 Hi, everybody, and welcome back to our podcast from the Kamasutra to 2020, where we look at your questions, your concerns, even your worries around all things to do with sex and sexuality. So as always, we have with us Dr. Anvita Madan-Pihel. Anvita is a psychosexual therapist and she brings the psychological perspective to the advice that the Kamasutra has to give. Welcome, Anvita. Thank you, Seema, and welcome to our podcast this week. Anvita, today I want to talk to you about a very important question, sex for the first time. You know, we've been getting these questions from young women and young men equally for absolutely ages, and each one has been writing in with this little fear, a slightly different question, but this fear about how to do it the first time. And I think that it's time that we actually deal with this particular question because I think that we've both been down that path where we know what it was like the first time around, the worry that comes with it, the anxiety. And, you know, I think that we can help people with certain tips, with certain helpful hints to get past that, what do you think? Absolutely, you know, Seema, and we've spoken about this often. I just feel like we can spend hours talking about what dress to wear for a party with friends, right? But we will never. How many people do you know who actually came and had a conversation with their friends or their family or older sibling or somebody to say, I'm thinking of having sex? Here are my concerns, worries, questions, apprehensions, whatever. None of us, none of us talk about it. And we talk about such frivolous things for hours. And this is such an important thing or such a milestone and comes with so much anxiety and we never talk about it. Absolutely. So I think that before we actually start giving them the emotionally based, helpful hints and the things that we think are useful to know, do you want to do some housekeeping? I know that there's some boring stuff that comes with first time sex as well, which is useful to know. Boring essential things, but yes, consent is the most important things. Know that you're ready for it, you want to do it, don't feel pressurized to do it, really. And when it means consent, it doesn't mean only between the partner and you, are you ready for it? Like really explore that deeply. You're not doing it because all five friends have done it or I want to be the first one to do it or my partner really wants to do it and I will lose my partner. There's just so many reasons that I think people engage in the first time and not from because they want to do it, just because, you know, their pressure is there. So that is the first most thing. And the second thing is really read up and learn about the consequences of having sex, that is STIs and pregnancies. They are real, they can happen just by having it one time with somebody, don't feel they're inappropriate conversations to have with your partner about if they've been sexually active before, have they ever been tested for STIs and or like what is the plan for using a condom? Like these are important conversations to have, so don't shy away from them. And finally, the anatomy, know your anatomy. We'll talk about it more as we talk about, more about the tips, but really learn about your sexual anatomy before engaging in sex. I think that is such an important point. So let's actually start with that because so many people are like, they'll be silly, I know where my body parts are. I can do this, but what they don't realize is that actually a lot of people don't know a lot about their body parts. And I think the first thing is a lot, yes, there are people who get confused about which part of the vaginal area they should be penetrating, so that's important to know. But I think the thing that confuses people the most is they have this image about the fact that there will be one long thing and one concave thing into which that long thing will fit and that it will merely slide in and slide out. And they don't realize that the concave thing, the vagina, has a bend to it, it is not straight and neither is the phallus, the penis is not a straight long thing either, it's got a bend to it. And also the way that our body parts are positioned when you come together in different positions, they don't line up. It's not as if you can literally just take two geometrical instruments and put them together, the body doesn't align either. So there has to be a certain amount of manipulation done to get there. And you're absolutely right about that. Number of, and people might be surprised or we were definitely surprised by this, but the number of couples that come saying they have a sexual problem and they've not been able to have sex. And once we have actually gone down the path, what we've realized is that they never had sex before and neither one of them knew the anatomy and knew where it has to go. And so one, so the first thing I would say for the women is, try exploring your vagina, try rubbing your vagina, know where the vagina is and where the opening is. It feels very small, but as you masturbate or rub it, it will expand to accept the penis or your finger. So firstly, learn about your vagina and you can then help guide the penis into the vagina because sometimes men don't know. Like there's this idea that men just know it, right? Like, they don't know. And if it's their first time, they don't know where it needs to enter. And secondly, a lot of times when they do penetrate, it hits a bone, like you're saying. And then they feel like, oh, it just wasn't going in. You know, it gets stuck, it's not going in. But it's what you're saying. It's a bend and you have to bend it and go up. So you have to raise your pelvic area a little bit for the penis to be able to go in. Yeah, and you know, it's interesting because that's where the pain comes. Because you go into that point, you hit something and you feel that it can't go in. So now people are trying to force it. And I know that the issue of pain for most women, most girls