 Introduction of Etiquette. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home by Emily Post. Introduction, Manors and Morals by Richard Duffy. Many who scoff at a book of etiquette would be shocked to hear the least expression of levity touching the Ten Commandments. But the commandments do not always prevent such virtuous scoffers from dealings with their neighbor of which no gentleman could be capable and retain his claim to the title. Though it may require ingenuity to reconcile their actions with the Decalogue, the ingenuity is always forthcoming. There is no intention in this remark to intimate that there is any higher rule of life than the Ten Commandments. Only it is illuminating as showing the relationship between manners and morals, which is too often overlooked. The polished gentleman of sentimental fiction has so long served as the type of smooth and conscience-less depravity that her vanity of demeanor inspires distrust in rudermines. On the other hand, the blunt, unpolished hero of melodrama and romantic fiction has lifted brusqueness and pushfulness to a pedestal not wholly merited. Consequently, the kinship between conduct that keeps us within the law and conduct that makes civilized life worthy to be called such deserves to be noted with emphasis. The Chinese sage Confucius could not tolerate the suggestion that virtue is in itself enough without politeness, for he viewed them as inseparable and saw courtesies as coming from the heart, maintaining that when they are practiced with all the heart a moral elevation ensues. People who ridicule etiquette as a mass of trivial and arbitrary conventions, extremely troublesome to those who practice them and insupportable to everybody else, seem to forget the long slow progress of social intercourse in the upward climb of man from the primeval state. Conventions were established from the first to regulate the rights of the individual and the tribe. They were and are the rules of the game of life and must be followed if we would play the game. Ages before man felt the need of indigestion remedies, he ate his food solitary and furtive in some corner, hoping he would not be aspired by any stronger and hungrier fellow. It was a long, long time before the habit of eating in common was acquired, and it is obvious that the practice could not have been taken up with safety until the individuals of the race knew enough about one another and about the food resources to be sure that there was food sufficient for all. When eating in common became the vogue, table manners made their appearance, and they have been waging an uphill struggle ever since. The custom of raising the hat when meeting an acquaintance derives from the old rule that friendly knights in accosting each other should raise the visor for mutual recognition in amity. In the nightly years it must be remembered it was important to know whether one was meeting friend or foe. Meeting a foe meant fighting on the spot. Thus it is evident that the conventions of courtesy not only tend to make the wheels of life run more smoothly, but also act as safeguards in human relationship. Imagine the Paris Peace Conference or any of the later conferences in Europe without the protective armor of diplomatic etiquette. Nevertheless, to some the very word etiquette is an irritant. It implies a great pother about trifles, these conscientious objectors assure us, and trifles are unimportant. Trifles are unimportant, it is true, but then life is made up of trifles. To those who dislike the word it suggests all that is finical and superfluous. It means a garish embroidery on the big scheme of life, a clog on the forward march of a strong and courageous nation. To such as these the words etiquette and politeness can note weakness and timidity. Their notion of a really polite man is a dancing master or a man milliner. They were always willing to admit that the French were the politest nation in Europe and equally ready to assert that the French were the weakest and least valorous until the war opened their eyes in amazement, yet that manners and fighting can go hand in hand appears in the following anecdote. In the midst of the war some French soldiers and some non-French of the Allied forces were receiving their rations in a village back of the lines. The non-French fighters belonged to an army that supplied rations plentifully. They grabbed their allotments and stood about while hastily eating uninterrupted by conversation or other concern. The French soldiers took their very meager portions of food, improvised a kind of table on the top of a flat rock, and having laid out the rations, including the small quantity of wine that formed part of the repast, sat down in comfort and began their meal amid a chatter of talk. One of the non-French soldiers, all of whom had finished their large supply of food before the French had begun eating, asked sardonically, Why do you fellows make such a lot of fuss over the little bit of grub they give you to eat? The Frenchman replied, Well, we are making war for civilization, are we not? Very well, we are, therefore we eat in a civilized way. To the French we owe the word etiquette, and it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning, Keep off the grass. It happened in the reign of Louis XIV when the gardens of Versailles were being laid out that the master gardener, an old Scotsman, was sorely tried because his newly-seated lawns were being continually trampled upon. To keep trespassers off, he put up warning signs, or tickets, etiquette, on which was indicated the path along which to pass. But the courtiers paid no attention to these directions, and so the determined scott complained to the king in such convincing manner that his majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at court to keep within the etiquette. Gradually the term came to cover all the rules for correct demeanor and deportment in court circles, and thus through the centuries it has grown into use to describe the convention sanctioned for the purpose of smoothing personal contacts and developing tact and good manners in social intercourse. With the decline of feudal courts and the rise of empires of industry, much of the ceremony of life was discarded for plain and less formal dealing. Trousers and coats supplanted doublets and hose, and the change in costume was not more extreme than the change in social ideas. The court ceased to be the arbiter of manners, and the aristocracy of the land remained the high exemplar of good breeding. Yet even so courtly and materialistic a mind as Lord Chesterfield's acknowledged a connection between manners and morality, of which latter the courts of Europe seemed so sparing. In one of the famous letters to his son he writes, moral virtues are the foundation of society in general and of friendship in particular, but attentions, manners and graces both adorn and strengthen them. Again, he says, great merit or great failings will make you respected or despised, but trifles, little attentions, mere nothings, either done or reflected will make you either liked or disliked in the general run of the world. For all the wisdom and brilliancy of his worldly knowledge, perhaps no other writer has done so much to bring disrepute on the manners and graces as Lord Chesterfield, and this it is charged because he debased them so heavily by considering them merely as the machinery of a successful career. To the moralists, the fact that the moral standards of society in Lord Chesterfield's day were very different from those of the present era, rather adds to the odium that has become associated with his attitude. His severest critics however do concede that he is candid and outspoken and many admit that his social strategy is widely practiced even in these days. But the aims of the world in which he moved were routed by the onrush of the ideals of democratic equality, fraternity, and liberty. With the prosperity of the newer chivalrous, the old-time notion of aristocracy, gentility, and high-breeding became more and more a curio to be framed suitably in gold and kept in the glass case of an art museum. The crashing advance of the industrial age of gold thrust all courts and their sinuous graces aside for the unmistakable ledger balance of the counting house. The new order of things had been a long time in process when, in the first year of this century, a distinguished English social historian, the late, the right, honorable G.W.E. Russell, wrote, Probably in all ages of history men have liked money, but a hundred years ago they did not talk about it in society. Birth, breeding, rank, accomplishments, eminence in literature, eminence in art, eminence in public service, all these things still count for something in society, but when combined they are only as the dust of the balance when weighed against the all-prevalent power of money. The worship of the golden calf is the characteristic cult of modern society. In the Elizabethan age of mighty glory, 300 years before this was said, Ben Johnson had railed against money as a thin membrane of honor, groaning how hath all true reputation fallen since money began to have any. Now the very fact that the debasing effect of money on the social organism has been so constantly reprehended from scriptural days onward proves the instinctive yearning of mankind for a system of life regulated by good taste, high intelligence, and sound affections. But it remains true that in the succession of great commercial epochs, coincident with the progress of modern science and invention, almost everything can be bought and sold, and so almost everything is rated by the standard of money. Yet this standard is precisely not the ultimate test of the Christianity on which we have been pluming ourselves through the centuries. Still, no one can get along without money, and few of us get along very well with what we have. At least we think so, because everybody else seems to think that way. We Americans are members of the nation which, materially, is the richest, most prosperous, and most promising in the world. This idea is dined into our heads continually by foreign observers, and publicly we own the soft impeachment. Privately, each individual American seems driven with the decision that he must live up to the general conception of the nation as a whole, and he does, but in less strenuous moments he might profitably ponder the counsel of Gladstone to his countrymen. Let us respect the ancient manners and recollect that if the true soul of chivalry has died among us, with it all that is good in society has died. Let us cherish a sober mind, take for granted that in our best performances there are latent many errors which in their own time will come to light. America too has had her ancient manners to remember and respect, but in the rapid assimilation of new peoples into her economic and social organism, more pressing concerns take up nearly all her time. The perfection of manners by intensive cultivation of good taste, some believe, would be the greatest aid possible to the moralists who are alarmed of the decadence of the younger generation. Good taste may not make men or women really virtuous, but it will often save them from what theologians call, occasions of sin. We may note too that grossness in manners forms a large proportion of the offenses that fanatical reformers foam about. Besides grossness there is also the meaner selfishness. Selfishness is that the polar remove from the worldly manners of the old school according to which, as Dr. Pucey wrote, others were preferred to self, pain was given to no one, no one was neglected, deference was shown to the weak and the aged, and unconscious courtesy extended to all inferiors. Such was the beauty of the old manners which he felt consisted in acting upon Christian principle and if in any case it became soulless as apart from Christianity the beautiful form was there into which the real