 Mark Norman is a New York City-based comedian who has made an appearance on nearly every late-night show including Conan four times Oh, yeah, he's been seen on Showtime's live at South by Southwest Inside Amy Schumer last comic standing Comedy Central's half-hour at midnight He released an album with Comedy Central Records titled still got it and last Friday at midnight Mark's first hour-long special premiered on Comedy Central. It's called Amy Schumer presents Mark Norman don't be yourself Along with comedian Joe List he co-hosts the podcast Tuesdays with stories Which my producer Alex loves more than this podcast? Which I really resent. I'm on the subway Blowing a guy I look up and there's you a big poster, huh? Don't be yourself. Oh boy. I choked on the sperm How does that feel seeing your face your body? It's pretty wild I mean just as a guy who you know came up in New York with nothing and Struggled for years and all that it's and seeing other people like Louise and Chris rocks and all these people in the subway I was always like I could never have that then eventually start seeing your friends like Michael Che had one and Dan Soder big J, and then you're like wow. That's cool. They have one and when you have one it doesn't doesn't really register Mm-hmm. I stood next to one yesterday and people walk by and I want you know, that's me and nobody stopped That's New York, baby. That's why New Yorkers are funny Are you being recognized every now and then I get wrecked enough mostly for the podcast or if I'm just off like I did Fallon on Thursday and I had people the next day going were you on Fallon? Was that you wow? So that's fun. Do you like that? I like a quickie. I was with a girl recently in Columbus Circle, and I we were on a date and this guy goes Oh, you're funny as hell. I saw your special and I think that that was a great was he just kept walking Mm-hmm, but that's probably with the girl You know I'm getting that's a definite get laid move. Is it a get laid? Oh, yeah I mean I didn't you know I didn't ask this guy to say anything and he came to me and he kept moving it was perfect Does she change once you get recognized? Yes, you notice that or does he or do you change? I change and she changed. She goes. Oh my god. Does that happen a lot? Wow. That was so cool Do you know that guy who was that guy? I'm like, I don't know just a fan I guess and and the whole mood is different the mood is different Do all women respond that way because I would think if I were a woman and I don't understand women Sure, but you do ah Some you do you do understand women. I would think all right. I'm walking with this guy. He's a big star I just discovered he's really famous or you know, I mean big star and really famous yeah generous What's he doing with me and he can have any woman so he's gonna sleep with me and then treat me like crap And he's gonna be on to the next ah I think you went a little dark That should be the name of this podcast yeah, we were doing we were doing so well Yeah, and then I go but but don't women why wouldn't a woman think I'm with Mark Norman. Yeah seems like a nice guy He's funny I'd like to settle down with him. I think his sperm is good. Mm-hmm. You know, he could make good smart funny babies Sure. Oh, he's famous. He can probably have any other woman in the world So he's gonna dump me. He's just gonna use me as a sperm receptacle. Uh-huh. Do women think that way? I think some do but I think in that moment with the fan I think they're going. Oh, I made the right. I made a good choice here. Are they churned on by power Are you saying that that's they want something that what I think there's a million zillion dudes out there? And if you can come out on top in any way it helps and I think it with a fan walking by and going hey Hey, that was fun. I think that gives them a boost of like alright. I'm with the right guy for a second Are you having fun? Do you like I'm trying? It's hard. I'm a mess. You're part of the machinery right now Yeah, I know that's scary. I'm in the cog. I'm a cog in the in the system but is it Exhausting is it scary? It's scary. It's scared that it's all gonna go away. It's all Catch 22 is all day long all you want to success all you want is respect and then when you get it You're stressed out and you want it to go away and then when it goes away You want it back and then it comes back again it's a ton of work and I hired a publicist unless you ran me ragged and You know the whole thing is coming down on top of you and then then it all goes out in the world Then people critique it and tell you what they think and they give you feedback and that's scary But sometimes great and sometimes painful so it's a non-stop Emotional roller coaster and I'm on the front seat of it right now, but it's you it's your art Yes, in other words, you're not on a sitcom. You're not promoting a piece of crap You're praying something that you deeply care about that's true. That's true. I don't want to you're not ashamed of this No, I actually like it, but I'm still scared of people's thoughts that whole thing like I don't care what other people think I desperately care what people think and I live by each comment. Yeah. Yeah, I mean how you feel Yeah, if I'm being and I read the bad ones too. I'm not one of these guys who reads and goes fuck this guy I only read the bad. Well, that's all you get but I Read the bad ones and I go he's got a point. I was talking too fast or hey, he's got a point I have a I made a weird gesture there You know, I don't I don't if it's some guys like look at this douche. I'm like, all right Well, that's that's not helping me. What about the hate? Yeah, the haters. Yeah We're they're just dead inside and need a reaction and are we yeah, that's true But at least we're coming up with something creative. He just called me a douche. Have you ever converted a hater? I Have ironically if you if you come at them with some decency They kind of pull back cuz I think they just want a reaction more than anything, you know So if you go, hey, I'm sorry you feel that way they go. Ah shit, man I'm sorry. I didn't know you were listening. I'm the worst. I'm gay. I hate myself You're like, all right, no problem. I hate myself too. And now your friends. So you did Fallon. Yes You've done the tonight show before first time