 Hi guys, my name is Jane and I said I'd share my story which is, I was in a relationship with a narcissist for almost four years. Over them four years he was very, very physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually abusive. I was constantly under attack during the me being the understanding person that I am, I would always try and fix every situation. Like I was always to blame, I was a liar, I was cheat, I was unreliable, I was sneaky. I was all these horrible things that I had never been made out, I'd never been before and it made me question me, it kept bringing it back to me, what am I doing wrong? You know, why am I making such a mess of this relationship? This relationship it would be so much better if I walked so much harder at it but I was walking at it, you know, I was entirely transparent. The more transparent I became, the harder the relationship became, you know, the more I tried to prove myself that I was this innocent trustworthy person, the less I was believed. You know, don't get me wrong, there were some very, very good times in the relationship for the first year. It was fantastic, we built a really, really good friendship. We became very, very close, you know, we would have spent an awful lot of time together. I couldn't have met a nicer guy, like I was like, where is this fella coming from and this is hoping I'm waiting for all my life kind of thing and I think that was one of the hardest things at the end to wrap my head around was that none of them good times were real. You know, they got constantly questioned myself on the back of my mind, they had to be, you know, you couldn't pretend that they had to be real but you know, true educating myself and true being open and honest and sharing and being open to listening to things I've learned about narcissists, you know, even things that were very hard for me to hear about myself, like you have to take the open to take everything on board. Being in a relationship with a narcissist would probably be one of the hardest journeys you'll take in your life, you know, and you can't change that journey but you can change what becomes of you after that journey, you know, like I've been left with long lasting injuries and things and when I'm actually, I was too scared at very brutally one year ago today, one year ago today I climbed into bed and didn't get up for three months, you know, it was one year ago today was the last time I turned off the lights in my house, you know, and things like that's become my norm, you know, the lights are never off in my house because I would always have that fear that he would come back and he'd break into the house again and stuff, you know, they say hindsight is a great thing and it really, really is. If I had any idea of the kind of person I was getting involved with, I certainly wouldn't have gotten to become involved with them, you know, I would have kept walking and I certainly wouldn't have become involved with them, you know, and after my discard, before my discard, I did know I was dating with a narcissist. I thought he had maybe suffered from paranoia from years of drug use and that. So after my discard, even though I was lying in bed and I was broke and I couldn't even identify with myself anymore as a person, I didn't know who I was anymore, you know, the person that I was, she just didn't exist, she was gone, you know. From the gaslight and the loan, it got so bad, I had lost that much of my identity that I had actually sat down one day and tried to take my own life because I couldn't continue with my life because I didn't know who I was anymore. I was this horrible person, you know, and there were so many problems in the relationship and I was being made to believe that I was the cause of them and I was at the root of them and the relationship would walk would be so much better if I walked harder at it, you know. For me in my relationship, as I said, there was a lot of physical abuse. I've had numerous broken bones and I was made to believe they were my fault too, you know. They're not our fault, you know, it's not our fault getting into a relationship with somebody like this. It's not our fault. I can't stress that enough, you know, like even myself, like I sat with all the selves, you know, the self-blame, the self-doubt, the self-loading, you know. I sat with all the selves, you know. I spent three months broken and buried. I barely got up to wash myself, you know. I'd only leave the house if I really, really, really had to and even then like I'd try and make myself invisible. I'd try and hide myself, you know. I didn't want to, I didn't want the world to see me because I was this horrible, horrible person, you know. And I suppose like being, it's like a anniversary today, you know, a year from my discard and if I sit back and think about who I was a year ago today and how I was feeling, then I don't identify with her anymore, you know. I focus today on my recovery, like I'm not just free from a narcissistic relationship, we're in recovery, you know, and it's an ongoing process, you know. I really trim myself down the rabbit hole of learning about narcissism, you know. And in some ways they can overdo and that can be a bad thing too, you know. So I had to learn how to find the balance to get the balance right as much as I was learning about narcissism and saucy paths and dark triads and Jezebel spirits and different things. I had to make sure that I learned a lot about myself as well