 Section 1 of Winsome Winnie and Other New Nonsense Novels. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Winsome Winnie and Other New Nonsense Novels by Stephen Lee Cock. Section 1. Winsome Winnie or Trial and Temptation, narrated after the best models of 1875. Chapter 1. Throne on the World Miss Winifred, said the old lawyer, looking keenly over and through his shaggy eyebrows at the fair young creature seated before him, you are this morning twenty-one. Winifred Claire raised her deep morning veil, lowered her eyes and folded her hands. This morning, continued Mr. Bonehead, my guardianship is at an end. There was a tone of something like emotion in the voice of the stern old lawyer, while for a moment his eye glistened with something like a tear which he hastened to remove with something like a handkerchief. I have therefore sent for you, he went on, to render you an account of my trust. He heaved a sigh at her, and then reaching out his hand, he pulled the woollen bell-rope up and down several times. An aged clerk appeared. Did the bell ring, he said? I think it did, said the lawyer. Be good enough, Atkinson, to fetch me the papers of the estate of the late Major Claire Defunct. I have them here, said the clerk, and he laid upon the table a bundle of faded blue papers and withdrew. Miss Winifred, resumed the old lawyer, I will now proceed to give you an account of the disposition that has been made of your property. This first document refers to the sum of two thousand pounds left to you by your great-uncle. It is lost. Winifred bowed. Pray give me your best attention, and I will endeavor to explain to you how I lost it. Oh, sir! cried Winifred, I am only a poor girl unskilled in the ways of the world, and knowing nothing but music and French. I fear that the details of business are beyond my grasp, but if it is lost, I gather that it is gone. It is, said Mr. Bonehead. I lost it in a marginal option in an undeveloped oil company. I suppose that means nothing to you. Alas! sighed Winifred, nothing. Very good, resumed the lawyer. Here next we have a statement in regard to the thousand pounds left you under the will of your maternal grandmother. I lost it at Monte Carlo, but I need not fatigue you with the details. Pray spare them, cried the girl. This final item relates to the sum of fifteen hundred pounds placed in trust for you by your uncle. I lost it on a race horse. That horse, added the old lawyer with rising excitement, ought to have won. He was coming down the stretch like blue. But there, there, my dear, you must forgive me if the recollection of it still stirs me to anger. Suffice it to say the horse fell. I have kept for your inspection the scorecard of the race and the betting tickets. You will find everything in order. Sir, said Winifred, as Mr. Bonehead proceeded to fold up his papers, I am but a poor inadequate girl, a mere child in business. But tell me, I pray, what is left to me of the money that you have managed? Nothing, said the lawyer. Everything is gone, and I regret to say, Miss Claire, that it is my painful duty to convey to you a further disclosure of a distressing nature. It concerns your birth. Just heaven, cried Winifred, with a woman's quick intuition. Does it concern my father? It does, Miss Claire. Your father was not your father. Oh, sir, exclaimed Winifred, my poor mother, how she must have suffered. Your mother was not your mother, said the old lawyer gravely. Nay, nay, do not question me, there is a dark secret about your birth. Alas, said Winifred, wringing her hands, I am then alone in the world and penniless. You are, said Mr. Bonehead, deeply moved. You are, unfortunately, thrown upon the world. But, if you ever find yourself in a position where you need help and advice, do not scruple to come to me, especially, he added, for advice. And meantime, let me ask you in what way do you propose to earn your livelihood? I have my needle, said Winifred. Let me see it, said the lawyer. Winifred showed it to him. I fear, said Mr. Bonehead, shaking his head, you will not do much with that. Then he rang the bell again. Atkinson, he said, take Miss Clare out and throw her on the world. CHAPTER II A RENCOUNTER As Winifred Clare passed down the stairway leading from the lawyer's office, a figure appeared before her in the corridor blocking the way. It was that of a tall, aristocratic-looking man whose features wore that peculiarly sadder-nine appearance seen only in the English nobility. The face, while entirely gentlemanly in its general aspect, was stamped with all the worst passions of mankind. Had the innocent girl but known it, the face was that of Lord Winchgate, one of the most contemptible of the greater nobility of Britain, and the figure was his, too. Ha! exclaimed the dissolute aristocrat, whom have we here? Stay, pretty one, and let me see the fair countenance that I divine behind your veil. Sir, said Winifred, drawing herself up proudly, let me pass, I pray. Not so, cried Winchgate, reaching out and seizing his intended victim by the wrist, not till I have at least seen the color of those eyes and imprinted a kiss upon those fair lips. With a brutal laugh he drew the struggling girl towards him. In another moment the aristocratic villain would have succeeded in lifting the veil of the unhappy girl, when suddenly a ringing voice cried, Hold, stop, desist, be gone, lay to, cut it out. With these words a tall, athletic young man, attracted doubtless by the girl's cries, leapt into the corridor from the street without. His figure was that, more or less, of a Greek god, while his face, although at the moment inflamed with anger, was of an entirely moral and permissible configuration. Save me, save me, cried Winifred. I will, cried the stranger, rushing towards Lord Winchgate with uplifted cane. But the cowardly aristocrat did not await the onslaught of the unknown. You shall yet be mine, he hissed in Winifred's ear, and, releasing his grasp, he rushed with a bound past the rescuer into the street. Oh, sir! said Winifred, clasping her hands and falling on her knees in gratitude. I am only a poor inadequate girl, but if the prayers of one who can offer not but her prayers to her benefactor can avail to the advantage of one who appears to have every conceivable advantage already, let him know that they are his. Nay, said the stranger, as he aided the blushing girl to rise, kneel not to me, I beseech. If I have done ought to deserve the gratitude of one who, whoever she is, will remain forever present as a bright memory in the breast of one in whose breast such memories are all too few, he is all too richly repaid. If she does that, he is blessed indeed. She does, he is, cried Winifred, deeply moved. Here on her knees she blesses him, and now, she added, we must part, seek not to follow me. One who has aided a poor girl in the hour of need will respect her wish when she tells him that, alone and buffeted by the world, her one prayer is that he will leave her. He will, cried the unknown, he will, he does. Leave me, yes, leave me, exclaimed Winifred. I will, said the unknown. Do, do, sobbed the distraught girl, yet stay one moment more, let she, who has received so much from her benefactor, at least know his name. He cannot, he must not, exclaimed the indistinguishable, his birth is such, but enough. He tore his hand from the girl's detaining clasp and rushed forth from the place. Winifred Clare was alone. CHAPTER III. FRIENDS IN DISTRESS Winifred was now in the humblest lodgings in the humblest part of London. A simple bedroom and sitting-room sufficed for her wants. Here she sat on her trunk, bravely planning for the future. Miss Clare, said the landlady, knocking at the door, do try to eat something, you must keep up your health. See, I brought you a kippered herring. Winifred ate the herring, her heart filled with gratitude. With renewed strength, she sallied forth on the street to resume her vain search for employment. For two weeks now, Winifred Clare had sought employment even of the humblest character. At various dressmaking establishments she had offered, to no purpose, the services of her needle. They had looked at it and refused it. In vain she had offered to various editors and publishers the use of her pen. They had examined it coldly and refused it. She had tried fruitlessly to obtain a position of trust. The various banks and trust companies to which she had applied declined her services. In vain she had advertised in the newspapers offering to take