debut little nerve-racking not necessarily because it's Fallon Not because it's the tonight show. It's going into that building. Yes It's 30 rock. It means it's freighted, right? It's the top of the heap as far as late night goes and you know You got the suit on and I already feel weird about that It's in the middle of the days you've had enough time to get anxious and hate yourself, you know And I was I slept two hours night before I just couldn't sleep I took 11 melatonin and I still couldn't sleep. That's how wacky and and churning my brain was it was a real carnival up there and Yeah, I just had to drink a cup of coffee Which I never do and suck it up and go and I had my agent there my manager and my publicist and three friends And I told my agent and publicist and manager I said I'm a group text saying don't ask me how I'm feeling don't ask me if I need anything right now Don't ask me if I'm good or if I'm ready or if everything's cool. That's gonna make it worse. We're talking with Steve Harvey He's the second guy to say that. What did he do? He did what any normal man would do get the f out of my dressing room. Well, yeah, right? They fuck your head up. It's way worse because they need to feel needed they don't really give a shit about how you're feeling or if you need anything they just want to justify the fact that their job is pretty easy and They want to feel needed and if they get if I go I need some water. They give me the water. They're like, all right I'm here. I'm I'm I'm help. I'm helping right so I don't help but they want to be a part of it Yes, and they're looking at for you, but they're also looking at for themselves Yes, which I get and they're not bad people, but I'm just saying for my head space and my where I need to be Don't ask me this shit. It'll only make it. How old are you 32 33 33? You're doing the tonight show you're waiting in the wings. Yes 33 tonight show it's not make or break. It's now it's make in other words if you do well That's great. Yeah, if you don't do well Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a bummer. It's a disappointment I'm not out of the business, but you're not out of the business, so it's not a bad place to be Right. You're standing in the wings. They're about to introduce you Heart pounding. Yes Bullet points. Yes, you use bullet points. Why not if they're there if they're gonna let me do them I'll use them that makes it a lot easier. Oh, yeah, and I had a brain freeze out there on my second Wow, and thank God those bolts were there, baby It was a real brainqueef. I wasn't even a fart Because in the old days they didn't let you use is that right? Yeah, why not? What is it hurting? They felt I Don't know Mark Malkoff. Maybe can answer this. He does that Carson special. Uh-huh or podcast. I know that Letterman felt that Giving the comedians bullet points. I Don't know Show business shouldn't be that easy for you. You should be nervous Yeah, I guess but I mean I say why not I mean I agree with you I comma could be seen reading them maybe but it's one word. I don't know you're in your out there I guess their feeling is your you should know it you should know it's like cheat sheet kind of thing, but I the brain freeze That is absolutely terrifying. Oh my god. You have to have a it's a real fireflight moment going Hey, you know your brain's going shit. What's next? What's next? We're on the night show the cameras This is it. You're blowing it. Ah, and then the other head the other side goes fuck you motherfuckers Snap into it quit being a pussy. No time for this bullshit. It's like a drill sergeant and a new cadet You're like I can't go over that wall. He's like you go over that wall faggot, you know, so So that happens in a matter of a millisecond right so it's right, but it feels like three days Yeah, did you use the bullet points? Did you look at the cute? I did for that only but after that I was I was smooth sailing, but it was that beginning Moment that's one of the first joke. I got out clean the second was like what's next? Oh fuck So when you want have you watched it? No, I can't I don't need to watch would you notice the stumble? I would yeah, if you put it on right now be like there it is and I bet you could see it But the the public couldn't the masses they missed it You're walking out. Mm-hmm You tell your first joke. Yeah, have the first joke. Oh first joke went. Okay. No, what do you think? Okay, the first joke went. Okay. What are you thinking? I remember thinking when I was okay It wasn't a maze you want to you want to just blow the roof off immediately So you're so you're making the mistake as I've been told, uh-huh, which is counting the laughs You're not supposed to do that. Yeah, I hear that but I can't help it. Yeah How could you not you want to do well you want it? You want to be in charge of how it's going So when did the brain freeze start after the first joke? Oh, yeah, so there you go Wow, you know your comedy because these are good questions So the brain fruit the brain freeze starts you tell the second joke. I Tell the first one I get a laugh then I get the freeze. Oh, wow for the setup of the second joke. Okay, that's messed up. Yeah It was bad that that and how much preparation did you do for the set? I ran it every night for about a month and a half Jesus. Yeah, and that's beautiful times a night Yeah, I mean I knew this was the big wig. You know Valon tonight show So I had to be crisp and I was chained tweaking it throughout. Yeah, it's diamond cutting. It is it really is it's very it's thrilling It's it's because it's precise and it's absolute control. Yes, and you run it in a bar room You run it in a club. You're running a theater. You run it in a, you know, a Backyard whatever you know just run it every single weird place you can because it went differently here. All right Like like take that in it went differently there. Okay, so you just keep melding it, you know Like a samurai sword as Louie would say you keep hitting it hitting it hitting it till it's a perfect, you know smooth steel. Yeah All right, and then so you you you freeze. Yeah, was that from exhaustion from lack of sleep? No It was nothing anxiety induced. It was just it was all coming crashing down like I had the first joke I got up because all you have to do is go. Okay. I'm here now tell