because I needed to be able to identify me again. I would love nothing more to go back to the person that I was before I had my narcissist relationship, you know. But I've accepted, I can't ever go back to her, there's been far too much damage done. She doesn't exist anymore, you know. But I'm growing to love the person that is common, you know, the person that I am becoming, you know. You learn that you're the like, you know, they want to be, like for me and my relationship with the narcissist I was with, like he wanted to become me. He wanted me so much that he wanted to become me, you know that way. And like even at the time that I tried to take my own life because of the relationship, I didn't know the time it was because of the relationship, you know. I thought I was losing my mind that I was just this horrible, horrible person, you know, and nothing could have been further from the truth, you know. I became a prisoner, you know, even when he wasn't there, I still would still have felt very much controlled by him, you know, that way. Like even when he wasn't there, he could be 50 miles away and I would feel like he was only feet away from me, like I always felt watched, you know. I always felt I always felt that he was watching me and listening to me in different things. And it was only after the breakdown of when I was discarded that I found out that he had hidden apps on my phone and stuff where all my calls and texts and things were going to his PC and stuff. So you had like, you know, privacy whatsoever, you know, that way. Not that I needed any because I would have been entirely transparent with him, you know. Like as I said, I didn't realize Sean, I didn't realize he suffered from a personality disorder. But I knew there was something very, very wrong and I endeavored to help him. That's what those empaths do, like we put our own needs aside and we help others, you know, that way. I didn't realize at the time he couldn't be helped, you know. I mean, wow, I used to practice Reiki on him. I would already cleanse and angel heal and I really, really, really, really tried to pour the good into some into him, you know. But you can't pour good. It's like pouring it into a sieve, you know, it just pours straight back out the bottom of it, you know, it doesn't walk, you know. I think the hard, one of the hardest parts for me to accept after my discarding stuff, you know, when I started on my healing journey, like I know it was discarded a year ago, he tried to hoover a few months ago, but he came back to a very different moment. I was quite ready for him, you know, that way I had started learning about narcissism and narcissistic MPD and he came back to a very well-informed woman and he couldn't believe it. He just didn't accept it, you know, that way. If I knew then what I know now, I certainly wouldn't have ever got into a relationship with him. If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have had a lot of relationships or friendships that I had in my life because I didn't understand narcissism, you know. I would always look at people as, you know, I'd say if something happened to their life that that's broken them, you know. But when you're dealing with narcissists, you know, you can say, oh, they don't know what they're doing and, you know, treatment, they become self-aware. From my experience, you know, the average self-aware mind was, he knew to hide the abuse, you know. Today I still suffer with anxiety, you know. I'm very fearful of new situations and new people and what I do my best, I push myself, you know, I have to keep pushing myself to get past it because if you don't try and push yourself onto a better quality of life, we might as well still be with them, you know. Because when I think of how miserable I was in the relationship that I was so desperately trying to hold together, you know. One of the hardest things for me to accept, you know, when I started on my journey of healing and recovery was the betrayal, you know, like that betrayal, this person you trusted the most in the world, you know, could betray you so badly in a way that it's so very hard to wrap your head around, like they're so disordered, you know. Today, like if I was to watch a documentary about an innocent person on that road that fights with our innocence for 20 years, I can relate to that person today because I know what it's like to stand and fight for your innocence and constantly fight and fight and fight, you had to fight, you had to do, you had to fight to be truthful, you know, your truth wasn't good enough. The more honest I was the less I was believed, you know. I was completely isolated from my children, my grandchildren, friends I had none left, you know, from all the gaslight and the trauma bonding and everything else, like this time a year ago I was incapable of having a conversation, you know. I just couldn't even speak to my children, you know. I was making silly mistakes and walk, everything was so hard, you know, and today I know none of that was because of me, it was because of everything that was being dumped on me, you know. It is quite hard today, like I'm a year away from them, and it is still very hard, you know. I still have my days in bed, like I'm lucky now at work, I leave home the days that I'm in work and the rest of the week I'm at home and I'm learning about narcissism but I'm putting a lot of work into learning about myself, you know, and that's the key to it. For me anyway, like