 How are you guys doing this evening? Yeah Give me joy like it's a weapon like a weapon So I'm a Muslim when I say weapon. It's got to be a little bit bigger than that Give me joy like it's a weapon. Let me hear joy. It's just gonna take me two minutes The TED talks are my side religion Are we into that are we into oxytocin? How do you feel about oxytocin? Yes, I got one. Yes. Yes, take up space big shoulders big breaths We've got a lot to do This is the library, but I am not quiet The like on my way here. I Just I was like at first Hit with this like Blustery wind like right and this like terrible weather and I was just like oh god fuck you too And then I realized me and Mother Earth were both crying That's where we're all at I'm also just enjoying that like at the end of every punchline. All of us are just a collective. Oh I am a feminist Muslim Iranian-American comedian. Thank you. I Say Iranian people get scared by this. I like to have fun with it. I like to sit in the front row of nuclear physics classes Excuse me professor Um this a plutonium Can you find that on like the Craigslist? Excuse me professor, um, when are we going to make a nuclear bomb? This guy came up to me at a whole foods at a whole foods at a whole foods And he said what's a Persian? What's an Iranian? What's a Persian? What's an Iranian? What is that? Why do you have two things? I'm just one thing I'm just an asshole and then right after that. He was like, what's the spring? It's can I use a scallion? Is it the same as a spring onion? Can I add green onion? And then he ran for president and he won and that's how my year has been going I feel like sometimes I get so saturated by hearing just the word Muslim in The press first of all, I want to say the Republican Party owes me residuals All right, I don't care if they're pennies. I would be a billionaire. I Helped a man get elected by my very existence. I would like to say and I believe I am owed royalties Thank you. Thank you Thank you Sometimes I just want to change the name So I don't hear it anymore. You know what I mean like Persians figure this out during the Iranian hostage crisis Somebody would run up to you with a bat say are you Iranian? Oh, no, I'm Persian. I Don't know what that is That sounds very bad. Do you like to dance? You like to party? These are my proud issues, baby. What's going on? Sometimes I just want to change the name To Baba Ganoush because then instead of Islamophobia people would have to say Baba Ganousha phobia Appendance would have to say there's a Baba another case of Baba Ganousha phobia. Why Baba Ganousha phobia? I don't know. I love eggplant. I don't understand it. I can't get it This is because food trucks solve for racism Right That's how we lift sanctions is like do we like Cubans? Oh my god Cuban sandwiches. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Yes. Yes Yes, I saw that food truck. Yes Because we need a Persian food truck And then we're good. Thank you Thank you. Everybody else is like no, but when I eat global treats It's because I'm a worldly individual It's fine. It's fine It's fine. We all do our part. We all do our part in different ways Tell you a bit about my dad. My dad is two favorite words in the English language are the shit and the hell He came to my dorm in college what the shit the hell is this And that's a lot of what I hear lately from him also who's just watching the news. What the shit the hell is this Sarah? What the shit the hell is this Sarah? I'm very excited that I am here with so many authors that I admire That I have a couple of pieces that I'm workshopping. I just thought maybe I would read them And then you guys could just tell me like the triple a is like what grabbed your attention What did you appreciate? What actions do I need next? Just workshop a couple of pieces Muslim in space. Ah Just feel like it would go really well I like to take advantage of opportunities. I I'm married to a white man. I have a white man. Thank you very happy with my white man I think every person of color needs to own one white man So Obama has Joe Biden just hey Here I am it's gonna be white So whenever I'm at the bank and my Muslim rage comes in just bank fees. I'm sorry That was my Muslim rage. This is my white man Go be white It's really effective. I feel like white guys are the golden retrievers of the doggie kingdom You know what I'm talking about like I have a mediocre white man. I don't really like exceptional white men I just this feels a little bit oppressive. I'm just not into it. I just don't like it Like I don't like seeing confidence in a white man. Like I don't appreciate that I just really appreciate just like bring it down right here right So like I some of my friends who are a woman of color are like I am not dating a white man I do not want to come home to that but sometimes I just wanted like fake news is a thing Why can't I have it at home? Coming home to my golden retriever I just want a friend. I just want to be a friend. I just want to be a friend. What's wrong with the c-plus I don't understand. I just want to be a friend Like everybody who'd never got an a-minus totally understands and everyone else is like what is wrong with a c-plus You were just talking about TED Talks confidence builds on confidence. I don't understand Whenever I had an a-minus my dad would be like what the shit the hell is this that? So then I would go I would study I'd bring home the a what the shit the hell is this Sarah Why it's not the a-plus so then I would go I would study I'd bring home the a-plus. What the shit the hell is this Sarah? Why take such an easy class? It's no winning So I introduced my White man. He's an infidel. He's an atheist to my dad and My father goes what the shit the hell is atheist? He didn't know what an atheist was I just and I realized in Farsi. There's just seven slurs It's like he who denies God too, you know, and so I was like, oh well He doesn't believe in religion so much as he believes in science And my dad was like you mean that Tom Cruise shit, and I was like, oh, how did this just get worse now? And I was like no one I was trying to explain it to him And he's like what does he think is this like some Christian shit or something like that. It's okay, Sarah It's okay Christian Jewish Muslim atheist. We all believe in the same damn shit. Okay We all believe at the God We surrender to that God He says the word Muslim just means one who surrenders to a force greater than himself That's like, well, he doesn't he's not spiritual daddy He doesn't believe in any God no God But he believes that we have religion due to the lack of a real economic infrastructure and my dad goes Does he believe in gravity? Gravity is a force greater than himself. He surrenders to that force He's a Muslim So welcome to the religion of Islam everybody It's a good time to be Muslim They say there's no such thing as bad PR so we're gonna have fun tonight