sole charge of a little girl. No one would give her one. Her slender stock of money, which she had in her purse on leaving Mr. Bonehead's office, was almost consumed. Each night the unhappy girl returned to her lodging exhausted with disappointment and fatigue. Yet even in her adversity she was not altogether friendless. Each evening on her return home a soft tap was heard at the door. Miss Clare, said the voice of the landlady, I have brought you a fried egg. Just keep up your strength. Then one morning a terrible temptation had risen before her. Miss Clare, said the manager of an agency to which she had applied, I am glad to be able at last to make you a definite offer of employment. Are you prepared to go upon the stage? The stage! A flush of shame and indignation swept over the girl. Had it come to this, little versed in the world as Winifred was, she knew but too well the horror, the iniquity, the depth of degradation implied in the word. Yes, continued the agent, I have a letter here asking me to recommend a young lady of suitable refinement to play the part of Eliza in Uncle Tom's cabin. Will you accept? Sir, said Winifred proudly, answer me first this question fairly. If I go upon the stage, can I as Eliza remain as innocent as simple as I am now? You cannot, said the manager. Then, sir, said Winifred, rising from her chair, let me say this, your offer is doubtless intended to be kind. Coming from the class you do and inspired by the ideas you are, you no doubt mean well. But let a poor girl, friendless and alone, tell you that rather than accept such a degradation, she will die. Very good, said the manager. I go forth, cried Winifred, to perish. All right, said the manager. The door closed behind her. Winifred Clare, once more upon the street, sank down upon the steps of the building in a swoon. But at this very juncture, Providence, which always watches over the innocent and defenseless, was keeping its eye direct upon Winifred. At that very moment, when our heroine sank fainting upon the doorstep, a handsome equipage drawn by two superb black steeds happened to pass along the street. Its appearance and character proclaimed it at once to be one of those vehicles in which only the superior classes of the exclusive aristocracy are privileged to ride. Its sides were emblazoned with escutcheons, insignia, and other paraphernalia, that appeared up its paneling, surmounted by a bunch of huckleberries, quartered in a field of potatoes, indicated that its possessor was, at least, of the rank of Marquis. A coachman and two grooms rode in front while two footmen seated in the boot or box at the rear contrived by the immobility of their attitude and the melancholy of their faces to inspire the scene with an exclusive and aristocratic grandeur. The occupants of the equipage, for we refuse to count the menials as being such, were two in number, a lady and a gentleman, both of advanced years. Their snow-white hair and benign countenances indicated that they belonged to that rare class of beings to whom rank and wealth are but an incentive to nobler things. A gentle philanthropy played all over their faces and their eyes sought eagerly in the passing scene of the humble street for new objects of benefaction. Those acquainted with the countenances of the aristocracy would have recognized at once in the occupants of the equipage the Marquis of Muddlenut and his spouse, the Marchioness. It was the eye of the Marchioness who first detected the form of Winifred Clair upon the doorstep. Hold, pause, stop! She cried in lively agitation. The horses were at once pulled in, the brakes applied to the wheels and with the aid of a powerful lever operated by three of the menials the carriage was brought to a standstill. See, look! cried the Marchioness. She has fainted. Quick, William, you're flassed. Let us hasten to her aid. In another moment the noble lady was bending over the prostrate form of Winifred Clair and pouring brandy between her lips. Winifred opened her eyes. Where am I? She asked feebly. She speaks, cried the Marchioness. Give her another flaskful. After the second flask the girl sat up. Tell me, she cried, clasping her hands. What has happened? Where am I? With friends, answered the Marchioness. But do not say to speak. Drink this. You must husband your strength. Meantime let us drive you to your home. Winifred was lifted tenderly by the man-servants into the aristocratic equipage. The break was unset, the lever reversed, and the carriage thrown again into motion. On the way Winifred at the solicitation of the Marchioness related her story. My poor child exclaimed the lady how you must have suffered. Thank heaven it is over now. Tomorrow we shall call for you and bring you away with us to Muddlenut Chase. Alas could she but have known it before the morrow should dawn worse dangers still were in store for our heroine. But what these dangers were we must reserve for another chapter. Chapter 4 A Gambling Party in St. James's Close We must now ask our readers to shift the scene, if they don't mind doing this for us in the middle of Winchgate in St. James's Close. The hour is nine o'clock in the evening and the picture before us is one of revelry and dissipation so characteristic of the nobility of England. The atmosphere of the room is thick with blue Havana smoke such as is used by the nobility. While on the green bay's table a litter of counters and cards in which aces, kings, and even two spots are heaped in confusion proclaim the reckless nature of the play. Seated about the table are six men dressed in the height of fashion each with collar and white necktie and broad white shirt their faces stamped with all or nearly all of the baser passions of mankind. Lord Winchgate, for it was he who sat at the head of the table rose with an oath and flung his cards upon the table. Al turned and looked at him with an oath. Cursed Dogwood he exclaimed with another oath to the man who sat beside him. Take the money I play no more tonight my luck is out. Ha-ha! laughed Lord Dogwood with the third oath your mind is not on the cards who is the latest young beauty pray who so absorbs you I hear a whisper in town of a certain misadventure of yours Dogwood, said Lynchgate clenching his fist have a care man or you shall measure the length of my sword. Both noblemen faced each other their hands upon their swords. My lords, my lords pleaded a distinguished looking man of more advanced years who sat at one side of the table and in whose features the habituase of diplomatic circles would have recognized the handsome linements of the marquee of Frogwater British ambassador to Siam. Let us have no quarreling come Winchgate, come Dogwood he continued with a mild oath put up your swords it were a shame to waste time in private quarreling they may be needed all too soon in Cochin China or for the matter of that he added sadly in Cambodia or in Dutch Guinea Frogwater said the young Lord Dogwood with a generous flush I was wrong, Winchgate, your hand the two noblemen shook hands my friends said Lord Winchgate in asking you to abandon our game I had an end in view I ask your help in an affair of the heart Ha! excellent exclaimed the five noblemen we are with you heart and soul I propose this night continued Winchgate with your help to carry off a young girl a female an abduction exclaimed the ambassador somewhat sternly Winchgate I cannot countenance this mistake me not said the Earl I intend to abduct her but I propose nothing dishonorable it is my firm resolve to offer her marriage then said Lord Frogwater I am with you gentlemen concluded Winchgate all is ready the coach is below I have provided masks pistols and black cloaks follow me a few moments later a coach with the blinds drawn in which were six noblemen armed to the teeth might have been seen were it not for the darkness approaching the humble lodging in which Winifred Claire was sheltered but what it did when it got there we must leave to another chapter chapter five the abduction the hour was twenty minutes to ten on the evening described in our last chapter Winifred Claire was seated still fully dressed at the window of the bedroom looking out over the great city a light tap came at the door if it's a fried egg called Winifred softly I do not need it I ate yesterday no said the voice of the landlady you are wanted below I exclaimed Winifred below you said the landlady below a party of gentlemen have called for you gentlemen exclaimed Winifred putting her hand on