 No, no, Mary. I've made up my mind. I am not going into that studio and broadcast tonight. Oh, Jack, let's not stand out here in the hall arguing. Everybody's looking at us. Let them look. You think I can do a show tonight after making a monkey out of myself on that quiz kids program? You're crazy. That was Wednesday. People have forgotten all about it. Oh, they have, eh? And besides, you're a comedian. You're not supposed to have any brains. Oh, you're just trying to make me feel good. There I was with those little kids, and I couldn't answer one question. And me, 34 years old. I couldn't even answer a simple question like, where's the Taj Mahal? You could have built the Taj Mahal since you were 34. Go ahead, rub it in. What a blunder. After all the years I spent in showbins, I had to stick my neck out and ruin everything. Oh, well, that's life for you. Pardon me, Mr. Benny, may I have your autograph? You don't want my autograph, girly. I'm washed up. Thanks, just the same. Oh, Jack, you have to dramatize everything. I do, eh? Supposing you did miss on a few questions. You're not supposed to be Einstein. I'm not supposed to be Phil Harris, either. My goodness. My cousin Boo Boo would have been as good as I was on that program, and all he knows is... I tell you, Mary, I'm not going on the air tonight. Oh, for heaven's sake, if you're so ashamed of yourself, why don't you go out and join the foreign legion? I might think that's a gag, Mary, but the foreign legion isn't such a bad idea. Can't get over it. Imagine not getting that one question about the Taj Mahal. I knew the answer, but I opened my mouth and nothing came out. Not only that, a fly came in. Oh, well, nothing I can do about it now. Jack, Jack, hurry up. The program starts in 30 seconds. Well, I won't be on it. Now, Jack, Benny, stop acting like a big baby. He'll be right in, Don. Mary, I'm not going... Stop pulling me. Mary, let go of my arm. Come on, Jack. Remember, you're a trooper. A what? Oh, yes, that's right. Once a trooper, always a trooper. The show must go on. Quiet, Jack. We're on the air. Okay. Gee, I hope I'm good tonight. J-E-L-L-O. The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with the Vine Street Vigil. Friends, every housewife knows that in cooking and baking, you get the best results if you follow specific recipes instead of just guessing at the measurements and ingredients. And it certainly pays to be very specific. It certainly pays to be very specific when you're ordering the foods that go into those recipes. That's why it's always a wise thing to ask for Jello whenever you're buying a gelatin dessert. If you ask for this swell dessert by name, you can be sure of getting every single time all those good things that Jello has come to stand for. You'll get Jello's brilliant colors that always look so gay and inviting, and you'll get Jello's grand, distinctive flavor. A flavor as refreshing as the juicy ripe fruit itself, the very ultimate in rich dessert enjoyment. So when you ask for any of those famous six delicious flavors, remember, ladies and gentlemen, to specify the name Jello. Jello is a trademark, the property of general foods. And those big red letters on the box tell you that here's a mighty delightful treat. America's favorite gelatin dessert, Jello. And now, ladies and gentlemen, at this time we bring you one of the most brilliant minds in America today. A man whose meek and humble appearance conceals the brain of a genius. A man who appeared on the Quiz Kids program Wednesday night and didn't know the Taj Mahal from the Empire State Building, Jack Benny. Thank you. Uh, Jello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and, Don, I can't blame you for ribbing me tonight. Those Quiz Kids really gave me the old one, too. I was never so humiliated in my life. Well, I wouldn't take it so hard after all, Jack. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Oh, it isn't, eh? Well, let me tell you something, Don. Everybody's snubbing me. I met Barney Dean on the street the other day, and he wouldn't even speak to me. Barney Dean? Who's he? Just throw a cigar away in front of the Regent Hotel. You'll find out. I can't understand it. We've always been such good friends. Well, that's the way it goes. But I'm not complaining, Don. I had it coming to me after that showing I made Wednesday night. I can take it, though. You can take it? Yes. Then why did you try to hang yourself Thursday morning? Oh, for heaven's sake, I was hanging up a little laundry. I fell off the ladder and got tangled in the clothesline. That's all. Then explain that note you left. Farewell, cruel world. Oh, that must have fallen out of my scrapbook. That's a note I wrote one time when Clara Bow wouldn't go out with me. She got mad because my garter got caught in her wristwatch during a Charleston contest. We were disqualified. Anyway, Don, when Mary saw me, I was just hanging up a few socks. On Thursday? I thought you always did your washing on Monday. I couldn't do