence observable in the billiard room was the absence of the river man if he was there he had taken in his sign he was in disguise i saw there none of the swell airs and graces and ostentatious displays of money and pompous squanderings of it which used to distinguish the steamboat crowd from the dry land crowd in the bygone days in the thronged billiard rooms of st louis in those times the principal saloons were always populous with river men given fifty players present thirty or thirty five were likely to be from the river but i suspected that the ranks were thin now and the steamboat men no longer an aristocracy i in my time they used to call the barkeep bill or joe or tom and flap him on the shoulder i watched for that but none of these people did it manifestly a glory that once was had dissolved and vanished away in these twenty one years when i went up to my room i found there the young man called rogers crying rogers was not his name now there was jones brown dexter fergusson baskin or tomson but he answered to either of these that a body found handy in an emergency or to any other name in fact if he perceived that you meant him he said what is a person to do here when he wants a drink of water drink this slush can't you drink it i could if i had some other water to wash it with here's a thing which had not changed a score of years had not affected this water's mulatto complexion in the least a score of centuries would succeed no better perhaps it comes out of the turbulent bank paving Missouri and every tumbler full of it holds nearly an acre of land in solution i got this fact from the bishop of the diocese if you will let your glass stand half an hour you can separate the land from the water as easy as genesis and then you will find them both good the one good to eat the other good to drink the land is very nourishing the water is thoroughly wholesome the one appeases hunger the other thirst but the natives do not take them separately but together as nature mixed them when they find an inch of mud in the bottom of the glass they stir it up and then take the draft as they would rule it is difficult for a stranger to get used to this batter but once used to it he will prefer it to water this is really the case it is good for steamboating and good to drink but it is worthless for all other purposes except baptizing next morning we drove around town in the rain the city seemed but little changed it was greatly changed but it did not seem so because in st louis as in london and pittsburgh you can't persuade a new thing to look new the coal smoke turns it into an antiquity the moment you take your hand off it the place had just about doubled its size since i was a resident of it and was now become a city of 400 thousand inhabitants still in the solid business parts it looked about as it had looked formally yet i am sure there is not as much smoke in st louis now as there used to be the smoke used to bank itself in a dense billowy black canopy over the town and hide the sky from view this shelter is very much thinner now still there is a sufficiency of smoke there i think i heard no complaint however on the outskirts changes were apparent enough notably in dwelling house architecture the fine new homes are noble and beautiful and modern they stand by themselves too with green bonds around them whereas the dwellings of a former day are packed together in blocks and are all of one pattern with windows all alike set in an arched framework of twisted stone a sort of house which was handsome enough when it was rarer there was another change the forest park this was new to me it is beautiful and very extensive and has the excellent merit of having been made mainly by nature there are other parks and fine ones notably power grove and the botanical gardens for st louis interested herself in such improvements at an earlier day than did the most of our cities the first time i ever saw st louis i could have bought it for six million dollars and it was the mistake of my life that i did not do it it was bitter now to look abroad over this domed and steepled metropolis the solid expanse of bricks and mortar stretching away on every hand into dim measure defying distances and remember that i had allowed that opportunity to go by why i should have allowed it to go by seems of course foolish and inexplicable today at a first glance yet there were reasons at the time to justify this course a scotchman honorable charles augustus murray writing some forty five or fifty years ago said the streets are narrow ill paved and ill lighted those streets are narrow still of course many of them are ill paved yet but the reproach of ill lighting cannot be repeated now the catholic new church was the only notable building then and mr murray was confidently called upon to admire it with its species of greece in portico surmounted by a kind of steeple much too diminutive in its proportions and surmounted by sundry ornaments which the unimaginative scotchman found himself quite unable to describe and therefore was grateful when a german tourist helped him out with the exclamation by they look exactly like bedposts st louis is well equipped with stately and noble public buildings now in a little church which the people used to be so proud of lost its importance a long time ago still this would not surprise mr murray if he could come back for he prophesied the coming greatness of st louis with strong confidence the further we drove in our inspection tour the more sensibly i realized how the city had grown since i had seen it last changes in detail became steadily more apparent and frequent than at first two changes uniformly evidencing progress energy prosperity but the change of changes was on the levy this time a departure from the rule half a dozen sound asleep steamboats where i used to see a solid mile of wide awake ones this was melancholy this was woeful the absence of the pervading and jockened steamboat man from the billiard saloon was explained he was absent because he is no more his occupation is gone his power has passed away he is absorbed into the common herd he grinds at the mill a shorn sampson an inconspicuous half a dozen lifeless steamboats a mile of empty wharves a negro fatigued was whiskey stretched to sleep in a wide and soundless vacancy where the seared hosts of commerce used to contend footnote captain mariat writing 45 years ago says st louis has 20 000 inhabitants the river abreast of the town is crowded with steamboats lying in two or three tiers here was desolation indeed the old old sea as one in tears comes murmuring with foamy lips and knocking at the vacant peers calls for his long-lost multitude of ships the tow boat and the railroad had done their work and done it well and completely the mighty bridge stretching along over our heads had done each share in the slaughter and spoliation remains of former steamboat men told me with one satisfaction that the bridge doesn't pay still it can be no sufficient compensation to a corpse to know that the dynamite that laid him out was not of as good quality as it had been supposed to be the pavements along the riverfront were bad the sidewalks were rather out of repair there was a rich abundance of mud all this was familiar and satisfying but the ancient armies of drays and struggling throngs of men and mountains of freight were gone and sabbath reigned in their stead the immemorial mile of cheap foul doggies remained but business was dull with them the multitudes of poison swelling irish men had departed and in their places were a few scattering handfuls of ragged negroes some drinking some drunk some nodding others asleep saint louis is a great and prosperous and advancing city but the river edge of it seems dead past resurrection mississippi steamboating was born about 1812 at the end of 30 years it had grown into mighty proportions and in less than 30 more it was dead a strangely short life for so majestic a creature of course it is not absolutely dead neither is a crippled octogenarian who could once jump 22 feet on level ground but as contrasted with what it was in its prime vigor mississippi steamboating may be called dead it killed the old-fashioned keelboating by reducing the freight trip to norlands to less than a week the railroads have killed the steamboat passenger traffic by doing in two or three days what the steamboats consumed a week in doing and the towing fleets have killed the through freight traffic by dragging six or seven steamer loads of stuff down the river at a time at an expense so trivial that steamboat competition was out of the question freight and passenger way traffic remains to the steamers this is in the hands along the 2000 miles of river between st paul and norlands of two or three close corporations well fortified with capital and by able and thoroughly business like management and system these make a sufficiency of money out of what is left of the once prodigious steamboating industry i suppose that st lewis and norlands have not suffered materially by the change but a laugh for the woodyard man he used to fringe the river all the way his close ranked merchandise stretched from the one city to the other along the banks and he sold uncountable cords of it every year for cash on the nail but all the scattering boats that are left burn coal now and the seldomest spectacle in the mississippi today is a wood pile where now is the once woodyard man end of chapter 22 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 23 traveling incognito my idea was to tarry a while in every town between st louis and new orleans to do this it would be necessary to go from place to place by the short packed lines it was an easy plan to make and would have been an easy one to follow 20 years ago but not now there are wide intervals between boats these days i wanted to begin with the interesting old french settlements of saint javiev and cascus kia 60 miles below st louis there was only one boat advertised for that section a grand tower packet still one boat was enough so we went down to look at her she was a venerable rack heap and a fraud to boot for she was playing herself for personal property whereas the good honest dirt was so thickly caked all over her that she was righteously taxable as real estate there are places in new england where her hurricane deck would be worth a hundred and fifty dollars an acre the soil on her folks so was quite good the new crop of wheat was already springing from the cracks in protected places the companion way was of a dry sandy character and would have been well suited for grapes with a southern exposure and a little subsoiling the soil of the boiler deck was thin and rocky but good enough for grazing purposes a colored boy was on watch here nobody else visible we gathered from him that this calm craft would go as advertised if she got her trip if she didn't get it she would wait for it has she got any of her trip bless you know boss she ain't unloaded yet she only come in this morning he was uncertain as to when she might get her trip but thought it might be tomorrow or maybe next day this would not answer at all so we had to give up the novelty of sailing down the river on a farm we had one more arrow in our quiver a vicksburg packet the gold dust was to leave at five p.m. we took passage in her for Memphis and gave up the idea of stopping off here and there as being impracticable she was neat clean and comfortable we camped on the boiler deck and bought some cheap literature to kill time with the vendor was a venerable Irish man with a benevolent faith and a tongue that worked easily in the socket and from him we learned that he had lived in st. Louis thirty four years and had never been across the river during that period then he wandered into a very flowing lecture filled with classic names and illusions which was quite wonderful for fluency until the fact became rather apparent that this was not the first time nor perhaps the fiftieth time that the speech had been delivered he was a good deal of a character and much better company than the sappy literature he was selling a random remark connecting Irish men and beer brought this nugget of information out of him they don't drink it sir they can't drink it sir give an Irish man lager for a month and he's a dead man an Irish man is lined with copper and the beer corrodes it but whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him sir at eight o'clock promptly we backed out and crossed the river as we crept toward the shore in the thick darkness a blinding glory of white electric light burst suddenly from our folksal and lit up the water and the warehouses as with a noonday glare another big change this no more flickering smoky pitch dripping ineffectual torch baskets now their day is passed next instead of calling out a score of hands to man the stage a couple of men and a hat full of steam lowered it from the Derek where it was suspended launched it deposited in just the right spot and the whole thing was over and done with before a mate in the olden time could have got his profanity mill adjusted to begin the preparatory services why this new and simple method of handling the stages was not thought of when the first steamboat was built is a mystery which helps one to realize what a dull witted slug the average human being is we finally got away at two in the morning and when i turned out at six we were rounding two at a rocky point where there was an old stone warehouse at any rate the ruins of it two or three decayed dwelling houses were nearby in the shelter of the leafy hills but there were no evidences of human or other animal life to be seen i wondered if i had forgotten the river or i had no recollection whatever of this place the shape of the river too was unfamiliar there was nothing in sight anywhere i could remember ever having seen before i was surprised disappointed and annoyed we put ashore a well-dressed lady and gentleman and two well-dressed lady-like young girls together with sundry russian leather bags a strange place for such folk no carriage was waiting the party moved off as if they had not expected any and struck down a winding country road afoot but the mystery was explained when we got underway again for these people were evidently bound for a large town which lay shut in behind a tow-head i.e. new island a couple of miles below this landing i couldn't remember that town i couldn't place it couldn't call its name so i lost part of my temper i suspected it might be saint jenovive and so it proved to be observe what this eccentric river had been about it had built up this huge useless tow-head directly in front of this town cut off its river communications fenced it away completely and made a country town of it it is a final place too and deserved a better fate it was settled by the french and is a relic of a time when one could travel from the miles of the mississippi to kebek and be on french territory and under french rule all the way presently i ascended to the hurricane deck and cast a longing glance toward the pilot house end of chapter 23 this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 24 my incognito is exploded after a close study of the face of the pilot on watch i was satisfied that i had never seen him before so i went up there the pilot inspected me i reinspected the pilot these customary preliminaries over i sat down on the high bench and he faced about and went on with his work every detail of the pilot house was familiar to me with one exception a large mouth tube under the best board i puzzled over that thing at considerable time then gave up and asked what it was for to hear the engine bell through it was another good contrivance which ought to have been invented half a century sooner so i was thinking when the pilot asked do you know what this rope is for i managed to get around this question without committing myself is this the first time you were ever in a pilot house i crept under that one where are you from new england first time you have ever been west i climbed over this one if you take an interest in such things i can tell you what all these things are for i said i should like it this putting his hand on a backing bell rope is to sound the fire alarms this putting his hand on a go ahead bell is to call the texas tender this one indicating the whistle lever is to call the captain and so he went on touching one object after another and reeling off his tranquil spool of lies i had never felt so like a passenger before i thanked him with emotion for each new fact and wrote it down in my notebook the pilot warmed to his opportunity and proceeded to load me up in the good old fashioned way at times i was afraid he was going to rupture his invention but it always stood the strain and he pulled through all right he drifted by easy stages into revealments of the river's marvelous eccentricities of one sort and another and back them up with some pretty gigantic illustrations for instance do you see that little boulder sticking out of the water yonder well when i first came on the river that was a solid ridge of rock over 60 feet high and two miles long all washed away but that this with a sigh i had a mighty impulse to destroy him but it seemed to me that killing in any ordinary way would be too good for him once when an odd looking craft with a vast coals scuttle slanting aloft on the end of a beam was steaming by in the distance he indifferently drew attention to it as one might to an object grown weary some through familiarity and observed that it was an alligator boat an alligator boat what's it for to dredge out alligators with are they so thick as to be troublesome well not now because the government keeps them down but they used to be not everywhere but in favorite places here and there where the river is wide and shoal like plum point and stack island and so on places they call alligator beds did they actually impede navigation years ago yes in very low water there was hardly a trip then that we didn't get a ground on alligators it seemed to me that i should certainly have to get out my tomahawk however i restrained myself and said it must have been dreadful yes it was one of the main difficulties about piloting it was so hard to tell anything about the water the damn things shift around so never lie still five minutes at a time you can tell a wind reef straight off by the look of it you can tell a break you can tell a sand reef that's all easy but an alligator reef doesn't show up worth anything nine times in ten you can't tell where the water is and when you do see where it is like it's not it ain't there when you get there the devils swapped around so meantime of course there were some few pilots that could judge of alligator water nearly as well as they could have any other kind but they had to have natural talent for it it wasn't a thing a body could learn you had to be born with it let me see there was ben thornberg and beck jolly and squire bell and hoarse bixby and major downing and john stevensson and billy gordon and jim brady and george ealer and billy youngblood all a one alligator pilots they could tell alligator water as far as another christian could tell whiskey read it ah couldn't they though i only wish i had as many dollars as they could read alligator water a mile and a half off yes and it paid them to do it too a good alligator pilot could always get fifteen hundred dollars a month knights other people had to lay up for alligators but those fellows never laid up for alligators they never laid up for anything but fog they could smell the best alligator water it was said i don't know whether it was so or not but and i think a body's got his hands full enough if he sticks to just what he knows himself without going around backing up other people's say so's though there's a plenty that ain't backward about doing it as long as they can roust out something wonderful to tell which is not the style of robert stiles by as much as three phantom maybe quarter less my was this robert stiles this mustached and stately figure a slim enough cub in my time how he has improved in comeliness in five and twenty year and in the noble art of inflating his facts after these musings i said aloud i should think that dredging out the alligators wouldn't have done much good because they could come back again right away if you had had as much experience of alligators as i have you wouldn't talk like that you dredge an alligator once and he's convinced it's the last you hear of him he wouldn't come back for pie if there's one thing that an alligator is more down on than another it's being dredged besides they were not simply subbed out of the way the most of the scoop fuller scooped aboard they emptied them into the hold and when they had got a trip they took them to orleans to the government what for why to make soldier shoes out of their hides all the government shoes are made of alligator hide it makes the best shoes in the world they last five years and they won't absorb water the alligator fishery is a government monopoly all the alligators are government property just like the live oaks you cut down a live oak and government finds you fifty dollars you kill an alligator and up you go for misprison of treason lucky duck if they don't hang you too and they will if you're a democrat the buzzard is the sacred bird of the south and you can't touch him the alligator is the sacred bird of the government and you've got to let him alone you ever get a ground on the alligators now oh no it hasn't happened for years well then why do they still keep the alligator boats in service well just for police duty nothing more they nearly go up and down now and then the present generation of alligators know them as easy as a burglar knows a roundsman when they see one coming they break camp and go for the woods after rounding out and finishing up and polishing off the alligator business he dropped easily and comfortably into the historical vein and told of some tremendous feats of half a dozen old-time steamboats of his acquaintance dwelling at special length upon a certain extraordinary performance of his chief favorite among this distinguished fleet and then adding that boat was the cyclone last trip she ever made she sunk that very trip captain was tom belue the most immortal liar that ever I struck he couldn't ever seem to tell the truth in any kind of weather why he would make you fairly shutter he was the most scandalous liar I left him finally I couldn't stand it the proverb says like master like man and if you stay with that kind of a man you'll come under a suspicion by and by just as sure as you live he paid first class wages but I said what's wages when your reputation's in danger so I let the wages go and froze to my reputation and I've never regretted it reputation's worth everything needed that's the way I look at it he had more selfish organs than any seven men in the world all packed in the stern sheets of his skull of course where they belonged they weighed down the back of his head so that it made his nose tilt up in the air people thought it was vanity but it wasn't it was malice if you only saw his foot you take him to be 19 feet high but he wasn't it was because his foot was out of drawing he was intended to be 19 feet high no doubt if his foot was made first but he didn't get there he was only five feet 10 but that's what he was and that's what he is you take the lies out of him and he'll shrink to the size of your hat you take the malice out of him and he'll disappear that cyclone was a rattler to go and the sweetest thing to steer that ever walked the waters set her amid ships in a big river and just let her go there's all you had to do she would hold herself on a star all night if you let her alone you couldn't ever feel her rudder it wasn't any more labor to steer her than it is to count the republican vote in the south carolina election one morning just a daybreak the last trip she ever made they took her rudder aboard to mend it I didn't know anything about it I backed her out from the woodyard and went a weaving down the river all serene when I had gone about 23 miles and made four horribly crooked crossings without any rudder yes old captain tom appeared on the roof and began to find fault with me for running such a dark night such a dark night why you said never mind what I said it was as dark as Egypt now though pretty soon the moon began to rise and what do you mean the sun because you started out just at the break of well look here was this before you put in the captain on account of his lying or it was before a long time before and as I was saying he but was this the trip she sunk or was oh no months afterward so the old man he then she made two last trips because you said he stepped back from the wheels swabbing away his perspiration and said here calling me by name you take her and lie a while you're handier out of than I am trying to play yourself for a stranger and an innocent well I knew you before you had spoken seven words and I made up my mind to find out what was your little game it was to draw me out well I let you didn't I now take the wheel and finish the watch and next time place fair and you won't have to work your passage us ended the fictitious name business and not six hours I couldn't St. Louis but I had gained a privilege anyway for I had been itching to get my hands on the wheel from the beginning I seem to have forgotten the river but I hadn't forgotten how to steer a steamboat nor how to enjoy it either end of chapter 24 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 25 from Cairo to Hickman the scenery from St. Louis to Cairo 200 miles is varied and beautiful the hills were closed in the fresh foliage of spring now and we're a gracious and worthy setting for the broad river flowing between our trip began auspiciously with a perfect day as to breeze and sunshine and our boat threw the miles out behind her with satisfactory dispatch we found a railway intruding at Chester Illinois Chester has also a penitentiary now and is otherwise marching on at Grand Tower too there was a railway and another at Cape Girardeau the former town gets its name from a huge squat pillar of rock which stands up out of the water on the Missouri side of the river a piece of nature's fanciful handiwork and is one of the most picturesque features of the scenery of that region for nearer or remote neighbors the tower has the devil's bake oven so called perhaps because it does not powerfully resemble anybody else's bake oven and the devil's tea table this latter a great smooth surfaced mass of rock was diminishing wine glass stem perched some 50 or 60 feet above the river beside of the flowered and garlanded precipice and sufficiently like a tea table to answer for anybody devil or Christian away down the river we have the devil's elbow and the devil's race course and lots of other property of his which I cannot now call to mind the town of Grand Tower was evidently a busier place than it had been in old times but it seemed to need some repairs here and there and a new coat of whitewash all over still it was pleasant to me to see the old coat once more uncle Mumford our second officer said the place had been suffering from high water and consequently was not looking at best now but he said it was not strange that it didn't waste whitewash on itself for more lime was made there and of a better quality than anywhere in the west and added on a dairy farm you never can get any milk for your coffee nor any sugar for it on a sugar plantation and it is against sense to go to a limetown to hunt for whitewash in my own experience I knew the first two items to be true and also that people who sell candy don't care for candy therefore there was pausability in uncle Mumford's final observation that people who make lime run more to religion than whitewash uncle Mumford said further that Grand Tower was a great polling center and a prospering place Jirardot is situated on a hillside and makes a handsome appearance there is a great Jesuit school for boys at the foot of the town by the river uncle Mumford said it had as high reputation for thoroughness as any similar institution in Missouri there was another college higher up on an airy summit a bright new edifice picturesquely and peculiarly towered and pinnacled a sort of gigantic caster with the crew it's all complete uncle Mumford said that Cape Jirardot was the Athens of Missouri and contained several colleges besides those already mentioned and all of them on a religious basis of one kind or another he directed my attention to what he called the strong and pervasive religious look of the town but I could not see that it looked more religious than the other hill towns with the same slope and built of the same kind of bricks partialities often make people see more than really exists uncle Mumford has been 30 years a mate on the river he is a man of practical sense and a level head has observed has had much experience of one sort in another has opinions has also just a perceptible dash of poetry in his composition an easy gift of speech a thick growl in his voice and an ulcer too where he can get at them when the exigencies of his office require a spiritual lift he is a mate of the blessed old time kind and goes gravely damning around when there is work to the fore in a way to mellow the esteem boatman's heart with sweet soft longings for the vanished days that shall come no more get up there you there'll be all day why aren't you saying you was petrified in your hind legs before you shipped he is a steady man with his crew kind and just but firm so they like him and stay with him he is still in the slouchy garb of the old generation of mates but next trip the anchor line will have him in uniform a natty blue naval uniform with brass buttons along with all the officers of the line and then he will be a totally different style of scenery from what he is now uniforms on the Mississippi it beats all the other changes put together for surprise still there is another surprise that it was not made 50 years ago it is so manifestly sensible that it might have been thought of earlier one would suppose during 50 years out there the innocent passenger in need of help and information has been mistaking the mate for the cook and the captain for the barber and being roughly entertained for it too but his troubles are ended now and a greatly improved aspect of the boat staff is another advantage achieved by the dress reform period steered down the bend below Cape Girardu they used to call it steersman's bend plain sailing and plenty of water in it always about the only place in the upper river that a new club was allowed to take a boat through in low water thieves at the head of the grand chain and commerce at the foot of it were towns easily rememberable as they had not undergone conspicuous alteration nor the chain either in the nature of things for it is a chain of sunken rocks admirably arranged to capture and kill steamboats on bad nights a good many steamboat corpses lie buried there out among the rest my first friend the paul jones she knocked her bottom out and went down like a pot so the historian told me uncle mumford he said she had a grey mare aboard and a preacher to me this sufficiently accounted for the disaster as it did of course to mumford who added but there are many ignorant people who would scoff at such a matter and call it superstition but you will always notice that there are people who have never traveled with a grey mare and a preacher i went down the river once in such company we grounded at bloody island we grounded at hanging dog we grounded just below this same commerce we jolted beaver damn rock we hit one of the worst breaks in the graveyard behind goose island we had a roust about killed in a fight we burnt a boiler broke a shaft collapsed the flu and went into caro with nine feet of water in the hold may have been more may have been less i remember it as if it were yesterday the man lost their heads with terror they painted the mare blue in sight of town and threw the preacher overboard or we should not have arrived at all the preacher was fished out and saved he acknowledged himself that he had been to blame i remember it all was that it were yesterday that this combination of preacher and grey mare should breed calamity seems strange and at first glance unbelievable but the fact is fortified by so much unassailable proof that to doubt is to dishonor reason i myself remember a case where a captain was warned by numerous friends against taking a grey mare and a preacher with him but persisted in his purpose in spite of all that could be said and the same day it may have been the next and some say it was though i think it was the same day he got drunk and fell down the hatch way and is born to his home a corpse this is literally true no vestige of hat island is left now every shred of it is washed away i do not even remember what part of the river it used to be in except that it was between st louis and caro somewhere it was a bad region all around and about hat island in early days a farmer who lived on the illinois shore there said that 29 steam boats had left their bones strung along with insight from his house between st louis and caro the steamboat wrecks average one to the mile 200 racks all together i could recognize big changes from commerce down beaver dam rock was out in the middle of the river now and throwing a prodigious break it used to be close to the shore and boats went down outside of it a big island that used to be a way out in mid river has retired to the missouri shore and boats did not go near it anymore the island called jacket pattern is whittled down to a wedge now and is booked for early destruction goose island is all gone but a little dab the size of a steamboat the perilous graveyard among whose numberless wrecks we used to pick our way so slowly and gingerly is far away from the channel now and a terror to nobody one of the islands formerly called the two sisters is gone entirely the other which used to lie close to the illinois shore is now on the missouri side a mile away it is joined solidly to the shore and it takes a sharp eye to see where the seam is but it is illinois ground yet and the people who live on it have to ferry themselves over and work the illinois roads and pay illinois taxes singular state of things near the mouse of the river several islands were missing washed away caro was still there easily visible across the long flat point upon whose further verge it stands but we had to steam a long way around to get to it night fell as we were going out of the upper river and meeting the floods of the ohio we dashed along without anxiety for the hidden rock which used to lie right in the way has moved upstream a long distance out of the channel or rather about one county has gone into the river from the missouri point and the caro point has made down and added to its long tongue of territory correspondingly the mississippi is a just an equitable river it never tumbles one man's farm overboard without building a new farm just like it for that man's neighbor this keeps down hard feelings going into caro we came near killing a steamboat which paid no attention to our whistle and then tried to cross our vows by doing some strong backing we saved him which was a great loss for he would have made good literature caro is a brisk town now and is substantially built and has a city look about it which is in noticeable contrast to its former estate as per mr. dickens portrait of it however it was already building with bricks when i had seen it last which was when colonel now general grant was drilling his first command there uncle munford says the libraries and sunday schools have done a good work in caro as well as the brickmasons caro has a heavy railroad and river trade and her situation at the junction of the two great rivers is so advantageous that she cannot well help prospering when i turned out in the morning we had passed columbus kentucky and were approaching hickman a pretty town perched on a handsome hill hickman is in a rich tobacco region and formally enjoyed a great and lucrative trade in that staple collecting it there in her warehouses from a large area of country and shipping it by boat but uncle munford says she built a railway to facilitate this commerce a little more and he thinks it facilitated it the wrong way took the bulk of the trade out of her hands by collaring it along the line without gathering it at her doors end of chapter twenty five this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox dot org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter twenty six under fire talk began to run upon the war now for we were getting down into the upper edge of the former battle stretch by this time columbus was just behind us so there was a good deal said about the famous battle of belmont several of the boat's officers had been seen active service in the mississippi war fleet i gathered that they found themselves sadly out of their element in that kind of business at first but afterward got accustomed to it reconciled to it and more or less at home in it one of our pilots had his first war experience in the belmont fight as a pilot on a boat into confederate service i had often had a curiosity to know how a green hand might feel in his maiden battle perched all solitary and alone on high in a pilot house a target for tom dick and harry and nobody at his elbow to shame him from showing the white feather when matters grew hot and perilous around him so to me his story was valuable it filled a gap for me which all histories had left till that time empty the pilot's first battle he said it was the seventh of november the fight began at seven in the morning i was on the rhw hill took over a load of troops from columbus came back and took over a battery of artillery my partner said he was going to see the fight wanted me to go along i said no i wasn't anxious i would look at it from the pilot house he said i was a coward and left that fight was an awful sight general cheaton made his men stripped their coats off and throw them in a pile and said now follow me to hell or victory i heard him say that from the pilot house and then he galloped in at the head of his troops old general pillow with his white hair mounted on a white horse sailed in to leading his troops as lively as a boy by and by the federals chased the rebels back and here they came tearing along everybody for himself and devil take the hindmost and down under the bank they scrambled and took shelter i was sitting with my legs hanging out with the pilot house window all at once i noticed a whizzing sound passing my ear judged it was a bullet i didn't stop to think about anything i just tilted over backwards and landed on the floor and stayed there the balls were booming round three cannon balls went through the chimney one ball took off the corner of the pilot house shells were screaming and bursting all around mighty warm times i wished i hadn't come i lay there on the pilot house floor while the shots came faster and faster i crept in behind the big stove in the middle of the pilot house presently a mini ball came through the stove it just grazed my head and cut my hat i judged it was time to go away from there the captain was on the roof with the redheaded major from benfus a fine-looking man i heard him say he wanted to leave here but that pilot is killed i crept over to the starboard side to pull the bell to set her back raised up and took a look and i saw about 15 shot holes through the window panes had come so lively i hadn't noticed them i glanced out on the water and the spattering shot were like hail storm i thought best to get out of that place i went down the pilot house guy head first not feet first but head first slid down before i struck the deck the captain said we must leave there so i climbed up the guy and got on the floor again about that time they collared my partner and were bringing him up to the pilot house between two soldiers somebody had said i was killed he put his head in and saw me on the floor reaching for the backing bells he said oh hell he ain't shot and jerked away from the men who had him by the collar and ran below we were there until three o'clock in the afternoon and then got away all right the next time i saw my partner i said now come out be honest and tell me the truth where did you go when you went to see that battle he says i went down in the hold all through that fight i was scared nearly to death i hardly knew anything i was so frightened but you see nobody knew that but me next day general polk sentry and praised me for my bravery and gallant conduct i never said anything i let it go at that i judged it wasn't so but it was not for me to contradict a general officer pretty soon after that i was sick and used up and had to go off to hot springs when there i got a good many letters from commanders saying they wanted me to come back i declined because i wasn't well enough or strong enough but i kept still and kept the reputation i had made a plain story straightforwardly told but monford told me that that pilot had gilded that scare of his in spots that his subsequent career in the war was proof of it we struck down through the chute of island number eight and i went below and fell into conversation with a passenger a handsome man with easy carriage and an intelligent face we were approaching island number ten a place so celebrated during the war this gentleman's home was on the main shore in its neighborhood i had some talk with him about the war times but presently the discourse fell upon feuds or in no part of the south as the vendetta flourished more briskly or held out longer between warring families than in this particular region this gentleman said there's been more than one feud around here in old times but i reckon the worst one was between the darnels and the wachsons nobody don't know now what the first quarrel was about it's so long ago the darnels and the wachsons don't know if there's any of them living which i don't think there is some says it was about a horse or a cow anyway it was a little matter the money in it wasn't of no consequence none in the world both families was rich the thing could have been fixed up easy enough but no that wouldn't do rough words have been passed and so nothing but blood could fix it up after that that horse or cow whichever it was cost 60 years of killing and crippling every year or so somebody was shot on one side or the other and as fast as one generation was laid out their sons took up the feud and kept it a going and it's just as i say they went on shooting each other year in and year out making a kind of religion of it you see till they'd done forgot long ago what it was all about wherever a darnel caught a watson or a watson caught a darnel one of them was going to get hurt only question was which of them got the drop on the other they'd shoot one another down right in the presence of the family they hadn't hunt for each other but when they happened to meet they puffed and begun men would shoot boys boys would shoot them a man shot a boy 12 years old happened on him in the woods and didn't give him no chance if he had given him a chance the boy to shot him both families belong to the same church everybody around here is religious through all this 50 or 60 years fuss both tribes was there every Sunday to worship they lived each side of the line and the church was at a landing called compromise half the church and half the aisle was in Kentucky the other half in Tennessee Sundays you'd see the families drive up all in their Sunday clothes men women and children and file up the aisle and set down quiet and orderly one locked on the Tennessee side of the church and the other on the Kentucky side and the men and boys would lean their guns up against the wall handy and then all hands would join in with the prayer and praise though they say the man next the aisle didn't kneel down along with the rest of the family kind of stood guard I don't know never was it that church in my life but I remember that that's what used to be said 20 or 25 years ago one of the feud families caught a young man of 19 out and killed him don't remember whether it was the darn elves and wasans or one of the other feuds but anyway this young man rode up a steamboat laying there at the time and the first thing he saw was a whole gang of the enemy he jumped down behind a wood pile but they rode around and begun on him he firing back and they galloping and cavorting and yelling and banging away with all their might think he wounded a couple of them but they closed in on him and chased him into the river and as he swung along downstream they followed along the bank and kept on shooting at him and when he struck shore he was dead Wendy Marshall told me about it he saw it he was captain of the boat years ago the darn elves was so thinned out that the old man and his two sons concluded they'd leave the country they started to take steamboat just above number ten but the watson's got wind of it and they arrived just as the two young darn elves was walking up the companion way with their wives on their arms the fight begun then and they never got no further both of them killed after that old Darnell got into trouble with a man that run the ferry and the ferryman got the worst of it and died but his friends shot old Darnell through and through filled in full of bullets and ended him the country gentlemen who told me these things had been reared in ease and comfort was a man of good parts and was college bread his loose grammar was the fruit of careless habit not ignorance this habit among educated men in the west is not universal but it is prevalent prevalent in the town certainly if not in the cities and to a degree which one cannot help noticing and marveling at I heard a westerner who would be accounted a highly educated man in any country say never mind don't make no difference anyway a lifelong resident who was present heard it but it made no impression upon her she was able to recall the fact afterward when reminded of it but she confessed that the words had not grated upon her ear at the time a confession which suggests that if educated people can hear such blasphemous grammar from such a source and be unconscious of the deed the crime must be tolerably common so common that the general ear has become dulled by familiarity with it and is no longer alert no longer sensitive to such a fronts no one in the world speaks blemishless grammar no one has ever written it no one either in the world or out of it taking the scriptures for evidence on the latter point therefore it would not be fair to exact grammatical perfection from the peoples of the valley but they and all other peoples may justly be required to refrain from knowingly and purposefully debauching their grammar I found the river greatly changed at island number 10 the island which I remembered was some three miles long and a quarter of a mile wide heavily timbered and lay near the Kentucky shore within 200 yards of it I should say now however one had to hunt for it with a spyglass nothing was left of it but an insignificant little tuft and this was no longer near the Kentucky shore it was clear over against the opposite shore a mile away in war times the island had been an important place for it commanded the situation and being heavily fortified there was no getting by it it lay between the upper and lower divisions of the union forces and kept them separate until a junction was finally affected across the Missouri neck of land but the island being itself joined to that neck now the wide river is without obstruction in this region the river passes from Kentucky into Tennessee back into Missouri then back into Kentucky and then into Tennessee again so a mile or two of Missouri sticks over into Tennessee the town of New Madrid was looking very unwell but otherwise unchanged from its former condition and aspect its blocks of frame houses were still grouped in the same old flat plain and environed by the same old forests it was as tranquil as formerly and apparently had neither grown nor diminished in size it was said that the recent high water had invaded it and damaged its looks this was surprising news for in low water the riverbank is very high there 50 feet and in my day an overflow had always been considered an possibility this present flood of 1882 will doubtless be celebrated in the river's history for several generations before a deluge of like magnitude shall be seen it could all the unprotected lowlands underwater from Cairo to the mouse it broke down the levees in a great many places on both sides of the river and in some region south when the flood was at its highest the Mississippi was 70 miles wide a number of lives were lost and the destruction of property was fearful the crops were destroyed houses washed away and shelterless men and cattle forced to take refuge on scattering elevations here and there in field and forest and wait in peril and suffering until the boats put in commission by the national and local governments and by newspaper enterprise could come and rescue them the properties of multitudes of people were underwater for months and the poorer ones must have starved by the hundreds if soccer had not been promptly afforded footnote for a detailed and interesting description of the great flood written on board of the New Orleans Times Democrats relief boat see appendix a the water had been falling during a considerable time now yet as a rule we found the banks still underwater end of chapter 26 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox dot org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 27 some imported articles we met two steamboats at New Madrid two steamboats in sight at once an infrequent spectacle now in the lonesome Mississippi the loneliness of this solemn stupendous flood is impressive and depressing league after league and still league after league it pours its chocolate tied along between its solid forest walls it's almost untenanted chores with seldom a sale or a moving object of any kind to disturb the surface and break the monotony of the blank watery solitude and so the day goes the night comes and again the day and still the same night after night and day after day majestic unchanging sameness of serenity repose tranquility lethargy vacancy symbol of eternity realization of the heaven pictured by priest and prophet and longed for by the good and thoughtless immediately after the war of 1812 tourists began to come to America from England scattering ones at first then a sort of procession of them a procession which kept up its plotting patient march through the land during many many years each tourist took notes and went home and published a book a book which was usually calm truthful reasonable kind but which seemed just the reverse to our tender-footed progenitors a glance at these tourist books shows us that in certain of its aspects the Mississippi has undergone no change since those strangers visited it but remains today about as it was then the emotions produced in those foreign breasts by these aspects were not all formed on one pattern of course they had to be various along at first because the earlier tourists were obliged to originate their emotions whereas in older countries one can always borrow emotions from one's predecessors and mind you emotions are among the toughest things in the world to manufacture out of whole cloth it is easier to manufacture seven facts than one emotion captain basal hall rn writing 55 years ago says here i caught the first glimpse of the object i had so long wished to behold and felt myself amply repaid at that moment for all the trouble i had experienced in coming so far and stood looking at the river flowing past till it was too dark to distinguish anything but it was not till i had visited the same spot a dozen times that i came to a right comprehension of the grandeur of the scene following our mrs trollop's emotions she is writing a few months later in the same year 1827 and is coming in at the mouth of the mississippi the first indication of our approach to land was the appearance of this mighty river pouring forth its muddy mass of waters and mingling with a deep blue of the mexican gulf i never beheld a scene so utterly desolate as this entrance of the mississippi had done to seen it he might have drawn images of another borgia from its horrors one only object rears itself above the eddying waters this is the mass of a vessel long since wrecked in attempting to cross the bar and it still stands a dismal witness of the destruction that has been and a boating profit of that which is to come emotions of honorable charles augustus murray near st louis seven years later it is only when you ascend the mighty current for 50 or 100 miles and use the eye of imagination as well as that of nature that you begin to understand all his might and majesty you see him fertilizing a boundless valley bearing along in his course the trophies of his thousand victories over the shattered forest here carrying away large masses of soil with all their growth and their forming islands destined at some future period to be the residents of man and while indulging in this prospect it is then time for reflection to suggest that the current before you has flowed through two or three thousand miles and has yet to travel one thousand three hundred more before reaching its ocean destination receive now the emotions of captain mariat are in author of the details writing in 1837 three years after mr murray never perhaps in the records of nations was there an instance of a century of such unvarying and unmitigated crime as is to be collected from the history of the turbulent and blood stained mississippi the stream itself appears as if appropriate for the deeds which have been committed it is not like most rivers beautiful to the site bestowing fertility in its course not one that the eye loves to dwell upon as it sweeps along nor can you wander upon its banks or trust yourself without danger to its stream it is a furious rapid desolating torrent loaded with alluvial soil and few of those who are received into its waters ever rise again footnote there was a foolish superstition of some little prevalence in that day that the mississippi would neither buoy up of swimmer nor permit a drowned person's body to rise to the surface or can support themselves along upon its surface without assistance from some friendly log it contains the coarsest and most un-eatable of fish such as the catfish and such genus and as you descend its banks are occupied with the fetid alligator while the panther basks at its edge in the cane breaks almost impervious to man pouring its impetuous waters through wild tracks covered with trees of little value except for firewood it sweeps down whole forests in its course which disappear into mulchuous confusion whirled away by the stream now loaded with the masses of soil which nourish their roots often blocking up and changing for a time the channel of the river which as if in anger at its being opposed inundates and devastates the whole country round and as soon as it forces its way through its former channel plants in every direction the uprooted monarchs of the forest upon whose branches the bird will never again perch or the raccoon the opossum or the squirrel climb as traps to the adventurous navigators of its waters by steam who borne down upon these concealed dangers which pierce through the planks very often have not time to steer for and gain the shore before they sink to the bottom there are no pleasing associations connected with the great common sewer of the western america which pours out its mud into the mexican gulf polluting the clear blue sea for many miles beyond its mouth it is a river of desolation and instead of reminding you like other beautiful rivers of an angel which has descended for the benefit of man you imagine it a devil whose energies have been only overcome by the wonderful power of steam it is pretty crude literature for a man accustomed to handling a pen still as a panorama of the emotions sent weltering through this noted visitor's breast by the aspect and traditions of the great common sewer it has a value a value though marred in the matter of statistics by inaccuracies for the catfish is a plenty good enough fish for anybody and there are no panthers that are impervious to man later still comes alexander mckay of the middle temple barrister at law with a better digestion and no catfish dinner aboard and feels as follows the mississippi it was with indescribable emotions that i first felt myself afloat upon its waters how often in my schoolboy dreams and in my waking visions afterwards had my imagination pictured to itself the lordly stream rolling with tumultuous current through the boundless region to which it has given its name and gathering into itself in its course to the ocean the tributary waters of almost every latitude in the temperate zone here it was then in its reality and i at length steaming against its tide i looked upon it with that reverence with which everyone must regard a great feature of external nature so much for the emotions the tourists one and all remark upon the deep brooding loneliness and desolation of the vast river captain dazzle hall who saw it at flood stage says sometimes we passed along distances of twenty or thirty miles without seeing a single habitation an artist in search of hints for a painting of the deluge would here have found them in abundance the first shall be last etc just two hundred years ago the old original first and gallantist of all the foreign tourists pioneer head of the procession ended his weary and tedious discovery voyage down the solemn stretches of the great river lasal whose name will last as long as the river itself shall last we quote from mr parkman and now they neared their journey's end on the sixth of april the river divided itself into three broad channels lasal followed that of the west and dot re that of the east while tony took the middle passage as he drifted down the turbid current between the low and marshy shores the brackish water changed to brine and the breeze grew fresh with the salt breath of the sea then the broad bosom of the great gulf opened on his site tossing its restless billows limitless voiceless lonely is when born of chaos without a sale without a sign of life then on a spot of solid ground lasal reared a column bearing the arms of france the french men were mustered under arms and while the new england indians and their squaws looked on in wondering silence they chanted the today um the xaudiat and the domini salvam facre gem then whilst the musketry volleyed and rejoicing shouts burst forth the victoria's discoverer planted the column and made proclamation in a loud voice taking formal possession of the river and the vast countries watered by it in the name of the king the column bore this inscription louis le grand roi de france et de navarre reigne le neuvième avril 1692 norleans intended to fittingly celebrate this present year the bicentennial anniversary of this illustrious event but when the time came all her energies and surplus money were required in other directions for the flood was upon the land then making havoc and devastation everywhere end of chapter 27 this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 28 uncle monford unloads all day we swung along down the river and had the stream almost holy to ourselves formally at such a stage of the water we should have passed acres of lumber rafts and dozens of big coal barges also occasional little trading scows peddling along from farm to farm with the peddler's family on board possibly a random scow bearing a humble hamlet and company on an itinerant dramatic trip but these were all absent far along in the day we saw one steamboat just one and no more she was lying at rest in the shade within the wooded mouth of the obion river the spyglass revealed the fact that she was named for me or he was named for me whichever you prefer as this was the first time i had ever encountered this species of honor it seems excusable to mention it and at the same time call the attention of the authorities to the tardiness of my recognition of it noted a big change in the river at island twenty one it was a very large island and used to be out toward midstream but it is joined fast to the main shore now and has retired from business as an island as we approached famous and formidable plum point darkness fell but that was nothing to shudder about in these modern times for now the national government has turned the Mississippi into a sort of two thousand mile torchlight procession in the head of every crossing and in the foot of every crossing the government has set up a clear burning lamp you are never entirely in the dark now there is always a beacon in sight either before you or behind you or abreast one might almost say that lamps have been squandered there dozens of crossings are lighted which were not shoal when they were created and have never been shoals since crossings so plain too and also so straight that a steamboat can take herself through them without any help after she has been through once lamps in such places are of course not wasted it is much more convenient and comfortable for a pilot to hold on them than on a spread of formless blackness that won't stay still and money is saved to the boat at the same time for she can of course make more miles with her rudder image ships than she can with it squared across her stern and holding her back but this thing has knocked the romance out of piloting to a large extent it and some other things together have knocked all the romance out of it for instance the peril from snags is not now what it once was the government's snag boats go patrolling up and down in these matter of fact days pulling the river's teeth they have rooted out all the old clusters which made many localities so formidable and they allow no new ones to collect formerly if your boat got away from you on a black night and broke for the woods it was an anxious time with you so was it also when you were groping your way through solidified darkness in a narrow chute but all that has changed now you flash out your electric light transform night into day in the twinkling of an eye and your perils and anxieties are at an end Horace Bixby and George Ritchie have