her brow in perplexity for me at this late hour here this evening in this house yes repeated the landlady six gentlemen they arrived in a closed coach they are all closely masked and heavily armed they beg you will descend at once heaven cried the unhappy girl is it possible that they mean to abduct me they do said the landlady they said so alas cried Winifred I am powerless tell them she hesitated tell them I will be down immediately let them not come up keep them below on any pretext show them an album let them look at the goldfish here I shall be ready in a moment feverishly she made herself ready as hastily as possible she removed all traces of tears from her face she threw about her shoulders an opera cloak and with a light venetian scarf half concealed the beauty of her hair and features abducted she murmured and by six of them I think she said six oh the horror of it and a slight blackening of her eyebrows and the courageous girl was ready lord winchgate and his companions for they it was that is to say they were it sat below in the sitting-room looking at the albums woman said lord winchgate to the landlady with an oath let her hurry up we have seen enough of these we can wait no longer I am here cried a clear voice upon the threshold and winifred stood before them my lords for I divine who you are and wherefore you have come take me do your worst with me but spare oh spare this humble companion of my sorrow ride oh said lord dogwood with a brutal laugh enough exclaimed winchgate and seizing winifred by the waist he dragged her forth out of the house and out upon the street but something in the brutal violence of his behavior seemed to kindle for a moment a spark of manly feeling if such there were in the breasts of his companions winchgate cried young lord dogwood my mind misgives me I doubt if this is a gentlemanly thing to do I'll have no further hand in it a chorus of approval from his companions endorsed his utterance for a moment they hesitated nay cried winifred turning to confront the masked faces that stood about her go forward with your fell design I am here I am helpless let no prayers stay your hand go to it have done with this cried winchgate with a brutal oath shove her in the coach but at the very moment the sound of hurrying footsteps was heard and a clear ringing manly well-toned vibrating voice hold stop desist have a care titled villain or I will strike you to the earth a tall aristocratic form bounded out of the darkness gentlemen cried winchgate releasing his hold upon the frightened girl we are betrayed save yourselves to the coach in another instant the six noblemen had leaped into the coach and disappeared down the street winifred still half inanimate frightened turned to her rescuer and saw before her the form in linements of the unknown stranger who had thus twice stood between her and disaster half fainting she fell swooning into his arms dear lady he exclaimed rouse yourself you are safe let me restore you to your home that voice cried winifred resuming consciousness it is my benefactor she would have swooned again but the unknown lifted her bodily up the steps of her home and leaned her against the door farewell he said in a voice resonant with gloom oh sir cried the unhappy girl let one who owes so much to one who has saved her in her hour of need at least know his name but the stranger with a mournful gesture of farewell had disappeared as rapidly as he had come but as to why he had disappeared we must ask our readers patience for another chapter Chapter 6 the unknown the scene is now shifted sideways and forwards so as to put it at muddle-nut chase and to make it a fortnight later than the events related in the last chapter winifred is now at the chase as the guest of the Marquis and Marciennes there her bruised soul finds peace the chase itself was one of those typical country homes which are or were till yesterday the glory of England the approach to the chase lay through twenty miles of glorious forest filled with fallow deer and wild bulls the house itself dating from the time of the Plantagenets was surrounded by a moat covered with broad lilies and floating green scum magnificent peacocks sunned themselves while from the surrounding shrubberies there rose the soft murmur of doves pigeons, bats, owls and partridges here sat winifred clear day after day upon the terrace recovering her strength under the tender solicitude of the Marciennes each day the girl urged upon her noble hostess the necessity of her departure nay said the Marciennes with gentle insistence stay where you are your soul is bruised you must rest alas! cried Winifred who am I that I should rest alone despised buffeted by fate what right have I to your kindness Miss Claire replied the noble lady wait till you are stronger there is something that I wish to say to you then at last one morning when Winifred's temperature had fallen to ninety-eight point three Miss Claire she said in a voice which throbbed with emotion Winifred if I may so call you Lord Muddlenut and I have formed a plan for your future it is our dearest wish that you should marry our son alas! cried Winifred while tears rose in her eyes it cannot be say not so cried the Marciennes our son Lord Mordant Muddlenut is young, handsome all that a girl could desire after months of wandering he returns to us this morning it is our dearest wish to see him married and established we offer you his hand indeed replied Winifred while her tears fell even more freely I seem to be quite but ill the kindness that you show alas! my heart is no longer in my keeping where is it cried the Marciennes it is another's one whose name I do not know holds it in his keeping but at this moment a blithe glad some step was heard upon the flagstones of the terrace a manly ringing voice which sent a thrill to Winifred's heart cried mother and in another instant Lord Mordant Muddlenut for he it was had folded the Marciennes to his heart Winifred rose her heart beating wildly one glance was enough the newcomer Lord Mordant was none other than the unknown the unaccountable to whose protection she had twice owed her life with a wild cry Winifred Clare leaped across the flagstones of the terrace and fled into the park Chapter 7 The Proposal they stood beneath the great trees of the ancestral park into which Lord Mordant had followed Winifred at a single bound all about them was the radiance of early June Lord Mordant knelt on one knee on the green suede and with a touch in which respect and reverence were mingled with the deepest and manliest emotion he took between his finger and thumb the tip of the girl's gloved hand Miss Clare he uttered in a voice suffused with the deepest yearning yet vibrating with the most profound respect Miss Clare Winifred hear me I implore Alas cried Winifred struggling in vain to disengage the tip of her glove from the impetuous clasp of the young nobleman Alas wither can I fly I do not know my way through the wood and there are bulls in all directions I am not used to them Lord Mordant I implore you let the tears of one but little filled in the art of dissimulation nay Winifred said the young Earl fly not hear me out let me fly begged the unhappy girl you must not fly pleaded Mordant let me first hear upon bended knee convey to you the expression of a devotion a love as ardent and as deep as ever burned in a human heart Winifred be my bride oh sir sir if the knowledge of a gratitude a thankfulness from one whose heart will ever treasure as its proudest memory the recollection of one who did for one all that one could have wanted done for one if this be some poor Gwerdan let it suffice but alas my birth the dark secret of my birth forbids nay cried Mordant leaping now to his feet your birth is all right I looked into it myself it is as good or nearly as good as my own till I knew this my lips were sealed by duty while I supposed that you had a lower birth and eye in upper I was bound to silence but come with me to the house there is one arrived with me who will explain all hand in hand the lovers for such they now were returned to the chase her key and the Marchioness were standing ready to greet them my child exclaimed the noble lady as she folded Winifred to her heart then she turned to her son let her know all she cried Lord Mordant stepped across the room to a curtain he drew it aside and there stepped forth Mr. Bonehead the old lawyer who had cast Winifred upon the world Miss Claire said the lawyer advancing and taking the girls