life might re-enter. As a study of all that is admirable in American manners and as a guide to behavior in the simplest as well as the most complex requirements of life day by day, whether we are at home or away from it, there can be no happier choice than the present volume. It is conceived in the belief that etiquette in its broader sense means the technique of human conduct under all circumstances of life. Yet all minutiae of correct manners are included and no detail is too small to be explained from the selection of a visiting card to the mystery of eating corn on the cob. Matters of clothes for men and women are treated with the same fullness of information and accuracy of taste as are questions of the furnishing of their houses and the training of their minds to social intercourse. But there is no exaggeration of the minor details at the expense of the more important spirit of personal conduct and attitude of mind. To dwell on formal trivialities, the author holds, is like measuring the letters of the signboards by the roadside instead of profiting by the directions they offer. She would have us know that it is not the people who make small technical mistakes or even blunders who are barred from the paths of good society, but those of sham and pretense whose veneered vulgarity at every step tramples the flowers in the gardens of cultivation. To her mind, the structure of etiquette is comparable to that of a house of which the foundation is ethics and the rest good taste, correct speech, quiet unassuming behavior and a proper pride of dignity. To such as entertain the mistaken notion that politeness implies all give and little or no return, it is well to recall Coleridge's definition of a gentleman. We feel the gentlemanly character present with us, he said. Whenever, under all circumstances of social intercourse, the trivial, not less than the important, through the whole detail of his manners and deportment and with the ease of a habit, a person shows respect to others in such a way as at the same time implies in his own feelings and habitually an assured anticipation of reciprocal respect from them to himself. In short, the gentlemanly character arises out of the feeling of equality, acting as a habit, yet flexible to the varieties of rank and modified without being disturbed or superseded by them. Definitions of a gentleman are numerous and some of them famous, but we do not find such copiousness for choice in definitions of a lady. Perhaps it has been understood all along that the admirable and just characteristics of a gentleman should, of necessity, be those also of a lady with the charm of womanhood combined and in these days with the added responsibility of the vote. Besides the significance of this volume as an indubitable authority on manners, it should be pointed out that as a social document, it is without precedent in American literature. In order that we may better realize the behavior and environment of well-bred people, the distinguished author has introduced actual persons and places in fictional guise. They are the persons and the places of her own world, and whether we can or cannot penetrate the incognito of the worldlies, the guildings, the kind hearts, the old names, and the others is of no importance. Fictionally, they are real enough for us to be interested and instructed in their way of living that they happen to move in what is known as society is incidental, for as the author declares at the very outset, best society is not a fellowship of the wealthy, nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth, but it is an association of gentlefolk of which good form in speech, charm of manner, knowledge of the social amenities, and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members. The immediate fact is that the characters of this book are thoroughbred Americans, representative of various sections of the country and free from the slightest tinge of snobbery. Not all of them are even well to do in the post-war sense, and their devices of economy and household outlay, dress, and entertainment are a revelation in the science of ways and means. There are parents, children, relatives, and friends all passing before us in the pageant of life from the cradle to the grave. No circumstance, from an introduction to a wedding, is overlooked in this panorama, and the spectator has beside him a cicerone in the person of the author answers every doubt and answers every question. In course the conviction grows upon him that etiquette is no flummery of pezzours aping the manners of their betters, nor a coat of snobs who divide their time between licking the boots of those above them and kicking at those below, but a system of rules of conduct based on respect of self coupled with respect of others. Meanwhile to guard against conceit in his new knowledge he may at odd moments recall his actions, nor stand so much on your gentility which is an airy and mere borrowed thing from dead men's dust and bones and none of yours except you make or hold it. End of Introduction. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home. By Emily Post. Dedication. To you my friends whose identity in these pages is veiled in fictional disguise it is but fitting that I dedicate this book. Chapter 1. What is Best Society? Society is an ambiguous term it may mean much or nothing. Every human being unless dwelling alone in a cave is a member of society of one sort or another and therefore it is well to define what is to be understood by the term best society and why its authority is recognized. Best society abroad is always the oldest aristocracy composed not so much of persons of title which may be new as of those families and communities which have for the longest period of time known highest cultivation. Our own best society is represented by social groups which have had, since this is America, widest rather than longest association with old world cultivation. Cultivation is always the basic attribute of best society much as we hear in this country of an aristocracy of wealth. To the general public a long purse is synonymous with high position a theory dear to the heart of the yellow press and eagerly fostered in the preposterous social functions of screen drama. It is true that best society is comparatively rich it is true that the hostess of great wealth who constantly and lavishly entertains will shine at least to the readers of the press more brilliantly than her less affluent sister yet the latter through her quality of birth her poise her inimitable distinction is often the jewel of deeper water in the social crown of her time the most advertised commodity is not always intrinsically the best but is sometimes merely the product of a company with plenty of money to spend on advertising in the same way money brings certain people before the public sometimes they are persons of quality quite as often the so-called society leaders featured in the public press do not belong to a good society at all in spite of their many published photographs and the energies of their press agents or possibly they do belong to smart society but if too much advertised instead of being the queens they seem they might more accurately be classed as the court gestures of today the imitation and the genuine new york more than any city in the world unless it be Paris loves to be amused thrilled and surprised all at the same time and will accept with outstretched hand anyone who can perform this astounding feat do not underestimate the ability that can achieve it a scintillating wit and arresting originality a talent for entertaining that amounts to genius and gold poured literally like rain are the least requirements puritan america on the other hand demanding as a ticket of admission to her best society the qualifications of birth manners and cultivation clasps her hands tight across her slim trim waist and announces severely that new york's best is in her opinion very bad indeed but this is because puritan america as well as the general public mistakes the gesture for the queen as a matter of fact best society is not at all like a court within a special queen or king nor is it confined to any one place or group but might better be described as an unlimited brotherhood which spreads over the entire surface of the globe the members of which are invariably people of cultivation and worldly knowledge who have not only perfect manners but a perfect manner manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them manner is personality the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life a gentleman for instance will never be ostentatious or overbearing any more than he will ever be servile because these attributes never animate the impulses of a well-bred person a man whose manner suggest the grotesque is invariably a person of imitation rather than of real position etiquette must if it is to be of more than trifling use include ethics as well as manners certainly what one is is a far greater importance than what one appears to be a knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one's decent behavior just as clothing is essential to one's decent appearance and precisely as one wears the latter without being self-conscious of having own shoes and perhaps gloves one who has good manners is equally unselfconscious in the observance of etiquette the precepts of which must be so thoroughly absorbed as to make their observance a matter of instinct rather than of conscious obedience thus best society is not a fellowship of the wealthy nor does it seek to exclude those who are not of exalted birth but it is an association of gentle folk of whom good form and speech charm of manner knowledge of the social amenities and instinctive consideration for the feelings of others are the credentials by which society the world over recognizes its chosen members end of chapter one chapter two of etiquette this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Scott Mather etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily post chapter two introductions the correct form the word present is preferable on formal occasions to the word introduce on informal occasions neither word is expressed though understood as will be shown below the correct formal introduction is Mrs. Jones may I present Mr. Smith or Mr. distinguished may I present Mr. Young the younger person is always presented to the older or more distinguished but a gentleman is always presented to a lady even though he is an old gentleman of great distinction and the lady a mere slip of a girl no lady is ever except of the president of the United States a cardinal or a reigning sovereign presented to a man the correct introduction of either a man or a woman to the president is Mr. President I have the honor to present Mrs. Jones of Chicago to a cardinal is your eminence may I present Mrs. Jones to a king much formality of presenting names on lists is gone through beforehand at the actual presentation an accepted name is repeated from functionary to equity and nothing is said to the king or queen except Mrs. Jones but a foreign ambassador is presented Mr. Ambassador may I present you to Mrs. Jones very few people in polite society are introduced by their formal titles a hostess says Mrs. Jones may I present the Duke of over there or Lord blank never his grace or his lordship the honorable is merely Mr. Lordson or Mr. Hold Office a doctor a judge a bishop are addressed and introduced by their titles the clergy are usually Mr. unless they formally hold the title of doctor or dean or canon a Catholic priest is father Kelly a senator is always introduced as senator whether he is still in office or not but the president of the United States once he is out of office is merely Mr. and not ex-president the prevailing introduction and inflection in the briefer form of introduction commonly used Mrs. worldly Mrs. Norman if the two names are said in the same