 So this morning, I was watching a video that claimed that men know when the woman is the one by the second date And it just occurs to me how Looters Chris that is and it says it's based on science, but I can tell you I've had lots of second dates that turned into third dates for dates fifth dates and and I Continued with them even though they weren't the one so I think it's a little bit presumptuous to say a man No, she's the one because I think it's presumptuous to get into this whole Fantasy of what the one is and yet sadly many people are hooked on the one Look it. I've talked about that as well And I think what we really have to identify is when a man genuinely cares for a woman Differentiating from that lust or limerence phase in the early stage of dating because in those early stages That's the scientific proof, you know men are often amped up and if you have not familiar with the word limerence I would suggest that you Google it. It's extreme infatuation or strong infatuation and Certainly lust. I mean, let's face it ladies What do men think about on a first date when they meet someone we think about? Wanting to have sex with you men are very low Discriminant when it comes to sex and what I mean to say is our Boundaries for having sex is very low and who we will have sex with has nothing to do with being with the one Okay, and that's general genuine Generally speaking, okay, it's not always the case because some men have much greater self-restraint than others But I want to lean into this conversation about when a man genuinely cares for a woman. I'm gonna share with you three Three weird things and I say weird. I mean, there's lots of different weird ways men show they care So when a man Genuinely cares for someone when they genuinely care for someone That is that space where he wants to go beyond being single and free Let me repeat that single and free because it's a man's tend to have a nature to want to have freedom At the same time they want that freedom with companionship connection and sex This is why you've heard the phrase, you know might what men want their cake and eat it too They want that level of freedom and that freedom isn't necessarily the freedom to go sleep with other woman women It's the freedom of not having to be beholden to someone And when I'm and so that space of that Companionship that connection that sex every human for the most part wants that ladies you want that men want that too the deciding factor For someone who genuinely wants to go the distance with someone is a man who's ready to commit to someone ready to commit and Let's even take that a deeper step. They're capable of commitment because it's one thing to want to be able to commit to another person Are they actually capable of committing? given that we are We're swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality and certainly when a man's life is Unstable the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid He made desire commitment and yet he may not be capable of it. I've shared my story before I'm gonna give you a quick rundown of this after my divorce in 2005 just turning 40 I found myself out there in the dating pool And I thought I want a relationship. I want a relationship because my marriage was kind of mediocre and unhappy towards the end and Right at that same time that I became we were going through divorce I lost my quarter million dollar a year job shortly after that. I got wiped out in the market crash of 2008 so Financially wiped out losing my quarter million dollars is up my my my emotional well-being was just an absolute chaos. I literally found myself being so emotionally distraught and I use the internet dating as a way to fill that emotional void inside of me and Many men do this they they approach the dating process I think I've actually I think I shot a video that said, you know online dating has now replaced therapy And what I mean to say is we can literally With the click of a few buttons connect with a person start to vomit all of our trauma to someone and you ladies are so beautiful at being caring people that you'll listen and sometimes you engage in the trauma Bond that we're experiencing and then there's a trauma loop going on and So what I was trying to suggest is when the ground underneath a man is not solid When there's uncertainty we want we and keep in mind we want that companionship. We want that connection We want that physical intimacy and yet the capability of commitment Might be non-existent. I certainly for the longest period of time wanted I Like I desired it in my head But I wasn't capable of it and I didn't realize that in some ways, you know dating To me dating is a means to an end in other words dating the purpose of dating is to form a relationship with someone and The minute you form a relationship with someone the purpose of that is some long-term Commitment with one another. That's to me the the purpose of it It's a means to an end and yet now dating can replace therapy Dating can be a temporary Solution it's almost like self-medicating. Oh, that's a good one for a lot of people It's a form of self-medication Because the number one emotional health issue facing most human beings is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable so when I go back and sharing My experiences and by the way, I'll get to those three weird things in a moment When I get to going back to the the ground underneath me wasn't solid The most important ground underneath me was that capacity of love myself And so after my son passed away in 2008 I did a