a joke and then I'm like wait I'm here. I'm on stage. I'm in the tonight show. I'm in 30 rock. I'm on studio B That's when it all hit me and that's when I've had the freeze when I had to go. Hey Get back into it buddy. Come on. Yeah, I mean no human being In their right mind puts themself through that I have a friend who did Letterman when he was your age When it was late night, yeah, you know the 12 30 They bumped him the first time because he was freaking out Oh really and they brought him back and he did it and I was I remember standing in the wings Waiting to do a show with my heart beating and being really nervous. Yeah thinking this is the ultimate invasion of my privacy I mean TV guide. I hate this really. I'm going I hate this people are gonna see me and TV guide They're gonna tune in they're gonna be rooting against me. Yeah, every and why am I doing this and I'm waiting to be introduced Yeah, and I had this epiphany. I thought oh, that's why my friend Never got back on television. He didn't want this He won't admit to himself He won't admit to himself that he doesn't want this, but this is unnatural. Yeah, this is not the right way So you better make a decision right now pal. Yeah, do you want this right? And I and I went out there and I did okay, you know Yeah, I mean because it was kind of thing. Yeah, I want this and this is what Separates us from there are other funnier guys. Yeah, they just don't want to go. They don't want to put themselves through this And that's totally fine. Yeah, did you is this on YouTube? I'd like to see this the Set what was a Conan shot was a car. I'd like is that on YouTube? Maybe I'd have to go search it. Oh, we got to get that. Oh, whoever's got that on VHS I was always having a nervous breakdown. Yeah, I went and but I put myself through it. Yeah, I would insist on Dave Cyrus has walked in with a laundry. I do people's laundry. Oh, oh nice Cyrus Hello, it's not laundry. I'm gonna just some things I need. Ah, looks like a pillow of some kind So Dave Dave Cyrus is gonna be my wingman today cuz I think I'm gonna have sex with you Oh, great. I'm gonna move over here. Why don't we take a quick break? And when we come back, we'll be joined by Dave Cyrus and Mark Norman Mark Norman is here Dave Cyrus is here and we're talking with Mark his new His new Netflix special Comedy Central Well, it's gonna be on Netflix. I don't think so. I hope one day Please please put it on there. Yeah, but watch it on Comedy Central It's Amy Schumer presents Mark Norman. Don't be yourself opening for Amy. Amy is so generous with other comedians Oh, she's a giver. She really is. Yeah, not threatened at all. You've opened for Louie. You've opened for all these guys Do you blow them off the stage or do you blow them? No, no, I mean those people are there To see Amy or there to see Louie or whoever the hell I'm opening for so if we're if I'm I've done I've done some good shows in front of Amy when she was like a Smaller comic at a comedy club, but if it's at an arena where she does shows now It's they're there to see her so there's no way I could ever blow her off the stage. Are you holding back? I'm not holding back, but I'm definitely just I'm setting the table. That's my job as an opener Set the table and make it good for the for the headliner somebody told a Dennis Miller said to me when I opened for him Do you remember Dennis Miller? I'm a huge black and white. I think it's one of the best specials ever and no one talks about it Yeah, yeah boy. He still makes me laugh. It breaks my heart the politics. Yeah, it's a bummer but the Sorry you're in so much pain. Oh, it's okay. Your body feels like my brain go along with your conversation Okay, I'm just gonna mark Mark Norman. We're talking with Mark Norman and so Dennis had me open for him a couple of times That's very flattering. I said, I'm not gonna blow you away I'm good. I'm setting the plate. Yeah setting the table for you. Blown me away. That's what you're supposed to do Give me everything you got. Hmm. I think it's not a competition. It was yes It is give me everything you got. Whoa. I said if I give you everything I got I will poison this crowd And he goes you think you're that funny? I said no, I just know they'll walk out But he said to me when he was starting out his goal was to blow the headliner off the station I thought well, that's revealing about your character and your politics. So you do hold back for somebody Would you feel have you ever found yourself? Thinking wow, I'm doing too well. I better pull back here. Well again, I'm only doing maybe 15 or 20 minutes So they're doing an hour. So it's it's their show. So even if I kill it with because I have short jokes and everything I Could really murder but I don't think That 10 minutes or 15 minutes or 20 minutes is enough to where they go. Well, we're good now We've seen our show. It's only a two-man show. Yeah, so I don't think I mean, I've I've blown some comics off the stage I don't want to say I haven't but that feel good doing that or bad I feel I just feel like hey, I'm doing my thing. I don't see it as like I'm gonna blow this guy out I just go hey, I fucking killed that was a good set right. You have fun ride the wave I think the Marquita Queensbury rule of opening for somebody is don't talk to the audience. Yes, that's a rule you should I think I would say You can try to blow me off the stage Just don't talk to the audience. Yeah, do your material do your act. I agree. What if you're a host feature? What if you're host? What if you're the first person to walk up on that stage? Yeah, well ideally I'm a two engagement. I'm always the first I never do it. You don't talk to me either. Wow That's interesting. You see that I think is one of my problems with the New York comedy scene is Everybody's fast everybody's quick and everybody can talk to the audience But it gets the audience in the mood to be part of the yeah, and you're a joke writer I'm all Joe. I don't want to talk to them, right? I could I don't want to and you think because you don't talk to the Audience so many people want you to open for them. I think that might be part of it Yeah, but yeah, I'm a joke guy I mean if anybody went out on Louis show was like hey buddy where you from where'd you get that shirt homo? He'd be like oh fuck this guy, right, you