 Stopped surfing her stiff mangled corpse and actually caught a monster wave. Hang ten, man. Hang ten. Welcome to episode number dozen. Of the Marty and Michael fully actual podcast. You don't know that. And today we are in quarantine. There's this thing going around. It's just getting a bit of traction called coronavirus. It's on the news. You get sick. You get sick and you die. So stay inside, everyone. Our shit talk is really nothing. What are we doing the weekend? What do we do? I went and saw the boys. Our friend James almost he got attacked by a snake. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, James nearly got one of our very, very good friends. Nearly died when I wasn't there. But Michael and Matt from Halsam. He works at Halsam there in Milton and they've got big headquarters there. And what Halsam does is they sell a lot of concrete, right? So if you're a business or just, you know, a sole trader and you want some concrete to, you know, fill in a driveway or some something like that. You call Halsam, right? You call Halsam and Matthew then gets the call and he sort of divvies the work in amongst the people that he has there. He's in charge of them. And the headquarters in Milton, Brisbane, Halsam, concreting. Gregory, Matt Gregory Brown. So he was Matt was there. Matt was there and he was wearing a whole shirt. Yeah, other people were there, but mainly Matt was there. And James nearly got walking, nearly stood on a fucking snake. And it was a baby brown snake and they can't control their venom. Striking at him, trying to bite him, dance, jumping over it. I saw him. I can't believe it. I fuck me. That would have been so fucked to see. Oh, disappointing. He had a huge adrenaline rush after it. He was screaming. You saw it, Matt Gregory Brown from Halsam. He was screaming, Matt Gregory Brown. Yeah, but he was more concrete. He sort of jumped around, danced around it and it was trying to get at him. And then he had like a sudden adrenaline rush and started just going, whoo. Yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah, yeah. OK, if we want to get to another topic of shit talk, one thing, pet hate of mine, and I fucking something happened to me now and then. Do you ever look with the eyes? No, I only ever use my chest and upper neck. OK, see, I look at my eyes and sometimes I see like fucking off eyebrow hairs that I can't fucking get him to stay up. But I also see older friends that are getting older. Greg Smith, this is you. He has eyebrow hairs that are like the length of pubes. Have you seen older men and eyebrow hairs get fucking long? I have to rip them out. And now I can see one hanging down across my face. Give me one. Like, there's some vision. Can you see one curled down? No. Maybe it's an eyelash. Well, maybe it's just a bit of what do you call it? Your eye is degenerating, whatever they call it. You're getting that tunnel vision thing. It's a small spot in the cataracts. And then it just grows and you're blind. You'll have white eyes within six months. Could be that, too. With their mask. Yeah, anyway, that's that shit talk. I can't even remember. Well, me and Mon, we just drank and then just filmed weird TikToks. What we do now on our date nights and shit. Fun, but like, I can't wait to go outside sometimes. Yeah, well, I guess we went outside for exercise with electric skateboards. Yeah, we went out to skate normal skateboarding and, yeah. We also found a giant beehive in the tree. What did you do to all that, huh? What did you fucking concrete it up? Let me guess, let me guess. You ordered a cubic meter of fucking concrete and a fucking truck. Drop it off and you're fucking and just in the field. It is filled with felting concrete. Can't. Did you honey flavored concrete? Oh, you were awesome. Yeah, I was there, but did you? I'm never there really. Fuck that's not a DJ my life life on the floor. All right, so that's our shit talk out of the way. And I just wanted to update you on the brown snake. I wasn't entirely sure if the fact that baby browns inject lots of venom and can't control it, so I sort of checked it out. It actually says they don't actually inject only only inject a small amount. There you go. It's a me, it's a me, but it is enough to kill him. Martin James's mom said it. Now, it's more not cross-checking. He's he's it's not all snakes, but one of the most known snakes for not being able to control the venom is rattlesnakes rattlesnakes. Baby rattlesnakes. I thought that I thought that I didn't want to say because I didn't double check my sources. But California. Exactly. But it can still kill you. Can can not concrete like a like tin. I think can confuse those. It can. It can. And that's got his wholesome shirt on. Man, that's weird. That confusing can. It shouldn't be a can. A can of soft drink shouldn't be called that. Why not make a different word up for that? A tin. We'll just call it a pun, P-U-U-J. Pudge, a noise that's not allocated to any other objects. Just use that instead of can. Because can's already used. I can. I can do this. You know what I mean? What a charity. I can. I will. What a stupid fucking thing. Oh, let's let's name a tin can after after something. There's already a word for it. Like it'd be like it'd be like me. Oh, let's