hand for a moment in a kindly class the time has come for me to explain all you are not you never were the penniless girl that you suppose under the terms of your father's will I was called upon to act a part and to throw you upon the world it was my client's wish and I followed it I told you quite truthfully that I had put part of your money into options in an oil well that well is now producing a million gallons of gasoline a month a million gallons cried Winifred I can never use it wait till you own a motor car Miss Winifred said the lawyer then I am rich exclaimed the bewildered girl rich beyond your dreams answered the lawyer Miss Claire you own in your own right about half of the state of Texas I think it is in Texas at any rate either Texas or Rhode Island or one of those big states in America more than this I have invested your property since your father's death so wisely that even after paying the income tax and the property tax the inheritance tax the dog tax and the tax on amusements you still have one half of one percent to spend Winifred clasped her hands I knew it all the time said Lord Mardant drawing the girl to his embrace I found it out through this good man we knew it too said the Marchioness can you forgive us darling our little plot for your welfare had we not done this Mardant might have had to follow you over to America and chase you all around Newport and Narragansett at a fearful expense how can I thank you enough cried Winifred then she added eagerly and my birth my descent it is all right interjected the old lawyer it is a one your father who died before you were born quite a little time before belongs to the very highest of Wales you are descended directly from Claire Claire who murdered Owen Glendauer your mother we are still tracing up but we have already connected her with Floyd Floyd who murdered Prince Mardant oh sir cried the grateful girl I only hope I may prove worthy of them one thing more said Lord Mardant and stepping over to another curtain he drew it aside and there emerged Lord Winchgate he stood before Winifred a manly contrition struggling upon features which but for the evil courses of he who wore them might have been almost presentable Miss Claire he said I beg your pardon I tried to carry you off I never will again but before we part let me say that my acquaintance with you has made me a better man broader bigger and I hope deeper with a profound bow Lord Winchgate took his leave Chapter 8 Wetted at last Lord Mardant and his bride were married forthwith in the parish church with Winifred's money they have drained the moat rebuilt the chase and chased the bulls out of the park they have six children so far and are respected, honored and revered in the countryside far and wide over a radius of 20 miles in circumference End of Section 1 Recording by Trisha G Section 2 of Winsome Winnie and other new nonsense novels this LibreBox recording is in the public domain Winsome Winnie and other new nonsense novels by Stephen Leacock Section 2 John and I or how I nearly lost my husband narrated after the approved fashion of the best heart and home magazines it was after we had been married about two years that I began to feel that I needed more air every time I looked at John across the breakfast table felt as if I must have more air more space I seemed to feel as if I had no room to expand I had begun to ask myself whether I had been wise in marrying John whether John was really sufficient for my development I felt cramped and shut in in spite of myself the question would arise in my mind whether John really understood my nature he had a way of reading the newspaper propped up against the sugar bowl and asked that somehow made me feel as if things had gone all wrong it was bitter to realize that the time had come when John could prefer the newspaper to his wise society but perhaps I had better go back and tell the whole miserable story from the beginning I shall never forget I suppose no woman ever does the evening when John first spoke out his love for me I had felt for some time past again and again he seemed about to speak but somehow his words seemed to fail him twice I took him into the very heart of the little wood beside mother's house but it was only a small wood and somehow he slipped out on the other side oh John I had said how lonely and still it seems in the wood with no one here but ourselves do you think I said that the birds have souls I don't know John answered let's get out of this I was sure that his emotion was too strong for him I never feel a bit lonesome where you are John I said as we made our way among the underbrush I think we can get out down that little gully he answered then one evening in June after tea I led John down a path beside the house to a little corner behind the garden where there was a stone wall on one side and a high fence right in front of us and thorn bushes on the other side there was a little bench in the angle of the wall and the fence and we sat down on it many John said there's something I meant to say oh John I cried and I flung my arms round his neck it all came with such a flood of surprise all I meant Min John went on but I checked him don't John don't say anything more I said it's just too perfect then I rose and seized him by the wrist come I said come to mother and I rushed him along the path as soon as mother saw us come hand in hand in this way she guessed everything she threw both her arms round John's neck and fairly pinned him against the wall John tried to speak but mother wouldn't let him I saw it all along John she said don't speak don't say a word I guessed your love for Min from the very start I don't know what I shall do without her John but she's yours now take her then mother began to cry and I couldn't help crying too take him to father mother said and we each took one of John's wrists and took him to father on the back veranda as soon as John saw father he tried to speak again I think I ought to say again but mother stopped him father she said he wants to take our little girl away he loves her very dearly Alfred she said and I think it our duty to let her go no matter how hard it is and oh please heaven Alfred he'll treat her well and not misuse her or beat her and she began to sob again father got up and took John by the hand and shook it warmly take her boy he said she's all yours now take her so John and I were engaged and in due time our wedding day came and we were married I remember that for days and days before the wedding day John seemed very nervous and depressed I think he was worrying poor boy as to whether he could really make me happy and whether he could fill my life as it should be filled but I told him that he was not to worry because I meant to be happy and was determined just to make the best of everything father stayed with John a good deal before the wedding day and on the wedding morning he went and fetched him to the church in a closed carriage and had him there already when we came it was a beautiful day in September and the church looked just lovely I had a beautiful gown of white organdy with tool at the throat and I carried a great bunch of white roses and father led John up the aisle after me I remember that mother cried a good deal at the wedding and told John that he had stolen her darling and that he must never misuse me or beat me and I remember that the clergyman spoke very severely to John and told him he hoped he realized the responsibility he was taking and that it was his duty to make me happy a lot of our old friends were there and they all spoke quite sharply to John and all the women kissed me and said they hoped I would never regret what I had done and I just kept up my spirits by sheer determination and told them that I had made up my mind to be happy and that I was going to be so so presently it was all over and we were driven to the station and got the afternoon train for New York and when we sat down in the compartment among all our band boxes and flowers John said well thank God that's over and I said oh John and oath on our wedding day and oath John said I'm sorry Min I didn't mean but I said don't John don't make it worse swear at me if you must but don't make it harder to bear we spent our honeymoon in New York at first I had thought of going somewhere to the great lonely woods where I could have walked under the great trees and felt the silence of nature and where John should have been my viking and captured me with his spear where I should