 I just got back from seeing Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, here's my thoughts. Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, just to summarize, is not good. It may be my least favorite Jurassic Park movie yet, and that's saying a lot. Just so we're clear, Jurassic Park 1 is one of my favorite movies of all time, possibly my favorite. I go back and forth on a few. Jurassic Park Lost World, I do not like it all. I kind of hate it. Jurassic Park 3 is just as stupid. I only like it more than 2 because it's shorter. That's the only reason. And there's two dinosaur neck snaps in it, which is just ludicrous and awesome, all the same. Jurassic World is fine. It's better than the other two crappy ones. It's nowhere near Jurassic Park 1. And now we have Lost Kingdom, takes place after the fallout of the first, the islands and ruins. Humans have to go back and save the dinosaurs from the poachers who are going to sell them. This movie starts out really good. It's ominous. It's dark. It's kind of scary. There's creatures lingering off in the distance. You don't know what it is, which is always far scarier than what you actually know what it is. But that's very short-lived. Then we have a bunch of island shenanigans, which are actually really good. It's moving really fast. And I'm thinking, holy crap, if this keeps its momentum, this could be a top tier Jurassic Park movie. We could have a real good return to form. I loved all the island stuff. All 30 to 40 minutes of it is spectacular. Yeah, it's silly. It's nonsense, but it's fun. It's gripping. It's engaging. But the problem is there's another hour and 15 minutes to go. And all of that is pretty awful for me. In the five or six people I went with, my wife hated it easily. Her least favorite. She just kept rattling off all these things that made no sense, which for her says a lot because usually she can forgive a lot more than I do. My kid's Connor, he's six. He thought it was not great either. I thought for sure he would have loved it, but he's like, it wasn't scary. I want some thrills. I want some chills. He's a big Jurassic Park one-pirus, but he does like Jurassic World a lot. The last one. He thought that was really good. Olivia loved it. She's nine. She thought it was great because what happens here is in this one the dinosaurs are more the victims and the heroes. They really play up that aspect, which is fair. That's fine. I'm an animal sympathizer. I don't think it's cool when people go out and hunt and then like mount the head or take a photo next to one. I'll gladly eat the meat that you provide, but I don't need to see how it's made, you know? When you see the conveyor belt of McDonald's cows getting slaughtered, just hand me my Big Mac, let me live in my happy place. Although that's not really what I'm saying. I'm saying McDonald's can slaughter all the animals they want. I just don't want to see Ronald McDonald's like wearing a chain necklace with the remains like the cow hooves. I mean, I think that's just fucked up, and that's kind of what hunters do. They're like skull fucking deer head and they're like, look what I did. And then they just throw the meat away. That's just shit. You're a shit person. I'm sorry. Anyway, there's some of that in the movie, like the hunters collecting the teeth. He makes a Donald Trump nasty woman throwaway comment that's really stupid. There's a ton of dumb stuff in it. And not stupid because they're making fun of Trump, but stupid because it was just so out of place. And you could tell it was just the writer was like, oh, I got to get a jab in there because nobody else is doing that. The first half, maybe the first third, I guess, is really good, or I at least really liked it. There's dinosaurs battling. There's chases. There's all the things that you want from a dinosaur movie. But when they get to the mansion that you see in the trailers and the dinosaur, what the hell they call this stupid one, idonoraptor, something like that. When that's like stalking around and trying to be scary, it's not working at all. There's so many stupid fucking moments that I won't give away. Maybe I'll talk about it in the spoiler section if I do one, but this movie doesn't care enough to provide any sort of logical structure to its story. So why should I care enough to even talk about that non-structure? The dinosaurs look better, I think, here than they did in Jurassic World. There's definitely a lot of CG going on, but it looked like there was a bit more animatronics at play, especially when there's closer shots of the T-Rex and some of the bigger dinosaurs. There's, like I said, a couple of darker, scarier tensor moments that were missing from Jurassic World. I don't remember really any, and I kind of like Jurassic World, I just, I don't know why. It's not good. I just, you know what, I'm a sucker for dinosaur movies. Let me get that out of the way. Even though I don't really like many of these Jurassic Park films, I still have seen them a bunch of times, because they're fucking dinosaur movies. So I'm already half in. You only have to get me halfway. It's like, we're gonna watch Lost World again. Oh, the movie with that stupid girl that does gymnastics and kicks a raptor out the window. Okay, I'll watch that. Fine, because there's an awesome 30-minute scene where people fall to their doom instead of an RV while two T-Rexes are gang-banging the