 We don't have a word for this particular kind of person. So we have a word for women, we say gold diggers, and those are people that we understand are chasing after people who have money. Now, a gold digger is actually a gold pursuer, if anything, I mean diggers actually a fine word too, because digging is a manual job. You have to take effort, it takes tools, it takes time, it's not an easy thing. When I was saying gold tripper, they didn't just stumble upon it, they had to actively pursue the gold. And these women go to the weekends, they go to the events, they go to the bars where these people are, like they put themselves in position to meet a certain kind of man. Now we have the same thing for male podcasters where you're putting yourself in a position to be surrounded by a certain kind of woman. And not because you're a traditional high value man that they would go after, but because you're digging and you're purposefully putting yourself in a position to be viewed. And again, the power dynamics is kind of skewed in that place because you're interviewing them. And so there is a inherent pressure to try to impress or to answer questions in a certain way, which can throw up the power dynamics. And again, make you appear like you have more perceived value than you actually do in the real world. And through this, and people watching you obviously that validates you and then you get more value. But I don't actually know if like boiled down, you are the people that you're talking about. What up lovers and friends? Okay, so it's the end of the month, it's been a month, but we're getting through it. And to end the month off, I have my second Squarespace integration. Always shout out to you Squarespace. And I asked all of you, how did you want me to use it? What did you want me to talk about? And the DJ academics, Brittany Renner, Fresh and Fit interview came up a lot. And I watched it and I completely understand why. And through watching that, I got interested and watched some other perspectives that they shared. And so I wanted to do a little response video to several of the think pieces, schools of thoughts, rhetoric, philosophies, sophistories, shared perspectives. And yeah, let's go. It's a new year and the perfect time to remind you that now is the time to bring your next big idea to life. And if you're going to do a big, do it with the sponsor of this video, Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one platform to build a beautiful, powerful online presence today. So go to squarespace.com slash shamboody to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash shamboody. Get 10% off. When you get a top tier guy, guess what? Every other woman is gonna want him and you have to accept the uncomfortable reality that you're gonna have to share him sexually. Anybody who is maneuvering under the banner of being a dating expert or coach or guru or societal commentator who makes statements like these and does not back it up with context is doing everybody a massive disservice because we need to ask the question, why? Why is it that there is an elite group of men who have options? So many options of women that once you achieve a certain level of financial success and career stability, all of a sudden the dating pool opens up to you. And the answer is actually a pretty depressing one that the problem has been persisting since the 1980s when women began to outperform men when it came to enrollment in post-secondary school. And now women are outperforming men in graduation rates from post-secondary school, from graduate schools, and so on and so forth. And men are being left behind scholastically. And this is a huge issue and continues to be a huge economic issue that we're facing where more women are doing well and are viable workers. And as a result of that, there's something actually called the Golden Penis Syndrome. And please look it up, you haven't heard of it before. But it's a term that was coined at a college where the ratio from men to women was three to one. Every three women, three heterosexual straight women, there was one heterosexual straight man who was also in college. So by nature of that, that one man is going to have a plethora of options because it's a numbers game. And if that man graduates and is successful, he is competing with not just women who are of his equally yoked status, but then other women as well too, who wanna be with somebody who is successful. So the problem is that we need to encourage more men to rise to the occasion. And I'm so frustrated with seeing blogs that ask women to lower their standards. And that's the dialogue, rather than encouraging men to better themselves. And I know that can sound anti-man, it can sound, I wanna say the word toxic feminist, but it comes and is rooted from the exact opposite place. I love men, I want men to succeed and I have far too many men anecdotally in my family who fall within the storyline that I'm telling. I know far too many friends who are men anecdotally who fall within the storyline of this. And we need to be rising men up and encouraging them to better themselves because we shouldn't have to fight for five people who are equally yoked partners. And when we ask women to lower their standards, it's because we think that women have very little and are asking for a lot. But the true statistical truth is that most women are just looking for a partner who is of the same financial and educational status as them. And that's hard to find. And so when we're asking women to accept cheating, what we're saying is let's keep the numbers as is, let's keep everything as is, let's not address the