know, so I don't do it. Why do you hate you so much? I love juice. I'm exactly the opposite. My website is a section called Jews. I Want to be a Jew. I want to be are you mistaken. Is it just a list? Just a list Are you photos? Are you mistaken for a Jew a lot? Yeah, do you like being mistaken? That's a huge compliment You guys are killing your six percent of the country and you run everything I think a lot of the Jew haters is shame people go. Oh man. Those guys are fucking killing it I don't know if we run everything. Well. Yeah, man. That's an exaggeration, but you're doing pretty well I don't know if that's true. Well, I think that I think the Irish Catholics. I don't see a lot of homeless Jews I'm a renter Well, that's what I'm saying I think that's you know like in the comedy writing rooms. They're not that many Jews. It's mostly Irish Catholics You think oh, yeah. Hmm. I thought it was mostly Jewish. I was at the Writers Guild Awards. Were you there? You go through the names. I pay attention to the names. It's not that so you got the lampoon guys But then get the list of you of of New York slum lords Yeah, exactly. It is it is it is like a comedian trying to make a list of funny Juniors. All right slow-motion It's all like the completely non-American eyes. Right. You were definitely born in another language. Yeah So let's talk about the theme of your podcast You're a storyteller or not. Yeah, I like with jokes in a yarn. Yeah, but you hang jokes Which come first the jokes or the story? Well, I guess when I was a kid it was story because you had to just say something this happened to me How crazy is this and then you pepper in jokes you go that got a laugh and now they're more they're listening better So maybe I'll just keep doing that Stories first then jokes. Yeah jokes are harder. I think do you come up with a Story that you jot down on a cocktail napkin or is it always the jokes you jot down the jokes I jot down stories up here because I lived it the joke you have to actually craft and Would the jokes stand on its own without the story? Yeah, it was good enough. Yeah when you're doing fowlin When you got to get it down to five minutes. What do you sacrifice more the story or the jokes story? It's all joke It's all Joe all Joe zero story The opening joke is it's quick. It's yeah, I drink too much I actually got fired from a job for being drunk at work my boss said hey It's it's clear. You're a high-function alcoholic and I go geez. How do you know I was high? You know and the only story part is that I got fired. Uh-huh. So that's the story So I'm taking the littlest amount I can do of the story to make it a joke and how much of these stories are absolutely true Maybe On the podcast a hundred percent a hundred percent in the act maybe 60% do you feel you're cheating the audience if you change the story to make it funnier? No, I think I'm not No, I think I'm doing them a service It's like that Dom or era joke people go true story. I don't give it to make it funny. Who cares how true it is Does the audience know it's not true or do they think it's true? They probably think it's true But that's that's my choice to just you get what I'm spitting out. Yeah, you know, yeah 100% honesty on the podcast. Yes, the difference between and that I keep saying it. I apologize Fine, I don't care. It's comedy central. Yeah, I apologize same, you know, but both are it's an hour. It's an hour What is the difference between doing? Getting a an hour special for comedy central ready and your stand-up Are you sacrificing story for the comedy central special? Yeah, yeah, I'm not a big story guy except for the podcast That's a lot of stories, but the the hour is just joke joke joke I don't I don't want any air. I don't want any Fat just just punches and are you taping every set in preparation taping them all and changing the order and trying new tags And taking tags out that aren't working and then there's you know, you do an hour There's always a couple jokes that don't get what you want So you're focusing a lot on those And then what's gonna go first what's gonna go last, you know So and are you able to crack why a joke doesn't give you what you want usually I can crack it sometimes It'll take years sometimes you're in the shower scrubbing your asshole and you go. That's it and then Sometimes you never get it and then you know You kind of have to just let it go are there some Jokes that only work in front of a specific audience Yes, because In a club maybe The men or the women are afraid to laugh because it reveals too much about their character. Sure. So that if you do it on your special Millions of people will laugh because they're alone Exactly, but they don't want to be revealed. So it just sounds like something you tell yourself in your joke bombs Sure, but I mean if you focus group it over and over and over different places You can get a gauge on that like I have a joke about cheating And if it's a date night saturday night, and I see a lot of couples the joke gets kind of like a Because I think a lot of guys have been caught cheating or a lot of girls assume the guys are cheating So that gets awkward But like singles night or somewhere else maybe a comedy club on a on a wednesday with a bunch of nerds in there Kills, right because the joke is good, but I think it hits home a little bit So are your ears primed for this? Oh, yeah, I'm all ears Ear to ear and so you know that a that a bit I would I would think Bits about one night stands with women and stuff Would reveal way too much about the men or the women in a club But home alone, they're gonna love this stuff. Maybe yeah, I'm fine with that. I'll still do it What about how dark the room is? I like a darker room. Why I just think people get self-conscious with the lights on right and to go back to your old question Uh, some crowds getting in some crowd. I have a whole chunk on anxiety and if I'm in the midwest They're kind of like who care what anxiety go to work, you know, but if I'm in new york or la they're like, yeah I feel your brother. Uh-huh. So that was an interesting uh Interesting takeaway you suffer from anxiety big time. Yeah join the club. Yes. I figured that's why I loved you You guys get it. We not only get it. We give it Now I have been told that anxiety is powerlessness. It's a complete