call this glass here run. Oh, this is run. Oh, I get that now. It's like saying if like a table was if. Yeah, like just fucking come up with some different noises for these things. God, it's getting hard to, you know, just make sure everyone understands one another. I'm this close to ending. I'm this close to ending it. All right. So as part of our shit talk, we have the on this day part. And again, Matt Brown came in. He's clearly on some sort of amphetamine, I'm guessing, Matt, maybe meth. LSD. OK. That's not LSD. LSD does have amphetamine properties. But he came in crazy eyes. His pupils were huge. There was basically no white in his eyes. He was naked, except for some snow boots that he was wearing. And he had earplugs. He had earplugs in. And he handed me the on this day facts for this week. And let me tell you something. Wow. Wow. Has he fucking done it again? Every week, I don't know. Like it must just one day of his entire week. He even came in at 4.30, but he had a nap. He had it tried to have a nap. He kept grabbing at me like some of these. And they get, I think they become more fucked as you go. Like, but yeah, some of these is just like you wouldn't. You wouldn't read about it like you. And you can see why the media hides these facts. Because the what you're finding out, it's sort of it's like it ruins your perception of things. Anyway, let's get into it on this day. In 1989, Tom Hanks was found stuffing turkey mints in a small crack in the ground and fucked it with his testicles whilst high on meth. How would that would be hard? You'd have to use your fingers to get the testicles in. You'd have to thumb your testicles into the crack and then pull them out again, thumb them in, pull them out, thumb them in. And maybe the motion of your testicles going in and out would maybe stimulate you to be able to fuck. I would imagine. Yeah. Toy Story 4, 5. How many are there now? Nine. On this day in 1998, a Holden Commodore went on a raping spree whilst hammer drunk before being shot to death by a Ford Falcon. This is what started their great rivalry. I always wondered. I thought it was like a business rivalry, but it turns out that it was some sort of social scenario that started the rivalry. I reckon you're more likely to get raped by someone who drives. Buy a Holden Commodore. No, just buy the car itself. I reckon buy someone who drives a Holden Commodore and a Ford Falcon. Then you would be a say, no, say, what's it called? Mitsubishi Swift? Suzuki Swift. Oh, fucking same thing. I think that's a misconception that the cars sort of, that stereotype was created because the cars would do these things and the drivers were just like, well, I just bought the car. They were passengers. Yeah. Well, I didn't fucking rape the car did. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then they get blamed. Hence why Holden's shutting down. Crazy. Matt Brown from Wholesome. VA. Coming up with these. In 1938, the Dalai Lama set large rack traps in and around an orphanage housed with blind orphans for his own amusement. Wow. He would sneak around for hours and watch as the poor blind orphan stumbled into his traps. You wouldn't think that Dalai Lama would do that. Apparently, yeah. You always hear he's doing good things, right? Wasn't he a kid when he became the Dalai Lama? Yeah, well, it's a hobby. It's just a side hobby, but still it's like. Yeah. Very sick thing to do. Well, apparently the blind orphans were just crying as they walked around, didn't have like a cane or a guide dog, obviously. And they were just falling straight into these huge, very large rat traps and it would break their feet, break their hands. There was even a few accounts where it broke the femur. The femur bone. The thigh bone in a. That's the hardest bone to snap to. So, you know, when people talk about the Dalai Lama, don't don't just he's he's a he's fucked. Oh, we are dumbing down society. Actually, have you ever broken a bone? Yeah, of course I've broken a bone. No, you haven't. No, you haven't. What bone? My arm when I was three years old. I think when you were German. Didn't you break your nose, buddy? Yeah, I broke my nose. Oh, yeah. What about like, see, actually broken your arm? Yes. That's for me, that question. Have you ever broken a bone? No, no, never home. Crazy. Look at me. I'll do crazy shit and never break bones. Shut up. No, I can't recall. I can't recall. But I'm pretty sure I haven't. On this day in 1995, the Backstreet Boys made a deal with Lucifer to poison the minds of young children in exchange for immortality. The deal fell apart when Lucifer developed feelings for Nick Carter and the other members became jealous. Lucifer and Nick still talk occasionally and sometimes Nick even sucks on his doodle. Doodle with the climax. Doodle with the climax in, Matt. Well done, Matt. I was wondering why they did that. I was wondering why the Backstreet Boys made music like that, but they had a deal. Oh, man. Doodle is the silliest word ever, doodle. It clears things. It's confusing to hear out loud, but then after it's like, oh, yeah. What do you reckon is better? If you wanted to describe a male genitalia, would you call it dick, cock, doodle, or flask? I'd call it engorged appendage. Oh, that's pretty scientific. Yeah, I'm