deep dive in what did it mean to love oneself and I wrote my first my second book What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book Why I'm bringing this up Is that until a person actually heals From their past experiences which took me about a decade Allison Armstrong talks about this men go through the tunnel and if you're not familiar with the Joseph Campbell's work heroes journey that tunnel is that you know midlife crisis And that's what I was experiencing and many of you ladies are in relationship with men who are in the tunnel They're in midlife crisis and while they might desire that companionship connection and sex and they might even desire commitment You have to look at their life and the totality are they capable of commitment because ultimately when a man shows he cares These aren't the three things. Okay when a man shows he cares It's reaching that space of saying I want to take care of you I want to take care of you when a man reaches that space of actually wanting to be the provider protector It's saying I really want to take care of you That's Demonstrating trust trust is not just about fidelity trust is does this person have my best interest at hands to do does Do their feelings matter to me as much as my own do I care so much about this person's feelings that even if under crisis I want to take care of them Many of you are in relationships and fantasy relationships believing that the guy genuinely cares But ultimately a man demonstrates care when he literally says I want to take care of you even if you both are Mutually financially successful. It's that desire to want to take care of you. So Listen, we all can fantasize about how You know relationships from the all the good stuff Good sex good connection all these things but ultimately True love resides in that ability to handle the tough stuff And this is why I haven't spoken about this book in a while, but I Have been my girlfriend. I binged watch this show called married at first sight and there are three Experts on the show one of them is dr. Calvin and he wrote a book marriage ain't for punks marriage ain't for punks What I like about this book and I'm just only a partially into it what I like about this book is The understanding that true commitment true care lies in the ability To overcome conflicts to overcome conflicts because the people are gonna have their differences of opinion and Until you've actually learned good conflict resolution skills good conflict resolution skills a Relationship won't go the distance and ultimately I'm going under the assumption that you want to be in a relationship that goes the distance Am I right? so Why I'm recommending this book is because ladies many of you are operating from the fantasy that men know what they're doing in the relationship realm You know because of men men know by the second date that you're the one so he naturally knows exactly what to do to progress This relationship first off folks are blueprint human beings blueprint for what a good relationship looks like oftentimes comes from dysfunctional parents and At the same time many of us have been our blueprint is based on the fantasy of television and movies And I'm guilty of this For those of you are baby boomers Our Gen Xers you might remember a TV show called heart to heart with Jonathan and Jennifer Hart multi-millionaire successful man with this, you know debutante type of wife Not debutante. That's not a What sort of has sophisticated she was a journalist actually And every week they were on television romantic loving on themselves and also solving crime Well, I love the fantasy of that show. I love the way those two loved on each other and for probably 30 years I actually in the back of my mind fantasized about that Now what's ironic is in my current relationship? There's a picture of my sweetheart, and I In our relationship It actually is heart to heart from the sense that we're together quite a bit But I I allowed that fantasy Of what I thought relationships should be like And many of us do this as the blueprint And if we get too rigid too stuck in our box We can miss out on a really good relationship with someone because ultimately My I'm I'm gonna I'm beating the drum over and over again If you truly want a fully committed relationship to partnership Then it requires being radically honest in the early stages of conversation laying your cards on the table In fact, this is something I teach in my private coaching So if you'd like a Call with me a discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you Click the link in the description below to schedule a call. Why am I talking about this? We don't have time to waste or at least I'm encouraging you not to waste time With men whose ground underneath them doesn't feel solid to be able to to be capable to lean into a fully committed relationship And it's incumbent upon you to ferret this out because It's very easy to get caught up in the lust and limerence Lust is that limerence is also love bombing and that sort of thing You know men going to extreme saying that you're the one on the second date And saying I like could see myself married to you what not without establishing the deep roots of trust and trust Happens and I said before trust is about does this person care about my feelings? It happens when their actions match their words The human this person has victor consciousness not victim conscious here in the united states We are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness More importantly as I said earlier the capacity to