charted the crossings and laid out the courses by compass they have invented a lamp to go with the chart and have patented the whole with these helps one may run in the fog now with considerable security and with a confidence unknown in the old days with these abundant beacons the banishment of snags plenty of daylight in a box and ready to be turned on whenever needed at a chart and compass to fight the fog with piloting at a good stage of water is now nearly as safe and simple as driving stage and is hardly more than three times as romantic and now in these few days these days of infinite change the anchor line have raised the captain above the pilot by giving him the bigger wages of the two this was going far but they have not stopped there they have decreed that the pilot shall remain at his post and stand his watch clear through whether the boat be underway or tied up to the shore we that were once the aristocrats of the river can't go to bed now as we used to do and sleep while a hundred tons of freight are lugged aboard no we must sit in the pilot house and keep awake too verily we are being treated like a parcel of mates and engineers the government has taken away the romance of our calling the company has taken away its state and dignity one point looked as it had always looked by night with the exception that now there were beacons to mark the crossings and also a lot of other lights on the point and along its shore these latter glinting from the fleet of the united states river commission and from a village which the officials have built on the land for offices and for the employees of the service the military engineers of the commission have taken upon their shoulders the job of making the Mississippi over again a job transcended in size by only the original job of creating it they are building wing dams here and there to deflect the current and dykes to confine it in narrower bounds and other dykes to make it stay there and for unnumbered miles along the Mississippi they are felling the timber front for fifty yards back with a purpose of shaving the bank down to low watermark with a slant of a house roof and ballasting it with stones and in many places they have protected the wasting shores with rows of piles one who knows the Mississippi will promptly avert not allowed but to himself that ten thousand river commissions with the minds of the world at their back cannot tame that lawless stream cannot curb it or confine it cannot say to it go here or go there and make it a bay cannot save a shore which it has sentenced cannot bar its path with an obstruction which it will not tear down dance over and laugh at but a discreet man will not put these things into spoken words for the West Point engineers have not their superiors anymore they know all that can be known of their abstruse science and so since they conceive that they can better and handcuff that river and boss him it is but wisdom for the unscientific man to keep still lilo and wait till they do it captain eads with his jetties has done a work at the mouth of the Mississippi which seemed clearly impossible so we do not feel full confidence now to prophesy against like impossibilities otherwise one would pipe out and say the commission might as well bully the comets in their courses and undertake to make them behave as try to bully the Mississippi into right and reasonable conduct I consulted uncle Mumford concerning this and cognate matters and I give here the result stenographically reported and therefore to be relied on as being full and correct except that I have here and there left out remarks which were addressed to the men such as where in blazes are you going with that barrel now and which seem to me to break the flow of the written statement without compensating by adding to its information or its clearness not that I have ventured to strike out all such interjections I have removed only those which were obviously irrelevant wherever one occurred which I felt any question about I have judged it safest to let it remain uncle Mumford's impressions uncle Mumford said as long as I have been made of a steamboat 30 years I have watched this river and studied it maybe I could have learned more about it at West Point but if I believe it I wish I may be what are you sucking your fingers there for color that tag of nails four years at West Point and plenty of books and schooling will learn a man a good deal I reckon but it won't learn him the river you turn one of those little European rivers over to this commission with its hard bottom and clear water and it would just be a holiday job for them to wallet and pilot and like it and tame it down and boss it around and make it go wherever they wanted it to and stay where they put and do just as they said every time but this ain't that kind of river they have started in here with big confidence and the best intentions in the world but they are going to get left what does Ecclesiastes 713 say says enough to knock their little game galley west on it now you look at their methods once there at devil's island in the upper river they wanted the water to go one way the water wanted to go another so they put up a stone wall but what does this river care for a stone wall when it got ready and just bulge through it maybe they can build another that will stay that is up there but not down here they can't down here in the lower river they drive some pegs to turn the water away from the shore and stop it from slicing off the bank very well don't it go straight over and cut somebody else's bank certainly are they going to peg all the banks why they could buy ground and build a new Mississippi cheaper they are pegging bulletin toe head now they won't do any good if the river has got a mortgage on that island it will foreclose sure pegs or no pegs the way down yonder they have driven two rows of piles straight through the middle of a dry bar half a mile long which is forty foot out of the water when the river is low what do you reckon that is for if I know I wish I may land and hunt yourself for you son of a undertaker out with that coal oil now lively lively and just look at what they are trying to do down there at Millicombs Bend there's been a cutoff in that section and Vicksburg is left out in the cold it's a country town now the river strikes in below it and a boat can't go up to the town except in high water well they are going to build wing dams in the bend opposite the foot of 103 and throw the water over and cut off the foot of the island and plow down into an old ditch where the river used to be in ancient times and they think they can persuade the water around that way and get it to strike in above Vicksburg as it used to do and fetch the town back into the world again that is they are going to take this whole Mississippi and twist it around and make it run several miles upstream well you've got to admire men that deal in ideas of that size and can tote them around without crutches but you haven't got to believe they can do such miracles have you and yet you ain't absolutely obliged to believe they can't I reckon the safe way where a man can afford it is to copper the operation and at the same time buy enough property in Vicksburg to square you up in case they win government is doing a deal for the Mississippi now spending loads of money on her when there used to be four thousand steamboats and ten thousand acres of coal barges and rafts and trading scouts there wasn't a lantern from Saint Paul to New Orleans and the snags were thicker than bristles on a hog's back and now when there's three dozen steamboats and nary barge or raft government has snatched out all the snags and lit up the shores like Broadway and the boats are safe on the river and should be in heaven and I reckon that by the time there ain't any boats left at all the commission will have the old thing all reorganized and dredged out and fenced in and tied it up to a degree that will make navigation just simply perfect and absolutely safe and profitable and all the days will be Sundays and all the mates will be Sunday schools to what in the nation you fool around there for you sons of unrighteousness heirs of perdition going to be a year getting that hog's Spanish or during our trip to New Orleans and back we had many conversations with rivermen planters journalists and officers of the river commission with conflicting and confusing results to it one some believed in the commission scheme to arbitrarily and permanently confined and thus deepen the channel preserve threatened shores etc to some believe that the commission's money ought to be spent only on building and repairing the great system of levies three some believe that the higher you build your levy the higher the river's bottom will rise and that consequently the levy system is a mistake four some believed in the scheme to relieve the river in flood time by turning its surplus waters off into lake borne etc five some believed in the scheme of northern lake reservoirs to replenish the Mississippi in low water seasons wherever you find a man down there who believes in one of these theories you may turn to the next man and frame your talk upon the hypothesis that he does not believe in that theory and after you have had experience you do not take this course doubtfully or hesitatingly but with the confidence of a dying murderer converted one I mean for you will have come to know with a deep and restful certainty that you are not going to meet two people sick of the same theory one right after the other no there will always be one or two with the other diseases along between and as you proceed you will find out one or two other things you will find out that there is no distemper of the lot but is contagious and you cannot go where it is without catching it you may vaccinate yourself with deterrent facts as much as you please it will do no good it will seem to take but it doesn't the moment you rub against any one of those theorists make up your mind that it is time to hang out your yellow flag yes you are his sure victim yet his work is not all to your heart only part of it or he is like your family physician who comes and cures the mumps and leaves the scarlet fever behind if your man is a lake borne relief theorist for instance he will exhale a cloud of deadly facts and statistics which will lay you out with that disease sure but at the same time he will cure you of any other of the five theories that may have previously got into your system I have had all the five and had them bad but ask me not in mournful numbers which one racked me hardest or which one numbered the biggest sick list for I do not know in truth no one can answer the latter question Mississippi improvement is a mighty topic down yonder every man on the river banks south of Cairo talks about it every day during such moments as he is able to spare from talking about the war and each of the several chief theories has its host of zealous part of fans but as I have said it is not possible to determine which cause numbers the most recruits all were agreed upon one point however if congress would make a sufficient appropriation a colossal benefit would result very well since then the appropriation has been made possibly a sufficient one certainly not too large a one let us hope that the prophecy will be aptly fulfilled one thing will be easily granted by the reader that an opinion from Mr Edward Atkinson upon any vast national commercial matter comes as near ranking as authority as can the opinion of any individual in the union what he has to say about Mississippi river improvement will be found in the appendix footnote the appendix B sometimes half a dozen figures will reveal as with a lightning flash the importance of a subject which 10 000 labored words with the same purpose and view had left at last but dim and uncertain here's a case of the sort paragraph from the Cincinnati commercial the tow boat and Joseph B Williams is on her way to New Orleans with a tow of 32 barges containing 600 000 bushels 76 pounds to the bushel of pole exclusive of her own fuel being the largest tow ever taken to New Orleans or anywhere else in the world her freight bill at three cents a bushel amounts to 18 000 it would take 1800 cars of 333 bushels to the car to transport this amount of coal at $10 per ton or $100 per car which would be a fair price for the distance by rail the freight bill would amount to $180 000 or 162 000 more by rail than by river the tow will be taken from Pittsburgh to New Orleans in 14 or 15 days it would take 100 trains of 18 cars to the train to transport this one tow of 600 000 bushels of coal and even if it made the usual speed of fast freight lines it would take one whole summer to put it through by rail when a river in good condition can enable one to save 162 000 and a whole summer's time on a single cargo the wisdom of taking measures to keep the river in good condition is made plain to even the on commercial mind end of chapter 28 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 29 a few specimen bricks we passed through the plum point region turned Craig Head's point and glided unchallenged by what was once the formidable Fort Pillow memorable because of the massacre perpetrated there during the war massacres are sprinkled with some frequency through the histories of several Christian nations but this is almost the only one that can be found in American history perhaps it is the only one which rises to size correspondent to that huge and somber title we have the Boston massacre where two or three people were killed but we must bunch Anglo-Saxon history together to find the fellow to the Fort Pillow tragedy and doubtless even then we must travel back to the days and performances of Kurt De Leon that fine hero before we accomplish it more of the river's freaks in times past the channel used to strike above island 37 by Brandywine bar and down towards Island 39 afterward changed its course and went from Brandywine down through Vogelmann's shoot in the Devil's elbow to Island 39 part of this course reversing the old order the river running up four or five miles instead of down and cutting off throughout some 15 miles of distance this in 1876 all that region is now called Centennial Island there is a tradition that Island 37 was one of the principal abiding places of the once celebrated murals gang this was a colossal combination of robbers horse thieves Negro Steelers and counterfeiters engaged in business along the river some 50 or 60 years ago while our journey across the country towards St. Louis was in progress we had had no end of Jesse James and his stirring history for he had just been assassinated by an agent of the governor of Missouri and was in consequence occupying a good deal of space in the newspapers cheap histories of him were for sale by train boys according to these he was the most marvelous creature of his kind that had ever existed it was a mistake Merle was his equal in boldness in pluck in rapacity in cruelty brutality heartlessness treachery and in general and comprehensive vileness and shamelessness and very much his superior in some larger aspects James was a retail rascal Merle wholesale James modest genius dreamed of no loftier flight than the planning of raids upon cars coaches and country banks Merle projected Negro insurrections and the capture of New Orleans and furthermore on occasion this Merle could go into a pulpit and edify the congregation what are James and his half dozen vulgar rascals compared with this stately old time criminal with his sermons his meditated insurrections and city captures and his majestic following of 10 hundred men sworn to do his evil will here is a paragraph or two concerning this big operator from a now forgotten book which was published half a century ago he appears to have been a most dexterous as well as consummate villain when he traveled his usual disguise was that of an itinerant preacher and it is said that his discourses were very soul-moving interesting the hearers so much that they forgot to look after their horses which were carried away by his confederates while he was preaching but the stealing of horses in one state and selling them in another was but a small portion of their business the most lucrative was the enticing slaves to run away from their masters that they might sell them in another quarter this was arranged as follows they would tell a negro that if he would run away from his master and allow them to sell him he should receive a portion of the money paid for him and that upon his return to them a second time they would send him to a free state where he would be safe the poor wretches complied with this request hoping to obtain money and freedom they would be sold to another master and run away again to their employers sometimes they would be sold in this manner three or four times until they had realized three or four thousand dollars by them but as after this there was fear of detection the usual custom was to get rid of the only witness that could be produced against them which was the negro himself by murdering him and throwing his body into the Mississippi even if it was established that they had stolen a negro before he was murdered they were always prepared to evade punishment for they concealed a negro who had run away until he was advertised and a reward offered to any man who would catch him an advertisement of this kind warrants the person to take the property you found and then the negro becomes a property in trust when therefore they sold a negro it only became a breach of trust not stealing and for a breach of trust the owner of the property can only have redress by a civil action which was useless as the damages were never paid it may be inquired how it was that Merle escaped lynch law under such circumstances this will be easily understood when it is stated that he had more than a thousand sworn confederates already at a moment's notice to support any of the gang who might be in trouble the names of all the principal confederates of Merle were obtained from himself in a manner which I shall presently explain the gang was composed of two classes the heads or council as they were called who planned and concerted but seldom acted they amounted to about four hundred the other class were the active agents and were termed strikers and amounted to about six hundred and fifty these were the tools in the hands of the others they ran all the risk and received but a small portion of the money they were in the power of the leaders of the gang who would sacrifice them at any time by handing them over to justice or sinking their bodies in the Mississippi the general rendezvous of this gang of miscreants was on the Arkansas side of the river where they concealed their negroes in the morasses and cane breaks the depredations of this extensive combination were severely felt but so well where their plans arranged that although Merle who was always active was everywhere suspected there was no proof to be obtained it so happened however that a young man of the name of Stewart who was looking after two slaves which Merle had decoyed away vowing with him and obtained his confidence took the oath and was admitted into the gang as one of the general council by this means all was discovered for Stewart turned traitor although he had taken the oath and having obtained every information exposed the whole concern the names of all the parties and finally succeeded in bringing home sufficient evidence against Merle to procure his conviction and sentenced to the penitentiary Merle was sentenced to fourteen years imprisonment so many people who were supposed to be honest and bore a respectable name in the different states were found to be among the list of the grand council as published by Stewart that every attempt was made to throw discredit upon his assertions his character was vilified and more than one attempt was made to assassinate him he was obliged to quit the southern states in consequence it is however now well ascertained to have been all true and although some blame Mr. Stewart for having violated his oath they no longer attempt to deny that his revelations were correct I will quote one or two portions of Merle's confessions to Mr. Stewart meant to him when they were journeying together I ought to have observed that the ultimate intentions of Merle and his associates were by his own account on a very extended scale having no less than object in views and raising the blacks against the whites taking possession of and plundering norlands and making themselves possessors of the territory the following are a few extracts I collected all my friends about norlands at one of our friends houses in that place and we sat in council three days before we got all our plans to our notion we then determined to undertake the rebellion at every hazard and make as many friends as we could for that purpose every man's business being assigned him I started to natchez on foot having sold my horse in norlands with the intention of stealing another after I started I walked four days and no opportunity offered for me to get a horse the fifth day about 12 I had to become tired and stopped at a creek to get some water and rest a little while I was sitting on a log looking down the road the way that I had come a man came in sight riding on a good looking horse the very moment I saw him I was determined to have his horse if he was in the garb of a traveler he rode up and I saw from his equipage that he was a traveler I arose and drew an elegant rifle pistol on him and ordered him to dismount he did so and I took his horse by the bridle and pointed down the creek and ordered him to walk before me he went a few hundred yards and stopped I hitched his horse and then made him undress himself all to his surf and drawers and ordered him to turn his back to me he said if you are determined to kill me let me have time to pray before I die I told him I had no time to hear him play he turned around and dropped on his knees and I shot him through the back of the head I ripped open his belly and took out his entrails and sunk him in the creek I then searched his pockets and found four hundred dollars and thirty seven cents and a number of papers that I did not take time to examine I sunk the pocketbook and papers and his hat in the creek his boots were brand new and fitted me gently and I put them on and sunk my old shoes in the creek to atone for them I rolled up his clothes and put them into his portmanteau as they were brand new cloth of the best quality I mounted as fine a horse as ever I straddled and directed my course for matches in much better style than I had been for the last five days myself and a fellow by the name of Crenshaw gathered four good horses and started for Georgia we got in company with a young South Carolinian just before we got to Cumberland Mountain and Crenshaw soon knew all about his business he had been to Tennessee to buy a drove of hogs but when he got there pork was dearer than he calculated and he declined purchasing we concluded he was a prize Crenshaw winked at me I understood his idea Crenshaw had traveled the road before but I never had we had traveled several miles on the mountain when he passed near a great precipice just before we passed it Crenshaw asked me for my whip which had a pound of lead in the butt I handed it to him and he rode up by the side of the South Carolinian and gave him a blow in the side of the head and tumbled him from his horse we lit from our horses and fingered his pockets we got twelve hundred and sixty-two dollars Crenshaw said he knew a place to hide him and he gathered him under his arms and I by his feet and we conveyed him to a deep crevice in the brows at precipice and tumbled him into it and he went out of sight we then tumbled in his saddle and took his horse with us which was worth two hundred dollars we were detained a few days and during that time our friend went to a little village in the neighborhood and saw the Negro advertised a Negro in our possession and a description of the two men of whom he had been purchased and giving his suspicions of the men it was rather squally times but any port in a storm we took the Negro that night on the bank of a creek which runs by the farm of our friend and Crenshaw saw him through the head we took out his entrails and sunk him in the creek he had sold the other Negro the third time on Arkansas River for upwards of five hundred dollars and then stole him and delivered him into the hand of his friend who conducted him to a swamp and veiled the tragic scene and got the last cleanings and sacred pledge of secrecy as a game of that kind will not do unless it ends in a mystery to all but the fraternity he sold a Negro first and last for nearly two thousand dollars and then put him forever out of the reach of all pursuers and they can never graze him unless they can find the Negro and that they cannot do for his carcass has fed many a tortoise and catfish before this time and the frogs have sung this many a long day to the silent repose of his skeleton we were approaching Memphis in front of which city and witnessed by its people was fought the most famous of the river battles of the Civil War two men whom I had served under in my River days took part in that fight Mr. Bixby had pilot of the Union fleet and Montgomery Commodore of the Confederate fleet both saw a great deal of active service during the war and achieved high reputations for pluck and capacity as we neared Memphis we began to cast about for an excuse to stay with the gold dust to the end of her course Vicksburg we were so pleasantly situated that we did not wish to make a change I had an errand of considerable importance to do at Napoleon Arkansas but perhaps I could manage it without quitting the gold dust I said as much so we decided to stick to present quarters the boat was to tarry at Memphis till 10 the next morning it is a beautiful city nobly situated on a commanding bluff overlooking the river the streets are straight and spacious though not paved in a way to incite distempered admiration no the admiration must be reserved for the town's sewerage system which is called perfect a recent reform however for it was just the other way up to a few years ago a reform resulting from the lesson taught by a desolating visitation of the yellow fever in those awful days the people were swept off by hundreds by thousands and so great was the reduction caused by flight and by death together that the population was diminished three fourths and so remained for a time business stood nearly still and the streets bore an empty sunday aspect here is a picture of Memphis at that disastrous time drawn by a german tourist who seems to have been an eyewitness of the scenes which he describes it is from chapter seven of his book just published in lightsig mississippi fartney von Ernst von Hesse Wartheg in august the yellow fever had reached its extremist height daily hundreds fell a sacrifice to the terrible epidemic the city was become a mighty graveyard two-thirds of the population had deserted the place and only the poor the aged and the sick remained behind a sure pray for the infidious enemy the houses were closed little lamps burned in front of many a sign that here death had entered often several lay dead in a single house from the windows hung black crepe the stores were shut up for their owners were gone away or dead fearful evil in the briefest space it struck down and swept away even the most vigorous victim a slight indisposition then an hour of fever then the hideous delirium then the yellow death on the street corners and in the squares lay sick men suddenly overtaken by the disease and even corpses distorted and rigid food failed meat spoiled in a few hours in the fetid and pestiferous air and turned black fearful clamors issue from many houses then after a season they cease and all is still nobles self-sacrificing men come with a coffin nail it up and carry it away to the graveyard in the night stillness rains only the physicians and the herces hurry through the streets and out of the distance at intervals comes the muffled thunder of the railway train which with the speed of the wind and as if hunted by furies flies by the pest-ridden city without halting but there is life enough there now the population exceeds 40 000 and is augmenting and trade is in a flourishing condition we drove about the city visited the park and the sociable horde of squirrels there saw the fine residences rose clad and in other ways enticing to the eye and got a good breakfast at the hotel a thriving place is the good samaritan city of the mississippi has a great wholesome jobbing trade foundries machine shops and manufacturers of wagons carriages and cotton seed oil and is shortly to have cotton mills and elevators her cotton receipts reached 500 000 bales last year an increase of 60 000 over the year before out from her healthy commercial heart issue five trunk lines of railway and a sixth is being added this is a very different memphis from the one which the vanished and unremembered procession of foreign tourists used to put into their books long time ago in the days of the now forgotten but once renowned and vigorously hated mrs trollop memphis seems to have consisted mainly of one long street of log houses with some outlined cabins sprinkled around rearward toward the woods and now and then a pig and no end of mud that was 55 years ago she stopped at the hotel plainly it was not the one which gave us our breakfast she says the table was laid for 50 persons and was nearly full they ate imperfect silence and with such astonishing rapidity that their dinner was over literally before ours was begun the only sounds heard were those produced by the knives and forks with the unceasing chorus of coughing et cetera coughing et cetera the et cetera stands for an unpleasant word there a word which she does not always chargeably cover up but sometimes prints you will find it in the following description of a steamboat dinner which she ate in the company with a lot of aristocratic planters wealthy well-born ignorant swells they were tinsled with the usual harmless military and judicial titles of that all day of cheap shams and windy pretense the total want of all the usual courtesies of the table the voracious rapidity with which the vians were seized and devoured the strange unpoothed phrases and pronunciation the loathsome spitting from the contamination of which it was absolutely impossible to protect our dresses the frightful manner of feeding with their knives till the whole blade seemed to enter into the mouth and the still more frightful manner of cleaning the teeth afterwards with a pocket knife soon forced us to feel that we were not surrounded by the generals kernels and majors of the old world and that the dinner hour was to be anything rather than an hour of enjoyment end of chapter 29 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 30 sketches by the way it was a big river below Memphis banks brimming full everywhere and very frequently more than full the waters pouring out over the land flooding the woods and fields for miles into the interior and in places to a depth of 15 feet signs all about of men's hard work gone to ruin and all to be done over again with straightened means and weakened courage a melancholy picture and a continuous one hundreds of miles of it sometimes the beacon light stood in water three feet deep in the edge of dense forests which extended for miles without farm woodyard clearing or break of any kind which meant that the keeper of the light must come in a skiff a great distance to discharge his trust and often in desperate weather yet I was told that the work is faithfully performed in all weathers and not always by men sometimes by women if the man is sick or absent the government furnishes oil and pays 10 or $15 a month for the lighting and tending a government boat distributes oil and pays wages once a month the ship island region was as woodsy and tenetless as ever the island has ceased to be an island has joined itself compactly to the main shore and wagons travel now where the steamboats used to navigate no signs left of the wreck of the pennsylvania some farmer will turn up her bones with his plow one day no doubt and be surprised we were getting down now into the migrating negro region these poor people could never travel when they were slaves so they make up for the privation now they stay on a plantation till the desire to travel seizes them then they pack up hail a steamboat and clear out not for any particular place no nearly any place will answer they only want to be moving the amount of money on hand will answer the rest of the conundrum for them if it will take them 50 miles very well let it be 50 if not a shorter flight will do during a couple of days we frequently answered these hails sometimes there was a group of high water stained tumbledown cabins populace with colored folk and no whites visible with grassless patches of dry ground here and there a few felled trees with skeleton cattle mules and horses eating the leaves and gnawing the bark no other food for them in the flood wasteland sometimes there was a single lonely landing cabin mirret the colored family that had hailed us little and big old and young roosting on the scant pile of household goods these consisting of a rusty gun some bedticks chests tinware stools a crippled looking glass a venerable armchair and six or eight baseborn and spiritless yellow curves attached to the family by strings they must have their dogs can't go without their dogs yet the dogs are never willing they always object so one after another in ridiculous procession they are dragged aboard all four feet braced and sliding along the stage had likely to be pulled off but the tugger marching determinedly forward bending to his work with the rope over his shoulder for better purchase sometimes a child is forgotten and left on the bank but never a dog the usual river gossip going on in the pilot house island number 63 an island was a lovely chute or a passage behind it in the former times they said jesse jameson in the skylark had a visiting pilot with him one trip a poor old broken down superannuated fellow left him at the wheel at the foot of 63 to run off the watch the ancient mariner went up through the chute and down the river outside and up the chute and down the river again and again and again and handed the boat over to the relieving pilot at the end of three hours of honest endeavor at the same old foot of the island where he had originally taken the wheel a darky on shore who had observed the boat go by about 13 times said clarity gracious I wouldn't be surprised if there's a whole line of them skylarks anecdote illustrative of influence of reputation in the changing of opinion the eclipse was renowned for her swiftness one day she passed along an old darky on shore absorbed in his own matters did not notice what steamer it was presently someone asked any boat gone up yes sir was she going fast oh so so loafing along now do you know what boat that was nosa why uncle that was the eclipse knows that so well i bet it was because she just went by here as sparkling piece of history illustrative of the violent style of some of the people down along here during the early weeks of high water a's fence rails washed down on b's ground and b's rails washed up in the eddy and landed on a's ground a said let the thing remain so i will use your rails and you use mine but b objected wouldn't have it so one day a came down on b's ground to get his rails b said i'll kill you and proceeded for him with his revolver a said i'm not armed so b who wished to do only what was right threw down his revolver then pulled a knife and cut a's throat all round but gave his principal attention to the front and so failed to sever the jugular struggling around a managed to get his hands on the discarded revolver and shot b dead with and recovered from his own injuries further gossip after which everybody went below to get afternoon coffee and left me at the wheel alone something presently reminded me of our last hour in st louis part of which i spent on this boat's hurricane deck aft i was joined there by a stranger who dropped into conversation with me a brisk young fellow who said he was born in a town in the interior of wisconsin and had never seen a steamboat until a week before also said that on the way down from lacrosse he had inspected and examined his boat so diligently and with such passionate interest that he had mastered the whole thing from stem to rudder blade asked me where i was from i answered new england oh a yank said he and went chatting straight along without waiting for a center denial he immediately proposed to take me all over the boat and tell me the names of her different parts and teach me their uses before i could enter protest or excuse he was already rattling glibly away at his benevolent work and when i perceived that he was misnaming the things and inhospitably amusing himself at the expense of an innocent stranger from afar country i held my peace and let him have his way he gave me a world of misinformation and the further he went the wider his imagination expanded and the more he enjoyed his cruel work of deceit sometimes after palming off a particularly fantastic and outrageous lie upon me he was so full of laugh that he had to step aside for a minute upon one pretext or another to keep me from suspecting i stayed faithfully by him until his comedy was finished then he remarked that he had undertaken to learn me all about a steamboat and had done it but that if he had overlooked anything just ask him and he would supply the lack anything about this boat that you don't know the name of or the purpose of you come to me and i'll tell you i said i would and took my departure disappeared and approached him from another quarter once he could not see me there he sat all alone doubling himself up and writhing this way and that in the throes of unappeasable laughter he must have made himself sick for he was not publicly visible afterward for several days meantime the episode dropped out of my mind the thing that reminded me of it now when i was alone at the wheel was the spectacle of this young fellow standing in the pilot house door with a knob in his hand silently and severely inspecting me i don't know when i have seen anybody look so injured as he did he did not say anything simply stood there and looked reproachfully looked and pondered finally he shut the door and started away halted on the texas a minute came slowly back and stood in the door again with that grieved look in his face gazed upon me a while in meek rebuke then said you let me learn you all about a steamboat didn't you yes i confessed yes you did didn't you yes you are the feller that that language failed pause impotent struggle for further words then he gave it up choked out a deep strong oath and departed for good afterward i saw him several times below during the trip but he was cold would not look at me idiot if he had not been in such a sweat to play his witless practical joke upon me in the beginning i would have persuaded his thoughts into some other direction and saved him from committing that wanton and silly impoliteness i had myself called with the four o'clock watch mornings for one cannot see too many summer sunrises on the mississippi they are enchanting first there is the eloquence of silence for a deep hush broods everywhere next there is the haunting sense of loneliness isolation remoteness from the worry and bustle of the world the dawn creeps in stealthily the solid walls of black forest soften to gray and vast stretches of the river open up and reveal themselves the water is glass smooth gives off spectral little wreaths of white mist there is not the faintest breath of wind nor stir of leaf the tranquility is profound and infinitely satisfying then a bird pipes up another follows and soon the pipings develop into a jubilant riot of music you see none of the birds you simply move through the atmosphere of song which seems to sing itself when the light has become a little stronger you have one of the fairest and softest pictures imaginable you have the intense green of the mast and crowded foliage nearby you see it paling shade by shade in front of you upon the next projecting cape a mile off or more the tint has lightened to the tender young green of spring the cape beyond that one has almost lost color and the further one miles away under the horizon sleeps upon the water a mere dim vapor and hardly separable from the sky above it and about it and all this stretch of water is a mirror and you have the shadowy reflections of the leafage and the curving shores and the receding capes pictured in it well that is all beautiful soft and rich and beautiful and when the sun gets well up and distributes a pink flush here and a powder of gold yonder and a purple haze where it will yield the best effect you grant that you have seen something that is worth remembering we had the Kentucky Bend country in the early morning scene of a strange and tragic accident in the old times Captain Poe had a small stern wheel boat for years the home of himself and his wife one night the boat struck a snag in the head of Kentucky Bend and sank with astonishing suddenness water already well above the cabin floor when the captain got out so he cut into his wife's stateroom from above with an axe she was asleep in the upper berth the roof of flimsier ones and was supposed the first blow crashed down through the rotten boards and clove her skull this bend is all filled up now result of a cut off and the same agent has taken the great and once much frequented walnut bend and set it away back in a solitude far from the accustomed track of passing steamers Helena we visited and also a town I had not heard of before it being of recent birth Arkansas City it was born of a railway the little rock Mississippi River and Texas Railroad touches the river there we asked a passenger who belonged there what sort of a place it was well said he after considering and with the air of one who wishes to take time and be accurate it's a hell of a place a description which was photographic for exactness there were several rows and clusters of shabby frame houses and a supply of mud sufficient to ensure the town against a famine in that article for a hundred years where the overflow had but lately subsided there were stagnant ponds in the streets here and there and a dozen rude scous were scattered about lying aground wherever they happen to have been when the waters drained off and people could do their visiting and shopping on foot once more still it is a thriving place was a rich country behind it an elevator in front of it and also a fine big mill for the manufacture of cotton seed oil I had never seen this kind of mill before cotton seed was comparatively valueless in my time but it is worth twelve or thirteen dollars a ton now and none of it is thrown away the oil made from it is colorless tasteless and almost if not entirely odorless it is claimed that it can by proper manipulation be made to resemble and perform the office of any and all oils and be produced at a cheaper rate than the cheapest of the originals sagacious people shipped it to Italy doctored it labeled it and brought it back as olive oil this trade grew to be so formidable that Italy was obliged to put a prohibitory in post upon it to keep it from working serious injury to her oil industry Helena occupies one of the prettiest situations on the Mississippi her perch is the last the southernmost group of hills which one sees on that side of the river in its normal condition it is a pretty town but the flood or possibly the seepage had lately been ravaging it whole streets of houses had been invaded by the muddy water and the outsides of the buildings were still belted with a broad stain extending upwards from the foundations stranded and discarded scous lay all about like sidewalks on stilts four feet high were still standing the board sidewalks on the ground level were loose and ruinous a couple of men trotting along them could make a blind man think a cavalry charge was coming everywhere the mud was black and deep and in many places malaria's pools of stagnant water were standing a Mississippi inundation is the next most wasting and desolating inflection to a fire we had an enjoyable time here on this sunny Sunday two full hours liberty ashore while the boat discharged freight in the back streets but few white people were visible but there were plenty of colored folk mainly women and the girls and almost without exception upholstered in bright new clothes of swell and elaborate style and cut a glaring and hilarious contrast to the mournful mud and the pensive puddles Helena is the second town in Arkansas in point of population which is placed at five thousand the country about it is exceptionally productive Helena has a good cotton trade handles from forty to sixty thousand bales annually she has a large lumber and grain commerce has a foundry oil mills machine shops and wagon factories in brief has one million dollars invested in manufacturing industries she has two railways and is the commercial center of a broad and prosperous region her gross receipts of money annually from all sources are placed by the New Orleans Times Democrat at four million dollars end of chapter thirty this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Life in the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter thirty one a thumbprint and what came of it we were approaching Napoleon Arkansas so I began to think about my errand there time noonday and bright and sunny this was bad not best anyway for mine was not preferably a noonday kind of errand the more I thought the more that fact pushed itself upon me now in one form now in another finally it took the form of a distinct question is it good common sense to do the errand in daytime when by a little sacrifice of comfort and inclination you can have night for it and no inquisitive eyes around this settled it plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities I got my friends into my state room and said I was sorry to create annoyance and disappointment but that upon reflection it really seemed best that we put our luggage ashore and stop over at Napoleon their disapproval was prompt and loud their language mutinous their main argument was one which has always been the first to come to the surface in such cases since the beginning of time but you decided and agreed to stick to this boat etc as if having determined to do an unwise thing one is thereby bound to go ahead and make two unwise things of it by carrying out that determination I tried various modifying tactics upon them with reasonably good success under which encouragement I increased my efforts and to show them that I had not created this annoying errand and was in no way to blame for it I presently drifted into its history substantially as follows toward the end of last year I spent a few months in Munich Bavaria in November I was living in Fraulein-Dowliners pension one egg Carlos Trassa but my working quarters were a mile from there in the house of a widow who supported herself by taking lodgers she and her two young children used to drop in every morning and talk German to me by request one day during a ramble about the city I visited one of the two establishments where the government keeps and watches corpses until the doctors decide that they are permanently dead and not in a trance state it was a grizzly place that spacious room there were 36 corpses of adults in sight stretched on their backs on slightly slanted boards in three long rows all of them with wax white rigid faces and all of them wrapped in white shrouds along the sides of the room were deep alcoves like bay windows and in each of these lay several marble visage babes utterly hidden and buried under banks of fresh flowers all but their faces and crossed hands around the finger of each of these 50 still forms both great and small was a ring and from the ring a wire led to the ceiling and thence to a bell in a watch room yonder where day and night a watchman sits always alert and ready to spring to the aid of any of that pilot company who waking out of death shall make a movement or any even the slightest movement will twitch the wire and ring that fearful bell I imagine myself a death sentinel drowsing there alone far in the dragging watches of some wailing gusty night and having in a twinkling all my body stricken to quivering jelly by the sudden clamor of that awful summons so I inquired about this thing asked what resulted usually if the watchman died and the restored corpse came and did what it could to make his last moments easy but I was rebuked for trying to feed an idle and frivolous curiosity in so solemn and so mournful a place and went my way with a humbled crest next morning I was telling the widow my adventure when she exclaimed come with me I have a lotter who shall tell you all you want to know he has been a night watchman there he was a living man but he did not look it he was a bed and had his head propped high on pillows his face was wasted and colorless his deep sunken eyes were shut his hand lying on his breast was talon like it was so bony and long-fingered the widow began her introduction of me the man's eyes open slowly and glittered wickedly out from the twilight of their caverns he frowned a black frown he lifted his lean hand and waved us peremptorily away but the widow kept straight on till she had got out the fact that I was a stranger and an American the man's face changed at once brightened became even eager and the next moment he and I were alone together I opened up in cast iron German he responded in quite flexible English thereafter we gave the German language a permanent rest this consumptive and I became good friends I visited him every day and we talked about everything at least about everything but wives and children let anybody's wife or anybody's child be mentioned and three things always followed the most gracious and loving and tender light glimmered in the man's eyes for a moment faded out next and in its place came that deadly look which had flamed there the first time I ever saw his lids unclose thirdly he ceased from speech there and then for that day lay silent abstracted and absorbed apparently heard nothing that I said took no notice of my goodbyes and plainly did not know by either sight or hearing when I left the room when I had been this Carl Ritter's daily and soul intimate during two months he one day said abruptly I will tell you my story a dying man's confession then he went on as follows I have never given up until now but now I have given up I am going to die I made up my mind last night that it must be and very soon too you say you are going to revisit your river by and by when you find opportunity very well that together with a certain experience which fell to my lot last night determines me to tell you my history for you will see Napoleon Arkansas and for my sake you will stop there and do a certain thing for me a thing which you will willingly undertake after you shall have heard my narrative let us shorten the story wherever we can for it will need it being long you already know how I came to go to America and how I came to settle in that lonely region in the south but you do not know that I had a wife my wife was young beautiful loving and oh so divinely good and blameless and gentle and our little girl was her mother in manicure it was the happiest of happy households one night it was toward the close of the war I woke up out of a sobbing lethargy and found myself bound and gagged and the air tainted with chloroform I saw two men in the room and one was saying to the other in a horse whisper I told her I would if she made a noise and as for the child the other man interrupted in a low half crying voice you said we'd only gag them and rob them not hurt them or I wouldn't have come shut up your whining had to change the plan when they waked up you done all you could to protect them now let that satisfy you come help rummage both men were masked and wore coarse ragged nigger clothes they had a bull's eye lantern and by its light I noticed that the gentle robber had no some on his right hand they rummaged around my poor cabin for a moment the head band had then said in his stage whisper it's a waste of time he shall tell where it's hid undo his gag and revive him up the other said all right provided no clubbing no clubbing it is and provided he keeps still they approached me just then there was a sound outside a sound of voices and trampling hoofs the robbers held their breath and listened the sounds came slowly nearer and nearer then he came a shout hello the house show a light we want water the captain's voice by gun said the stage whispering ruffian and both robbers fled by the way of the back door shutting off their bull's eye as they ran the stranger shouted several times more then rode by there seemed to be a dozen of the horses I heard nothing more I struggled but could not free myself from my bonds I tried to speak but the gag was effective I could not make a sound I listened for my wife's voice and my child's listened long and intently but no sound came from the other end of the room where their bed was this silence became more and more awful more and more ominous every moment could you have endured an hour of it do you think pity me then who had to endure three three hours it was three ages whenever the clock struck it seemed as if years had gone by since I had heard it last all this time I was struggling in my bonds and at last about dawn I got myself free and rose up and stretched my stiff limbs I was able to distinguish details pretty well the floor was littered with things thrown there by the robbers during their search for my savings the first object that caught my particular attention was a document of mine which I had seen the rougher of the two ruffians glance at and then passed away it had blood on it I staggered to the other end of the room oh my poor unoffending helpless ones there they lay their troubles ended mine begun did I appeal to the law I does it quench the pauper's thirst if the king drink for him oh no no no I wanted no impertinent interference of the law laws and the gallows could not pay the debt that was owing to me let the laws leave the matter in my hands and have no fears I would find the debtor and collect the debt how accomplish this do you say how accomplish it and feel so sure about it when I had neither seen the robbers face nor heard their natural voices nor had any idea who they might be nevertheless I was sure quite sure quite confident I had a clue a clue which you would not have valued a clue which would not have greatly helped even a detective since he would lack the secret of how to apply it I shall come to that presently you shall see let us go on now taking things in their due order there was one circumstance which gave me a slant in a definite direction to begin with those two robbers were manifestly soldiers in tramp disguise and not new to military service but old in it regulars perhaps they did not acquire their soldierly attitude gestures carriage in a day nor a nor yet in a year so I thought but said nothing and one of them had said the captain's voice by car the one whose life I would have two miles away several regiments were in camp and two companies of us cavalry when I learned that captain Blakely of company C had passed our way that night with an escort I said nothing but in that company I resolved to seek my man in conversation I studiously and persistently described the robbers as tramps camp followers and among this class the people made useless none suspecting the soldiers but me working patiently by night and my desolated home I made a disguise for myself out of various odds and ends of closing in the nearest village I bought a pair of blue goggles and buy and buy when the military camp broke up and company C was ordered a hundred miles north to Napoleon I secreted my small horde of money in my belt and took my departure in the night when company C arrived in Napoleon I was already there yes I was there with a new trade fortune teller not to seem partial I made friends and told fortunes among all the company's garrison there but I gave company C the great block of my attentions I made myself limitlessly obliging to these particular men they could ask me no favor put upon me no risk which I would decline I became the willing but of their jokes this perfected my popularity I became a favorite I early found a private who lacked a thumb what joy it was to me and when I found that he alone of all the company had lost the thumb my last misgivings vanished I was sure I was on the right track this man's name was Kruger a German there were nine Germans in the company I watched to see who might be his intimate but he seemed to have no special intimates but I was his intimate and I took care to make the intimacy grow sometimes I so hungry for my revenge that I could hardly restrain myself from going on my knees and begging him to point out the man who had murdered my wife and child but I managed to bridle my tongue I bided my time and went on telling fortunes as opportunity offered my apparatus was simple a little red paint and a bit of white paper I painted the ball of the client's thumb took a print of it on the paper studied it that night and revealed his fortune to him next day what was my idea in this nonsense it was this when I was a youth I knew an old French man who had been a prisonkeeper for 30 years and he told me that there was one thing about a person which never changed from the cradle to the grave the lines in the ball of the thumb and he said that these lines were never exactly alike in the thumbs of any two human beings in these days we photographed the new criminal and hang his picture in the rogues gallery for future reference but that Frenchman in his day used to take a print of the ball of the new prisoner's thumb and put that away for future reference he always said that pictures were no good future disguises could make them useless the thumb is the only sure thing said he you can't disguise that and he used to prove his theory too on my friends and acquaintances it always succeeded I went on telling fortunes every night I shut myself in all alone and studied the day's thumb prints with a magnifying glass imagine the devouring eagerness with which I poured over those mazy red spirals with that document by my side which bore the right hand thumb and finger marks of that unknown murderer printed with the dearest blood to me that was ever shed on this earth and many and many a time I had to repeat the same old disappointed remark will they never correspond but my reward came at last it was the print of the thumb of the forty-third man of company C whom I had experimented on Private Franz Adler an hour before I did not know the murderer's name or voice or figure or face or nationality but now I knew all these things I believed I might feel sure the Frenchman's repeated demonstrations being so good a warranty still there was a way to make sure I had an impression of Kruger's left thumb in the morning I took him aside when he was off duty and when we were out of sight and hearing of witnesses I said impressively a part of your fortune is so grave that I thought it would be better for you if I did not tell it in public you and another man whose fortune I was studying last night private Adler have been murdering a woman and a child you are being dogged within five days both of you will be assassinated he dropped on his knees frightened out of his wits and for five minutes he kept pouring out the same set of words like a demented person and in the same half crying way which was one of my memories of that murderous knife in my cabin I didn't do it upon my soul I didn't do it and I tried to keep him from doing it I did as God is my witness he did it alone this was all I wanted and I tried to get rid of the fool but no he clung to me imploring me to save him from the assassin he said I have money ten thousand dollars hit away the fruit of loot and savory save me tell me what to do and you shall have it every penny two thirds of it is my cousin Adler's but you can take it all we hit it when we first came here but I hid it in a new place yesterday and have not told him shall not tell him I was going to desert and get away with it all it is gold and too heavy to carry when one is running and dodging but a woman who has been gone over the river two days to prepare my way for me is going to follow me with it and if I got no chance to describe the hiding place to her I was going to slip my silver watch into her hand or send it to her and she would understand there's a piece of paper in the back of the case which tells it all here take the watch tell me what to do he was trying to press his watch upon me and was exposing the paper and explaining it to me when Adler appeared on the scene about a dozen yards away I said to poor Kruger put up your watch I don't want it you shan't come to any harm go now I must tell Adler his fortune presently I will tell you how to escape the assassin meantime I shall have to examine your thumb mark again say nothing to Adler about this thing say nothing to anybody he went away filled with fright and gratitude poor devil I told Adler a long fortune purposely so long that I could not finish it promised to come to him on guard that night and tell him the really important part of it the tragical part of it I said so must be out of reach of eavesdroppers they always kept a picket watch outside the town mere discipline and ceremony no occasion for it no enemy around toward midnight I set out equipped with the countersign and picked my way toward the lonely region where Adler was to keep his watch it was so dark that I stumbled right on a dim figure almost before I could get out of protecting word the sentinel hailed and I answered both at the same moment I added is only me the fortune teller then I slipped to the poor devil side and without a word I drove my dirt into his heart yeah wow laughed I it was the tragedy part of his fortune indeed as he fell from his horse he clutched at me and my blue goggles remained in his hand and away plunged the beast dragging him with his foot in the stirrup I fled through the woods and made good