 Can you believe it's already 2012? The Koch brothers are still writing 2011 on their cheques to Clarence Thomas. Romnatal, the new antidepressant from the same laboratory that developed Mitt Romney. Romnatal will enable you to win your battle with depression, not in an exuberantly triumphant way, but by a mere eight votes. Here's what a highly successful clinical psychologist has to say. I'm a very successful clinical psychologist, but I've had a deep feeling of longing and regret for my entire life. Thank God I can afford to pay for prostitutes. Otherwise, I'd have nothing to live for. You're not recording this, are you? Four out of five hormone-mongering doctors agree. Romnatal. Side effects may include drowsiness, flip-flopping, strapping dogs to the roof of cars, extreme greediness at the expense of the working class, blurriness that may result in mistaking a corporation for a person, a desire to wear a magical underwear, and an impulse to announce anything you've done that might have provided a poor person with health care. Romnatal. I'm David Feldman. Welcome to our first broadcast of 2012. I don't know about you, but I'm gonna miss 2011 about as much as I miss Kim Jong-il. By the way, did you watch North Korea's coverage of Kim Jong-il's funeral? Glad to see the new 1978 Cadillacs finally came out. Tuesday at 10, on a very special month, Eddie Months takes time for things that really matter until his daughter walks in on him. Ah, Kelly! Honey, never sneak up on Daddy when he's on the Internet. Oh, well, I need to talk to you. What is it, honey? For school, we have to write a report about what our parents do for a living. Well, you know what I do, honey. I'm a police detective. I know, but the kids at school say you're a corrupt cop, and you take bribes from mobsters and look the other way. It's not true, honey. It's not? Of course not, sweetie. Did they say witch mobsters? No. So, no names, right? No, Daddy. Okay. Hey, don't worry about it, honey. Daddy would never do anything to embarrass you. Well, what about the time you brought that angry drunk lady to my ballet recital? Again, with the ballet recital? That was your Aunt Shaniqua. And she wasn't drunk. She took too much hay fever medication. But I don't have an Aunt Shaniqua. Not anymore. Auntie Shaniqua had to go on a vacation. Where did she go? The point is, honey, your Daddy doesn't take bribes from any mobsters, and I hope you remember that when you write your report. Okay, Daddy. Can I interview you about what you do? Of course you can, honey. Can I go to your office with you and watch your work? You'd like that, wouldn't you? Forget it, kid. You can tell those weasels I'm a goddamn plumber. But, Daddy, I need to talk to you. Talk to my lawyer. Months bitten, twice shy. CBS Tuesdays. On today's show, Lorraine Newman, Paul Dooley, June Foray, Eddie Pepitone, Frank Conniff, Cheney had to add Tompkins. The Brilliant, Mark Thompson, and Chris Pina, along with music from Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys, and highlights from Pasadena's Tournament of Roses Parade. Tuesday at 10, Detective Eddie Montz finds it's not easy being a father when you don't like children. Daddy? What is it, sweetie? Is it true you squelched for different independent investigations into corruption on the police force by paying off key members of the oversight committee? No, of course not, honey. What does squelch mean? Months you get started. Oh, it's hard to stop. CBS Tuesdays. Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season. I did my Christmas shopping last year inside the nearest Banana Republic, America. On Tuesday, Republicans participated in the Iowa Caucasians, I'm sorry, Caucasus. Tuesday's Iowa Republican Caucus exemplified Thomas Jefferson's agrarian vision of American democracy. And by that, I mean no black people within 50 miles of a voting precinct. There were a few casualties Tuesday night. I don't want to say Newt Gingrich's chances of ever becoming president are dying, but this morning he served his campaign divorce papers. Gingrich could not control that famous temper of his. Monday night, Newt called Mitt Romney a liar. Actually, he said, liar, liar, magic underpants on fire. And Michelle Bachman dropped out. Tuesday was rough for Michelle. The last time Michelle Bachman felt that defeated was her wedding night. Michelle Bachman, you religious freak. You know, the only difference between Michelle Bachman and the Taliban is the Taliban don't marry their beards. Well, try to think of it this way, Michelle. Tuesday