be his and his alone and no other man should share me and John had said all right or else I had planned to go away somewhere to the seashore where I could have watched the great waves dashing themselves against the rocks I had told John that he should be my caveman and should seize me in his arms and carry me wither he would I felt somehow that for my development I wanted to get as close to nature as ever I could my mind seemed to be reaching out for a great emptiness but I looked over all the hotel and steamship folders I could find and it seemed impossible to get good accommodation so we came to New York I had a great deal of shopping to do for our new house so I could not be much with John but I felt it was not right to neglect him so I drove him somewhere in a taxi each morning and called for him again in the evening one day I took him to the museum and another day I left him at the zoo and another day at the aquarium John seemed very happy and quiet among the fishes so presently we came back home and I spent many busy days in fixing and arranging our new house I had the drawing room done in blue and the dining room all in dark paneled wood and a boudoir upstairs done in pink and white enamel to match my bedroom and dressing room a very nice little room in the basement next to the coal cellar that I turned into a den for John so that when he wanted to smoke he could go down there and do it John seemed to appreciate his den at once and often would stay down there so long that I had to call to him to come up when I look back on those days they seemed very bright and happy but it was not very long before a change came I began to realize that John was neglecting me I noticed it at first in small things I don't know just how long it was after our marriage that John began to read the newspaper at breakfast at first he would only pick it up and read it in little bits and only on the front page I tried not to be heard at it and would go on talking just as brightly as I could without seeming to notice anything but presently he went on to reading the inside part of the paper one day he opened up the financial page and folded the paper right back and leant it against the sugar ball I could not but wonder whether John's love for me was what it had been was it cooling I asked myself and what was cooling it it hardly seemed possible when I looked back to the wild passion with which he had proposed to me on the garden bench that John's love was waning but I kept noticing different little things one day in the springtime I saw John getting out a lot of fishing tackle from a box and fitting it together I asked him what he was going to do and he said that he was going to fish I went to my room and had a good cry it seemed dreadful that he could neglect his wife for a few worthless fish so I decided to put John to the test it had been my habit every morning after he put his coat on to go to the office to let John have one kiss just one weenie kiss to keep him happy all day so this day when he was getting ready I bent my head over the big bowl of flowers and pretended not to notice I think John must have been hurt as I heard him steal out on tiptoe well I realized that things had come to a dreadful state and so I sent over to mother and mother came and we had a good cry together I made up my mind to force myself to face things and just to be as bright as ever I could mother and I both thought that things would be better if I tried all I could to make something out of John I have always felt that every woman should make all that she can out of her husband so I did my best first of all to straighten up John's appearance I shifted the style of collar he was wearing to a tighter kind that I liked better and I brushed his hair straight backward instead of forward to a more alert look mother said that John needed waking up and so we did all we could to wake him up mother came over to stay with me a good deal and in the evenings we generally had a little music or a game of cards about this time another difficulty began to come into my married life which I suppose I ought to have foreseen I mean the attentions of other gentlemen I have always called forth a great deal of narration in gentlemen but I have always done my best to act like a lady and to discourage it in every possible way I had been innocent enough to suppose that this would end with married life and it gave me a dreadful shock to realize that such was not the case the first one I noticed was a young man who came to the house and an hour when John was out for the purpose so he said at least of reading the gas meter he looked at me in just the boldest way and asked me to show him the way to the cellar I don't know whether it was a pretext or not but I just summoned all the courage I had and showed him to the head of the cellar's stairs I had determined that if he tried to carry me down with him I would scream for the servants but I suppose something in my manner made him desist and he went alone when he came up he professed to have read the meter and he left the house quite quietly I thought it wiser to say nothing to John of what had happened there were others too there was a young man with large brown eyes who came and said he had been sent to tune the piano he came on three separate days and he bent his ear over the keys in such a mournful way that I knew he must have fallen in love with me on the last day he offered to tune my harp for a dollar extra but I refused and when I asked him if he had to tune mother's mandolin he said he didn't know how of course I told John nothing of all this then there was Mr. McQueen who came to the house several times to play cribbage with John he had been desperately in love with me years before at least I remember his taking me home from a hockey match once and what a struggle it was for him not to come into the parlour and see mother for a few minutes now and with three children I felt sure when he came to play cribbage with John that it meant something he was very discreet and honourable and never betrayed himself for a moment and I acted my part as if there was nothing at all behind but one night when he came over to play and John had had to go out he refused to stay even for an instant he had got his overshoes off before I told him that John was out I asked him if he wouldn't come into the parlour and hear mother play the mandolin but he just made one die for his overshoes and was gone I knew that he didn't dare to trust himself then presently a new trouble came I began to suspect that John was drinking I don't mean for a moment that he was drunk or that he was openly cruel to me but at times he seemed to act so queerly and I noticed that one night when by accident a glass of raspberry vinegar on the sideboard overnight it was all gone in the morning two or three times when McQueen and John were to play cribbage John would fetch home two or three bottles of bivou with him and they would sit sipping all evening I think he was drinking bivou by himself too though I could never be sure of it at any rate he often seemed queer and restless in the evenings and instead of staying in his den he would go to his house once we heard him I mean mother and I and two lady friends who were with us that evening quite late after ten o'clock apparently moving about in the pantry John I called is that you yes men he answered quietly enough I admit what are you doing there I asked looking for something to eat he said to me as your wife you were fed at six go back he went but yet I felt more and more that his love must be dwindling to make him act as he did I thought it all over weirdly enough and asked myself whether I had done everything I should to hold my husband's love I had kept him in at nights I had cut down his smoking I had stopped his playing cards what more was there that I could do so at last the conviction came to me that I must go away I felt that I must get away somewhere and think things out at first I thought of Palm Beach but the season had not opened and I felt somehow that I couldn't wait I wanted to get away somewhere by myself and just face things as they were so one morning I said to John John I think I'd like to go off somewhere for a little time just to be by myself dear and I don't want to ask you to come with me or to follow me but just let me go John said all right men when are you going to start the cold brutality of it cut me to the heart and I went upstairs and had a good cry and looked over steamship and