fight fair that means to listen to the other person's Point of view if there's a disagreement acknowledging it to them. So you heard it And accepting that to be true for them and then you doing the same for one another and also empathy And as I said before in previous videos empathy isn't just I care of I can feel your feelings empathy means I genuinely care about your feelings Commensurate to caring about my own feelings And lastly transparency in relationship The problem with transparency today as many human beings Are not honest with themselves Transparency should be if it's material to the relationship you speak up And yet many people aren't honest with themselves. They're gaslighting themselves And it makes it difficult for them to genuinely be honest with you Which is why I'm such a big proponent If human beings aren't doing personal development self-help spiritual work or therapy They oftentimes oftentimes don't have the tools to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship Okay, you might be wondering what those three weird things are Okay. Hey, I just off the cuff. I came up with these Um, and I say they're weird because the first one he genuinely cares or he genuinely is curious about your past relationships Here's the thing men tend to be territorial but more importantly in one some Sense we're insecure as well Trying to find out why you chose someone else in your life And then compare it to ourselves now comparisons aren't a emotionally healthy thing for human beings and at the end of the day We men want to know you're the best We're the best you ever had so by asking about that and in a weird way hearing back from you why we're better a weird way I said Demonstrates that we care now might mean that we're emotionally insecure. Yes Many women can be insecure. It doesn't make them You know bad people. It's just I mean, I know this rhetoric We need to be with the alpha male is confident, you know that james bond type Well, those men don't commit to relationship traditional over alpha males you know the The ones many are attracted to they don't commit to a relationship the average man has some insecurities so asking about your past relationships is a Is a curious thing to compare themselves because we want to hear that you're we're better than your last relationship number two He makes an effort to meet your parents or family members. I know once I was in a relationship with someone I liked her a lot And shortly after we began dating we were in a relationship with each other I sent a Dozen roses to our mom saying thank you for you know giving birth to a beautiful person You know when we genuinely care We want to get to know remember. I said your past relationships. We also want to know where you came from Because we want to get a greater sense of who you are And by talking to your family by talking your friends We get a greater sense of who you are as a person And that's at least a good sign not an overly weird sign that shows we care And last but not least for today Well, this is a weird one. Maybe not in today's world. We follow you on social media. We follow you on social media I I Look at my girlfriend's social media posts not and by the way, she is not addicted to social media She barely posts on it, but in a way Our curiosity about your social media gives us insight into your life. Whether what you're posting today or what you've posted in the past When a man is curious and again, not all of these are you know signs of true healthiness But at the end of the day It's shot signs that show that we're at least interested enough to go beyond the surface to get to know you Now I want to wrap up today with one more book that I think could be hugely important to invest in If you're not familiar with gary zukov's work the seed of the soul, you may want to check out spiritual partnership And why i'm recommending this book today? spiritual partnership is about that I said Is about finding that space within yourself that you're in that empowered mode of being able to attract a partner who's also in their empowered mode And I invite you to read this to get a greater sense of relationships beyond the surface Because many are operating from the surface level of relationships. I've said this before a lot of conversation is how's your day growing? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day If you want to get to the deeper roots of trust then understand yourself And what makes you tick We'll invite someone in to learn those those things beyond the surface because those three things I just shared Are oftentimes just the first stage But if you really want to know if a man cares If you genuinely want to take care of you like I said and more importantly He wants to get to know you at a deeper level And by reading these books you will be A guide for him to get there and that's my invitation for you. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this video about the three weird things Post a comment below Like this video share this video subscribe to my channel if you're brand new check out the links to a discovery call You can follow me on instagram check out my group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for a nominal fee of less than 20 A month. All right, I think this will be a great place to wrap up this video First off, I'm going to give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bearer of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear pillow give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch and check out the sunrise Bye bye now