night was the first time in your marriage that you and Marcus both came in the bottom. So now going into New Hampshire, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney and Ron Paul are locked in a three-way, otherwise known as a Minajah troll. Congratulations to Ron Paul and his lovely wife, Ru. Ru Paul. After his strong showing in Iowa, Ron Paul told supporters, we're all Austrian now. But after reading his newsletters, nobody could tell if by Austrian he meant economist Frederick Hayek or Adolf Hitler. Speaking of Adolf Hitler, Rick Santorum almost won on Tuesday because he spent the entire year living in Iowa apart from his family and seven children preaching his rock-solid family values. Where's Daddy? Oh, he's in Iowa preaching family values. Are we ever going to see him again? Well, if Rick Santorum doesn't see his kids, they might be better off. We're learning a lot about the Santorums. In 1996, Rick Santorum and his wife slept with their dead 20-week-old fetus and then brought it home for their children to play with before the funeral. Well, I'm just glad they didn't do anything creepy with their kids like promote gay marriage. I have never seen anything like this in my life. The GOP has become a bottomless pit of depravity. Rick Santorum sleeping with a fetus, then bringing it home and forcing his kids to play with what is essentially a biohazard, encouraging war with Iran, all these candidates obsessing on gun rights, audiences cheering the death penalty, applauding the idea of people without healthcare getting left to die. Folks, the Republicans are no longer a political party. They are a satanic death cult. That's why when GOP candidates run against Obama, they have to make up lies. But, as we see during this primary season, when the GOP runs against each other, all they have to do is tell the truth. Tuesday at 10, Eddie Montz faces his greatest crisis, and it's a real mother. Ma, I came as soon as I heard. How are you doing? Oh, never better. Figures I'd have to be an intensive care unit to get a visit from you, Eddie. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a while, Ma. I've been busy with work. You know how it is. Oh, of course, son. I can't expect you to spare a precious hour of your time to see me, not when you're busy taking bribes from mobsters and looking the other way. Did Kelly tell you that she's a liar? Oh, cut the crap, Eddie. Everybody knows. Your first day at the police academy, you were already on the take. It's time we were straight with each other. Look, Ma, I know I wasn't the greatest son you ever had. No, Eddie, you weren't. That was your brother, Jerry. Now, he was a real man. Jerry was a nicer guy than me, I know. Nicer? He was so much better than you could ever be. I know, Ma, I know he was smarter than me. Oh, yes. More generous. Absolutely. Better looking? That was a blowout. All right, all right, I get it. My brother, Jerry, was superior to me in every way. But what about his dancing? He was a much better dancer, Ma. Are you kidding? Much better? He moved like a gazelle. Oh, why couldn't it have been? I know, Ma. Why wasn't I washed away in that flood instead of Jerry? Right? That's what you were going to say, isn't it, Ma? Isn't it? Say it out loud, Ma. I know you want to. Well, I would say that you just shut up. Yes, Eddie, it should have been you washed away in that flood instead of Jerry. I would have liked that much better. Mons, he's a good gov. Who's really bad at it. Tuesdays at 10 on CBS. Are you suffering from a severe life-threatening depression? If this is the case, then you may be in desperate need of Romnotol, the new antidepressant from the same laboratory that developed Mitt Romney. Like the former Massachusetts governor, Romnotol works on your central nervous system in a way that doesn't ignite passion. Instead, it ignites a placid acceptance of a life that you didn't care for in the first place. Passion and joy eventually lead to an even worse depression, but a middle ground of listless acceptance can lead to the kind of long, uneventful, deeply unsatisfying life that is the most any human being can hope for. Four out of five hormongering doctors agree. Romnotol is so effective it will have you doing things you never thought you'd do, like vote for Mitt Romney. So ask your doctor about Romnotol. It's the only antidepressant with the inactive ingredients that will enable you to settle for everything in your life the same way voters are settling for Mitt Romney. If your hair has an erection lasting more than four