Ratchet! Ass! Ho! Ho! Ho! by Brittlestar (lyrics in description)





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Published on Dec 2, 2013

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words and music by Stewart JW Reynolds

'Twas the night before Christmas
All the elves were a' scurry
The presents were packed
But Santa looked worried

Now normally, right about now,
things were running on time
His suit and the sleigh, all that was just fine
But there was one little problem, well actually nine
All the reindeer were sick
They blamed it on where they had dined

You see, the night before the night before Christmas
Was their staff Christmas do
A fun packed event
Full of good drink and good food

Now the reindeer work hard as I'm sure you can tell
But a little-known fact, they play hard as well

So Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
All of them, even Rudolph
Were out of commission

"What will I do!" Santa cried, "oh blast oh darn!"
"What about that ass that we keep in the barn?"
"Mrs. Claus you're a genius!" And he gave her a kiss
"The donkey, I mean ass, Will do half the trick!"

"It won't be ideal but I think I can get by"
"If I could just find one more reindeer, one more reindeer who flies"

Blitzen lifted his head and stifled a barf
He looked at the elves
who looked back with alarm

The head elf stepped forward his voice cracked when he spoke
"I may have a solution."
Some of the other elves choked.

"There is one more reindeer of which you don't know"
"She's a little annoying but you know YOLO"

Santa's eyes went wide and he started to smile
"Bring her here we've only got a little while"
"but before you do her name I should ask it"
"Her name, Santa Claus? Her name is Ratchet"

So that was the night that Christmas was saved
By an ass and a reindeer, unfortunately named
And as the children fell asleep, all snug in the houses below
They could hear him call out,

"Ratchet! Ass! Ho! Ho! Ho!"


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