 وَأَقُولُوا فِي القُرْعَانِ مَا جَاءَتْ بِهِ آيَاتُوهُ فَهُوَ الْكَارِيمُ الْمُنْزَالُوَ وَأَقُولُوا قَالَ اللَّهُ جَلَّ جَلَالُوهُ وَالْمُصْطَافَ الْهَاديِ وَلَا أَتْ أَوَّالُوَ الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على أبت الله ورسوله نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين سوف نتحدث today about keeping ties with the relatives that don't keep ties with you and how to manage difficult relatives and problems that happen among relatives أبي هوريرا narrated رضي الله عن أن رجلا قال يا رسول الله إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَ أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقطَعُونَنِي وَأَرْسِينُوا إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيُؤُونَ إِلَيْهِ وَأَحْلُومُوا عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَيْ أمر يأتي إلى المسنجاء الله صلى الله عليه وسلم وقال لدينا رلوات أتبعوا معهم ولكنهم يتبعون مني أنا جيد لهم but they're bad to me ويأتي معهم الحلم is to not to get angry with them and not to say foolish words or not to overlook and to let things go and they treat me with great ignorance so the messenger of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم said to him لَإِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَانَّ مَا تُصِفُّهُمْ أَلْمَلَلْ وَلَا يَزَالُوا مَاكْ مِنَ اللَّهِ ضَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَا لِكْ the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said if it is as you say then it is as though you are feeding them with hot ashes and you will continue to have the help from Allah against them as long as you remain like that سبحان الله this is how we as Muslims are commanded to be to keep the ties with the ones and the relatives even if they don't keep those with us we're good to them and they're bad to us we're kind to them and they're unkind we're gentle and they're harsh we keep ties and they cut off we are required to remain in that state and as long as you remain in that state you'll be in that situation you'll have a help from Allah سبحانه وتعالى a help from Allah even against them a help from Allah and you'll be the one with the upper hand against them as long as you keep on responding to them in that way and the Prophet ﷺ described it as like feeding them in ملل رماد الحار it's like you're putting hot رماد hot ashes into their mouths and some of the scholars they said it means that they will it will hurt them that you're being so kind and so good to them even though they're being bad to you it's like they're the ones who are getting the negativity from it however the stronger opinion is that this refers to an إثم the sin that those people are getting they're going to get sin because they are being bad to you and you're being good to them they're you treating them well and overlooking and pardoning them and they're treating you with ignorance and roughness so they are getting the sin for it they are getting the sin for it and you are getting a help from Allah سبحانه وتعالى and the Prophet ﷺ even went to the extent where he showed us that keeping ties with relatives that cut off from you this is what is considered keeping ties عبد الله بن عمر ابن العاصر رضي الله عنهما narrated from the Prophet ﷺ he said ليس الواصل بالمكافئ ولكن الواصل الذي إذا قطعت رحمه وصلها أو إذا قاطعت رحمه وصلها عبد الله بن عمر ابن العاصر رضي الله عنهما narrated from the Prophet ﷺ that he said it's not the one who keeps family ties the one who does so reciprocally in other words one they keep ties with him so he keeps ties with them but the one who keeps family ties is the one that when his family cut off from him he keeps ties with them سبحان الله this is suitable to use as a قائد كلية a complete general principle in dealing with relatives family members with even with people in society with your friends with your coworkers with your neighbors with anyone that has a right over you and that's why Wallis is beautiful to bring it in this last lesson that we're going to be doing on this segment and the last lesson to finish the course إن شاء الله و تعالى that it is a قائد you can take it and you can have it as a principle to guide you in your dealings with other people that the one who really keeps ties with people isn't the one who does so when it's reciprocal the one that if they give he gives if they're kind he's kind if they thank he gives if they don't thank him he doesn't give you're not really what Islam tells you to do and if you do that with people and that's your methodology with people you won't be successful in your dealings with people you won't be able to keep good relations with people and you won't be able to interact with people you'll feel hurt by them many many times you'll feel hurt by them and you'll find that you have bad relationships with many people because your concept is if they give me I'll give them if they thank me I'll help them and that is not what Islam came with ليس الواصل بالمكافئ there's none of this issue of one for one and that's why we find in the Quran we only feed you for the sake of Allah we don't want any any reward or any thanks from you if you live your life expecting and waiting for people to reciprocate waiting for people to thank you waiting for people to give you waiting for people to be kind to you because you are kind to them then wallah take it as a mere guarantee that you're going to be disappointed and you're going to find that your relationships with people are poor and you're also going to find yourself down and depressed about people and your relationships with people the simple answer is forget about all the people and what they do for you what you do you do it for Allah do it for Allah and don't wait for people to thank you I can remember examples many examples where I remember this I came to my mind we don't want any reward or any thanks from you many times in my life where I can remember this and it came into my mind سبحان الله you did something and perhaps a person it's not that they didn't thank you perhaps they would insult you سبحان الله perhaps they would back by you you went out of your way to help a person and then the person the reward they gave you is they back by you to everybody after you went out of your way to help them and you get worked up by it and you