my escape leaving the accusing goggles behind me in that dead man's hand this was 15 or 16 years ago since then I have wandered aimlessly about the earth sometimes at work sometimes idle sometimes with money sometimes with none but always tired of life and wishing it was done for my mission here was finished with the act of that night and the only pleasure solace satisfaction I had in all those tedious years was in the daily reflection I have killed him four years ago my health began to fail I had wandered into munich in my purposeless way being out of money I sought work and got it did my duty faithfully about a year and was then given the birth of night watchman yonder in that dead house which you visited lately the place suited my mood I liked it I liked being with the dead liked being alone with them I used to wander among those rigid corpses and peer into their austere faces by the hour later the time the more impressive it was I preferred the late time sometimes I turned the lights low this gave perspective you see and the imagination could play always the dim receding ranks of the dead inspired one with weird and fascinating fancies two years ago I had been there a year then I was sitting all alone in the watchroom one gusty winter's night filled numb comfortless drowsing gradually into unconsciousness the sobbing of the wind and the slamming of distant shutters falling fainter and fainter upon my dulling ear each moment when sharp and suddenly that dead bell rang out and blood curdling alarm over my head the shock of it nearly paralyzed me for it was the first time I had ever heard it I gathered myself together and flew to the corpse room about midway down the outside rank a shrouded figure was sitting upright wagging its head slowly from one side to the other a grizzly spectacle it five was toward me I hurried to it and peered into its face heavens it was Adler then you divine what my first thought was put into words it was this it seems then you escaped me once there will be a different result this time evidently this creature was suffering unimaginable terrors think what it must have been to wake up in the midst of that voiceless hush and look out over that grim congregation of the dead what gratitude shone in his skinny white face when he saw a living form before him and how the fervency of this mute gratitude was augmented when his eyes fell upon the life-giving cordials which I carried in my hands then imagine the horror which came into his pinched face when I put the cordials behind me and said mockingly speak up France Adler call upon these dead doubtless they will listen and have pity but here there is none else that will he tried to speak but that part of the shroud which bound his jaws held firm and would not let him he tried to lift imploring hands but they were crossed upon his breast and tied I said shout France Adler make the sleepers in the distant streets hear you and bring help shout and lose no time for there is little to lose what you cannot that is a pity but it is no matter it does not always bring help when you and your cousin murdered a helpless woman and child in a cabin in Arkansas my wife it was and my child they shrieked for help you remember but it did no good you remember that it did no good is it not so your teeth chatter then why cannot you shout loosen the bandages with your hands then you can I see your hands are tied they cannot aid you how strangely things repeat themselves after long years for my hands were tied that night you remember yes tied much as yours are now how odd that is I could not pull free it did not occur to you to untie me it does not occur to me to untie you there's a late footstep it is coming this way Mark how near it is one can count the footfalls one two three there it is just outside now is the time shout man shout it is the one soul chance between you and eternity you see you have delayed too long it has gone by there it is dying out it is gone think of it reflect upon it you have heard a human footstep for the last time how curious it must be to listen to so common a sound as that and know that one will never hear the fellow to it again oh my friend the agony in that shrouded face was ecstasy to me I thought of a new torture and applied it assisting myself with a trifle of lying invention that poor Kruger tried to save my wife and child and I did him a grateful good turn for it when the time came I persuaded him to rob you and I and a woman helped him to desert and got him away in safety a look as a surprise and Tramp shone out dimly through the anguish in my victim's face I was disturbed disquieted I said what then didn't he escape a negative shake of the head you know what happened then the satisfaction in the shrouded face was still a planar the man tried to mumble out some words could not succeed tried to express something with his obstructed hands failed paused a moment then feebly tilted his head in a meaning way toward the corpse that lay nearest him dead I asked failed to escape caught in the act and shot negative shake of the head how then again the man tried to do something with his hands I watched closely but could not guess the intent I bent over and watched still more closely he had twisted a thumb around and was weakly punching at his breast with it ah stabbed do you mean affirmative nod accompanied by a spectral smile of such peculiar devilishness that it struck an awakening light through my dull brain and I cried did I stab him mistaking him for you for that stroke was meant for none but you the affirmative nod of the re-dying rascal was as joyous as his failing strength was able to put into its expression oh miserable miserable me to slaughter the pitying soul that stood a friend to my darlings when they were helpless and would have saved them if he could miserable miserable miserable me I fancied I heard the muffled gurgle of a mocking laugh I took my face out of my hands and saw my enemy sinking back upon his inclined board he was a satisfactory long time dying he had a wonderful vitality an astonishing constitution yes he was a pleasant long time at it I got a tear in a newspaper and sat down by him and read occasionally I took a sip of brandy this was necessary on account of the cold but I did it partly because I saw that along at first whenever I reached for the bottle he thought I was going to give him some I read aloud mainly imaginary accounts of people snatched from the grave threshold and restored to life and vigor by a few spoonfuls liquor and a warm bath yes he had a long hard death of it three hours and six minutes from the time he rang his bell it is believed that in all these eighteen years that have relapsed since the institution of the corpse watch no shrouded occupant of the Bavarian dead houses has ever rung its bell well it is a harmless belief let it stand at that the chill of that death room had penetrated my bones it revived and fastened upon me the disease which had been afflicted me but which up to that night had been steadily disappearing that man murdered my wife and child and in three days hence he will have added me to his list no matter god how delicious the memory of it I caught him escaping from his grave and thrust him back into it after that night I was confined to my bed for a week but as soon as I could get about I went to the dead house books and got the number of the house which Adler had died in a wretched lodging place it was it was my idea that he would naturally have gotten hold of Kruger's effects being his cousin and I wanted to get Kruger's watch if I could but while I was sick Adler's things had been sold and scattered all except a few old letters and some odds and ends of no value however through those letters I traced out a son of Kruger's the only relative left he is a man of 30 now a shoemaker by trade and living at number 14 Konigstrasse Mannheim widower with several small children without explaining to him why I have furnished two-thirds of his support ever since now as to that watch see how strangely things happen I traced it around and about Germany for more than a year at considerable cost in money and vexation and at last I got it got it and was unspeakably glad opened it and found nothing in it why I might have known that that bit of paper was not going to stay there all this time of course I gave up that ten thousand dollars then gave it up and dropped it out of my mind and most sorrowfully for I wanted it for Kruger's son last night when I consented at last that I must die I began to make ready I proceeded to burn all useless papers and sure enough from a batch of Adler's not previously examined with thoroughness out dropped that long desired scrap I recognized it in a moment here it is I will translate it brick livery stable stone foundation middle of town corner of Orleans and market corner toward courthouse third stone fourth row stick notice there saying how many are to come there take it and preserve it Kruger explained that that stone was removable and that it was in the north wall of the foundation fourth row from the top and third stone from the west the money is secreted behind it he said the closing sentence was a blind to mislead in case the paper should fall into wrong hands it probably performed that office for Adler now I want to beg that when you make your intended journey down the river you will hunt out that hidden money and send it to Adam Kruger care of the Mannheim address which I have mentioned it will make a rich man of him and I shall sleep the sounder in my grave for knowing that I have done what I could for the son of the man who tried to save my wife and child albeit my hand ignorantly struck him down whereas the impulse of my heart would have been to shield and serve him end of chapter thirty-one this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter thirty-two the disposal of a bonanza such was Ritter's narrative said I to my two friends there was a profound and impressive silence which lasted a considerable time then both men broke into a fuselad of exciting and admiring ejaculations over the strange incidents of the tale and this along with a rattling fire of questions was kept up until all hands were about out of breath then my friends began to cool down and draw off under shelter of occasional volleys into silence and abysmal reverie for ten minutes now there was stillness then Rogers said dreamily ten thousand dollars adding after a considerable pause ten thousand it is a heap of money presently the poet inquired are you going to send it to him right away yes I said it is a queer question no reply after a little Rogers asked hesitatingly all of it that is I mean certainly all of it I was going to say more but stopped was stopped by a train of thought which started up in me Thompson spoke but my mind was absent and I did not catch what he said but I heard Rogers answer yes it seems so to me it ought to be quite sufficient for I don't see that he has done anything presently the poet said when you come to look at it it is more than sufficient just look at it five thousand dollars why he couldn't spend it in a lifetime and it would injure him to perhaps ruin him you want to look at that in a little while he would throw his last away shut up his shop maybe take to drinking maltreat his motherless children drift into other evil courses go steadily from bad to worse yes that's it interrupted Rogers fervently I've seen it a hundred times yes more than a hundred you put money into the hands of a man like that if you want to destroy him that's all just put money into his hands and it's all you've got to do and if it don't pull him down and take all the usefulness out of him and all their self-respect and everything well then I don't know human nature ain't that so Thompson and even if we were to give him a third of it why in less than six months less than six weeks you'd better say it said I'm warming up and breaking in unless he had that three thousand dollars in safe hands where he couldn't touch it he would no more last few six weeks than of course he wouldn't said Thompson I've edited books for that kind of people and the moment they get their hands on the royalty maybe it's three thousand maybe it's two thousand what business is that shoemaker with two thousand dollars I should like to know broken Rogers earnestly a man perhaps perfectly contented now there in Mannheim surrounded by his own class eating his bread with the appetite which laborious industry alone can give enjoying his humble life honest upright pure and heart and blessed yes I say blessed blessed above all the myriads that go in silk attire and walk the empty artificial round of social fire but just you put that temptation before him once just you laid fifteen hundred dollars before a man like that and say fifteen hundred devils cry by five hundred would rot his principles paralyze his industry drag him to the room shop then to the gutter then to the alms house then to why put up on yourself this crime gentlemen interrupted the poet earnestly and appealingly he is happy where he is and as he is every sentiment of honor every sentiment of charity every sentiment of high and sacred benevolence warns us beseeches us commands us to leave him undisturbed that is real friendship that is true friendship we could follow other courses that would be more showy but none that would be so truly kind and wise depend upon it after some further talk it became evident that each of us down in his heart felt some misgivings over the settlement of the matter it was manifest that we all felt that we ought to send the poor shoemaker something there was long and thoughtful discussion of this point and we finally decided to send him a chromo well now that everything seemed to be arranged satisfactorily to everybody concerned a new trouble broke out it transpired that these two men were expecting to share equally in the money with me that was not my idea I said that if they got half of it between them they might consider themselves lucky rogers said who would have had any if it hadn't been for me I flung out the first hint but for that it would all have gone to the shoemaker Thompson said that he was thinking of the thing himself at the very moment that rogers had originally spoken I retorted that the idea would have occurred to me plenty soon enough and without anybody's help I was slow about thinking maybe but I was sure this matter warmed up into a quarrel then into a fight and each man got pretty badly battered as soon as I had got myself mended up after a fashion I ascended to the hurricane deck in a pretty sour humor I found Captain McCord there and said as pleasantly as my humor would permit I have come to say goodbye captain I wish to go ashore at Napoleon go ashore where Napoleon the captain laughed at seeing that I was not in a jovial mood stopped that and said but are you serious serious I certainly am captain glanced up at the pilot house and said he wants to get off at Napoleon Napoleon that's what he says Chris Caesar's ghost Uncle Mumford approached along the deck the captain said uncle here's a friend of yours wants to get off in Napoleon well bye I said come what is all this about can't a man go ashore Napoleon if he wants to why hang it don't you know there isn't any Napoleon anymore hasn't been for years and years the Arkansas River burst through it tore it all to rags and emptied it into Mississippi carried the whole town away banks churches jails newspaper offices courthouse theater fire department livery stable everything everything just a 15 minute job or such a matter didn't leave hide nor hair shred nor shingle of it except the fag end of a shanty and one brick chimney this boat is paddling along right now where the dead center of that town used to be yonder is the brick chimney all that's left of Napoleon these dense woods on the right used to be a mile back of the town take a look behind you upstream now you begin to recognize this country don't you yes I do recognize it now it is the most wonderful thing I ever heard of by a long shot the most wonderful and unexpected Mr. Thompson and Mr. Rogers had arrived meantime with satchels and umbrellas and had silently listened to the captain's news Thompson put a half dollar in my hand and said softly for my share of the chromo Rogers followed suit yes it was an astonishing thing to see the Mississippi rolling between unpeopleed shores and straight over the spot where I used to see a good big self-complacent town twenty years ago town that was county seat of a great and important county town with a big united states marine hospital town of innumerable fights an inquest every day town where I had used to know the prettiest girl and the most accomplished in the whole Mississippi valley town where we were handed the first printed news of the pennsylvania's mournful disaster a quarter of a century ago a town no more swallowed up vanished and gone to feed the fishes nothing left but a fragment of a shanty and a crumbling brick chimney end of chapter thirty two this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter thirty three refreshments and ethics in regard to island seventy four which is situated not far from the former Napoleon a freak of the river here has sorely perplexed the laws of men and made them a vanity and a jest when the state of Arkansas was chartered she controlled to the center of the river a most unstable line the state of Mississippi claimed to the channel another shifty and unstable line number seventy four belonged to Arkansas by and by a cutoff through this big island out of Arkansas and yet not within Mississippi middle of the river on one side of it channel on the other that is as I understand the problem whether I have got the details right or wrong this fact remains that here is this big and exceedingly valuable island of four thousand acres thrust out in the cold and belonging to neither the one state nor the other paying taxes to neither owing allegiance to neither one man owns the whole island and of right is the man without a country island ninety two belongs to Arkansas the river moved it over and joined it to Mississippi a chap established a whiskey shop there without a Mississippi license and enriched himself upon Mississippi custom under Arkansas protection where no license was in those days required we glided steadily down the river in the usual privacy steamboat or other moving things seldom seen scenery is always stretch upon stretch of almost unbroken forest on both sides of the river soundless solitude here and there a cabin or two standing in small openings on the gray and grassless banks cabins which had formerly stood a quarter or half mile farther to the front and gradually been pulled farther and farther back as the shores caved in as that filters point for instance where the cabins had been moved back three hundred yards in three months so we were told but the caving banks had already caught up with them and they were being conveyed rearward once more Napoleon had but small opinion of Greenville Mississippi in the old times but behold Napoleon is gone to the catfishes and here is Greenville full of life and activity and making a considerable flourish in the valley having three thousand inhabitants it is said and doing a gross trade of two and a half million dollars annually a growing town there was much talk on the boat about the Calhoun land company an enterprise which is expected to work holes from results Colonel Calhoun a grandson of the statesman went to Boston and formed a syndicate which purchased a large tract of land on the river in Chico County Arkansas some ten thousand acres for cotton growing the purpose is to work on a cash basis buy at first hands and handle their own product supply their laborers with provisions and necessaries at a trifling profit say eight or ten percent furnish them comfortable quarters etc and encourage them to save money and remain on the place if this proves a financial success as seems quite certain they propose to establish a banking house in Greenville and lend money at an unburdened some rate of interest six percent is spoken of the trouble here before has been and quoting remarks of planters and steamboatmen but the planters although owning the land were without cash capital had to hypothecate both land and crop to carry on the business consequently the commission dealer who furnishes the money takes some risk and demands big interest usually 10 percent and two half percent for negotiating the loan the planter has also to buy his supplies through the same dealer paying commissions and profits then when he ships his crop the dealer adds his commissions insurance etc so taking it by and large and first and last the dealers share of that crop is about 25 percent footnote but what can the state do where the people are under subjection to rates of interest ranging from 18 to 30 percent and are also under the necessity of purchasing their crops in advance even of planting at these rates for the privilege of purchasing all their supplies at 100 percent profit Edward Atkinson a cotton planters estimate of the average margin of profit on planting in his section one man and mule will raise 10 acres of cotton giving 10 bales of cotton worth say 500 dollars cost of production say 350 net profit 150 or 15 dollars per acre there is also a profit now from the cotton seed which formerly had little value none where much transportation was necessary in 1600 pounds crude cotton 400 our lint worth say 10 cents a pound and 1200 pounds of seed worth 12 or 13 dollars per ton maybe in future even the stems will not be thrown away Mr Edward Atkinson says that for each bale of cotton there are 1500 pounds of stems and that these are very rich in phosphate of lime and potash that when ground and mixed with ensalage or cotton seed meal which is too rich for use as fodder in large quantities the stem mixture makes a superior food rich in all the elements needed for the production of milk meat and bone here before the stems have been considered a nuisance complaint is made that the planter remains grouty toward the former slave since the war will have nothing but a chill business relation with him no sentiment permitted to intrude will not keep a store himself and supply the Negro's wants and thus protect the Negro's pocket and make him able and willing to stay on the place and an advantage to him to do it but let's that privilege to some thrifty Israelite who encourages the thoughtless Negro and wife to buy all sorts of things which they could do without buy on credit at big prices month after month credit based on the Negro share of the growing crop and at the end of the season the Negro share belongs to the Israelite the Negro is in debt the sides is discouraged dissatisfied restless and both he and the planter are injured for he will take steamboat and migrate and the planter must get a stranger in his place who does not know him does not care for him will fatten the Israelite a season and follow his predecessor for a steamboat it is hoped that Calhoun company will show by its humane and protective treatment of its laborers and its method is the most profitable for both planter and Negro and it is believed that a general adoption of that method will then follow and where so many are saying they are say shall not the barkeeper testify he is thoughtful observant never drinks endeavors to earn his salary and would earn it if there were custom enough he says that people along here in Mississippi and Louisiana will send up the river to buy vegetables rather than raise them and they will come aboard at the landings and buy fruits of the barkeeper thinks they don't know anything but cotton believes they don't know how to raise vegetables and fruit at least the most of them says a nigger will go to H for a watermelon H is all I find in the stenographers report means Halifax probably though that seems a good way to go for a watermelon barkeeper buys a watermelon for five cents up the river brings them down and sells them for fifty why does he mix such elaborate and picturesque drinks for the nigger hands on the boat because they won't have any other they want a big drink don't make any difference what you make it off they want the worth of their money you give a nigger a plain gill of half a dollar brandy for five cents will he touch it no eight thighs enough to it that you put up a pint of all kinds of worthless rubbish and he wins some red stuff to make it beautiful reds the main thing and he wouldn't put down that glass to go to a circus all the bars on this anchor line are rented and owned by one firm they furnish the liquors from their own establishment and hire the barkeepers on salary good liquors yes on some of the boats where there are the kind of passengers that want it and can pay for it on the other boats no nobody but the tech hands and the fireman to drink it brandy yes i've got brandy plenty of it but you don't want any of it unless you've made your will it isn't as it used to be in the old times then everybody traveled by steamboat everybody drank and everybody treated everybody else now most everybody goes by railroad and the rest don't drink in the old times the barkeeper owned the bar himself and was gay and smarty and talky and all jeweled up and was a tony as the aristocrat on the boat used to make two thousand dollars on a trip a father who left his son a steamboat bar left him a fortune now he leaves him bored and lodging yes and washing if a shirt trip will do yes indeedy times are changed why do you know on the principal line of boats on the upper mississippi they don't have any bar at all sounds like poetry but it's the petrified truth end of chapter 33 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 34 tough yarns stack island i remembered stack island also lake providence louisanna which is the first distinctly southern look in town you come to downward bound lies level and low shade trees hung with venerable gray bears of spanish moss restful pensive sunday aspect about the place comments uncle mumford with feeling also with truth uh mr h furnished some minor details of fact concerning this region which i would have hesitated to believe if i had not known him to be a steamboat mate he was a passenger of ours a resident of arkansas city and bound to vicksburg to join his boat a little sunflower packet he was an austere man and had the reputation of being singularly unworldly for a river man among other things he said that arkansas had been injured and kept back by generations of exaggerations concerning the mosquitoes here one may smile said he and turn the matter off as being a small thing but when you come to look at the effects produced in the way of discouragement of immigration and diminished values of property it was quite the opposite of a small thing or thing in any wise to be coughed down or sneered at these mosquitoes had been persistently represented as being formidable and lawless whereas the truth is they are feeble insignificant in size different to a fault sensitive and so on and so on you would have supposed he was talking about his family but if he was soft on the arkansas mosquitoes he was hard enough on the mosquitoes of lake providence to make up for it those lake providence colossi as he finally called him he said that two of them could whip a dog and that four of them could hold a man down and accept help come they would kill him butcher him as he expressed it referred in a sort of casual way and yet significant way to the fact that the life policy in its simplest form is unknown in lake providence they take out a mosquito policy besides he told many remarkable things about those lawless insects among others said he had seen them try to vote noticing that this statement seemed to be a good deal of a strain on us he modified it a little said he might have been mistaken as to that particular but knew he had seen them around the poles canvassing there was another passenger friend of h's who backed up the harsh evidence against those mosquitoes and detail some stirring adventures which he had had with them the stories were pretty sizable merely pretty sizable yet mr h was continually interrupting with a cold inexorable wait knock off 25 percent of that now go on or wait you are getting that too strong cut it down cut it down you get a little too much customary on to your statements always dress a fact in plates never in an ulster or pardon once more if you are going to load anything more onto that statement you want to get a couple of lighters and tow the rest because it's drawing all the water there is in the river already stick to facts just stick to the cold facts what these gentlemen want for a book is the frozen truth ain't that so gentlemen he explained privately that it was necessary to watch this man all the time and keep him within bounds it would not do to neglect this precaution as he mr h knew to his sorrow said he I will not deceive you he told me such a monstrous lie once that it swelled my left ear up and spread it so that I was actually not able to see out around it it remained so for months and people came miles to see me fan myself with it end of chapter 34 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life in the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 35 Vicksburg during the trouble we used to plow past the lofty hill city Vicksburg downstream but we cannot do that now a cutoff has made a country town of it like Osceola St. Genevieve and several others there is a currentless water also a big island in front of Vicksburg now you come down the river or the other side of the island and turn and come up to the town that is in high water in low water you can't come up but must land some distance below it signs and scars still remain as reminders of Vicksburg's tremendous war experiences earthworks trees crippled by the cannonballs cave refuges in the clay precipices etc the caves did good service during the six weeks bombardment of the city may 8th to July 4th 1863 they were used by the non-combatants mainly by the women and children not to live in constantly but to fly to for safety on occasion they were mere holes tunnels driven into the perpendicular clay bank then branched y shape within the hill life in Vicksburg during the six weeks was perhaps but wait here are some materials out of which to reproduce it population 27,000 soldiers 3000 non-combatants the city utterly cut off from the world walled solidly in the frontage by gunboats the rear by soldiers and batteries hence no buying and selling with the outside no passing to and fro no god-speeding a parting guest no welcoming a coming one no printed acres of worldwide news to be read at breakfast mornings a tedious dull absence of such matter instead hence also no running to see steamboat smoking interview in the distance up or down and plowing toward the town for none came the river lay vacant and undisturbed no rush and turmoil around the railway station no struggling over bewildered swarms of passengers by noisy mobs of hack men all quiet there flower $200 a barrel sugar 30 corn $10 a bushel bacon $5 a pound rum $100 a gallon other things in proportion consequently no roar and racket of Drays and carriages tearing along the streets nothing for them to do among that handful of non-combatants of exhausted means at three o'clock in the morning silence silence so dead that the measured trap of a sentinel can be heard a seemingly impossible distance out of hearing of this lonely sound perhaps the stillness is absolute all in a moment come ground shaking thunder crashes of artillery the sky is cobwebbed with the crisscrossing red lines streaming from soaring bombshells and a rain of iron fragments descends upon the city descends upon the empty streets streets which are not empty a moment later but mottled with dim figures of frantic women and children scurrying from home in bed toward the cave dungeons encouraged by the humorous grim soldiery who shout rats to your holes and laugh the cannon thunder rages shells scream and crash overhead the iron rain pours down one hour two hours three possibly six then stops silence follows but the streets are still empty the silence continues by and by a head projects from a cave here and there and yonder and reconnoiters cautiously the silence still continuing bodies follow heads and jaded half smothered creatures group themselves about stretch their cramped limbs draw in deep drafts of the grateful fresh air gossip with the neighbors from the next cave maybe straggle off home presently or take a lounge through the town if the stillness continues and will scurry to the holes again by and by when the war tempest breaks forth once more there being but three thousand of these cave dwellers merely the population of a village would they not come to know each other after a week or two and familiarly in so much that the fortunate or unfortunate experiences of one would be of interest to all those are the materials furnished by history from them might not almost anybody reproduce for himself the life of that time in vicksburg could you who did not experience it come nearer to reproducing it to the imagination of another non participant than could have vicksburger who did experience it it seems impossible and yet there are reasons why it might not really be when one makes his first voyage in a ship it is an experience which multitudinously bristles with striking novelties novelties which are in such sharp contrast with all this person's former experiences that they take a seemingly deathless grip upon his imagination and memory by tongue or pen he can make a landsman live that strange and stirring voyage over with him make him see it all and feel it all but if he wait if he make ten voyages in succession what then why the thing has lost colors not surprised and has become commonplace the man would have nothing to tell that would quicken a landsman's pulse years ago i talked with a couple of the vicksburg non-combatants a man and his wife left to tell their story in their own way those people told it without fire almost without interest a week of their wonderful life there would have made their tongues eloquent forever perhaps but they had six weeks of it and that wore the novelty all out they got used to being bombshelled out of home and into the ground the matter became commonplace after that the possibility of their ever being startlingly interesting in their talks about it was gone what the man said was to this effect it got to be sunday all the time seven sundays in the week to us anyway we hadn't anything to do and time hung heavy seven sundays and all of them broken up at one time or another in the day or in the night by a few hours of the awful storm of fire and thunder and iron at first we used to shin for the holes a good deal faster than we did afterwards the first time i forgot the children and maria fetched them both along when she was all safe in the cave she fainted two or three weeks afterwards when she was running for the holes one morning through a shell shower a big shell burst near her and covered her all over with dirt and a piece of the iron carried away her game bag of false hair from the back of her head well she stopped to get that game bag before she shoved along again was getting used to things already you see we all got so that we could tell a good deal about shells and after that we didn't always go under shelter if it was a light shower us men would loaf around and talk and a man would say there she goes and name the kind of shell it was from the sound of it and go on talking if there wasn't any danger from it if a shell was bursting close over us we stopped talking and stood still uncomfortable yes but it wasn't safe to move when it let go we went on talking again if nobody hurt maybe saying that was a ripper or some such commonplace comment before we resumed or maybe we would see a shell poison itself away high in the air overhead in that case every fellow just whipped out of sudden see again gents and shoved often and often i saw gangs of ladies promenading the streets looking as cheerful as you please and keeping an eye counted up watching the cells and i've seen them stop still when they were uncertain about what a shell was going to do and wait and make certain and after that they sat along again or lit out for shelter according to the verdict streets and some towns have a litter of pieces of paper and odds and ends of one sort or another lying around ours happened they had iron litter sometimes a man would gather up all the iron fragments and unversed shells in his neighborhood and file them into a kind of monument in his front yard a ton of it sometimes no glass left glass couldn't stand such a bombardment it was all shivered out windows of the house is vacant looked like eye holes in a skull whole pains were as scarce as news we had church sundays not many they are along at first but by and by pretty good turnouts i've seen service stop a minute and everybody sit quiet no voice heard pretty funeral like them and all the more so on account of the awful boom and crash going on outside and overhead and pretty soon when the body could be heard service would go on again organs and church music mixed up with a bombardment is a powerful clear combination long at first coming out of church one morning we had an accident the only one that happened around me on a sunday i was just having a hearty handshake with a friend i hadn't seen for a while and saying drop into our cave tonight after bombardment we've got hold of a pint of prime whiskey i was going to say you know and a shell interrupted a chunk of it cut the man's arm off i left it dangling in my hand and you know the thing that is going to stick the longest in my memory and outlast everything else little and big i reckon is the means thought i had then it was the whiskey is saved and yet don't you know it was kind of excusable because it was as scarce as diamonds and we had only just that little never had another taste during the siege sometimes the caves were desperately crowded and all was hot and close sometimes a cave had 20 or 25 people packed into it no turning room for anybody they're so foul sometimes you couldn't have made a candle burn in it the child was born in one of those caves one night think of that why it was like having it born in a trunk price we had 16 people in our cave and a number of times we had a dozen pretty suffocating in there we always had eight eight belong there younger and misery and sickness and fright and sorrow and i don't know what all got so loaded into them that none of them were ever rightly their old cells after the siege they all died but three of us within a couple of years one night a shell burst in front of the hole and caved it in and stopped it up it was lively times for a while digging out some of us came near smothering after that we made two openings ought to thought it out at first meal meat no we only got down to that the last day or two of course it was good anything is good when you're starving this man had kept a diary during six weeks no only the first six days the first day eight close pages the second five the third one loosely written the fourth three or four lines a line or two the fifth and six days seventh day diary abandoned life and terrific vixberg have now become common place and matter of course the war history of vixberg has more about it to interest the general raider than that of any other of the river towns it is full of variety full of incident full of the picturesque vixberg held out longer than any other important river town and saw warfare in all its phases those land and water the siege the line the assault the repulse the bombardment sickness captivity famine the most beautiful of all the national cemeteries is here over the great gateway is this inscription here rest in peace sixteen thousand six hundred who died for their country in the years 1861 to 1865 the grounds are nobly situated being very high and commanding a wide prospect of land and river they are tastefully laid out in broad terraces with winding roads and paths and there is profuse adornment in the way of semi-tropical shrubs and flowers and in one part is a piece of native wildwood left just as a crew and therefore perfect in its charm everything about this cemetery suggests the hand of the national government the government's work is always conspicuous for excellence solidity thoroughness neatness the government does its work well in the first place and then takes care of it by winding roads which were often cut to so great a depth between perpendicular walls that they were mere ruthless tunnels we drove out a mile or two and visited the monument which stands upon the scene of the surrender of vixberg to general grant by general pemberton its metal will preserve it from the hackings and chipping this which so defaced its predecessor which was of marble but the brick foundations are crumbling and it will tumble down by and by it overlooks the picturesque region of wooded hills and ravines and is not on picturesque itself being well smothered in flowering weeds the battered remnant of the marble monument has been removed to the national cemetery on the road a quarter of a mile townward an aged colored man showed us with pride an unexploded bombshell which has lain in his yard since the day it fell there during the siege i was a standing here and a dog was a standing here the dog he went for the shell quite a pick up the fuss with it but i didn't i says just make yourself at home here they still why is or bust up the place just as he's a mine too but i's got business out in the woods i has vixberg is a town of substantial business streets and pleasant residences it commands the commerce of the yazu and the sunflower rivers is pushing railways in several directions through rich agricultural regions and has a promising future of prosperity and importance apparently nearly all the river towns big and little have made up their minds that they must look mainly to railroads for wealth and upbuilding henceforth they are acting upon this idea the signs are that the next 20 years will bring about some noteworthy changes in the valley in the direction of increased population and wealth and in the intellectual advancement and the liberalizing of opinion which go naturally with ease and yet if one may judge by the past the river towns will manage to find and use a chance here and there to cripple and retard their progress they kept themselves back in the days of steamboating supremacy by a system of orphanage dues so stupidly great it has to prohibit what may be called small retail traffic and freight and passengers boats were charged such heavy warfuge that they could not afford to land for one or two passengers or a light load of freight instead of encouraging the bringing of trade to their doors the towns diligently and effectively discouraged it they could have made many boats and low rates but their policy rendered few boats and high rates compulsory it was a policy which extended and extends from new Orleans to faint pole we had a strong desire to make a trip up the yazoo and the sunflower an interesting region at any time but additionally interesting at this time because up there the great inundation was still to be seen in force but we were nearly sure to have to wait a day or more for an orleans boat on our return so we were obliged to give up the project here is a story which i picked up on board the boat that night i inserted in this place merely because it is a good story not because it belongs here or doesn't it was told by a passenger a college professor and was called to the surface in the course of a general conversation which began with talk about horses gifted into talk about astronomy then into talk about the lynching of the gamblers in vicksburg half a century ago then into talk about dreams and superstitions and ended after midnight in a dispute over free trade and protection end of chapter thirty five this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter thirty six the professor's yarn it was in the early days i was not a college professor then i was a humble minded young land surveyor with a world before me to survey in case anybody wanted it done i had a contract to survey a route for a great mining ditch in california and i was on my way through there by sea a three or four weeks voyage there were a good many passengers but i had very little to say to them reading and dreaming were my passions and i avoided conversation in order to indulge these appetites there were three professional gamblers on board rough repulsive fellows i never had any talk with them yet i could not help seeing them with some frequency or they gambled in an upper deck stateroom every day and night and in my promenades i often had glimpses of them through their door which stood a little ajar to let out the surplus tobacco smoke and profanity they were an evil and hateful presence but i had to put up with it of course there was one other passenger who fell under my eye a good deal for he seemed determined to be friendly with me and i could not have gotten rid of him without running some chance of hurting his feelings and i was far from wishing to do that besides there was something engaging in his contrived simplicity and his beaming good nature the first time i saw this mr john backus i guessed from his clothes and his looks that he was a grazer or farmer from the backwards of some western state doubtless ohio and afterward when he dropped into his personal history and i discovered that he was a cattle razor from interior ohio i was so pleased with my own penetration that i warmed toward him for verifying my instinct he got to dropping alongside me every day after breakfast to help me make my promenade and so in the course of time his easy working jaw had told me everything about his business his prospects his family his relatives his politics in fact everything that concerned abacus living or dead and meantime i think he had managed to get out of me everything i knew about my trade my tribe my purposes my prospects and myself he was a gentle and persuasive genius and this thing showed it for i was not given to talking about my matters i said something about triangulation once the stately word pleased his ear he inquired what it meant i explained after that he quietly and inoffensively ignored my name and always called me triangle what an enthusiast he was in cattle at the bare name of a bull or a cow his eye would light and his eloquent tongue would turn itself loose as long as i would walk and listen he would walk and talk he knew all breeds he loved all breeds he caressed them all with his affectionate tongue i tramped along in voiceless misery whilst the cattle question was up when i could endure it no longer i used to definitely insert a scientific topic into the conversation then my eye fired and his faded my tongue fluttered his stopped life was a joy to me and a sadness to him one day he said a little hesitatingly and was somewhat of diffidence triangle would you mind coming down to my stake room a minute and have a little talk on a certain matter i went with him at once arrived there he put his head out glanced up and down the saloon wherely then closed the door and locked it he sat down on the sofa and he said i'm going to make a little proposition to you and if it strikes you favorable it'll be a middle and good thing for both of us you ain't going out to california for fun now they're my it's business ain't that so well you can do me a good turn and so can i you if we see fit i've raked and scraped and saved a considerable many years and i've got it all here he unlocked an old hair trunk tumbled a chaos of shabby clothes aside and drew a short stout bag into view for a moment and buried again and relocked the trunk dropping his voice to a cautious low tone he continued she's all there around ten thousand dollars in yellow boys now this is my little idea what i don't know about raising cattle ain't worth knowing there's mints of money in it in california well i know and you know that all along the line that's being surveyed there's little dabs of land that they call gores that fall to the surveyor free gratis for nothing all you've got to do on your side is to survey in such a way that the gores will fall on good fat land and you turn them over to me i stock them with cattle in rolls the cash i plank out your share that all is regular right along and i was sorry to wither his blooming enthusiasm but it could not be helped i interrupted and said severely i am not that kind of a surveyor let us change the subject mr. backers it was pitiful to see his confusion and hear his awkward and shame-faced apologies i was as much distressed as he was especially as he seemed so far from having suspected that there was anything improper in his proposition so i hasten to console him and lead him on to forget his mishap in a conversational orgy about cattle and butchery we were lying at a capulco and as we went on deck it happened luckily that the crew were just beginning to hoist some bees aboard in slings back as his melancholy vanished instantly and with it the memory of his late mistake now only look at that cried he my goodness triangle what would they say to it in ohio wouldn't their eyes bug out to see him handle like that wouldn't they though all passengers were on deck to look even the gamblers and backers knew them all and had afflicted them all with his pet topic as i moved away i saw one of the gamblers approached and across him then another of them and the third i halted waited watched the conversation continued between the four men it grew earnest back as drew gradually away the gamblers followed and kept at his elbow i was uncomfortable however as they passed me presently i heard back a say with a tone of persecuted annoyance but it ain't any use gentlemen i tell you again as i've told you a half dozen times before i weren't raised to it and i ain't a going to rescue i felt relieved his levelhead will be his sufficient protection i said to myself during the fortnight's run from a capulco to san francisco i several times saw the gamblers talking earnestly with backers and once i threw out a gentle warning to him he chuckled comfortably and said oh yes they tag around after me considerable want me to play a little just for amusement they say but laws of me if my folks have told me once to look out for that sort of livestock they've told me a thousand times i reckon i'm by in due course we were approaching san francisco it was an ugly black knight with a strong wind blowing but there was not much see i was on deck alone toward ten i started below a figure issued from the gamblers then and disappeared in the darkness i experienced a shock for i was sure it was back us i flew down the companion way looked about for him could not find him then returned to the deck just in time to catch a glimpse of him as he re-entered that confounded nest of rascality had he yielded it last i feared it what had he gone below for his bag of coin possibly i drew near the door full of boatings it was a crack and i glanced in and saw a sight that made me bitterly wish i had given my attention to saving my poor cattle friend instead of reading and dreaming my foolish time away he was gambling or still he was being plied with champagne and was already showing some effect from it he praised the cider as he called it and said now that he got a taste of it he almost believed he would drink it if it was spirits if it was so good and so ahead of anything he had ever run across before surreptitious smiles that this passed from one rascal to another and they filled all the glasses and whilst backest honestly dreamed his to the bottom they pretended to do the same but threw the wine over their shoulders i could not bear the scene so i wandered forward and tried to interest myself in the sea and the voices of the wind no my uneasy spirit kept dragging me back at quarter-hour intervals and always i saw backest drinking his wine fairly and squarely and the others throwing theirs away it was the painfulest night i ever spent the only hope i had was that we might reach our anchorage with speed that would break up the game i helped the ship along all i could with my prayers at last we went booming through the golden date and my pulses left for joy i hurried back to that door and glanced in alas there was small room for hope back as his eyes were heavy and bloodshot his sweaty face was crimson his speech maudlin and thick his body sawed drunkenly about with the weaving motion of the ship he drained another glass to the dregs whilst the cards were being dealt he took his hand glanced at it and his doll eyes lit up for a moment the gamblers observed it and showed the gratification by hardly perceptible signs how many cards none said backest one villain named hank wiley discarded one card the others three each the betting began here to four the bets had been trifling a dollar or two but backest started off with an eagle now wiley hesitated a moment then saw it and went ten dollars better the other two threw up their hands backers went 20 better wiley said i see that and call you a hundred better then smiled and reached for the money let alone said backers with drunken gravity what you mean to say you're going to cover it cover it well i reckon i am i lay another hundred on top of it too he reached down inside his overcoat and produced the required some oh that's your little game is it i see your raise and raise it five hundred said wiley five hundred better said the foolish bull driver and pulled out to summon showered it on the pile the three conspirators hardly tried to conceal their exaltation all diplomacy and pretense were dropped now and the sharp exclamations came thick and fast as the yellow pyramid grew higher and higher at last ten thousand dollars lay in view wiley cast a bag of coin on the table and said with mocking gentleness five thousand dollars better my friend from the rural districts what do you say now i call you said backers leaving his golden shot bag on the pile what have you got four kings you name fool and wiley threw down his cards and surrounded the stakes with his arms four aces you ask thundered backers puzzling his man with a cocked revolver i'm a professional gambler myself and i've been laying for you duffers all this voyage down went the anchor rumbly dumb dumb and a long trip was ended well well it is a sad world one of the three gamblers was back as his pal it was he that dealt the fateful hands according to an understanding with the two victims he was to have given back as four queens but alas he didn't a week later i stumbled upon back as a raid in the height of fashion in montgomery street he said cheerily as we were departing ah by the way you needn't mind about those gores i don't really know anything about cattle except what i was able to pick up in a week's apprenticeship over in jersey just before we failed my cattle culture and cattle enthusiasm have served their turn i shan't need them anymore next day we reluctantly parted from the gold dust and her officers hoping to see that boat and all those officers again someday a thing which the fates were to render tragically impossible end of chapter 36 this is a libravox recording all libravox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 37 the end of the gold dust for three months later august 8 while i was writing one of these foregoing chapters the new york papers brought this telegram a terrible disaster 17 persons killed by an explosion on the steamer gold dust nashville august 7 a dispatch from hickman kentucky says the steamer gold dust exploded her boilers at three o'clock today just after leaving hickman 47 persons were scalded and 17 are missing the boat was landed in the eddy just above the town and through the exertions of the citizens the cabin passengers officers and part of the crew and deck passengers were taken ashore and removed to the hotels and residences 24 of the injured were lying in holtman's dry goods store at one time where they received every attention before being removed to more comfortable places a list of the names followed whereby it appeared that of the 17 dead one was the bar keeper and among the 47 wounded were the captain chief mate second mate and second and third clerks also mr lem s gray pilot and several members of the crew in answer to a private telegram we learned that none of these was severely hurt except mr gray letters received afterward confirmed this news and said that mr gray was improving and would get well later letters spoke less hopefully of his case and finally came one announcing his death a good man a most companiable and manly man and worthy of a kindlier fate end of chapter 37 this is a liberfox recording all liberfox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit liberfox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 38 the house beautiful we took passage in a Cincinnati boat for new Orleans or on a Cincinnati boat either is correct the former is the eastern form of putting it the latter is the western mr dickens declined to agree that the mississippi steamboats were magnificent or that they were floating palaces terms which had always been applied to them terms which did not overexpress the admiration with which the people viewed them mr dickens position was unassailable possibly the people's position was certainly unassailable if mr dickens was comparing these boats with the crown jewels or with the pause or with the matter horn or with some other priceless or a wonderful thing which he had seen then they were not magnificent he was right the people compared them with what they had seen and thus measured thus judged the boats were magnificent the term was the correct one it was not at all too strong the people were as right as was mr dickens the steamboats were finer than anything on shore compared with superior dwelling houses and first-class hotels in the valley they were indubitably magnificent they were palaces to a few people living in new orleans and st louis they were not magnificent perhaps not palaces but to the great majority of those populations and to the entire population spread over both banks between baton rouge and st louis they were palaces they tallied with a citizen's dream of what magnificence was and satisfied it every town and village along that vast stretch of double riverfrontage had a best dwelling finest dwelling mansion the home of its wealthiest and most conspicuous citizen it is easy to describe it large grassy yard with hailing fence painted white in fair repair brick walk from gate to door big square two-story frame house painted white and porticoed like a grecian temple with this difference that the imposing fluted columns and carinthian capitals were a pathetic sham being made of white pine and painted iron knocker brass doorknob discolored for lack of polishing within an uncarpeted hall of planed boards opening out of it a power 15 feet by 15 in some instances five or 10 feet larger ingrained carpet mahogany center table lamp on it with green paper shade standing on a gridiron so to speak made of high colored yarns by the young ladies of the house and called a lamp mat several books piled and disposed with cast iron exactness according to an inherited and unchangeable plan among them tupper much penciled also friendships offering and affections wreath with their sappy inanities illustrated in dioe mesotens also ocean alonzo and melissa maybe ivan hoe also album full of original poetry of the thou hast wounded the spirit that loved the breed two or three goody goody works shepherd of solsbury plain etc current number of the chased and innocuous goodies ladies book with painted fashion plate of wax figure women with mouths all alike lips and eyelids the same size each five foot woman with a two inch wedge sticking from under her dress and letting on to be half of her foot polished airtight stove new and deadly invention with pipe passing through a board which closes up the discarded old fireplace on each end of the wooden mantle over the fireplace a large basket of peaches and other fruits natural size all done in plaster rudely or in wax and painted to resemble the originals which they don't over middle of mantle engraving washington crossing the Delaware on the wall by the door copy of it done in thunder and lightning pools by one of the young ladies work of art which would have made washington hesitate about crossing if he could have foreseen what advantage was going to be taken of it piano tattle in disguise with music bound and unbound piled on it and on a stand nearby battle of Prague bird walls arkansas traveler rosin the bow marseille hymn on a lone baron aisle saint helena the last link is broken she wore a wreath of roses the night when last we met go forget me why should sorrow or that brow a shadow fling ours there were two memory dearer long long ago days of absence a life on the ocean wave a home on the rolling deep bird at sea and spread open on the rack where the planter singer has left it row hold on silver moon guide the traveler his way etc tilted pensively against the piano the guitar guitar capable of playing the spanish fandango by itself if you give it a start frantic work of art on the wall pious motto done on the premises sometimes in colored yarns sometimes in faded grasses progenitor of the god bless our home of modern commerce framed in black moldings on the wall other works of arts conceived and committed on the premises by the young ladies being grim black and white crayons landscapes mostly lake solitary sailboat petrified clouds free geological trees on shore answer site precipice name of criminal conspicuous in the corner lithograph napoleon crossing the alps lithograph the grave at saint helena steel plates trumbles battle of bunker hill and the sally from Gibraltar copper plates moses smiting the rock and return of the prodigal son in the big guilt frame slander the family in oil papa holding a book constitution of the united states guitar leaning against mama blue ribbons fluttering from its neck the young ladies as children in slippers and scalloped pantalettes one embracing toy horse the other beguiling kitten with ball of yarn and both simpering up at mama who simpers back these persons all fresh raw and red apparently skinned opposite in guilt frame grandpa and grandma at 30 and 22 stiff old-fashioned high-collared puffs sleeved