 Dating is a dance of attraction and compatibility. And most YouTubers will have you hyper focus on attraction and assume that compatibility and character will naturally follow. And when we think of character, we think of what we can think of loyalty. And today I wanna lean into the conversation of loyalty, those couples that actually bond together and are loyal together and how men go about this. All right. Now, before we dive into it, I wanna share with you, I was binge watching the Jewish matchmaker on Netflix. And if you haven't seen it, it's a, I think it's a worthwhile show. Now, mind you, it's a younger demographic for those of us that are in midlife. These are couples or individuals, I should say, that seek to build a life with someone and to start a family with someone. And they have this one common thread between them that really demonstrates the potential of loyalty in a relationship. Now, what I like about the premise is that this matchmaker, and I mean, she's from, I believe she's from Tel Aviv and I mean, and there is a lot of cultural components to this. In fact, one of the cultural components is the emphasis on family and how the family is involved in the mating process or excuse me, the courtship process, I should say. And I think that's something unique for those in several different types of cultures. It's not the same here in the United States. For those in the United States, I think a lot of people are just winging it because their family isn't involved in the decision-making process. But this one common thread that I see is that not only is the family in the decision-making process, there's a level of intentionality, a level of intentionality. So you'll see that they actually ask much deeper questions on the first, second, or third dates to determine that compatibility. And memory said earlier how a lot of the YouTubers in the genre I'm in hyper-focus on all the things to develop attraction. And yet very few of them actually lean into the conversation of compatibility and character. So how do we determine compatibility? Well, I think we have to get assessment of who they are by asking questions about their life. Now this is much more challenging for those of us in midlife because in midlife we come to the table with lack of a better word, we come to the table with baggage or luggage. In fact, many people at midlife have gone through a significant breakup, a significant divorce. And with that comes emotional traumas that makes it difficult for many people to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. In fact, if you're familiar with love attachment style, you might be aware of something called the avoidant love attachment style, fearful avoidant, disorganized, anxious, disorganized avoidant. If you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, hold on a second, I'll grab it for you right here. And by the way, all the books I recommend there's a link below. To understand attachment style and think about loyalty is about being attached to someone. So when we get an understanding how humans attach to one another, we get a better sense of how they can be loyal to one another. How we attach. Again, we hyper-focus on attraction, we hyper-focus on love, and love will just naturally solve all our problems. If we love each other, we'll naturally solve our problems. Yet, sadly, many people say the words I love you without the real meaning behind it. And I'm gonna talk about that again in a few moments. So what does it take for a man to actually demonstrate his loyalty? What does it take to show someone that he's loyal to you? Well, I think first and foremost, we have to establish building trust with one another is an essential piece of loyalty in a relationship, building trust. You know, it's fascinating to me today. And I'm guilty of what I'm about to say is, but we hyper-focus on the physical aspect of the relationship instead of the emotional aspect of the relationship, which is including building trust. And trust isn't just about fidelity. I want you to think about trust for a moment. Trust is, can I count on this person to care about my feelings? Can I count on them to care about my well-being? Do they have my best interest at heart? Think about it. People have sex before any trust is built. Or very, let me reframe that. Very little trust is built. In fact, we have a false sense of trust, basically because today, especially with, okay, let me rewind for a second. The fact of the matter is most of the time we're meeting total strangers in the dating marketplace. What's interesting about the Jewish matchmakers is some of these couples actually have affiliations with other people within their family that builds a sense of familiarity, builds a sense of trust. Because when you're dating somebody and you know somebody that knows them, you get a sense of their character more so than a total stranger. And just remember this, total strangers can tell you whatever they want. It may not be the truth. Might be the truth the way they see it, but it might not be the truth. So just remember that. So building trust requires asking deeper questions in the early stages of dating. And also demonstrating a level of commitment to one another. Again, with the hyper focus on attraction and chemistry, oftentimes the necessary components of building trust and commitment isn't prevalent. And more importantly, the building of emotional connection through emotional maturity and emotional maturity is the capacity to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent with someone. This is why in my private coaching, I have a section called Dating in the 21st Century, which includes an exercise