lack of power. Is that right? That's what I was told makes sense a lot of fear a lot of fear not not having control My big anxiety is I'm all alone That I'm just gonna be I'm gonna die alone and then I realize everybody dies alone. That's true. I'd rather die alone I don't want to die in a group But Yeah, I think I don't have that. I'm I like being alone. So my anxiety is is just people disliking Which I guess is similar. Anxiety being disliked. Disliked. You care about what people think of you. You said that Yeah, yeah, well, yet you have no filter. You'll say whatever you want. And that's me just going. Ah, fuck you body I'm just doing this. It's a little bit of a rebel against the wanting to people like me You want people to like you. Yeah, my dad to love you. My dad's very unlikable I hope he never hears this because he thinks he is but uh, and I think I'm just always like I don't want to be that. That's so scary. How important is love to you This is one of the things I've discovered because I'm single married for Before you were born I knew That I was doing comedy because I wanted to be loved Interesting that I need love. I need to be loved. I will take it. I'll take fake love I'll take real love. I'll take the love of the cat a dog a wife a kid I'll take you know a cleaning lady Yeah, just me because I give her work. I mean anybody you know just and I remember checking into the Four Seasons Hotel in Chicago and I wasn't paying for this. Yeah, I'll talk about mooching in a second. I'll please Uh But I remember Calling my family up and saying this isn't love at the Four Seasons. It's close enough This is just as you know, I'll take paid love whatever. Yeah, I don't know how many comics From your generation are desperately seeking To be loved. I think I think it's in there. I think more than you think you're the first Young comic I've met who has admitted that he wants to be liked. Yeah, sure. I think they're all Full of shit, but do you do you talk about that with the other comics? You're I guess I don't know because you're the first one and and you did the show about two years ago and I Didn't discuss this with you and I never got this from you Is this a new thing that you're admitting to yourself because I never picked up maybe yeah from you that You want to be loved. I'm trying to be more real I've been doing a lot of therapy and have a lot of breakthroughs And I'm just saying how I feel now But two years ago, would you admit it to the audience that you wanted to be? I would have skated around it, but I knew I did right This is very interesting. Yes. Yes, and I think the comics the great comics Are angry. Oh, yeah And I want to be loved. Yes, and they're like citizen kane. They want to be loved on their terms. Yes That's exactly right. I had an experience this weekend where I realized I had a flashback to why my wife Is it my ex-wife because I want love on my terms and my time is my time and do not waste my time because If we're going to do this That cuts into that. Yep, and I am prioritizing because I think comedians when we're on stage it teaches us if you're a good comedian You're a great comedian. Hey, hey, you're a good comedian. Well, I'm okay But you know, it's like you cut through the bs. Yeah, that's the plan and then in real life It's like cut it. No. No, what do you do? What are you wasting my time? That everything becomes the stage. Yes, and you start Doing things you're talking to people and you go come on come on come pick up the pace pick up the pace So it becomes impossible to go to parties and yeah, unless you go and let's go. Let's go. Let's go Do you find that's happening? I do I do You're right about the on my turn. Look at david tell he's killing he goes Oh, you guys are all idiots. Fuck you. Come on. And then if he's not killing, he's like, where'd you go? What happened, you know, we want it We want to still be assholes and still be loved right and we want to be in control It's like that harry shearer quote where he says the only reason you do comedy so you can control why people laugh at you Because if you walk in a room and everybody's going look at this guy You're like, oh shit. What happened, but if you walk in a room and slip on purpose Then you were in control of it, you know, right, you know the you slip on a banana peel Everybody laughs But if you go tell people about a banana peel you slipped on Now you're in control of the laughs. Do you find with anxiety? I find that my anxiety is cured by Like editing Like or writing. Do you find like when you're do you have anxiety when you're on stage? I know you had that you know the anxiety doing fallon, but when you're on stage I mean if about doing well, I want to do well If i'm doing well, i'm just cool as a cucumber You know, you're like, oh, you know when you're just sharp and you know, oh, I know the next 13 moves I'm gonna make right. That's a good feeling But and the audience is with you everything you say they're hanging on your reward. That's great No anxiety that that I feel better there than I do You know at a cocktail party, you know, the cocktail party or I mean I go to house parties a lot I guess I should say cocktail party is crazy. Yeah, who am I, you know, howard hughes, but um Yeah, so when you're up there killing I feel way better than I do at a restaurant with a bunch of people Do you ever get a 100 kill Where you walk off and you go 100 I could not do any better I've had that but I always I've had that the audience could say that was 100 kill But I still know that line didn't go what I wanted or that that line so old and maybe that's a little hacky And I shouldn't have done that so there's always some critiquing with my own brain But I feel like an audience could say that was 100 if you ask a pitcher To relive the game that can tell you like no one Ryan can tell you every pitch he threw. Wow. Yeah Yeah, I believe it. Can I walk you through? A Fallon shot and totally and you know 100. Yeah, you can tell me exactly how the joke went. Yep. Yep And what the response was. Yep. What about your special? Probably. Yeah. Yeah, it's an hour long, but I could do it What about a set at the cellar a 20 minute set at the cellar if it was that night? Yeah I remember it back to front, but I do a lot of sets every night. I'm doing four tonight You do so many