quite like that. We're all engorged appendages, really. Matt? Wholesome. Fire. Fire someone. Done. It's done. He sent an email. It's finished. He's actually got a skintip. It's a ruin someone's life. All right, that rands up our shit talk and let me just tell you, everyone, first of all and second of all, first of all, everyone who sent things to Matt Brown, 1111, the Instagram account, he was messaging us last night. He's like, boys, there's people are sending me pictures of dead animals, the dicks getting fucked by other shit, people burning alive, all this fucked up shit. And we were just like, it sounds a bit weak. It was a bit weak. I'm going to say thank you. What was the worst, Matt? Yeah, yeah, thank you, but Matt, what's the worst? Honestly, oh, the dead animals were confronting, but it wasn't that bad. You were watching women getting murdered, children getting murdered. I'm getting there. Somebody sent me a, I think it was a rat or a rat type of, someone sent me a rat with a, and they'd stuck a needle, like, pin thumbtacks into its eyes. Oh, fuck me. People sent me a roadkill and a lot of dicks as well. Yeah, I would not be able to handle that. I would hate to see that. But yeah, the worst, I got to send an Instagram page and I just had the worst of the worst, very dark, a lot of murder on there. Yeah, so yeah. So I was pretty ruined for about an hour this morning. So it did get got to me a bit, but you know. Step it up. I was thinking, like, it's good, but it's weak. It's a bit weak. Follow him, too. He deserves that if you're saying that. Yeah, follow him. So whenever you come across some content that you feel like showing that, so that it's ready on hand, you can just send it to him straight away. So this week, let's step it up from, like, a six out of 10 to, what, like an eight and a half, nine out of 10? Step it up. Send him some shit. I want to see. I want him to not want to do this anymore. I want him to come in next week and be like, and not talking. If he kills himself, then you've done your job. Anyway, yeah, you don't have to do it. Secondly, this podcast is sponsored by the University of Morocco, our website. We've got hours and hours of unseen content on there. It's crazy. It's crazy. You can't see it anywhere else. You see us really hurt each other very badly. Hours and hours. It's only $5 a month. Oh my God, that's crazy. Plus, you get a two week trial. So you can see the content and decide whether you want to pay or you can leave without any charges to your zero risk. Oh my God, sign up. Fuckin' sign up. I shouldn't have to do that. You should just be signed up now. Anyway, cut everything I just said then. Cut everything I just said. But leave him saying cut everything I just said. Next segment. Next segment has been renamed to Mio Shui Fiolo. She did a scut at the brain, did a con, and ten has had a tiny children as a con. And this is a segment where we just answer questions that you guys have sent in via Instagram. Mik Om Hofvik Galk. Mik Om, Mikomi Hockovic. Mikoma Hockovic, Mikoma Hockovic. He's Dutch. I think he's a spy. Mari, speak of the devil. What would you do if you walked into Michael's room and there was a Sudanese man in the corner recording Michael being gang banged by two very aggressive monitors? Which I think they are. Minotaurs. It's like the half bull, half human. Yeah, yeah. Half human, half cow. If Michael doesn't know what they are, oh, fuck him you. Yeah. I'm always half horse, half human. What's a half horse, half human? It's a Maccabi diva. Oh, the old Jack, the old Jackalor. I would break up with Michael. I would cut all ties. I'd leave. I'd move to New South Wales in Sydney. I'd move to the beach and I'd start a pillowcase business. I'd sell it myself. I'd learn out of so, so really nice patterns in them and I'd sell that. And I would have nothing to do with him anymore because that is not fair on me. It's not fair. Why? Because I fucked an animal, half human, but it has to be straight up cow or bull. Don't do that, all right? Otherwise I will react like that. Don't fucking push me, cunt. I didn't. Don't fucking push me. Not going to. The reason people ask that question is they can see in your eyes that you want to get fucked by Minotaurs while there's a Sudanese guy who's filming in the corner. You can see in your fucking eyes. Yeah, yeah, everyone's got their fantasies. KVP Blue. Question for the podcast. If you were both stranded on an island with no food and one had to eat the other to survive, who would volunteer to be eaten? Michael would volunteer to be eaten. I'd tear his flesh from his bones. No, I reckon. Within half an hour of being on the island, we don't even know that we're there alone and I'd be ripping strips of flesh from his bones. He wouldn't want to eat me. I would. There's not even much meat to me. It's already this marinated in beer and bourbon. I just want to rip that flesh off and stuff in my mouth so it's juicy. I'm beer-battered. Juicy. Alcohol filled every time I bite into it. It's a mixture of blood and vodka pouring down my throat. I'm going to drink alcohol. He'd be dead within an hour. Okay. I won't go on an island, I guess, with you. Let's not go to an island for a holiday. Yeah. We live on an island. Awesome. We