tone of voice it is not apparent who is introduced to whom but by accentuating the more important person's name it can be made as clear as though the words may I present had been used the more important name is said with a slightly rising inflection the secondary as a mere statement of fact for instance suppose you say are you there and then it is raining use the same inflection exactly and say Mrs. worldly Mrs. younger are you there it is raining Mrs. worldly Mrs. younger the unmarried lady is presented to the married one unless the latter is very much the younger as a matter of fact in introducing two ladies to each other or one gentleman to another no distinction is made Mrs. Smith Mrs. Norman Mr. Brown Mr. Green the inflection is I think it's going to rain Mrs. Smith Mrs. Norman a man is also often introduced Mrs. worldly Mr. Norman but to a very distinguished man the mother would say Mr. Edison my daughter Mary to a young man however she should say Mr. Struthers have you met my daughter if the daughter is married she should have added my daughter Mrs. Smartlington the daughter's name is omitted because it is extremely bad taste except in the south to call her daughter Miss Mary to anyone but a servant on the other hand she should not present a young man to Mary the young man can easily find out her name afterward other permissible forms of introduction are Mrs. Jones do you know Mrs. Norman or Mrs. Jones you know Mrs. Robinson don't you on no account say do you not best society always says don't you or Mrs. Robinson have you met Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Jones do you know my mother or this is my daughter Ellen Mrs. Jones these are all good form whether gentlemen are introduced to ladies ladies to ladies or gentlemen to gentlemen in introducing a gentleman to a lady you may ask Mr. Smith if he has met Mrs. Jones but you must not ask Mrs. Jones if she has met Mr. Smith forms of introductions to avoid do not say Mr. Jones shake hands with Mr. Smith or Mrs. Jones I want to make you acquainted with Mrs. Smith never say make you acquainted with and do not in introducing one person to another call one of them my friend you can say my aunt my sister or my cousin but to pick out a particular person as quote my friend is not only bad style but unless you have only one friend bad manners as it implies Mrs. Smith is my friend and you are a stranger you may very properly say to Mrs. Smith I want you to meet Mrs. Jones but this is not a form of introduction nor is it to be said in Mrs. Jones hearing upon leading Mr. Smith to say Mrs. Jones you say Mrs. Jones may I present Mr. Smith or Mrs. Jones Mr. Smith under no circumstances whatsoever say Mr. Smith meet Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Jones meet Mr. Smith either wording is equally preposterous do not repeat Mrs. Jones Mrs. Smith Mrs. Smith Mrs. Jones to say each name once is quite enough most people of good taste very much dislike being asked their names to say what is your name is always abrupt and unflattering if you want to know with whom you have been talking you can generally find a third person later and ask who was the lady with the gray feather in her hat the next time you see here you can say how do you do Mrs. Smith calling her by name when to shake hands when gentlemen are introduced to each other they always shake hands when a gentleman is introduced to a lady she sometimes puts out her hand especially if he is someone she has long heard about from friends in common but to an entire stranger she generally merely bousers head slightly and says how do you do strictly speaking it is always her place to offer her hand or not as she chooses but if he puts out his hand it is rude on her part to ignore it nothing could be more ill-bred than to treat curtly any overture made in spontaneous friendliness no thoroughbred lady would ever refuse to shake any hand that is honorable not even the hand of a coal heaver at the risk of her fresh white glove those who have been drawn into a conversation do not usually shake hands on parting but there is no fixed rule a lady sometimes shakes hands after talking with a casual stranger at other times she does not offer her hand on parting from one who has been punctiliously presented to her she may find the former sympathetic and the latter very much to the contrary very few rules of etiquette are inelastic and none more so than the acceptance or rejection of the strangers you meet there is a wide distance between rudeness and reserve you can be courteously polite and at the same time extremely aloof to a stranger who does not appeal to you or you can be welcomely friendly to another whom you like on site individual temperament has also to be taken into consideration one person is naturally austere another genial the latter shakes hands far more often than the former as already said it is unforgivably rude to refuse a proffered hand but it is rarely necessary to offer your hand if you prefer not to what to say when introduced best society has only one phrase in acknowledgement of an introduction how do you do it literally accepts no other when Mr. bachelor says kindly may I present Mr. Struthers Mrs. Worldly says how do you do Struthers bows and says nothing to sweetly echo Mr. Struthers with the rising inflection on Thurs is not good form saccharine chirpings should be classed with crooked little fingers high handshaking and other affectations all affectations are bad form persons of position do not say charmed or pleased to meet you etc but often the first remark is the beginning of a conversation for instance young Struthers is presented to Mrs. Worldly she smiles and perhaps says I hear that you are going to be in New York all winter Struthers answers yes I am at the Columbia Law School etc or since he is much better than she he might answer yes Mrs. Worldly especially if his answer would otherwise be a curt yes or no otherwise he does not continue repeating her name taking leave of one you have just met after an introduction when you have talked for some time to a stranger whom you have found agreeable and you then take leave you say goodbye I am very glad to have met you goodbye I hope I shall see you again soon or sometime the other person answers thank you or perhaps adds I hope so too usually thank you is all that is necessary in taking leave of a group of strangers it makes no difference whether you have been introduced to them or merely included in their conversation you bow goodbye to any who happen to be looking at you but you do not attempt to attract the attention of those who are unaware that you are turning away introducing one person to a group this is never done on formal occasions when a great many persons are present at a small luncheon for instance a hostess always introduces her guests to one another let us suppose you are the hostess your position is not necessarily near but it is toward the door Mrs. King is sitting quite close to you Mrs. Lawrence also near Miss Robinson and Miss Brown are much farther away Mrs. Jones enters you go a few steps forward and shake hands with her then stand aside as it were for a second only to see if Mrs. Jones goes to speak to anyone if she apparently knows no one you say Mrs. King do you know Mrs. Jones Mrs. King being close at hand usually but not necessarily rises shakes hands with Mrs. Jones and sits down again if Mrs. King is an elderly lady and Mrs. Jones a young one Mrs. King merely extends her hand and does not rise having said Mrs. Jones once you do not repeat it immediately but turning to the other lady sitting near you you say Mrs. Lawrence then you look across the room and continue Miss Robinson Mrs. Brown Mrs. Jones Mrs. Lawrence if she is young rises and shakes hands with Mrs. Jones and the other two bow but do not rise at a very big luncheon you would introduce Mrs. Jones to Mrs. King and possibly to Mrs. Lawrence so that Mrs. Jones might have someone to talk to but if other guests come in Mrs. Jones finds a place for herself and after a pause falls naturally into conversation with those she is next to without giving her name or asking theirs a friend's roof is supposed to be an introduction to those at shelters in best society this is always recognized if the gathering is intimate such as at a luncheon dinner or house party but it is not accepted at a ball or any general entertainment people always talk to their neighbors at table whether introduced or not it would be a breach of etiquette not to but if Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Norman merely spoke to each other for a few moments in the drawing room it is not necessary that they recognize each other afterwards New York's Bad Manners New York's Bad Manners are often condemned and often very deservedly even though the cause is carelessness rather than intentional indifference the indifference is no less actual and the rudeness inexcusable it is by no means unheard of that after sitting at table next to the guest of honor a New Yorker will meet her the next day with utter unrecognition not because the New Yorker means to cut the stranger or feels the slightest unwillingness to continue the acquaintance but because few New Yorkers possess enthusiasm enough to make an effort to remember all the new faces they come in contact with but allow all those who are not especially fixed in their attention to drift easily out of mind and recognition it is mortifyingly true no one is so ignorantly indifferent to everything outside his or her own personal concern as the socially fashionable New Yorker unless it is the Londoner the late Theodore Roosevelt was a brilliantly shining exception and of course and happily there are other men and women like him in this but there are also enough of the snail and shell variety to give color to the very just resentment that those from other and more gracious cities hold against New Yorkers everywhere else in the world except London most of self-cultivation if not the more generous ones of consideration and hospitality induces people of good breeding to try and make the effort to find out what manner of mind or experience or talent a stranger has and to remember at least out of courtesy anyone for whose benefit a friend of theirs gave a dinner or luncheon to fashionable New York however luncheon was at one thirty at three there is something else occupying the moment that is all nearly all people of the Atlantic coast dislike general introductions and present people to each other as little as possible in the West however people do not feel comfortable in a room full of strangers whether or not to introduce people therefore becomes not merely a question of propriety but of consideration for local custom never introduce unnecessarily the question as to when introduction should be made or not made is one of the most elusive points in the entire range of social knowledge whenever necessary to bridge an awkward situation is a definition that is exact enough but not very helpful or clear the hostess who allows a guest to stand awkward and unknown in the middle of her drawing room is no worse than she who pounces on every chance acquaintance drags unwilling victims into forced recognition of each other everywhere and on all occasions the fundamental rule never to introduce unnecessarily brings up the question which are the necessary occasions first in order of importance is the presentation of everyone to guests of honor whether the guests are distinguished strangers for whom a dinner is given or a bride and groom or a debutante being introduced to society it is the height of rudeness for anyone to go to an entertainment given in honor of someone and fail to meet him even though one's memory is too feeble to remember him afterward introductions at dinner the host must always see that every gentleman either knows or is presented to the lady he is to take into dinner and also if possible to the one who