real issue here and instead come up with these toxic band-aids. So I'm tired of seeing male experts who are not encouraging and uplifting their audience and instead going for women who are not their target demographic and telling them that they're the problems and their standards is the problems. That is not what the issue is. Women need to put their ego aside and understand that men are gonna exercise options, especially when it gets to a certain point. But if you have the main title, it is what it is. And this. Where I will say that women might need to put their ego aside given our current social climate and given the disparity that we have right now in terms of economic achievement and scholastic achievement, between the two sexes, women might have to change their mindset from I want a man who makes X amount of dollars to I want to be with somebody where we make X amount of dollars, which is why I'm a very big fan of uplifting men who have a trade. You know, a lot of men who are very successful will look for partners, romantic or otherwise, who maybe are not equally yoked to them in terms of their earning potential, but they have a skill, they have a drive, they have a talent that can co-opt what they're doing and together, they can rise and make something bigger. And I know, and I'm a part of a circle of so many women who are with men who weren't necessarily equal earners at the time that they got together, but that person had a trade. They had a skill and they had a work ethic and the two of them together created a very successful household. So the ego check for me that I don't want to tell any woman to lower your standards or lessen yourself or cheapen yourself or accept behaviors that you know are going to be detrimental to your mental health and as a result, detrimental to the health of the relationship, that is not the solution here. Given the fact that we can't snap our fingers right now and put everybody on equal educational playing field, the one thing that we can do is shift what we look at as success. And so uplifting more men who have a trade, uplifting more men who aren't necessarily traditionally educated or set up to achieve a certain level of success on their own and seeing how the two of you can work together and again, focusing on household success and household financial goals rather than individual partner earning potential. That makes sense. That's what I'm saying. A lot of women think they're sugar and spice and everything nice and I'm fucking special. Y'all are really not that special, man. A lot of girls are the same, same box, same vagina, whatever it is. I mean, this special thing, people aren't special and women aren't special thing. I mean, he's not wrong. Can't be wrong because the whole purpose of specialness is that somebody makes a conscious or unconscious decision that someone or something for reasons that are inexplicable is extraordinary to them, is unique to them. So in order for something to be special, you have to make that personal decision that it's special to you. And if you have the inability to do that and everything is the same to you and you can't differentiate one from the other and your brain doesn't have the capacity to uplift or make a deeper connection with someone or something, then that's your experience. I can't really debate you on that, right? Similarly, if I spoke with somebody who was on the autistic spectrum, our understanding or our experiences with social connections might be very different. I'm not gonna debate that person and say, well, mine is right, your experience is your experience and if you have the inability to create a special bond with somebody or to see a person as special, I would look at that as an evolutionary defect that's possibly at play because love is a pair bonding mechanism and as a result of that, love is actually a function of evolution, it's a function of our biological makeup because in order for us to band together and to build communities and to build families which is why we are such an incredible species who continues to grow and thrive and share information and create societies in order for us to do all that, love is actually the basic biological glue that does that because it says that beyond reason and comprehension, I will devote myself to sharing my resources with this individual over that individual because some things are finite and so if I have to go and collect water, I have a finite amount in that bucket, I have to make a decision on who gets that water. So I have to pick somebody in my brain who is special to me and if you can't do that, yeah, like I said, that might be something more to do with brain makeup than with a mass commentary on the facts of life. Because to get to that same emotional point, to have sex with another chick because you can still love your girl the same and go have sex with other women, it does not work the other way around them, that's why cheating with from women is unforgivable but from a guy, it ain't that big a deal man, like if that's what it was, now that I know that it was just cheating, I'm like, what are you doing? You better go call him right now. Oh my God, I said yeah, that's it, that's it. I just wanted to run through in case they were gonna say something different but it's the same thing that everybody says and not everybody but there is a massive, popular thought system out there that women desire sex less than men. Women's libido is lower and as a result, if they do desire sex, it has to be driven from an emotional connection or from some other kind of emotional motivation like spite, that it can't possibly be that she was