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Uploaded on Sep 9, 2008
Susan: There are some people in the world who say that writing stories, or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them. Nothing interferes with their ability to create. While I celebrate their creative freedom, a little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth. This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y'all Backup: We'll sing backup Susan: You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer. Backup: Old sock drawer! Susan: You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore Backup: Je suis whore Susan: You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake but you best grab a stake, cause, in sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires, Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, 'bout what you art should be in sweep the vampires All: Die vampire Susan: You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV Backup: Tippy Turtle! Susan: But your fourth grade teacher said Female Backup: You can't draw Susan: Aww, those vampires just won't let you be Backup: Fuck you Ms. Johnson, Word! Susan: And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing. Susan: In swoosh Backup: Ooh, the vampires Susan: in a whoosh Backup: ooh, the vampires, Susan: Babaganoosh Backup: ooh, all the vampires Susan: Filling you with thoughts of Backup: Self consciousness Susan: Feelings of Backup: Worthlessness Susan: They'll make you Backup: Second guess Die vam- All: -pire! There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide, it helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide! Listen closely, a vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression, but they can assume many seductive forms. Here's a few of them! Backup: Tell us Susan! Susan: First up are you pigmy vampires. They'll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like: Male Backup: Your teeth need whitening Female Backup: You went to state school? Male Backup: You sound weird All: Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris Susan: Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say: Backup: Ooh, your song's derivative, Ooh, your song's derivative, Ooh, your song's derivative,
Susan: To keep that song from you! Just tell them: Backup: Die vampire, die! Susan: Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire, she might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny. She smells something unpleasant in what you're creating. She'll urge you to: Backup: (Spraying sound) Susan: It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups. The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write about Backup: bad language, blood, or blow jobs Susan: She wants you to clean it up and clean it out. Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless but, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs, All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of. You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin' face and you say All: (Chanting) Susan: The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair. It'll wake you up at 4am to say things like: Backup: Who do you think you're kidding? You look like a fool. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough Susan: Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, It's the voice of reason. Backup: You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer! You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!
Susan: Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea fuckin' break it, go on drive a stake in, Yeah there's no mistaking, now you're shake and bakin' All: Die, vampire I said, "Die, vampire" I said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!" All: In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires, filling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampires Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!