it Monday. I gave a reception for Lady Mendel. What do you want me to do? Ask her to run the ringer? She came over to my house to meet the quiz kids. Then why didn't you do your laundry Tuesday? You know darn well that Tuesday is my day to go out and catch dogs in Beverly Hills. I was elected to the office, and it's my duty. Now, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Say I heard you on the quiz kids program last week. Oh, did you? Yeah, you sure were smart. Smart? I didn't even open my mouth. That's what I mean. Don't talk, brother, unless you've got a lawyer with you. You're a little mixed up, Dennis, but thanks anyway. You know, Mr. Benny, when I was eight years old, I was just as bright as any one of those quiz kids. You were? Yeah. What happened to me? I'm sure I don't know. Some say one thing and some say another. Well, Don, don't worry about it. You've got to... Don't worry about it, Dennis. You've got a good voice. What more do you want? Don, as a rule, I'm pretty hard-boiled, but even though those quiz kids made me look like a nickel, I can't help liking them. They're so sweet and unspoiled. By the way, Jack, are they still living in your house? Yes, Don, but they're leaving tonight. They better check out before six o'clock, or they'll be hooked for another day. Listen, Mary, at a lot of hotels, the guests have to be out by noon. So don't run down the Beverly Hills tourist haven. Rotary Club every Wednesday. I thought the campfire girls met on Wednesday. Only in the winter. But honestly, fellas, those kids really made a hit with me. Gosh, they were a wonderful company. I may be a bit sentimental, but I don't know. I'm going to miss the pattern of little feet running around the house. It'll be so quiet. Why don't you put shoes on the mice? Oh, stop. The noise being sentimental around here. Say, Dennis. Yes, please. As long as Phil isn't here yet, how about your song? What's it going to be? I'm going to sing a brand new number called Once Upon a Summertime. And this is the first time it's ever been done on the air. Well, a newie, eh? Let's hear it, Dennis. OK. Hold it a minute. Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. Say good, Mary. Wait a minute, buddy. Here's a dime for you. Oh, goodie. Now I get my curls out of hock. So all that zombie needs is curls. Say, Jack, this wire's from Warkeegan. Oh, from home, eh? Yeah. It says, uh, you certainly disgrace the family on the Quiz Kids program. Personally, I'm disgusted with you. Disgusted with me? Who's that from? Cousin Boo Boo. Well, how did Boo Boo ever find out about telegrams? He must have seen the picture Western Union. Sing, Dennis. The story I'm about to tell isn't very new. A lot of people know it well. Now I know it too. It's a lot off my heart. Nothing more. Oh, don't stop me. If you've heard this one before. Not so long, one of them didn't care. What happened? I'll never know this affair. And because of a change of heart, this story had to be told. September, October, and wintertime. Pond of Summertime written by Jack Brooks and Norman Barons and sung by Dennis Day. And Dennis, that was not only a great number, but your voice was really heavenly. It was positively ethereal. All right, Don, ethereal. Oh, Jack, it's so ridiculous. Don, Dennis' voice was positively ethereal. Now go ahead. Oh, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you're in the market for a real treat, be sure to buy a package of jello. Keep going. Remember, folks, jello is not ethereal. It's a dessert. There. But what does it mean? I don't get it. Don, ethereal is a pun on the word cereal. Jello is not ethereal. Now continue. This is the cute part. OK. Why don't you run down to your neighborhood grother and ask him for any one of the 60-liter flavors? Keep going, Don. Oh, this is so silly. Look for the big, red leathers on the box. Don, you! Well, I'll be darned, he left. I must have wounded his big, fat vanity. He's so temperamental lately. Well, I don't blame him. Did you write that commercial, Jack? Yes. Well, I thoroughly thunk. Mary, those are all clever ideas and should be tried out. You know, I've got a marvelous one for next week. Look, as soon as Dennis finishes his song, we'll... Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. What's the matter with Don? I've just seen him walking down the hall. Oh, he's mad at me. The guy's screwy. I said hello to him, and he says, I'm thicker you two. Yeah. He did, eh? Yeah, you know, the guy was lipsing. That's listing. Not lipsing. Well, he did it with his lips. I don't care what he did it with, the word is listing. All right. Have it your way. Hiya, Mary. Hello, Phil. Hey, Phil, how are you and the boys going over to the Paramount Theater? Mary, we're a riot. You ought to hear the last I get with my gags. I can imagine. Get this one, Jackson. When I first walk out on the stage, I say to my guitar player, I say, hey, Frankie, who was that lady I seen you with last night? Uh-huh. And before you can answer, I hear them