sets. Oh, yeah, nobody works harder than you On On the scene in new york. Yeah, how many sets I think I asked you this last time you were on the show Did you set the record for most sets in one night? I I I'm sure I did in new york Yeah, how many sets did you do in one night? I think I did that year. I think david tell has it I think erinberg has it Oh, erinberg. Yeah. What is he at 11 or something? He did. Yeah, he did it like for a documentary They specifically did the most anyone had done and that was like less than a year ago Yeah, how many sets did you do? I just do like five a night or four a night So I think I might have it over the year, but he has it like the most in a night And you're doing quality rooms too. Yeah, you know, I'll do any room. I'll do a bar I'll do a warehouse whatever that's the frustration living in la. I remember coming to new york And I'm not making this up in three days in new york You can do a month's worth of oh, yeah No doubt about it if you really focus and you're trying to hone a seven minute set You can get it done in three days in york three days a year in new york is five years in cleveland uh so This is your first one hour special. Oh, yeah, are you already thinking about your next special? Oh, of course. I've already got about 20 minutes You got 20 Your generation is different than mine. It's a problem. It's not good. No, it's good I think it's hurting commie a little no. Well, I was gonna get well. Let me give you the upside of it and be Let me pretend to be positive Because it makes me look good. All right deep down. I'm seething. No, I I think it's really interesting because We were thinking about the five minute sets, you know get on the tonight show Sure, you know five you guys are like musicians. I think it's so much. I'm being serious. So this is not fake I think it's like albums. It's like albums. I never thought of it like that. I like that. Yeah, we're not making singles We're making albums. Yeah, the audience is there for it, right? That's true. It's all different now because an audience wants comedy. They want content They want content. They want comedy and they're willing to put in the time. Oh, yeah I mean, it's great. You go on these message boards. They're all talking about the special It just came out three days ago and they're they're dissecting it and they're what is that joke in the reference to? And they know everything they listen all the podcasts Like I had a podcast where I talked about having sex with a celebrity and they figured out who the celebrity was I never gave a name never gave a what she looked like or whatever They figured it out because these people they get together and they're tell did you tell them they were right? Oh, they knew I think because they put it together and then she called me and chewed me out Did you chew her out? No, she was right. No, I'm talking about when you were having sex. Yes I wasn't less chewing but more licking but yeah Wow, it's it's a different experience. Yeah, there's a connection with the fans. What percentage of your day is spent interacting with your fans Probably too much Because I I feel guilt see again the guilt I feel guilty and weird like who am I so they take the time to write to me I'm gonna take the time back and it's mostly email No, it's mostly tweets and facebook and stuff. Okay, that's effortless, right? Yeah, I just give it a favorite and go. Thanks or whatever I write on the instagram Hey, I appreciate it something like that do some fans creep you out I get so much gay love Like you wouldn't believe gay guy. I wish women liked me as much as gay guys And I mean, that's like I want to suck your balls. I'll lick your asshole till it's dry you fucking So you start to understand like oh, I get why women are freaked out all the time By you well by any guy because we're we're we come at it hard like hey This guy's like I want you to blow a load in my face and sing me happy birthday. I'm like, all right Shit, how'd we get here? Really? It's a service weird gay men give that they let straight men understand what they're doing to women Yeah, there you go Do gay men think you're gay? I don't think so I mean, I have a whole act about trying to get laid and fucking puss and loving gash and chasing trim So maybe gay men Look at you the way women look at gay men. You're the safe Yeah, maybe maybe you're the guy who gay men want to go out with in case somebody doesn't want to dance Exactly Mundo. Let's you know, I want to go to a a bar. Yeah But I want to hang out with somebody who's just going to sit with me instead of Dancing all yes, you dance. Do you take women to to clubs and dance? Have you ever taken a woman to a club and dance? No I've met women at clubs, but I've never taken a woman to a club. What is that sound? That is your phone It's hollywood calling. Oh great Uh, you're in I'm in. Yeah, you got it. Have you ever gone dancing with a woman? Yeah, I think so. I mean dancing When dancing with a woman I don't know. I met a girl At a dance club and she said you want to dance and I said sure I won't turn down the dance clubs No, I went in uh, Amsterdam I was in Amsterdam and I got on tinder to try to get laid and this girl said I'm at a dance club right now and I said I'm on my way and we had Ended up having sex. Do you do comedy because you don't dance? I mean to me, it's like a waste of time to go dancing. I hate dancing I'm like, I'm already a stripper. What do you need to go right? What do I need to go dancing for? Yeah, if I want to move my body, I'll fuck you. Yeah, exactly What is the moving your body to music and it's never good and you feel stupid and it's a waste of time Women love to go dancing. I'm like, I'll watch you dance. It's hot But I what am I gonna sit stand behind you and jiggle suppose somebody's videotaping. I know I mean that's so humiliating. I mean you go to weddings and you go to bar mitzvah In sweet 16 parties and you and people you have people moving their bodies I guess it's kind of like comedy You're making an asshole out of yourself. The whole point of dancing is to make an asshole out of yourself But I've already made an asshole Well, some people are great at it and they're not making they're you're like, wow, I wish I could do that Women love men who can dance which I think makes up for the whole 78 cents in