railroad folders I thought of Havana for a while because the pictures of the harbor and the castle and the queer Spanish streets looked so attractive but then I was afraid that at Havana a woman alone by herself simply persecuted by attentions from gentlemen they say the Spanish temperament is something fearful so I decided on Bermuda instead I felt that in a beautiful quiet place like Bermuda I could think everything all over and face things and it's said on the folder that there were always at least two English regiments in garrison there and the English officers whatever their faults always treat a woman with the deepest respect so I said nothing more to John but in the next few days I got all my arrangements made and my things packed and when the last afternoon came I sat down and wrote John a long letter to leave on my boudoir table telling him that I had gone to Bermuda I told him that I wanted to be alone I said that I couldn't tell when I would be back that it might be months or it might be years and I hoped that he would try to be as happy as he could and forget me entirely and to send me money on the first of every month well it was just at that moment that one of those strange coincidences happened little things in themselves but which seemed to alter the whole course of a person's life I had nearly finished the letter to John that I was to leave on the writing desk when just then the maid came up to my room with a telegram it was for John but I thought it my duty to open it and read it for him before I left and I nearly fainted when I saw that it was from a lawyer in Bermuda of all places and it said that a legacy of $200,000 had been left to John by an uncle of his who had died there and asking for instructions about the disposition of it a great wave seemed to sweep over me and all the wicked thoughts that had been in my mind for I saw now that they were wicked were driven clean away I thought how completely lost poor old John would feel if all this money came to him and he didn't have to work anymore and had no one at his side to help and guide him in using it I tore up the wicked letter I had written and I hurried as fast as I could to pack up a valise with John's things my own were packed already as I said then presently John came in and I broke the news to him as gently and as tenderly as I could about his uncle having left him the money and having died I told him that I had found out all about the trains and the Bermuda steamer and had everything all packed and ready for us to leave at once John seemed a little dazed about it all and kept saying that his uncle had taught him to play tennis when he was a little boy and he was very grateful and thankful to me for having everything arranged and thought it wonderful I had time to telephone to a few of my women friends and managed to rush around for a few minutes to say goodbye I couldn't help crying a little when I told them about John's uncle dying so far away with none of us near him and I told them about the legacy and they cried a little to hear of it all and when I told them that John and I might not come back direct from Bermuda but might take a run over to Europe first they all cried some more we left for New York that evening and after we had been to Bermuda and arranged about a suitable monument for John's uncle and collected the money we sailed for Europe all through the happy time that has followed I like to think that through all our trials and difficulties affliction brought us safely together at last End of Section 2 Recording by Tricia G Section 3 of Winsome Winnie and other new nonsense novels Section 3 The Split in the Cabinet or The Fate of England A Political Novel of the Days that Were Chapter 1 The Fate of England hangs upon it murmured Sir John Elthonspoon as he sank wearily into an armchair for a moment as he said England the baronet's eye glistened in his ears lifted as if in defiance but as soon as he stopped saying it his eye lost his brilliance and his ears drooped wearily at the sides of his head Lady Elthonspoon looked at her husband anxiously she could not conceal from herself that his face as he sank into his chair seemed somehow ten years older than it had been ten years ago you are home early John she queried the house rose early my dear said the baronet for the all England ping-pong match no for the dog show the prime minister felt that the cabinet ought to attend he said that their presence there would help to bind the colonies to us I understand also that he has a pup in the show himself he took the cabinet with him and why not you asked Lady Elthonspoon you forget my dear the baronet as foreign secretary my presence at a dog show might be offensive to the Shah of Persia had it been a cat show the baronet paused and took his head in deep gloom John said his wife I feel that there is something more did anything happen at the house Sir John nodded a bad business he said the Azuchistan boundary bill was read this afternoon for the third time no woman in England so it was generally said had a keener political insight than Lady Elthonspoon the third time she repeated thoughtfully and how many more will it have to go Sir John turned his head aside and groaned you are faint exclaimed Lady Elthonspoon let me ring for tea the baronet shook his head an egg John let me beat you up an egg yes yes murmured Sir John still abstracted beat it yes do beat it Lady Elthonspoon in spite of her elevated position as the wife of the foreign secretary of Great Britain held it not beneath her to perform for her husband the plainest household service she rang for an egg the butler broke it for her into a tall goblet filled with old sherry and the noble lady with her own hands beat the stuff out of it for the veteran politician whose official duties rarely allowed him to eat an egg was a sovereign remedy taken either in a goblet of sherry or in a mug of rum or in a half a pint of whiskey it never failed to revive his energies the effect of the egg was at once visible in the brightening of his eye and the lengthening of his ears and now explained to me said his wife what has happened to the sherry bill we never meant it to pass said Sir John it was introduced only as a soft to public opinion it delimits our frontier in such a way as to extend our suzerainty over the entire desert of El Scroob the wazus have claimed that this is their desert the hill tribes are restless if we attempt to advance the wazus will rise if we retire it deals a blow at our prestige Lady Elthonspoon shuddered her long political training had taught her that nothing was so fatal to England as to be hit in the prestige and on the other hand continued Sir John if we move sideways the mortal enemies of the wazus will strike us in our rear in our rear exclaimed Lady Elthonspoon in a tone of pain oh John we must go forward take another egg we cannot groaned the foreign secretary there are reasons which I cannot explain even to you Caroline reasons of state which absolutely prevent us from advancing into wazuchistan our hands are tied meantime if the wazus rise it is all over with us it will split the cabinet split the cabinet repeated Lady Elthonspoon in alarm she well knew that next to a blow the splitting of the cabinet was about the worst thing that could happen to Great Britain oh John they must be held together at all costs can nothing be done everything is being done that can be the prime minister has them at the dog show at this moment tonight the chancellor is taking them to moving pictures and tomorrow it is a state secret my dear but it will be very generally known in the morning we have seats for them all at the circus if we can hold them together all is well but if they split we are undone meantime our difficulties increase at the very passage of the bill itself a question was asked by one of the new Labour members a minor my dear a quite uneducated man yes queried Lady Elthonspoon he asked the colonial secretary Sir John shuttered to tell him where wazuchistan was worse than that my dear added Sir John he defied him to tell him where it is what did you do surely he has no right to information of that sort it was a close shave luckily the whips saved us they got the secretary out of the house and rushed him to the British Museum when he got back he said that he would answer the question a month from Friday we got a great burst of cheers but it was a close thing I must speak at once with powers my dispatch box yes here it is now where is young