who are written in, this is the biggest issue in their mind is the amount of pain that it's going to cause. So we want to say that, yes, the first couple of times you do it, it will be painful. It's something you're not used to doing. It's not going to be painful through the entire time if you follow a few useful little tips which we're going to talk about. But also the reason that it's painful is because of this little bend inside the vagina. And once you learn how to negotiate that, you're okay with it. And I guess that brings us very, very cleverly to the next point, which is about lubrication. We cannot stress it enough. Now, this is something that we've talked about before Amita, haven't we? And people have come back with all sorts of like who does that? Is there any reason to do it? But if I am already expressing some wetness inside me, then do I need more? You get all this? Absolutely. As in we did a whole video and the comments on it were amazing. But we have to remember, especially for the first time, the vagina is tight. It hasn't, you know, the muscles haven't learned to relax. Your mind is preoccupied with many, many stresses and worries. Am I doing it right? Am I looking good? Is it happening? Is it okay to happen? What is going to happen? Am I going to be good at it? And so, and we spoke about it when we spoke about the lubrication, the vagina gets wet when it feels around. And when you're thinking and worrying about all these things, your vagina is not getting wet. So one of the main things to do is to lubricate it. So at least you won't feel the pain, the friction that is, you know, caused with a dry vagina and the penis entering is what causes the pain. So at least the lubrication is going to keep it wet. It's not going to hurt. It's going to allow the penis to slip in much easier. And so lubrication is really your friend when we think about the first thing. You know, it is your friend. It is not something bad. It is really your friend when you're going to engage in sex the first time. And I have to also add that it's not a glamorous thing to do. Let's be honest over here. When you have sex, you know, you imagine a visualization is that, you know, there is this moment of smoldering fashion. You're together. And then you find, okay, suddenly I'm going to now pull apart. I'm going to take out this tube of lubrication. I'm going to squeeze some out now. How am I going to put this? It's not a glamorous thing to be doing. However, everybody at some point when they realize, when it clicks that this is important for their pleasure, everybody does it. I mean, I have had people say to me that we go into the toilet before we start and we lubricate because, you know, I don't want to be seen as somebody who has to do it. Because there is this internal shame about the fact that if my vagina is not getting wet enough, then there must be something wrong with me. And it feels like you're going to destroy the mood. Yeah. And I was going to add that actually it is not the first time it's not glamorous at all. Leave the loop part of it because people create these beautiful images of how it's going to be and how it's going to look and it's going to be romantic and it's going to be long and it's going to have the fireworks. And most people are disappointed because it's nothing like they imagined. It is just full of stress and worry. It's not uncomfortable. Most women won't orgasm the first time and it would just be way shorter than they had imagined. So there are just so many elements. I just want to put it out there. There's nothing wrong with you if you're disappointed with your first time. Like any skill, it takes a long time to get better at it. And the first time you try out anything is in all probability your worst time and then you get better at it. Yeah, prepare to be underwhelmed. I think that that's one of the biggest things that people will put aside an entire evening because they imagine this to be taking place over such a long period of time. It's going to be underwhelming. It's going to be very quick and it's not going to be as you imagine it to be. But remember, as the Commissioner always says, it is an art form. You have to practice it to get better at it. And we promise you that if you do it a few times and you get to grips with some of the things, it will get a lot better. Pleasure will come. But your first time, the pleasure won't come from the actual penetration. So you must really understand that you focus on the foreplay. It is foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. It's very important. And as a matter of fact, even before the penetration, we would recommend that you get your partner or yourself to actually insert fingers into your vagina just to loosen it up a little bit. Get it used to the fact that something will be entering. Yeah, and when we think about it, about it being quite, if you're breaking myths here, it's very counterintuitive to what we have imagined or seen. So for men, it always is seen as if you have to be fast and it has to be long. And in all probability, you will come very quickly, because the arousal is so soon and you've penetrated someone for the first time. In all probability, you will come very quickly. So in fact, rather than going very fast, you should go take it very slow. The slower you take it, the longer you'll have to last. But it's also okay if you have had this conversation or if you've had this video, that you might come very quickly and that's okay. It will be over time that you'll be able to stay longer and not ejaculate. And for women, it might be like, if a man comes too quickly and you are unable to have penetrative orgasm, don't make a big deal about it, because it is the first time, have an oral orgasm and it will be through time that you would be able to have a penetrative orgasm. And it might take many several times before you can have a penetrative orgasm. And it doesn't mean that your man's not a good lover or you're not a good lover, just because it takes time. And I want to add with