live on the biggest island in the world. Everything's an island, man. Fucking Earth's an island, cunt. In space. The burp got me, then. Earth's fucking island in space, cunt. In space. Southern Cross is the island. It's not an island, cunt. Southern Cross is fucking factured into the matrix, cunt. Southern Cross is the universe. Some people actually think that. All right, I need to calm down. That was one of the best things you've ever said to me. Southern Cross is the... Southern Cross is the universe. That's so fucked. Ends act day. All right. Now, next question's from Riley.money4. Do you use... Do you funny shit for money or fun? Both, now. Will we start it off for fun? We did this for, like, what, three to four years. Without a cent being paid to us for no money, only for a few views we'd destroy ourselves. Hit golf balls into each other. We'd hack flesh off our bones. With some, like, thumbtacks put on tennis balls, hit them with tennis rackets into each other. People caught us insane. We were, and we are. But now it's just a stroke of luck that someone gives us money for. Oh, look, it's 4.20. Yes. So, yeah, it's both for fun and for money. If you do your hobby for long enough, you will get paid for it. You become a master. If your hobby is collecting Pokemon cards, you do it for lunch, you will get paid for it. And then it's like, oh, am I doing this for the money or for fun? Both. Look at, like, it's like people who think about it. Who fucking grow plants. No, no, think about, like, the priests, Catholics. You do what you love for long enough. Then you fuck kids. There's no repercussions. Oh. You do what you love for long enough you end up fucking kids. For priests, for Catholic, for churches. Contact Connor. Oh, I like that one. Yeah, that one's okay. Leave it in and leave me saying contact Connor. Yeah, all right, there you get it. All right. Now, next one's from mil underscore warris. How old were you when you had your first marijuana smoke and will you ever prank Nigel again? Let me tell you something. Don't smoke pot till you are of age. In the, ow, I hit my eye. Damn, I just flipped myself in the eye. I, well, we both, we both of us, like, I grew up. What were we, like, 21, 22? I grew up around people who smoked weed all the time, but I was just always a bit wary and just never wanted to do it as I was, like, 16, 17, 18. Then we went to Amsterdam when we were, like, 21 and 20. That's when we smoked for the first time and we didn't start. We had a few years. Yeah, and it's legal there and it's fine. And then after that, you realize, oh, it's not that big a deal. And then you sort of, you know, the older you get, the more you realize weed is, like, it's nothing. It helps you. Like, it's, it's, it's actually. Alcohol to weed, weed all the way because you don't fuck your body. Don't smoke, even just condense it to oil. Have a teaspoon of oil each night. Yeah, you don't have to smoke. The smoking part is unhealthy, but there's lots of really good things about weed. So, so weed, so we only really only started using weed regularly at when 23, 24. Yeah, I was about 26. I was about 25. And even then it wasn't, even then it wasn't regular. It only turned into, you know, a more. There was a period where we were fucking stoners and like, I'm not. But not really. I don't wake and bake now. I might have it like every second day. Look, late at night to help, to help relax. Like at like, I'm talking like eight, nine PM right before bed. Have a bit of weed, like helps me fall asleep. I know that you don't get quite the deep sleep, but I prefer seven hours of not deep sleep over four hours of somewhat deep sleep. So. And like, think about it. You go to a party or you have a gathering with your close friends. Matt from Holson. James. Matt works at Holson. Right? Fucking Mono. Huge company. We're there. We could all get pissed as shit or we could just smoke a vape or have a bit of weed oil and then you can giggle your asses off, be creative, love each other more. It's a fucking good drug. It's not even a drug. It's a medicine. But having said that, wait until your brain is developed before you start doing it. Don't do it at 14. Don't do it at 16. I'd say wait until like 25 if you can. Yeah, if you can. You can do it occasionally. Everything in moderation is like that. And to be honest, we'll have to cut back our weed use eventually, too, if we want to maintain our really happy, healthy brains. Yeah, exactly. It's special occasions and. It is to enhance certain social occasions. That is what you use drugs for. That's why they were invented. Don't talk to me. Don't fucking talk to me. I'll stop. Nigel is not really into the social media stuff so much anymore. But if you've had a car or work accident in the last three years, send Nigel a message on Instagram, on Facebook anywhere and let him know. Because he's the fucking guy to go to. And I know it sounds like a scam and it sounds like, oh, what the fuck? I've never heard of this shit before. Just trust us. Just trust us and message him. If the accident wasn't your fault, just message him, all right? If you're from Australia and just find out because we're not talking shit. It's science. It is. It's a scientific fact. Madison.low88. Do impersonations. All