thing. That's gonna drive me home. The humans kind of all suck. There's some new recruits. They don't do a whole lot, and then they just kind of unceremoniously leave at some point. I don't even know what happened to them, honestly. At the end of the movie, I don't even remember where they went, or care. You have Star-Lord, who's smoldering his way through this whole film, constantly doing those kind of confused sexy eyes, and he does this so goddamn much. I almost thought his hand was stuck like it. It's like, come on, blue. Come on, blue. And he uses his accent maybe 15% of the film, that Southern draw. He has it once in a while, but then it's gone. Then you have Ron Howard's daughter, what's her name? What's her name in real life? Titty McTitterson, her bags are out for almost the entire film, which I guess that'll get you in the seats. That gets people in the seats. She's just ridiculous with this. In the first movie, she's a total bitch. She doesn't care about the kids. She just wants to run this park. She just wants to make sure everything's working all the time. She works around the clock, has no interest in seeing the kids until the end of the film. And then in this one, she's suddenly just this loving, caring, nurturing person, and she loves the dinosaurs more than anything else. She wants to get back to the island, she wants to save them. It doesn't fit with her character. You can have a change of heart, but her personality is completely different. She looks completely different somehow, the makeup or something. I don't know. But there's nothing about this character that's remotely similar to the last movie. This is one of those rant videos where I'm just going to kind of complain to make myself feel better and just shit on a movie for no reason. If you like it, great. There's plenty to like. There's dinosaurs in it. That's enough for some people. So most of the dinosaurs are gone by the second half and you're just left with the one that's not even based off of a real creature. So there's also that. Blue is a goddamn superhero in this one. If you didn't think he was ridiculous enough in the last film, hang on tight. I'm not going to tell you not to see it or to go see it. That's not what I do. Just, you know, you have your own decision to make, make up your mind, come back here and listen to my spoiler talk, which is starting now. We're going to jump past everything on the island because that stuff's all good. Even the silly stuff when, you know, there's like a T-Rex fighting another one while they're going down a hill and there's a volcano chasing them and Chris Pratt's like comically running by go. Still cool. I'm going to skip past all that. We're going to go to when they get to the mansion because that's where I think things really fall apart. I'm just going to go right on and say it. Why the fuck is this girl a clone and why should I care? Why is this in the movie? This is a dinosaur movie, not a clone movie about people all of a sudden. That's a quick jump. That's a big leap. This girl's a clone? What the fuck? And why? Why was there so much time dedicated to her stupid, mysterious story that nobody cares about? There was zero investment in that character. And then you have the old man where they do the whole thing where he's like, oh yeah, John. John, I remember him. We were best friends. We had this vision together. Really? Because John never mentioned you once, you old piece of shit. And his story goes nowhere. He's killed off unceremoniously. The girl's left to cry and scream and go be with Chris Pratt and Howard. I don't know why don't I remember her name? I don't remember her name, Ron Howard's daughter. I don't remember anything about her. I can't remember it. Okay. It's going to come back to me in the middle of the night. I'm going to wake up at two in the morning and I'm going to go, it's her. Bryce Dallas Howard nailed it. Okay. So Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, they have their on again off again relationship that's so cliche. She rolls up to Chris Pratt just working on the ranch, working on building his new home. In the first one, he's fixing a motorcycle. You know, this guy's salt to the earth, just a, just a blue collar worker making ends meet. And here she comes rolling up and he's like, you know, wipes the sweat off the brow. He's like, here we go again. She just can't stay away from me. I got a, got a little bit of a, a draw now I'm going to get rid of it in a sec. So random all over the place. But yes. So presumably this girl's with them now and now they are, they're a stable couple even though they instantly fought about living out of his car or some shit. And so she left him, but they weren't even sure who broke up with who. Yeah. That's a good, that's a good relationship to put this girl into this clone baby girl. What a dumb plot that was. Every one of these Jurassic Park movies that isn't the first, because I have nostalgia blinders on, has a really stupid section or two, you know, like the gymnastic girl or in Jurassic Park three, when the fucking raptor goes, Alan, and it's a dream, still stupid. This one has one with a hammerhead. I can't remember the name of the dinosaur. I'm terrible with names today, but the one with the chrome dome, he runs slams into walls, somehow Chris Pratt's character, Ewan or whatever, Smolder guy, Gus, Charlie Chip, something like that. His only ability is