powers there is work for him to do at once Mr. Powers is in the conservatory with Angela said Lady Elthonspoon with Angela exclaimed Sir John while a slight shade of displeasure appeared upon his brow with Angela again do you think it quite proper my dear that powers should be so constantly with Angela John said his wife you forget I think who powers is I am sure that Angela knows too well what is due to her rank and to herself to consider Mr. Powers anything more than an instructive companion and I noticed that since Mr. Powers has been your secretary Angela's mind is much keener already the girl has a wonderful grasp on foreign policy only yesterday I heard her asking the Prime Minister at luncheon intend to extend our Senegambian protectorate over the few say he was delighted oh very well very well said Sir John then he rang the bell for a man servant ask Mr. Powers he said to be good enough to attend me in the library Chapter 2 Angela Elthonspoon stood with Puritan powers among the begonias of the conservatory the same news which had so agitated Sir John lay heavy on both their hearts will the wazoo rise asked Angela clasping her hands before her while her great eyes sought the young man's face and found it oh Mr. Powers tell me will they rise it seems too dreadful to contemplate do you think the wazoo will rise it is only too likely said Powers they stood looking into one another's eyes their thoughts all on the wazoo Angelina Elthonspoon as she stood there against the background of the begonias made a picture that a painter or even a plumber would have loved tall and typically English in her fair beauty her features in repose had something of the hot tour and distinction of her mother and when in motion they recalled her father Puritan Powers was even taller than Angela the splendid frame and stern features of Sir John's secretary made him a striking figure yet he was quite frankly sprung from the people and made no secret of it his father had been simply a well-to-do London surgeon who had been knighted for some mere discoveries in science his grandfather so it was whispered had been nothing more than a successful banker who had amassed a fortune simply by successful banking yet at Oxford young Powers had carried all before him a seat a front seat in one of the boats had got his blue and his pink and had taken a double final in Sanskrit and arithmetic he had already traveled widely in the east spoke Urdu and Houdu with facility while as secretary to Sir John Elthonspoon with a seat in the house in prospect he had his foot upon the ladder of success yes repeated Powers thoughtfully they may rise but the residential dispatches tell us that for some time they have been secretly passing around packets of yeast the whole tribe is in a ferment but our sphere of influence is at stake exclaimed Angela it is said Powers as a matter of fact for over a year we have been living on a mere modus vivendi oh Mr Powers cried Angela what a way to live we have tried everything the secretary we offered the wazoo a condominium over the desert of Elscrew they refused it but it's our desert said Angela proudly it is but what can we do the best we can hope is that Elbu will acquiesce in the status quo at that moment a manservant appeared in the doorway of the conservatory Mr Powers sir he said Sir John desires your attendance sir in the library sir Powers turned to Angela a new seriousness upon his face Miss Elfin Spoon he said I think I know what is coming will you wait for me here I shall be back in half an hour I will wait said the girl she sat down and waited among the begonias her mind still on the wazoo her whole intense nature strung to the highest pitch can the modus vivendi hold she murmured in half an hour Powers returned he was wearing now his hat and light overcoat and carried on a strap around his neck a tin box with a white painted label British foreign office confidential dispatches this side up with care Miss Elfin Spoon he said and there was a new note in his voice Angela I leave England tonight tonight gasp Angela on a confidential mission to wazoochistan exclaimed the girl Powers paused for a moment to wazoochistan he said yes but it must not be known I shall return in a month or never if I fail he spoke with an assumed lightness it is only one more grave among the hills if I succeed the cabinet is saved and with it the destiny of England oh Mr. Powers Angela rising and advancing towards him how splendid how noble no reward will be too great for you my reward said Powers and as he spoke he reached out and clasped both the girls hands in his own yes my reward may I come and claim it here for a moment he looked straight into her eyes in the next he was gone and Angela was alone his reward she murmured what could he have meant his reward that he is to claim what can it be but she could not divine it she admitted to herself that she had not the faintest idea Chapter 3 in the days that followed all England was thrilled to its base as the news spread that the wazoo might rise at any moment will the wazoo's rise was the question upon every lip in London men went to their offices with a sense of gloom at lunch they could hardly eat a feeling of impending disaster pervaded all ranks Sir John as he passed to and fro to the house was freely accosted in the streets will the wazoo's rise sir asked an honest laborer Lord help us all sir if they do Sir John deeply touched dropped a shilling in the honest fellow's hat by accident at number 10 Downing Street a working class with children in their arms stood waiting for news on the exchange all was excitement consuls fell two points in 24 hours even raising the bank rate and shutting the door brought only a temporary relief Lord Glump the greatest financial expert in London was reported as saying that if the wazoo's rose England would be bankrupt in 48 hours meanwhile to the consternation of the whole nation the government did nothing the cabinet seemed to be paralyzed on the other hand the press became all the more clamorous the London Times urged that an expedition should be sent at once 25,000 household troops it argued should be sent up the Euphrates or up the Ganges or up something without delay if they were taken in flat boats carried over the mountains on mules and lifted across the rivers and slings they could then be carried over the desert on jackasses they would reach Wazoochistan in two years other papers counseled moderation the Manchester Guardian recalled the fact that the wazoo's were a Christian people their leader Al Boub so it was said had accepted Christianity with childlike simplicity and had asked if there was any more of it the spectator claimed that the wazoo's or more properly the wazae were probably the descendants of an ironic or perhaps urgumic stock it suggested the award of a Rhodes Scholarship it looked forward to the days when there would be wazoo's at Oxford even the presence of a single wazoo or more accurately a single woo's would help with each day the news became more ominous it was reported in the press that a wazoo inflamed apparently with Kihe or perhaps with Bahang he moved up to the hills and refused to come down it was said that the shriek Al Fuzlum the religious head of the tribe had torn off his suspenders and sent them to Mecca that same day the illustrated London news published a drawing wazoo warriors crossing a river and shouting whole and the general consternation reached its height meantime for Sir John and his colleagues the question of the hour became could the cabinet be held together every effort was made the news that the cabinet had all been seen together at the circus for a moment reassured the nation but the rumor spread that the first lord of the Admiralty had said that the clowns were a bum lot the radical press claimed that if he thought so he ought to resign on the fatal Friday the question already referred to was scheduled for its answer the friends of the government counted on the answer to restore independence to the consternation of all the expected answer was not forthcoming the colonial secretary rose in his place visibly nervous ministers he said had been asked where was uchestan was they were not prepared at the present delicate stage of negotiations to say more hung upon the answer than ministers were entitled to divulge they could only appeal to the patriotism of the nation he could only say this that wherever it was and he used the word wherever with all the emphasis of which he was capable