is to sit next to him if the latter introduction is overlooked people sitting next to each other at table nearly always introduce themselves a gentleman says how do you do mrs. jones i am arthur robinson or showing her his place card i have to introduce myself this is my name or the lady says first i am mrs. hunter jones and the man answers how do you do mrs. jones it is not unusual in new york for those placed next to each other to talk without introducing themselves particularly if each can read the name of the other on the place cards other necessary introductions even in new york's most introduction list circles people always introduce a small group of people who are to sit together anywhere partners at dinner the guests at a house party everyone at a small dinner or luncheon the four who are at the same bridge table partners or fellow players in any game at a dance when an invitation has been asked for a stranger the friend who vouched for him should personally present him to the hostess mrs. worldly this is mr. robinson whom you said i might bring the hostess shakes hands and smiles and says i am very glad to see you mr. robinson a guest in a box at the opera always introduces any gentlemen who comes to speak to her to her hostess unless the latter is engrossed in conversation with the visitor of her own or unless other people block the distance between so that an introduction would be forced and awkward a newly arriving visitor in a ladies drawing room is not introduced to another who is taking leave nor is an animated conversation between two persons interrupted to introduce a third nor is anyone ever led around a room and introduced right and left if two ladies or young girls are walking together and they meet a third who stops to speak to one of them the other walks slowly on and does not stand awkwardly by and wait for an introduction if the third is asked by the one she knows to join them the sauntering friend is overtaken and an introduction always made the third, however, must not join them unless invited to do so at a very large dinner people, accepting the gentlemen and ladies who are to sit next to each other at table, are not collectively introduced after dinner men in the smoking room or left at table always talk to their neighbors whether they have been introduced or not and ladies in the drawing room do the same but unless they meet soon again or have found each other so agreeable that they make an effort to continue the acquaintance they become strangers again equally whether they were introduced or not some writers on etiquette speak of quote, correct introductions that carry obligations of future acquaintance and incorrect introductions that seemingly obligate one to nothing degrees of introduction are utterly unknown to best society it makes not the slightest difference so far as anyone's acceptance or rejection of another is concerned how an introduction is worded or on occasions whether an introduction takes place at all fashionable people in very large cities take introductions lightly they are veritable ships that pass in the night they show their red or green signals which are merely polite sentences and pleasant manners and they pass on again when you are introduced to someone for the second time and the first occasion was without interest and long ago there is no reason why you should speak of the former meeting if someone presents you to Mrs. Smith for the second time on the same occasion you smile and say I have already met Mrs. Smith but you say nothing if you met Mrs. Smith long ago and she showed no interest in you at that time most rules are elastic and contract and expand according to circumstances you do not remind Mrs. Smith of having met her before but on meeting again anyone who was brought to your own house or one who showed you in a special courtesy you instinctively say I am so glad to see you again including someone in conversation without an introduction on occasions it happens that in talking to one person you want to include another in your conversation without making an introduction for instance suppose you are talking to a seedsman who joins you in your garden you greet your friend and then include her by saying Mr. Smith is suggesting that I dig up these canas and put in delphiniums whether your friend gives an opinion as to the change in color of your flower better or not she has been made part of your conversation this same maneuver of evading an introduction is also resorted to when you are not sure that an acquaintance will be agreeable to one or both of those introductions unnecessary you must never introduce people to each other in public places unless you are certain beyond a doubt that the introduction will be agreeable to both you cannot commit a greater social blunder than to introduce to a person of position someone she does not care to know especially on shipboard in hotels or in other very small rather public communities where people are so closely thrown together that it is correspondingly difficult to avoid undesirable acquaintances who have been given the wedge of an introduction as said above introductions in very large cities are unimportant in New York where people are meeting new faces daily seldom seeing the same one twice in a year it requires a tenacious memory to recognize those one hoped most to see again and others are blotted out at once people in good society rarely ask to be introduced to each other but if there is a good reason for knowing someone they often introduce themselves for instance Mary Smith says Mrs. Jones aren't you a friend of my mother's I am Mrs. Titterington Smith's daughter Mrs. Jones says why my dear child I am so glad you spoke to me your mother and I have known each other since we were children or an elder lady asks aren't you Mary Smith I have known your mother since she was your age or a young woman says aren't you Mrs. Worldly Mrs. Worldly looking rather freezingly politely says yes and waits and the stranger continues I think my sister Millicent Manners is a friend of yours Mrs. Worldly at once unbends oh yes indeed I am devoted to Millicent and you must be I am Alice oh of course Millicent has often talked of you and of your lovely voice I want very much to hear you sing some time these self introductions however must never presumingly be made it would be in very bad taste for Alice to introduce herself to Mrs. Worldly if her sister knew her only slightly a business visit not an introduction a lady who goes to see another for a servant or to ask her aid in an organization for charity would never consider such a meeting as an introduction even though they talk for an hour nor would she offer to shake hands in leaving on the other hand neighbors who are continually meeting gradually become accustomed to say how do you do when they meet even though they never become acquaintances the retort courteous to one you have forgotten let us suppose someone addresses you and then slightly disconcerted says you don't remember me do you the polite thing unless his manner does not ring true is to say why of course I do and then if a few neutral remarks lead to no enlightening topic and bring no further memory you ask at the first opportunity who it was that addressed you if the person should prove actually to be unknown it is very easy to repel any further advances but nearly always you find it is someone you ought to have known and you are hiding the fact of your forgetfulness leaves you from the rather rude and stupid situation of blankly declaring I don't remember you if after being introduced to you Mr. Jones calls you by a wrong name you let it pass at first but if he persists you may say my name is Simpson not Simkin at a private dance young men nowadays introduce their men friends to young women without first asking the latter's permission because all those invited to a ladies house are supposed to be eligible for presentation to everyone or they would not be there at a public ball young men and women keep very much to their own particular small circle and are not apt to meet outsiders at all under these circumstances a gentleman should be very careful not to introduce a youth whom he knows nothing about to a lady of his acquaintance or at least he should ask her first he can say frankly there's a man called Sliders who was asked to meet you but he seems decent shall I introduce him the lady can say yes or I'd rather not introduction by letter an introduction by letter is far more binding than a casual spoken introduction which commits you to nothing this is explained fully and example letters are given in the chapter on letters a letter of introduction is handed you unsealed always it is correct for you to seal it at once in the presence of its author you thank your friend for having written it and go on your journey if you are a man and your introduction is to a lady you go to her house as soon as you arrive in her city and leave the letter with your card at her door usually you do not ask to see her but if it is between four and six o'clock it is quite correct to do so if you choose presenting yourself with a letter is always a little awkward most people prefer to leave their cards without asking to be received if your letter is to a man you mail it to his house unless the letter is a business one in the latter case you go to his office and send in your card and the letter meanwhile you wait in the reception room until he has read the letter and sends for you to come into his private office if you are a woman you mail your letter of social introduction and do nothing further until you receive an acknowledgement if the recipient of your letter leaves her card on you then leave yours on her but the obligation of a written introduction is such that only illness can excuse her not asking you to her house either formally or informally when a man receives a letter introducing another man he calls the person introduced on the telephone and asks how he may be of service to him if he does not invite the newcomer to his house he may put him up at his club or have him take luncheon or dinner at a restaurant as the circumstances seem to warrant and of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of Etiquette this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recorded by Laurie Ann Walden Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 3 what to say when introduced as explained in the foregoing chapter the correct formal greeting is how do you do if Mrs. Younger is presented to Mrs. Worldly Mrs. Worldly says how do you do if the Ambassador of France is presented to her she says how do you do Mrs. Younger and the Ambassador likewise say how do you do or merely bow there are a few expressions possible in other circumstances and upon other occasions if you have through friends in common long heard of a certain lady or gentleman and you know that she or he also has heard much of you you may say when you are introduced to her I am very glad to meet you or I am delighted to meet you at last do not use the expression please to meet you then or on any occasion and you must not say you are delighted to be sure that she also is delighted to meet you to one who has volunteered to help you in charitable work for instance you would say it is very good of you to help us or to join us in business a gentleman says very glad to meet you or delighted to meet you or if in his own office very glad to see you informal greetings informal greetings are almost as limited as formal but not quite for besides saying how do you do you can say good morning and on occasions how are you or good evening on very informal occasions it is the present fashion to greet an intimate friend with hello this seemingly vulgar salutation is made acceptable by the tone in which it is said to shout hello is vulgar but hello Mary or how do John each spoken in an ordinary tone of voice sound much the same but remember that the hello