 Hey, Curly, when did you hear what I did? I bought a kangaroo. You what? I'll make a fortune. This guy had two kangaroos and I bought the one that boxes. A box and kangaroo? What's the matter with you, Elliot? You're crazy or something? You can't make no money with no box and kangaroo? Should have bought the one that nits, huh? RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed written by Ray Singer, Dick Chevrolet and Ed James with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Roos and Whitfield, Walter Sharpeny's music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's little aberration is aptly titled, How to Repair a Living Room or, there'll be lots of sand for the concrete mother, I'm coming home with a load. First word from RCA Victor. It costs less than ever to enjoy your favorite music with RCA Victor's new 45 extended play records. These exciting new records bring you twice as much music, up to 15 minutes per record for as little as $1.40. And because the new 45 EPs bring you more music for less money, they make the Victrola 45 phonograph a better buy than ever. RCA Victor's 45 is the simplest, most dependable automatic phonograph ever made. It's all play and no work. You just load up to 14 records, press a button and settle back for up to two hours of your favorite music. Visit your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. Ask him to show you the Victrola 45 automatic phonographs with a famous golden throat tone system and the new Victrola 45 attachment that's budget priced at $16.75. Listen to them all with the economical new 45 extended play records by RCA Victor, cornerstone of home entertainment for three generations. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's morning in the Harris household and Phil, shy, modest and retiring, is singing as he heads for the kitchen. Wait a minute, shy, modest, retiring? Well, that's what it says. I dream of Harris with the light brown hair, voice like an angel, talent he can spare. He's so, oh hi Alice. Oh Phil, I was going to surprise you. You raised my allowance? No, I baked a cake. Oh. You're disappointed. Look honey, I love you, but let's face it. Your cakes would make a great lining for a bulletproof vest. You think they're heavy, huh? Okay, I'll take this one out of the oven and show you. The idea of saying my cakes are heavy, but this one's as light as... Phil. Yeah? Help me lift it out of the oven. Too much to lift alone, huh? No, it isn't either. It's just stuck. I tell you, my cakes are not heavy. Okay, they're not heavy. But how come we got the only stove in town with bow legs? Phil, I think my cake looks beautiful. But honey, it's lopsided. It's higher on one side than the other. Well, that's not the fault of the cake. The floor slopes down. The floor... Oh kid, you've been standing over this stove too long. Well, it does. Ever since you and Ellie had bounced that derrick around the living room, this whole side of the house slopes. Hey, you wouldn't know something you're right. I'd better go outside and have a look. I'll get out there and crawl into the house and examine. Be careful, Phil. You be careful. While I'm under the kitchen floor, don't drop that cake. I'd better go with you. Maybe I can help. Okay, come on. I know there's an opening outside here somewhere. It should be right around... Yeah, yeah, there it is. Let's take the screen off and crawl through. Nah, that ain't gonna work. I can't make it through there. My shoulders are too broad. Maybe you can get through, Alice. I don't think so. Phil, my hips are too... I'll make it. It is a tight squeeze. Hey, wait a minute, honey. I'll grab your feet and give you a little shove. Come on. Just a little more and you'll make it just... Hi, Curly. Oh, hello, Ellie. Where you got your hands? Alice's feet. Why haven't the rest of her? I'm shoving her under the house. I've nagged you too much, huh? Don't be funny. You see, the kitchen floor is sagging and it probably needs a new support. That's why I shoved Alice under the house. I know materials are expensive, but this is ridiculous. Phil, broke one of the beams. You'd better get a contractor right away and have it fixed. Well, don't worry about it. Me and Ellie will figure something out. Hi, Ellie. Hello, Alice. Bye, Ellie. Charming girl. You know, Elliot, I've just been thinking, what's so hard about fixing a broken beam? We don't need no contractors. You know something? I'm going to make a deal with you. You help me and I'll pay you $2 an hour. All right. But you know the union rules. I got to get paid from the time I left home. Okay, okay. When did you leave home? When I was 16. The way I figure that's 18 years of $2 an hour. I would come to, let me see. All right, stop. You'll never make it. Now, wait a minute. All we need is a jack to raise the house and then a new beam and some cement. This could be a cinch. Come on, kid. Let's get this stuff. Hey, Curly. This tough work, jacking the house up like this. It's hot too, even when our shirt's on. Elliot, it ain't even close to level yet. Besides, Alice is in the kitchen and she's going to let us know when it's even. Go ahead, bump it up. Come on. Ooh. Hey, son. This side of the house. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hey, son. This side of the house. You got it too high already. Well, why didn't you come out and tell me? The kitchen door, I slide back into the dining room. Oh, yeah. Now look, we got to let that jack down. But wait a minute. Just ease the jack down so that it don't slip, huh? Easy. All right. That's it. Slow. Slow. I think we just have to... Good morning, Phillip. I think I'll scalp him. One hair at a time. Either one of you fellas see my arm. Look at your bird brain. Look what you did. You made the jack slip and the house settled back again. What are you two doing anyway? We're trying to raise the house so we can put a new foundation under the corner. Oh, well, then it's a good thing I came along. I'm very proficient at this sort of thing. I can set in the cement. Okay, go set it. As soon as you're hard, we'll roll you under the house. Look, Willie, we go away. We're having enough trouble as it is. Oh, fellas, how you doing? Oh, we're doing fine. Thanks to your brother, we got to start all over again. Yeah, look, Curly, you jack up the house. I'll go and mix the cement. Good. What are you going to mix it in? Oh, I don't know. I'll find something around the place. All right, go ahead. Phillip, you're going to require some help. Just wait till I take my shirt off. Okay. All right, Willie, latch onto that jack handle and get the pumpin'. Come on. A little pumpin' up, pumpin' up. Willie, stay on the ground. You're going up with the jack. Hey, Curly, you ready for the cement yet? I'm getting it mixed. Oh, you're getting it mixed, huh? Yeah. What are you mixin' it in? I put it in that cement mixer you got on the service porch. A cement mixer on the circuit? Ellie, that's my washing machine. It is? Oh, well, that'll give us nice, clean cement. Well, where do you manage to get such stupid friends? I got contacts. Don't get excited, honey. It ain't going to hurt the washing machine. But I had my new girdle in there, and now it's mixed in with the cement. Well, honey, I guess your foundation is going to be in the foundation. You know I'm better than to let you two do this job. I'm going in and shut the machine off before it's completely ruined. She seems to be upset about something, Curly. Yeah, she'll get over it. You know something? What's that? I think we ought to get that old beam out first. Suppose I tie this rope around it, then the three of us can yank it out, okay? Okay. All right, wait till I get it knotted. Now, just put a sheep shank on this kid. There. Now, the three of us just throw the rope over our shoulders and pull. All right. One, two, three, heave. Go home, Julius. Can't you see we're busy? How do we look, kid? What's so funny? We were trying to pull the beam out with the rope. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because we're too big to fit under the house. That's why. And where are we going to find somebody stupid? I have an excellent idea. Great. I'll pack your bags. Julius has his truck here. Now, why don't we tie the rope to his rear axle and pull the beam out that way? Julius has a rear axle? I believe he means the truck, Curly. I sort of liked it better the other way. Well, what do you think, Phillip? Well, let's give it a try. What can we lose? Is it okay with you, Julius? No, never mind. I'm gonna tie it on. I'm gonna make sure it's good and tight. Oh, sheep shank this kid, too. Hey, I'll tell you what you do, Julius. You go start the motor. Okay. You get it good and tight now. I'm getting it good and tight. Okay, Julius, let her rip. Wait, where do you suppose Alice in the kitchen are going? You know, my mother told me they'd be days like this. I remember once she said to me, Phillip, she says to me, someday you'll be standing in the driveway and Alice in the kitchen will go by. She said that. And when that happens, she says, listen closely because she'll be standing in the window singing a verse and two choruses of Tosti's Goodbye. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo. Choo-choo train, truck tugging at the station. Choo-choo train, conductor full of course. Choo-choo train, you know our destination. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo. All aboard. Choo-choo train, truck tugging at by Jiminy. Engineer, choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo. Smokey smoke, pop-popping up the Jiminy. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo. Wear en route. Porter, fix the room. And Porter, bring some ice. Porter, get a brew. Sweep out the shoes and rice. Porter, thanks a lot. You've been so very nice. Here's a quarter, choo-choo quarter. Choo-choo train, please pardon us for hiding. I'll explain. Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo didn't guess. Choo-choo train, kids having to be riding. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo. The honeymoon express. Choo-choo-choo, Porter, fix the room. And Porter, bring some ice. Porter, get a brew. Sweep out the shoes and rice. Porter, thanks a lot. Oh, you've been so very nice. I'm going to tell you what. Here's a quarter, choo-choo quarter. Choo-choo train, please pardon us for hiding. I'll explain in case you didn't guess. Choo-choo train, it's heaven to be riding. Choo-choo-choo, choo-choo. The honeymoon express. Yes, this is Mrs. Harris. Oh, Mr. Strong, you amended a beautiful job repairing the house. Yes, yes, everything looks fine. The wallpaper hanger? He will? Tomorrow morning? Oh, well, I'd better get downtown and finish selecting the wallpaper. Well, thanks a lot for calling Mr. Strong. Goodbye. Who was that, honey? Mr. Strong, the contractor. And you'll be so happy to know that when you and Elliot got through fixing the beam, it only cost another $3,800 to fix the rest of the house. That seems pretty reasonable. Don't it, Elliot? Oh, sure, as long as you put it in a charred barrel and rock it once a month, there's a chemical reaction. Elliot, what's the matter? Hey, Alice, wait a minute. Where are you going? Downtown to do some shopping. And Phil? Yeah, honey. While I'm gone, don't fix anything. Please? We're off, baby. Will you sort of... stand around? Stand around quiet. Huh? What's the matter with her? She's a little bummed up. Contractor charged her $3,800. For one little beam? Yeah. Of course he threw in the windows and the door and put the kitchen back where it was. I'd have done it for half. Hey, I'll get that one. Yes? I'm from Kerwin's decorating shop. I got some wallpaper for you. Okay, buddy. Put it down over there. Say, this is where Alice Faye lives, isn't it? That's right. Could I get her autograph or something? Yeah, you could, but she's out right now. Darn it, I never have any luck. I'm Phil Harris. You know, I'm kind of anxious to see her in person. I'm a fan of hers. I'm Phil Harris. Gee, when she sings them love songs, it's like she was singing them straight to me. Hey, buddy. I'm Phil Harris. You told me three times. Do you know Miss Faye, mister? Of course I know her. I'm related to her. Well, you ought to be proud, mister. You sure got a beautiful daughter. Why is paper carrier? Daughter. You leave the chin strap off one night and you start to sag. Hey, Elliot, the wallpaper's here. What wallpaper? I forgot to tell you Alice has had a new paper put up in the living room. Well, let's go. Let's start putting up the wallpaper. Okay, I'll go, wait, I'm there. Not so fast, Cleet. Curly, what's the hanging wallpaper? You're sticking on a wall. Look, Elliot, let's face it. We're a couple of clever kids, but we don't know how to hang the wallpaper. How do you know? Did you ever try? No. You see what I mean? You could be the greatest wallpaper hanger since Michelangelo. But you're never going to know unless you try. Yeah. That mic could really throw that paste around. We couldn't do no damage, could we? Us? What a preposterous idea. Well, then let's give it a whirl. Look, you go out in the garage, you get a couple of ladders, and I'll mix up a batch of paste. Okay. Hey, Curly, I don't want to say anything, but ain't this kind of funny paper for a living room? Red barns, blue horses, green cows, all them different colored animals? Look, Alice knows more about this than we do, so start putting it up and don't ask so many questions, huh? Put it up. Okay, Mr. Angelo. As far as you get up on that ladder and start on the space over the door. Okay. Hey, Elliot. Huh? Hand me that bucket of paste. Okay. Here you are. Careful now. Don't spill it. That's filled clear to the top. We're in here, Julius, but don't come in. If you open that door, you'll