as I've said, like I was discarded a year ago today so we went along on the first lockdown, you know, so I was going through all these different emotions and thoughts and everything else and there was no support there, you know, because of lockdown and everything being shut, you know. So I had to get myself through, you know, and I've done that to the best of my ability, you know, and I'm proud of the woman that's sitting here today compared to the woman that was sitting in bed broke a year ago today, you know. When we get away from the narcissist it's so important to learn about narcissism, you know, it's so important, I think that it should be taught in schools, you know, it's such an evilness, you know, and I think it's so hard to fathom it because you just can't believe people like this exist in the world, you know, that way. And then the more you learn about them and yeah, it's just, it's terrifying but it's fascinating, you know, that the depravity of some people, you know, like in the time that I've got to wait for my ex, like, I've come to find out how much of a deviant he actually is and how dangerous he actually is and the things he has done in his past, you know. When I found out I was dating with a narcissist I started getting a little bit stronger, you know, and then started getting out of my bed a little bit more and started learning, that was when I started to learn and journey, you know, and I started doing practice, practice and Tai Chi and doing a little bit of Reiki on myself every day and stuff, you know, and it does, it does work, we look, everybody finds their own way through, but you have to be open to it, you have to allow yourself to heal, you know. Like, my vibration today is an awful lot higher than it was a year ago today, you know, a year ago today I was on my knees. I didn't want to be alive anymore, you know. I didn't feel good enough to be part of the world, you know, I was such a horrible person that I had ruined everything and none of it was true, you know, that way. My discount was really, really brutal. We had spent a number of months fixing up his house and stuff and I was like a prisoner, he would follow me into the bathroom, you know, I couldn't even go run to the local shop, I couldn't even see my children, you know, or my grandchildren and I was constantly, constantly, constantly under attack, you know. Even when I went to sleep I wasn't safe from him, you know, he'd wake me up in the middle of the night with a knee in the back and then be like, why are you awake? I know you're up to something, you know. The emotional damage that relationship has done to me, I'll never be the same person again, I can't be her anymore, you know, but I'm grown to love the person that I am becoming, you know. I'm getting better, I'm mucketting better, you know, that way. I wouldn't recommend it to anybody unless you're very, very sure you can do it, but when I started, when I started learning about narcissism I reached out to his ex-partners and I was told some really, really shocking stories, you know, and that made me all the more determined to stand up to him, you know. It's not something I'd recommend to anybody, you know, unless you're really, really certain you can do this because it's after the discard and stuff that they can become very unpredictable and that's something I learned with my ex, you know, that way. But I stood up to him, you know, I revealed him everywhere, I had him in court, it didn't make me feel any better, but I let him know that somebody will stand up to you, you know, that the day has come that somebody is stronger than me, that somebody that you have put your head has realized just how strong they are, you know, and they're not going to take it off you and hopefully by standing up they'll prevent, it'll prevent you doing it to another woman, you know, that way. And it was only because of my own strength as an individual, knowing him as well as I know him, knowing how careful I had to be, how safe I had to be, and I still have to be, you know. Sometimes I'd say maybe I shouldn't have stood up to him, you know, maybe I should have just done the rest of the day and you know, just run away and try to rebuild their lives as best as they could, but I felt I had to do, you know, I've always stood up for injustice and stuff, you know, and I stood up to him, you know, and I brought him to his knees, you know, sometimes I regret it, like I'm certainly not a narcissistic person, you know, that way I'd always, always go any way to help people, you know, and it's like some of the videos I've watched on this learning journey and stuff, you know, when patty people who are going to stand up to the narcissist, they'll only ever do to the narcissist, you know, that they mirror them back at them, you know, and that's what I did, you know, and he couldn't believe it, you know, they just couldn't believe it, like they'd never been spoken to that way before in their life, but I'm okay with that, you know, you know, for me, I know how dangerous my ex can be, I know deep down on myself that man is capable of dealing to a woman, you know, I worry about his new supply, you know, I worry what he will do to her, you know, for me, like before I met my ex, I would have been the strongest woman I knew, you know, that way, I didn't, I didn't want to be alive anymore because of what he was being portrayal, you know, and I couldn't, at the time I couldn't identify it, because you don't even know