just turned on and overcome by her sexual drive and emotions and acted on it. And there has been so many incredible advancements in the past five years to really debunk these myths but if you need some more concrete proof, there is a book from a top sex researcher, Daniel Berger who not only did he share his own but he went and researched top sex researchers around the world and included interviews and stats and studies that found that so much of what we think about women's sexual arousal and desire is based on a social concept, it's not based on biology. And to give a brief anecdote, they did one study where they had women watch a variety of different kinds of porn and like erotic material and then women had to self-report if they were turned on but they also had a way of testing their physiological responses like how was their body responding to this stimuli? And many women would self-report that they were not turned on but their bodies told a different story of elevated heart rates and of arousal levels going up and blood volume beginning to pump faster and so that tells us is that many women are out of touch with their own sexual desires because they have been told to detach themselves from their sexual desire if they want to be a good woman. And I again think that the shifts that we're seeing in the past few years can also be seen in the porn industry. When I was coming up, I watched porn a lot in my teens but I was socialized to believe that porn was a male dominated industry that it was this place that men went to to see their fantasies and their perversions acted out and they directed it for each other and they wrote it for each other they had women who they hired to come into it but it was really like a for them, by them viewed by them club. Now we obviously have the ethical porn movement where we've got more women who are directing films more women who are funding films who are owning different studios and cinemas and creating the kind of erotic content that they want. We're just creating erotic content that they feel good about because we acknowledge that women like porn too and porn hubs stats and studies of who's consuming porn each year the women porn viewership continues to rise as social acceptance for the fact that women like porn continues to rise. So what does that tell you? Does that mean that women inherently are not aroused in that way or that when we give women the space to act on their sexual desires and want we see a dramatic increase? So this cons or this rhetoric that we constantly place that which I understand from an evolutionary biology standpoint, right? That women have more of a responsibility if they do get pregnant and men can impregnate in multiple women all times a day and their social responsibility is less because they may not be saddled with the baby in the same way but they should feel a parental obligation which again is like an evolutionary draw that you should have but some people don't and they forego that. Nonetheless, I understand that. However, we should also know that women are only ovulating 12 to 24 hours a month. So we don't have to walk around all the time constantly assessing whether or not somebody will be a romantic fit. Furthermore, we have had birth control options now for going close to over 50 years at this point. So there also has been adjustments made in that way where we don't have to carry on that same responsibility of each partner potentially leading on to a full-time commitment or a lifelong commitment through a child. That to be said, we should not continue the messaging that women only cheat if there's an emotional connection. The real scientific formula to people who cheat are people who are high novelty seekers and have low conscientiousness. So people who make up their own rules and don't necessarily have shared moral code and people who like new shit a lot. People who are stimulated constantly need new food, new environments, new friends. So if you have that combination of person, regardless of gender, that is the person who is more inclined to cheat. There has not really been any hard proof that when you decrease the socialization around sexual desire, that women desire and want sex with multiple partners any less than men do. Like they'd have called. Me and Fresher aren't really down with the brown like that. We ain't night writers. So I'm good. You know, sometimes if they're, you know, red bone, but like in general, me and Fresher don't dabble in the dark, if you know what I'm saying. Yep. I think it's sad. We all think it's sad when we see clips like this and to give a why to it, we think of attraction as this thing that happens between two people. Like I see you, you see me, we experience some kind of bodily response to each other. There's an instant connection that's unspeakable and it feels like it's very insular. But the real truth is that attraction is something that happens because of billions of people and stimulation and information. Meaning that every time that I experience that draw towards somebody, it has little to do with them and more to do with the messaging that promotes someone like them as attractive and worthy of being attracted to. So if you find yourself not being attracted to a particular type of person, has nothing to do with that person's attractiveness and everything to do with what you've been exposed to, what you choose to expose yourself to. Now in a world, 10 years ago where we had very little control over our exposure levels because we didn't have social media, so you were fed whatever was fed on TV, whatever was in the magazine covers and conversations that were