glaring paledly out from a background of solid egyptian night under a glass french clock dome large bouquet of stiff flowers done in porpsy white wax pyramidal whatnot in the corner the shells occupied chiefly with bric-a-brac of the period disposed with an eye to best effect shell with the lord's prayer carved on it another shell of the long oval sort narrow straight orifice three inches long running from end to end or trip of washington carved on it not well done the shell had washington's mouse originally artists should have built to that these two are memorials of the long ago bridal trip to norlands and the french market other bric-a-brac california specimens quartz with gold wart hearing old guinea gold locket with circlet of ancestral hair in it indian arrowheads of flint pair of bead moccasins from uncle who crossed the plains three alum baskets of various colors being scalloped in frame of wire closed on with cubes of crystallized alum in the rock candy style works of art which were achieved by the young ladies their doubles and duplicates to be found upon all what nots in the land convention of desiccated bugs and butterflies pinned to a card painted toy dog seated upon bellows attachment drops its underdraw and squeaks when pressed upon sugar candy rabbit limbs and features merged together not strongly defined future presidential campaign metal miniature cardboard wood sawyer to be attached to the stove pipe and operated by the heat small napoleon done in wax spread open daguerreotypes of dim children parents cousins aunts and friends in all attitudes but customary ones no temple to portico at back and manufactured landscapes stretching away in the distance that came in later with the photograph all these vague figures lavishly chained and ringed metal indicated and secured from doubt by stripes and splashes of vivid gold bronze all of them too much combed too much fixed up and all of them uncomfortable in inflexible Sunday clothes of a pattern which the spectator cannot realize could ever have been in fashion husband and wife generally grouped together husband sitting wife standing with hand on his shoulder and both preserving all these fading ears some traceable effect of the daguerreotypes brisk now smile if you please bracketed over what not place of special sacredness an outrage in watercolor done by the young niece that came on a visit long ago and died pity too for she might have repented of this in time horse hair chairs horse hair sofa which keeps sliding from under you window shades of oil stuff with milk maids and ruined castles penciled on them in fierce colors lamborghins dependent from gaudy boxings of beaten tin gilded bedrooms with rag carpets bedsteads of corded sort with a sag in the middle the cords needing tightening snuffy feather bed not aired often enough cane seat chairs splint-bottomed rocker looking glass on wall school slate size veneered frame inherited bureau washbowl and pitcher possibly but not certainly brass candlestick tallow candle snuffers nothing else in the room not a bathroom in the house and no visitor likely to come along who has ever seen one that was the residence of the principal citizen all the way from the suburbs of norlands to the edge of saint louis when he stepped aboard a big fine steamboat he entered a new and marvelous world chimney tops cut to counterfeit a spraying crown of cleans and maybe painted red pilot house hurricane deck boiler deck guards all garnished with white wooden filigree work of fanciful patterns gilt acorns topping the derrick's gilt deer horns over the big bell gaudy symbolical picture on the paddle box possibly big roomy boiler deck painted blue and furnished with Windsor arm inside a far receding snow white cabin porcelain knob and oil picture on every stateroom door curving patterns of filigree work touched up with building stretching overhead all down the converging vista big chandeliers every little way each an april shower of glittering glass drops lovely rainbow light falling everywhere from the colored glazing of the skylights the whole a long drawn resplendent tunnel of wildering and soul satisfying spectacle in the ladies cabin a pink and white wilton carpet as soft as mush and glorified with a ravishing pattern of gigantic flowers then the bridal chamber the animal that invented that idea was still alive and unhanged at that day bridal chamber whose pretentious flummery was necessarily over owing to the now tottering intellect of that hosannaing citizen every stateroom had its couple of cozy clean bunks and perhaps a looking glass in a snug closet and sometimes there was even a wash bowl and pitcher and part of a towel which could be told from mosquito netting by an expert though generally these things were absent and the shirt sleeved passengers cleansed themselves at a long row of stationary bowls in the barber shop where were also public towels public combs and public soap take the steamboat which I have just described and you have her in her highest and finest and most pleasing and comfortable and satisfactory estate now take her over with a layer of ancient and obdurate dirt and you have the Cincinnati steamer a while ago referred to not all over only inside for she was ably officer in all departments except the stewards but wash that boat and repaint her and she would be about the counterpart of the most complimented boat of the old flush times for the steamboat architecture of the west has undergone no change neither has steamboat furniture and ornamentation undergone any end of chapter thirty eight this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter thirty nine manufacturers and miscreants where the river in the Vicksburg region used to be pork screwed it is now comparatively straight made so by Cutthorne a former distance of seventy miles is reduced to thirty five it is a change which threw Vicksburg's neighbor Delta Louisiana out into the country and ended its career as a river town its whole river frontage is now occupied by a vast sandbar thickly covered with young trees a growth which will magnify itself into a dense forest by and by and completely hide the exile town in due time we passed Grand Gulf and Rodney of War fame and reached Natchez the last of the beautiful hill cities for Baton Rouge yet to come is not on a hill but only on a high ground famous Natchez under the hill has not changed notably in twenty years in outward aspect judging by the descriptions of the ancient procession of foreign tourists it has not changed in sixty for it is still small straggling and shabby it had a desperate reputation morally in the old keel boating and early steam boating times plenty of drinking carousing fisticuffing and pilling there among the riffraff of the river in those days but Natchez on top of the hill is attractive has always been attractive even mrs trollop eighteen twenty seven had to confess its charms at one or two points the weary some level line is relieved by bluffs as they call the short intervals of high ground the town of Natchez is beautifully situated on one of those high spots the contrast that it's bright green hill forms with a dismal line of black forest that stretches on every side the abundant growth of the Palpa Palmetto and orange the copious variety of sweet scented flowers that flourish there all make it appear like an oasis in the desert Natchez is the furthest point to the north at which oranges ripen in the open air or endure the winter without shelter with the exception of this sweet spot I thought all the little towns and villages we passed Richard looking in the extreme Natchez like her near and far river neighbors has railways now and is adding to them pushing them hither and thither into all rich outlying regions that are naturally tributary to her and like vixberg and norlands she has her ice factory she makes thirty tons of ice a day in vixberg and Natchez in my time ice was jewelry none but the rich but anybody and everybody can have it now I visited one of the ice factories in New Orleans to see what the polar regions might look like when lugged into the edge of the tropics but there was nothing striking in the aspect of the place it was merely a spacious house with some innocent steam machinery in one end of it and some big porcelain pipes running here and there no not porcelain they they merely seem to be they were iron but the ammonia which was being breathed through them had coated them to the thickness of your hand with solid milk white ice it ought to have melted for one did not require winter clothing in that atmosphere but it did not melt the inside of the pipe was too cold sunk into the floor where numberless tin boxes a foot square and two feet long and open at the top end these were full of clear water and around each box salt and other proper stuff was packed also the ammonia gases were applied to the water in some way which will always remain a secret to me because I was not able to understand the process while the water in the boxes gradually froze men gave it a stir or two with a stick occasionally to liberate the air bubbles I think other men were continually lifting out boxes whose contents had become hard frozen they gave the box a single dip into a vat of boiling water to melt the block of ice free from its tin coffin then they shot the block out upon a platform car and it was ready for market these big blocks were hard solid and crystal clear in certain of them big bouquets of fresh and brilliant tropical flowers had been frozen in in others beautiful silk and clad french dolls and other pretty objects these blocks were to be set on end in a platter in the center of dinner tables to cool the tropical air and also to be ornamental for the flowers and things imprisoned in them could be seen as through plate glass I was told that this factory could retail its ice by wagon throughout norlands in the humblest dwelling house quantities at six or seven dollars a ton and make a sufficient profit this being the case there is business for ice factories in the north for we get ice on no such terms there if one take less than 350 pounds at a delivery the rosalie yarn mill of matches has the capacity of 6000 spindles and 160 looms and employs 100 hands the matches cotton mills company began operations four years ago in a two-story building of 50 by 190 feet with 4000 spindles and 128 looms capital 105 thousand dollars all subscribed in the town two years later the same stockholders increase their capital to 225 thousand dollars added a third story to the mill increased its length to 317 feet added machinery to increase the capacity to 10 300 spindles and 304 looms the company now employs 250 operatives many of whom are citizens of matches the mill works 5000 bales of cotton annually and manufactures the best standard quality of brown shirtings and sheetings and drills turning out five million yards of these goods per year footnote norlands times democrat 26 august 1882 a close corporation stock held at 5000 dollars per share at none in the market the changes in the mississippi river are great and strange yet were to be expected but i was not expecting to live to see matches and these other river towns become manufacturing strongholds and railway centers speaking of manufacturers reminds me of a talk upon that topic which i heard which i overheard and bore the Cincinnati boat i woke out of a fretted sleep with a dull confusion of voices in my ears i listened two men were talking subject apparently the great inundation i looked out through the open transom the two men were eating a late breakfast sitting opposite each other nobody else around they closed up the inundation with a few words having used it evidently as a mere icebreaker and a quaintanship breeder then they dropped into business it soon transpired that they were drummers one belonging in Cincinnati the other in norlands brisk men energetic of movement and speech the dollar their god how to get it their religion now as to this article said Cincinnati flashing into the ostensible butter and holding forward a slab of it on his knife blade it's from our house look at it smell of it taste it put any test on it you want to take your own time no hurry make it thorough there now what do you say butter ain't it not by a thundering site it's olio margarine yes sir that's what it is olio margarine you can't tell it from butter but george an expert plant it's from our house we supply most of the boats in the west there's hardly a pound of butter on one of them we are crawling right along jumping right along is the word we are going to have that entire trade yes and the hotel trade too you are going to see the day pretty soon when you can't find an ounce of butter to bless yourself with in any hotel in the mississippi and ohio valleys outside of the biggest cities why we are turning out olio margarine now by the thousands of tons and we can sell it so dirt cheap that the whole country has got to take it can't get around it you see butter don't stand any show there ain't any chance for competition butters had its day and from this out butter goes to the wall there is more money in olio margarine than why you can't imagine the business we do i've stopped in every town from Cincinnati to natus and i've sent home big orders from every one of them and so forth and so on for 10 minutes longer in the same fervent strain then norland's piped up and said yes it's a first-rate imitation that's a certainty but it ain't the only one around that's first-rate for instance they make olive oil out of cotton seed oil nowadays so that you can't tell them apart yes that's so responded Cincinnati and it was a tip-top business for a while they sent it over and brought it back from france and middley with the united states customs house mark on it to endorse it for genuine and there was no end to cash in it but france and middley broke up the game of course they naturally would cracked on such a rattling impulse that cotton seed olive oil couldn't stand the raise had to hang it up and quit oh it did did it you wait here a minute goes to his state room brings back a couple of long bottles and takes out the corks says there now smell them taste them examine the bottles inspect the labels one of them is from europe the others never been out of this country one's european olive oil the others american cotton seed olive oil tell them apart of course you can't nobody can people that want to go to the expense and trouble of shipping their oils to europe and back it's their privilege but our firm knows a trick worth six of that we turn out the whole thing clean from the word go in our factory in New Orleans labels bottles oil everything well no not labels been buying them abroad get the dirt sheet there you see there's just one little wee speck essence or whatever it is in a gallon of cotton seed oil but give it a smell or a flavor or something get that out and you're all right perfectly easy then to turn the oil into any kind of oil you want to and there ain't anybody that can detect the true from the false well we know how to get that one little particle out and we're the only firm that does and we turn out an olive oil that is just simply perfect undetectable we're doing a ripping trade too as i could easily show you by my order book for this trip maybe you'll butter everybody's bread pretty soon but we'll cotton seed his salad for him from the gulf to canada and that's a dead certain thing Cincinnati glowed and flashed with admiration the two scoundrels exchanged business cards and rose as they left the table Cincinnati said but you have to have custom house marks don't you how do you manage that i did not catch the answer we passed port Hudson seen of two of the most terrific episodes of the war the night battle there between fargut's fleet and the confederate land batteries April 14th 1863 and the memorable land battle two months later which lasted eight hours eight hours of exceptionally fierce and stubborn fighting and ended finally in the repulse of the union forces with great slaughter end of chapter 39 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 40 castles and culture baton rouge was closed in flowers like a bride no much more so like a greenhouse for we were in the absolute south now no modifications no compromises no halfway measures the magnolia trees and the capital grounds were lovely and fragrant with their dense rich foliage and huge snowball blossoms the scent of the flower is very sweet but you want distance on it because it is so powerful they are not good bedroom blossoms they might suffocate one in his sleep we were certainly in the south at last for here the sugar region begins and the plantations vast green levels with sugar mill and negro quarters clustered together in the middle distance were in view and there was a tropical sun overhead and a tropical swelter in the air and at this point also begins the pilot's paradise a wide river hence to New Orleans abundance of water from shore to shore and no bars snags soyers or wrecks in his road sir welter scott is probably responsible for the capital building for it is not conceivable that this little sham castle would ever have been built if he had not run the people mad a couple of generations ago with his medieval romances the south has not yet recovered from the debilitating influence of his books admiration of his fantastic heroes and their grotesque chivalry doings and romantic juvenilities still survives here in an atmosphere in which is already perceptible the wholesome and practical 19th century smell of cotton factories and locomotives and traces of its inflated language and other windy humbuggaries survive along with it it is pathetic enough that a white washed castle with turrets and things materials all ungenuine within and without pretending to be what they are not should ever have been built in this otherwise honorable place but it is much more pathetic to see this architectural falsehood undergoing restoration and perpetuation in our day when it would have been so easy to let dynamite finish what a charitable fire began and then develop this restoration money to the building of something genuine baton rouge has no patent on imitation castles however and no monopoly of them here's a picture from the advertisement of the female institute of columbia tennessee the following remark is from the same advertisement the institute building has long been famed as a model of striking and beautiful architecture visitors are charmed with its resemblance to the old castles of song and story with its towers and turreted walls and ivy mantled porches keeping school in a castle is a romantic thing as romantic as keeping hotel in a castle by itself the imitation castle is doubtless harmless and well enough but as a symbol and breeder and sustainer of mortland middle-age romanticism here in the midst of the plainest and sturdiest and infinitely greatest and worthiest of all the centuries the world has seen it is necessarily a hurtful thing and a mistake here's an extract from the prospectus of a kentucky female college female college sounds well enough but since the phrasing it in that unjustifiable way was done purely in the interest of brevity it seems to me that she college would have been still better because shorter that means the same thing that is if i the phrase means anything at all the president is southern by birth by rearing by education and by sentiment the teachers are all southern in sentiment and with the exception of those born in europe were born and raised in the south believing the southern to be the highest type of civilization this continent has seen the young ladies are trained according to the southern ideas of delicacy refinement womanhood religion and propriety hence we offer a first-class female college for the south and solicit southern patronage footnote illustrations of it thoughtlessly omitted by the advertiser noxville tennessee october 19 this morning a few minutes after 10 o'clock general joseph a mabry thomas o'connor and joseph a mabry junior were killed in a shooting affray the difficulty began yesterday afternoon by general mabry attacking major o'connor and threatening to kill him this was at the fairgrounds and o'connor told mabry that it was not the place to settle their difficulties mabry then told o'connor he should not live it seems that mabry was armed and o'connor was not the cause of the difficulty was an old feud about the transfer of some property from mabry to o'connor later in the afternoon mabry sent word to o'connor that he would kill him on site this morning major o'connor was standing in the door of the mechanics national bank of which he was president general mabry and another gentleman walking down gay street on the opposite side from the bank o'connor stepped into the bank got the shotgun took deliberate aim at general mabry and fired mabry fell dead being shot on the left side as he fell o'connor fired again the shot taking effect in mabry's thigh o'connor then reached into the bank and got another shotgun about this time joseph a mabry jr son of general mabry came rushing down the street unseen by o'connor until within 40 feet when the young man fired a pistol the shot taking effect in o'connor's right breast passing through the body near the heart the instant mabry shot o'connor turned and fired the load taking effect in young mabry's right breast inside mabry fell pierced with 20 buck shot and almost instantly o'connor fell dead without a struggle mabry tried to rise but fell back dead the whole tragedy occurred within two minutes and neither of the three spoke after he was shot general mabry had about 30 buck shot in his body a bystander was painfully wounded in the thigh with a buck shot and another was wounded in the arm four other men had their clothing pierced by buck shot the affair caused great excitement and gay street was thronged with thousands of people general mabry and his son joe were acquitted only a few days ago of the murder of moses musby and don musby father and son whom they killed a few weeks ago will mabry was killed by don musby last christmuth major thomas o'connor was president of the mechanic's national bank here and was the wealthiest man in the state associated press telegram one day last month professor sharp of summerville tennessee female college a quiet and gentlemanly man was told that his brother-in-law a captain burton had threatened to kill him burton it seems had already killed one man and driven his knife into another the professor armed himself with a double barrel shotgun started out in search of his brother-in-law found him playing billions in a balloon and blew his brains out the memphis avalanche reports that the professor's course met with pretty general approval in the community knowing that the law was powerless in the actual condition of public sentiment to protect him he protected himself about the same time two young men in north carolina quarreled about a girl and hostile messages were exchanged friends tried to reconcile them but had their labor for their pains on the 24th the young man met in the public highway one of them had a heavy club in his hand the other an ax the man with a club fought desperately for his life but it was a hopeless fight from the first a well-directed blow sent his club whirling out of his grasp and the next moment he was a dead man about the same time two highly connected young virginians clerks in a hardware store at charlottesville while skylarking came to blows Peter dick threw pipper in charles road's eyes roads demanded an apology dick refused to give it and it was agreed that a duel was inevitable but a difficulty arose the parties had no pistols and it was too late at night to procure them one of them suggested that butcher knives would answer the purpose and the other accepted the suggestion the result was that roads fell to the floor with a gash in his abdomen that may or may not prove fatal if dick has been arrested the news has not reached us he expressed deep regret and we are told by a staunton correspondent of the philadelphia press that every effort has been made to hush the matter up extracts from the public journals what water hole the man that can blow so complacent a blast as that probably blows it from a castle from baton rouge to new Orleans the great sugar plantations border both sides of the river all the way and stretch their league wide levels back to the dim forest walls of bearded cypress in the rear shores lonely no longer plenty of dwellings all the way on both banks standing so close together for long distances that the broad river line between the two rows becomes a sort of spacious street a most home-like and happy-looking region and now and then you see a pillar to the portico great matterhouse and bowered in trees here is testimony of one or two of the procession of foreign tourists that filed along here half a century ago mrs trollop says the unbroken flatness of the banks of the mississippi continued unvaried for many miles above new orleans but the graceful and luxuriant palmetto the dark and noble elix and the bright orange were everywhere to be seen and it was many days before we were weary of looking at them captain basil hall the district of country which lies adjacent to the mississippi in the lower parts of louisiana is everywhere thickly peopled by sugar planters whose showy houses gay piazzas trig gardens and numerous slave villages all clean and neat gave an exceedingly thriving air to the river scenery all the procession paint the attractive picture in the same way the descriptions of fifty years ago do not need to have a word changed in order to exactly describe the same region as it appears today except as to the trigness of the houses the white wash is gone from the negro cabins now and many possibly most of the big mansions once so shining white have worn out their paint and have a decayed neglected look it is the blight of the war 21 years ago everything was trimmed and trig and right along the coast just as it had been in 1827 as described by those tourists unfortunate tourists people humbugged them with stupid and silly lies and then laughed at them for believing in printing the same they told mrs trollop that the alligators or crocodiles as she calls them were terrible creatures and backed up the statement with a blood curling account of how one of these slandered reptiles crept into a squatter cabin one night and ate up a woman and five children the woman by herself would have satisfied any ordinarily impossible alligator but no these liars must make him gorge the five children besides one would not imagine that jokers of this robust breed would be sensitive but they were it is difficult at this day to understand and impossible to justify the reception which the book of the grave honest intelligent gentle manly charitable well-meaning capital basil hall dot end of chapter 40 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox dot org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 41 the metropolis of the south the approaches to new orleans were familiar general aspects were unchanged when one goes flying through london along a railway propped in the air on tall arches he may inspect miles of upper bedrooms through the open windows but the lower half of the houses is under his level and out of sight similarly in high river stage in the new orleans region the water is up to the top of the enclosing levy rim the flat country behind it lies low representing the bottom of a dish and as the boat swims along high on the flood one looks down upon the houses and into the upper windows there is nothing but that frail breastwork of earth between the people and destruction the old brick salt warehouses clustered at the upper end of the city looked as they had always looked warehouses which had had a kind of a laden's lamp experience however since i had seen them for when the war broke out the proprietor went to bed one night leaving them packed with thousands of sacks of vulgar salt worth a couple of dollars a sack and got up in the morning and found his mountain of salt turned into a mountain of gold so to speak so suddenly and to so dizzy a height had the war news sent up the price of the article the vast reach of plank warves remained unchanged and there were as many ships as ever but the long array of steamboats had vanished not altogether of course but not much of it was left the city itself had not changed into the eye it had greatly increased in spread and population but the look of the town was not altered the dust waste paper littered was still deep in the streets the deep trough like gutters alongside the curb stones were still half full of reposeful water with a dusty surface the sidewalks were still in the sugar and bacon region encumbered by casks and barrels and hogsheads the great blocks of austerely plain commercial houses were as dusty looking as ever canal street was finer and more attractive and stirring than formerly with its drifting crowds of people its several processions of hurrying street cars and toward evening its broad second story verandas crowded with gentlemen and ladies closed according to the latest mode not that there is any architecture in canal street to speak in broad general terms there is no architecture in orleans except in the cemeteries it seems a strange thing to say of a wealthy far-seeing and energetic city of a quarter of a million habitants but it is true there is a huge granite u.s custom house costly enough genuine enough but as a decoration it is inferior to a decometer it looks like a state prison but it was built before the war architecture in america may be said to have been born since the war norleans i believe has had the good luck and in a sense the bad luck to have had no great fire in late years it must be so if the opposite had been the case i think one would be able to tell the burnt district by the radical improvement in its architecture of the old forms one can do this in boston and chicago the burnt district of boston was commonplace before the fire but now there is no commercial district in any city in the world that can surpass it or perhaps even rival it in beauty elegance and tastefulness however norleans has begun just this moment as one may say when completed the new cotton exchange will be a stately and beautiful building massive and substantial full of architectural graces no shams or false pretenses or uglinesses about it anywhere to the city it will be worth many times its cost or it will breed its species what has been lacking hitherto was a model to build toward something to educate i and taste uh suggestor so to speak the city is well outfitted with progressive men thinking sagacious long-headed men the contrast between the spirit of the city and the city's architecture is like the contrast between waking and sleep apparently there is a boom in everything but that one dead feature the water in the gutters used to be stagnant and slimy and a potent disease breeder but the gutters are flushed now two or three times a day by powerful machinery in many of the gutters the water never stands still but has a steady current other sanitary improvements have been made and with such effect that new orleans claims to be during the long intervals between occasional yellow fever assaults one of the healthiest cities in the union there's plenty of ice now for everybody manufactured in the town it is a driving place commercially and has a great river ocean and railway business at the date of our visit it was the best lighted city in the union electrically speaking the new orleans electric lights were more numerous than those of new york and very much better one had this modified noon day not only in canal and some neighboring chief streets but all along stretch of five miles of river frontage there are good clubs in the city now several of them but recently organized and inviting modern style pleasure resorts at west end and spanish fort the telephone is everywhere one of the most notable advances is in journalism the newspapers as i remember them were not a striking feature now they are money is spent upon them with a free hand they get the news let it cost what it may the editorial work is not hack grinding literature as an example of new orleans journalistic achievement it may be mentioned that the times democrat august 26 1882 contained a report of the year's business of the towns of the mississippi valley from norlands all the way to st paul 2 000 miles that issue of the paper consisted of 40 pages seven columns to the page 280 columns in all 1500 words to the column an aggregate of 420 000 words that is to say not much short of three times as many words as there are in this book one may with sorrow contrast this with the architecture of new orleans i have been speaking of public architecture only the domestic article in new orleans is reproachless notwithstanding it remains as it always was all the dwellings are of wood in the american part of the town i mean and all have a comfortable look those in the wealthy quarter are spacious painted snow white usually and generally have wide verandas or double verandas supported by ornamental columns these mansions stand in the center of large grounds and rise garlanded with roses out of the mists of swelling masses of shining green foliage and many colored blossoms no houses could well be in better harmony with their surroundings or more pleasing to the eye or more home-like and comfortable looking one even becomes reconciled to the cistern presently this is a mighty task painted green and sometimes a couple of stories high which is propped against the house corner on stilts there is a mansion and brewery suggestion about the combination which seems very incongruous at first but the people cannot have wells and so they take rainwater neither can they conveniently have cellars or graves footnote the israelites are buried in graves by permission i take it not requirement but none else except the destitute who are buried at public expense the graves are but three or four feet deep neither can they conveniently have cellars or graves the town being built upon made ground so they do without both and few of the living complain and none of the others end of chapter 41 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 42 hygiene and sentiment they bury their dead in vaults above the ground these vaults have a resemblance to houses sometimes to temples are built of marble generally are architecturally graceful and shapely they face the walks and driveways of the cemetery and when one moves through the mits of a thousand or so of them and sees their white roofs and gables stretching into the distance on every hand the phrase city of the dead has all at once a meaning to him many of the cemeteries are beautiful and are kept in perfect order when one goes from the levy or the business streets near it to a cemetery he observes to himself that if those people down there would live as neatly while they are alive as they do after they are dead they would find many advantages in it and besides their quarter would be the wonder and admiration of the business world fresh flowers in vases of water are to be seen at the portals of many of the vaults placed there by the pious hands of bereaved parents and children husbands and wives and renewed daily a milder form of sorrow finds its inexpensive and lasting remembrance sir in the course and ugly but indestructible immortel which is a wreath or cross or some such emblem made of rosettes of black linen with sometimes a yellow rosette at the conjunction of the crosses bars kind of sorrowful breastpins so to say the mortel requires no attention you just hang it up and there you are just leave it alone it will take care of your grief for you and keep it in mind better than you can stands weather first rate and lasts like boiler iron on sunny days pretty little chameleons graceful us of legged reptiles creep along the marble fronts of the vaults and catch flies their changes of color as to variety are not up to the creature's reputation they change color when a person comes along and hangs up an immortal but that is nothing any right feeling reptile would do that I will gradually drop this subject of graveyards I have been trying all I could to get down to the sentimental part of it but I cannot accomplish it I think there is no genuinely sentimental part to it it is all grotesque ghastly horrible graveyards may have been justifiable in the bygone ages when nobody knew that for every dead body put into the ground to glut the earth and the plant roots and the air with disease germs five or fifty or maybe a hundred persons must die before their proper time but they are hardly justifiable now when even the children know that a dead saint enters upon a century long career of assassination the moment the earth closes over his corpse it is a grim sort of a thought the relics of Saint Anne up in Canada have now after nineteen hundred years gone to curing the sick by the dozen but it is mirrors to matter of course that these same relics within a generation after Saint Anne's death and burial made several thousand people sick therefore these miracle performances are simply compensation nothing more Saint Anne is somewhat slow pay for a saint it is true but better a debt paid after nineteen hundred years and outlawed by the statute of limitations than not paid at all and most of the knights of the halo do not pay at all where you find one that pays like Saint Anne you find a hundred and fifty that take the benefit of the statute and none of them pay any more than the principle of what they owe they pay none of the interest either simple or compound a saint can never quite return the principle however for his dead body kills people whereas his relics heal only they never restore the dead to life that part of the count is always left unsettled Dr. F. Julius Lemoine after fifty years of medical practice wrote the inhumation of human bodies dead from infectious diseases results in constantly loading the atmosphere and polluting the waters with not only the germs that rise from simply future faction but also with the specific germs of the diseases from which death resulted the gases from buried corpses will rise to the surface through eight or ten feet of gravel just as cold gas will do and there is practically no limit to their power of escape during the epidemic in New Orleans in eighteen fifty three Dr. E. H. Barton reported that in the fourth district the mortality was four hundred and fifty two per thousand more than double that of any other in this district were three large cemeteries in which during the previous year more than three thousand bodies have been buried in other districts the proximity of cemeteries seem to aggravate the disease in eighteen twenty eight Professor Bianchi demonstrated how the fearful reappearance of the plague at Modena was caused by excavations in ground where three hundred years previously the victims of the pestilence had been buried Mr. Cooper in explaining the causes of some epidemics remarks that the opening of the plague burial grounds at AM resulted in an immediate outbreak of disease North American review number three volume one thirty five in an address before the Chicago Medical Society in advocacy of Cremation Dr. Charles W. Purdy made some striking comparisons to show what a burden is laid upon society by the burial of the dead one and one fourth times more money is expended annually in funerals in the United States than the government expends for public school purposes funerals cost this country in eighteen eighty enough money to pay the liabilities of all the commercial failures in the United States during the same year and give each bankrupt a capital of eight thousand six hundred and thirty dollars with which to resume business funerals cost annually more money than the value of the combined gold and silver yield of the United States in the year eighteen eighty these figures do not include the sums invested in burial grounds and expended in tombs and monuments nor the loss from depreciation of property in the vicinity of the cemeteries for the rich cremation would answer as well as burial for the ceremonies connected with it could be made as costly and ostentatious as a Hindu suitee while for the poor cremation would be better than burial because so cheap footnote four or five dollars is the minimum cost so cheap until the poor got to imitating the rich which they would do by and by the adoption of cremation would relieve us of a muck of threadbare burial with the systems but on the other hand it would resurrect a lot of mildewed old cremation jokes that have had a rest for two thousand years i have a colored acquaintance who earns his living by odd jobs and heavy manual labor he never earns about four hundred dollars in a year and as he has a wife and several young children the closest scrimping is necessary to get him through to the end of the twelve months debtless to such a man a funeral is a colossal financial disaster while i was writing one of the preceding chapters this man lost a little child he walked the town over with a friend trying to find a coffin that was within his means he bought the very cheapest one he could find lanewood stained it cost him twenty six dollars it would have cost less than four probably if it had been built to put something useful into it he and his family will feel that outlay a good many months end of chapter forty two this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter forty three the art of inhumation about the same time i encountered a man in the street whom i had not seen for six or seven years and something like this talk followed i said but you used to look sad and oldish you don't now where did you get all this youth and bubbling cheerfulness give me the address he chuckled blithely took off his shining tile pointed to a notched pink circlet of paper pasted into its crown with something lettered on it and went on chuckling while i read jb undertaker then he clapped his hat on gave it an irreverent tilt to lowered and cried out that's what's the matter it used to be rough times with me when you knew me insurance agency business you know mighty regular big fire all right brisk trade for 10 days while people scared after that dull policy business till next fire town like this don't have fires often enough a fellow strikes so many dull weeks in a row that he gets discouraged but you bet you this is the business people don't wait for examples to die no sir they drop off right along there ain't any dull spots in the undertaker line i just started in with two or three little old coffins and a hired hearse and now look at the thing i've worked up a business here that would satisfy any man don't care who he is five years ago lodged in an attic live in a swell house now with a mason roof and all of the modern inconveniences does the coffin pay so well is there much profit on a coffin go away how you talk then with a confidential wink a dropping of the voice and an impressive laying of his hand on my arm look here there's one thing in this world which isn't ever cheap that's a coffin there's one thing in this world which the person don't ever try to chew you down that's a coffin there's one thing in this world which a person don't say i'll look around a little and if i find i can't do better i'll come back and take it that's a coffin there's one thing in this world which a person won't take in pine if he can go walnut and won't take in walnut if he can go mahogany and won't take in mahogany if he can go an iron casket with silver door plate and bronze handles that's a coffin and there's one thing in this world which you don't have to worry around after a person to get him to pay for and that's a coffin undertaking why it's the dead surest business in christendom and the nobbiest why just look at it a rich man won't have anything but you're very best and you can just pile it on too pile it on and sock it to him he won't even holler and you take in a poor man and if you work him right he'll bust himself on a single layer or especially a woman for instance mr so flowery comes in widow wiping her eyes and kind of moaning unhunt achieves one eye that's it around tearfully over the stock and says and what might he ask for that one thirty nine dollars madam says i it's a foreign big price sure but that shall be buried like a gentleman as he was if i have to work my fingers off for it i'll have that one for yes madam says i and it is a very good one too not costly to be sure but in this life we must cut our garments to our clothes as to say it is and as she starts out i heave in kind of casually this one with the white satin lining is a beauty but i'm afraid well sixty five dollars is a rather rather but no matter i felt obliged to say to mrs oshanessy to mind to sigh that bridget oshanessy bought the bite of that joel box to ship that drunken gill to purgatory in yes madam then cat shall go to heaven in the twin to it if it takes the last rap feel flared he's can raise and mind you stick on some extras too and i'll give you another dollar and as i lay in with the livery stables of course i don't forget to mention that mrs oshanessy hired fifty four dollars worth of hacks and flung as much style into denises funeral as if he had been a duke or an assassin and of course she sails in and goes the oshanessy about floor hacks and an omnibus better that used to be but that's all played now that is in this particular town the irish got to piling up hacks so on their funerals that a funeral left them ragged and hungry for two years afterward so the priest pitched in and broke it all up he don't allow them to have but two hacks now and sometimes only one well i said if you are so lighthearted and jolly in ordinary times what must you be in an epidemic he shook his head no you're off there we don't like to see an epidemic an epidemic don't pay well of course i don't mean that exactly but it don't pay in proportion to the regular thing don't it occur to you why no think i can't imagine what is it it's just two things well what are they one's in bombing what's the other ice how's that well in ordinary times the person dies and we lay him up in ice one day two days maybe three to wait for friends to come takes a lot of it melts fast we charge jewelry rates for that ice and war prices for attendance well don't you know when there's an epidemic they rush them to the cemetery the minute the breath's out no market for ice in an epidemic same within bombing you take a family that's able to embalm and you've got a soft thing you can mention 16 different ways to do it though there ain't only one or two ways when you come down to the bottom facts of it and they'll take the highest price way every time it's human nature human nature in grief it don't reason you see time being it don't care damn all it wants is physical immortality for deceased and they're willing to pay for it all you've got to do is to just be calm and stack it up they'll stand the racket why man you can take a defunct that you couldn't give away and get your embalming traps around you and go to work and in a couple of hours he is worth a cool six hundred that's what he's worth there ain't anything equal to it but trading rats for diamonds and time of famine well don't you see when there's an epidemic people don't wait to embalm no indeed they don't and it hurts the business like hell as we say hurts it like hell health see a little joke in the trade well i must be going give me a call whenever you need any i mean uh when you're going by sometime in his joyful high spirits he did the exaggerating himself if any has been done i have not enlarged on him with the above brief reference to inhumation let us leave the subject as for me i hope to be cremated i made that remark to my pastor once who said with what he seemed to think was an impressive manner i wouldn't worry about that if i had your chances he knew about it the family also opposed to it end of chapter 43 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 44 city sites the old french part of norlands anciently the spanish part there's no resemblance to the american end of the city the american end which lies beyond the intervening brick business center the houses are massed in blocks are austerely plain and dignified uniform of pattern with here and there a departure from it with pleasant effect all are plastered on the outside and nearly all have long iron railed verandas running along the several stories their chief beauty is the deep warm very colored stain with which time and the weather have enriched the plaster it harmonizes with all the surroundings and has as natural a look of belonging there as has the flush upon sunset clouds this charming decoration cannot be successfully imitated neither is it to be found elsewhere in america the iron railings are a specialty also the pattern is often exceedingly light and dainty and airy and graceful with a large cipher or monogram in the center a delicate cobweb of baffling intricate forms wrought in steel the ancient railings are handmade and are now comparatively rare and proportionately valuable they are become brick-a-brack the party had the privilege of idling through this ancient quarter of norlands with the south's finest literary genius the author of the grand seams in him the south has found a masterly delineator of its interior life and its history in truth i find by experience that the untrained eye and vacant mind can inspect it and learn of it and judge of it more clearly and profitably in his books than by personal contact with with mr. cable along to see for you and describe and explain and illuminate it a jog through that old quarter is a vivid pleasure and you have a vivid sense as of unseen or dimly seen things vivid and yet fitful and darkling you glimpse salient features but lose the fine shades or catch them imperfectly through the vision of the imagination a case as it were of ignorant nearsighted stranger traversing the rim of wide vague horizons of alps with an inspired and enlightened long-sighted native we visited the old saint louis hotel now occupied by municipal offices there is nothing strikingly remarkable about it but one can say of it as of the academy of music in new york that if a broom or a shovel has ever been used in it there is no circumstantial evidence to back up the fact it is curious that cabbages and hay and things do not grow in the academy of music but no doubt it is on account of the interruption of the light by the benches and the impossibility of hoeing the crop except in the aisles the fact that the ushers grow their buttonhole bouquets on the premises shows what might be done if they had the right kind of agricultural head of the establishment we visited also the venerable cathedral and the pretty square in front of it the one dim with religious light the other brilliant with the worldly sort and lovely with orange trees and blossoming shrubs then we drove in the hot sun through the wilderness of houses and out on to the wide dead level beyond where the villas are and the waterwheels to drain the town and the commons populous with cows and children passing by an old cemetery where we were told lie the ashes of an early pirate but we took him on trust and did not visit him he was a pirate with a tremendous and sanguinary history and as long as he preserved unspotted in retirement the dignity of his name and the grandeur of his ancient calling homage and reverence were his from high and low but when at last he descended into politics and became a paltry alderman the public shook him and turned aside and wept when he died they set up a monument over him and little by little he has come into respect again but it is respect for the pirate not the alderman today the loyal and generous remember only what he was and charitably forget what he became thence we drove a few miles across the swamp along a raised shell road with a canal on one hand and a dense wood on the other and here and there in the distance a ragged and angular lint and moss bearded cypress top standing out clear cut against the sky and as quaint to form as the apple trees in japanese pictures such was our course and the surroundings of it there was an occasional alligator swimming comfortably along in the canal and an occasional picturesque colored person on the bank flinging his statue rigid reflection upon the still water and watching for a bite and by and by we reached the west end a collection of hotels of the usual light summer resort pattern with broad verandas all around and the waves of the wide and blue lake poncher train lapping the thresholds we had dinner on a ground veranda over the water the chief dish the renowned fish called the pompano delicious as the less criminal forms of sin thousands of people come by rail and carriage to west end and to spanish fort every evening and dine listen to the bands take strolls in the open air under the electric lights go sailing on the lake and entertain themselves in various and sundry other ways we had opportunities on other days and in other places to test the pompano notably at an editorial dinner at one of the clubs in the city he was in his last possible perfection there and justified his fame in his suite was a tall pyramid of scarlet crayfish large ones as large as one thumb delicate palatable appetizing also deviled whitebait also shrimps of choice quality and a platter of small soft shell crabs of a most superior breed the other dishes were what one might get at delmonico's or buckingham palace those i have spoken of can be had in similar perfection in norleans only i suppose in the west and south they have a new institution the broom brigade it is composed of young ladies who dress in a uniform costume and go through the infantry drill with broom in place of musket it is a very pretty sight on private view when they perform on the stage of a theater in the blaze of colored fires it must be a fine and fascinating spectacle i saw them go through their complex manual with grace spirit and admirable precision i saw them do everything which a human being can possibly do with a broom except sweep i did not see them sweep but i know they could learn what they have already learned proves that and if they ever should learn and go on the war path down tripitulus or some of the other streets around there those their affairs would bear a greatly improved aspect in a very few minutes but the girls themselves wouldn't so nothing would be really gained after all the drill was in the washington artillery building in this building we saw many interesting relics of the war also a fine oil painting representing stonewall jackson's last interview with general lee both men are on horseback jackson has just ridden up and is a costing lee the picture is very valuable on account of the portraits which are authentic but like many another historical picture it means nothing without its label and one label will fit it as well as another first interview between lee and jackson last interview between lee and jackson jackson introducing himself to lee jackson accepting lee's invitation to dinner jackson declining lee's invitation to dinner with thanks jackson apologizing for a heavy defeat jackson reporting a great victory jackson asking lee for a match it tells one story and a sufficient one for it says quite plainly and satisfactorily here are lee and jackson together the artist would have made it tell that this is lee and jackson's last interview if he could have done it but he couldn't for there wasn't any way to do it a good legible label is usually worse for information a ton of significant attitude and expression in a historical picture in rome people with fine sympathetic natures stand up and weep in front of the celebrated Beatrice Chenchi the day before her execution it shows what a label can do if they did not know the picture they would inspect it unmoved and say young girl with hay fever young girl with her head in a bag i found a half-forgotten southern intonations and illisions as pleasing to my ear as they had formerly been a southerner talks music at least of his music to me but then i was born in the south the educated southerner has no use for an r except at the beginning of a word he says honor and dinner and governor and before the wall and so on the words may lack charm to the eye in print but they have it to the ear when did the r disappear from southern speech and how did it come to disappear the custom of dropping it was not borrowed from the north nor inherited from england many southerners most southerners put a y into occasional words that begin with the k sound for instance they say mr kya taa and speak of playing yads or of riding in the kyaas and they have the pleasant custom long ago fallen into decay in the north of frequently employing the respectful sir instead of the curt yes and the abrupt no they say yes sir no sir but there are some infelicities such as like for as and the addition of an at where it isn't needed i heard an educated gentleman say like the flag officer did his cook or his butter would have said like the flag officer done you hear gentlemen say where have you been at and here is the aggravated form heard or ragged street harap say it to a comment i was a askin tom what you was a satan at the very elect carelessly say will when they mean shall and many of them say i didn't go to do it meaning i didn't mean to do it the northern word guess imported from england where it used to be common and now regarded by satirical englishmen as a yankee original is but little used among southerners they say reckon they haven't any doesn't in their language they say don't instead the unpolished often use went for gone it is nearly as bad as the northern hadn't ought this reminds me that a remark of a very peculiar nature was made here in my neighborhood in the north a few days ago he hadn't ought to have went how is that isn't that a good deal of a triumph one knows the orders combined in this half-breeds architecture without inquiring one parent northern the other southern today i heard a schoolmistress ask where is john gone this form is so common so nearly universal in fact that if she had used with her instead of where i think it would have sounded like an affectation we picked up one excellent word a word worth traveling to norleans to get a nice limber expressive handy word lanyap they pronounce it lanyap it is spanish so they said we discovered it at the head of a column of odds and ends in the picayune the first day heard 20 people use it the second inquired what it meant the third adopted it and got facility and swinging it in the fourth it has a restricted meaning but i think the people spread it out a little when they choose it is the equivalent of the 13th role in a baker's dozen it is something thrown in gratis for good measure the custom originated in the spanish quarter of the city when a child or a servant buys something in a shop or even the mayor or the governor for all i know he finishes the operation by saying give me something for lanyap the shopman always responds gives the child a bit of licorice root gives the servant a cheap cigar or a spool of thread gives the governor and i don't know what he gives the governor support likely when you're invited to drink and this does occur now and then in norleans and you say what again no i've had enough the other party says but just this one time more this is for lanyap when the bow perceives that he is stacking his compliments of trifle too high and fees by the young ladies countenance that the edifice would have been better with the top compliment left off he puts his i beg pardon no harm intended into the briefer form of oh that's for lanyap if the waiter in the restaurant stumbles and spills a gill of coffee down the back of your neck he says for lanyapsa and gets you another cup without extra charge end of chapter 44 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 45 southern sports in the north one hears the war mentioned in social conversation once a month sometimes as often as once a week but as a distinct subject for talk it has long ago been relieved of duty there are sufficient reasons for this given a dinner company of six gentlemen today it can easily happen that four of them and possibly five were not in the field at all so the chances are four to two or five to one that the war will at no time during the evening become the topic of conversation and the chances are still greater than if it become the topic it will remain so but a little while if you add six ladies to the company you have added six people who saw so little of the dread realities of the war that they ran out of talk concerning them years ago and now would soon weary of the war topic if you brought it up the case is very different in the south there every man you meet was in the war and every lady you meet saw the war the war is the great chief topic of conversation the interest in it is vivid and constant the interest in other topics is fleeting mention of the war will wake up a dull company and set their tongues going when nearly any other topic would fail in the south the war is what ad is elsewhere they date from it all day long you hear things placed as having happened since the war or during the war or before the war or right after the war or about two years or five years or ten years before the war or after the war it shows how intimately every individual was visited in his own person by that tremendous episode it gives the inexperienced stranger a better idea of what a vast and comprehensive calamity invasion is than he can ever get by reading books at the side at a club one evening a gentleman turned to me and said in an aside you notice of course that we are nearly always talking about the war it isn't because we haven't anything else to talk about but because nothing else has so strong an interest for us and there is another reason in the war each of us in his own person seems to have sampled all the different varieties of human experience as a consequence you can't mention an outside matter of any sort but it will certainly remind some listener of something that happened during the war and out he comes with it of course that brings the talk back to the war you may try all you want to to keep other subjects before the house and we may all join in and help but there can be but one result the most random topic would load