right, you give me an impersonation. I'll give you one. I want you to be Judge Judy. Let me just think. Channel her. Go in and meditate. It's happening. I can feel her being pushed into my nurse. Okay, okay, shut up. No, no, you let me talk now. You are dumb. You're a stupid motherfucker. You don't know nothing. Yeah, dude, that sounds like her, but with less language. Yeah. Because she normally swears way more. Who should I be? You be Delta at Goodrum. I'm not a fan of her at all. On the voice. I'm not gonna... Okay. Stop feeling that. Oh, that's a finger. It started. I can't stop it. I can't stop it now. No. It's enough. I'm trying to be Delta. I can't stop it once I started. Don't ask me to. Don't ask me to stop. It makes me go for longer. Pretend there's a button here. Okay. Stop touching me. I can't. All right, I'm pressing the button. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, you're great. Is she American? We don't do impersonations. Yeah, we're not that good at that. We can do specific things like animals and... I'll try and do Delta. You try and do Judge Judy. All right, ready? Shit. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Guy Sebastian's just spilled beer all over the mics. No, that's... I'm Delta. I'm being Delta. You're the judge next to me. You're Guy Sebastian. That's not a DJ. So am I. I have life on the floor. And that's my Delta impersonation. That's harboring anger. Now I feel bad. Sorry, Matthew. Oh, don't! My hand's weak. I can't hold it for that long. I can't hold it for that long. Squeeze as hard as I can. I'm trying to pierce the skin with my fingers. And you can wipe it underneath just in case. Stop doing it. I'm really trying to pierce the skin with my hands there. God damn it. Sorry. Okay. Do you want me to wipe underneath with the... That'd be good since you made the mess. It'd be great if you could do that. That's not a DJ. DJ. DJ. My life. If you worked at Wholesome, you would be out on your ass. Faster than you could say. Where's this concrete going? Oh, no. You'd be... Am I fired, Matt? He's got a concrete mind. Look at his small little fucking nose. His fucking nose. I'm always sitting calm. I'm on that one. We might have bulbous miners at the end. It's just sharp. It just gets to the point. All right. We're good. We're good. Everything's safe. Moving on. Next question. I can't. I want a pit. We'll go on then. No. You've shown me your cards, boy. I will thrust them into the bin. Trash. All right. Next one's from test.gage. What is your biggest desire at the moment? Look, I just want to have a space where I can sit down and have no distractions, and I just want to be alone and be. I just want to be. So that's my goal. Yeah. I love like six months of nothing to do. And I just fucking hold up and play all the games I wanted to play. Meth. Michael wants to smoke meth for six months. No. Red Dead Redemption 2. All these other games that I've been wanting to play for years. And I can't because I've got fucking obligations to be. Michael wants to try and back up content so that he can go on a six month meth smoking spree and just do nothing for six months. That's what he wants to do. The only time I did meth was with you. What I want most from this moment is just to make the most of the opportunities that we have. I just want to not waste what we have now built. And that is all I want. I just want to continue. I just want to remember why we started and then continue to do that. Yeah. Let's not let the bottle get the better of us. And we're in control. Let us remember the purpose of why we started in the beginning. To being not this. To being not this. Awesome. Awesome. Next question is from J underscore Dan 34. We got to your question. Dude, we did it. If you could travel back to any time in any fucking cut. Cut. Here we go again. No, no, this is the one. Okay. Next question J underscore Dan 34. We got to your question. Finally. I got to your question. Finally. If you could travel back in time to any historical event. What would it be? I've traveled back to the second world war. We fucking go. No. No. And I would inform the Germans that what they're doing does not have a good outcome. And I would explain the strategies of the Allied forces. And then I would come back to this time and see if I had affected any change. Because I know I'm safe. Oh my fucking God. Don't call me that. Just call me Marty. Okay, sorry Marty. So much pressure. When you call me God. No, I'd go back to when you're a baby. And as you're coming out of your mom, you'd finger her a bit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you would do that. I know you would. You'd be half out of her. You'd pop your arm out and then stuff your little baby fist back down and fuck her a little bit. Because you're twisted like that. No, no, no. I'd go back to like my 12-year-old self and I'd say stop playing fucking tennis. And start smoking meth. And wasting your life for a sport that you're not going to use any of this in the future. Right. All right, let's fast forward four years. We would have never met. You wouldn't be sitting here. You'd be fucking working at Woolworths and you'd be fat and gross dog. I'm not a dog, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, maybe I could have