this thing that we started that at the beginning, there is pain. So the first time around, it is painful because one doesn't know what one is doing and you also don't know what kind of position to get your body into. So that comes to, of course, recommends that every bedroom should have eight different types of cushions in eight different shapes, which you put under different parts of your body, but that's a more exciting thing so that you can change the angles of penetration. But I do think that what you could start with is one basic cushion which you put under your bottom because as Anvita said earlier, that if your pelvis is raised, the angle of penetration becomes easier. You can make this even easier on yourself if you actually lift your thighs up so that you can wrap your legs around your partner if your partner is on top. You wrap your legs around the partner. The straighter your thighs become, the easier that entire angle of your body becomes. So penetration just becomes easier to handle. And once you have penetrated, even if you use lubrication, you have to understand that lube is not enough sometimes. Sometimes you need to add more. As Anvita was just saying that, you know, people, men particularly, we feel that they have to go fast and long. And so this idea of the thrust being hard in and out can really dry up the vagina also, the friction. So if you're feeling pain and it's getting to be uncomfortable rather than going through discomfort and being miserable about it, stop, let the person pull out, really lubricate and start again. It's so worth it for both of you. And Anvita, would you like to tell them that they will not become limp? I think that's another fear that sometimes happens. Yeah, and so, you know, just adding to the point you were saying that communicate your pain. I think this is really the communication bit. You know, when we think or imagine sex the first time, we only imagine it as, oh, there'll be groans and there'll be moans and there'll be like, there's no conversation happening. It just silently, everybody understands everything. You know, people can read each other's mind and it just happens. It doesn't communicate because remember this, if you're in pain and you continue to bear with the pain, that memory stays and you actually get fearful about having sex the next time because each time you're going to engage in sex, you're going to say, oh, shit, it's going to hurt. I don't want to do this. So actually, it actually has a long-term implication. So it's better, you tell the person it's hurting, can you stop? The man is not going to go limp. Even if, you know, if the penis does go limp for a few minutes, it's very easy with foreplay to rearouse or erect the penis. So don't worry about it. In fact, it will just make the foreplay longer and more enjoyable. So don't worry that, oh my God, if we stop now, everything will end. It will be a stop, start, stop, start. But that, if you take it in the stride, it actually makes the sexual experience longer and more enjoyable. Definitely. I think the next bit I'd like to get to is this idea of the first time that people have sex. There is this intense pressure on how you're looking. You know, when you get used to it, you realize that when you're in bed together, your partner is not going to be thinking about anything. From a woman's point of view, I know how women are like, oh my God, but you know, is my bikini lying waxed or my toenails done? Have I got the right kind of laundry on? It's fantastic to have all that. Nobody's really going to be thinking about it. However, it's in your mind. So acknowledge it. If you feel that that's going to cause you anxiety, go ahead and prepare yourself for it. Go and have a spa day. Oh, at least go and have a little beauty salon day. Get yourself waxed if that's what you want to do. Dress yourself up a certain way. As a matter of fact, and with that, the Kama Sutra says that this is supposed to be a really special experience. But you dress up for it. So the whole idea of the Sola Sringar is that you treat the sexual encounter as something special that you're going into and you give it all of that acknowledgement. So you perfume yourself, you beautify yourself, you go to it feeling good. And somehow that makes you feel good about yourself as well. It's a huge upliftment for your own inner mood. Well, definitely you're just taking away stresses and pressures, right? Like if you, we are, and we are talking about that when it's the first sexual experience, you're totally in your head. You're totally thinking about, am I doing this right, am I doing this right? So if you're worrying about, oh, somebody's going to notice my nails not done, then your mind is there than actually being engaged in the sexual act. So if you can take away some of your worries, obviously it helps a lot, you know? And I think it just makes it even, the pressures will be there, but if there is comfort with your partner, you know, last week we had Nikita and she was talking about trust and comfort with your partner. And if that is present, I think it just makes it even better in some ways. Like there's less pressure. So having less pressure and feeling sexy obviously helps with the arousal. And when you feel sexy about yourself, that's when you feel aroused, not when somebody else is saying you're looking so sexy. Because if you're not feeling sexy, the world can say it to you, but it's not going to make a difference until you feel sexy. Absolutely. And the other thing that a lot of people write in about is whether they should have the lights on or off. Well, you know, lights on and off is something that you come to as a personal choice once you've had sex a few times. It's something that you grow into. For the first time around, if you're feeling nervous, if you're feeling conscious, if you're feeling like you don't know what you're doing, then by all means put the lights off because it'll give you a little bit of Dutch comfort, it'll give you a little bit of extra, like a boost almost. But