is spoken not called out and never used except between intimate friends who call each other by the first name there are only two forms of farewell goodbye and good night never say au revoir unless you have been talking French or are speaking to a French person never interlarge your conversation foreign words or phrases when you can possibly translate them into English and the occasions when our mother tongue will not serve are extremely rare very often in place of the overworn how do you do perhaps more often than not people skip the words of actual greeting and plunge instead into conversation why Mary when did you get back or what is the news with you or what have you been doing lately the weather too fills in with equal faithfulness isn't it a heavenly day or hard weather isn't it it would seem that the variability of the weather was purposely devised to furnish mankind with unfailing material for conversation in bidding goodbye to a new acquaintance with whom you have been talking you shake hands and say goodbye I am very glad to have met you to one who has been especially interesting who is somewhat of a personage you say it has been a great pleasure to meet you the other answers thank you in church people do not greet each other in church except at a wedding at weddings people do speak to their friends sitting near them but in a low tone of voice it would be shocking to enter a church and hear a babble of voices ordinarily in church if a friend happens to catch your eye you smile but never actually bow if you go to a church not your own and a stranger offers you a seat in her pew you should on leaving turn to her and say thank you but you do not greet anyone until you are out on the church steps when you naturally speak to your friends hello should not be said on this occasion because it is too familiar for the solemnity of church surroundings shaking hands a gentleman always shake hands when they are introduced to each other ladies rarely do so with gentlemen who are introduced to them but they usually shake hands with other ladies if they are standing near together all people who know each other unless merely passing by shake hands when they meet a gentleman on the street never shakes hands with a lady without first removing his right glove but at the opera or at a ball or if he is usher at a wedding personality of a handshake a handshake often creates a feeling of liking or of irritation between two strangers who does not dislike a boneless hand extended as though it were a spray of seaweed or a miniature boiled pudding it is equally annoying to have one's hand clutched aloft in grotesque affectation and shaken violently sideways as though it were being used to clean a spot out of the atmosphere what woman does not wince at the vise-like grasp that cuts her rings into her flesh and temporarily paralyzes every finger the proper handshake is made briefly but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp and as in bowing one should at the same time look into the countenance of the person whose hand one takes in giving her hand to a foreigner a married woman always relaxes her arm and fingers as it is customary for him to lift her hand to his lips but by a relaxed hand is not meant a wet rag a hand should have life even though it be passive a woman should always allow a man who is only an acquaintance to shake her hand she should never shake his to a very old friend she gives a much firmer clasp but he shakes her hand more than she shakes his younger women usually shake the hand of the older or they both merely clasp hands give them a dropping movement rather than a shake and let go polite greetings from younger to older it is the height of rudeness for young people not to go and shake hands with an older lady of their acquaintance when they meet her away from home if she is a hostess to whose house they have often gone it is not at all necessary for either young women or young men to linger and enter into a conversation unless the older lady detains them she should not do beyond the briefest minute older ladies who are always dragging young men up to unprepossessing partners are studiously avoided and with reason but otherwise it is inexcusable for any youth to fail in this small exaction of polite behavior if a young man is talking with someone when an older lady enters the room he bows formally from where he is as it would be rude to leave a young girl standing alone she went up to speak to Mrs. Worldly or Mrs. Toplofty but a young girl passing near an older lady can easily stop for a moment say, how do you do Mrs. Jones and pass on people do not cross a room to speak to anyone unless to show politeness to an acquaintance who is a stranger there to speak to an intimate friend or to talk to someone about something in particular End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recorded by Laurie Ann Walden Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 4 Salutations of Courtesy When a gentleman takes off his hat and holds it in his hand when a lady enters the elevator in which he is a passenger but he puts it on again in the corridor A public corridor is like the street but an elevator is suggestive of a room and a gentleman does not keep his hat on in the presence of ladies in a house This is the rule in elevators in hotels clubs and departments in office buildings and stores the elevator is considered as public a place as the corridor What is more, the elevators in such business structures are usually so crowded that the only room for a man's hat is on his head but even under these conditions a gentleman can reveal his innate respect for women by not permitting himself to be crowded too near to them When a gentleman stops to speak to a lady of his acquaintance in the street he takes his hat off with his left hand leaving his right free to shake hands or he takes it off with his right and transfers it to his left If he has a stick he puts his stick in his left hand takes off his hat with his right transfers his hat also to his left hand and gives her his right If they walk ahead together he at once puts his hat on but while he is standing in the street talking to her he should remain hatless There is no rudeness greater than for him to stand talking to a lady with his hat on and a cigar or cigarette in his mouth A gentleman always rises when a lady comes into a room In public places men do not jump up for every strange woman who happens to approach but if any woman addresses a remark to him a gentleman at once rises to his feet as he answers her In a restaurant when a lady bows to him a gentleman merely makes the gesture of rising by getting up halfway from his chair and at the same time bowing then he sits down again When a lady goes to a gentleman's office on business he should stand up to receive her, offer her a chair and not sit down until after she is seated When she rises to leave he must get up instantly and stand until she has left the office It is not necessary to add that every American citizen stands with his hat off at the passing of the colors and when the national anthem is played If he didn't some other more loyal citizen would take it off for him Every man should stand with his hat off in the presence of a funeral that passes close or blocks his way A gentleman lifts his hat Lifting the hat is a conventional gesture of politeness shown to strangers only not to be confused with bowing which is a gesture used to acquaintances and friends In lifting his hat a gentleman merely lifts it slightly off his forehead and replaces it He does not smile nor bow or even look at the object of his courtesy No gentleman ever subjects a lady to his scrutiny or his apparent observation If a lady drops her glove a gentleman should pick it up hurry ahead of her on no account nudge her offer the glove to her and say, I think you dropped this The lady replies, thank you The gentleman should then lift his hat and turn away If he passes a lady in a narrow space so that he blocks her way or in any manner obtrudes upon her he lifts his hat as he passes If he gets on a street car and the car gives a lurch just as he is about to be seated and throws him against another passenger he lifts his hat and says excuse me, or I beg your pardon He must not say pardon me He must not take a seat if there are ladies standing But if he is sitting and ladies enter, should they be young he may with perfect propriety keep his seat If a very old woman or a young one carrying a baby enters the car a gentleman rises at once lifts his hat slightly and says, please take my seat He lifts his hat again when she thanks him If the car is very crowded when he wishes to leave it and a lady is directly in his way he asks, may I get through please As she makes room for him to pass he lifts his hat and says thank you If he is in the company of a lady in a street car he lifts his hat to another gentleman who offers her a seat picks up something she has dropped or shows her any civility He lifts his hat if he asks anyone a question and always, if when walking on the street with either a lady or a gentleman his companion bows to another person In other words, a gentleman lifts his hat whenever he says excuse me thank you, or speaks to a stranger or is spoken to by a lady or by an older gentleman and no gentleman ever keeps a pipe, cigar, or cigarette in his mouth when he lifts his hat takes it off, or bows the bow of ceremony the standing bow made by a gentleman when he rises at a dinner to say a few words in response to applause or across a drawing room at a formal dinner when he bows to a lady or an elderly gentleman is usually the outcome of the bow taught little boys at dancing school the instinct of clicking heels together and making a quick bend over from the hips and neck as though the human body had two hinges a big one at the hip and a slight one at the neck and was quite rigid in between remains in a modified form through life the man who as a child came habitually into his mother's drawing room when there was company generally makes a charming bow when grown which is wholly lacking in self-consciousness there is no apparent heel clicking but a camera would show that the motion is there in every form of bow as distinct from merely lifting his hat a gentleman looks at the person he is bowing to in a very formal standing bow his heels come together his knees are rigid and his expression is rather serious the informal bow the informal bow is merely a modification of the above it is easy and unstudied but it should suggest the ease of controlled muscles not the floppiness of a rag doll in bowing on the street a gentleman should never take his hat off with the flourish nor should he sweep it down to his knee nor is it graceful to bow by pulling the hat over the face as though examining the lining the correct bow when wearing a high hat or derby is to lift it by holding the brim directly in front take it off merely high enough to escape the head easily bring it a few inches forward the back somewhat up the front down and put it on again to a very old lady or gentleman to show adequate respect a sweeping bow is sometimes made by a somewhat exaggerated circular motion downward to perhaps the level of the waist so that the hat's position is upside down if a man is wearing a soft hat he takes it by the crown instead of the brim lifts it slightly off his head the bow to a friend is made with a smile to a very intimate friend often with a broad grin that fits exactly with the word hello whereas the formal bow is mentally accompanied by the formal salutation how do you do the bow of a woman of charm the reputation of southern women for having the gift of fascination is perhaps due not to prettiness of feature more than to the brilliancy or sweetness of their ready smile that southern women are charming and feminine and lovable is proverbial how many have noticed that southern women always bow with the grace of a