writing a kisser with a blueberry pie. Why, Phil Harris, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Throwing a pie in a guy's face is the oldest comedy bit in show business. With blueberries? You're thinking of cutsters. Oh, I see. You modernized it, huh? You know, I can't imagine people laughing at that kind of stuff nowadays. Neither can I. Oh, you can't, eh? Well, after the first show, the manager came backstage and told me I was terrific. He said, uh, Harris, you ought to have your own radio program. He did, eh? Yeah, but don't worry, Jackson. I'm loyal. I'm with you for years. Well, thanks. Now, if I was loyal, you'd be all set. Let me tell you something, Phil. I used to be in vaudeville, but I never stooped so low as to throw a pie at anybody. That's real hokum. What about that corny piece of business you used to do in your violin act? Corny piece of business. What was it, Mary? Jack used to play by the waters of the Minnetonka, and for a finish, Barney Dean would squirt him in the face with a bottle of seltzer. Yeah, now the guy won't even speak to me. But, Mary, that was a very clever tie-in. You see, the song I was playing was about water. So Barney Dean squirted seltzer water on me. That was the idea. Remember the time you played among my souvenirs and he took your watch? Well, I was just for a gag. I got it back later. Anyway, I'll never forget one day... When Barney... Come in. Hello, boss. Oh, hello, Rochester. I got the quiz kids out in the car. They're all ready to go to the station. Already? I didn't know it was that late. Say, Phil, the kids are going back to Chicago tonight, and I promise to take them down to the train. So you carry on with the show, will you? Okay. Hey, Frankie, go out and get a blueberry pie. You don't have to do that here. Just play some numbers. Come on, Mary, you ride down with us. So long, Phil. See you later, Dennis. So long, Mr. Barney. The kids are in the car, eh, Rochester? Yes, sir. And boss, listening to those kids talk is really an education. It certainly is. You know, I told them the salary you were paying me and they took my weekly earnings, multiplied by 52 and gave me the square root of my annual income. The square root, eh? What was it? Believe me, boss, it ain't worth rooting. That's too bad. Now listen, Rochester. Oh, there you are, Mr. Benny. Yes? I've got your papers ready to sign. You leave in 10 days. What? Oh, I meant to get in touch with you about that. I'm not going. Well, it's pretty late for that, Mr. Benny. I'm sorry. You have to forget the whole thing. Come on, Mary. Janet, I meant to write him a letter. Who is that, Jack? The recruiting officer for the foreign legion. You know how depressed I was. It's all off now, though. I'm sure disappointed, boys. I got a gal in Morocco. Well, you weren't going. Well, there are the kids. Come on, Mary. OK, Bo Jess. Hello, kids. Here's Uncle Jackie to take you to the train. Now I'll sit up in front with Rochester and, Mary, you get back there with the kids. Move over, Gerard. Sounds too cheap and tinny. That didn't come with the car. Where do we get that horn, Rochester? There ain't no horn. There's an old atomizer. Yeah, don't you smell that tiziole more every time I squeeze it. Well, that's one on me. An atomizer for a horn. That's nothing. Our spare tire's a life-preserver from the Albany night boat. Oh, yes. I fell overboard one night. Just lucky I had that on. Everything comfortable in the backseat, kids? Yes, Mr. Benny. It's fine. It's fine. Good, good. You know, Uncle Jackie is going to miss you, little rascals. But you certainly had me on the ropes last Wednesday night. We sure did. Yes. Yes, sir. Do you still feel like hanging yourself, Mr. Benny? No, no, no, I'm all right now. But you kids certainly made a monkey out of me. Gosh, I didn't know anything. Cousin Boo Boo, it's sick about it. Never mind. Well, Claude, are you going to miss California? I certainly am, Mr. Benny. I believe that Horace Greeley put it very succinctly when he said, go west, young man. Oh, he did. He put it very, yes, sir. You know, Horace Greeley was a great inventor. Why, Mr. Benny, Horace Greeley wasn't an inventor. He was a newspaper editor. Oh, he was, eh? Well, if you're so smart, what paper? The New York Tribune from 1841 to 1872. I'd give $1,000 if I could learn to keep my mouth shut. Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if Horace Greeley did invent something. That's down to me. Gee, you'll know. All right, Gerard. 