if it's pitch black, then also it's going to make it quite uncomfortable. So if it is nighttime, put the lights off, open the curtains. So there may be a little bit of moonlight coming in. Just you don't want to be in a situation where you feel completely like you can't see and that's going to just raise your stress levels. Yeah. And you know, when I think about, when I hear you say about all this like setting up of candles or lights or what to wear and all of it, I was reading Americana again and the character in it, they are in a relationship, they're a girlfriend boyfriend for a very long time and they've decided to wait to have sex and they've been sexually active, like the kissing, the touching and all of that. And she really talks about it at length that when they have it the first time, it happens also suddenly, like they just, it happens in the moment and she hasn't planned for it. And while it's happening, she's so disappointed by the anticlimax of it. Like she had imagined it to be like after a long wait, it would be something special. It would be something glamorous or it would be something that would be planned. And you know, it would be a big deal basically and it happened within moments without it being any big deal. And she was really disappointed in it. And I think that's how it mostly happens for most people. Like it happens unplanned suddenly and they are really later on, they think, oh, I didn't want it that way. So one, if you don't want it that way, then plan. Like see my saying, you know, actually plan for it, think about it, talk about it. And otherwise, if it does happen unplayed, don't feel disappointed. There can be a second time. You can make it happen the way you like it. Don't feel disappointed by how or when it happened. Don't live in the regret. Yeah, I think it's just about coming to that understanding that it's a first time thing. And I think that there might be one in 10 million that has a great experience the first time. Most people don't. And I think the final thing that I have over here that I was thinking of was to keep it as simple as possible as far as positions go because it could be that you have been in a relationship with somebody and you're physically active otherwise, intimacy-wise, but haven't actually had sex. So you've got the conversation, you've got the emotions between you, you've got the adventurous spirit of stuff that you do together and you feel that you're really ready. And because of everything that you share, you think that this is also going to be a fabulous adventure that's going to make, well, fireworks go off in the night sky. And there is a tendency in those situations to feel that you can really get very, very creative with it. I think our first, our advice for this first time would be to keep it as simple as possible where positions go. Yeah, like don't think it's the first time. So everything I know about sex needs to happen at that point. I have learned about the kissing, I've learned about anal, I've learned about things like, I'm going to do just everything in this first time. There will be more opportunities, there will be more time, keep it simple, keep it comfortable, keep it. You know, the more simple you keep it, the more enjoyable it will be. So focus on, you know, the simplicity of it, the moment of it, the fun of it, rather than thinking, oh, I need to get 10 on 10 and I need to show all my tricks this time. It's not about showing all your tricks, it's about the enjoyment in some ways. So focus on that rather than how much you know and how much you can show. I think actually that's a really good point on with the enjoyment, the fun. So that's another thing that we always say that if you laugh together, it lowers any inhibitions because most people again, take it as this very intense experience, you know, the small ring fashion, that's how we visualize it. But there will be the small ring fashion and there will be silence and you will look deeply into each other's eyes and things will go pop. Well, I tell you what, it generally doesn't happen like that. And if you can actually laugh, you know, because it's an exploration for you, whether it's the first time for both of you or if it's the first time for one of you, the idea is to make it, if you really want to make it into an adventure, understand that you're exploring something and laugh about it. Be ready to giggle about all the things that you do wrong. Imagine you're baking a cake and you decide to do something with your batter and then it goes all over the place and gets on your face. You would probably giggle about it. Do the same thing while you're trying sex for the first time. Yeah, you know, images that comes to me is that somebody's trying to insert a penis and they can't get it in. And I'm sure it does happen that way. That you- It happens all the time, yeah. Yeah, and so if you just laugh about it and guide the other person or, you know, just giggle or laugh about it, it will not make either of you feel the shame of not doing it. It'll actually keep the arousal high. Remember that when we feel judged or we feel shame, the arousal goes away. That's what causes the arousal to go. So that might lead to the vagina not becoming dry or it might make the penis lose its erection. So if we keep the fun or joy in it, rather the shame in judgment, it will actually keep the arousal high. It will make it fun. You will enjoy it. You might not even be able to penetrate, for example, the first time, but you will not leave the experience feeling like or unable to. You will leave the experience saying, oh, that was fun. We're gonna try it again, you know, and maybe learn more about it the next time. And that's a way better way to go about it rather than leaving saying, oh, I'm not gonna try sex again because it was so bad. I think that happens also with a lot of young men who try it for the first time, the anxiety of performing it so much that they cannot get a decent erection and they come away from it thinking that they have either erectile