the government would accept the full responsibility for its being where it was the house adjourned in something like confusion among those seated behind the grading of the ladies gallery was lady elfin spoon her quick instinct told her the truth driving home she found her husband seated crushed in his library john she said falling on her knees and taking her husband's hands in hers is this true is this the dreadful truth i see you have divined at caroline said the statesman sadly it is the truth we don't know where was uchestan is for a moment there was silence but john how could it have happened we thought the colonial office knew we were confident that they knew the colonial secretary had stated that he had been there later on it turned out that he meant Saskatchewan of course they thought we knew and we both thought that the exchequer must know we understood that they had collected a hut tax for ten years and hadn't they not a penny the wazoo's live intense but surely pleaded lady elfin spoon you could find out had you know maps in his head we thought of that at once my dear we've looked all through the british museum once we thought we had succeeded but it turned out to be wisconsin but the map in the times everybody saw it again the baronet shook his head lord southcliff had it made in the office he said it appears that he always does otherwise the physical features might not suit him but could you not send one to see we did we sent periton powers to find out where it was we had a month to the good it was barely time just time powers has failed and we are lost tomorrow all england will guess the truth and the government fails chapter four the crowd outside of number ten downing street that evening was so dense that all traffic was at a standstill the historic room where the cabinet were seated about the long table all was calm few could have guessed from the quiet demeanor of the group of statesmen that the fate of an empire hung by a thread seated at the head of the table the prime minister was quietly looking over a book of butterflies while waiting for the conference to begin beside him the secretary for ireland was fixing trout flies while the counselor of the x-checker kept his serene face over upon his needlework at the prime minister's right serjan elfin spoon no longer agitated but sustained and dignified by the responsibility of his office was playing spillikins the little clock on the mantel chimed eight the premier closed his book of butterflies well gentlemen he said i fear our meeting will not be a protracted one it seems we are hopelessly at variance to sir charles he continued turning to the first sea lord who was in attendance are still in favor of a naval expedition send it up at once said sir charles up where said the premier up anything answered the old sea dog it will get there voices of descent were raised in undertones around the table i strongly deprecate any expedition said the chancellor of the x-checker favor a convention with the shriek let the shriek sign a convention recognizing the existence of a supreme being and receiving from us a million sterling in acknowledgement and where will you find the shriek said the prime minister come come gentlemen i fear that we can play this comedy no longer the truth is he added with characteristic nonchalance we don't know where the valley place is we can't meet the house tomorrow we are hopelessly split our existence as a government is at an end but at that very moment a great noise of shouting and clamor rose from the street without the prime minister lifted his hand for silence listen he said one of the ministers went to a window and opened it and the cries outside became audible a king's messenger make way for the king's messenger the premier turned quietly to sir john parroton powers he said in another moment parroton powers stood before the ministers bronzed by the tropic sun his face was recognizable only by the assured glance of his eye an afghan berness was thrown back from his head and shoulders while his commanding figure was draped in a long she-block a pair of pistols and a curved yasmac were in his belt so you got to wazuchistan all right said the premier quietly i went in by way of the beruda said powers for many days i was unable to cross it the waters of the river were wild and swollen with rains to cross it seemed certain death but at last you got over said the premier and then i struck out over the fahoori desert for days and days blinded by the sun and almost buried in sand but you got through it all right and after that my first care was to disguise myself staining myself from head to foot with beetle nut to look like a beetle said the premier exactly and so you got to wazuchistan where is it and what is it my lord said powers drawing himself up and speaking with emphasis i got to where it was thought to be there is no such place the whole cabinet gave a start of astonishment no such place they repeated what about al-bub said the chancellor there is no such person and the shriek al-fuzlam powers shook his head but do you mean to say said the premier in astonishment that there are no wazus there you must be wrong true we don't know where they are but our dispatches have shown too many signs of active trouble traced directly to the wazus to disbelieve in them there are wazus somewhere there there must be the wazus said powers are there but they are irish so are the ahulis they are both irish but how the devil did they get out there questioned the premier and why did they make the trouble the irish my lord interrupted the chief secretary for ireland are everywhere and it is their business to make trouble some years ago continued powers a few irish families settled out there the ahulis should be properly called the ahulis the word wazu is simply the urdu for meginus al-bub is the urdu for the arabic al-papa the pope it was my knowledge of urdu itself in a glutinative language precisely said the premier then he turned to his cabinet well gentlemen our task is now simplified if they are irish i think we know exactly what to do i suppose he continued turning to powers that they want some kind of home rule they do said powers separating of course the ahuli counties from the wazu yes said powers precisely the thing is simplicity itself and what contribution will they make to the imperial exchequer none and will they pay their own expenses they refuse to exactly all this is plain sailing of course they must have a constable re lord edward continued the premier turning now to the secretary of war how long will it take to send in a couple of hundred constable re i think they'll expect it you know it is their right let me see said lord edward quickly with military precision sending them over the baruda in buckets and then over the mountains in baskets i think in about two weeks good said the premier gentlemen we shall meet the house tomorrow sir john will you meantime draft us an annexation bill and you young man what you have done is really not half bad his majesty will see you tomorrow i am glad that you are safe on my way home said powers with quiet modesty i was attacked by a lion but you beat it off said the premier exactly good night it was on the following afternoon that sir john elven spoon presented the wazoo annexation bill to a crowded and breathless house those who knew the house of commons know that it has its moons at times it is grave earnest thoughtful at other times it is swept with emotion it comes added in waves or at times again it just seems to sit there as if it were stuffed but all agreed that they had never seen the house so hushed as when sir john elven spoon presented his bill for the annexation of wazoo chistan and when at the close of a splendid peroration he turned to pay a graceful compliment to the man who had saved the nation and thundered forth to the delighted ears of his listeners arm of a room cake wazoo qui primus ab oris and then with the words england england still on his lips fell over backwards and was carried out on a stretcher the house broke into wild and unrestrained applause chapter six the next day sir periton powers for the king had knighted him after breakfast stood again in the conservatory of the house in carleton terrace i have come for my reward he said you do said angela sir periton clasped her in his arms on my way home he said i was attacked by a lion i tried to beat it hushed dearest she whispered let me take you to father end of section three recording by trisha g