been. But yeah, no, I'd tell myself to put more time into things that work, not a sport that gave me nothing. Tennis gave us everything. No. You don't see it. I don't like tennis, but tennis gave us everything. Discipline. And people. I'd know to make sure I went to Calvin Grove and I would have met up with you because I would have told my fucking kid self. I never would have met up with you. You were in a year below me. I never would have spoken. No, I would have come and said, hey, I love you, Tennis Mighty. And you would be like, oh, I've got a fan. I would have been your first fan. I'm like, come along. Come along to the tournament like you did. I hadn't thought of that scenario. Yeah, so that's why I would have told. I would have gave him the whole debrief of what to do. You would not have come down to the tennis course and be like, oh, hey, man. No, if I told my younger self. To do that. Yeah, I said, just make sure you fucking. I thought you were a fucking freak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just on the sidelines. Come on, I've got Rachel Womber with you, man. Piss on me with all your friends, please. And you would have told your past self to speak in an American accent. Yeah. And then just come back to the future all the now and watch how fucked that person's life would be. Yeah. I'm American, man. He wouldn't have been on that. My future self told me to talk like this. I don't know what you mean. Oh, Delta Good Room, Delta Good Room. And that is our impersonation of Delta Good Room and Judge Judy. This is from yoga underscore Indra 24. Why did you choose the great Stephen Hawking's? We've already answered this. And not like Nikola Tesla or any other scientists. We chose Stephen Hawking's because he is a man who knows. He's a man who knows. And that was his, that's what's written on his gravestone. But like Nikola Tesla is pretty fucking rad, but he was hidden hard. He's, yeah, there's a movie coming out on Nikola Tesla. And if you research Nikola Tesla a little bit. Yeah, some people think he was hidden hard, but he was also competing with a lot of other inventors at the time. And his biography that is, that has been recorded by people that are close to him. Say that he wanted to also be hidden and that he was competing with, I forget their companies, Westinghouse and someone else. And what he did, he did get recognition for. But there's a lot more to it. It's not just he was hidden away and that's all he created free energy. Yeah. So it's good that we kept going. Again, yeah. Yeah. It's neither of us know enough about it. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely fucking think, yeah, Nikola Tesla should be one of, that's, yeah, he'll be my new idol. We should, he should be, but we're going to hide him. We're going to forget about him. The government's paying us that. Stephen Hawking's is the guy to go to. Yeah. And he's still alive. Oh no. I overflowed it. Stop. It's going to, there's piss. There's a glass of piss. Oh man. The table's all shaky. Stop. No. Hey. Sorry. I shouldn't have done that. That was my fault. That is sickening behavior. All right. That's story fucking time over slash question. Which leads us to our next segment. Matthew Brown. Gregory Brown. Wholesome. Wholesome. The headquarters are in Milton there. Oh, he's got so many employees underneath him. He's a money charge. Everyone goes to him. Oh, what am I doing today, Matthew? Oh, come into my office. He says, I will tell you what to do because I am so far up the ranks. I'm fired. You're fired. Get out of my office, cunt. And the next segment has been renamed to. Which is basically where a segment where we unbox our P.O. box. Gifts. And this week we have something that was sent to us. We don't have to pretend that something got sent to us. We were sent a letter. Oh, to Marty and Michael. I like watching your videos. That make me laugh. And you two are very funny. Keep up the amazing work you two both do. And P.S. Michael Rock roulette time. Rock roulette. Got him. From Josh. Thank you for your letter, Josh. It's beautiful. I don't know if we'll get around to sending you something back, but do you know what? He's a thank you from. We did get something else in the podcast, Joshy. Let me just get it. What's it? I don't know about that one. Oh, what's this one? So we've also been sent this. And I'm just pretending that we got sent this, but we have been sent this from someone anonymous. Not really. I just went and rolled this hairspray up in a paper towel. We sent this. We don't know what it is. It's actually a hairspray. And we'll open it now on the podcast because this is the P.O. One boxing. It sounds like you opened it. Oh my God, it's hairspray. And it's got a little. Little thing on it. And that's how you use it, I think. I'm read the instructions, but I think that's how you use it. It's hard to breathe. Anyway, that's the end of the P.O. One boxing. Thank you, Josh. No, no, no. I want to keep them for memories before I die. It's over there to keep our memories running with Bosley. On the floor. Next segment has been renamed to. And this is a segment where we. That's a reverse. That's a reverse Catholic. You just did. This is a segment where we do a stunt. Both of us do a stunt. It's