start to say oh this person you know how could they do this after everything I've done for them stop إنما نطعمكم لواجه الله لا نريد منكم جزاء ولا شكور I don't want any jaza from you if I'll mash it do whatever you want I want my jaza from Allah سبحانه وتعالى I don't want your شكر I don't want you to say thank you I don't mind if you're grateful or you're not grateful of course if you do something good and they're grateful but that's not the purpose the purpose is what is with Allah so leave waiting for people to be good to you oh my relatives are so difficult because they're not good to me doesn't matter if they're good to you or not give your concern to what is with Allah but don't give your concern to what is with people if you always wait for this مكافة this one for one exchange reciprocal kindness then you're going to wait a very long time with the majority of any Adam there are some people who are people of إحسان and people who are people of أخلاق with good manners and good etiquettes all of those people will not let you down be in the light of Allah but most of the people you will find that you are good and they are bad you are kind and they are rude you are soft and gentle and they are harsh you do إحسان and they do إساءة to you you do good to them and they do bad to you that's what you're going to find from most human beings most people are going to be like that so never ever wait and remember this قارد this principle take it as a principle that you can live your life by everything with regard to your relationship with your spouse with regard to your children your parents, your relatives your colleagues, your coworkers your neighbors don't expect this everything you do will be reciprocated that they will do the same back to you they will give the same kindness to you and there is an ayah or a series of ayah which give an amazing methodology for dealing with a relative or a family member who you're finding trouble with them and difficulty with them الله عز وجل said ولا تستوي الحسنة ولا السيئة إدفع باللتي here أحسن فإذا الذي بينك وبينه عداوة كأنه ولي حميم وما يلقاها إلا الذين صبروا وما يلقاها إلا ذو حظ عظيم وإما ينزغنك من الشيطان نزغ فاستعذ بالله إنه هو السمير عنين the good deed and the bad deed on eco respond in a way that is better when you do so the one that there is enmity between you and them will become like your closest friend if you want to turn the one who is negative positive and you want to repair bridges that have been burnt down and you want to keep ties with your relatives even when they break ties with you إدفع باللتي here أحسن always respond in a way that is better and that's why you can take that principle and relate it to the statement of the prophet س. إملي سلوى سلوب المكافئ and also to the hadith that we heard before that أحسنوا إليهم ويسيون إليهم that I'm good to them and they're bad to me I keep ties with them they cut off from me I speak to them kindly with words of forgiveness and patience and forbearance and they behave ignorant towards me إدفع باللتي here أحسن be the one with the moral high ground be the one who responds in the best possible way someone treats you badly treat them well someone backbites you speak good about them someone says evil about you say good about them someone treats you badly treat them well someone causes difficulty for you try to make things easy for them إدفع باللتي here أحسن respond in the way that is better إذا الذي بينك وبينه عداوة the one that there is some enmity between you and them كأنه وليون حمي become like your closest friend like your best ally وما يلقاها إلا الذين صدروا but the people who get this you won't be.. not everybody is able to do this not everybody in fact the ayah indicates that a minority of people are able to do this not everyone has the توفيق from Allah to apply إدفع باللتي here أحسن respond in the way that is better وما يلقاها إلا الذين الصبعوا the only people who will be able to do this are the people of patience وما يلقاها إلا ذو حظين عظيم and the one that has a big giant portion of good from Allah that's the one who will be able to do it it's not easy for you and it's not easy for people to be able to respond to the one that is harsh and hard towards you with kindness to be able to respond to the one that cuts you off by keeping ties with them to be able to make ease for the one who made difficulty for you that's not everyone has the ability and that is سنة النبوية it's a prophetic methodology وما يلقاها إلا ذو حظين عظيم وما ينزغنك من الشيطان نزغن فاستعذ بالله and when you're trying to do this if the shaitan causes you to slip up the shaitan causes you to fall below your standards you had set for yourself إدفع باللتي here أحسن that's what I'm going to do I'm going to do it I'm going to do it I'm going to do it إدفع باللتي here أحسن that's what I'm going to do they treat me badly I'm going to treat them well إدفع باللتي here أحسن I'm going to do that but if you sometimes fall short sometimes you slip up and you didn't do what you wanted فاستعذ بالله seek refuge with Allah from الشيطان الرجيم عوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم عوذ بالله السميع العليم من الشيطان الرجيم إدفع بالله إنهو السميع العليم الله is the one who hears everything and Allah is the one who knows everything so this should be the way that we it should be the way that we deal with people it should be the way that we set ourselves out to respond in the way that is better and to be the ones with the moral high ground and to realize that not every time are you able to do this it's a success to be able to do this sometimes you slip up and when you do realize that this is from the الشيطان that it is something from the الشيطان that he put between you that you slipped up and you weren't able to respond in the way that was better and the way that was the moral high ground in the sight of Allah سبحانه وتعالى there is no doubt that this has some فق to it there are some areas where you have to understand this certain understanding and you have to apply your Islamic knowledge particularly when you overlooking and forgiving causes the person to increase in their because the Prophet سبحانه وتعالى said help your brother whether he's an oppressor or an oppressed and the Sahaba said we know a messenger