hours, consult a doctor and do so using Romney Care because it's totally different than Obamacare. No, really, it is. It's like completely different. You can't even compare the two. Geez. Please welcome Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys featuring Chloe Fiorenzo. Okay, here we go. It's a little song called Cow Town. It's a love song. Chloe, you want to help me out with the vocals? Sure. Okay, and if you want to play Mandolin or Saxophone or clarinet, it's up to you. Here we go. Abundant flies. They help you realize you are in Cow Town. He said Cow Town. That's what I said. A certain air makes you well aware you are in Cow Town. He said Cow Town. If it moves you to wander there one day, it behooves you to ponder why you'd stay. Hey, the reason's clear. Somebody you hold dear resides in Cow Town. So the wings of love will speed you to the land where romance leads you. And that pretty little frail at the end of the trail to Cow Town that is known as Cow Town. So the wings of love will speed you to the land where to Cow Town. Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys. Well, thanks a lot, Davey. But Chloe and I had some help from Guy. Chloe Fiorenzo and Guy Nicolucci playing today. It's kind of spaghetti Western time. Are you from Italy? No, but I took Italian class. I am half Italian though. January 10th. Actually January 12th at Viva Cantina, which is the Mexican restaurant right at the entrance way in Burbank to the Equestrian Center. Will there be horses? Out the window. Yeah, you look out the window and you see horses. It's great. Are there actual horses? Yeah. And the Cantina? What kind of food do they serve? It's Mexican food. And what's in the burrito? Horse meat. Surprise? Better not be. Thanks, Will. This Tuesday at 10, when Eddie Munch shakes his family tree, something strange falls out. Look, Eddie, I know I've said some terrible things to you, but it's only because I felt so guilty about the secret I've kept all these years. What secret is that, Ma? Well, it's about your father. What about my father? Well, for one thing, we were really never married. Why not? Well, it's complicated, Eddie. You didn't want to get married? All right. I guess it's not that complicated. Well, Ma, a lot of people don't get legally married, right? Well, there's something else, Eddie. What, Ma? The man you thought was your father wasn't really your father. Not my father. So who was my father? Oh, I'm not sure, Eddie. I do have some theories about it. How could you not know? What difference does it make? It was so long ago. So you had an affair with another man? Oh, I was, were that simple. Oh, though, yes, I did. And then some. You had affairs with more than one man? You don't want to go there, Eddie. My head is spinning. I can't believe that man wasn't my father. Eddie, he did repeatedly tell you. You're no son of mine. I thought he was just blowing off steam. Well, there's something else, Eddie. What is it? This is not easy to say. How could it be worse than what you just told me about my father? Well, Eddie, it kind of is. I suppose you're going to tell me I was adopted. Now, that was just spooky. I was adopted? Ma, you're kidding me, right? It's better that you know Eddie. How could it be better? The man I thought was my father is not my father and the woman I thought was my mother? Okay, there's one more thing. Another thing? Well, it's not that important, really. Look, Ma, to me you're my mother. I don't care if I was adopted. You're the woman who raised me. Of course, Eddie, of course. Now, well, what you just said. That you raised me? That I'm a woman. Eddie Muntz, he really is a bastard. Tuesday at 10 on CBS. Fans of our show know that Eddie Pepitone is the wildly successful host of the Tony Award-winning late-night talk show, Pepitone Tonight. Earlier this week, Eddie Pepitone, along with his sidekick, Frank Conniff, and their band leader, Chris Pina, did color commentary for the Tournament of Roses Parade over in Pasadena. Here are some highlights. Welcome, everyone, to the 123rd Annual Rose Parade starring Eddie Pepitone. I'm Frank Conniff here in Pasadena, along with the Progressive Radio Orchestra's own, Chris Pina. Now, here he is, the host of Eddie Pepitone Tonight, Eddie Pepitone. Hello, Frank. Where's the applause? Well, we're announcing the parade, Eddie. There's no audience. What? It's just you and me in this Armenian broad? That's not a woman. That's our band leader, Chris Pina. Hi, Eddie. That's a great outfit, Chris. You look like a Croatian hooker, right after