to get dinosaurs to do stuff just by going like, by whistling or by going, he's a little clacker, a little clapper thing. But there's a hammerhead on the other side. I know that's not what it is. That's a shark. But he's just going like, come on. And the things just smashed in its head into this brick wall for an eternity. Finally gets through. He's dodging it. And then this thing just goes on a rampage, eventually ending by like sliding up to the camera and winking. It's not that on the nose, but it's pretty close. And blue does this like half a dozen times. Blue is indestructible. He takes on not only the Indominus Rex in the last movie, but this new one that's even, I guess, better. I think he's better except for Pratt's character thinks he can't see in the dark for some reason. He shuts off all the lights. Or is it a female or all the dinosaurs still female? Are we still doing that? Like in the first. No, they moved past that a while ago because they found a way. I don't know. This whole thing is a fucking mess. I mean, I guess props for for continuing on that awful, terrible, stupid storyline from Jurassic World where the military guys like, we're going to weaponize dinosaurs. We're going to weaponize them because that makes the most sense. Not using technology, not using drones that we can mass produce and not have to worry about turning on us like these fucking dinosaurs do. No, no, no, no, no, no, we want to we want to weaponize these guys, maybe a mount some Gatlin guns on them, a saddle, ride them around in war. That's where we're going. So they they kind of keep that going because they bring back the scientists from Jurassic Park One, who was kind of like a nice happy guy. He's like, oh, there's no there's no males on this island. They're only females. You know, they're bred that way. And then then he turns in Jurassic World. He's like, I've created the most evil dinosaur ever for money. And I'm horrible. And to be fair, I did read the books and he is a lot worse than those than he is in Jurassic Park One. But still, there's no consistency here. There was a part. I don't know if they did this for the trailer to make people go, no way. What's going on here? Where Bryce Dallas Howard, Titi McTitterson points her gun at Chris Pratt at at Charlie and he's got the laser on him because that's what makes this this vicious beast attack people is you point the laser and then you push a button. It's technology. You could do that with a fucking drone geniuses, a drone. They make a drone joke in it so they know what they are. For some reason, Titi's points it at him with the assumption that they're on the same wavelength. I mean, which she was right. They were because he runs headlong into this snarling beast. Slides down underneath the creature. He knows the creature is going to jump because that's what creatures do. They pounce. He pounces over him. This super smart, super fast, super heavy beast jumps over him into the glass, almost falls down, but grabs on. The baby blue jumps on top. Bada bing, bada bing, bada boom, bada penis. He's dead. But what the fuck? Why didn't she just point the laser at the glass and push the button? The thing has to do what they say. She could have pointed it in oncoming traffic and pushed the button. She could have pointed it at the garbage disposal and then at the switch had the beast turn it on and then at the garbage disposal and he could just slowly kill himself. There's a lot of things she could have done. Get creative with it. Point it under the car. Have it walk over and lay under it. She just slowly backs over him. We'll go again. Why didn't the creature leave? Just get out of town if it's so smart. I don't know. You could pick this thing apart a million different ways. Bottom line is I just wasn't invested. The island stuff was great, but then they got off the island and it was just over for me. I just found myself bored, wondering why things were happening the way they were. Why did they imprison boobs and hand pop? Why didn't they just shoot them both? Because the guy even says they died in that volcano. Let's just be clear, but we're going to just have them in this prison to rot forever because I just don't have time for this right now. I think that was the thing. Nice of Goldblum to show up for two minutes to cash a check. What a cock tease that was. He narrates a couple things and that's it. He's out. There's a ton more I could complain about. A lot of things are just kind of rushing through my head right now, but I'm going to leave it there. I think I said some of the highlights for me at least that I noticed. I will be putting together a movie feud episode for this. We'll probably do Jurassic World 1 versus 2 because that was one in the polling that I did on the YouTube community tab. That's where I do things now for a little while at least until YouTube inevitably gets rid of that. I'd say the only thing that really piqued my interest was the ending when the dinosaurs are finally able to run free because the girl let them out because she's a clone like them so she can sympathize because she's a clone like them so she can sympathize. Is that why they made her a clone so that she could push the button? Because that's the only way someone would do that. Just give me a fucking break. I am interested. I do think they can have fun with the next movie because the creatures will be out terrorizing the world.