1841, I'll check on that. Hey, boys, there's Mr. Wilson walking down the street. Oh, yes, pull up alongside him. Okay. Oh, Don. Don, would you like to ride down at the station with us? I'm not speaking to you. Okay, okay. Keep going, Rochester. Poor guy's tongue is still twisted. Well, Richard, you're rather quiet back there. Did you enjoy your visit with Uncle Jackie? Yes, Mr. Benny, but I'm sure sorry I didn't get to see Carmichael. Oh, yes. I was quite anxious to see your polar bear, too. Me, too. Well, kid, you certainly missed a treat. Carmichael is just about the cutest thing you ever saw. Soft, white, silky fur, loves to play, and he's just as gentle as a lamb. Then what happened to the gas man? You just drive the car. And, Rochester, watch out. Watch out for that bump up ahead. The what? That bump. Oh, hang on, everybody. Rochester, will you please watch where you're driving? You're at the wheel now. Oh, my goodness, get over here. Mary, are the kids all right? You better call the roll. OK. Claude? Here. Richard? Here. Gerard? I'm Gerard Darrell. I'm eight years old. They go to the Radwell School. Don't give your billy. Yes, ma'am? Thank heaven the kids are all right. Be careful now, Rochester. Yes, ma'am. They don't don't like that horn. Why don't you get something unusual? Something that sounds different. Why don't you get your cousin Boo-Boo to go Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo. Yes, keep my relatives out of this, will you? Well, kids, it won't be long now before you'll be on that choo choo. Choo choo? What's that? Oh, that's baby talk for locomotives. Maybe talk, eh? I said choo choo until I was 29 years old. You didn't stop drooling until you were 30. Hey, Rochester, we're near the station, aren't we? Pretty soon, boss. I think we ought to straighten things out with mr. Benny now. Don't you that Richard do it do what? What is it Richard? Well, mr. Benny? We've been living at your house, and we haven't paid our bill yet. Your bill? Oh Forget it kids. I I don't want your money But mr. Benny we ought to pay you. We live at your house two weeks two weeks in a day It's all right with me. I enjoyed having you really Mr. Benny if we went to a hotel it would have cost us money. So why shouldn't you get it? Yeah You kids were my guests. Let it go at that. But mr. Benny. Watch out Claude. This can't last forever Mary, you know very well. I wouldn't accept any rent from these lovable children But when they get to Chicago and they feel like Sending me a little gift Entirely up to that Well kids here. We are at the station pull up by the entrance Rochester We haven't got much time pile out kids Watch it there take it easy say boy should I put my red cap on and take the bags in Not so loud. There are a lot of them standing around come on kids. Come on, Mary This way kids just got time to make the train. Oh, look, there's mr. Kelly our quiz monster Yes, and there are the other kids and there's a fancy wait for us. Don't run ahead. Everybody stick together. Come on. Come on The Benny puts it She's a nice man and he didn't even charge us for those two weeks. He certainly fooled me ready to go boss Yeah Gee, I hated to see those kids leave No, Mary They got to be just like my own children No kid and I I was crazy about them. Oh stop blubbering. You'll see him again Yes, but I was so used to playing with him and everything What'll I do now? What'll I do when I come home evenings? What what'll I do in my spare time? Let's look for the gas main Here's a dessert that's just as pretty as a picture And you'll be so proud of how good it looks if you probably want to put a frame around it And hang it on the kitchen wall for family and friends to admire But putting it on the dining room table instead You'll find it tastes just as good as it looks the name of this dessert masterpiece is banana and raspberry mold A really different dessert that's not only easy to get but easy to make Simply dissolve one package of raspberry jello in two cups of hot water and chill and slightly thicken Next fold in two medium bananas sliced Mold and chilled and confirmed then garnish with sliced bananas and serve and what a treat A dessert that's as different as it is delicious incidentally raspberry jello like strawberry and cherry jello Has a new improved flavor obtained by using a natural flavor base artificially enhanced And that means it's better than ever Discover its new goodness for yourself by making a swell dessert combination of luscious sliced bananas and rich red raspberry jello Folks the next time you buy jello get jello put in the spoon You'll find it while whispering frank. Well, I'm not really whispering john I'm just pulling myself in because if I let myself go when I talk about jello puttings. I get so excited I just can't talk straight. Oh, no no frank try it again. I'll try to go ahead Jello puttings ladies and gentlemen are made by the same folks who make jello and like jello They're downright swell for smooth creamy goodness jello puttings are simply unrivaled They're easy to prepare just as jello is and they sell for the same low jello price So try these rich mellow puttings in three flavors chocolate the nala and butterscotch there I told you you could do it get jello puttings tomorrow Get jello puttings to over a little late. Good night folks Day for 27th the program will come to you on daylight savings time Consult your local newspaper or a movie and radio guide for current time in your community is the national broadcasting company