called radical honesty, pre-qualifying your prospect. This is where you start by being transparent if it's material to people. You lay your cards on the table early on and then you establish the rules of engagement. And what I mean to say is you establish your standards of what you're looking for in a relationship. But Jonathan, I'm always told to go on a first date and just have a lively conversation, have fun. It's just the, you know, just have fun. It's all about having fun on the first date. Folks, I'm here to say, with the advent of easy access to people through our devices, we actually, my invitation for everyone, and again, this is what I teach in my private coaching right here, my invitation for everyone is to do a better job screening, screening out the wrong people and screening in the person who's more aligned to who you are and what you want. Because ultimately, if you begin to do a better job of screening out the wrong people and screening in the right people, the right people will demonstrate this piece of loyalty that's so critical for establishing a healthy, happy relationship. And I just laid out building trust, establishing commitment, being vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And then this one piece truly demonstrate that someone is building loyalty with you. And that is through the integration of each other's lives to one another. That's right, the integration of each other's lives. What does that look like? That's doing social activities. That's doing hobbies. That's doing mutual interests. That's spending time with family and friends. That's traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and professional life. And of course, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, the integration of each other into your lives will begin to develop the roots of loyalty and attachment. But the reality is, and I know many of you are suffering first and foremost, the hardest thing to find is someone you're attracted to. You're not attracted to 99.9% of the men out there Men are, men's standards for attraction is lower, but their standard, yeah, men will just sleep. Men's standard to whom they sleep with is much lower than who they'll commit to. This is why taking time, like in the Jewish matchmaker, there's a, I don't know the Yiddish term, but there's a Yiddish term where you can't touch one another until you're under the Hupa, which means you're getting married. But here today, we can kiss on the first date, we can have sex on the third date. There can be a lot of physical components to the relationship without establishing the deep roots of loyalty, the deep roots of trust through your actions. So I said earlier, I talked about I love you. When a man is loyal to you and he says the words I love you, this is what it's going to mean behind the words. I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, and I only want you. I'm here means I'm present. I'm not thinking about a past relationship. I'm not in love with my ex. I'm not overtly flirting with an ex. I'm here, I'm present to you. You matter. That means I make time for you. You are someone that matters in my life. I'm making time for you. In addition, we are important. We are important. What that means is our relationship is a separate entity and it requires a nurturing within this separate entity and I recognize the importance. I've got your back. That means I care about your best interest. I care about your best interest. I'm not going anywhere. I'm fully committed to this relationship and I only want you. Really means I only wanna have physical intimacy with you. I'm not swiping on Instagram. I'm not addicted to pornography. I only want you to satisfy my loins if you will. I love you. I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. When a man can demonstrate those actions through that intentionality, through that vulnerability, that authenticity, transparency, through that establishing commitment and declaring commitment to one another and through this building of trust, that will give you a sense of loyalty from this person. Sadly, our dating marketplace is a lot of people who are doing what I just call shoe shopping. They're just going out shoe shopping. They try some shoes on for size. They actually walk around in the shoes. They walk out in the parking lot with the shoes. They go to parties with the shoes and then they bring the shoes back and go, here, I wanna return them. That's how people are dating today. See, with the Jewish matchmaker, there's this sense of intentionality. We are meeting with the intent of exploring a possible relationship together instead of shoe shopping. So how do we do this? We ask better questions before we ever meet someone. See, ideally, it'd be great if you had a matchmaker doing some of that pre-qualifying for you ahead of time, but you have to be your own matchmaker. You have to ask those questions ahead. Otherwise, you can go on date after date after date after date and you can roll the dice, but when you're dealing in a midlife category of a lot of emotionally fucked up people, emotionally damaged people, emotionally wounded people, the reality is is probably 80% of the population or single over 45 years old are not even capable of a relationship with you. They're capable of occasional companionship, their occasional connection, occasional sex, but not all of the things I just outlined that builds loyalty. So this is a screening process of you is screening out the wrong people and screening in the right people. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. So I wanna end on one note before I take questions. Marie and I were having a conversation yesterday and she doesn't agree with my dating vows, okay? My dating vows is basically, I'll just recite it for everyone. This is a conversation two people have before they explore the physical aspect of a relationship, before they get too overtly attached on the physical level. And the question that what you say, there's a saying, have you ever heard the saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? The dating vow is before you're physically intimate with someone and it says, I agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious within the next three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually if we are having regular sex together. I agree to actively, not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, including taking down our dating profiles. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. And I agree to invest regular time in this relationship which looks like, you know, social activities, hobbies, mutual interests. Okay, so she doesn't agree with me on this. Oh, by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my dating vows. You can just go in the description and find a link to get it. I understand why she thinks that way. And for those that don't overtly attach to someone very quickly, then there might not be the necessity for this, but for those of you that attach quickly particularly through sex, I think it's important to have a conversation, especially conversation about maybe safety, you know, STDs, that sort of STDs, that sort of thing, have a conversation before you're physically intimate with someone. Because the reality is, is when we begin to bond to somebody who isn't intentional, who are what I call those spenders or users, not the grower and builders that I talk about in my videos, it can be devastating. Now, will this prevent someone, prevent, I mean, will this cause someone to agree to all this? Probably not, 90% of guys won't agree to it. They'll think it's a turnoff. But you know what, if someone genuinely likes you, he's actually not gonna have a problem with it. Believe it or not, when I shared it with Marie, because she liked me, she didn't have a, you know, it might have been a little bit of a turnoff but not enough to say a turnoff to say a deal breaker. And I'm here to encourage everyone to ask deeper questions before you get too attached to someone. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. If I'm down in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, in the description below are links to schedule a discovery call with me, my group, Instagram, that sort of thing and the dating vows. All right, for those who know my format, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter. Or you can use the little dollar sign in the chat box for a super sticker super chat. All the monies from a super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. He's my son who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of him in the Obey shirt. And as honor, I've started donating the causes like the Hoffman process, insight seminars and also to, I believe it's called Seeds of Love which is a Colombian organization to support those children who have a terminal disease but have been abandoned by their parents. So again, check out the purchase of super sticker super chat. All right, hey, really quickly today is Mother's Day. So in honor of Mother's Day, I've actually posted a picture of my ex-wife and our two boys. She is a fantastic mom. I really give her props to doing all the hard work the heavy lifting after our divorce. She deserves a lot of credit for the quality of the two boys I have. Sadly, one lives in heaven but our other son who's a great young man and I give a lot of props to her for that. So big hugs to you, Erin. Thank you so much. I just wanted to honor you on Mother's Day. And certainly my mommy as well who's been in heaven for going on almost six years today. Hilda, happy Mother's Day to you. Oh, and also to my sweetheart Marie who is a mother and a grandmother and I wanna give her props today as well on Mother's Day. All right, it looks like we have a few questions. Marcy says, the guy I like a lot and who knows I have feelings for him but says he's not ready for that kind of relationship yet always listens to all my suggestions and takes them to heart and we talk. Well, you know what Marcy? If he's not ready for the kind of relationship that you want, does he deserve the sexual benefits of the relationship? He's certainly getting the sexual, most likely he's getting the sexual benefits of the relationship. But if he's not ready, then just let him know. You know what? You go off and find, you go do what you need to do and come back to me when you're ready. Ladies, here's the challenge. When we get physically intimate with someone we become attached to someone and then they pull this. You know, it's funny how so many men start off by saying, I want a relationship, I want a relationship and then they have sex with you and all of a sudden it's like, you know what? I don't want a relationship. Listen, I am guilty of saying that. I think sometimes I've said that for, I mean, and I genuinely meant it, I'm not in a ready for a relationship with them. Okay, but there have been times when I've said it where I'm just evaluating the existing relationship. The reality is, is when you pull back and say, look, homie ain't gonna play that game it gives him an opportunity to assess, does he really want to explore a relationship with you? So I'd cut off the sex, just say, hey, go find what you need. Go play the field until you're ready. And if I'm here, you know, maybe we can talk again. Okay, Marcy, that's my two cents