every man up with war reminiscences and shut him up too and talk would be likely to stop presently because you can't talk pale inconsequentialities when you've got a crimson fact or fancy in your head that you are burning to fetch out the poet was sitting some little distance away and presently he began to speak about the moon the gentleman who had been talking to me remarked in an aside there the moon is far enough from the seat of war but you will see that it will suggest something to somebody about the war in 10 minutes from now the moon as a topic will be shelved the poet was saying he had noticed something which was a surprise to him had had the impression that down here toward the equator the moonlight was much stronger and later than up north had had the impression that when he visited new orleans many years ago the moon interruption from the other end of the room let me explain that reminds me of an anecdote everything has changed since the war for better or for worse but you'll find people down here born grumblers who see no change except the change for the worse there was an old negro woman of this sort a young new yorker said in her presence what a wonderful moon you have down here she sighed and said ah bless your heart honey you want to see that moon for the wall the new topic was dead already but the poet resurrected it and gave it a new start a brief dispute followed as to whether the difference between northern and southern moonlight really existed or was only imagined moonlight talk drifted easily into talk about artificial methods of dispelling darkness then somebody remembered that when Farragut advanced upon Port Hudson on a dark night and did not wish to assist the aim of the confederate gunners he carried no battle lanterns but painted the decks of his ship white and thus created a dim but valuable light which enabled his own men to grope their way around with considerable facility at this point the war got the floor again the ten minutes not quite up yet I was not sorry for war talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull we went to a cockpit in New Orleans on a Saturday afternoon I had never seen a cockfight before there were men and boys there of all ages and all colors and of many languages and nationalities but I noticed one quite conspicuous and surprising absence the traditional brutal faces there were no brutal faces with no cockfighting going on you could have played the gathering on a stranger for a prayer meeting and after it began for a revival provided you blindfolded your stranger for the shouting was something prodigious a negro and a white man were in the ring everybody else outside the cocks were brought in in sacks and when time was called they were taken out by the two bottle holders stroked caressed poked toward each other and finally liberated the big black cock plunged instantly at the little gray one and struck him on the head with a spur the gray responded with spirit and the babble of many tongue shoutings broke out and ceased not henceforth when the cocks had been fighting some little time I was expecting them momentary to drop dead for both were blind red with blood and so exhausted that they frequently fell down yet they would not give up neither would they die the negro and the white man would pick them up every few seconds wipe them off blow cold water on them in a fine spray and take their heads in their mouths and hold them there a moment to warm back the perishing life perhaps I do not know then being set down again the dying creatures would totter gropingly about with dragging wings find each other strike a guesswork blow or two and fall exhausted once more I did not see the end of the battle I forced myself to endure it as long as I could but it was too pitiful a sight so I made frank inflection to that effect and we retired we heard afterward that the black cock died in the ring and fighting to the last evidently there is abundant fascination about this sport for such as have had a degree of familiarity with it I never saw people enjoy anything more than this gathering enjoyed this fight the case was the same with old gray heads and with boys of ten they lost themselves in frenzies of delight the cocking main is an inhuman sort of entertainment there is no question about that still it seems the much more respectable and far less cruel sport than fox hunting for the cocks like it they experience as well as confer enjoyment which is not the fox's case we assisted in the french sense out of meal race one day I believe I enjoyed this contest more than any other mule there I enjoyed it more than I remember having enjoyed any other animal race I ever saw the grandstand was well filled with the beauty and the chivalry of norleans that phrase is not original with me it is the southern reporters he has used it for two generations he uses it twenty times a day or twenty thousand times a day or a million times a day according to the exigencies he's obliged to use it a million times a day if he has occasion to speak of respectable men and women that often for he has no other phrase for such service except that single one he never tires of it it always has a fine sound to him there is a kind of swell medieval bulliness and pencil about it that pleases his gaudy barbaric soul if he had been in Palestine in the early times we should have had no references to much people out of him no he would have said the beauty and the chivalry of Galilee assembled to hear the sermon on the mount it is likely that the men and women of the south are sick enough of that phrase by this time and would like to change but there is no immediate prospect of there giving it the New Orleans editor has a strong compact direct unflowering style wastes no words and does not gush not so with his average correspondent in the appendix I have quoted a good letter penned by a trained hand but the average correspondent hurls a style which differs from that for instance the Times Democrat sent a relief steamer up one of the bayous last April this steamer landed at a village up there somewhere and the captain invited some of the ladies of the village to make a short trip with him they accepted and came aboard the steamboat shoved out up the creek that was all there was to it and that is all that the editor of the Times Democrat would have got out of it there was nothing in the thing but statistics and he would have got nothing else out of it he would probably have even tabulated them partly to secure a perfect clearness of statement and partly to save space but his special correspondent knows other methods of handling statistics he just throws off all restraint and walls in them on Saturday early in the morning the beauty of the place graced our cabin and proud of her fair freight the gallant little boat glided up the bayou 22 words to say the ladies came aboard and the boat shoved out up the creek is a clean race to 10 good words and is also destructive of compactness of statement the trouble with the southern reporter is women they unsettle him they throw him off his balance he is plain and sensible and satisfactory until a woman he was in sight then he goes all to pieces his mind totters he becomes flowery and idiotic from reading the above extract you would imagine that this student of sir Walter Scott is an apprentice and knows next to nothing about handling a pen on the contrary he furnishes plenty of proofs in his long letter that he knows well enough how to handle it when the women are not around to give him the artificial flower complaint for instance at four o'clock ominous clouds began to gather in the southeast and presently from the gulf there came a blow which increased in severity every moment it was not safe to leave the landing then and there was a delay the oaks shook off long tresses of their mossy beards to the tugging of the wind and the bayou in its ambition put on miniature waves in locking of much larger bodies of water allow permitted to start and homewards we steamed an inky sky overhead and heavy wind blowing as darkness crept on there were few on board who did not wish themselves nearer home there's nothing wrong with that it is good description compactly put yet there was great temptation there to drop into lurid writing but let us return to the mule since I left him I have rummaged around and found a full report of the race in it I find confirmation of the theory which I brought just now namely that the trouble with the southern reporter is women women supplemented by Walter Scott and his knights and beauty and chivalry and so on this is an excellent report as long as the women stay out of it but when they intrude we have this frantic result it will be probably a long time before the lady stand presents such a sea of foam like loveliness as it did yesterday the New Orleans women are always charming but never so much so as at this time of the year when in their dainty spring costumes they bring with them a breath of balmy freshness and an odor of sanctity unspeakable a stand was so crowded with them that walking at their feet and seeing no possibility of approach many a man appreciated as he never did before the Paris feeling at the gates of paradise and wondered what was the priceless boon that would admit him to their sacred presence sparkling on their white robed breasts or shoulders were the colors of their favorite nights and were it not for the fact that the doughy heroes appeared on unromantic mules it would have been easy to imagine one of king Arthur's dala days there were thirteen mules in the first heat all sorts of mules they were all sorts of complexions gates dispositions aspects some were handsome creatures some were not some were sleek some hadn't had their fur brushed lightly some were innocently gay and frisky some were full of malice and all unrighteousness guessing from looks some of them thought the matter on hand was war some thought it was a lark the rest took it for a religious occasion and each mule acted according to his convictions the result was an absence of harmony well compensated by a conspicuous presence of variety variety of a picturesque and entertaining sort all the riders were young gentlemen in fashionable society if the reader has been wondering why it is that the ladies of New Orleans attend so humble and orgy as a mule race the thing is explained now it is a fashion freak all connected with it are people of fashion it is great fun and cordially liked the meal race is one of the marked occasions of the year it has brought some pretty fast mules to the front one of these had to be ruled out because he was so fast that he turned the thing into a one mule contest and robbed it of one of its best features variety but every now and then somebody disguises him with a new name and a new complexion and rings him in again the riders dress in full jockey costumes of bright colored silks satins and velvets the thirteen mules got away in a body after a couple of false starts and scampered off was prodigious spirit as each mule and each rider had a distinct opinion of his own as to how the race ought to be run and which side of the track was best in certain circumstances and how often the track ought to be crossed and when a collision ought to be accomplished and when it ought to be avoided these twenty six conflicting opinions created a most fantastic and picturesque confusion and the resulting spectacle was killingly comical mild heat five two minutes twenty two seconds eight of the thirteen meals distanced I had a bet on a mule which would have won if the procession had been reversed the second heat was good fun and so was the consolation race for beaten mules which followed later but the first heat was the best in that respect I think that much the most enjoyable of all races is a steamboat race but next to that I prefer the gay and joyous mule rush two red hot steamboats raging along neck and neck straining every nerve that is to say every rivet in the boilers quaking and shaking and groaning from stem to stern spouting white steam from the pipes pouring black smoke from the chimneys raining down sparks parting the river into long breaks of hissing foam this is sport that makes a body's very liver curl with enjoyment a horse race is pretty tame and colorless in comparison still a horse race might be well enough in its way perhaps if it were not for the tiresome false starts but then nobody has ever killed at least nobody was ever killed when I was at a horse race they have been crippled it is true but this is little to the purpose end of chapter forty five this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter forty six enchantments and enchanters the largest annual event in New Orleans is a something which we arrive too late to sample the Mardi Gras festivities I saw the procession of the mystic crew of comas there twenty four years ago with knights and nobles and so on closed in silken and golden Paris made gorgeousnesses planned and bought for that single night's use and in their train all manner of giants dwarfs monstrosities and other diverting grotesquery a startling and wonderful sort of show as it filed solemnly and silently down the street in the light of its smoking and flickering torches but it is said that in these latter days the spectacle is mightily augmented as to cost splendor and variety there is a chief personage Rex and if I remember rightly neither this king nor any of his great following of subordinates is known to any outsider all these people are gentlemen of position and consequence and it is a proud thing to belong to the organization so the mystery in which they hide their personality is merely for romance's sake and not on account of the police Mardi Gras is of course a relic of the French and Spanish occupation but I judge that the religious feature has been pretty well knocked out of it now Sir Walter has got the advantage of the gentleman of the cowl in Rosary and he will stay his medieval business supplemented by the monsters and the oddities and the pleasant creatures from fairyland is finer to look at than the poor fantastic conventions and performances of the reveling rabble of the priest's day and serves quite as well perhaps to emphasize the day and admonish men that the grace line between the worldly season and the holy one is reached this Mardi Gras pageant was the exclusive possession of New Orleans until recently but now it has spread to Memphis and St. Louis and Baltimore it has probably reached its limit it is a thing which could hardly exist in the practical north would certainly last but a very brief time as brief a time as it would last in London for the soul of it is the romantic not the funny and the grotesque take away the romantic mysteries the kings and knights and big sounding titles and Mardi Gras would die down there in the south the very feature that keeps it alive in the south girly girly romance would kill it in the north or in London puck and punch and the press universal would fall upon it and make merciless fun of it and its first exhibition would be also its last against the crimes of the French Revolution and of Bonaparte may be set to compensating benefactions the revolution broke the chains of the ancien régime and of the church and made of a nation of abject slaves a nation of free men and Bonaparte instituted the setting of merit above birth and also so completely stripped of the divinity from royalty that whereas crowned heads in Europe were gods before they are only men since and can never be gods again but only figureheads and answerable for their acts like common clay such benefactions as these compensate the temporary harm which Bonaparte and the revolution did and leave the world in debt to them for these great and permanent services to liberty humanity and progress then comes Sir Walter Scott with his enchantments and by his single might checks this wave of progress and even turns it back sets the world in love with dreams and phantoms with decayed and swinish forms of religion with decayed and degraded systems of government with a silliness and emptiness sham grandeurs sham gods and sham chivalries of a brainless and worthless long vanished society he did measureless harm more real and lasting harm perhaps than any other individual that ever wrote most of the world has now outlived good part of these harms though by no means all of them but in our south they flourish pretty forcefully still not so forcefully as half a generation ago perhaps but still forcefully there the genuine and wholesome civilization of the 19th century is curiously confused and commingled with the Walter Scott middle-aged sham civilization and so you have practical common sense progressive ideas and progressive works mixed up with the dual the inflated speech and the June romanticism of an absurd past that is dead and out of charity ought to be buried but for the Sir Walter Scott disease the character of the southerner or southern according to Sir Walter's starchy your way of phrasing it would be wholly modern in place of modern and medieval mixed and the south would be fully a generation further advanced than it is it was Sir Walter that made every gentleman in the south a major or a Kearney or a general or a judge before the war and it was he also that made these gentlemen value these bogus decorations for it was he that created rank and cast down there and also reverence for rank and cast and pride and pleasure in them enough is laid on slavery without fathering upon it these creations and contributions of Sir Walter Sir Walter had so large a hand in making southern character as it existed before the war that he is in great measure responsible for the war it seems a little harsh toward a dead man to say that we never should have had any war but for Sir Walter and yet something of a plausible argument might perhaps be made in support of that wild proposition the southerner of the American Revolution owned slaves so did the southerner of the Civil War but the former resembles the latter as an Englishman resembles a Frenchman the change of character can be traced rather more easily to Sir Walter's influence than to that of any other thing or person one may observe by one or two signs how deeply that influence penetrated and how strongly it holds if one take up a northern or southern literary periodical of forty or fifty years ago he will find it filled with wordy windy flowery eloquence romanticism sentimentality all imitated from Sir Walter and sufficiently badly done to innocent travesties of his style and methods in fact this sort of literature being the fashion in both sections of the country there was opportunity for the fairest competition and as a consequence the south was able to show as many well known literary names proportion to population as the north could but a change has come and there is no opportunity now for a fair competition between north and south for the north has thrown out that old inflated style whereas the southern writer still clings to it clings to it and has a restricted market for his wares as a consequence there is as much literary talent in the south now as ever there was of course but its work can gain but slight currency under present conditions the authors write for the past not the present they use obsolete forms and a dead language but when a sovereign of genius writes modern english his book goes upon crutches no longer but upon wings and they carry it swiftly all about america and england and through the great english reprint publishing houses of germany as witnessed the experience of mr cable and uncle remiss two of the very few southern authors who do not write in the southern style instead of three or four widely known literary names the south ought to have a dozen or two and we'll have them when sir walters time is out a curious exemplification of the power of a single book for good or harm is shown in the effects wrought by don quixote and those wrought by ivenhoe the first swept the world's admiration for the medieval chivalry silliness out of existence and the other restored it as far as our south is concerned the good work done by savantes is pretty nearly a dead letter so effectually has scott's pernicious work undermined it end of chapter 46 this is a libre vox recording all libre vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libre vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 47 uncle remiss and mr cable mr joel changler harris uncle remiss was to arrive from atlanta at seven o'clock sunday morning so he got up and received him we were able to detect him among the crowd of arrivals at the hotel counter by his correspondence with a description of him which had been furnished us from a trustworthy source he was said to be undersized red haired and somewhat fraggled he was the only man in the party who's outside tallied with this bill of particulars he was said to be very shy he is a shy man of this there is no doubt it may not show on the surface but the shyness is there after days of intimacy one wonders to see that it is still in about a strong force as ever there is a fine and beautiful nature hidden behind it as all know who have read the uncle remiss book and a fine genius too as all know by the same sign i seem to be talking quite freely about this neighbor but in talking to the public i am but talking to his personal friends and these things are permissible among friends he deeply disappointed a number of children who had flocked eagerly to see mr. cable's house to get a glimpse of the illustrious sage and oracle of the nation's nurseries they said why he's white and they were grieved about it so to console them the book was brought that they might hear uncle remiss's tar baby story from the lips of uncle remiss himself or what in their outraged eyes was left of him but it turned out that he had never read aloud to people and was too shy to venture the attempt now mr. cable and i read from books of ours to show him what an easy trick it was but his immortal shyness was proof against even this sagacious strategy so we had to read about brer rabbit ourselves mr harris ought to be able to read the negro dialect better than anybody else for in the matter of writing it he is the only master the country has produced mr cable is the only master in the writing of french dialects that the country has produced and he reads them in perfection it was a great treat to hear him read about john apuclin and about in reality and his famous pig show representing louisiana refusing to hunter the union along with passages of nicely shaded german dialect from a novel which was still in manuscript it came out in conversation that in two different instances mr cable got into grotesque trouble by using in his books next to impossible french names which nevertheless happened to be born by living and sensitive citizens of norlands his names were either inventions or were borrowed from the ancient and obsolete past i do not now remember which but at any rate living bearers of them turned up and were a good deal hurt at having attention directed to themselves and their affairs in so excessively public a manner mr warner and i had an experience of the same sort when we wrote the book called the gilded age there is a character in it called sellers i do not remember what his first name was in the beginning but anyway mr warner did not like it and wanted it improved he asked me if i was able to imagine a person named eschel sellers of course i said i could not without stimulants he said that away out west once he had met and contemplated and actually shaken hands with a man bearing that impossible name eschel sellers he added it was 20 years ago his name has probably carried him off before this and if it hasn't he will never see the book anyhow we will confiscate his name the name you are using is common and therefore dangerous there are probably a thousand sellers bearing it and the whole horde will come after us but eschel sellers is a safe name it is a rock so we borrowed that name and when the book had been out about a week one of the statelyest and handsomest and most aristocratic looking white men that ever lived called around with the most formidable libel suit in his pocket that ever well in brief we got his permission to suppress an addition of 10 million footnote figures taken from memory and probably incorrect i think it was more 10 million copies of the book and changed that name to mulberry sellers in future editions end of chapter 47 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 48 sugar and postage one day on the street i encountered the man whom of all men i most wish to see Horace Bixby formerly pilot under me or rather over me now captain of the great steamer city of Baton Rouge the latest and swiftest addition to the anchor line the same slender figure the same tight curls the same springy step the same alertness the same decision of i and answering decision of hand the same erect military bearing not an inch gained or lost in birth not an ounce gained or lost in weight not a hair turned it is a curious thing to leave a man 35 years old and come back at the end of 21 years and find him still only 35 i have not had an experience of this kind before i believe there were some crow's feet but they counted for next to nothing since they were inconspicuous his boat was just in i had been waiting several days for her proposing to return to st louis in her the captain and i joined a party of ladies and gentlemen guests of major wood and went down the river 54 miles in a swift tug to ex-governor warmeth's sugar plantation strung along below the city were a number of decayed ramshackley superannuated old steamboats not one of which had i ever seen before they had all been built and worn out and thrown aside since i was here last this gives one a realizing sense of the frailness of a mississippi boat and the briefness of its life six miles below town a fat and battered brick chimney sticking above the magnolias and live hoax was pointed out as the monument erected by an appreciative nation to celebrate the battle of new orleans jackson's victory over the british january 8 1815 the war had ended the two nations were at peace but the news had not yet reached new orleans if we had had the cable telegraph in those days this blood would not have been spilt those lives would not have been wasted and better still jackson would probably never have been president we have gotten over the harms done us by the war of 1812 but not over some of those done us by jackson's presidency the warmeth plantation covers a vast deal of ground and the hospitality of the warmeth mansion is graduated to the same large scale we saw steam plows at work here for the first time the traction engine travels about on its own wheels till it reaches the required post then it stands still and by means of a wire rope pulls the huge plow towards itself two or three hundred yards across the field between the rows of cane the thing cuts down into the black mold a foot and a half deep the plow looks like a four and a half brace of a hudson river steamer inverted when the negro steersman sits on one end of it that end tilts down near the ground while the other sticks up high in air this great seesaw goes rolling and pitching like a ship at sea and it is not every circus rider that could stay on it the plantation contains two thousand six hundred acres 650 are in cane and there is a fruitful orange grove of 5 000 trees the cane is cultivated after a modern and intricate scientific fashion to elaborate and complex for me to attempt to describe but it lost 40 000 last year i forget the other details however this year's crop will reach 10 or 1200 tons of sugar consequently last year's loss will not matter these troublesome and expensive scientific methods achieve a yield of a ton and a half and from that to two tons to the acre which is three or four times what the yield of an acre was in my time the drainage ditches were everywhere alive with little crabs fiddlers one saw them scampering sideways in every direction whenever they heard a disturbing noise expensive pasts these crabs or they bore into the levies and ruin them the great sugar house was a wilderness of tubs and tanks and vats and filters pumps pipes and machinery the process of making sugar is exceedingly interesting first you heave your cane into the centrifugals and grind out the juice then run it through the evaporating pan to extract the fiber then through the bone filter to remove the alcohol then through the clarifying tanks to discharge the molasses then through the granulating pipe to condense it then through the vacuum pan to extract the vacuum it is now ready for market i have chotted these particulars down from memory the thing looks simple and easy do not deceive yourself to make sugar is really one of the most difficult things in the world and to make it right is next to impossible if you will examine your own supply every now and then for a term of years and tabulate the result you will find that not two men in 20 can make sugar without getting sand into it we could have gone down to the mouth of the river and visited captain eads great work the jetties where the river has been compressed between walls and thus deep into 26 feet but it was voted useless to go since at this stage of the water everything would be covered up and invisible we could have visited that ancient and singular burg pilot town which stands on stilts in the water so they say where nearly all communication is by skiff and canoe even to the attending of weddings and funerals and where the littlest boys and girls are as handy with the ore as unamphibious children are with a philosophy we could have done a number of other things but on account of limited time we went back home the sale up to breezy and sparkling river was a charming experience and would have been satisfyingly sentimental and romantic but for the interruptions of the tugs pet parrot whose tireless comments upon the scenery and the guests were always this worldly and often profane he had also a super abundance of the discordant ear splitting metallic laugh common to his breed a machine made laugh a frankenstein laugh with the soul left out of it he applied it to every sentimental remark and to every pathetic song he cackled it out with hideous energy after home again home again from a foreign shore and said he wouldn't give a damn for a tug load of such rot romance and sentiment cannot long survive this sort of discouragement so the singing and talking presently ceased which so delighted the parrot that he cursed himself forth for joy then the male members of the party moved to the folks all to smoke and gossip there were several old steamboat men along and I learned from them a great deal of what had been happening to my former river friends during my long absence I learned that a pilot whom I used to steer for has become a spiritualist and for more than 15 years has been receiving a letter every week from a deceased relative through a new york spiritualist medium named manchester postage graduated by distance from the local post office in paradise to new york five dollars from new york to saint louis three cents I remember mr manchester very well I called on him once ten years ago with a couple of friends one of whom wish to inquire after a deceased uncle this uncle had lost his life in a peculiarly violent and unusual way half a dozen years before a cyclone blew him some three miles and knocked a tree down with him which was four feet through at the butt and sixty five feet high he did not survive this triumph at the seance just referred to my friend questioned his late uncle through mr manchester and the late uncle wrote down his replies using mr manchester's hand and pencil for that purpose the following is a fair example of the question asked and also of the sloppy twaddle in the way of answers furnished by manchester under the pretense that it came from the specter if this man is not the paltry is fraud that lives I owe him an apology question where are you answer in the spirit world q are you happy a very happy perfectly happy q how do you amuse yourself a conversation with friends and other spirits q what else a nothing else nothing else is necessary q what do you talk about a about how happy we are and about friends left behind in the earth and how to influence them for their good q when your friends in the earth all get to the spirit land what shall you have to talk about then nothing but about how happy you all are no reply it is explained that spirits will not answer frivolous questions q how is it that spirits that are content to spend an eternity in frivolous employments and accept it as happiness are so fastidious about frivolous questions upon the subject no reply q would you like to come back a no q would you say that under oath a yes q what do you eat there a we do not eat q what do you drink a we do not drink q what do you smoke a we do not smoke q what do you read a we do not read q do all the good people go to your place a yes q you know my present way of life can you suggest any additions to it in the way of crime that will reasonably ensure am I going to some other place a no reply q when did you die a I did not die I passed away q very well then when did you pass away how long have you been in the spirit land a we have no measurements of time here q so you may be indifferent and uncertain as to dates and times in your present condition and environment this has nothing to do with your former condition you had dates then one of these is what I asked for you departed on a certain day in a certain year is not this true a yes q then name the day of the month much fumbling with pencil on the part of the medium accompanied by violent spasmodic jerkings of his head and body for some little time finally explanation to the effect that spirits often forget dates such things being without importance to them q then this one has actually forgotten the date of its translation to the spirit land this was granted to be the case q this is very curious well then what year was it more fumbling jerking idiotic spasms on the part of the medium finally explanation to the effect that the spirit has forgotten a year q this is indeed stupendous let me put one more question one last question to you before we park to meet no more for even if I fail to avoid your asylum a meeting there will go for nothing as a meeting since by that time you will easily have forgotten me and my name did you die a natural death or will you cut off by a catastrophe a after long hesitation and many throws and spasms natural death this ended the interview my friend told the medium that when his relative was in this poor world he was endowed with an extraordinary intellect and an absolutely defectless memory and it seemed a great pity that he had not been allowed to keep some shred of these for his amusement in the realms of everlasting contentment and for the amazement and admiration of the rest of the population there this man had plenty of clients has plenty yet he receives letters from spirits located in every part of the spirit world and delivers them all over this country through the united states mail these letters are filled with advice advice from spirits who don't know as much as a tadpole and this advice is religiously followed by the receivers one of these clients was a man whom the spirits if one may thus plurally describe the ingenious Manchester were teaching how to contrive an improved railway car wheel it is coarse employment for a spirit but it is higher and wholesome or activity than talking forever about how happy we are end of chapter 48 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 49 episodes in pilot life in the course of the tugboat gossip it came out that out of every five of my former friends who had quitted the river four had chosen farming as an occupation of course this was not because they were peculiarly gifted agriculturally and thus more likely to succeed as farmers than in other industries the reason for their choice must be traced to some other source and doubtless they chose farming because that life is private and secluded from eruptions of undesirable strangers like the panic house hermitage and doubtless they also chose it because on a thousand nights of black storm and danger they had noted the twinkling lights of solitary farmhouses as the boats swung by and pictured to themselves the serenity and security and coziness of such refuges at such times and so had by and by come to dream of that retired and peaceful life as the one desirable thing to long for anticipate earn and at last enjoy but I did not learn that any of these pilot farmers had astonished anybody with their successes their farms do not support them they support their farms the pilot farmer disappears from the river annually about the breaking of spring and is seen no more till next frost then he appears again in damaged homespun homes the hay seed out of his hair and takes a pilot house birth for the winter in this way he pays the debts which his farming has achieved during the agricultural season so his river bondage is but half broken he is still the river slave the hardest half of the year one of these men bought a farm but did not retire to it he knew a trick worth two of that he did not propose to pop our eyes his farm by applying his personal ignorance to working it no he put the farm into the hands of an agricultural expert to be worked on shares out of every three loads of corn the expert to have two and the pilot the third but at the end of the season the pilot received no corn the expert explained that his share was not reached the farm produced only two loads some of the pilots whom I had known had had adventures the outcome fortunate sometimes but not in all cases captain Montgomery whom I had steered for when he was a pilot commanded the Confederate fleet in the great battle before Memphis when his vessel went down he swam a shore fought his way through a squad of soldiers and made a gallant and narrow escape he was always a cool man nothing could disturb his serenity once when he was captain of the Crescent City I was bringing the boat into port at New Orleans and momentary expecting orders from the hurricane deck but received none I had stopped the wheels and there my authority and responsibility ceased it was evening in twilight the captain's hat was perched upon the big bell and I suppose the intellectual end of the captain was in it but such was not the case the captain was very strict therefore I knew better than to touch a bell without orders my duty was to hold the boat steadily on her calamitous course and leave the consequences to take care of themselves which I did so we went plowing past the sterns of steamboats and getting closer and closer the crash was bound to come very soon and still that hat never budged for alas the captain was napping in the texas things were becoming exceedingly nervous and uncomfortable it seemed to me that the captain was not going to appear in time to see the entertainment but he did just as we were walking into the stern of a steamboat he stepped out on deck and said with heavenly serenity set her back on both which I did but a trifle late however for the next moment we went smashing through that other boat's flimsy outer works with a most prodigious racket the captain never said a word to me about the matter afterwards except to remark that I had done right and that he hoped I would not hesitate to act in the same way again in like circumstances one of the pilots whom I had known when I was on the river had died a very honorable death his boat caught fire and he remained at the wheel until he got her safe to land then he went out over the breastboard with his clothing and flames and was the last person to get ashore he died from his injuries in the course of two or three hours and his was the only life lost the history of mississippi piloting affords six or seven instances of this sort of martyrdom and half a hundred instances of escapes from a like fate which came within a second or two of being fatally too late but there are no instances of a pilot deserting his post to save his life while by remaining and sacrificing it he might secure other lives from destruction it is well worth while to set down this noble fact and well worthwhile to put it in italics too the cub pilot is early admonished to despise all perils connected with a pilot's calling and to prefer any sort of death to the deep dishonor of deserting his post while there is any possibility of his being useful in it and so effectively are these admonitions inculcated that even young and but half tried pilots can be depended upon to stick to the wheel and die there when occasion requires in a memphis graveyard is buried a young fellow who perished at the wheel of greek nitty years ago in white river to save the lives of other men he said to the captain that if the fire would give him time to reach a sandbar some distance away all could be saved but that to land against the bluff bank of the river would be to ensure the loss of many lives he reached the bar and grounded the boat in shallow water but by that time the flames had closed around him and in escaping through them he was fatally burned he had been urged to fly sooner but had replied as became a pilot to reply i will not go if i go nobody will be saved if i stay no one will be lost but me i will stay there were two hundred persons on board and no life was lost but the pilots there used to be a monument to this young fellow in that memphis graveyard while we carried in memphis on our down trip i started out to look for it but our time was so brief that i was obliged to turn back before my object was accomplished the tugboat gossip informed me that dick kenner was dead blown up near memphis and killed that several others whom i had known had fallen in the war one or two of them shot down at the wheel that another and very particular friend whom i had steered many trips for had stepped out of his house in norlands one night years ago to collect some money in a remote part of the city and had never been seen again was murdered and thrown into the river it was thought that benz thornburg was dead long ago also his wild cub whom i used to quarrel with all through every daylight watch a heedless reckless creature he was and always in hot water always in mischief an arkansas passenger brought an enormous bear aboard one day and chained him to a lifeboat on the hurricane deck thornburg's cub could not rest till he had gone there and unchained the bear to see what he would do he was promptly gratified the bear chased him around and around the deck for miles and miles with 200 eager faces grinning through the railings for audience and finally snatched off the lads coattail and went into the texas to chew it the off-watch turned out with alacrity and left the bear in full possession he presently grew lonesome and started out for recreation he ranged the whole boat visited every part of it with an advanced guard of fleeing people in front of him and a voiceless vacancy behind him and when his owner captured him at last those two were the only visible beings anywhere everybody else was in hiding and the boat was a solitude i was told that one of my pilot friends fell dead at the wheel from heart disease in 1869 the captain was on the roof at the time he saw the boat breaking for the shore shouted and got no answer ran up and found the pilot lying dead on the floor mr bixby had been blown up in madrid bend was not injured but the other pilot was lost george richie had been blown up near memphis blown into the river from the wheel and disabled the water was very cold he plundered to a cotton bale mainly with his teeth and floated until nearly exhausted when he was rescued by some deckhands who were on a piece of the wreck they tore open the bale and packed him in the cotton warmed the life back into him and got him safe to memphis he is one of bixby's pilots on the baton rouge now into the life of a steamboat clerk now dead had dropped a bit of romance somewhat grotesque romance but romance nevertheless when i knew him he was a shiftless young spence rift boisterous good-hearted full of careless generalities and pretty conspicuously promising to fool his possibilities away early and come to nothing in a western city lived a rich and childless old foreigner and his wife and in their family was a comely young girl sort of friend sort of servant the young clerk of whom i have been speaking whose name was not george johnson but who shall be called george johnson for the purposes of this narrative got acquainted with this young girl and they sinned and the old foreigner found them out and rebuked them being ashamed they lied and said they were married but they had been privately married then the old foreigner's hurt was healed and he forgave and blessed them after that they were able to continue their sin without concealment by and by the foreigners wife died and presently he followed after her friends of the family assembled to mourn and among the mourners sat the two young sinners the will was opened and solemnly read it equipped every penny of that old man's great wealth to mrs george johnson and there was no such person the young sinners fled forth then and did a very foolish thing married themselves before an obscure justice of the peace and got him to antedate the thing that did no sort of good the distant relatives flocked in and exposed the fraudful date with extreme suddenness and surprising ease and carried off the fortune leaving the johnson's very legitimately and legally and irrevocably chained together in honorable marriage but was not so much as a penny to bless themselves with all such are the actual facts and not all novels have for a base so telling a situation end of chapter 49 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 50 the original Jacobs we had some talk about captain isaia sellers now many years dead he was a fine man a high-minded man and greatly respected both the shore and on the river he was very tall well built and handsome and in his old age as i remember him his hair was as black as an indians and his eye and hand were as strong and steady and his nerve and judgment as firm and clear as anybody's young or old among the fraternity of pilots he was the patriarch of the craft he had been a keel boat pilot before the day of steamboats and a steamboat pilot before any other steamboat pilot still surviving at the time i speak of had ever turned a wheel consequently his brethren held him in the sort of awe in which illustrious survivors of a bygone age are always held by their associates he knew how he was regarded and perhaps this fact added some trifle of stiffening to his natural dignity which had been sufficiently stiff in its original state he left a diary behind him but apparently it did not date back to his first steamboat trip which was said to be 1811 the year the first steamboat disturbed the waters of the mississippi at the time of his death a correspondent of the saint louis republican called the following items from the diary in february 1825 he shipped on board the steamer rambler at florins alabama and made during that year three trips to new orleans and back this on the general carol between mashville and norlands it was during his stay on this boat that captain cellars introduced the tap of the bell as a signal to heave the lead previous to which time it was the custom for the pilot to speak to the men below when soundings were wanted the proximity of the folks who'll to the pilot house no doubt rendered this an easy matter but how different on one of our palaces of the present day in 1827 we find him on board the president a boat of 285 tons burden and flying between smithland and norlands then he joined the jubilee in 1828 and on this boat he did his first piloting in the saint louis trade his first watch extending from herculaneum to saint gen of yav on may 26 1836 he completed and left pittsburgh in charge of the steamer prairie a boat of 400 tons and the first steamer with a stateroom cabin ever seen at saint louis in 1857 he introduced the signal for meeting boats and which has with some slight change in the universal custom of this day in fact is rendered obligatory by act of congress as general items of river history we quote the following marginal notes from his general log in march 1825 general lefayette left norlands for saint louis on the low pressure steamer natchez in january 1828 21 steamers left the new orleans wharf to celebrate the occasion of general jackson's visit to that city in 1830 the north america made the run from norlands to menfus in six days best time on record to that date it has since been made in two days and ten hours in 1831 the red river cut off formed in 1832 steamer hudson made the run from white river to helena a distance of 75 miles in 12 hours this was the source of much talk and speculation among the parties directly interested in 1839 great horseshoe cut off formed up to the present time a term of 35 years we ascertain by reference to the diary he has made 460 round trips to norlands which gives a distance of 1,104,000 miles or an average of 86 miles a day whenever captain cellar's approach to body of gossiping pilots a chill fell there and talking ceased for this reason whenever six pilots were gathered together there would always be one or two newly fledged ones in the lot and the elder ones would be always showing off before these poor fellows making them sorrowfully feel how callow they were how recent their nobility and how humble their degree by talking largely and vaporously of old time experiences on the river always making it a point to date everything back as far as they could so as to make the new man feel their newness to the sharpest degree possible and envy the old stages in the like degree and how these complacent bald heads would swell and brag and lie and date back 10 15 20 years and how they did enjoy the effect produced upon the marveling and envying youngsters and perhaps just at this happy stage of the proceedings the stately figure of captain is via sellers that real and only genuine son of antiquity would drift solemnly into the midst imagine the size of the silence that would result on the instant and imagine the feelings of those bald heads and the exaltation of their recent audience on the ancient captain would begin to drop casual and indifferent remarks of a reminiscent nature about islands that had disappeared and cutoffs that had been made a generation before the oldest bald head in the company had ever set his foot in a pilot house many and many a time did this ancient mariner appear on the scene in the above fashion and spread disaster and humiliation around him if one might believe the pilots he always dated his islands back to the misty dawn of river history and he never used the same island twice and never did he employ an island that still existed or give one a name which anybody present was old enough to have heard of before if you might believe the pilots he was always conscientiously particular about little details never spoke of the state of Mississippi for instance now he would say when the state of Mississippi was where Arkansas now is and would never speak of Louisiana or Missouri in a general way and leave an incorrect impression on your mind now he would say when Louisiana was up the river father or when Missouri was on the Illinois side the old gentleman was not a literary terminal capacity but he used to jot down brief paragraphs of plain practical information about the river and sign them Mark Twain and give them to the New Orleans Picayune they related to the stage and condition of the river and were accurate and valuable and thus far they contain no poison but in speaking of the stage of the river today at a given point the captain was pretty apt to drop in a little remark about this being the first time he had seen the water so high or so low at that particular point for forty nine years and now and then he would mention island so and so and follow it in parentheses with some such observation as disappeared in 1807 if I remember rightly in these antique interjections lay poison and bitterness for the other old pilots and they used to chase the Mark Twain paragraphs was unsparing mockery it's so chance that one of these paragraphs footnote the original ms of it in the captain's own hand has been sent to me from New Orleans it reads as follows Bigsburg day four 1859 my opinion for the benefit of the citizens of New Orleans the water is higher this far up than it has been since eight my opinion is that the water will be feet deep in canal street before the first of next June Mrs. Turner's plantation at the head of big black island is all underwater and it has not been since 1815 I sellers and one of these paragraphs became the text for my first newspaper article I burlesque it broadly very broadly stringing my fantastics out to the extent of eight hundred or a thousand words I was a cub at the time I showed my performance to some pilots and they eagerly rushed it into print in the New Orleans true delta it was a great pity for it did nobody any worthy service and it sent a pang deep into a good man's heart there was no malice in my rubbish but it laughed at the captain it laughed at a man to whom such a thing was new and strange and dreadful I did not know then though I do now that there is no suffering comparable with that which a private person feels when he is for the first time pilloried in print captain sellers did me the honor to profoundly detest me from that day fourth when I say he did me the honor I am not using empty words it was a very real honor to be in the thoughts of so great a man as captain sellers and I had with enough to appreciate it and be proud of it it was distinction to be loved by such a man but it was a much greater distinction to be hated by him because he loved scores of people but he didn't sit up nights to hate anybody but me he never printed another paragraph while he lived and he never again signed Mark Twain to anything at the time that the Telegraph brought the news of his death I was on the Pacific Coast I was a fresh new journalist and needed a gnomed gear so I confiscated the ancient mariners discarded one and have done my best to make it remain what it was in his hands a sign and symbol and warrant that whatever is found in its company may be gambled on as being the petrified truth how I have succeeded it would not be modest in me to say the captain had an honorable pride in his profession and an abiding love for it he ordered his monument before he died and kept it near him until he died it stands over his grave now in bell fontan cemetery st louis it is his image in marble standing on duty at the pilot wheel and worthy to stand and confront criticism for it represents a man who in life would have stayed there till he burned to a cinder if duty required it the finest thing we saw on our whole mississippi trip we saw as we approached northerns in the steam tug this was the curving frontage of the crescent city lit up with a white glare of five miles of electric lights it was a wonderful sight and very beautiful end of chapter 50 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 51 reminiscences we left for st louis in the city of baton rouge on a delightfully hot day but with the main purpose of my visit but lamely accomplished i had hope to hunt up and talk with a hundred steam boatmen but got so pleasantly involved in the social life of the town and i got nothing more than mere five minute talks with a couple of dozen of the craft i was on the bench of the pilot house when we backed out and straightened up for the start the boat pausing for a good ready in the old-fashioned way and the black smoke piling out of the chimneys equally in the old fashioned way then we began to gather momentum and presently we're fairly underway and booming along it was all as natural and familiar and so were the shoreward sites as if there had been no break in my river life there was a cub and i judged that he would take the wheel now and he did captain bixby stepped into the pilot house presently the cub closed up on the rank of steam ships he made me nervous for he allowed too much water to show between our boat and the ships i knew quite well what was going to happen because i could date back in my own life and inspect the record the captain looked on during a silent half minute then took the wheel himself and crowded the boat in till she went scraping along within a hand breath of the ships it was exactly the favor which he had done me about a quarter of a century before in that same spot the first time i ever steamed out of the port of norlands it was a very great and sincere pleasure to me to see the thing repeated with somebody else as victim we made natchez 300 miles in 22 hours and a half much the swiftest passage i have ever made over that piece of water the next morning i came on with the four o'clock watch and saw a richie successfully run half a dozen crossings in a fog using for his guidance the marked chart devised and patented by bixie and himself this sufficiently evidence the great value of the chart by and by when the fog began to clear off i noticed that the reflection of a tree in the smooth water of an overflowed bank 600 yards away was stronger and blocker than the ghostly tree itself the faint spectral trees dimly glimpse through the shredding fog were very pretty things to see we had a heavy thunderstorm at natchez another at vicksburg and still another about 50 miles below memphis they had an old-fashioned energy which had long been unfamiliar to me this third storm was accompanied by a raging wind we tied up to the bank when we saw the tempest coming and everybody left the pilot house but me the wind bent the young trees down exposing the pale underside of the leaves and gust after gust followed in quick succession thrashing the branches violently up and down and to this side and that and creating swift waves of alternating green and white according to the side of the leaf that was exposed and these waves raced after each other as do their kind over a wind tossed field of oats no color that was visible anywhere was quite natural all tints were charged with a leaden tinge from the solid cloud bank overhead the river was leaden all distances the same and even the far reaching ranks of combing white caps were dully shaded by the dark rich atmosphere through which their swarming legions marched the thunderpeels were constant and deafening explosion followed explosion with but inconsequential intervals between and the reports grew steadily sharper and higher keyed and more trying to the ear the lightning was as diligent as the thunder and produced effects which enchanted the eye and sent electric ecstasies of mixed delight and apprehension shivering along every nerve in the body in unintermittent procession the rain poured down in amazing volume the ears splitting thunderpeels broke nearer and nearer the wind increased in fury and began to wrench off bows and treetops and send them sailing away through space the pilot house fell to rocking and straining and cracking and surging and i went down in the hold to see what time it was people boast a good deal about alpine thunderstorms but the storms which i have had the luck to see in the alps were not the equals of some of which i have seen in the mississippi valley i may not have seen the alps do their best of course and if they can beat the mississippi i don't wish to on this uptrip i saw a little toehead infant island half a mile long which had been formed during the past nineteen years since there was so much time to spare that nineteen years of it could be devoted to the construction of a mere toehead where was the use originally in rushing this whole globe through in six days it is likely that if more time had been taken in the first place the world would have been made right and the ceaseless improving and repairing would not be necessary now but if you hurry a world or a house you are nearly sure to find out by and by that you have left out a toehead or a broom closet or some other little convenience here and there which has got to be supplied no matter how much expense and dexation it may cost we had a succession of black knights going up the river and it was observable that whenever we landed and suddenly inundated the trees with intense sunburst of the electric light a certain curious effect was always produced hundreds of birds flocked instantly out from the masses of shining green foliage and went careening hither and thither through the white rays and often a songbird tuned up and fell to singing we judged that they mistook this superb artificial day for the genuine article we had a delightful trip in that thoroughly well ordered steamer and regretted that it was accomplished so speedily by means of diligence and activity we managed to hunt out nearly all the old friends one was missing however he went to his reward whatever it was two years ago but i found out all about him his case helped me to realize how lasting can be the effect of a very trifling occurrence when he was an apprentice blacksmith in our village and i a schoolboy a couple of young englishmen came to the town and sojourned a while and one day they got themselves up in cheap royal finery and did the rich of the third sword fight with maniac energy and prodigious pow wow in the presence of the village boys this blacksmith cub was there and the histrionic poison entered his bones this vast lumbering ignorant dull witted lout was stage struck and irrecoverably he disappeared and presently turned up in st louis i ran across him there by and by he was standing musing on a street corner with his left hand on his hip the thumb of his right supporting his chin faced bowed and frowning slouch hat pulled down over his forehead imagining himself to be a cello or some such character and imagining that the passing crowd marked his tragic bearing and were all struck i joined him and tried to get him down out of the clouds but did not succeed however he casually informed me presently that he was a member of the walnuts street theater company and he tried to say it with indifference but the indifference was thin and a mighty exaltation showed through it he said he was cast for a part in julius cesar for that night and if i should come i would see him if i should come i said