of Allah if he's oppressed we should help him but what about if he's a violent and the Prophet told them to stop that person from their stop them from making fun so there are where you might have to take a slightly different approach if you see that your approach isn't helping that other person but still that approach will not go outside of because even by sometimes when you have to take a different approach or you have to remind the person or you have to give them advice you're still responding in the way that is better the way they're responding to you in terms of being ignorant and behaving in an ignorant way and you're responding to them by looking out for their interest trying to stop them from their volume and trying to help them to move away from the oppression that they are doing you have an excellent example in Yusuf عليه السلام remember when his brothers were jealous of him and they saw that their father يعقوب عليه السلام prefer Yusuf over them and they plotted and they kidnapped him they threw him into the well and they told his father that he had been eaten by a wolf and then Yusuf was taken into slavery and into Egypt and then into prison and then he came to be in a position of authority in Egypt and he saw his brothers and then even after that when his brothers said about him that he فقد سرق أخ لهم قبل that Yusuf they said that he had stolen before they said about his younger brother that if he stole then Yusuf his other brother used to steal before فأصرها يوسف في نفسه and Yusuf he kept it in himself and he didn't say anything ولم يوبديها لهم and he didn't expose it to them and then what did he say when he gathered his brothers together when they said to him أنك لأنت يوسف قال أنا يوسف وهذا أخي I am Yusuf and this is my brother what did he say there is no blame on you today يغفر الله لك may Allah forgive you وهو أرحم الراحمين and he is the most merciful of those who show mercy سبحان الله look at the sabr it said 40 years past between Yusuf having the dream that he told to his father and between the dream coming true of his father and his mother entering Egypt and they bowed to him and he said this is the explanation of my dream that came before they said 40 years past 40 years of sabr 40 years of what happened to Yusuf in that time and he said to his brothers يغفر الله لكم وهو أرحم الراحمين don't take no blame upon you today I am not going to hold it against you today may Allah forgive you and he is the most merciful of those who show mercy and any one who can implement that with their relatives and their family and can take that as their methodology as the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم did with his enemies then this person will be truly truly successful and Allah سبحانه وتعالى will correct all of the problems that are between them and ultimately when you correct what is between you and Allah that's when Allah سبحانه وتعالى will correct what's between you and the people if your heart is sincere towards Allah سبحانه وتعالى رحم الله وتعالى كان العلماء وفي ما مضى يكتبون بعضهم إلى بعض هؤلاء الكلمات the scholars of the past they used to write to one another with these words من أصلح سريرته أصلح الله وعلانيته whoever corrects their inner self and their private self Allah will correct their public self and what is from the open and what is from the open ومن أصلح ما بينه وبين الله أصلح الله ما بينه وبين الناس and whoever corrects what is between them and Allah Allah will correct what is between them and between all of the people ومن أعمل لآخرةه كفاه الله أمر دنيا and whoever acts for their آخرة Allah will take care of their دنيا and I think that's a beautiful quote to end with and that brings us to the end of the course on the Muslim family سبحان الله we started off with this course intending to be fairly short and I remember we discussed it being only a few lessons a couple of weeks worth of lessons and Allah سبحانه وتعالى made it easy for us to cover the content that we covered and actually in reality there are many many more things that we could have covered many more things that could have been said and by no means is it comprehensive and by no means should it be seen as comprehensive actually there are many a hadith that we didn't cover and many statements of the Salaf al-Salih and we didn't cover many ayat of the Quran that we didn't talk about the Tafseer of them on these different topics but this is what Allah has made easy for us to mention whatever I said in this course that was correct and that is a grace and a blessing from Allah سبحانه وتعالى and whatever I said that was wrong and it was a mistake then Allah عز و جل and his messengers صلى الله عليه وسلم they don't have anything to do with that that shouldn't reflect upon Islam in any way there remains one segment of the course إن شاء الله وتعالى and that is a short Q&A بإذن الله يتعالى so we've asked the students to submit their questions to questions at amu.org and they've put in the subject the Muslim family no doubt that there'll be a cut-off point because there'll be people who will see this message late and they might send an email after it's already been done but there'll come a particular time a particular date, probably we'll leave a few days for people to send their questions about the course on the topic of the course things they might not have understood comments, even areas where I might have made a mistake if you're more than welcome send an email إن شاء الله and we will try to deal with all of that in a Q&A episode or episodes depending on how long it takes إن شاء الله وتعالى and that will be released some days after the final episode in the courses released which is this one that we're doing right now that's what Allah made easy for me to mention we ask Allah to bless us all in our families to correct for us our family ties to correct for us our spouses and our children to make us obedient to our parents and to make us from those who keep ties with their relatives we ask Allah to forgive us our mistakes that's what Allah made easy for me to mention and Allah knows best والصلاة والسلام على نبي إنه محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين السلام عليكم if you're enjoying these videos and you'd like to keep up to date www.mauathome.com