being had were being led by certain characters and movie stars, fucking musicians, whatever. But now that we have the ability to be our own content directors and we can pick and choose, if you are selecting to uplift a particular group and you are choosing to view and consume content only for a particular group that has to do with your biases and your prejudices and your bigotry. So if you have got strong preferences of people based on race, that is not something that you can chalk up to the stars or to just, it just is, people can't control their attraction. You can and you have chosen to control it and you have chosen to favor some people over the other and you really need to do some deep digging to ask yourself, why, especially when we reject people who have the same features and culture and upbringing as us if we, yeah, especially for that. I think overall, when I see the kinds of dialogues that are being inspired by content like this, it makes me feel like there's a massive call for humility on all sides, right? Like there's this desire right now to be right and in order to be right, you have to create a very clear case for why another massive group of people are wrong and why they're bad and what you're doing is good. Which I think you just have to ask yourself, are you individually in a circumstance that is favorable to you? Do you, are you your own role model on the topics that you speak about? And if you're not, then you have a lot in common with your audience and that humility of coming down from this mountaintop of advice and perspective and instead being curious and asking more questions about why and then figuring out brick by brick how we change our circumstances. And I don't know if it does shift with like the current sort of like push and pull and aggressive landscape that we're in right now. Cause I love the fact that we're having so many conversations around relationships. I love the fact that dating is now a mainstream topic. I just feel like we're doing it in an irresponsible where people aren't winning and the core message is that each group needs to hear is being missed. And to me, if I said nothing else in this video, the one thing that I would say is that check on the men in your life, check on the mental health and wellness of the men in your life, encourage them to pursue their dreams, encourage them to go and get an education, to get a trade, to better themselves in hard ways that no one else can take away from them, you know, that is based on individual merit and skill that they have achieved. Anecdotally, I was in New York this summer and it was incredible to me because I would walk around, you know, to we're just walking on the street in New York and we were in the Soho district and I saw so many, if I'm speaking particularly on a group, which is the Fresh and Fit group of black men, but I saw so many black women together in restaurants, like affluent restaurants that were like impossible to get reservations and like that also reminds me of the stat that we saw a couple years ago where black women are amongst the group of the highest educated and as a result are putting themselves in positions to be top earners, to be lifestyle changes, you know, for themselves and for their families and it was, it made me feel really proud, like wow, look at all these black women who are sitting amongst, you know, white people and sitting amongst, you know, Asian people who have historically done well in this country for themselves when it comes to finances, I saw very few black men at those tables, not sitting with the black women and definitely not, you know, amongst other groups and so that kind of spoke to me about what the problem is. And then again, going back to the mental health piece of it, I also think about with the Fresh and Fit podcasters in particular, knowing I actually knew Ian King, which is Regina King's son who recently took his own life and I knew Ian about a few years ago and I was devastated by the news, I was devastated for Regina, but I'm devastated by the news because it was the story of another young black man whose mental health was just not getting the attention that it deserved and in order for us to make that shift, we have to make an active effort to model what looking after your mental health looked like and if you are a black man who's putting yourself in a position to be a leader for other people, I think that you should feel that responsibility and that's my final thought on it. Thank you for watching. Let's talk. So it's 2022 and we are thrilled to continue our partnership with Squarespace, a service that we've been using for the past four years. So I used it to build my website, I used it to build my book website and recently Lauren used it to build her website. Squarespace is user-friendly, even for me who's not a coder, I find it really easy to customize. You have a beautiful template selection, you have blogging tools and amazing in-depth analytics. And if you have a mailing list, look into switching over to Squarespace because it is way more cost efficient and has more modern templates than other mailing list providers. Go to squarespace.com slash shambudy to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Again, go to squarespace.com slash shambudy to get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Break in the back, break in the back Head out here for that, dig in the way Pull out a stack, flip it and get in the bag After parties, rockin' future down We so tipsy now, it's so couple more shots of brown Big bags in love, wearin' chinchilla One time I'm a sinner, but that is shit on my mom I'm a slave