i wouldn't miss it if i were dead i went away stupefied with astonishment and saying to myself how strange it is we always thought this fellow a fool yet the moment he comes to a great city where intelligence and appreciation abound the talent concealed in this shabby napkin is at once discovered and promptly welcomed and honored but i came away from the theater that night disappointed and offended for i had had no glimpse of my hero and his name was not in the bills i met him on the street the next morning and before i could speak he asked did you see me no you weren't there he looked surprised and disappointed he said yes i was indeed i was i was a roman soldier which one why didn't you see them roman soldiers that stood back there in a rank and sometimes marched in procession around the stage you mean the roman army those six sandaled roustabouts in night shirts with tin shields and helmets that marched around treading on each other's heels in charge of a spider leg consumptive dressed like themselves well that's it that's it i was one of them roman soldiers i was the next to the last one a half a year ago i used to always be the last one but i have been promoted well they told me that that poor fellow remained a roman soldier to the last a matter of 34 years sometimes they cast him for a speaking part but not an elaborate one he could be trusted to go and say my lord the carriage waits but if they venture to add a sentence or two to this his memory felt the strain and he was likely to miss fire yet poor devil he had been patiently studying the part of hamlet for more than 30 years and he lived and died in the belief that someday he would be invited to play it and this is what came of that fleeting visit of those young englishmen to our village such ages and ages ago what noble horseshoes this man might have made but for those englishmen and what an inadequate roman soldier he did make a day or two after we reached st lewis i was walking along fourth street when a grisly headed man gave a sort of start as he passed me then stopped came back inspected me narrowly with a clouding brow and finally said with deep disparity look here have you got that drink yet maniac i judged it first but all in a flash i recognized him i made an effort to blush that strained every muscle in me and answered as sweetly and winningly as ever i knew how in a little slow but i'm just this minute closing in on the place where they keep it come in and help he softened and said make it a bottle of champagne and he was agreeable he said he had seen my name in the papers and had put all his affairs aside and turned out resolved to find me or die and make me answer that question satisfactorily or kill me though the most of his late asperity had been rather counterfeit than otherwise this meeting brought back to me the st lewis riots of about 30 years ago i spent a week there at that time in a boarding house and had this young fellow for a neighbor across the hall we saw some of the fighting and killings and by and by we went one night to an armory where 200 young men had met upon call to be armed and go forth against the rioters under command of a military man we drilled till about 10 o'clock at night then news came that the mob were in great force in the lower end of the town and were sweeping everything before them our column moved at once it was a very hot night and my musket was very heavy we marched and marched the nearer we approached the seat of war the hotter i grew and the thirstier i got i was behind my friend so finally i asked him to hold my musket while i dropped out and got a drink then i branched off and went home i was not feeling any solicitude about him of course because i knew he was so well armed now that he could take care of himself without any trouble if i had had any doubts about that i would have borrowed another musket for him i left the city pretty early the next morning and if this grizzled man had not happened to encounter my name in the papers the other day in st louis and felt moved to seek me out i should have carried to my grave a heart torturing uncertainty as to whether he ever got out of the riots all right or not i ought to have inquired 30 years ago i know that and i would have inquired if i'd had the muskets but in the circumstances he seemed better fixed to conduct the investigations than i was one monday near the time of our visit to st louis the globe democrat came out with a couple of pages of sunday statistics whereby it appeared that 119,448 st louis people attended the morning and evening church services the day before and 23,102 children attended sunday school thus 142,550 persons out of the city's total of 400,000 population respected the day religious wise i found these statistics in a condensed form in a telegram of the associated press and preserved them they made it apparent that st louis was in a higher state of grace than she could have claimed to be in any time but now that i canvas the figures narrowly i suspect that the telegraph mutilated them it cannot be that there are more than 150,000 catholics in the town the other 250,000 must be classified as protestants out of these 250,000 according to this questionable telegram only 26,362 attended church and sunday school while out of the 150,000 catholics 116,188 went to church and sunday school end of chapter 51 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libravox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 52 a burning brand all at once the thought came into my mind i have not fought out mr brown upon that text i desire to depart from the direct line of my subject and make a little excursion i wish to reveal a secret which i have carried with me nine years and which has become burdensome upon a certain occasion nine years ago i had said with strong feeling if ever i see st louis again i will seek out mr brown the great green merchant and ask of him the privilege of shaking him by the hand the occasion and the circumstances were as follows a friend of mine a clergyman came one evening and said i have a most remarkable letter here which i want to read to you if i can do it without breaking down i must preface it with some explanations however the letter is written by an x thief and x vagabond of the lowest origin and basest rearing a man all stained with crime and steeped in ignorance but thank god with a mine of pure gold hidden away in him as you shall see his letter is written to a burglar named williams who is serving a nine-year term in a certain state prison for burglary williams was a particularly daring burglar and plied that trade during a number of years but he was caught at last and jailed to a wait trial in a town where he had broken into a house at night pistol in hand and forced the owner to hand over to him eight thousand dollars in government bonds williams was not a common sort of person by any means he was a graduate of harvard college and came of good new england stock his father was a clergyman while lying in jail his health began to fail and he was threatened with consumption this fact together with the opportunity for reflection afforded by solitary confinement had its effect its natural effect he fell into serious thought his early training asserted itself with power and wrought with strong influence upon his mind and heart he put his old life behind him and became an earnest christian some ladies in the town heard of this visited him and by their encouraging words supported him in his good resolutions and strengthened him to continue in his new life the trial ended in his conviction and sentenced to the state prison for the term of nine years as i have before said in the prison he became acquainted with the poor wretch referred to in the beginning of my talk jack hunt the writer of the letter which i am going to read he will see that the acquaintance ship bore fruit for hunt when hunt's time was out he wandered to st louis and from that place he wrote his letter to williams the letter got no further than the office of the prison warden of course prisoners are not often allowed to receive letters from outside the prison authorities read this letter but did not destroy it they had not the heart to do it they read it to several persons and eventually it fell into the hands of those ladies of whom i spoke a while ago the other day i came across an old friend of mine a clergyman who had seen this letter and was full of it the mere remembrance of it so moved him that he could not talk of it without his voice breaking he promised to get a copy of it for me and here it is an exact copy with all the imperfections of the original preserved it has many slang expressions in it thieves are got but their meaning has been interlined in parenthesis by the prison authorities was june 9th 1872 mr. w friend charlie if i may call you so i know you are surprised to get a letter from me but i hope you won't be mad at my writing to you i want to tell you my thanks for the way you talked to me when i was in prison it has led me to try and be a better man i guess you thought i did not care for what you said and at the first go off i didn't but i know you was a man who had done big work with good men and want no sucker nor want gassing and all the boys noted i used to think at night what you said and for it i knocked off swearing months before my time was up for i saw it want no good know how the day my time was up you told me if i would shake the cross quit stealing and live on the square for a month it would be the best job i ever done in my life the state agent give me a ticket to hear and on the car i thought more of what you said to me but didn't make up my mind when we got to chicago on the cars from there to here i pulled off an old woman's leather obter of her pocketbook i hadn't no more than got it off when i wished i hadn't done it for a while before that i made up my mind to be a square bloke for months on your word but forgot it when i saw the leather was a grip easy to get but i kept close to her and when she got out of the cars at a way place i said marm have you lost something and she tumbled discovered her leather was gone off gone is this it's as i giving it to her well if you ain't honest as she but i hadn't got cheap enough to stand that sort of talk so i left her in a hurry when i got here i had one dollar and twenty five cents left and i didn't get no work for three days as i ain't strong enough for roust about on a steamboat for deckhand the afternoon of the third day i spent my last ten cents for moons large round sea biscuit and cheese and i felt pretty rough and was thinking i would have to go on picking pockets again when i thought of what you once said about a fellow's calling on the lord when he was in hard luck and i thought i would try it once anyhow but when i tried it i got stuck on the start and all i could get off was lord give a poor fellow a chance to square it for three months for christ's sake amen and i kept thinking of it over and over as i went along about an hour after that i was in fourth street and this is what happened and is the cause of my being where i am now and about which i will tell you before i get done writing as i was walking along heard a big noise and saw a horse running away with a carriage with two children in it and i grabbed up a piece of box cover from the sidewalk and run in the middle of the street and when the horse came up i smashed him over the head as hard as i could drive the board split the pieces and the horse checked up a little and i grabbed the reins and pulled his head down until he stopped the gentleman what owned him came running up and soon as he saw the children were all right he shook hands with me and gave me a fifty dollar greenback and my asking the lord to help me come into my head and i was so thunderstruck i couldn't drop the reins nor say nothing he saw something was up and coming back to me said my boy are you hurt and the thought come into my head just then to ask him for work and i asked him to take back the bill and give me a job says he jump in here and let's talk about it but keep the money he asked me if i could take care of horses and i said yes for i used to hang around livery stables and often would help clean and drive horses he told me he wanted a man for that work and would give me sixteen dollars a month and bored me you bet i took that chance at once that night in my little room over the stable i sat a long time thinking over my past life friend of what had just happened and i just got down on my knees and thank the lord for the job and to help me to square it and to bless you for putting me up to it and the next morning i'd done it again and got me some new tugs clothes and a bible where i made up my mind after what the lord had done for me i would read the bible every night and morning and asked him to keep an eye on when i had been there about a week mr. brown that's his name came in my room one night and saw me reading the bible he asked me if i was a christian and i told him no he asked me how it was i read the bible instead of papers and books well charlie i thought i had better give him a square deal in the start so i told him all about my being in prison and about you and how i had almost done give up looking for work and how the lord got me the job when i asked him and the only way i had to pay him back was to read the bible and square it and i asked him to give me a chance for three months he talked to me like a father for a long time and told me i could stay and then i felt better than ever i had done in my life for i had given mr. brown a fair start with me and now i didn't fear no one giving me a back cap exposing his past life and running me off the job the next morning he called me into the library and gave me another square talk and advised me to study some every day and he would help me one or two hours every night and he gave me a arithmetic a spelling book geography and a writing book and he hers me every night he lets me come into the house to prayers every morning and got me put in the bible class in the sunday school which i like very much for it helps me to understand my bible better now charlie the three months on the square are up two months ago and as you said it is the best job i ever did in my life and i commenced another of the same sort right away only it is to god helping me to last a lifetime charlie i wrote this letter to tell you i do think god has forgiven my sins and heard your prayers for you told me you should pray for me i know i love to read his word and tell him all my troubles and he helps me i know that i have plenty of chances to steal but i don't feel to as i once did and now i take more pleasure in going to church than to the theater and that wasn't so once our minister and others often talk with me and a month ago they wanted me to join the church but i said no not now i may be mistaken in my feelings i will wait a while but now i feel that god has called me and on the first sunday in july i will join the church dear friend i wish i could write to you as i feel but i can't do it yet you know i learned to read and write while prisons and i ain't got well enough long to write as i would talk i know i ain't spelled all the words right in this and lots of other mistakes but you will excuse me i know for you know i was brought up in a poor house until i run away and that i never knew who my father and mother was and i don't know my right name and i hope you won't be mad at me but i have as much right to one name as another and i have taken your name for you won't use it when you get out i know and you are the man i think most of in the world so i hope you won't be mad i am doing well i put ten dollars a month in bank with twenty five dollars of the fifty dollars if you ever want any or all of it let me know and it is yours i wish you would let me send you some now i'll send you with this a receipt for a year of little living age i didn't know what you would like and i told mr brown and he said he thought he would like it i wish i was near you so i could send you chuck refreshments on holidays it would spoil this weather from here but i will send you a box next thanksgiving anyway next week mr brown takes me into his store as light porter and will advance me as soon as i know a little more he keeps a big greenery store wholesale i forgot to tell you of my mission school sunday school class the school is in the sunday afternoon i went out to sunday afternoons and picked up seven kids little boys and got them to come in two of them knew as much as i did and i had them put in a class where they could learn something i don't know much myself but as these kids can't read i get on nicely with them i make sure of them by doing after them every sunday or before school time i also got four girls to come tell mac and harry about me if they will come out here when their time is up i will get them jobs at once i hope you will excuse this long letter and all mistakes i wish i could see you for a can't write as like would talk i hope the warm weather is doing your lungs good i was afraid when you was bleeding you would die give my respects to all the boys and tell them how i am doing i am doing well and everyone here treats me as kind as they can mr brown is going to write to you sometime i hope someday you will write to me this letter is from your very true friend c w who you know is jack hunt i send you mr brown's card send my letter to him here was true eloquence irresistible eloquence and without a single grace or ornament to help it out i have seldom been so deeply stirred by any piece of writing a leader of it halted all the way through on a lame and broken voice yet he had tried to fortify his feelings by several private readings of the letter before venturing into company with it he was practicing upon me to see if there was any hope of his being able to read the document to his prayer meeting with anything like a decent command over his feelings the result was not promising however he determined to risk it and did he got through tolerably well but his audience broke down early and stayed in that condition to the end the fame of the letter spread through the town a brother minister came and borrowed the manuscript put it bodily into a sermon preached the sermon to 1200 people on a sunday morning and a letter drowned them in their own tears then my friend put it into a sermon and went before his sunday morning congregation with it it scored another trial the house wept as one individual my friend went on summer vacation up into the fishing regions of our northern british neighbors and carried the sermon with him since he might possibly chance to need a sermon he was asked to preach one day the little church was full among the people present with the late dr j g holland the late mr seymour of the new york times mr page the philanthropist and pumpkin's advocate and i think senator fry of maim the marvelous letter did its wanted work all the people were moved all the people wept the tears flowed in a steady stream down dr holland's cheeks and nearly the same can be said with regard to all who were there mr page was so full of enthusiasm over the letter that he said he would not rest until he made pilgrimage to that prison and had speech with the man who had been able to inspire a fellow unfortunate to write so priceless attract ah that unlucky page and another man if they had only been in jericho that letter would have rung through the world and stirred all the hearts of all the nations for a thousand years to come and nobody might ever have found out that it was the confoundedest brazenest ingeniousest piece of fraud and humbuggery that was ever concocted to full poor confiding mortals with the letter was a pure swindle and that is the truth and take it by and large it was without a computer among swindles it was perfect it was rounded symmetrical complete colossal the reader learns it at this point but we didn't learn it till some miles and weeks beyond the stage of the affair my friend came back from the woods and he and other clergymen and lay missionaries began once more to inundate audiences with their tears and the tears of said audiences i begged hard for permission to print the letter in the magazine and tell the watery story of its triumphs numbers of people got copies of the letter with permission to circulate them in writing but not in print copies were sent to the sandwich islands and other far regions charles dougley warner was at church one day when the warn letter was read and wept over at the church door afterward he dropped a peculiarly called iceberg down the clergyman's back with the question do you know that letter to be genuine it was the first suspicion that had ever been voiced but it had that sickening effect which first uttered suspicions against one's idle always have some talk followed why what should make you suspect that it isn't genuine nothing that i know of except that it is too neat and compact and fluent and nicely put together for an ignorant person an unpracticed hand i think it was done by an educated man the literary artist had detected the literary machinery if you will look at the letter now you will detect it yourself it is observable in every line straightway the clergyman went off with the seed of suspicion sprouting in him and wrote to a minister residing in that town where williams had been tailed and converted ask for light and also ask if a person in the literary line meaning me might be allowed to print the letter in tell its history he presently received this answer reverend my dear friend in regard to that convict's letter there can be no doubt as to its genuineness williams to whom it was written lay in our jail and profess to have been converted and reverend mr the chaplain had great faith in the genuineness of the change as much as one could have in such case the letter was sent to one of our ladies who is a sunday school teacher sent either by williams himself or the chaplain of the state's prison probably she has been greatly annoyed in having so much publicity lest it might seem a breach of confidence or be an injury to williams in regard to its publication i can give no permission though if the names and places were omitted and especially if sent out of the country i think you might take the responsibility and do it it is a wonderful letter which no christian genius much less one unsanctified could ever have written a showing the work of grace in a human heart and in a very degraded and wicked one it proves its own origin and reproves our weak faith in its power to cope with any form of wickedness mr brown of st louis from one said was a heartford man do all whom you send from heartford serve their master as well yes williams is still in the state's prison serving out a long sentence of nine years i think he has been sick and threatened with consumption but i have not inquired after him lately this lady that i speak of corresponds with him i presume and will be quite sure to look after him this letter arrived a few days after it was written and up wet mr williams stock again mr warner's low down suspicion was laid in the cold cold grave where it apparently belonged it was a suspicion based upon mere internal evidence anyway and when you come to internal evidence it's a big field and the game that too can play at as witness this other internal evidence discovered by the writer of the note above quoted that it is a wonderful lever which no christian genius much less one unsanctified could ever have written i had permission now to print provided i suppressed names and places and sent my narrative out of the country so i chose an australian magazine for vehicle as being far enough out of the country and set myself to work on my article and the ministers set the pumps going again with a letter to work the handles but meantime brother page had been agitating he had not visited the penitentiary but had sent a copy of the illustrious letter to the chaplain of that institution and accompanied it with apparently inquiries he got an answer dated four days later than that other brother's reassuring epistle and before my article was complete it wandered into my hands the original is before me now and i hear appended it is pretty well loaded with internal evidence of the most solid description state's prison chaplain's office july 11 1873 dear brother page herewith please find the letter kindly loaned me i am afraid its genuineness cannot be established it purports to be addressed to some prisoner here no such letter ever came to a prisoner here all letters received are carefully read by officers of the prison before they go into the hands of the convicts and any such letter could not be forgotten again charles williams is not a christian man but a dissolute cunning prodigal whose father is a minister of the gospel his name is an assumed one i'm glad to have made your acquaintance i am preparing a lecture upon life seen through prison bars and should like to deliver the same in your vicinity and so ended that little drama my poor article went into the fire for whereas the materials for it were now more abundant and infinitely richer than they had previously been there were parties all around me who although longing for the publication before were a unit for suppression at this stage in complexion of the game they said wait the wound is too fresh yet all the copies of the famous letter except mine disappeared suddenly and from that time onward the four times same old drought set in in the churches as a rule the town was on a spacious grin for a while but there were places in it where the green did not appear and where it was dangerous to refer to the ex convict letter a word of explanation jack hunt the professed writer of the letter was an imaginary person the burglar williams harvard graduates son of a minister wrote the letter himself to himself got it smuggled out of the prison got a conveyed to persons who had supported and encouraged him in his conversion where he knew two things would happen the genuineness of the letter would not be doubted or inquired to and the none of it would be noticed and would have valuable effect the effect indeed of starting a movement to get Mr. Williams pardoned out of prison that nob is so ingeniously so casually flung in and immediately left there in the tale of the letter undwelled upon that an indifferent reader would never suspect that it was the heart and core of the epistle if he even took note of it at all this is the nub I hope the warm weather is doing your lungs good I was afraid when you was bleeding you would die give my respects etc that is all there is of it simply touch and go no dwelling upon it nevertheless it was intended for an eye that would be swift to see it and it was meant to move a kind heart to try to affect the liberation of a poor reformed and purified fellow lying in the fell grip of consumption when I for the first time heard that letter read nine years ago I felt that it was the most remarkable one I had ever encountered and it so warned me toward Mr. Brown of St. Louis that I said that if ever I visited that city again I would seek out that excellent man and kiss the hem of his garment if it was a new one while I visited St. Louis but I did not hunt for Mr. Brown for alas the investigations of long ago had proved that the benevolent Brown like Jack Hunt was not a real person but a sheer invention of that gifted rascal Williams Birdler Harvard graduate son of a clergyman end of chapter 52 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 53 my boyhoods home we took passage in one of the fast boats of the St. Louis and St. Paul pocket company and started up the river when I as a boy first saw the mouth of the Missouri River it was 22 or 23 miles above St. Louis according to the estimate of pilots the wear and tear of the banks have moved it down eight miles since then and the pilots say that within five years the river will cut through and move the mouth down five miles more which will bring it within 10 miles of St. Louis about nightfall we passed the large and flourishing town of Alton Illinois and before daylight next morning the town of Louisiana Missouri a sleepy village in my day but a brisk railway center now however all the towns out there are railway centers now I could not clearly recognize the place this seemed odd to me for when I retired from the rebel army in 61 I retired upon Louisiana in good order at least in good enough order for a person who had not yet learned how to retreat according to the rules of war and had to trust to native genius it seemed to me that for a first attempt at a retreat it was not badly done I had done no advancing in all that campaign that was at all equal to it there was a railway bridge across the river here well sprinkled with glowing lights and a very beautiful sight it was at seven in the morning we reached Hannibal Missouri where my boyhood was spent I had had a glimpse of it 15 years ago and another glimpse six years earlier but both were so brief that they hardly counted the only notion of the town that remained in my mind was the memory of it as I had known it when I first quitted at 29 years ago that picture of it was still as clear and vivid to me as a photograph I stepped ashore with a feeling of one who returns out of a dead and gone generation I had a sort of realizing sense of what the Bastille prisoners must have felt when they used to come out and look upon Paris after years of captivity and note how curiously the familiar and the strange were mixed together before them I saw the new houses saw them plainly enough but they did not affect the older picture in my mind for through their solid bricks and mortar I saw the vanished houses which had formerly stood there with perfect distinctness it was Sunday morning and everybody was a bed yet so I passed through the vacant streets still seeing the town as it was and not as it is and recognizing and metaphorically shaking hands with a hundred familiar objects which no longer exist and finally climbed Holiday's Hill to get a comprehensive view the whole town lay spread out below me then and I could mark and fix every locality every detail naturally I was a good deal moved I said many of the people I once knew in this tranquil refuge of my childhood are now in heaven some my trust are in the other place the things about me and before me made me feel like a boy again convinced me that I was a boy again and that I had simply been dreaming an unusually long dream but my reflections spoiled all that or they forced me to say I see fifty old houses down yonder into each of which I could enter and find either a man or a woman who was a baby or unborn when I noticed those houses last or a grandmother who was a plump young bride at that time from this vantage the extensive view up and down the river and wide over the wooded expanses of Illinois is very beautiful one of the most beautiful on the Mississippi I think which is a hazardous remark to make for the eight hundred miles of river between St. Louis and St. Paul afford an unbroken succession of lovely pictures it may be that my affection for the one in question biases my judgment in its favor I cannot say as to that no matter it was satisfyingly beautiful to me and it had this advantage over all the other friends whom I was about to greet again it had suffered no change it was as young and fresh and calmly and gracious as ever it had been whereas the faces of the others would be old and scarred with the campaigns of life and marked with their griefs and defeats and would give me no uplifting of spirit an old gentleman out on an early morning walk came along and we discussed the weather and then drifted into other matters I could not remember his face he said he had been living here twenty eight years so he had come after my time and I had never seen him before I asked him various questions first about a mate of mine in Sunday school what became of him he graduated with honor in an eastern college wandered off into the world somewhere succeeded at nothing passed out of knowledge and memory years ago and is supposed to have gone to the dogs he was bright and promised well when he was a boy yes but the thing that happened is what became of it all I asked after another lad altogether the brightest in our village school when I was a boy he too was graduated with honors from an eastern college but life whipped him in every battle straight along and he died in one of the territories years ago a defeated man I asked after another of the bright boys he is a success always has been always will be I think I inquired after a young fellow who came to the town to study for one of the professions when I was a boy he went at something else before he got through went from medicine to law or from law to medicine then to some other new thing went away for a year came back with a young wife fell to drinking then to gambling behind the door finally took his wife and two young children to her fathers and went off to Mexico went from bad to worse and finally died there without a cent to buy a shroud and without a friend to attend the funeral and he for he was the best natured and most cheery and hopeful young fellow that ever was I named another boy oh he is all right lives here yet his wife and children and is prospering same verdict concerning other boys I named three school girls the first two live here are married and have children the other is long ago dead never married I named with a motion one of my early sweethearts she is all right been married three times married two husbands divorced from the third and I hear she is getting ready to marry an old fellow out in Colorado somewhere she's got children scattered around here in their most everywhere's the answer to several other inquiries was brief and simple killed in the war I named another boy well now his case is curious there wasn't a human being in this town but knew that that boy was a perfect chucklehead perfect dummy just a stupid ass as you may say everybody knew it and everybody said it well if that very boy isn't the first lawyer in the state of Missouri today I'm a Democrat is that so it's actually so I'm telling you the truth how do you account for it account for it well there ain't any accounting for it except that if you send a damn fool to st. Louis and you don't tell them he's a damn fool they'll never find it out well there's one thing sure if I had a damn fool I should know what to do with him ship him to st. Louis it's the noblest market in the world for that kind of property well when you come to look at it all around and chew at it and think it over don't just bang anything you ever heard of well yes it does seem to but don't you think maybe it was the Hannibal people who were mistaken about the boy and not the st. Louis people well nonsense the people here have known him from the very cradle they knew him a hundred times better than the st. Louis idiots could have known him no if you've got any damn fools that you want to realize on take my advice send them to st. Louis I mentioned a great number of people whom I had formerly known some were dead some were gone away some had prospered some had come to not but as regarded a dozen or so of the lot the answer was comforting prosperous live here yet found littered with their children I asked about miss and died in the insane asylum three or four years ago never was out of it from the time she went in and was always suffering to never got a shred of her mind back if he spoke the truth here was a heavy tragedy indeed thirty six years in a madhouse that some young fools might have some fun I was a small boy at the time and I saw those giddy young ladies come tiptoeing into the room where miss sat reading at midnight by lamp the girl at the head of the file wore a shroud and a dough face she crept behind the victim touched her on the shoulder and she looked up and screamed and then fell into convulsions she did not recover from the fright but went mad in these days it seems incredible that people believed in ghosts so short a time ago but they did after asking after such other folk as I could call to mind I finally inquired about myself oh he succeeded well enough no case of damn fool if they sent him to st. Louis he'd have succeeded sooner it was with much satisfaction that I recognize the wisdom of having told this candid gentleman in the beginning that my name was Smith end of chapter 53 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 54 past and present being left to myself up there I went on picking out old houses in the distant town and calling back their former inmates out of the moldy past among them I presently recognized the house of the father of Lem Hackett fictitious name it carried me back more than a generation in a moment and landed me in the midst of a time when happenings of life were not the natural and logical results of great general laws but of special orders and were freighted with very precise and distinct purposes partly punitive in intent partly admonitory and usually local in application when I was a small boy Lem Hackett was drowned on a Sunday he fell out of an empty flatboat where he was playing being loaded with sin he went to the bottom like an anvil he was the only boy in the village who slept that night we others all lay awake repenting we had not needed the information delivered from the pulpit that evening that Lem's was a case of special judgment we knew that already there was a ferocious thunderstorm that night and it raged continuously until near dawn the winds blew the windows rattled the rain swept along the roof in pelting sheets and at the briefest of intervals the inky blackness of the night vanished the houses over the way cleared out white and blinding for a quivering instant then the solid darkness shut down again and a splitting peel thunder followed which seemed to rend everything in the neighborhood to shreds and splinters I sat up in bed quaking and shuddering waiting for the destruction of the world and expecting it to me there was nothing strange or incongruous in heavens making such an uproar about Lem Hackett apparently it was the right and proper thing to do not had doubt entered my mind that all the angels were grouped together discussing this boy's case and observing the awful bombardment of our beggarly little village with satisfaction and approval there was one thing which disturbed me in the most serious way that was the thought that this centering of the celestial interest on our village could not fail to attract the attention of the observers to people among us who might otherwise have escaped notice for years I felt that I was not only one of those people but the very one most likely to be discovered that discovery could have but one result I should be in the fire with Lem before the chill of the river had been fairly warmed out of him I knew that this would be only just and fair I was increasing the chances against myself all the time by feeling a secret bitterness against Lem for having attracted this fatal attention to me but I could not help it this sinful thought persisted in infesting my breast in spite of me every time the lightning cleared I caught my breath and judged I was gone in my terror and misery I meanly began to suggest other boys and mention acts of theirs which were wicketer than mine and peculiarly needed punishment and I tried to pretend to myself that I was simply doing this in a casual way and without intent to divert the heavenly attention to them for the purpose of getting rid of it myself with deep sagacity I put these mentions into the form of farrowing recollections and left handed sham supplications that the sins of those boys might be allowed to pass unnoticed possibly they may repent it is true that Jim Smith broke a window and lied about it but maybe he did not mean any harm and although Tom Holmes has more bad words than any other boy in the village he probably intends to repent though he has never said he would and whilst it is a fact that John Jones did fish a little on Sunday once he didn't really catch anything but only just one small useless mudcat and maybe that wouldn't have been so awful if he had thrown it back and he says he did but he didn't pity but they would repent of these dreadful things and maybe they will yet but while I was shamefully trying to draw attention to these poor chaps who were doubtless directing the celestial attention to me at the same moment though I never once suspected that I had heedlessly left my candle burning it was not a time to neglect even trifling precautions there was no occasion to add anything to the facilities for attracting notice to me so I put the light out it was a long night to me and perhaps the most distressed one I ever spent I endured agonies of remorse for sins which I knew I had committed and for others which I was not certain about yet was sure that they had been set down against me in a book by an angel who was wiser than I and did not trust such important matters to memory it struck me by and by that I had been making a most foolish and calamitous mistake in one respect doubtless I had not only made my own destruction sure by directing attention to those other boys that had already accomplished theirs doubtless the lightning had stretched them all dead in their beds by this time the anguish and the fright which this thought gave me made my previous suffering seem trifling by comparison things had become truly serious I resolved to turn over a new leaf instantly I also resolved to connect myself with a church the next day if I survive to see its son appear I resolved to cease from sin in all its forms and to lead a high and blameless life forever after I would be punctual at church and Sunday school visit the sick carry baskets of victuals to the poor simply to fulfill the regulation conditions although I knew we had none among us so poor but they would smash the basket over my head for my pains I would instruct other boys in right ways and take the resulting trouncing meekly I would subsist entirely on tracts I would invade the rum shop and warn the drunkard and finally if I escaped the fate of those who early become too good to live I would go for a missionary the storm subsided toward daybreak and I dosed gradually to sleep with a sense of obligation to them hack it for going to eternal suffering in that abrupt way and thus preventing a far more dreadful disaster my own loss but when I rose refreshed by and by and found that those other boys were still alive I had a dim sense that perhaps the whole thing was a false alarm that the entire turmoil had been on limbs account and nobody's else the world looked so bright and safe that there did not seem to be any real occasion to turn over a new leaf I was a little subdued during that day and perhaps the next after that my purpose of reforming slowly dropped out of my mind and I had a peaceful comfortable time again until the next storm that storm came about three weeks later and it was the most unaccountable one to me that I had ever experienced on the afternoon of that day that she was drowned that she belonged to our Sunday school he was a German lad who did not know enough to come in now to the rain but he was exasperatingly good and had a prodigious memory one Sunday he made himself the envy of all the youth and the talk of all the admiring village by reciting three thousand verses of scripture without missing a word then he went off the very next day and got drowned circumstances gave to his death a peculiar impressiveness we were all bathing in a muddy creek which had a deep hole in it and in this hole the coopers had sunk a pile of green hickory hoop poles to soak some twelve feet under water we were diving and seeing who could stay under longest we managed to remain down by holding on to the hoop poles that he made such a poor success of it that he was hailed with laughter and derision every time his head appeared above water at last he seemed hurt with the taunts and begged us to stand still on the bank and be fair with him and give him an honest count be friendly and kind just this once and not miscount for the sake of having the fun of laughing at him treacherous winks were exchanged and all said all right dutchie go ahead we'll play fair dutchie plunged in but the boys instead of beginning to count followed the lead of one of their number and scampered to a range of blackberry bushes close by and hid behind it they imagined dutchie's humiliation when he should rise after a superhuman effort and find the place silent and vacant nobody there to applaud they were so full of laugh with the idea that they were continually exploding into muffled cackles time swept on and presently one who was keeping through the briars said with surprise why he hasn't come up yet laughing stopped boys it's a splendid dive said one never mind that said another the joke on him is all the better for it there was a remark or two more and then a pause talking ceased and all began to peer through the vines before long the boys' faces began to look uneasy then anxious then terrified still there was no movement of the placid water hearts began to beat fast and faces to turn pale we all glided out silently and stood on the bank our horrified eyes wandering back and forth from each other's countenances to the water somebody must go down and see yes that was plain but nobody wanted that grisly task draw straws so we did with hands which shook so that we hardly knew what we were about the lock fell to me and I went down the order was so muddy I could not see anything but I felt around among the hoop poles and presently I grasped a limp wrist which gave me no response and if it had I should not have known it I let it go with such a frightened suddenness the boy had been caught among the hoop poles and entangled there helplessly I fled to the surface and told the awful news some of us knew that if the boy were dragged out at once he might possibly be resuscitated but we never thought of that we did not think of anything we did not know what to do so we did nothing except that the smaller lads cried piteously and we all struggled frantically into our clothes putting on anybody's that came handy and getting them long side out and upside down as a rule then we scurried away and gave the alarm but none of us went back to see the end of the tragedy we had a more important thing to attend to we all flew home and lost not a moment in getting ready to lead a better life the night presently closed down then came on that tremendous and utterly unaccountable storm I was perfectly dazed I could not understand it it seemed to me that there must be some mistake the elements were turned loose and they rattled and banged and blazed away in the most blind and frantic manner all heart and hope went out of me and the dismal thought kept floating through my brain if a boy who knows three thousand verses by heart is not satisfactory what chance is there for anybody else of course I never questioned for a moment that the storm was on duchy's account or that he or any other inconsequential animal was worthy of such a majestic demonstration from on high the lesson of it was the only thing that troubled me for it convinced me that if duchy with all his perfections was not a delight it would be vain for me to turn over a new leaf for I must infallibly fall hopelessly short of that boy no matter how hard I might try nevertheless I did turn it over a highly educated fear compelled me to do that but succeeding days of cheerfulness and sunshine came bothering around and within a month I had so drifted backwards that again I was as lost and comfortable as ever breakfast time approached while I amuse these musings and qualities ancient happenings back to mind so I got me back into the present and went down the hill on my way through town to the hotel I saw the house which was my home when I was a boy at present rates the people who now occupy it are of no more value than I am but in my time they would have been worth not less than five hundred dollars apiece they are colored folk after breakfast I went out alone again intending to hunt up some of the Sunday schools and see how this generation of pupils might compare with their progenitors who had sat with me in those places and had probably taken me as a model though I do not remember as to that now by the public square there had been in my day a shabby little brick church called the old ship of vion which I had attended as a Sunday school scholar and I found the locality easily enough but not the old church it was gone and a trig and rather hilarious new edifice was in its place but pupils were better dressed and better looking than were those of my time consequently they did not resemble their ancestors and consequently there was nothing familiar to me in their faces still I contemplated them with a deep interest and a yearning wistfulness and if I had been a girl I would have cried for they were the offspring and represented and occupy the places of boys and girls some of whom I had loved to love and some of whom I had loved to hate but all of whom were dear to me for the one reason or the other so many years gone by and lord were be they now I was mightily stirred and would have been grateful to be allowed to remain unmolested and look my fill but a ball summited superintendent who had been a toe-headed Sunday school mate of mine on that spot in the early ages recognized me and I talked a flutter of wild nonsense to those children to hide the thoughts which were in me and which could not have been spoken without a betrayal of feeling that would have been recognized as out of character with me making speeches without preparation is no gift of mine and I was resolved to shirt any new opportunity but in the next and larger Sunday school I found myself in the rear of the assemblies so I was very willing to go on the platform a moment for the sake of getting a good look at on the spur of the moment I could not recall any of the old idiotic talks which visitors used to insult me with when I was a pupil there and I was sorry for this since it would have given me time and excuse to dawdle there and take a long and satisfying look at what I feel at liberty to say was an array of fresh young comeliness not matchable in another Sunday school of the same size as I talked merely to get a chance to inspect and as I strung out the random rubbish solely to prolong the inspection I judged it but decent to confess these low motives and I did so if the model boy was in either of these Sunday schools I did not see him the model boy of my time we never had but the one was perfect perfect in manners perfect in dress perfect in conduct perfect in filial deity perfect in exterior godliness but at bottom he was a pig and as for the contents of his skull they could have changed place for the contents of a pie and nobody would have been the worst off for it but the pie this fellow's reproachlessness was a standing reproach to every lad in the village he was the admiration of all the mothers and the detestation of all their sons I was told what became of him but as it was a disappointment to me I will not enter into details he succeeded in life end of chapter 54 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org Life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain Chapter 55 a vendetta and other things during my three days stay in the town I woke up every morning with the impressions that I was a boy for in my dreams the faces were all young again and looked as they had looked in the old times but I went to bed a hundred years old every night for meantime I had been seeing those faces as they are now of course I suffered some surprises along at first before I had become adjusted to the changed state of things I met young ladies who did not seem to have changed at all but they turned out to be the daughters of the young ladies I had in mind sometimes their granddaughters when you are told that a stranger of 50 is a grandmother there is nothing surprising about it but if on the contrary she is the person whom you knew as a little girl it seems impossible you say to yourself how can a little girl be a grandmother it takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old your friends have not been standing still in that matter I noticed that the greatest changes observable were with the women not the men I saw men whom 30 years had changed but slightly but their wives had grown old these were good women it is very wearing to be good there was a Saddler whom I wish to see but he was gone dead these many years they said once or twice a day the Saddler used to go tearing down the street putting on his coat as he went and everybody knew a steamboat was coming everybody knew also that John Stavley was not expecting anybody by the boat or any freight either and Stavley must have known that everybody knew this still it made no difference to him he liked to seem to himself to be expecting a hundred thousand tons of saddles by this boat and so he went on all his life enjoying being faithfully on hand to receive and receipt for those saddles in case by any miracles they should come a malicious Quincy paper used always to refer to this town in derision as Stavley's Landing Stavley was one of my earliest admirations I envied him his rush of imaginary business and the display he was able to make of it before strangers as he went flying down the street struggling with his fluttering coat but there was a carpenter who was my chiefest hero he was a mighty liar but I did not know that I believed everything he said he was a romantic sentimental melodramatic fraud and his bearing impressed me with awe I vividly remember the first time he took me into his confidence he was planning a board and every now and then he would pause and he even deep sigh and occasionally mutter broken sentences confused and not intelligible but out of their midst an ejaculation sometimes escaped which made me shiver and did me good one was oh god it is his blood I sat on the tool chest and humbly and shudderingly admired him for I judged he was full of crime at last he said in a low voice my little friend can you keep a secret I eagerly said I could a dark and dreadful one I satisfied him on that point then I will tell you some passages in my history for oh I must relieve my burdened soul or I shall die he cautioned me once more to be as silent as the grave then he told me he was a red-handed murderer he put down his plane held his hands out before him contemplated then sadly and said look with these hands I have taken the lives of 30 human beings the effect which this had upon me was an inspiration to him and he turned himself loose upon his subject with interest and energy he left generalizing and went into details began with his first murder described it told what measures he had taken to avert suspicion then passed to his second homicide his third his fourth and so on he had always done his murders with a bowie knife and he made all my hairs rise by suddenly snatching it out and showing it to me at the end of this first seance I went home with six of his fearful secrets among my freightage and found them a great help to my dreams which had been sluggish for a while back I saw him again and again on my saturday holidays in fact I spent the summer with him all of which was valuable to me his fascinations never diminished for he threw something fresh and stirring in the way of horror into each successive murder he always gave names gates places everything this by and by enabled me to note two things that he had killed his victims in every quarter of the globe and that these victims were always named lint the destruction of lynches went serenely on saturday after saturday until the original 30 had multiplied to 60 and more to be heard from yet then my curiosity got the better of my timidity and I asked how it happened that these justly punished persons all bore the same name my hero said he had never divulged that dark secret to any living being but felt that he could trust me and therefore he would lay bare before me the story of his sad and blighted life he had loved one too fair for earth and she had reciprocated with all the sweet affection of her pure and noble nature but he had a rival a base hireling named archibald lynch who said the girl should be his or he would die his hands in her heart's best blood the carpenter innocent and happy in love's young dream gave no weight to the threat but led his golden hair darling to the altar and there the two were made one there also just as the minister's hands were stretched in blessing over their heads the fell deed was done with a knife and a bride fell a corpse at her husband's feet and what did the husband do he plucked forth that knife and kneeling by the body of his lost one swore to consecrate his life to the extermination of all the human scum that bear the hated name of lynch that was it he had been hunting down the lynches and flattering them from that day to this 20 years he had always used that same consecrated knife with it he had murdered his long array of lynches and with it he had left upon the forehead of each victim a peculiar mark across deeply incised said he the cross of the mysterious adventure is known in Europe in America in China in Siam in the tropics in the polar seas in the deserts of Asia in all the earth wherever in the uttermost parts of the globe a lynch has penetrated there has the mysterious cross been seen and those who have seen it have shuttered and said it is his mark he has been here you have heard of the mysterious adventure look upon him for before you stands no less a person but beware breathe not a word to any soul be silent and wait some morning this town will flock aghast to view a gory corpse on its brow will be seen the awful sign and men will tremble and whisper he has been here it is the mysterious avengers mark you will come here but i shall have vanished you will see me no more this ass had been reading the gibonano say no doubt and had had his poor romantic head turned by it but as i had not yet seen the book then i took his inventions for truth and did not suspect that he was a plagiarist however we had a lynch living in the town and the more i reflected upon his impending doom the more i could not sleep it seemed my plain duty to save him and a still planer and more important duty to get some sleep for myself so at last i ventured to go to mr lynch and tell him what was about to happen to him under strict secrecy i advised him to fly and certainly expected him to do it but he laughed at me and he did not stop there he led me down to the carpenter shop gave the carpenter a jeering and scornful lecture upon his silly pretensions slapped his face made him get down on his knees and beg then went off and left me to contemplate the cheap and pitiful ruin of what in my eyes had so lately been a majestic and incomparable hero the carpenter blistered flourished his knife and doomed this lynch in his usual volcanic style the size of his fateful words undiminished but it was all wasted upon me he was a hero to me no longer but only a poor foolish exposed humbug i was ashamed of him and ashamed of myself i took no further interest in him and never went to his shop anymore he was a heavy loss to me for he was the greatest hero i had ever known the fellow must have had some talent for some of his imaginary murders were so vividly and dramatically described that i remember all their details yet the people of hannibal are not more changed than is the town it is no longer a village it is a city with a mayor and a council and waterworks and probably a debt it has 15 000 people is a thriving and energetic place and is paved like the rest of the west and south where a well paved street and a good sidewalk are things so seldom seen that one doubts them when he does see them the customary half dozen railways center in hannibal now and there is a new depot which cost a hundred thousand dollars in my time the town had no specialty and no commercial grandeur the daily packet usually landed a passenger and bought a catfish and took away another passenger in a hat full of freight but now a huge commerce in lumber has grown up and a large miscellaneous commerce is one of the results a deal of money changes hands there now bear creek so-called perhaps because it was always so particularly bear of bears is hidden out of sight now under islands and continents of piled lumber and nobody but an expert can find it i used to get drowned in it every summer regularly and be dreamed out and inflated and set going again by some chance enemy but not enough of it is unoccupied now to drown a person in it was a famous breeder of chills and fever in its day i remember one summer when everybody in town had this disease at once many chimneys were shaken down and all the houses were so wracked that the town had to be rebuilt the chasm or gorge between lovers leap and the hill west of it is supposed by scientists to have been caused by glacial action this is a mistake there is an interesting cave a mile or two below hannibal among the bluffs i would have liked to revisit it but had no time in my time the person who then owned it turned it into a mausoleum for his daughter aged fourteen the body of this poor child was put into a copper cylinder filled with alcohol and this was suspended in one of the dismal avenues of the cave the top of the cylinder was removable and it was said to be a common thing for the base order of tourists to drag the deadface interview and examine it and comment upon it end of chapter 55 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 56 a question of law the slaughterhouse is gone from the mouth of Bear Creek and so is the small jail or Calibus which once stood in its neighborhood a citizen asked do you remember when Jimmy Finn the town drunkard was burned to death in the Calibus observe now how history becomes defiled through laps of time and the help of the bad memories of men Jimmy Finn was not burned in the Calibus but died a natural death in a tan vat of a combination of delirium tremens and spontaneous combustion when i say natural death i mean it was a natural death for Jimmy Finn to die the Calibus victim was not a citizen he was a poor stranger a harmless whiskey sodden i know more about his case than anybody else i knew too much of it in that bygone day to relish speaking of it that tramp was wondering about the streets one chilly