flower bending in the breeze and a smile like sudden sunshine the unlovely woman bows as though her head were on a hinge and her smile sucked through a lemon nothing is so easy for any woman to acquire as a charming bow it is such a short and fleeting duty not a bit of trouble really on your head and spontaneously smile as though you thought why there is Mrs. Smith how glad I am to see her even to a stranger who does her a favour a woman of charm always smiles as she says thank you as a possession for either woman or man a ready smile is more valuable in life than a ready wit the latter may sometimes bring enemies but the former always brings friends when to bow in formal circumstances a lady is supposed to bow to a gentleman first but people who know each other well bow spontaneously without observing this etiquette in meeting the same person many times within an hour or so one does not continue to bow after the second or at most third meeting after that one either looks away or merely smiles unless one has a good memory for people it is always better to bow to someone whose face is familiar than to run the greater risk of ignoring an acquaintance the cut direct for one person to look directly at another and not acknowledge the other's bow is such a breach of civility that only an unforgivable misdemeanor can warrant the rebuke not without the gravest cause may a lady cut a gentleman but there are no circumstances under which a gentleman may cut any woman who even by courtesy can be called a lady on the other hand one must not confuse absent-mindedness or a forgetful memory with an intentional cut anyone who is preoccupied is apt to pass others without being aware of them and without the least want a friendly regard others who have bad memories forget even those by whom they were much attracted this does not excuse the bad memory but it explains the seeming rudeness a cut is very different it is a direct stare of blank refusal and is not only insulting to its victim but embarrassing to every witness happily it is practically unknown in polite society End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of Etiquette This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org This reading by Kara Schellenberg Etiquette in Society in Business in Politics and at Home by Emily Post Chapter 5 On the Street and in Public Walking on the Street A gentleman whether walking with two ladies or one takes the curbside of the pavement he should never sandwich himself between them A young man walking with a young woman should be careful that his manner in no way draws attention to her or to himself too devoted a manner is always conspicuous and so is loud talking under no circumstances should he take her arm or grasp her by or above the elbow and shove her here and there unless of course to save her from being run over he should not walk along the small boy's delight in drawing a stick along a picket fence should be curbed in the nursery and it is scarcely necessary to add that no gentleman walks along the street chewing gum or if he is walking with a lady puffing a cigar or cigarette all people in the streets or anywhere in public should be careful not to talk too loud they should especially avoid pronouncing people's names or remarks that may attract passing attention or give a clue to themselves one should never call out a name in public unless it is absolutely unavoidable a young girl who was separated from her friends in a baseball crowd had the presence of mind to put her hat on her parasol and lifted above the people surrounding her so that her friends might find her do not attract attention to yourself in public with the fundamental rules of good breeding shun conspicuous manners conspicuous clothes a loud voice staring at people knocking into them talking across anyone in a word do not attract attention to yourself do not expose your private affairs feelings or innermost thoughts in public you are knocking down the walls of your house when you do bundles nearly all books on etiquette insist that a gentleman must offer to carry a lady's bundles bundles do not suggest a lady in the first place and as for gentlemen and bundles they don't go together at all very neat packages that could never without injury to their pride be designated as bundles are different such for instance might be a square smoothly wrapped box of cigars, candy or books also a gentleman might carry flowers or a basket of fruit or in fact any package that looks tempting he might even stagger under bags and suitcases or a small trunk but carry a bundle not twice and yet many an unknowing woman sometimes a very young and pretty one too asked a relative, a neighbour or an admirer to carry something suggestive of a pillow done up in crinkled paper and odd lengths of joined string then she wonders afterwards in unenlightened surprise why her cousin or her neighbour or her admirer who is one of the smartest men in town never comes to see her any more a gentleman offers his arm to an old lady or to an invalid a gentleman offers his arm if either of them wants his support otherwise a lady no longer leans upon a gentleman in the daytime unless to cross a very crowded thoroughfare or to be helped over a rough piece of road or under other impeding circumstances in accompanying a lady anywhere at night whether down the steps of a house or from one building to another or when walking a distance a gentleman always offers his arm the reason is that in her thin high heeled slippers and when it is too dark to see her foothold clearly she is likely to trip under any of these circumstances when he proffers his assistance he might say don't you think you had better take my arm you might trip or wouldn't it be easier to come along here the going is pretty bad otherwise the only occasions on which a gentleman offers his arm to a lady are in taking her in at a formal dinner or taking her in to supper at a ball or when he is an usher at a wedding even in walking across a ballroom except at a public ball in the grand march it is the present fashion for the younger generation however arm in arm this however is merely an instance where etiquette and the custom of the moment differ old fashioned gentlemen still offer their arm and it is and long will be in accordance with etiquette to do so but etiquette does not permit a gentleman to take a lady's arm in seeing a lady to her carriage or motor it is quite correct for a gentleman to put his hand under her elbow and in helping her out he should alight first and offer her his hand he should not hold a parasol over her head unless momentarily while she searches in her wrist bag for something or stops perhaps to put on or take off her glove or do anything that occupies both hands with an umbrella the case is different especially in a sudden and driving rain when she is often very busily occupied in trying to hold good clothes out of the wet and a hat on as well she may also under these circumstances take the gentleman's arm if the going is thereby made any easier a lady never on the left the owner always sits on the right hand side of the rear seat of a carriage or a motor that is driven by a coachman or a chauffeur if the vehicle belongs to a lady she should take her own place always unless she relinquishes it to a guest whose rank is above her own such as that of the wife of the president or the governor if a man is the owner he must on the contrary give a lady the right hand seat whether in a private carriage a car or a taxi a lady must never sit on a gentleman's left because according to European etiquette a lady on the left is not a lady although this etiquette is not strictly observed in America no gentleman should risk allowing even a single foreigner to misinterpret a lady's position awkward questions of payment it is becoming much less customary than it used to be for a gentleman to offer to pay a lady's way if in taking a ferry or a subway a young woman stops to buy magazines chocolates or other trifles a young man accompanying her usually offers to pay for them she quite as usually answers don't bother I have it and puts the change on the counter it would be awkward for him to protest and bad taste to press the point but usually in small matters such as a subway fare he pays for two if he invites her to go to a matinee or to tea he naturally buys the tickets and any refreshment which they may have very often it happens that a young woman and a young man are bound for the same house party at a few hours distance from the place where they both live take the same train either by accident or by pre-arrangement in this case the young woman should pay for every item of her journey she should not let her companion pay for her parlor car seat or for her luncheon nor should he, when they arrive at their destination tip the porter for carrying her bag a gentleman who is by chance sitting next to a lady of his acquaintance on a train or boat should never think of offering to pay for her seat or for anything she may buy from the vendor the escort notwithstanding the fact that he is met all dressed in his best store clothes a lady friend leaning on his arm in the pages of counterfeit society novels and unauthoritative books on etiquette there is no such actual person known to good society at least not in New York or any great city as an escort he is not only unknown but he is impossible in good society ladies do not go about under the care of gentlemen it is unheard of for a gentleman to take a young girl alone to a dance or to dine or to parties of any description nor can she accept his sponsorship anywhere whatsoever a well-behaved young girl goes to public dances only when properly chaperoned and to a private dance with her mother or else accompanied by her maid who waits for her the entire evening in the dressing room it is not only improper it is impossible for any man to take a lady to a party of any sort to which she has not been personally invited by the hostess a lady may never be under the protection of a man anywhere a young girl is not even taken about by her betrothed his friends send invitations to her on his account it is true and if possible he accompanies her he must be sent by them to her or she should not go older ladies are often thoughtless and say to a young man bring your fiance to see me his answer should be indeed I'd love to any time you telephone her or I know she'd love to come if you'd ask her if the lady stupidly persists in casually saying do bring her he must smile and say lightly but I can't bring her without an invitation from you or he merely evades the issue and does not bring her the restaurant check everyone has at some time or other been subjected to the awkward moment when the waiter presents the check to the host for a host to count up the items is suggestive of parsimony while not to look at them is disconcertingly reckless and to pay before their faces for what his guests have eaten is embarrassing having the check presented to a hostess when gentlemen are among her guests is more unpleasant therefore to avoid this whole transaction people who have not charge accounts should order the meal ahead and at the same time pay for it in advance including the waiter's tip charge customers should make arrangements to have the check presented to them elsewhere in stores or shops lack of consideration for those who in any capacity serve you is always an evidence of ill-breeding as well as of inexcusable selfishness occasionally a so-called lady who has nothing whatever to do but drive uptown or down in her comfortable limousine vents her irritability upon a saleswoman at a crowded counter in the store because she does not leave other customers and wait immediately upon her then perhaps when the article she asked for is not to be had she complains to the floor walker about the saleswoman's stupidity or having nothing that she can think of to occupy an empty hour on her hands she demands