the dollar thing Hmm and that goes back to to the you know 19th century 18 dancing. There is There's a courtship that yeah, it's a connection And it's safe. Yeah, it's safe. You get to touch their hands and it's fun And I guess women like it because it's testing your manners That if you're willing to hold a woman, but not grope. How does he? Right, I guess I think it's more of a let loose thing like look He's letting loose and he can be vulnerable and and move with the music. I think it's more of that Testing your physical prowess. I think I think but I also think they're testing Your civility because women want civility In a relationship if you go back 300 years, it was very mannered. That's dancing I'm going to put my arm around you, but I'm only going to touch you here And I'm going to respect you now There's you know, there's no respect. Yeah, but they can also read now We also we also allow them to read in own property. So there is a trade-off true I'm still what's the longest mark norman has ever gone without sex Uh, oh my god. I mean years high school and all that you play the long game with women How many I hate the long game? I think it's you told me the long game was good that you that there were women Who this was two years ago? I mean, I'll do the long game is in plan a seed Then then come back every now and then but I'm not doing the whole like let's take you out Again, then we'll go out again. Then we'll talk on the phone. Then we'll go out again You know, like that's silly to me. Do you think you could ever settle down? I think I could I don't know it's It seems odd the whole thing seems uh off and unnatural Doesn't it it never works, you know, if if someone is together for 30 years, we applaud literally applaud Because wow you did it You get you get applauded for joining the military And for staying together. That's insane You got shot at and you almost got shot at by your wife That's how hard it is we compare it with fighting in a war You don't think there's one soulmate out there for Mark Normand No, I don't Is there a woman you're haunted by no no woman. Is there a woman? I'm dying a meter I would say you've had sex you're 33. I would suspect you've had sex with more than four women. Yes Okay today What's the most In one day for three in a day three in a day seriously. Yeah, I remember the day vitamin e Uh, no, just good old-fashioned desperation. Okay, wait, wait, how many in one day three Three with the three different women three different women But it's mapped out pretty clever. Yeah, I gotta hear this. All right. I had sex with a girl after midnight One night. We felt doesn't count. All right. Well, this is technically 24 hours 24 hours Yeah, how many sets did you do that day? I think I did three sets Fucked a girl at, you know, one in the morning. Where we're at her apartment slow down slow down This is the most important thing I need to hear. All right. Okay. So you did a set. Yes Where'd you perform? I'm sure it was a comedy cellar or a club of you know Did you meet the woman at the club? I met the girl after the show. I had plans with her How was it? Oh, you met her after the show. Did she see you perform? Yes I brought her to the last show I had she saw me perform. How'd you do? I did well. Did you kill? Yeah, I had to kill. We had a few drinks went back to her place had sex She went to work at nine in the morning as civilians do I went home had a girl meet me at my house at about I don't know Three or something three in the afternoon. How did you hook up with her? How did you was it through tinder? No, she was like, uh, it was uh, like a I don't want to say a comedian, but she's in the business So we'd always kind of like hey whenever you're but but but we should meet up Okay, had you ever had sex with this woman? No, the woman who you spent the night with had you had sex with her before? No, okay. So this is so the first one was new The second one was I knew her but I never had sex with her And you so you had sex with her I had sex with her about three in the afternoon You had sex at three in the afternoon at your apartment. Did you shower before I did? Yeah, so you had cleaned off the other woman. Yes. Did you feel any guilt? No, no I mean these were all none of this was a relationship. This was all good times Do you think the second woman would be upset if she found out that you had sex 12 hours earlier? Probably Especially since it was less than 12 hours Uh-huh. No, I guess it was about 12 hours. Yeah, so then uh, Did a show later that night and had sex with her like, you know 10 in the 10 at night. Okay, that's Do a bull and so how did you meet the woman for the the third woman? I knew it already and I already had sex with she worked for Goldman Sachs at a great apartment downtown Mm-hmm unbelievable and did you say I've got the hat trick? Yeah, I remember we were you going for the I was going for the hat trick because I hanging out with this girl was a nightmare But I just went for it for the hat trick Did you lower your standards? No, I knew her I had sex with her many a time But I was just going for the three you're going for the three so let's review the first one saw you perform. Yes I'm gonna say and you had a lot of drinks couple drinks. Yeah, I'm gonna say you don't remember that No, I remember I had like two scotches. Okay Who was the best? Let me let me try to predict what the one you miss the one that you Sometimes get a chubby thinking about I'm gonna say the afternoon. You got it. You're right I was gonna say I'm pretty sure it's the one he still has to see He's still yeah communicate with is going to be the best one. Yeah, the afternoon was the best one I mean, hang on this is let's let's try to figure this out the afternoon was the best one Is it because of her or because of the timing? She was the hottest and it was just something hot about the middle of the day Just coming over and I already had the other one and she didn't know about that. So that was fun So I don't know there's a thrill to it was a thrill to that and I'd already I'd got a good night's sleep the third one's kind of the end of the night when I'd done a few shows and already got laid once So the third one's just kind of like let's do this for the story And the first one was like, oh cool. We're getting laid and the second one's like