dysfunction or there's something wrong with them. And this whole thing about being judged, it's funny how we have surrounded this entire act of pleasure with so much taboo and shame that if you do it, it is shameful. If you cannot do it, it is shameful. It just, it's like an unending field of misery that we've created for something that should be a lot of fun. Yeah, absolutely. Like, you know, it's just, you know, we have to be a good enough lover. We have to be, you know, do it right. It needs to like, and then we shouldn't do it because we become bad people if we engage in sex. So how, and it is, this is something when people think about having sex for the first time, you are overcoming all that shame and taboo and embarrassment and how it's bad and everything that is there at the back of your mind, you know, because you are overcoming all of that to engage in sex. And that's a reality. And we should remember that, that that is a reality of the first time experience. That the context is not that of pleasure. The context is that of morality and taboo and shame. Anxiety. Yeah, absolutely. So I made copious notes, Anrita, while you were speaking and I'm just going to sum them up so that for anybody, whether you're a man or a woman having sex for the first time, here are tips and helpful hints to help you to get through this first experience with as little anxiety, as little pain as possible so that going forward, it can be a joyous experience. So the first thing to do is to remember that it is going to be an underwhelming experience. Don't be thrown by this, don't come over thinking, God, that was absolutely no point at all. Remember, it is the case for everybody. You will feel pain to a certain extent. It is very natural. Generally, it is women who feel pain. Most men don't feel pain the first time around, but that doesn't mean that they won't because it's an individual thing. If the woman is very tight, it can be that the man will also feel pain. To get over this pain, lubrication is your first go-to step. Very, very important, invest in a good lube. Use it and use it copiously. Use lots. Not a glamorous thing to be doing in the middle of everything, but really, really useful and will pay dividends. So it's an important thing. Use a cushion under your pelvis to bolster your pelvic area up and keep your thighs upright as far as possible. So wrap your thighs around your partner's back. If you can get your thighs over here to their shoulders that even higher, perfect because it will make it easier. Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Very, very important. It'll get you past all the awkward bits and it's also an in-between go-to time. So if you've actually penetrated, it's really painful, pull out, go back to more foreplay, back to more lube. You will be amazed at how useful you find it. And even if it is the case that a man, as Anata said, will in most likelihood come very quickly the first time, even if you've come guys and the woman hasn't, pull out, you've had your little bit of orgasm, you've had your ejaculation, pull out and continue to do this for her, at least for a little while. If you are having anxiety about your body, do the best you can for yourself before you go into it. Honestly, nobody will notice once you're in that position, but if it makes you feel better, go for it. Do what makes you feel good. If you need to have the lights off, put the lights off. It's not a problem, but keep some little bit of light just so that you can see what's going on. You don't wanna be groping around in the dark. There is no such thing as I have to be 10 on 10, like Anata said. There are no standards for being a good lover. Nobody has set those standards. Some vague person somewhere says, this is what it comes with being a good lover. It's not true. There are no, there's no metrics for this one. Okay, keep it as simple as possible. Don't get acrobatic. Laugh as much as you can. Enjoy, giggle together. Let's be a shared experience. And your conversation. Explain to each other. Communicate to each other. What is hurting? What is not feeling good? What you should do? Whether you need to take a pause, et cetera. And finally, as Anata said, STIs are a reality. So please do not compromise on the condom. I think that is an extremely important thing to remember. Pregnancies and STIs, it only needs to happen once. For this to happen and make your life very miserable. Is there anything that I've left out, Anata? No, I was just gonna say that prepare for it. So keep that condom and it don't make it a responsibility for men that they need to arrange for the condom. And also if you are a gay couple, lubrication and condoms are as important for you as they are for a heterosexual couple. So be prepared, keep the condom ready. You can now go and buy it anywhere. And I guess the most important thing, as we said, is fun. Think about it as something that you're engaging with for fun and enjoyment. It's not a test. It's not a pressure situation. It will get better. Remember, you will get better at it. So don't feel like don't judge yourself for the first time. Thank you, Anvita. I think that makes a great deal of sense. And this is not just for people who are having sex for the first time. If you've had sex and then not had it for a while in the middle and are going back to it after a long time, this is equally useful for you. So I hope that you find this video very helpful. I hope that you find this the advice that we've shared with you today very useful to you. And we hope that this leads for you to your having an amazing experience as you get a little bit further into your relationship. As always, do like, comment, subscribe on the video. If you have any questions at all, please send them into info.seema.arnand at gmail.com. And if you wish to get in touch with Anvita for a consultation of some kind, she is now on anvita.madanbehel at gmail.com. So that's Anvita, spelled A-N-B-I-T-A, dot madanbehel M-A-D-A-N-B-A-H-E-L at gmail.com. Take care, stay safe, we'll see you next week.