that every sort of material be dragged down from the shelves until discovering that it is at last time for her appointment she yawns and leaves of course on the other hand there is the genuinely lethargic saleswoman whose mind doesn't seem to register a single syllable that you have said to her who with complete indifference to you and your preferences insists on showing what you distinctly say you do not want and who caps the climax by drawing they are wearing it this season does that sort of saleswoman ever succeed in selling anything does anyone living by anything because someone who knows nothing tells another who is often an expert what an indiscriminating they may be doing that kind of a saleswoman would try to tell Chrysler that they are not using violins this season there are always two sides to the case of course and it is a credit to good manners that there is scarcely ever any friction in stores and shops of the first class salesmen and women are usually persons who are both patient and polite and their customers are most often ladies in fact as well as by courtesy between those before and those behind the counters there has sprung up in many instances a relationship of mutual goodwill and friendliness it is in fact only the woman who is afraid that someone may encroach upon her exceedingly insecure dignity who shows neither courtesy nor consideration to any except those whom she considers it to her advantage to please regard for others consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built rule of etiquette the first which hundreds of others merely paraphrase or explain or elaborate is never do anything that is unpleasant to others never take more than your share whether of the road in driving a car of chairs on a boat or seats on a train or food at the table people who picnic along the public highway leaving a clutter of greasy paper and swill not a pretty name but neither is it a pretty object for other people to walk or drive past and to make a breeding place for flies and furnish nourishment for rats choose a disgusting way to repay the landowner for the liberty they took in temporarily occupying his property. this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Scott Mather etiquette in society in business in politics and at home by Emily Post chapter six at the opera the theater and other public gatherings accepting a religious ceremonial there is no occasion where greater dignity is required of ladies and gentlemen both than in occupying a box at the opera for a gentleman especially no other etiquette is so exacting in walking about in the foyer of an opera house a gentleman leaves his coat in the box or in his orchestra chair but he always wears his high hat the collapsible hat is for use in the seats rather than in the boxes but it can be worn perfectly well by a guest in the latter if he hasn't a silk one a gentleman must always be in full dress white coat white waist coat white tie and white gloves whether he is seated in the orchestra or a box he wears white gloves nowhere else except at a ball or when usher at a wedding as people usually dying with their hostess before the opera they arrive together the gentleman assist the ladies to lay off their raps one of the gentleman which ever is nearest draws back the curtain dividing the anti-room from the box and the ladies enter followed by the gentleman closes the curtain again if there are two ladies besides the hostess the latter places her most distinguished or older guest in the corner nearest the stage the seat furthest from the stage is always her own the older guest takes her seat first then the hostess takes her place where upon the third lady goes forward in the center to the front of the box and stands until one of the gentleman places a chair for her between the other two the chairs are arranged in three rows of one on either side with an aisle left between one of the duties of the gentleman is to see that the curtains at the back of the box remain tightly closed as the light from the anti-room shining in the faces of others in the audience across the house is very disagreeable to them a gentleman never sits in the front row of a box even though he is for a time alone in it as to visiting it is the custom for a gentleman who is a guest in the box to pay visits to friends in other boxes during the contracts he must visit none but ladies of his acquaintance and must never enter a box in which he knows only the gentleman and expect to be introduced to the ladies if Arthur Norman for instance wishes to present a gentleman to Mrs. Gilding in her box at the opera he must first ask her if he may bring his friend James Dawson he would on no account speak of him as Mr. Dawson unless he is an elderly person a ladies box at the opera is actually her house and only those who are acceptable as visitors in her house should ask to be admitted but it is quite correct for a gentleman to go into a stranger's box to speak to a lady who is a friend of his just as he would go to see her if she were staying in a stranger's house but he should not go into the box of one he does not know to speak to a lady with whom he has only a slight acquaintance since visits are not paid quite so casually to ladies who are themselves visitors upon a gentleman's entering a box it is obligatory for whoever is sitting behind the lady to whom the arriving gentleman's visit is addressed to relinquish his chair another point of etiquette is that a gentleman must never leave the ladies of his own box alone occasionally it happens that the gentleman in Mrs. Box, for instance, have all relinquished their places to visitors and have themselves gone to Mrs. Worldly's or Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Town's boxes Mrs. Gilding's guests must, from the vantage point of the Worldly Jones or Town boxes keep a watchful eye on their hostess and instantly return to her support when they see her visitors about to leave even though the ladies whom they are momentarily visiting be left to themselves it is of course the duty of the other gentleman who came to the opera with Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Jones or Mrs. Town to hurry to them a gentleman must never stay in any box that he does not belong in after the lowering of the lights for the curtain nor in spite of cartoons to the contrary does good taste permit conversation during the performance or during the overture box holders arriving late or leaving before the final curtain is possible and always without speaking a brilliant opera night a brilliant opera night which one often hears spoken of meaning merely that all the boxes are occupied and that the ladies are more elaborately dressed than usual is generally a night when a leader of fashion such as Mrs. Worldly, Mrs. Gilding or Mrs. Toplofty is giving a ball and most of the holders of the parterre boxes are in ball boxes with an unusual display of jewels or a house will be particularly brilliant if a very great singer is appearing in a new role or if a personage be present as when Marshal Joffrey went to the Metropolitan after the performance one gentleman at least must wait in the carriage lobby until all the ladies in his party have driven away never under any circumstance may the last gentleman leave a lady sitting alone on the sidewalk it is the duty of the hostess to take all unattended ladies home who have not a private conveyance of their own but the obligation does not extend to married couples or odd men but if a married lady or widow has ordered her own car to come for her the odd gentleman waits with her until it appears it is then considerate for her to offer him a lift but it is equally proper for her to thank him for waiting for her to leave off alone at the theater New Yorkers of highest fashion almost never occupy a box at the theater at the opera the world of fashion is to be seen in the parterre boxes not the first tier and in boxes at some of the horse shows and at many public charity balls and entertainments but those in boxes at the theater are usually strangers or outsiders no one can dispute most theater seats are those in the center of the orchestra a box in these days of hatlessness has nothing to recommend it except that the people can sit in a group and gentlemen can go out between the acts easily but these advantages hardly make up for the disadvantages to four or at least three out of the six box occupants who see scarcely a slice of the stage will you dine and go to the play there is no more popular or agreeable way of entertaining people than to ask them to dine and go to the play the majority do not even prefer to have opera substituted for play because those who care for serious music are a minority compared with those who like the theater if a bachelor gives a small theater party he usually takes his guests to dine at the Fitz cherry or some other fashionable and amusing restaurant but a married couple living in their own house are more likely to dine at home unless they belong to a type prevalent in New York which is restaurant mad the gildings in spite of the fact that their own chef is the best there is are much more apt to dine in a restaurant before going to a play or if they don't dine in a restaurant they go to one for supper afterwards but the Normans if they ask people to dine and go to the theater invariably dine at home a theater party can of course be of any size but six or eight is the usual number and the invitations are telephoned will Mr. and Mrs. Lovejoy dine with Mr. and Mrs. Norman at 7.30 on Tuesday and go to the play or will Mr. and Mrs. Oldname dine with Mr. Clubwin Doe on Saturday at the Toit d'Or and go to the play when Mr. and Mrs. Oldname accept with pleasure the second message is given dinner will be at 7.30 Mrs. Norman's guests go to her house Mr. Doe's guests meet him in the foyer of the Toit d'Or but the guests at both dinners are taken to the theater by their host if a dinner is given by a hostess who has no car of her own a guest will sometimes ask don't you want me to have the car come back for us the hostess can either say to an intimate friend why yes, thank you very much or to a more formal acquaintance no, thank you just the same I've ordered taxis or she can accept there is no rule beyond her own feelings in the matter Mr. Doe takes his guests to the theater in taxis the Normans, if only the Lovejoys are dining with them go in Mrs. Norman's little town car 6 or 8 the ladies go in her car and the gentlemen follow in a taxi unless Mrs. Worldly or Mrs. Gilding are in the party and order their cars back tickets bought in advance before inviting anyone to go to a particular play a hostess must be sure that good tickets are to be had she should also try to get seats for a play that is new since it is dull to take people to something they have already seen this is not difficult in cities where new plays come to town every week but in New York where the same ones run for a year or more it is often a choice between an old good one or a new one that is poor if intimate friends are coming a hostess usually asks them what they want to see and tries to get tickets accordingly it is really unnecessary to add that one must never ask people to go to a place of public amusement and then stand in line to get seats at the time of the performance going down the aisle of a theater the host or whichever gentleman has the tickets if there is no host the hostess usually hands them to one of the gentlemen before leaving her house goes down the aisle first and gives the checks to the usher and the others follow in the order in which they are to sit and which the hostess must direct it is necessary that each knows who follows whom particularly if a theater party arrives after the curtain has gone up if the hostess forgets the guests always ask before trooping down the aisle how do you want us to sit for nothing is more awkward and stupid than to block the aisle