on that one. Oh, Leaf says, one of our members here, last note, I agree with your dating vows and stay well strong. Please wait for the Q and A to type your questions. Okay, thank you so much. All right, let's see what we've got. Here's another question from stay well strong. When a man says, I think I'm falling in love with you after four dates, what does the male perspective of this means? Great question. I have literally felt the same way. I have felt a strong attraction through lust. I felt a strong attraction through limerence very early on. Now, it's a misguided conversation. It just means he really, really likes you a lot. Okay, that's all that means is he really, really likes you a lot. The challenge is if he's not in a place to be ready for a relationship, if the ground underneath him isn't solid. Okay, he's going through a contentious divorce. He's got issues going on at work. He's got health issues. If the ground underneath him is solid, then he might desire this relationship with you, but he's not capable of it. So, he might be having strong feelings. However, I'm here to say it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust. And it takes about 200 hours of face-to-face time to build a good friendship with someone. I would say after 200 hours, if the two of you are saying I love you to each other and again, that's face-to-face time. That's not texting. That's not telephone calls. That's face-to-face. Then there's a good chance it's a legitimate feeling for him. Okay. All right, thank you so much for that one. All right, what else do we got here? Marilyn says, you are so spot on about trying on shoes and then returning them. Exactly. Sadly, that's what we're experiencing today. Marcy goes on and says, and we talk every night, what should I do? You know what? Here's the thing. I mean, talking every night builds attachment to another person. And while I'm all in favor of spending time getting to know one another, I'm more in favor of spending more time together in physical presence with one another, okay? So he says, I like you a lot, but he doesn't want a relationship with you. Again, Marcy, this is the time maybe through the telephone to really grill him. Why don't you grill him? And see his legitimacy. My hope is you haven't had sex with him, but if you have, grill him for the legitimacy. The worst thing to have happen is to have something drag out for six months only to find yourself single again. So if it's been a relatively short period of time, listen, establish the rules of engagement. And if you're not on the same page, I would move on. Okay. Hey, I wanna give a shout out to one of our members in Midlife Love Mastery. Jonathan, I appreciate you. I have to be careful because I bond through sex. Thank you for explaining this again. You're very welcome. Goes on to ask a question. How does someone handle it when someone tells you they were settling by staying with you? How does someone handle it when someone tells you they're settling by staying with you? You know, how you navigate your own feelings and emotions? I think is to remind yourself, to give yourself love when someone triggers you, when someone says something that was probably inconsiderate to you. I think that's an inconsiderate thing to say to someone saying, I'm settling to be with you. Now, to some degree, we all have to settle down. It's, you know, the thing is if, for people, a significant percentage of the population is rather picky. And I think at some point, you reach a point where you go, look, I'm not gonna get everything I want. So I have to settle down. What's most important? You know, one of the things I appreciate about Marie is she's emphasized the quality of my character in our relationship. And that really means a lot to me that she emphasizes the quality of my character, my quality of my empathy and my compassion and my passion particularly in the dating realm. And she was just sharing with me yesterday how much she admires me and respects me for that because I am addicted to wanting to help people find that secret sauce to attracting a great relationship in their life. So I think when someone focuses on your character, rather than maybe the looks, because looks do fade and our physical bodies start to wear and deteriorate, but ultimately their loyalty, their character, their conscientiousness, those are the things that matter most. And if they've settled in those areas, well, then they're not the right person for you. So thank you so much for that question. Elena just said, question from Brenda. Have a friend that is seeing a guy 30 years younger than her. How is that going to work? And she says she loves him. How's that gonna work? It's funny, Marie and I watched this show called 90 Day Fiancé the Other Way. And there's this woman, God, what's her name? Marie, what's her name with Osama? Deborah, I mean, Debbie, she's gotta be 67 years old. He's gotta be 30 something years old. And maybe he's in his 20s. So, I mean, they built this attraction through the internet and by the way, when she finally met up with them, she saw his character. Here's the thing about younger guys, especially a 30 year age difference. He might have some mommy issues. There's quite possibly that going on. He might want to use her from a financial perspective because women who are older are more established. Those are some things to be concerned about. I would say, now, what I don't know in that question is, is this a cyber relationship? If this is a cyber relationship, it ain't gonna work out. If it's actual a physical day in, day out relationship where you do social activities together, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, it