evening with a pipe in his mouth and begging for a match he got neither matches nor courtesy on the contrary a troop of bad little boys followed him around and amused themselves with nagging and annoying him i assisted but at last some appeal which the wayfarer made for forbearance accompanying it with a pathetic reference to his forlorn and friendless condition touched such sense of shame and remnant of right feeling as we left in me and i went away and got him some matches and then hide me home and to bed heavily waited as to conscience and unboyant in spirit an hour or two afterward the man was rested and locked up in the calibus by the marshal large name for a constable but that was his title at two in the morning the church bells rang for fire and everybody turned out of course i with the rest the tramp had used his matches disastrously he had set his straw bed on fire and the oaken sheathing of the room had caught when i reached the ground two hundred men women and children stood mass together transfixed with horror and staring at the grated windows of the jail behind the iron bars and tugging frantically at them and screaming for help stood the tramp he seemed like a black object set against the sun so white and intense was the light at his back that marshal could not be found and he had the only key a battering ram was quickly improvised and the thunder of its blows upon the door had so encouraging a sound that the spectators broke into wild cheering and believed the merciful battle won but it was not so the timbers were too strong they did not yield it was said that the man's death grip still held fast to the bars after he was dead and that in this position the fires wrapped him about and consumed him as to this i do not know what was seen after i recognize the face that was pleading through the bars was seen by others not by me i saw that face so situated every night for a long time afterward and i believed myself as guilty of the man's death as if i had given him the matches purposely that he might burn himself up with them i had not a doubt that i should be hanged if my connection with this tragedy were found out the happenings and the impressions of that time are burnt into my memory and the study of them entertains me as much now as they did themselves distrust me then if anybody spoke of that grizzly matter i was all ears in a moment an alert to hear what might be said or i was always dreading and expecting to find out that i was suspected and so fine and so delicate was the perception of my guilty conscience that it often detected suspicion in the most purposeless remarks and in looks gestures glances of the eye which had no significance but which sent me shivering away in a pot of fright just the same and how sick it made me when somebody dropped how so ever carelessly and barren of intent the remark that murder out from a boy of ten years i was carrying a pretty weighty cargo all this time i was blessedly forgetting one thing the fact that i was an inveterate talker in my sleep but one night i awoke and found my bedmate my younger brother sitting up in bed and contemplating me by the light of the moon i said what is the matter you talk so much i can't sleep i came to a sitting posture in an instant with my kidneys in my throat and my hair on end what did i say quick out with it what did i say nothing much it's a lie you know everything everything about what you know well enough about that about what i don't know what you were talking about i think you are sick or crazy or something but anyway you're awake and i'll get to sleep while i've got a chance he fell asleep and i lay there in a cold sweat turning this new terror over in the whirling chaos which did duty as my mind the burden of my thought was how much did i divulge how much does he know what a distress is this uncertainty but by and by i evolved an idea i would wake my brother and probe him with a superstitious case i shook him up and said suppose a man should come to you drunk this is foolish i'd never get drunk i don't mean you idiot i mean the man suppose a man should come to you drunk and borrow a knife or a tomahawk or a pistol and you forgot to tell him it was loaded and how could you load a tomahawk i don't mean the tomahawk and i didn't say the tomahawk i said the pistol now don't you keep breaking in that way because this is serious there's been a man killed what in this town yes in this town well go on i won't say a single word well then suppose you forgot to tell him to be careful with it because it was loaded and he went off and shot himself with that pistol fooling with it you know and probably doing it by accident being drunk well would it be murder no suicide no no i don't mean his act i mean yours would you be a murderer for letting him have that pistol after deep thought came this answer well i should think i was guilty of something maybe murder yes probably murder but but i don't quite know this made me very uncomfortable however it was not a decisive verdict i should have to set out the real case there seemed to be no other way but i would do it cautiously and keep a watch out for suspicious effects i said i was supposing a case but i am coming to the real one now do you know how the man came to be burned up in the calaboose no have you the least idea not the least wish you may die in your tracks if you have yes wish i may die in my tracks well the way of it was this the man wanted some matches to light his pipe the boy got him some the man set fire to the calaboose with those very matches and burnt himself up is that so yes it is now is that boy a murderer do you think let me see the man was drunk yes he was drunk very drunk yes and the boy knew it yes he knew it there was a long pause then came this heavy verdict if the man was drunk and the boy knew it the boy murdered that man this is certain faint sickening sensations crept along all the fibers of my body and i seem to know how a person feels who hears his death sentence pronounced from the bench i waited to hear what my brother would say next i believed i knew what it would be and i was right he said i know the boy i had nothing to say so i said nothing i simply shut it and then he added yes before you got half through telling about the thing i knew perfectly well who the boy was it was ben coons i came out of my collapse as one who rises from the dead i said with admiration why how in the world did you ever guess it you told it in your sleep i said to myself how splendid that is this is a habit which must be cultivated my brother rattled innocently on when you were talking in your sleep you kept mumbling something about matches which i couldn't make anything out of but just now when you began to tell me about the man and the calaboose and the matches i remembered that in your sleep you mentioned ben coons two or three times so i put this and that together you see and right away i knew it was ben that burnt that man up i praised his sagacity effusively presently he asked are you going to give him up to the law no i said i believe that this will be a lesson to him i shall keep an eye on him of course for that is but right but if he stops where he is and reforms it shall never be said that i betrayed him how good you are well i try to be it is all a person can do in a world like this and now my burden being shifted to other shoulders my care soon faded away the day before we left Hannibal a curious thing fell under my notice the surprising spread which longitudinal time undergoes there i learned it from one of the most unustentatious of men the colored poachman of a friend of mine who lives three miles from town he was to call for me at the park hotel at 7 30 p.m and drive me out but he missed it considerably did not arrive till 10 he excused himself by saying the time is most an hour and a half slower in the country and what it is in the town you'll be in plenty time boss sometimes we shoves out early for church sunday and fetches up the right plum in the middle of the sermon difference in the time a body can't make no calculations about it i had lost two hours and a half but i had learned a fact worth four end of chapter 56 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 57 an archangel from st louis northward there are all the enlivening signs of the presence of active energetic intelligent prosperous practical 19th century populations the people don't dream they work the happy result is manifest all around in the substantial outside aspect of things and the suggestions of wholesome life and comfort that everywhere appear quincy is a notable example a brisk handsome well-ordered city and now as formerly interested in art letters and other high things but marion city is an exception marion city has gone backwards in a most unaccountable way this metropolis promised so well that the projectors tacked city to its name in the very beginning with full confidence but it was bad prophecy when i first saw marion city 35 years ago it contained one street and nearly or quite six houses it contains but one house now and this one in a state ruin is getting ready to follow the former five into the river doubtless marion city was too near to quincey it had another disadvantage it was situated in a flat mud bottom below high watermark whereas quincey stands high up on the slope of a hill in the beginning quincey had the aspect and ways of a model new england town and these she has yet broad clean streets trim neat dwellings and lawns fine mansions stately blocks of commercial buildings and there are ample fairgrounds a well kept park and many attractive drives library reading rooms a couple of colleges some handsome and costly churches and a grand courthouse with grounds which occupy a square the population of the city is 30 000 there are some large factories here and manufacturing of many sorts is done on a great scale legrange and canton are growing towns but i missed alexandria was told it was underwater but would come up to blow in the summer kia cook was easily recognizable i lived there in 1857 an extraordinary year there in real estate matters the boom was something wonderful everybody bought everybody sold except widows and preachers they always hold on and when the tide ebbs they get left anything in the semblance of a town lot no matter how situated was saleable and at a figure which would still have been high if the ground had been sodded with greenbacks the town has a population of 15 000 now and is progressing with a healthy growth it was night and we could not see details for which we were sorry for kia cook has the reputation of being a beautiful city it was a pleasant one to live in long ago and doubtless has advanced not retrograded in that respect a mighty work which was in progress there in my day is finished now this is the canal over the rapids it is eight miles long 300 feet wide and is in no place less than six feet deep its masonry is of the majestic kind which the war department usually deals in and will endure like a roman aqueduct the work cost four or five millions after an hour or two spent with former friends we started up the river again kia cook a long time ago was an occasional loafing place of that erratic genius henry clay dean i believe i never saw him but once but he was much talked of when i lived there this is what was said of him he began life poor and without education but he educated himself on the curb stones of kia cook he would sit down on a curb stone with his book careless or unconscious of the clatter of commerce and the tramp of the passing crowds and bury himself in his studies by the hour never changing his position except to draw in his knees now and then to let a drae pass unobstructed and when his book was finished its contents however obstruce had been burnt into his memory and were his permanent possession in this way he acquired a vast hoard of all sorts of learning and had it pigeonholed in his head where he could put his intellectual hand on it whenever it was wanted his clothes differed in no respect from a war frats except that they were ragged her more ill assorted and in harmonious and therefore more extravagantly picturesque and several layers dirtier nobody could infer the mastermind in the top of that edifice from the edifice itself he was an orator by nature in the first place and later by the training of experience and practice when he was out on a canvas his name was a lodestone which drew the farmers to his stump from 50 miles around his theme was always politics he used no notes for a volcano does not need notes in 1862 a son of kia cook's late distinguished citizen mr. claggett gave me this incident concerning dean the war feeling was running high in kia cook in 61 and a great mass meeting was to be held on a certain day in the new athenium a distinguished stranger was to address the house after the building had been popped to its utmost capacity with sweltering folk of both sexes the stage still remained vacant the distinguished stranger had failed to connect the crowd grew impatient and by and by indignant and rebellious about this time a distressed manager discovered dean on a curved stone explained the dilemma to him took his book away from him rushed him into the building the back way and told him to make for the stage and save his country presently a sudden silence fell upon the grumbling audience and everybody's eyes sought a single point the wide empty carpetless stage a figure appeared there whose aspect was familiar to hardly a dozen persons present it was the scarecrow dean in foxy shoes down at the heels socks of odd colors also down damaged trousers relics of antiquity and a world too short exposing some inches of naked ankle an unbuttoned vest also too short and exposing a zone of soiled and wrinkled linen between it and the waistband shirt bosom open long black handkerchief wound round and bound the neck like a bandage bobtailed blue coat reaching down to the small of the back with sleeves which left four inches of forearm unprotected small stiff brimmed soldier cap hung on a corner of the bump of whichever bump it was this figure moved gravely out upon the stage and with sedate and measured step down to the front where it paused and dreamily inspected the house saying no word the silence of surprise held its own for a moment then was broken by a just audible ripple of merriment which swept the sea of faces like the wash of a wave the figure remained as before thoughtfully inspecting another wave started laughter this time it was followed by another then a third this last one boisterous and now the stranger stepped back one pace took off his soldier cap fasted into the wing and began to speak with deliberation nobody listening everybody laughing and whispering the speaker talked on unembarrassed and presently delivered a shot which went home and silence and attention resulted he followed it quick and fast with other telling things warm to his work and began to pour his words out instead of dripping them drew hotter and hotter and fell to discharging lightnings and thunder and now the house began to break into applause to which the speaker gave no heed but went hammering straight on unwound his black bandage and cast it away still thundering presently discarded the bob-tailed coat and flung it aside firing up higher and higher all the time finally flung the vest after the coat and then for an untimed period stood there like another Vesuvius spouting smoke and flame lava and ashes raining pumice stone and cinders shaking the moral earth with intellectual crash upon crash explosion upon explosion while the mad multitude stood upon their feet in a solid body answering back with a ceaseless hurricane of cheers through a thrashing snowstorm of waving handkerchiefs when dean came said claggett the people thought he was an escaped lunatic but when he went they thought he was an escaped archangel burlington the home of the sparkling verdet is another hill city and also a beautiful one unquestionably so a fine and flourishing city with a population of 25 000 and belted with busy factories of nearly every imaginable description it was a very sober city too for the moment for a most sobering bill was pending a bill to forbid the manufacture exportation importation purchase sale borrowing lending stealing drinking smelling or possession by conquest inheritance intent accident or otherwise in the state of iowa of each and every deleterious beverage known to the human race except water this measure was approved by all the rational people in the state but not by the bench or judges burlington has the progressive modern city's full equipment of devices for right and intelligent government including a paid fire department a thing which the great city of norlands is without but still employs that relic of antiquity the independent system in burlington as in all these upper river towns one breathes a go ahead atmosphere which tastes good in the nostrils an opera house has lately been built there which is in strong contrast with a shabby dens which usually do duty as theaters in cities of burlington size we had no time to go ashore in muscatine but had a daylight view of it from the boat i lived there a while many years ago but the place now had a different unfamiliar look so suppose it has clear outgrown the town which i used to know in fact i know it has or i remember it as a small place which it isn't now but i remember it best for a lunatic who caught me out in the fields one sunday and extracted a butcher knife from his boot and proposed to carve me up with it unless i acknowledged him to be the only son of the devil i tried to compromise on an acknowledgement that he was the only member of the family i had met but that did not satisfy him he wouldn't have any half measures i must say that he was the sole and only son of the devil he wetted his knife on his boot it did not seem worthwhile to make trouble about a little thing like that so i swung around to his view of the matter and saved my skin whole shortly afterward he went to visit his father and as he has not turned up since i trust he is there yet and i remember muscatine still more pleasantly for its summer sunsets i have never seen any on either side of the ocean that equaled them they used the broad smooth river as a canvas and painted on it every imaginable dream of color from the mottled daintiness and delicacies of the opal all the way up through cumulative intensities to blinding purple and crimson conflagrations which were enchanting to the eye but sharply tried it at the same time all the upper mississippi region has these extraordinary sunsets as a familiar spectacle it is the true sunset land i am sure no other country can show so good a right to the name the sunrises are also said to be exceedingly fine i do not know end of chapter 57 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain chapter 58 on the upper river the big towns drop in thick and fast now and between stretch processions of thrifty farms not desolate solitude hour by hour the boat plows deeper and deeper into the great and populous northwest and with each successive section of it which is revealed one surprise and respect gather emphasis and increase such a people and such achievements as theirs compel homage this is an independent race who think for themselves and who are competent to do it because they are educated and enlightened they read they keep abreast of the best and newest thought they fortify every week place in their land with a school a college a library and a newspaper and they live under law solicitude for the future of a race like this is not in order this region is new so new that it may be said to be still in its babyhood by what it has accomplished while still teething one may forecast what marvels it will do in the strength of its maturity it is so new that the foreign tourist has not heard of it yet and has not visited it for 60 years the foreign tourist has steamed up and down the river between st. louis and new orleans and then gone home and written his book believing he had seen all of the river that was worth seeing or that had anything to see in not six of all these books is their mention of these upper river towns for the reason that the five or six tourists who penetrated this region did it before these towns were projected the latest tourist of them all 1878 made the same old regulation trip he had not heard that there was anything north of st louis yet there was there was this amazing region bristling with great towns projected day before yesterday so to speak and built next morning a score of them number from 1500 to 5000 people then we have muscatine 10 000 winona 10 000 maline 10 000 rock island 12 000 lacrosse 12 000 berlington 25 000 debuque 25 000 avanport 30 000 st paul 58 000 miniapolis 60 000 and upward the foreign tourist has never heard of these there is no note of them in his books they have sprung up in the night while he slept so new in this region that i who am comparatively young i'm yet older than it is when i was born st paul had a population of three persons miniapolis had just a third as many the then population of miniapolis died two years ago and when he died he had seen himself undergo an increase in 40 years of 59 999 persons he had a frog's fertility i must explain that the figures set down above as the population of st paul and miniapolis are several months old these towns are far larger now in fact i have just seen a newspaper estimate which gives the former 71 000 and the latter 78 000 this book will not reach the public for six or seven months yet none of the figures will be worth much then we had a glimpse of davinport which is another beautiful city crowning a hill a phrase which applies to all these towns for they are all comely all well built clean orderly pleasant to the eye and cheering to the spirit and they are all situated upon hills therefore we will give that phrase a rest the indians have a tradition that marquette and juliette camped where davinport now stands in 1673 the next white man who camped there did it about 170 years later in 1834 davinport has gathered its 30 000 people within the past 30 years she sends more children to her schools now than her whole population numbered 23 years ago she has the usual upper river quota of factories newspapers and institutions of learning she has telephones local telegraphs an electric alarm and an admirable paid fire department consisting of six hook and ladder companies four steamed fire engines and 30 churches davinport is the official residence of two bishops episcopal and catholic opposite davinport is the flourishing town of rock island which lies at the foot of the upper rapids a great railroad bridge connects the two towns one of the 13 which swept the mississippi and the pilots between st louis and st paul the charming island of rock island three miles long and half a mile wide belongs to the united states and the government has turned it into a wonderful park enhancing its natural attractions by art and threading its fine forests with many miles of drives near the center of the island one catches glimpses through the trees of ten vast stone four-story buildings each of which covers an acre of ground these are the government workshops for the rock island establishment is a national armory and arsenal we move up the river always through enchanting scenery there being no other kind on the upper mississippi and past maline a center of vast manufacturing industries and clinton and lions great lumber centers and presently reached a buke which is situated in a rich mineral region the lead mines are very productive and of wide extent the buke has a great number of manufacturing establishments among them a plow factory which has for customers all christendom in general at least so i was told by an agent of the concern who was on the boat he said you show me any country under the sun where they really know how to plow and if i don't show you our mark on the plow they use i'll eat that plow and i won't ask for any Worcestershire sauce to flavor it up with either all this part of the river is rich in indian history and traditions black hawks was once a pucent name here about as was kyakuk's further down a few miles below debuque is the hent demore deathhead rock or bluff to the top of which the french drove a band of indians in early times and cooped them up there was death for a certainty and only the manner of it matter of choice to starve or jump off and kill themselves black hawk adopted the ways of the white people toward the end of his life and when he died he was buried near demoyne in christian fashion modified by indian custom that is to say clothed in a christian military uniform and with a christian cane in his hand but deposited in the grave in a sitting posture formally a horse had always been buried with a chief the substitution of the cane shows that black hawks haughty nature was really humbled and he expected to walk when he got over we noticed that above debuque the water of the mississippi was olive green rich and beautiful and semi-transparent with the sun on it of course the water was nowhere as clear or of as fine a complexion as it is in some other seasons of the year for now it was at flood stage and therefore dimmed and blurred by the mud manufactured from caving banks and the justed bluffs that overlook the river along through this region charm one with the grace and variety of their forms and the soft beauty of their adornment the steep verdant slope whose base is at the water's edge is topped by a lofty ramp part of broken turreted rocks which are exquisitely rich and mellow in color namely dark browns and dull dreams but splashed with other tints and then you have a shining river winding here and there and yonder its sweep interrupted at intervals by clusters of wooded islands threaded by silver channels and you have glimpses of distant villages asleep upon capes and of stealthy rafts slipping along in a shade of the forest walls and of white steamers vanishing around remote points and it is all as tranquil and reposeful as dreamland and has nothing this worldly about it nothing to hang a fret or worry upon until the unholy train comes tearing along which it presently does ripping the sacred solitude to rags and touters with its devil's war whoop and the roar and thunder of its rushing wheels and straight away you are back in this world and with one of its threats ready to hand for your entertainment for you remember that this is the very road whose stock always goes down after you buy it and always goes up again as soon as you sell it it makes me shudder to this day to remember that i once came near not getting rid of my stock at all it must be an awful thing to have a railroad left on your hands the locomotive is in sight from the deck of the steamboat almost the whole way from st louis to st paul 800 miles these railroads have made havoc with the steamboat commerce the clerk of our boat was a steamboat clerk before these roads were built in that day the influx of population was so great and the freight business so heavy that the boats were not able to keep up with the demands made upon their carrying capacity consequently the captains were very independent and airy pretty bigotty as uncle remus would say the clerk nutshelled the contrast between the former time and the present thus boat used to land captain on hurricane roof mighty stiff and straight iron ramrod for a spine kid gloves plug tile hair parted behind man on shore takes off hat and says got 28 tons of wheat captain be great favor if you can take them captain says i'll take two of them and don't even condescend to look at him but nowadays the captain takes off his old slouch and smiles all the way around to the back of his ears and gets off a bow which he hasn't got any ramrod to interfere with and says glad to see you smith glad to see you you're looking well haven't seen you looking so well for years what you got for us nothing says smith and keeps his hat on just turns his back and goes to talking with somebody else oh yes eight years ago the captain was on top but it's smith's turn now eight years ago a boat used to go up the river with every stateroom full and people piled five and six deep on the cabin floor and a solid deck load of immigrants and harvesters down below into the bargain to get a first-class stateroom he got to prove 16 quarterings of nobility and 400 years of descent or be personally acquainted with the nigger that lacked the captain's boots but it's all changed now plenty staterooms above no harvesters below there's a patent self-binder now and they don't have harvesters anymore they've gone where the wood blind twineth and they didn't go by steamboat either went by train up in this region we met massed acres of lumber rafts coming down but not floating leisurely along in the old-fashioned way manned with joyous and reckless crews of fiddling song singing whiskey drinking breakdown dancing reptallions now the whole thing was shoved swiftly along by a powerful stern wheeler modern fashion and a small cruise were quiet orderly men of a subate business aspect there's not a suggestion of romance about them anywhere along here somewhere on a black knight we ran some exceedingly narrow and intricate island shoots by aid of the electric light behind was solid blackness a crackless bank of it ahead a narrow elbow of water curving between dense walls of foliage that almost touched our bows on both sides and here every individual leaf and every individual ripple stood out in its natural color and flooded with a glare as of noon day intensified the effect was strange and fine and very striking we passed brady sheen another of father marquette's camping places and after some hours of progress through varied and beautiful scenery reached lacrosse here is a town of 12 or 13 000 population with electric lighted streets and with blocks of buildings which are stately enough and also architecturally fine enough to command respect in any city it is a choice town and we made satisfactory use of the hour allowed us in roaming it over though the weather was rainier than necessary end of chapter 58 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by mark twain chapter 59 legends and scenery we added several passengers to our list at lacrosse among others an old gentleman who had come to this northwestern region with the early settlers and was familiar with every part of it pardonably proud of it too he said you'll find scenery between here in st paul that can give the Hudson points you'll have the queen's bluff 700 feet high and just as imposing a spectacle as you can find anywheres and a tremolo island which isn't like any other island in america i believe for it is a gigantic mountain with precipitous sides and is full of indian traditions and used to be full of rattlesnakes if you catch the sun just right there you will have a picture that will stay with you and above Winona you'll have lovely prairies and then come the thousand islands too beautiful for anything green why you never saw foliage so green nor packed so thick it's like a thousand plush cushions afloat on a looking glass when the water's still and then the monstrous bluffs on both sides of the river ragged rugged dark complexed just the frame that's wanted you always want a strong frame you know to throw up the nice points of a delicate picture and make them stand out the old gentleman also told us touching indian legend or two but not very powerful ones after this excursion into history he came back to the scenery described it detail by detail from the thousand islands to st paul naming its names with such facility tripping along his theme with such nimble and confident ease slamming in a three ton word here and there with such a complacent air of tisn't anything i can do at any time i want to and letting off fine surprises of lurid eloquence at such judicious intervals that i presently began to suspect uh but no matter what i began to suspect hear him ten miles above winona we come to fountain the city nestling sweetly at the feet of cliffs that lift their awful fronts jove like toward the blue depths of heaven bathing them in virgin atmospheres that have no no other contact save that of angels wings and next we glide through silver waters amid lovely and stupendous aspects of nature that attune our hearts to adoring admiration about 12 miles and strike mount vernon 600 feet high with romantic ruins of a once first class hotel perched far among the cloud shadows that model its dizzy heights so remnant of once flourishing mount vernon town of early days now desolate and utterly deserted and so we move on asked jimny rock we fly noble shaft of 600 feet then just before landing at miniesca our attention is attracted by a most striking promontory rising over 500 feet the ideal mountain pyramid its conic shape thickly wooded surface girding its sides and its apex like that of a cone cause the spectator to wonder at nature's workings from its dizzy heights superb views of the forest streams bluffs hills and dales below and beyond for miles are brought within its focus what grand or liver scenery can be conceived as we gaze upon this enchanting landscape from the uppermost point of these bluffs upon the valleys below the primeval wildness and awful loneliness of these sublime creations of nature and nature's god excite feelings of unbounded admiration and the recollection of which can never be afaced from the memory as we view them in any direction next we have the lion's head and the lioness's head carved by nature's hand to adorn and dominate the beauty of stream and then and on the river widens and a most charming and magnificent view of the valley before us suddenly bursts upon our vision rugged hills clad with verdant forests from summit to base level prairie lands holding in their laps the beautiful wabashaw city of the healing waters pucin foe of bright's disease and that grandest conception of nature's works incomparable lake pippin these constitute a picture where on the tourist's eye may gaze uncounted hours with rapture unappeased and unappeasable and so we glide along in due time encountering those majestic domes the mighty sugarloaf and the sublime maidens rock which latter romantic superstition has invested with a voice and oft times as the birch canoe glides near a twilight the dusky paddler fancy he hears the soft sweet music of the long departed winona darling of indian song and story then frontenac looms upon our vision delightful resort of jaded summer tourists then progressive redwing and diamond bluff impressive and preponderous in its lone sublimity then pescat and the saint kroy and in on we see bursting upon us the domes and steeples of st paul giant young chief of the north marching with seven leagues dried in the van of progress banner bearer of the highest and newest civilization carving his beneficent way with the tomahawk of commercial enterprise sounding the war wolf of christian culture tearing off the reeking scalp of sloth and superstition to plant there the steam plow and the schoolhouse ever in his front stretch arid lawlessness ignorance crime despair ever in his wake bloom the jail the gallows and the pulpit and ever have you ever traveled with a panorama i have formally served in that capacity my suspicion was confirmed do you still travel with it no she is laid up till the fall season opens i'm helping now to work up the materials for a tourist guide which the saint louis and saint paul pocket company are going to issue the summer for the benefit of travelers who go by that line when you were talking of maidens rock you spoke of the long departed winona darling of indian song and story is she the maiden of the rock and are the two connected by legend yes and a very tragic and painful one perhaps the most celebrated as well as the most pathetic of all the legends of the mississippi we asked him to tell it he dropped out of his conversation of aid and back into his lecture gate without an effort and rolled on as follows a little distance above lake city is a famous point known as maidens rock which is not only a picturesque spot but is full of romantic interest from the event which gave it its name not many years ago this locality was a favorite resort for the sue indians on account of the fine fishing and hunting to be had there and large numbers of them were always to be found in this locality among the families which used to resort here was one belonging to the tribe of wabashaw winona first born was the name of a maiden who had plighted her trust to a lover belonging to the same band but her stern parents had promised her hand to another a famous warrior and insisted on her wedding him the day was fixed by her parents to her great grief she appeared to a seed to the proposal and accompany them to the rock for the purpose of gathering flowers for the feast on reaching the rock winona ran to its summit and standing on its edge upgraded her parents who were below for their cruelty and then singing a death dirge three herself from the precipice and dashed them in pieces on the rock dashed who in pieces her parents yes well it certainly was a tragic business as you say and moreover there is a startling kind of dramatic surprise about it which i was not looking for it is a distinct improvement upon the threadbare form of indian legend there are fifty lovers leaps along the mississippi from whose summit disappointed indian girls have jumped but this is the only jump in the lot that turned out in the right and satisfactory way what became of winona she was a good deal jarred up and jolted but she got herself together and disappeared before the coroner reached the fatal spot and to said she sought and married her true love and wandered with him to some distant climb where she lived happy ever after her gentle spirit mellowed and chastened by the romantic incident which had so early deprived her of the sweet guidance of a mother's love and a father's protecting hand and thrown her all unfriended on the cold charity of a sensorious world i was glad to hear the lecture's description of the scenery for it assisted my appreciation of what i saw of it and enabled me to imagine such of it as we lost by the intrusion of night as the lecturer remarked this whole region is blanketed with indian tales and traditions but i reminded him that people usually merely mentioned this fact doing it in a way to make the body's mouth water and judiciously stopped there why because the impression left was that these tales were full of incident and imagination a pleasant impression which would be promptly dissipated if the tales were told i showed him a lot of this sort of literature which i had been collecting and he confessed that it was poor stuff exceedingly sorry rubbish and i ventured to add that the legends which he had himself told us were of this character with a single exception of the admirable story of wanona he granted these facts it said that if i would hunt up mr schoolcraft's book published near 50 years ago and now doubtless off print i would find some indian inventions in it that were very far from being barren of incident and imagination that the tales in hayawasa were of this sort and they came from schoolcraft's book and that there were others in the same book which mr longfellow could have turned into verse with good effect for instance there was the legend of the undying head he could not tell it for many of the details had grown dim in his memory but he would recommend me to find it and enlarge my respect for the indian imagination he said that this tale and most of the others in the book were current among the indians along this part of the mississippi when he first came here and that the contributors to schoolcraft's book had got them directly from indian lips and had written them down with strict exactness and without embellishments of their own i have found the book the lecturer was right there are several legends in it which confirm what he said i will offer two of them the undying head and pebon and siguan an allegory of the seasons the latter is used in hayawasa but it is worth reading in the original form if only that one may see how effective a genuine poem can be without the helps and graces of poetic measure and rhythm pebon and siguan an old man was sitting alone in his lodge by the side of a frozen stream it was the close of winter and his fire was almost out he appeared very old and very desolate his locks were white with age and he trembled in every joint day after day passed in solitude and he heard nothing but the sound of the tempest sweeping before it the new fallen snow one day as his fire was just dying a handsome young man approached and entered his dwelling his cheeks were red with the blood of youth his eyes sparkled with animation and a smile played upon his lips he walked with a light and quick step his forehead was bound with a wreath of sweet grass in place of a warrior's frontlet and he carried a bunch of flowers in his hand ah my son said the old man i am happy to see you come in come and tell me of your adventures and what strange lands you have been to see let us pass the night together i will tell you of my prowess and exploits and what i can perform you shall do the same and we will amuse ourselves he then drew from his sack a curiously wrought antique pipe and having filled it with tobacco rendered mild by a mixture of certain leaves handed it to his guest when this ceremony was concluded they began to speak i blow my breath said the old man and the stream stands still the water becomes stiff and hard as clear as stone i breathe said the young man and flowers spring up over the plane i shake my locks retorted the old man and snow covers the land the leaves fall from the trees at my command and my breath blows them away the birds get up from the water and fly to a distant land the animals hide themselves from my breath and the very ground becomes as hard as flint i shake my ringlets rejoin the young man and warm showers of soft rain fall upon the earth the plants lift up their heads out of the earth like the eyes of children glistening with delight my voice recalls the birds the warmth of my breath unlocks the streams music fills the groves wherever i walk and all nature rejoices at length the sun began to rise a gentle warmth came over the place the tongue of the old man became silent the robin and blue bird began to sing on top of the lodge the stream began to murmur by the door and the fragrance of growing herbs and flowers came softly on the vernal breeze daylight fully revealed to the young man the character of his entertainer when he looked upon him he had the icy visage of pebon footnote winter streams began to flow from his eyes as the sun increased he grew less and less in stature and anon had melted completely away nothing remained on the place of his lodge fire but the miscudied footnote the trailing arbitus a small white flower with a pink quarter which is one of the earliest species of northern plants the undying head is a rather long tail but it makes up in weird conceits fairy tale prodigies variety of incident and energy of movement for what it lacks in brevity footnote c appendix d end of chapter 59 this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org life on the Mississippi by Mark Twain chapter 60 speculations and conclusions we reached st paul at the head of navigation of the Mississippi and there are voyage of 2000 miles from norlands ended it is about a 10 day trip by steamer it can probably be done quicker by rail i judge so because i know that one may go by rail from st louis to Hannibal a distance of at least 120 miles in seven hours this is better than walking unless one is in a hurry the season being far advanced when we were in norlands the roses and magnolia blossoms were falling but here in st paul it was the snow in norlands we had caught an occasional withering breath from over a crater apparently here in st paul we caught a frequent the numbing one from over a glacier apparently but i wander from my theme st paul is a wonderful town it is put together in solid blocks of honest brick and stone and has the air of intending to stay its post office was established 36 years ago and by and by when the postmaster received a letter he carried it to washington horseback to inquire what was to be done with it such as the legend two frame houses were built that year and several persons were added to the population a recent number of the leading st paul paper the pioneer press gives some statistics which furnace of vivid contrast to that old state of things to it population autumn of the present year 1882 71,000 number of letters handled first half of the year 1,209,387 number of houses built during three quarters of the year 989 the cost 3,186,000 the increase of letters over the corresponding six months of last year was 50 percent last year the new buildings added to the city cost above four million five hundred thousand dollars st paul's strength lies in her commerce i mean his commerce he is a manufacturing city of course all the cities of that region are but he is particularly strong in the matter of commerce last year his jobbing trade amounted to upwards of 52 million dollars he has a custom house and is building a costly capital to replace the one recently burned for he is the capital of the state he has churches without end and not the cheap poor kind but the kind that the rich protestant puts up the kind that the poor irish hired girl delights to erect what a passion for building majestic churches the irish hired girl has it is a fine thing for our architecture but too often we enjoy her stately feigns without giving her a grateful thought in fact instead of reflecting that every brick and every stone in this beautiful edifice represents an ache or a pain and a handful of sweat and hours of heavy contributed by the back and forehead and bones of poverty it is our habit to forget these things entirely and merely glorify the mighty temple itself without vouchsafing one praiseful thought to its humble builder whose rich heart and wizard purse it symbolizes this is a land of libraries and schools st paul has three public libraries and they contain in the agribit some 40 000 books he has 116 schoolhouses and pays out more than 70 000 a year in teacher salaries there is an unusually fine railway station so large is it in fact that it seems somewhat overdone in the matter of size at first but at the end of a few months it was perceived that the mistake was distinctly the other way the air is to be corrupted the town stands on high ground it is about 700 feet above the sea level it is so high that a wide view of river and lowland is offered from the streets it is a very wonderful town indeed and is not finished yet all the streets are obstructed with building material and this is being compacted into houses as fast as possible to make room for more for other people are anxious to build as soon as they can get the use of the streets to pile up their bricks and stuff in how solemn and beautiful is the thought that the earliest pioneer of civilization the van leader of civilization is never the steamboat never the railroad never the newspaper never the saddest day school never the missionary but always whiskey such is the case look history over you will see the missionary comes after the whiskey i mean he arrives after the whiskey has arrived next comes the poor immigrant with axe and hoe and rifle next the trader next the miscellaneous rush next the gambler the desperado the highwayman and all their kindred and sin of both sexes and next the smart chap who has brought up an old grant that covers all the land this brings the lawyer tribe the vigilance committee brings the undertaker all these interests bring the newspaper the newspaper starts a politics and railroad all hands turn to and build a church and a jail and behold civilization is established forever in the land but whiskey you see was the van leader in this beneficent work it always is it was like a foreigner and excusable in a foreigner to be ignorant of this great truth and wander off into astronomy to borrow a symbol but if he had been conversant with the facts he would have said westward the jug of empire takes its way this great van leader arrived upon the ground which saint paul now occupies in june 1837 yes at that date pierre pylon a Canadian built the first cabin unporked his jug and began to sell whiskey to the indians the result is before us all that i have said of the newness briskness swift progress wealth intelligence fine and substantial architecture and general slash and go and energy of saint paul will apply to his near neighbor minneapolis with the addition that the latter is the bigger of the two cities these extraordinary towns were 10 miles apart a few months ago that were growing so fast that they may possibly be joined now and getting along under a single mayor at any rate within five years from now there will be at least such a substantial ligament of buildings stretching between them and uniting them that the stranger will not be able to tell where the one siamese twin leaves off and the other begins combined they will then number a population of 250 000 if they continue to grow as they are now growing thus this center of population at the head of mississippi navigation will then begin a rivalry as to numbers with that center of population at the foot of it norleans minneapolis is situated at the falls of saint anthony which stretch across the river 1500 feet and have a fall of 82 feet a water power which by art has been made of inestimable value business wise though somewhat to the damage of the falls as a spectacle or as a background against which to get your photograph taken 30 flowering mills turn out two million barrels of the very choices to flower every year 20 saw mills produce 200 million feet of lumber annually then there are willing mills cotton mills paper and oil mills and sash nail furniture barrel and other factories without numbers so to speak the great flowering mills here and at st paul use the new process and mash the wheat by rolling instead of grinding it 16 railroads meet in minneapolis and 65 passenger trains arrive and depart daily in this place as in st paul journalism thrives here there are three great dailies 10 weeklies and three monthlies there is a university with 400 students and better still its good efforts are not confined to enlightening the one sex there are 16 public schools with buildings which cost 500 000 there are 6 000 pupils and 128 teachers there are also 70 churches existing and a lot more projected the banks aggregate a capital of three million dollars and the wholesale jobbing trade of the town amounts to 50 million dollars a year near st paul and minneapolis are several points of interest fort snelling a fortress occupying a river bluff 100 feet high the falls of mini ha ha white dare lake and so forth the beautiful falls of mini ha ha are sufficiently celebrated they do not need a lift for me in that direction the white bear lake is less known it is a lovely sheet of water and is being utilized as a summer resort by the wealth and fashion of the state it has its clubhouse and its hotel with the modern improvements and conveniences it finds summer residences and plenty of fishing hunting and pleasant drives there are a dozen minor summer resorts around about st paul and minneapolis but the white bear lake is the resort connected with white bear lake is a most idiotic indian legend i would resist the temptation to print it here if i could but the task is beyond my strength the guidebook names the preserver of the legend and compliments his facile pan without further comment or delay then let us turn the said facile pen loose upon the reader a legend of white bear lake every spring for perhaps a century or as long as there has been a nation of red men an island in the middle of white bear lake has been visited by a band of indians for the purpose of making maple sugar tradition says that many springs ago while upon this island a young warrior loved and wooed the daughter of his chief and it is said also the maiden loved the warrior he had again and again been refused her hand by her parents the old chief alleging that he was no brave and his old consort called him a woman the sun had again set upon the sugar bush and the bright moon rose high in the bright blue heavens when the young warrior took down his flute and went out alone once more to sing the story of his love the mild breeze gently moved the two gay feathers in his headdress and as he mounted on the trunk of a leaning tree the damp snow fell from his feet heavily but he raised his flute to his lips his blanket slipped from his well-formed shoulders and lay partly on the snow beneath he began his weird wild love song but soon felt that he was cold and as he reached back for his blanket some unseen hand laid it gently on his shoulders it was the hand of his love his guardian angel she took her place beside him and for the present thing a happy for the indian has a heart to love and in this pride he is as noble as in his own freedom which makes him the child of the forest as the legend runs a large white bear thinking perhaps that polar snows and dismal winter weather extended everywhere took up his journey southward he at length approached the northern shore of the lake which now bears his name walked down the bank and made his way noiselessly through the deep heavy snow toward the island it was the same spring ensuing that the lovers met they had left their first retreat and were now seated among the branches of the large elm which hung far over the lake the same tree is still standing and excites universal curiosity and interest for fear of being detected they talked almost in a whisper and now that they might get back to camp in good time and thereby avoid suspicion they were just rising to return when the maiden uttered a shriek which was heard at the camp and bounding toward the unbrave she caught his blanket but missed the direction of her foot and fell bearing the blanket with her into the great arms of the ferocious monster instantly every man woman and child of the band were up on the bank but all unarmed cries and wailings went up from every mouth what was to be done in the meantime this white and savage beast held the breathless maiden in his huge grasp and fondled with his precious prey as if he were used to scenes like this one deafening yell from the lover warrior is heard above the cries of hundreds of his tribe and dashing away to his wigwam he grasps his faithful knife returns almost at a single bound to the scene of fear and fate rushes out along the leaning tree to the spot where his treasure fell and springing with a fury of a mad panther pounced upon his prey the animal turned and with one stroke of his huge paw brought the lovers heart to heart but the next moment the warrior was one plunge of the blade of his knife opened the crimson sluices of death and the dying bear relaxed his hold that night there was no more sleep for the band or the lovers and as the young and the old danced about the carcass of the dead monster the gallant warrior was presented with another plume and ere another moon had set he had the living treasure added to his heart their children for many years played upon the skin of the white bear from which the lake derives its name and the maiden and the brave remembered long the fearful scene and rescue that made them one for kiss me pa and pa go ka could never forget their fearful encounter with the huge monster that came so near to sending them to the happy hunting ground it is a perplexing business first she fell down out of the tree she and the blanket and the bear caught her and fondled her here on the blanket then she fell up into the tree again leaving the blanket meantime the lover goes war whooping home and comes back healed climbs the tree jumps down on the bear the girl jumps down after him apparently for she was up the tree resumes her place in the bear's arms along with the blanket the lover rounds his knife into the bear and saves whom the blanket no nothing of the sort you get yourself all worked up and excited about that blanket and then all of a sudden just when a happy climax seems imminent you are let down flat nothing save but the girl whereas one is not interested in the girl she is not the prominent feature of the legend nevertheless there you are left and there you must remain for if you live a thousand years you will never know who got the blanket a dead man could get out the better legend than this one i don't mean a fresh dead man either i mean a man that's been dead weeks and weeks we struck the home trail now and in a few hours we're in that astonishing chicago a city where they are always rubbing the lamp and fetching up the genii and contriving and achieving new impossibilities it is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with chicago she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them she is always a novelty for she is never the chicago you saw when you passed through the last time the pennsylvania road rushed us to new york without missing schedule time 10 minutes anywhere on the route and there ended one of the most enjoyable 5000 mile journeys i have ever had the good fortune to make end of chapter 60 this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain appendix appendix a from the new orleans times democrat of march 29 1882 voyage of the times democrats relief boat through the inundated regions it was nine o'clock thursday morning when the susie left the mississippi and entered old river or what is now called the mouth of the red ascending on the left a flood was pouring in through and over the levees on the chandler plantation and the most northern point in point coupi parish the water completely covered the place although the levees had given way but a short time before the stock had been gathered in a large flatboat where without food as we passed the animals were huddled together waiting for a boat to tow them off on the right hand side of the river is turnbull's island and on it is a large plantation which formerly was pronounced one of the most fertile in the state the water has hitherto allowed it to go scot-free in usual floods but now broad sheets of water told only where fields were the top of the protecting levy could be seen here and there but nearly all of it was submerged the trees have put on a greener foliage since the water has poured in and the woods look bright and fresh but this pleasant aspect to the eyes neutralized by the interminable waste of water we pass mile after mile and it is nothing but trees standing up to their branches in water a water turkey now and again rises and flies ahead into the long avenue of silence a pirogue sometimes flits from the bushes and crosses the red river on its way out to the mississippi but the sad faced paddlers never turn their heads to look at our boat the puffing of the boat is music in this gloom but affects one most curiously it is not the gloom of deep forests or dark caverns but a peculiar kind of solemn silence and impressive awe that holds one per force to its recognition we pass two negro families on a raft tied up in the willows this morning they were evidently of the well-to-do class as they had a supply of meal and three or four hogs with them their rafts were about 20 feet square and in front of an improvised shelter earth had been placed on which they've built their fire the current running down the acha falaya was very swift the mississippi showing a predilection in that direction which needs only to be seen to enforce the opinion of that river's desperate endeavors to find a short way to the gulf small boats skiffs haroaks etc are in great demand and many have been stolen by heretical negroes who take them where they will bring the greatest price from what was told me by mr cp furgason a planter near red river landing whose place has just gone under there is much suffering in the rear of that place the negroes had given up all thoughts of a crevasse there as the upper levy had stood so long and when it did come they were at its mercy on thursday a number were taken out of trees and off of cabin roofs and brought in many yet remaining one does not appreciate the sight of earth until he has traveled through a flood at sea one does not expect or look for it but here with fluttering leaves shadowy forest aisles housetops barely visible it is expected in fact a graveyard if the mounds were above water would be appreciated the river here is known only because there is an opening in the trees and that is all it is in width from fort adams on the left bank of the mississippi to the bank of rapids parish a distance of about 60 miles a large portion of this was under cultivation particularly along the mississippi and back of the red when red river proper was entered a strong current was running directly across it pursuing the same direction as that of the mississippi after a run of some hours black river was reached hardly was it entered before signs of suffering became visible all the willows along the banks were stripped of their leaves one man whom your correspondence spoke to said that he had had 150 head of cattle and 100 head of hogs at the first appearance of water he had started to drive them to the highlands of a voles 35 miles off but he lost 50 head of the beef cattle and 60 hogs black river is quite picturesque even if its shores are underwater a dense growth of ash oak gum and hickory make the shores almost impenetrable and where one can get a view down some avenue in the trees only the dim outlines of distant trunks can be barely distinguished in the gloom a few miles up this river the depth of water on the banks was fully eight feet and on all sides could be seen still holding against the strong current the tops of cabins here and there one overturned was surrounded by driftwood forming the nucleus of possibly some future island in order to save coal as it was impossible to get that fuel at any point to be touched during the expedition a lookout was kept for a woodpile on rounding a point of parole skillfully paddled by a youth shot out and in its bow was a girl a 15 a fair face beautiful black eyes and demure manners the boy asked for a paper which was thrown to him and the couple pushed their tiny craft out into the swell of the boat presently a little girl not certainly over 