she's worked her way through a women's glee club. Maybe I'm missing something. You are, Frank. Somewhere on Earth, it's happy hour. Eddie, I quit drinking 25 years ago. Pardon me, Frank. That's true. Now you take it in a suppository. Hey, I'm the first to admit I had a drinking problem, but that was a long time ago. No kidding you had a drinking problem. The world ran out of scotch. The point is, we're all very excited about the 123rd Annual Rose Parade. Did you know, Eddie, there are 700,000 people here celebrating with 70 million viewers around the world? Hope we don't get slaughtered by suicidal jihadists. Eddie, that's not very likely. Of course not, Frank. In your world, everybody's too busy giving each other back rups. Well, speaking of fantasies, the theme of this year's Rose Parade is American Daydreams. All of the wonderful floats we're going to see today were created with that theme in mind. That's terrific, Frank. Hey, I have a recurring daydream that just wants you all for to pay the check. And we couldn't have possibly picked a nicer day for this parade, could we? It's an absolute beauty. Yeah, it sure is a pretty day. What was that, crispina? I just said it's a pretty day. Oh, it is, huh, Chris? You think so? Yeah. I mean, isn't it, Eddie? Oh, I don't know, Chris. You tell me. I mean, it's sunny, right? Are you asking me or telling me? Telling you? Hey, look, Eddie, it's the Des Moines Consolidated High School Marching Band all the way from Des Moines. It sure is cold back there. Tell me what, Chris? What are you telling me? I'm not sure I understand the question, Eddie. Is it a pretty day or isn't it? I don't know. It's not snowing, is it? No, I don't think so. No, no, no, no, it's not. Are you sure it's not snowing? No, it's not snowing. Those Des Moines kids are so thrilled to be here in California, where the weather is so nice, according to most people. What if you're wrong, no, Chris? What then? I don't know, Eddie. Do you see the snow falling or don't you? I don't know, Eddie. I swear I don't. Eddie, some of these folks camped out all night to get a spot along the parade route. I don't think I would do that, would you? That's not an answer, Chris. Yeah, I can see snow, Eddie. You can? Mm-hmm. Really? Mm, I see snow. It's snowing. I see it, I do. Don't tell me, Chris. Tell the folks at home. Tell the folks all around the world. It's snowing, everybody. It's snowing, it's snowing. I don't believe you, Chris. It's snowing, it's really cold. It's, it's really cold. It's snowing in Pasadena, it is. It really is, I mean it. Snow, snow, beautiful snow. Eddie? Eddie? Wow, I'm sorry about that, folks. Chris Panna is not himself today. He'd recently lost someone very near and dear to him. His dealer, oh, deed. And coming around the corner, my goodness, look, Eddie. It's the Bank of America float, titled A Nation Full of Dreamers. Did you know that ATM is 30 feet high and it's made completely out of kidney beans? ATM machines are filthier than public toilets. You know, Eddie, the rules say all these floats have to be covered in living things. Right, Frank, like those hallucinations you get when you think they were bugs crawling all over you. And here come the University of Oregon cheerleaders. All right, finally, something for the grownups. Hello, ladies. They sure make me feel old. You are old, Frank. Where did they get all that energy, Eddie? Eddie? What do you want? Check it out, Frank. Third row, way over on the left, the red head, I'm in love. You mean you're in love with her school spirit and youthful enthusiasm. Yeah, right, Frank. That's it, exactly. I told you a hundred times, Eddie, I don't drink anymore. I'm not asking you to drink, Frank. Then why do you keep waving that bottle of wild turkey in my face? It'll warm you up. We've been sitting out here for three hours. It's 75 degrees, Eddie. And what goes down better on a beautiful sunny day like this than a shot of Kentucky bourbon? You're the one who's always saying I have a drinking problem, Eddie. Yes, Frank, and I'm sorry. To make it up to you, I'd like to give you a chance to prove to me and to millions of people all around the world that you don't have a drinking problem. You owe it to everyone who's ever struggled to get off the booze to take a stiff shot of this right now. That makes absolutely no sense. I know. I'm full of crap. And I say you can't handle it. Prove me wrong, Frank. Don't do it, Frank. What was that, Chris Panna? It's snowing. Look, it's snowing. It's snowing. Give me that. OK. You happy now? Here. Get