about narcissism when your life is impacted by a narcissist, you know, and knowledge is power, we need to know about these people before we meet them, before the damage is done, you know, and we need to, we need to join together, we need to share our stories, share our experience, our strengths, our hopes, our fears, you know, and that's one thing that's really got me through and it was so important to me in my, in so important to me in my recovery is, I have to be very honest and very vulnerable in my sharing in order for me to hail, you know, and we will hail, you know, that way we will get better, you know, we're bright, we're bright lights in the world and our narcissistic sexes aren't, they're just surrounded by darkness, you know, and they'll just take the suck and suck and suck the life out of you, you know, that way. I remember a couple of months after my discard, I walked into a family member's home Monday and they said, wow, never realized how small you are, and I'm like the same height I've always been, but it was in that moment that I knew he had stripped me of my personality and my presence and, you know, my aura and he made me look smaller, you know, other people looked at me and I didn't look like the big bubble in personality that I was before I met him, you know, I was small, I couldn't communicate, I was shy, I was afraid, but we can't keep giving them that power over our lives, we can't, knowledge is power, we can't keep letting them define our lives, you know, and all I can say is just go, no contact, you know, it'll break your heart to do it, you know, it's so hard because you will want to communicate with this person, you know, of course you will want to talk to them on one stage in your life, they're your best friend, you know, but don't do it, you know, as soon as you let that door open a little bit, it'll be worse than it was before, you know, and even though you feel so low in yourself, you're still bought so much more than that, you know, from me my narcissist ex didn't want to be with me, he wanted to become me, he wanted my life, you know, he wanted my strengths, you know, he wanted the sparkle in my eye, you know, and these are all things that he did get, but my vibration won't allow me to stay down that low, he will, I'm taking my power back, you know, and I'm doing it through healing, through honest and honest sharing and helping others, you know, I'm by helping others, I'm helping myself as well, you know, that way, and it's lovely to be able to turn my experience into someone else's survival guide, I've seen written somewhere one day, you know, like, it's horrible to go through this journey, but you know what, when you're at the other side, and God willing, you know, you're strong, and you're stronger than you were before you met this person, you know, you will start healing and you'll start making a difference in your own life, and that difference will start impacting everybody's life, you know, and if you can help others, you know, be honest, be open, and share your story, and because like, I can't stress it, enough knowledge is power, you know, we need to learn so much about these people, you know, and for me, that's it, and look together, we'll heal, you know, we will heal if we're open to it, we will heal, you know, remember who you were, not who this person tells you you're where, you know, you know, remember what you can do, what not what this person told you you can't do, you know, yeah, you know, and it can be so dangerous the situation with these people, my own experience, at times I would root, it would root to the ground and I would just stand rigid for hours being screamed out for things I hadn't done, you know, and if you're out, stay out, if you're no contact, I can't stress it enough, stay no contact, you know, and let yourself heal, you know, feel the emotions that you're going through, and allow yourself to heal, you're very right to feel better, you know, you've just been attacked physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, sexually, you've been just being under so many attacks that it takes time to give yourself that time to give it, we have to give ourselves that time, you know, baby steps, you know, baby steps, you know, my very young, very young granddaughter and her attitude to life is slow and steady, everything is always slow and steady, and I've taken that on board now as well, everything is slow and steady, you know, and don't be down yourself, we can't be where everything they want to, they want to be and they can never be, you know, we've built souls, we've built spirits, you know, we've built a shine to us, you know, don't think it's not going to get anywhere, we'll get better, you know, together we'll heal, and I'm so grateful for this, for an ex- survivor in the different groups than it meant because I probably wouldn't be here today without them, you know, they've helped save my life, and if I can go on and help save even one person's life, you know, everything I went through will be water, because it's taught me another whole side of life, you know, but I'll wrap it up here because I'm just rambling now, you know, and I wish us all well, you know, I wish us all love and light in your journey, yeah, together we will heal, you know, the bright light will always win over darkness, you know, it doesn't matter how dark a night gets, the light will always come out, you know, in the morning, so be strong and be brave, thanks guys, bye.