Oh, we're fucking a girl in the middle of the day, right? So it was the second one was the funnest and the third one because she works for goldman sacks You couldn't care less about her Well, she was just annoying and uh A horrible human being. Yeah, she was she works for goldman sacks I guess so she was like a dumb blonde and she was a shoe in Yeah Did she wanted to be treated like crap because she works for goldman sacks? Did she know that she's scum? She kind of did like that. Yeah. She was the nice person. She's a good person I don't know but she works for goldman sacks. Yeah, does that make you bad? Yes. Why because goldman sacks Doesn't provide a service they they transfer money from You to them they're they're thieves. Oh, really sanders says to be fair. She's a cleaning lady. I don't think she's Right. Responsible All right, and let's see Let me guess The first sexual encounter You had sex with fair again No, no the second one you did Yeah And the third one the goldman's let me predict the goldman sacks woman you walked out thinking Never again But you've had sex with her again Well done nailed it nailed it. Yeah, are you are you it took like six months later? But I went back you went back because she wanted in yeah And I was like, yeah, why not god, you're my hero. I wish I could be this guy wish I could be yes I wish I could be you so let me ask you a question. You could do it. You could do it do women want to be treated With respect I have this theory That I would be a much Happier man if I didn't worship women. Hmm that I think you're right. Yeah, my knees buckle around women And I'm like they're slave. I'm a you know, just I and they're buckling too though Well, no, but I'm like it's gone to the point where I'm like hang out with my mother and my sister That's how desperate well the sex no Just female company, but if you don't so do you think it's easier? To get laid Right after you got laid. Is there something is there a scent? I think is there a confidence a confidence It's a lack of need. It's a lack of desperation. It's an ease about you Really, I think so and the women pick up on it. Oh, yeah, women have picked. They're so intuitive. They're amazing creatures They do they smell another woman on maybe but that that I would never know. I mean, that's that's some ol factory bullshit Yeah, it's a compliment. See what I don't understand about women is if I find out as a guy if We find out that there's a woman Who can be passed around? I don't want in I go, ah, that's not But I've been told that if women Sense a guy is a great lover Mm-hmm They want they they don't mind that he's a as they say a coxman. Yeah, I mean, I think I mean you have a reputation Do you mind if I tell you that? No, I'm fine with it. Okay, so you have a reputation. I'm aware and your a swordsman as they say Women are attracted to that. I think they are Subconsciously they'll shit on you all day and talk about this and that and say he's a scum. He's a pig whatever But I think deep down I think wouldn't even like tiger woods a guy like that when he cheats I think you know on a small level in a woman's brain. They're going Well, of course, he's cheating. Good for him. I'm not good for him. But I think there's a little bit like That's kind of hot. He's a man. He's going whatever what he wants and do they Think well, he's a great lover. So he would know how to make me come I think that's part that's in there. Yeah Or do they want something else? Maybe this is the they want the the what are you the pin you down kind of thing, you know I want the competition They want the competition women are more attracted to someone who they know other women want So women want to be with someone who sleeps around Simply because they want to show all those other women. He had sex with I'm As good or better than you because he had sex with me I'm so glad a woman is not here to set us straight. I don't want to lie. They would lie Okay, so the women want a guy who sleeps around and do they care about the orgasm? Do they care about being worshiped that comes later? Really, I don't think they're sitting there going orgasm orgasm. I think they're worried. They're that's In the bedroom thinking about the other women. Yeah It's a sense of competition. And so they're like landing somebody I got this guy I got this. That's what I'm saying. They want they want to pin you down. I got him. I saddled this horse That's pleasurable for them. Well, it's it's in there. It's innate Even if they don't come It's not weird, but the coming not every woman needs to come. Yeah, it's about the the the conquer They're conquering us. Yeah, they're conquering every woman you've had sex with before. Yes Yeah, I really think that you think that or do you know that well, no one knows anything No one knows anyone I think that as well and they will not admit it, but they know it And then they have sex with you to be able to report back to their friends It's not for them. It's for it's for their own self. It's not for the friends. So their self-worth is I don't know about worth, but it's competition It's a it's a ego boost. All right. We're we got a you'll come back Yeah, but there's a lot of women are listening right now going. I hate these fucking guys. All right Boy, this was fun. This was fun. We got somewhere good. I feel like somewhere deep Let me ask you one final question. All righty Who's your favorite comic oh probably groucho Yeah, big fan. He's um Probably the basis for my whole shtick He's the template and what should we watch? Let's say duck soups pretty good. There's also on youtube is a lot of compilations of like his best You bet your life moments and stuff like that. So I would check that out Well, we just scratched the surface. This was great. This was great. And I know I don't mean to embarrass you No, but your fly is open. You got a booger in your nose. Oh, I know how busy you are and you have this new Comedy central special Uh-huh. Thank you, but everybody on netflix That will be on netflix. Yeah, because everything will be at some point. Hopefully it'll get on there. Amy Schumer presents mark norman Don't be yourself. That's the one a great comedian And I hope you come back ASAP. Thank you, sir. I'd love to come back. I love it here and and uh, love you guys And thanks for having me and praise Allah