equal amount of pain for both of us. It's stunt time. It's stunt time with Marty and Michael. And we're making memories. Believe in yourself. So for this week's stunts, we are going to take it in turns to shoot each other with a Nerf gun and the Nerf bullet has a thumb tag glued to the fucking end of it. No, no, no, no, no, no. I reckon scissors paper rocket because I don't want, I want a chance of getting out of it. All right. If you're going to be a fucking pussy about it. Yeah, all right. Well, scissors paper rock, the loser has to take a Nerf bullet. The loser has to drink the piss. Why are we drinking piss every week now? Okay. Okay. Oh, sorry. My mistake. Matt's going to say something. He's laughing and nodding, he's shaking his head now and he's leaning back on his chair, looking at a still. Maybe he's going to say it. Oh, he went for it. No, he's not going to say it. No. He's being concrete. He's being still now. His head's cocked back. He's not looking like he's going to say anything. Let's just wait a few more seconds. Scratching. Nothing. He's not going to say it. Try and make your teeth make sounds. The loser will take a Nerf gun. Oh, that's cute. I like the way he does that. A Nerf gun bullet to the hand and it's got a thumbtack super glue to the end of it. Okay. I will describe it as best I can for you listening on Spotify. All right. Paper scissors rock to see who gets it to the hand. I'm going to go rock. So maybe you should go, I don't know, scissors or something. All right. All right. Ready? Scissors, paper, rock. Yes. Fuck. Yes. I won now. Dude, he's good at that, Matt. See that, Matt? See that? So all right. Now I'm going to shoot Michael in the fucking hand with a fucking- Is there veins and shit in there? No, it's just nerves in your liver. Oh, okay. All right. There's so this gun here you can't see on Spotify. It's like a meter long. Oh, shit. We've got the bullets. I'm scared. Can we do the arm? I'd rather the arm. I'll shoot you wherever you fucking want to come. In here. Oh my God. That's the light. That's unbelievable. All right. So these shoot out and they stick in things. They're basically shooting a thumbtack at each other. All right. I need to stand up. Here we go. Oh, no, no, no, no. Okay. Now I'm getting nervous about Thursday because this shit's going to be on our website. Wait, wait, wait. There's water in my body. Okay, everyone. I'm ready now. I've got this aimed at Michael's dumb fucking bitch arm. All right. Ready? That's in his arm. That's in his arm. So it works. All right. Everyone, it fucking works. All right. We're giving Matt permission to shoot us whenever he wants to for the rest of the podcast. All right. Moving on to the next segment. The next segment has been renamed to... What's that? What's that? That tastes like ginger. This juice is so thick and pulpy. I'm just going to pour it down on my back. All right. It's time to run from something. We're going to run. Are you ready, Michael? We don't know what is going to be chasing us, but we're going to run. Three, two, one. Run for... Faster, my boy! Faster, let's do it! What the fuck is it? No! Why is it so big, man? Oh, it's crushed me, man. In a second. All right. The next segment has been renamed to... What's that? Oh, it tickles me. That's not going to be there, is it? You are my family. Do not do that. Break the bridge! That's the segment where we just do a prank call. Oh, here we go. Matt, this absolute cooked unit got himself fried over the weekend in Melbourne. He doesn't remember shit. Give him the hangover movie treatment and let him know what retarded shit he did. Drop him in the name Cherry Bar. Drop in the name Cherry Bar. All right. Okay. I see what you're saying. All right. This is good. I'm going to pretend to be ready. I'm going to be a considerable Peter Wallin from the Melbourne city police precinct. Yep. And we have CCTV footage of Matt. Hello. Hello. This is Peter Wallin from the Melbourne city police precinct. Is this... Am I speaking with Matthew? Yeah, this is Matthew. Right. Do you have a spare second to chat, please? What's this regarding? So, we've just been handed in some CCTV footage from the Cherry Bar there in Melbourne. And they've just got some concerns and would like to either get an admission or, you know, press charges or something just regarding some behaviour that you were involved in over the weekend. You know social distancing laws are on your eye. Okay. So, they don't give an exact date. Sorry. That's my bad. They just submitted the footage on the 18th. But it obviously must have been before all the bars and stuff closed. And they've just handed in some CCTV footage. And you've been identified, Matthew, from scanning your ID. And, yeah, they would like to press charges based on some of the behaviour. But what charges? So, there's public urination. You are recorded urinating on the front of the bar and also recorded urinating in one of the sections of the bar, the Smokers area there. So, that's the first charge and the second charge was also destruction of property where you were seen smashing some glass, schooner glasses and also breaking a chair, one of their chairs. No, that's not right at all. I haven't been to Cherry Bar in a long time. Right. We've got you on file