at the row where their seats are while their hostess sorts them and worse yet inner effort to be polite sends the ladies to their seats first and then lets the gentleman stumble across them to their own places going down the aisle is not a question of precedence but a question of seating the one who is to sit eighth from the aisle whether a lady or a gentleman goes first then the seventh then the sixth and if the gentleman with the checks is fifth he goes in his turn and the fourth follows him if a gentleman and his wife go to the theater alone the question as to who goes down the aisle first depends on where the usher is if the usher takes the checks at the head of the aisle she follows the usher otherwise the gentleman goes first and checks when their places are shown him he stands aside for his wife to take her place first and then he takes his a lady never sits in the aisle seat if she is with a gentleman good manners at the theater in passing across people who are seated always face the stage and press as close to the backs of the seats you are facing as you can remember also not to drag anything across the heads of those sitting in front of you at the moving pictures especially when it is dark and difficult to see a coat on an arm passing behind a chair can literally devastate the hairdressing of a lady occupying it if you are obliged to cross in front of someone who gets up to let you pass say thank you or thank you very much or I'm very sorry do not say pardon me or beg pardon though you can say I beg your pardon that however would be more properly the expression to use if you brushed your coat over their heads or spilled water over them or did something to them for which you should actually beg their pardon but beg pardon which is an abbreviation is one of the phrases never said in best society gentlemen who want to go out after every act should always be sure to get aisle seats there are no greater theater pests than those who come back after the curtain has gone up and temporarily snuff out the view of everyone behind as well as annoy those who are obliged to stand up and let them by between the acts nearly all gentlemen go out and smoke at least once but those wedged in far from the aisle who file out every time the curtain drops are utterly lacking in consideration for others if there are five acts they should at most go out for two entracts and even then be careful to come back before the curtain goes up very inconsiderate to giggle and talk nothing shows less consideration for others than to whisper and rattle programs and giggle and even make audible remarks throughout a performance very young people love to go to the theater in droves called theater parties and absolutely ruin the evening for others who happen to sit in front of them if Mary and Johnny and Susie and Tommy and Giggle why not arrange chairs in rows for them in a drawing room turn on a phonograph as an accompaniment and let them sit there and chatter if those behind you insist on talking it is never good policy to turn around and glare if you are young they pay no attention and if you are older most young people think an angry older person the funniest sight on earth the small boy throws a snowball at an elderly gentleman for no other reason the only thing you can do is to say amably I'm sorry but I can't hear anything while you talk if they still persist you can ask an usher to call the manager the sentimental may as well realize that every word said above a whisper is easily heard by those sitting directly in front and those who tell family or other private affairs might do well to remember this also as a matter of fact comparatively few people are ever anything but well behaved those who arrive late and stand long leisurely removing their raps and who insist on laughing and talking are rarely encountered most people take their seats as quietly and quickly as they possibly can and are quite as much interested in the play and therefore as attentive and quiet as you are a very annoying person at the movies is one who reads every caption out loud after theater close at the evening performance in New York a lady wears a dinner dress a gentleman a dinner coat often called a tuxedo full dress is not correct but those going afterwards to a ball can perfectly well go to the theater first if they do not make themselves conspicuous a lady in a ball dress in many jewels should avoid elaborate hair ornamentation and must keep her wrap or at least sufficiently opaque scarf about her shoulders to avoid attracting people's attention a gentleman in full dress is not conspicuous and on the subject of theater dress it might be tentatively remarked that prinking and making up in public are all part of an age which cannot see fun in a farce without bedroom scenes and actors in pajamas and actresses running about in negligee days with their hair down an audience which night after night watches people dressing and undressing probably gets into an unconscious habit of dressing or prinking itself in other days it was always thought that so much as to adjust a hat pin or glance in a glass was lack of breeding every well brought up young woman was taught that she must finish dressing in her bed chamber but today young women in theaters are continually studying their reflection in little mirrors and patting their hair and powdering their noses and fixing this or adjusting that in a way that in Mrs. Oldname's girlhood would have absolutely barred them from good society nor can Mrs. Worldly or Mrs. Oldname be imagined preening and prinking anywhere they dress as carefully and as beautifully as possible but when they turn away from the mirrors in their dressing rooms or in their glass or take note of their appearance until they dress again and it must be granted that Lucy Gilding, Constance Stiles, Celia Lovejoy Mary Smartlington and other well-bred members of the younger set do not put finishing touches on their faces in public as yet the courtesy of sending tickets early most people are at times obliged to take tickets for various charity arrangements, balls, theatricals concerts or pageants to which, if they do not care to go themselves they give away their tickets those who intend giving tickets should remember that a message can you use two tickets for the Russian ballet tonight? sent at seven o'clock that same evening after the Lovejoys have settled themselves for an evening at home Celia having decided not to curl her hair and Donald having that morning sent his only dinner coat to be refaced cannot give the same pleasure that their earlier offer would have given an opera box sent on the morning of the opera is worse since to find four music-loving people to fill it on such short notice at the height of the season is an undertaking that few care to attempt a big theater party a big theater party is one of the favorite entertainments given for a debutante if fifty or more are to be asked invitations are sometimes engraved Mrs. Toplofty requests the pleasure of name of guest is written on this line company at the theater and a small dance afterward in honor of her great-niece Miss Millicent Gilding on Tuesday the 6th of January at half past eight o'clock rsvp rsvp rsvp rsvp but and usually the general utility invitation is filled in as follows to meet Miss Millicent Gilding Mrs. Toplofty requests the pleasure of Miss Rosalie Gray's company at the theater and at a dance on Tuesday the 6th of January at eight fifteen rsvp or notes in either wording are written in hand all those who accept have a ticket sent them each ticket sent the debutante is accompanied by a visiting card on which it is written be in the lobby of the comedy theater at eight fifteen order your motor to come for you at one oh fifth avenue at one and ply on the evening of the theater party mrs. Toplofty herself stands in the lobby to receive the guests as soon as any who are to sit next each other have arrived, they are sent into the theatre. Each gives her or his ticket to an usher and sits in the place allotted to her or him. It is well for the hostess to have a seat-plan for her own use in case thoughtless young people mix their tickets all up and hand them to an usher in a bunch. And yet, if they do mix themselves to their own satisfaction, she would better leave them than attempt to disturb a plan that may have had more method in it than madness. When the last young girl has arrived, Mrs. Toplofty goes into the theatre herself. She does not bother to wait for any boys. And in this one instance, she very likely sits in a stage box so as to keep her eye on them, and with her she has two or three of her own friends. After the theatre, big motorbuses drive them all either to the house of the hostess, or to a hotel for supper and to dance. If they go to a hotel, a small ballroom must be engaged and the dance is a private one. It would be considered out of place to take a lot of very young people to a public cabaret. Carelessly chaperoned young girls are sometimes, it is true, seen in very questionable places because some of the so-called dancing restaurants are perfectly fit and proper for them to go to. Many other places, however, are not. And for the sake of general appearances, it is safer to make it a rule that no very young girl should go anywhere after the theatre except to a private house or a private dance or ball. Older people, on the other hand, very often go for a supper to one of the cabarets for which New York is famous or infamous, or perhaps go to watch a vaudeville performance at midnight or dance or do both together. Others, if they are among the great majority of quiet people, go home after the theatre, especially if they have dined with their hostess or host before the play. Don't be late. When you are dining before going to the opera or theatre, you must arrive on the stroke of the hour for which you are asked. It is one occasion when it is inexcusable to be late. In accepting an invitation for lunch or dinner after which you are going to a game, or any sort of performance, you must not be late. Nothing is more unfair to others who are keen about whatever it is you are going to see than to make them miss the beginning of a performance through your thoughtless selfishness. For this reason, boxholders who are music lovers do not ask guests who have the late habit to dine before the opera, because experiences taught them they will miss the overture in most of the first act if they do. Those on the other hand who care nothing for music and go to the opera to see people and be seen sell them go until most if not all of the first act is over. But these in turn might give music-loving guests their choice of going alone in time for the overture and waiting for them in the box at the opera or having the pleasure of dining with their hostess but missing most of the first part. At games, the circus, or elsewhere, considerate and polite behaviour by each member of an audience is the same everywhere. At outdoor games or at the circus, it is not necessary to stop talking. In fact, a good deal of noise is not out of the way in rooting at a match, and a circus band does not demand silence in order to appreciate its cheerful blair. One very great annoyance in open-air gatherings is cigar smoke when blown directly in one's face, or worse yet, the smoke from a smoldering cigar. It is almost worthy of a study in air currents to discover why, with plenty of space all around, a tiny column of smoke will make straight for the nostrils of the very one most nauseated by it. The only other annoyance met with at ball games or parades or wherever people occupy seats on the grandstand is when some few in front get excited and insist on standing up. If those in front stand, those behind naturally have to. Generally, people call out down in front. If they won't stay down, then all those behind have to stay up. Also, umbrellas and parasols entirely blot out the view of those behind.