knock me off this ladder. Paste all over the place, and look at that big, sloppy blob right in the middle of the rock. I'll thank you to stop insulting me and not hurt your head-to-foot with white paste. Paste off on my face. It's starting to harden around my mouth. Are you two talking, Elliot? He ain't kidding. Look at him. Feel him. He's as hard as a rock. How am I going to soften him up? Why don't you soften and type and tie him overnight? This is serious. Just look at the condition poor Elliot's in. Well, he ought to be ashamed of himself getting stiffs. I'll get some hot water and soften you up. And in no time, you'll be the same old Elliot and I... Come to think of it, is that what we want? All right. I was only a molly kid, and I'll get the stuff off you, and then we can start paper in this room. You get it. Hey, look at that. Looks pretty, too, don't it? You know, Curly, ain't this paper kind of morbid for a living room? What's morbid? What are you talking about? It looks great. Yeah, but... Well, look at all those dead animals laying on their backs with their feet sticking up in the air. Are you crazy or something? There ain't no... Elliot, you flea brain. You put that paper on upside down. Now, we're never going to be able to get it off. What am I going to do about Alice? Teacher to walk on her hands? It's a good thing you didn't do the whole room. Look at my side. Looks fine, don't it? It can't tell. It's too dark to see. You don't have wallpaper, so you're darking up the room. That's just because the shades are dark. Go over to the window and pull up the shades. Okay. You sure you had windows in this room? Oh, no! You've papered over the windows. Elliot, how stupid can a guy be? Now I'm going to have to go outside and find the windows. I'll be right back. The windows, if you don't say nothing about my door, how stupid a guy can be. All right. It's very funny. We've got to find that door if we want to get out of here. Bill! Well, let's not say nothing, then maybe she'll go away. Are you in the living room, Bill? I want to show you... It's a clever girl. She found the door. You'd like it, honey. Why did you do it? Oh, wait a minute, honey. Wait a minute. What's so terrible about it? We'll trim the paper off the windows and get the paper off the door. And give the animals some vitamins so they stand up. It's not that bad, honey. It's not that bad. It's not only crooked, upside down and backwards. It also happens to be the paper I picked out for the girl's playroom. Bye! Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. Is your radio giving you the kind of performance it was built to deliver? If not, you may need a new tube. Here's how to tell. Listen a moment. Does your radio sound like this? The volume rise and fall unexpectedly? Is there an annoying hum in the background? If your radio has any of these common symptoms, the trouble may be no more than a weak or worn out tube. Your local radio service man can tell for sure. He has the knowledge and equipment to find and fix any radio defect. And if the trouble is due to weak or worn out tubes, he'll be glad to install new RCA radio tubes. As most experts will tell you, RCA radio tubes last longer, yet they cost no more than ordinary tubes. This is Phil again. Last year motor vehicle accidents led the list as the nation's number one accident killer. Too many of us still think of accidents as striking only the other fellow. We forget that each of us could be the victim of an accident through our own thoughtlessness or carelessness. So no matter where you drive, drive carefully. Thank you and good night. Good night everybody. Included in this program, Transcribe was high ever back. The part of Julius is played by Walter Tendlick. This was an NBC radio network production. From one of the greatest documentary films of all times comes the memorable music for RCA Victor's new record album, Victory at Sea. Richard Rogers and Robert Russell Bennett have adapted this stirring 13 hour score to give you an album that retains all the wealth and fullness of the original. As one of the finest works ever produced by an American composer, RCA Victor's Victory at Sea album belongs in your record collection. Listen to it at your record dealers tomorrow. Engineers, does your present job give you all RCA's career advantages? RCA needs experienced engineers with bachelor or advanced degrees for development, design and manufacturing of electron tubes and specialized electronic equipment. Write RCA Engineering Box 345, New York 19, New York. Now it's John Cameron Swayze on the NBC radio network.