12 years handled out in the smallest little canoe and handled it with all the deafness of an old voyageur the little one looked more like an indian than a white girl and laughed when asked if she were afraid she had been raised in a parogue and could go anywhere she was bound out to pick willow leaves for the stock and she pointed to a house nearby with water three inches deep on the floors at its back door was moored a raft about 30 feet square with a sort of fence built upon it and inside of this some 16 cows and 20 hogs were standing the family did not complain except on account of losing their stock and promptly brought a supply of wood in a flat from this point to the mississippi river 15 miles there's not a spot of earth above water and to the westward for 35 miles there's nothing but the river's flood black river had risen during thursday the 23rd 1 3 quarters inches and was going up at night still as we progress up the river habitations become more frequent but are yet still miles apart nearly all of them are deserted and the outhouses floated off to add to the gloom almost every living thing seems to have departed and not a whistle of a bird nor the bark of the squirrel can be heard in this solitude sometimes a morose gar will throw his tail aloft and disappear in the river but beyond this everything is quiet the quiet of dissolution down the river floats now a neatly whitewashed hen house then a cluster of neatly split fence rails or a door and a bloated carcass solemnly guarded by a pair of buzzards the only bird to be seen which feast on the carcass as it bears them along a picture frame in which there was a cheap lithograph of a soldier on horseback as it floated on told of some hearth invaded by the water and a spoiled of this ornament at dark as it was not prudent to run a place alongside the woods was hunted and to a tall gum tree the boat was made fast for the night a pretty quarter of the moon through a pleasant light over forest and river making a picture that would be a delightful piece of landscape study could an artist only hold it down to his canvas the motion of the engines had ceased the puffing of the escaping steam was stilled and the enveloping silence closed upon us and such silence it was usually in a forest at night one can hear the pipping of frogs the hum of insects or the dropping of limbs but here nature was dumb the dark recesses those aisles into this cathedral gave forth no sound and even the ripplings of the current die away at daylight friday morning all hands were up and up the black we started the morning was a beautiful one and the river which is remarkably straight put on its loveliest garb the blossoms of the hall perfumed the air deliciously and a few birds whistled blithely along the banks the trees were larger and the forest seemed of older growth than below more fields were past than near the mouth the same scene presented itself smoke houses drifting out in the pastures negro quarters anchored in confusion against some oak and the modest residents just showing its eaves above water the sun came up in a glory of carmen and the trees were brilliant in their varied shades of green not a foot of soil is to be seen anywhere and the water is apparently growing deeper and deeper for it reaches up to the branches of the largest trees all along the bordering willows have been denuded of leaves showing how long the people have been at work gathering this fodder for their animals an old man in a paroch was asked how the willow leaves agreed with his cattle he stopped in his work and was an ominous shake of his head replied well sir it's enough to keep warps in their bodies and that's all we expect but it's hard on the hogs particularly the small ones they is dropping off powerful fast but what can you do it's all we've got at 30 miles above the mouth of black river the water extends from natchez on the mississippi across to the pine hills of louisiana a distance of 73 miles and there is hardly a spot that is not 10 feet under it the tendency of the current up the black is toward the west in fact so much is this the case the waters of red river have been driven down from toward the calcasieu country and the waters of the black enter the red some 15 miles above the mouth of the former a thing never before seen by even the oldest steam boatman the water now inside of us is entirely from the mississippi up to trinity or rather troi which is but a short distance below the people have nearly all moved out those remaining have enough for their present personal needs their cattle though are suffering and dying off quite fast as the confinement on rafts and the food they get breeds disease after a short stop we started and soon came to a section where there were many open fields and cabins thickly scattered about here were seen more pictures of distress on the inside of the houses the inmates had built on boxes a scaffold in which they placed the furniture the bed posts were sawed off on top as the ceiling was not more than four feet from the improvised floor the buildings looked very insecure and threatened every moment to float off near the houses were cattle standing breast high in the water perfectly in passive they did not move their places but stood patiently waiting for help to come the site was a distressing one and the poor creatures will be sure to die unless speedily rescued cattle differ from horses in this peculiar quality a horse after finding no relief comes will swim off in search of food whereas a beef will stand in its tracks until with exhaustion it drops in the water and drowns at half past 12 o'clock a hail was given from a flatboat inside the line of the bank rounding to we ran alongside and general york stepped aboard he was just then engaged in getting off stock and welcomed the times democrat boat heartily as he said there was much need for her he said that the distress was not exaggerated in the least people were in a condition it was difficult even for one to imagine the water was so high there was great danger of their houses being swept away it had already risen so high that it was approaching the eaves and when it reaches this point there is always imminent risk of their being swept away if this occurs there will be great loss of life the general spoke of the gallant work of many of the people in their attempts to save their stock but thought that fully 25 percent had perished already 2,500 people had received rations from Troy on Black River and he had towed out a great many cattle but a very great quantity remained and were in dire need the water was now 18 inches higher than in 1874 and there was no land between Vidalia and the hills of Catahoula at 2 o'clock the Susie reached Troy 65 miles above the mouth of the Black River here on the left comes in Little River just beyond that the Wachita and on the right the Tensis these three rivers form the Black River Troy or a portion of it is situated on and around three large Indian mounds circular in shape which rise above the present water about 12 feet they are about 150 feet in diameter and are about 200 yards apart the houses are all built between these mounds and hence are all flooded to a depth of 18 inches on their floors these elevations built by the Aborigines hundreds of years ago are the only points of refuge for miles when we arrived we found them crowded with stock all of which was thin and hardly able to stand up they were mixed together sheep hogs horses mules and cattle one of these mounds has been used for many years as the graveyard and today we saw attenuated cows lying against the marble tombstones chewing their cut in contentment after a meal of corn furnished by general York here as below the remarkable skill of the women and girls in the management of the smaller pirogues was noticed children were paddling about in these most thickly crafts with all the nonchalance of adepts general York has put into operation a perfect system in regard to furnishing relief he makes a personal inspection of the place where it is asked sees what is necessary to be done and then having two boats chartered with flats sends them promptly to the place when the cattle are loaded and towed to the pine hills and uplands of Carahula he has made Troy his headquarters and to this end boats come for their supply of feed for cattle on the opposite side of Little River which branches to the left out of black and between it and the Wachita is situated the town of Trinity which is hourly threatened with destruction it is much lower than Troy and the water is eight and nine feet deep in the houses a strong current sweeps through it and it is remarkable that all of its houses have not gone before the residents of both Troy and Trinity have been cared for yet some of their stock have to be furnished with food as soon as the Susie reached Troy she was turned over to general York and placed at his disposition to carry out the work of relief more rapidly nearly all her supplies were landed on one of the mounds to lighten her and she was headed downstream to relieve those below at Tom Hooper's place a few miles from Troy a large flat with about fifty head of stock on board was taken in tow the animals were fed and soon regained some strength today we go on Little River where the suffering is greatest down Black River Saturday evening March 25th we started down Black River quite early under the direction of general York to bring out what stock could be reached going down River a flat in tow was left in a central locality and from there men pulled her back in the rear of plantations picking up the animals were ever found in the loft of a gin house there were 17 head found and after a gangway was built they were led down into the flat without difficulty taking a skiff with the general your reporter was pulled up to a little house of two rooms in which the water was standing two feet on the floors in one of the large rooms were huddled the horses and cows of the place while in the other the widow Taylor and her son were seated on a scaffold raised on the floor one or two dugouts were drifting about in the room ready to be put in service at any time when the flat was brought up the side of the house was cut away as the only means of getting the animals out and the cattle were driven on board the boat general York in this as in every case inquired as the family desired to leave informing them that major Burke of the Times Democrat has sent the Susie up for that purpose Mrs Taylor said she thanked major Burke but she would try and hold out the remarkable tenacity of the people here to their homes is beyond all comprehension just below at a point 16 miles from Troy information was received at the house of Mr. Tom Ellis was in danger and his family were all in it we steamed there immediately and a sad picture was presented looking out of the half of the window left above water was mrs. Ellis who is in feeble health whilst at the door were her seven children the oldest not 14 years one side of the house was given up to the work animals some 12 head besides hogs in the next room the family lived the water coming within two inches of the bed rail the stove was below water and the cooking was done on a fire on top of it the house threatened to give way at any moment one end of it was sinking and in fact the building looked to mere shell as the boat rounded to mr. Ellis came out in a dugout and general York told him that he had come to his relief that the Times Democrat date was at his service and would remove his family at once to the hills and on Monday a flat would take out his stock as until that time they would be busy notwithstanding the deplorable situation himself and family were in mr. Ellis did not want to leave he said he thought he would wait until Monday and take the risk of his house falling the children around the door looked perfectly contented seeming to care little for the danger they were in these are but two instances of the many after weeks of privation and suffering people still cling to their houses and leave only when there is not room between the water and the feeling to build a scaffold on which to stand it seemed to be incomprehensible yet the love for the old place was stronger than that for safety after leaving the Ellis place the next spot touched at was the Oswald place here the flat was towed alongside the gin house where there were 15 heads standing in the water and yet as they stood on scaffolds their heads were above the top of the entrance it was found impossible to get them out without cutting away a portion of the front and so axes were brought into requisition and adapt made after much labor the horses and mules were securely placed on the flat at each place we stopped there are almost three four or more dugouts arriving bringing information of stock in other places in need notwithstanding the fact that a great many had driven a part of their stock to the hill some time ago there yet remains a large quantity which general york who is working with indomitable energy will get landed in the pine hills by tuesday all along black river the susie has been visited by scores of planters whose tales are the repetition of those already heard of suffering and loss an old planter who has lived on the river since 1844 said there never was such a rise and he was satisfied more than one quarter of the stock has been lost luckily the people cared first for their work stock and when they could find it horses and meals were housed in a place of safety the rise would still continue and it was two inches last night compels them to get them out to the hills hence it is that the work of general york is of such a great value from daylight to late at night he's going this way in that cheering by his kindly words and directing with calm judgment what is to be done one unpleasant story of a certain merchant in norlands is told all along the river it appears for some years past the planters have been dealing with this individual and many of them had balances in his hands when the overflow came they wrote for coffee for meal and in fact for such little necessities as were required no response to these letters came and others were written and yet these old customers with cantations underwater were refused even what was necessary to sustain life it is needless to say he is not popular now on black river the hills spoken of as the place of refuge for the people in stock on black river are in katahoula parish 24 miles from black river after filling the flat with cattle we took on board the family of ts hooper seven in number who could not longer remain in their dwelling and we are now taking them up little river to the hills the flood still rising troi march 27 1882 noon the flood here is rising about three and a half inches every 24 hours and rains have set in which will increase this general york feels now that our efforts ought to be directed towards saving life as the increase of the water has jeopardized many houses we intend to go up the tenses in a few minutes and then we will return and go down black river to take off families there is a lack of steam transportation here to meet the emergency the general has three boats chartered with flats and toe but the demand for these to tow out stock is greater than they can meet with promptness all are working night and day and the susie hardly stops for more than an hour anywhere the rise has placed trinity in a dangerous plight and momentarily it is expected that some of the houses will float off troi is a little higher yet all are in the water reports have come in that a woman and child have been washed away below here and two cabins floated off their occupants are the same who refused to come off day before yesterday one would not believe the utter passiveness of the people as yet no news has been received to the steamer delia which is supposed to be the one sunk in yesterday's storm on lake katahoula she is due here now but has not arrived even the mail here is most uncertain and this i send by skiff to natus to get it to you it is impossible to get accurate data as to past crops etc as those who know much about the matter have gone and those who remain are not well versed in the production of this section general york desires me to say that the amount of rations formerly sent should be duplicated and sent at once it is impossible to make any estimate for the people are fleeing to the hills so rapid as the rise the residents here are in a state of commotion that can only be appreciated when seen and complete demoralization has set in if rations are drawn for any particular section here about they would not be certain to be distributed so everything should be sent to troi as a center and the general will have it properly disposed of he has sent for one hundred pence and if all go to the hills who are in motion now two hundred will be required end of appendix a this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information visit libra vox.org life on the mississippi by mark twain appendix b the mississippi river commission the condition of this rich valley of the lower mississippi immediately after and since the war constituted one of the disastrous effects of war most to be deplored fictitious property in slaves was not only righteously destroyed but very much of the work which had depended upon the slave labor was also destroyed or greatly impaired especially the levy system it might have been expected by those who have not investigated the subject that such important improvements as the construction and maintenance of the levies would have been assumed at once by the several states but what can the state do where the people are under subjection to rates of interest ranging from eighteen to thirty percent and are also under the necessity of pledging their crops in advance even of planting at these rates for the privilege of purchasing all of their supplies at one hundred percent profit it has needed but little attention to make it perfectly obvious that the control of the mississippi river if undertaken at all must be undertaken by the national government and cannot be compassed by states the river must be treated as a unit its control cannot be compassed under a divided or separate system of administration neither are the states especially interested competent to combine among themselves for the necessary operations the work must begin far up the river at least as far as caro if not beyond and must be conducted upon a consistent general plan throughout the course of the river it does not need technical or scientific knowledge to comprehend the elements of the case if one will give a little time and attention to the subject and when a mississippi river commission has been constituted as the existing commission is a thoroughly able men of different walks in life may it not be suggested that their verdict in the case should be accepted as conclusive so far as any a priori theory of construction or control can be considered conclusive it should be remembered that upon this board are general gilmore general comstock and general sutter of the united states engineers professor Henry Mitchell the most competent authority on the question of hydrography of the united states coast survey bb harrod the state engineer of louisiana james b eads whose success with the jetties at norlands is a warrant of his competency and judge taylor of indiana it would be presumption on the part of any single man however skilled to contest the judgment of such a board as this the method of improvement proposed by the commission is at once in accord with the results of engineering experience and with observations of nature where meeting our wants as in nature the growth of trees and their proneness were undermined to fall across the slope and support the bank secures at some points a fair depth of channel and some degree of permanence so in the project of the engineer the use of timber and brush and the encouragement of force growth are the main features it is proposed to reduce the width where excessive by brushwood dykes at first low but raised higher and higher as the mud of the river settles under their shelter and finally slope them back at the angle upon which willows will grow freely in this work there are many details connected with the forms of these shelter dykes their arrangements so as to present a series of settling basins etc a description of which would only complicate the conception through the larger part of the river works of contraction will not be required but nearly all the banks on the concave side of the beds must be held against the wear of the stream and much of the opposite banks defended at critical points the works having in view this conservative object may be generally designated works of revetment and these also will be largely of brushwood woven in continuous carpets or twined into wire netting this veneering process has been successfully employed on the Missouri River and in some cases they have so covered themselves with sediments and have become so overgrown with willows that they may be regarded as permanent in securing these mats rubber stone is to be used in small quantities and in some instances the dressed slope between high and low river will have to be more or less paved with stone anyone who has been on the Rhine will have observed operations not unlike those to which we have just referred and indeed most of the rivers of Europe flowing among their own aloevia have required similar treatment in the interest of navigation and agriculture the levy is the crowning work of bank revetment although not necessarily an immediate connection it may be set back a short distance from the reveted bank but it is in effect the requisite parapet the flood river and the low river cannot be brought into register and compelled to unite in the excavation of a single permanent channel without a complete control of all the stages and even the abnormal rise must be provided against because this would endanger the levy and once enforced behind the works of revetment would tear them also away under the general principle that the local slope of a river is the result and measure of the resistance of its bed it is evident that a narrow and deep stream should have less slope because it has less frictional surface in proportion to capacity i.e. less perimeter in proportion to area of cross section the ultimate effect of levies and revetments confining the floods and bringing all the stages of the river into register is to deepen the channel and let down the slope the first effect of the levies is to raise the surface but this by inducing greater velocity of flow inevitably causes an enlargement of section and if this enlargement is prevented from being made at the expense of the banks the bottom must give way and the form of the waterway be so improved as to admit this flow with less rise the actual experience with levies upon the mississippi river with no attempt to hold banks has been favorable and no one can doubt upon the evidence furnished in the reports of the commission that if the earliest levies had been accompanied by revetment of banks and made complete we should have today a river navigable at low water and an adjacent country safe from inundation of course it would be illogical to conclude that the constrained river can ever lower its flood slope so as to make levies unnecessary but it is believed that by this lateral constraint the river as a conduit may be so improved in form that even those rare floods which result from the coincident rising of many tributaries will find vent without destroying levies of ordinary height that the actual capacity of a channel through alluvium depends upon its service during floods has been often shown that this capacity does not include anomalous but with current floods it is hardly worthwhile to consider the projects for relieving the mississippi river floods by creating new outlets since these sensational propositions have commanded themselves only to unthinking minds and have no support in engineers where the river bed past iron a resort to openings for surplus waters might be a necessity but as the bottom is yielding and as the best form of outlet is a single deep channel as realizing the least ratio of perimeter to area of cross-section there could not well be a more unphilosophical method of treatment than the multiplication of avenues of escape in the foregoing statement the attempt has been made to condense in as limited space as the importance of the subject would merit the general elements of the problem and the general features of the proposed method of improvement which has been adopted by the mississippi river commission the writer cannot help feeling that it is somewhat presumptuous on his part to attempt to present the facts relating to an enterprise which calls for the highest scientific skill but it is a matter which interests every citizen of the united states and is one of the methods of reconstruction which ought to be approved it is a war claim which implies no private game and no compensation except for one of the cases of destruction incident to war which may well be repaired by the people of the whole country edward atkinson boston april 14th 1882 end of appendix b this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libra vox org life on the mississippi by mark twain appendix c reception of captain basal hall's book in the united states having now arrived nearly at the end of our travels i am induced here i conclude again to mention what i consider as one of the most remarkable traits in the national character of the americans namely their exquisite sensitiveness and soreness respecting everything said or written concerning them of this perhaps the most remarkable example i can give is the effect produced on nearly every class of readers by the appearance of captain basal halls travels in north america in fact it was a sort of moral earthquake and the vibration it occasioned through the nerves of the republic from one corner of the union to the other was by no means over when i left the country in july 1831 a couple of years after the shock i was in sincenaty when these volumes came out but it was not till july 1830 that i procured a copy of them one bookseller to whom i applied told me that he had had a few copies before he understood the nature of the work but that after becoming acquainted with it nothing should induce him to sell another other persons of his profession must however have been less scrupulous for the book was read in city town village and hamlet steamboat and stagecoach and a sort of war who was sent forth perfectly unprecedented in my recollection upon any occasion whatever an ardent desire for approbation and a delicate sensitiveness under censure have always i believe been considered as amiable traits of character but the condition into which the appearance of captain halls work through the republic shows plainly that these feelings if carried to excess produce a weakness which amounts to imbecility it was perfectly astonishing to hear men who on other subjects were of some judgment utter their opinions upon this i never heard of any instance in which the common sense generally found in national criticism was so overthrown by passion i do not speak of the want of justice and a fair and liberal interpretation these perhaps were hardly to be expected other nations have been called thin skinned but the citizens of the union have apparently no skins at all they wince if a breeze blows over them unless it be tempered with adulation it was not therefore very surprising that the acute and forcible observations of a traveler they knew would be listened to should be received testily the extraordinary features of the business were first the excess of the rage into which they lashed themselves and secondly the poor reality of the inventions by which they attempted to account for the severity with which they fancied they had been treated not content with declaring that the volumes contained no word of truth from beginning to end which is an assertion i heard made very nearly as often as they were mentioned the whole country set to work to discover the causes why captain hall had visited the united states and why he had published his book i have heard it said with as much precision and gravity as if the statement had been conveyed by an official report the captain hall had been sent out by the british government expressly for the purpose of checking the growing admiration of england for the government of the united states that it was by a commission from the treasury he had come and that it was only in obedience to orders that he had found anything to object to i do not give this as the gossip of the poetry i am persuaded that it is the belief of a very considerable portion of the country so deep is the conviction of the singular people that they cannot be seen without being admired that they will not admit the possibility that anyone should honestly and sincerely find ought to disapprove in them or their country the american reviews are many of them i believe well known in england i need not therefore quote them here but i sometimes wondered that they none of them ever thought of translating obadiah's curse into classic american if they had done so on placing he in basil hall between brackets instead of he obadiah it would have saved them a world of trouble i can hardly describe the curiosity with which i sat down at length to peruse these tremendous volumes still less can i do justice to my surprise at their contents to say that i found not one exaggerated statement throughout the work is by no means same enough it is impossible for anyone who knows the country not to see the captain hall earnestly sought out things to admire and commend when he praises it is with evident pleasure when he finds fault it is with evident reluctance and restraint accepting where motives purely patriotic urge him to state roundly what it is for the benefit of his country should be known in fact captain hall saw the country to the greatest possible advantage furnished of course with letters of introduction to the most distinguished individuals and with the still more influential recommendation of his own reputation he was received in full drawing wing style and state from one end of the union to the other he saw the country in full dress and had little or no opportunity of judging of it unhosled an anointed unannealed with all its imperfections on its head as i and my family too often had captain hall had certainly excellent opportunities of making himself acquainted with the form of the government and the laws and of receiving moreover the best oral commentary upon them in conversation with the most distinguished citizens of these opportunities he made excellent use nothing important met his eye which did not receive that sort of analytical attention which an experienced and philosophical traveler alone can give this has made his volumes highly interesting and valuable but i am deeply persuaded that we're a man of equal penetration to visit the united states with no other means of becoming acquainted with the national character than the ordinary working day intercourse of life he would conceive an infinitely lower idea of the moral atmosphere of the country than captain hall appears to have done and the internal conviction on my mind is strong that if captain hall had not placed a firm restraint on himself he must have given expression to far deeper indignation than any he has uttered against many points in the american character with which he shows from other circumstances that he was well acquainted his rule appears to have been to state just so much of the truth as would leave on the mind of his readers a correct impression at least the cost of paying to the sensitive folks he was writing about he states his own opinions and feelings and leaves it to be inferred that he has good grounds for adopting them but he spares the americans the bitterness which a detail of the circumstances would have produced if anyone chooses to say that some wicked antipathy to 12 millions of strangers is the origin of my opinion i must bear it and were the question one of mere idle speculation i certainly would not court the abuse i must meet for stating it but it is not so the counter which he expresses and evidently feels they mistake for irony or totally distrust his unwillingness to give pain to persons from whom he has received kindness they scornfully reject as affectation and although they must know right well in their own secret hearts how infinitely more they lay at his mercy than he has chosen to betray they pretend even to themselves that he has exaggerated the bad points of their character and institutions whereas the truth is that he has let them off with a degree of tenderness which may be quite suitable for him to exercise however little merited while at the same time he has most industriously magnified their merits whenever he could possibly find anything favorable end of appendix c this is a libre vox recording all libre vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit libre vox dot org life on the mississippi by mark twain appendix d the undying head in a remote part of the north lived a man and his sister who had never seen a human being seldom if ever had the man any cause to go from home for as his wants demanded food he had only to go a little distance from the lodge and there in some particular spot places arrows with their barbs in the ground telling his sister where they had been placed every morning she would go in search and never fail of finding each stuck through the heart of a deer she had then only to drag them into the lodge and prepare their food thus she lived till she attained womanhood when one day her brother whose name was yamo said to her sister the time is at hand when you will be ill listen to my advice if you do not it will probably be the cause of my death take the implements with which we kindle our fires go some distance from our lodge and build a separate fire when you are in want of food i will tell you where to find it you must cook for yourself and i will for myself when you are ill do not attempt to come near the lodge or bring any of the utensils you use be sure always to fasten to your belt the implements you need for you do not know when the time will come as for myself i must do the best i can his sister promised to obey him at all he had said shortly after her brother had caused to go from home she was alone in her lodge combing her hair she had just untied the belt to which the implements were fastened when suddenly the event to which her brother had eluded occurred she ran out of the lodge but in her haste forgot the belt afraid to return she stood for some time thinking finally she decided to enter the lodge and get it for thought she my brother is not at home and i will stay but a moment to catch hold of it she went back running in suddenly she caught hold of it and was coming out when her brother came in sight he knew what was the matter oh he said did i not tell you to take care but now you have killed me she was going on her way but her brother said to her what can you do there now the accident has happened go in and stay where you have always stayed and what will become of you you have killed me he then laid aside his hunting dress and accouterments and soon after both his feet began to turn black so that he could not move still he directed his sister where to place the arrows that she might always have food the inflammation continued to increase and had now reached his first rib and he said sister my end is near you must do as i tell you you see my medicine sack and my war club tied to it it contains all my medicines and my war plumes and my paints of all colors as soon as the inflammation reaches my breast you will take my war club it has a sharp point and you will cut off my head when it is free for my body take it place its neck in the sack which you must open at one end then hang it up in this former place do not forget my bow and arrows one of the last you will take to procure food the remainder tie in my sack and then hang it up so that i can look towards the door now and then i will speak to you but not often his sister again promised to obey in a little time his breast was affected now said he take the club and strike off my head she was afraid but he told her to muster courage strike said he and a smile was on his face mustering all her courage she gave the blow and cut off the head now said the head place me where i told you and fearfully she obeyed it in all its commands retaining its animation it looked around the lodge as usual and it would command its sister to go in such places as it thought would procure for her the flesh of different animals she needed one day the head said the time is not distant when i shall be freed from this situation and i shall have to undergo many sore evils so the superior manito decrees and i must bear all patiently in this situation we must leave the head in a certain part of the country was a village inhabited by a numerous and warlike band of indians in this village was a family of ten young men brothers it was in the spring of the year that the youngest of these blackened his face and fasted his dreams were propitious having ended his fast he went secretly for his brothers at night so that none in the village could overhear or find out the direction they intended to go though their drum was heard yet that was a common occurrence having ended the usual formalities he told how favorable his dreams were and that he had called them together to know if they would accompany him in a war excursion they all answered they would the third brother from the eldest noted for his oddities coming up with his war club when his brother had ceased speaking jumped up yes said he i will go and this will be the way i will treat those i am going to fight and he struck the post in the center of the lodge and gave a yell the other spoke to him saying slow slow wujikuis when you are in other people's lodges so he sat down then in turn they took the drum and sang their songs and closed with the feast the youngest told them not to whisper their intention to their wives but secretly to prepare for their journey they all promised obedience and wujikuis was the first to say so the time for their departure drew near word was given to assemble on a certain night when they would depart immediately wujikuis was loud in his demands for his moccasins several times his wife asked him the reason besides said she you have a good pair on quick quick said he since you must know we are going on a war excursion so be quick he thus revealed the secret that night they met and started the snow was on the ground and they traveled all night thus others should follow them when it was daylight the leader took snow and made a ball of it then tossing it into the air he said it was in this way i saw snow fall in a dream so that i could not be trapped and he told them to keep close to each other for fear of losing themselves as the snow began to fall in very large flakes near as they walked it was with difficulty they could see each other the snow continued falling all that day and the following night so it was impossible to track them they had now walked for several days and wujikuis was always in the rear one day running suddenly forward he gave the saw saw clown footnote war whoop and struck a tree with his war club and it broke into pieces as it struck with lightning brother said he this will be the way i will serve those we are going to fight the leader answered slow slow wujikuis the one i lead you to is not to be thought of so lightly again he fell back and felt to himself what what who can this be he is leading us to he felt fearful and was silent day after day they traveled on till they came to an extensive plane on the borders of which human bones were bleaching in the sun the leader spoke they are the bones of those who have gone before us none has ever yet returned to tell the sad tale of their fate again wujikuis became restless and running forward gave the accustomed yell advancing to a large rock which stood above the ground he struck it and it fell to pieces see brothers said he thus will i treat those whom we are going to fight still still once more said the leader he to whom i am leaving you is not to be compared to the rock wujikuis fell back thoughtful saying to himself i wonder who this can be that he is going to attack and he was afraid still they continued to see the remains of former warriors who had been to the place where they were now going some of whom had retreated as far back as the place where they first saw the bones beyond which no one had ever escaped at last they came to a piece of rising ground from which they plainly distinguished sleeping on a distant mountain a mammoth bear the distance between them was very great but the size of the animal caused him to be plainly seen there said the leader it is he to whom i am leading you here our troubles will commence for he is a mission mokwa and a manito it is he who has that we prize so dearly i.e. wampum to obtain which the warriors whose bones we saw sacrificed their lives you must not be fearful be manly we shall find him asleep then the leader went forward and touched the belt around the animal's neck this said he is what we must get it contains the wampum then they requested the eldest to try and slip the belt over the bear's head who appeared to be fast asleep as he was not in the least disturbed by the attempt to obtain the belt all their efforts were in vain till it came to the one next to the youngest he tried and the belt moved nearly over the monster's head but he could get it no farther then the youngest one and the leader made his attempt and succeeded placing it on the back of the oldest he said now we must run and off they started when one became fatigued with its weight another would relieve him thus they ran till they had passed the bones of all former warriors and were some distance beyond when looking back they saw the monster slowly rising he stood some time before he missed his wampum soon they heard his tremendous howl like distant thunder slowly filling all the sky and then they heard him speak and say who can it be that has dared to steal my wampum earth is not so large but I can find them and he descended from the hill in pursuit as this convulsed the earth shook with every jump he made very soon he approached the party they however kept the belt exchanging it from one to another and encouraging each other but he gained on them fast brothers said the leader has never any one of you when fasting dreamed of some friendly spirit who would aid you as a guardian but dead silence followed well said he fasting I dreamed of being in danger of instant death when I saw a small lodge with smoke curling from its top an old man lived in it and I dreamed he helped me and may it be verified soon he said running forward and giving the peculiar yell and a howl as if the sounds came from the depths of his stomach and what is called check out him getting upon a piece of rising ground behold a lodge with smoke curling from its top appeared this gave them all new strength and they ran forward and entered it the leader spoke to the old man who sat in the lodge saying Nimish all help us we claim your protection for the great bear will kill us sit down and eat my grandchildren said the old man who is a great manateau said he there is none but me but let me look and you open the door of the lodge one low have a little distance before the enraged animal coming on with slow but powerful leaps he closed the door yes said he he is indeed a great manateau a grandchildren you will be the cause of my losing my life you asked my protection and I granted it so now come what may I will protect you when the bear arrives at the door you must run out of the other door of the lodge then putting his hand to the side of the lodge where he sat he brought out a bag which he opened taking out two small black dogs he placed them before him these are the ones I use when I fight said he and he commenced patting with both hands the sides of one of them and he began to swell out so that he soon filled the lodge by his bulk and he had great strong teeth when he attained his full size he growled and from that moment as from instant he jumped out the door and met the bear who in another leap would have reached the lodge a terrible combat ensued the skies rang with the howls of the fierce monsters the remaining dog soon took the field the brothers at the outset took the advice of the old man and escaped through the opposite side of the lodge they had not proceeded far before they heard the dying cry of one of the dogs and soon after of the other well said the leader the old man will share their fate so run he will soon be after us they started with fresh vigor for they had received food from the old man but very soon the bear came in sight and again was fast gaining upon them again the leader asked the brothers if they could do nothing for their safety all were silent the leader running forward did as before I dreamed he cried that being in great trouble an old man helped me who was a manito we shall soon see his lodge taking courage they still went on after going a short distance they saw the lodge of the old manito they entered immediately and claimed his protection telling him a manito was after them the old man sitting beat before them said eat who is a manito there is no manito but me there is none whom I fear and the earth trembled as the monster advanced the old man opened the door and saw him coming he shut it slowly and said yes my grandchildren you have brought trouble upon me appearing his medicine sack he took out his small war clubs of black stone and told the young men to run through the other side of the lodge as he handled the clubs they became very large and the old man stepped out just as the bear reached the door then striking him with one of the clubs it broke in pieces the bear stumbled renewing the attempt with the other war clubs that also was broken but the bear fell fenceless each blow the old man gave him sounded like a clap of thunder and the howls of the bear ran along till they filled the heavens the young men had now run some distance when they looked back they could see that the bear was recovering from the blows first he moved his paws and soon they saw him rise on his feet the old man shared the fate of the first for they now heard his cries as he was torn in pieces again the monster was in pursuit and fast overtaking them not yet discouraged the young man kept on their way but the bear was now so close that the leader once more applied to his brothers that they could do nothing well said he my dreams will soon be exhausted after this I have but one more he advanced invoking his guardian spirit to aid him once said he I dreamed that being sorely pressed I came to a large lake on the shore of which was a canoe partly out of water having ten paddles all in readiness do not fear he cried we shall soon get it and so it was even as he had said coming to the lake they saw the canoe with ten paddles and immediately they embarked scarcely had they reached the center of the lake when they saw the bear arrive at his borders lifting himself on his hind legs he looked all around then he waited into the water then losing his footing he turned back and commenced making the circuit of the lake meantime the party remained stationary in the center to watch his movements he traveled all around till at last he came to the place from whence he started then he commenced drinking up the water they saw the current fast setting in towards his open mouth the leader encouraged them to paddle hard for the opposite shore when only a short distance from land the current had increased so much that they were drawn back by it and all their efforts to reach it were in vain then the leader again spoke telling them to meet their fates manfully now is the time ridiculous said he to show your prowess they courage and sit at the bow of the canoe and when it approaches his mouth try what effect your club will have on his head he obeyed and stood ready to give the blow while the leaders who steered directed the canoe for the open mouth of the monster rapidly advancing they were just about to enter his mouth when magic was struck him a tremendous blow in the head and gave the social clown the bears limbs doubled under him and he fell stunned by the blow but before meticulous could renew it the monster disgorged all the water he had drank with a force which sent the canoe with great velocity to the opposite shore instantly leaving the canoe again they fled and on they went till they were completely exhausted the earth again shook and soon they saw the monster how it after them their spirits drooped and they felt discouraged the leader exerted himself by actions and words to cheer them up and once more he asked them if they thought of nothing or could do nothing for the rescue and as before all were silent then he said this is the last time I can apply to my guardian spirit now if we do not succeed our fates are decided he ran forward invoking his spirit with great earnestness and gave the yell we shall soon arrive said he to his brothers at the place where my last guardian spirit dwells in him I place great confidence do not do not be afraid or your limbs will be fear bound we shall soon reach his lodge run run he cried returning now to yamo he had passed all the time in the same condition we had left him the head directing his sister in order to procure food where to place the magic arrows and speaking at long intervals one day the sister saw the eyes of the head brightened as if with pleasure at last it spoke oh sister said in what a pitiful situation you have been the cause of placing me soon very soon a party of young men will arrive and apply to me for aid but alas how can I give what I would have done with so much pleasure nevertheless take two arrows and place them where you have been in the habit of placing the others and have meat prepared and cooked before they arrive when you hear them coming and calling on my name go out and say alas it is long ago that an accident befell him I was the cause of it if they still come near ask them in and set meat before them and now you must follow my direction when the bear is near go out and meet him you will take my medicine sack bows and arrows and my head you must then untie the sack and spread out before you my paints of all colors my war eagle feathers my tufts of dried hair and whatever else it contains as the bear approaches you will take all these articles one by one and say to him this is my deceased brother's paint and so on with all the other articles throwing each of them as far as you can the virtues contained in them will cause him to totter and to complete his destruction he will take my head and that too you will cast as far off as you can crying aloud see this is my deceased brother's head he will then fall senseless by this time the young men will have eaten and you will call them to your assistance you must then cut the carcass into pieces yes into small pieces and scatter them to the four winds or unless you do this he will again revive she promised that all should be done as he said she had only time to prepare the meat when the voice of the leader was heard calling upon the the woman went out and said as her brother had directed but the war party being closely pursued came up to the lodge she invited them in and placed the meat before them while they were eating they heard the bear approaching untying the medicine sack and taking the head she had all in readiness for his approach when he came up she did as she had been told and before she had expended the paints and feathers the bear began to totter but still advancing came close to the woman saying as she was commanded she then took the head and cast it as far from her as she could as it rolled along the ground the blood excited by the feelings of the head in this terrible scene gushed from the nose and mouth the bear tottering soon fell with a tremendous noise then she cried for help and the young men came rushing out having partially regained their strength and spirits Majicuous stepping up gave a yell and struck him with a blow upon the head this he repeated till it seemed like a mass of brains while the others as quick as possible cut him into very small pieces which they then scattered in every direction while thus employed happening to look around where they had thrown the meat wonderful to behold they saw starting up and turning off in every direction small black bears such as are seen at the present day the country was soon overspread with these black animals and it was from this monster that the present race of bears derived their origin having thus overcome their pursuer they returned to the lodge in the meantime the woman gathering the implements she had used and the head placed them again in the sack but the head did not speak again probably from its great exertion to overcome the monster having spent so much time and traverse so vast a country in their flight the young men gave up the idea of ever returning to their own country and gain being plenty they determined to remain where they now were one day they moved off some distance from the lodge for the purpose of hunting having left the wampum with the woman they were very successful and amuse themselves as all young men do when alone by talking ingesting with each other one of them spoke and said we have all this sport to ourselves let us go and ask our sister if she will not let us bring the head to this place as it is still alive it may be pleased to hear us talk and be in our company in the meantime take food to our sister they went and requested the head she told them to take it and they took it to their hunting grounds and tried to amuse it but only at times did they see its eyes beam with pleasure one day while busy in their encampment they were unexpectedly attacked by unknown Indians the skirmish was long contested and bloody many of their foes were slain but they still were thirty to one the young men fought desperately till they were all killed the attacking party then retreated to a height of ground to muster their men and to count the number of missing and slain one of their young men had stayed away and in endeavouring to overtake them came to the place where the head was hung up seeing that alone retain animation he eyed it for some time with fear and surprise however he took it down and opened the sack and was much pleased to see the beautiful feathers one of which he placed on his head starting off it waved gracefully over him till he reached his party when he threw down the head and sack and told them how he had found it and that the sack was full of paints and feathers they all looked at the head and made sport of it numbers of the young men took the paint and painted themselves and one of the party took the head by the hair and said look you ugly thing and see your paints on the faces of warriors but the feathers were so beautiful that numbers of them also placed them on their heads then again they used all kinds of indignity to the head for which they were in turn repaid by the death of those who had used the feathers then the chief commanded them to throw away all except the head we will see said he when we get home what we can do with it we will try to make it shut its eyes when they reached their homes they took it to the council lodge and hung it up before the fire fastening it with raw hides soaked which would shrink and become tightened by the action of the fire we will then see they said if we cannot make it shut its eyes meantime for several days the sister had been waiting for the young men to bring back the head till at last getting impatient she went in search of it the young men she found lying within short distances of each other dead and covered with wounds various other bodies lay scattered in different directions around them she searched for the head and sack that they were nowhere to be found she raised her voice and wept and blackened her face then she walked in different directions till she came to the place from once the head had been taken then she found the magic bow and arrows where the young men ignorant of their qualities had left them she thought to herself that she would find her brother's head and came to a piece of rising ground and there saw some of his paints and feathers these she carefully put up and hung upon the branch of the tree till her return at dusk she arrived at the first lodge at a very expensive village here she used a charm common among Indians when they wished to meet with a kind reception on applying to the old man and woman of the lodge she was kindly received she made known her errand the old man promised to aid her and told her the head was hung up before the council fire and that the chiefs of the village with their young men kept watch over it continually the former are considered as manateaus she said she only wished to see it and would be satisfied if she could only get to the door of the lodge she knew she had not sufficient power to take it by force how was me said the Indian I will take you there they went and they took their seats near the door the council lodge was filled with warriors amusing themselves with games and constantly keeping up a fire to smoke the head as they said to make dry meat they saw the head move and not knowing what to make of it one spoke and said it is beginning to feel the effects of the smoke the sister looked up from the door and her eyes met those of her brother and tears rolled down the cheeks of the head well said the chief I thought we would make you do something at last look look at it shedding tears said he to those around him and they all laughed and passed the jokes upon it the chief looking around and observing the woman after some time said to the man who came with her who have you got there I have never seen that woman before in our village yes reply the man you have seen her she is a relation at mine and seldom goes out she stays at my lodge and asked me to allow her to come with me to this place in the center of the lodge sought one of those young men who are always forward and fond of boasting and displaying themselves before others why said he I have seen her often and it is to this lodge I go almost every night to court her all the others laughed and continued their games the young man did not know he was telling a lie to the woman's advantage who by that means escaped she returned to the man's lodge and immediately set out for her own country coming to the spot where the bodies of her adopted brothers lay she placed them together their feet towards the east then taking an axe which she had she cast it up into the air crying out brothers get up from under it or it will fall on you this she repeated three times and the third time the brothers all rose and stood on their feet Majekewis commenced rubbing his eyes and stretching himself why said he I have overslept myself no indeed said one of the others do you not know we were all killed and that it is our sister who has brought us to life the young men took the bodies of their enemies and burned them soon after the woman went to procure wives for them in a distant country they knew not where but she returned with ten young women which she gave to the ten young men beginning with the eldest Majekewis stepped to and fro uneasy lest he should not get the one he liked but he was not disappointed for she fell to his lot and they were well not but she was a female magician they then all moved into a very large lodge and their sister told them that the women must now take turns in going to her brother's head every night trying to untie it they all said they would do so with pleasure the eldest made the first attempt and with a rushing noise she fled through the air toward daylight she returned she had been unsuccessful as she succeeded in untying only one of the knots all took their turns regularly and each one succeeded in untying only one knot each time but when the youngest went she commenced the work as soon as she reached the lodge although it had always been occupied still the Indians never could see anyone for ten nights now the smoke had not ascended but filled a lodge and drove them out this last night they were all driven out and the young woman carried off the head the young people and the sister heard the young woman coming high through the air and they heard her saying prepare the body of our brother and as soon as they heard it they went to a small lodge where the black body of Yamole his sister commenced cutting the neck part from which the neck had been severed she cut so deep as to cause it to bleed and the others who were present by rubbing the body and applying medicines expel the blackness in the meantime the one who brought it by cutting the neck of the head caused that also to bleed as soon as she arrived they placed that close to the body and by aid of medicines and various other means succeeded in restoring Yamo to all his former beauty and manliness all rejoiced in the happy termination of their troubles and they had spent some time joyfully together when Yamole said now I will divide the wampum and getting the belt which contained it he commenced with the eldest giving it an equal portions but the youngest got the most splendid and beautiful as the bottom of the belt held the richest and rarest they were told that since they had all once died and were restored to life they were no longer mortal but spirits and they were assigned different stations in the invisible world only Majika was his place was however named he was to direct the west wind hence generally called Kebeyun there to remain forever they were commanded as they had it in their power to do good to the inhabitants of the earth and for getting their sufferings in procuring the wampum to give all things with a liberal hand and they were also commanded that it should also be held by them sacred those grains or shells of the pale hue to be emblematic of peace while those of the darker hue would lead to evil and war the spirits then amid songs and shouts took their flight to their respective abode on high while the Yamal with his sister Yamalquah ascended into the depths below end of appendix d and the end of life on the Mississippi. I'm John Greenman.