this bottle out of my sight right after this one. See? It means nothing to me. I'm just going to put this bottle in my coat pocket where you sons of bitches can't get to it. Now, ladies and gentlemen, down on the street, we've got lovely actress and comedian Whitney Cummings here to share some of her observations with us. Whitney? Hey, Frank. How's it going? Much better now, thank you, sweetheart. Hey, Whitney, how you doing down there? Great, Eddie. How are you? Whitney, you look right at home standing on a street corner. What was that, Eddie? How are those two wonderful TV shows of yours doing? Well, Eddie, since I last saw you, they gave me three more shows. What the f***? No, wait a minute. Excuse me. Now it's four more shows. Congratulations. You deserve it, Whitney. Frank, you disgust me. Anybody would seem funny next to Chelsea Handler. She's a bigger drunk than you. This is such a wonderful parade, Eddie. OK, now I have seven shows. Congratulations, Whitney. You're really pretty. Oh, look, Eddie. It's the Sons of the Palominos. All right, all right. I get it. I get it. Horses. How many more goddamn horses do I have to look at? Good to know we're not going to run out of glue. Do you think Whitney likes me? No, Frank. She doesn't. I think she's beautiful. I'd rather look at an apple loose's ass. Is she married? Whitney? Whitney, are you there? Hey, Frank. I just got a book deal. Crispina? Run out and get Frank some black coffee. Hurry up. I can't get across the street. There's a parade going on, Eddie. What parade are you talking about? The roast parade? Doesn't ring a bell. Move it. Whitney? Yes, Frank? What are you doing after the parade? I'm shooting the movie based on the book I just sold. What about after that? Look at all these horses, Frank. And here come the Marines. Remember, Whitney, one Marine at a time. Well, I got out of the Marines. Nobody gave us a f***ing parade. Nobody. Hold on, everybody. Is that the Batmobile? It is the Batmobile. What's the Batmobile doing at the roast parade? And there's Crispina in the middle of his jean holding a cup of coffee. Oh, no. One of those horses just pushed Crisp in front of the Batmobile. Crisp, look out. A Croatian prostitute. Oh, Frank. Folks, my friend Frank Conif has a problem with booze. Oh, the white light. I have so much more to say. Crispina. It's not Pena. That's Drake. Nobody knows. Nobody cares. Pena, Pena. Crispina or Crispina is dead. He doesn't have a family. It doesn't matter. Do you think big and morning makes me more attractive to Whitney Cummings? He'll make me ill. Omnitol. Are you suffering from a severe life threatening depression? Then you may be in desperate need of Omnitol, the new antidepressant from the same laboratory that developed meant Romney. Like the former Massachusetts governor, Omnitol works on your central nervous system in a way that doesn't ignite passion. Instead, it ignites a placid acceptance of a life that you didn't care for in the first place. Four out of five hormongering doctors agree. Omnitol is so effective, it will have you doing things you never thought you'd do, like vote for Mitt Romney. And if you are suicidal, make sure to vote for Mitt with an absentee ballot so that your vote will count even after your brains have splattered all over the walls of your soon-to-be foreclosed home. Remember, global warming is a myth. The reason you feel so warm is because you just stuck your head in the oven. So ask your doctor about Omnitol. It's the only antidepressant with the inactive ingredients that will enable you to settle for everything in your life the same way voters are settling for Mitt Romney. I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message. That's our show. Today's program featured Lorraine Newman, Paul Dooley, June Foray, Eddie Pepitone, Mark Thompson, Janie, Haddad Tompkins, and Chris Pina. Our show is written by Steve Rosenfield, Frank Conniff, Guy Nicolucci, and Ben Zelovansky. We are mixed and engineered by Alex Steen, edited by Darren Ayers. Our production assistants are Alicia Cordova and Abigail Keyes, and our executive producer is Troy Conrad. Special thanks to Matt Perez, Ali Lex, and Jimmy Dorr, and, of course, Alan Minsky. I'm David Feldman. Please friend me on Facebook if you would like to hear a rebroadcast of this show or for additional materials. Please visit DavidFeldmancomedy.com and while you're over there, please join my mailing list. From the KPFK Studios in Southern California, I'm David Feldman. We'll see you next week, same bad time, same bad channel.