through the ID scanning. We're in the same boat. So, a lot of the police force are at home at the moment. It takes us a lot longer to process charges and stuff like that. So, would you be willing to come down to the station and just put in a statement because the Cherry Bar management, they're pretty keen to press some charges? Yeah, I think I really want to do that at the time. Right. Well, look, mate, I'm telling you, you either come down to the station or we come and pick you up and you can make a statement. So, it's one or the other. It's not really, I'm not really asking. And yeah, we can come and pick you up in a squad car and bring you down to the station or you can just make an admission over the phone. Up to you. Yeah, you have to bring me in. All right, no worries. Well, are you around tomorrow midday? Should be midday. Okay, great. Well, I'll confirm with you and someone, an officer will call you before we send the squad car out just to make sure you're home tomorrow. And we'll bring you into the station and just we'll show you the footage and we'll get either an admission or yeah, or clear your name. But yeah, I've seen the footage and it looks pretty damning there, Matthew. Okay, yeah, fair enough. No worries. All right, mate. We'll call you tomorrow and yeah, we'll go from there, right? Yeah, all right. No worries, mate. Speak soon. See you, mate. Dude, he's going to be feeling like shit. Let's call him back. All right, we'll call him back. That's so, like, he'd be like... I didn't know where to go from there because he's sort of calling my bluff. You know what I mean? I didn't know where to... But, like, how do you know all that information? Yeah, I know. Yeah. So he'd be shitting right now. He's in, like, purgatory. He'd be shitting himself. All right, I'm going to pretend to be... Jack. Jack Black. All right, this is Jack. Say, do you want a prank show? This is Jack. Oh, Jack. Jack Black. Jack Black. Oh, yeah. Mate. I wasn't wanting to dog you in. I did you rape her. I was wanting to... Oh, it's... It's Jack. Really raped her? Did you really rape her? I fucking... I did you rape her. Dog you in the cops because you... You put your fingers in my drink, huh? Right, it's Jack. Who's this Jack? Mate, we met about six weeks ago at the cherry bar. Yeah, right. And you popped a pinky in my drink. No, I don't think so. Ha-ha! We got ya! Ha-ha! You are your prank! Prank called! Ha-ha! Oh, that's it. I was looking forward to going down and seeing some CCTV footage, actually. Yeah, I would have liked to see that, too. But no, it's just a prank call that your mate sent in. And you're on the Marty and Michael fully actual podcast. Oh, fuck, you can't say. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! So I can see. You didn't fucking fall for it. God damn it. Did you know something was up? No, because, you know, to be honest, I was like, that does sound like something that I could possibly have done. Yeah, that's what your mate said. I bet you had no idea. Ha-ha-ha-ha! So, um, yeah, now that's fucking sick. Oh, God, I wish you were freaked out a bit more than you- Ruined the prank call! Yeah, you hit the shitest prank call ever so far this season. Oh, that's all right. All right, well, thanks for, um, yeah, we just wanted to call you back and let you know that police car calling you tomorrow. Oh, damn, I was looking forward to that. Oh, yeah, everyone! All right, look, we'll call the police. We'll call the police in Melbourne. We'll get them to pick you up, all right? All right, well, fucking cheers for being a legend, mate. You fucking cool cucumber, you. Oh, thank you, man. Thanks for putting out some fucking funny shit to making us laugh. Mate, that is our pleasure. And next time we prank call you, just pretend like, you know what's, you just pretend like you're fucking freaking out, okay? It's far more entertaining. Yeah, no worries. All right, my homie, Jesus, I'll chat to you tomorrow morning. All right, catch you, mate. Bye-bye, Ig. Sex. I guess it shows sometimes is a hit and miss. Sometimes with these prank calls, it is a hit or a miss or both. It's both at the same time. He was, yeah, far too relaxed. We really can't help that. And that's why we need detailed... If we had a known what he was doing, which they could have sent, then we'd know how to fix that. So if you send just a number saying, prank me or prank my friends, shut up. Yeah, he got to give us some back. Well, that wasn't bad. They gave us a bit of info, but he was just too, he was just like, all right, whatever. He has nothing to lose. He has nothing going on in his life. He doesn't care if he gets arrested. His life would be better if he was in jail getting served three meals a day. And that's why he was so relaxed about that. So make sure you give us a number of people who have something to lose. Yeah, yeah. Even last week, the old guy was fucking... You fucked your mum. So chilled about dealing with losing it. Like, he's fucking had to pay three bucks. Yeah. It shows we need more details. We need fiery little... It also shows that we are... Also... Real. This is all real, the prank calls. And the fucking internet is so slow. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. We're the best. My piss is dribbled.