possibly has a chance. But if it's a cyber relationship, it probably doesn't have a chance. Is this sinking in everybody? Please let me know. All right, Cece has a question. How should I bring up lupus, MS, or rheumatoid arthritis while dating? I have one of those with no outward symptom and it's still usually a deal breaker for most men. You know, it's interesting. I actually had the very same thing with Marie. When we met, and she might have mentioned this on the phone before, but I don't recall, that she has what's called essential tremors and benign tremors. And it's just a slight tremor. It's hereditary. And I was talking to one of my dear friends after I had my great weekend with Marie and she kind of challenged me, do you wanna be with someone who has a medical condition? And actually, no, this was after, I had this conversation with my friend after I spent the four days with Marie here in Los Angeles. And I thought to myself, you know what? I care about this person so much that that particular affliction, if you will, wasn't a deal breaker for me. You know, AIDS might have been one. I mean, I'm sorry to laugh at that. That might have been one, something that was really chronic that would lead to something debilitating in a very short period of time. I might not have been ready for, but at that moment, I didn't allow it to be a deal breaker for me. In fact, I thought, you know what? This person is so special. This person is so unique that, and I recognize that this age and midlife, you know, we are going to have physical ailments. That's just the reality of stuff. But when you build trust with someone, when you build commitment, when you have loyalty and you genuinely love someone, you look past those physical ailments. Now, I recognize in your particular question, CC, it's the early stages. I wouldn't necessarily share that with someone until you begin, you're right at that phase of building or exploring a relationship together. So the dating is the pre-qualifying, but the soonest two people decide to be physically intimate with someone, there should be enough of a bond at that point to share something intimate like that. And certainly what I end up doing is I end up doing research on the internet. And I found out that this was just a minor thing. Certainly Lupus, MS, rheumatoid arthritis, in some cases can be a bigger issue, but there's also a lot of people living healthy lives with those afflictions, if you will. I don't like the word disease, but with those ailments, if you will. And I think if you share from a very positive perspective, you know, where you stand, I think when a person have bonded together, they're less likely to want to run away. That's just my two cents on that. So thank you so much. All right, this is gonna be our last question for the day. Question is having a don't shit where you eat or no coworker relationships, especially in a small staffed office, unreasonable. I got a sneeze. All right, for those who are not familiar with what she's talking about, this is about actually dating someone in your work environment. And there is an expression, don't shit where you eat, okay? This is really tricky, depending on the size of your organization, if it's a small organization, I guess I would really hold off the physical intimacy with someone. You see, if your chances are you're really physically attracted, you wanna explore the physical piece of the relationship. But boy, I would really wanna get the sense of who this person is in their capacity to actually be capable of a significant relationship. Again, this is what I teach in my private coaching, but I certainly would wanna get a sense of real compatibility before I explore the physical with someone. And again, you're taking a huge risk if this doesn't work out. So if this person has gone through a significant divorce and they're emotionally distraught and they have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that have gone unhealed, you might find yourself physically attracted to someone and exploring the physical only to have it blow up. And it really fucking sucks to go to work with someone who has broken your heart. So I'd be very mindful of that sooner rather than later. Okay, Alexandra, I think that was a great question. Thank you so much for bringing it up. CC goes on to say thank you for the question. I really appreciate your very welcome. Hey, today is Mother's Day. For those of you who are mothers, I hope you get a chance to spend it with your children or get to connect with your children. And certainly for those of you that still have mothers, I hope you're able to connect with your mothers and or at least be able to speak to them. For those of us who have lost mothers or someone like my ex-wife who's pictured right behind me, who's lost a son, I'm sending you a lot of love on today. Today is a special day and I hope you all get a fulfillment through those special people in your lives. I wanna thank you all for allowing me to share my perspective on dating, mating, relating. And if you did have something to share, please post a comment below. If you liked this video, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, in the links below, you can schedule a discovery call with me and all that good stuff below. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic on the mark of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, excuse me, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Erica and Allison and Facebook group, Ember and Yvonne and Alexandra and Cece and Marcy and Deb and Elena and Leif and all you give Maryland. Hey folks, have a great Mother's Day. Be well, thanks by now.