 Here's a half hour of laughs and music. We broadcast for you men and women in the armed forces of the United Nations. Here's the gift ready rates in his orchestra. The songs of Connie Hayes. Tonight's guest, 20th Century Fox star, Ms. Linda Darnell. Ready rates in the orchestra, answer requests for speak low. The doctor told you to skip. Hey! What's getting into you? You're acting like a nitwit. I ain't no nitwit addict. I used to be a nitwit, but I lost my needles. Ah! You lost your needles. I lost- What's come over you? Custella, stick out your tongue. Before I ain't mad at you. Now, come on. Let me see your tongue. Huh? You've got a coat on your tongue. Look down further, maybe- Are you sick or something? Come here, let me feel your pulse. Eh, eh, let me put my hand on your brow. Are you kidding? Come on, let me put my hand on your brow. Let me put my hand on your shoulder. What for? Let's dance. Ah! Out you dummy. Custella, you're not looking very well today. And you didn't look well last night. Did you take that alcohol rub like I told you? I didn't have any alcohol habit, so I rubbed myself down with a bottle of beer. Almost broke your neck, how? The trouble with you, Custella, is that you don't get enough fresh air. Now, why don't you get out in your garden like other people and plant some seeds? Ah, plant no seeds. That's- I mean, it's a fake. That's freaky. Custella, what's wrong with you today? Do you know what you've been saying? Personally, I wasn't listening. Oh, you're getting impossible. Well, well, good evening, boy. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Say, Ken, I'm glad you dropped in. Say no more attention to Custella, Ken. He's not feeling very well today. I don't know what's wrong. Well, then, why doesn't he do what my lovely wife does? When she's under the weather, she puts her feet in a hot mustard bath. It must take plenty of mustard to cover her dogs. Compare me to a barracuda. I'm sorry, Mrs. Niles. It's my mistake. Barracuda's got teeth. Barracuda keeps his teeth in water. Just- Don't say it. Oh, never mind. Just a minute, Mrs. Niles. I'm afraid you'll have to excuse Custella tonight. He's on the ragged edge. Oh, I'd like to push him off. You're positively intoxicating. Oh, no, Ken. If you're the one who's intoxicating. Oh, no, I insist there. You're intoxicating. Oh, no, dear. You're intoxicating. Well, Custella, you did it again. You're always insulting people. I've come to the conclusion that it's all caused by the ragged condition of your nerves. What you need are vitamins. Vitamins? Yes. For instance, B1. B1 what? Just B1. Just B1? Yes. Are you one? No. Then why should I have B1? Oh. If it ain't good enough for you, it ain't good enough for me. What do you want to do? Push me into these things by myself? I'm not pushing you into anything. I'm trying to tell you about something that's good for your nerves. Well, what is it? B1. But I don't... I don't want you to B1. No? No. When I say B1, I don't mean B1. I mean B1. Hey, B1, you don't mean B1. You just mean B1. Yeah, that's right. That's right. I don't even... Custella, do you know anything about vitamins and calories? Vitamins and calories? Sure. I know both of them. Paul Vitamins? I'm talking about vitamins. I'm saying, uh, thiamin. Have you ever heard of thiamin? Thiamin? Sure, I know him, too. You know thiamin? Yeah, simple thiamin. No. Custella, you dummy. Thiamin is B1. When did they reclassify him? Look, I don't mean that. I've got thiamin right here in this little bottle. You see, let him out before he chokes to death. Look, Custella, for the last time, I'm going to tell you what vitamins are. Vitamins are pale. A is the... Sunshine vitamin. B is for energy. Vitamins start with A and go to H. That's all right with me. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Remember, Custella? The vitamins are A... Time on the air. Listen to saltwater cowboy. Who is that great old man? He's the saltwater with the whole world. Just a salt and the herder life is strange. He's a rounded man. He will keep your passion free. Old favorite. I've got you under my skin. Here, I'm taking you to see Dr. Bullfinch, the famous psychiatrist. Havis, there's nothing wrong with me. I don't notice you know a psychiatrist. Oh, no. You've been acting very strangely, nervous, fighting with people, wouldn't take your vitamins, and today you had your lunch in the bath. I always had my lunch in the bathtub. Don't you think that's crazy? No, I could take a bath and wash the dishes at the same time. There's another thing. You haven't taken your hat off in three days. You even go to bed with your hat on. Now, why don't you take your hat off? What, let my pigeon fly away? You're going to see the doctor and right now. Ah, come right in, Mr. Avid. I've been expecting you. So, this is your little friend, Luke Costello, Ed. Yes, doctor. You were perfectly right in your description of him. He does look a little, uh, shall we say, uh... Yes. Oh, many a simple man has gone places. How soon are you leaving? There's only one thing to do. Costello, I'm going to psychoanalyze you. If you touch me, brother, I'll call my mother. Costello, Dr. Bo Finch won't hurt you. By of course, I just want to probe into your subconscious mind. Now for instance, have you had any dreams lately? Oh yes, that's not a gift I wanted a salami sandwich. Fine, fine. Salami is imported. That suggests that you wanted to take a trip. Isn't that what you wanted? wanted no I wanted a salami sandwich but didn't you try to analyze your dream and now what didn't you go beyond the first phase yeah I did I got up and eat the slummy and that was all you slept peacefully after that not exactly I know what I know it you were subconsciously disturbed you wanted to make that trip now what did the dream repeat itself no but the slummy did let's forget the salami I'm sorry I brought it up oh you had one too I think you better try something else good idea good idea now let's try word associations now Costello I'll mention a word and you tell me a word that has closely related to it for instance the word flower what does that make you think of happy good good poppy is a flower now what poppy make you think of mommy mommy that's funny I don't think of mommy well you should mommy thinks are you please will you pay attention to the man yes let's start over again with the word flower now what do you think of that that's perfect flowers go in bed now the next word is river bed good river bed the next word is icebox bed bed Costello how can icebox make you think of bed I'm tired I let's take the word tired what does that suggest sleep sleep that's right now we're getting places what the sleep suggest delicatessen how in heaven's name could sleep suggest the delicatessen because I might have another dream tonight man is impossible mr. Abbott I suggest you take him to a rest home immediately my nurse will go with you oh no look who the nurses Linda Darnell you are right now that you've got a pretty nice you're a sick man I don't know what it comes down now let us play to the rest through our home mr. Costello we have to be absolutely sure that you're really sick honest Linda I'm sick as anything I have pitches on my head I dream about salami I have lunch in a bathtub now wait a minute mr. I only give my personal attention to critical cases but my case is critical you realize I'm dying oh costella how do you know you're dying I just busted my lifetime think Linda you can nurse in fact to help then we'll go steady to get it oh no I'm sorry but I only go out with certain person so what about me who's certain you're a person a costella stop talking like this mr. Darnell may have a boyfriend you don't know I certainly haven't what a man he has the charm of a dozen men in the body of a prize fighter oh yeah well what's the matter with me you have the charm of a prize fighter in the body of a dozen men look at you and people say Los Angeles is spread out right you certainly off that in our last picture you photographed as big as an elephant no wonder I keep getting peanuts in my fan mail I can take you to the rest home and give you my personal attention I must be fully convinced that you need a mental rest okay I can prove it and I can prove that I need it this morning costello do you really want me to tell her that go ahead I'm brave have it go on go ahead and tell her all right Linda this morning costello walked all the way from his house to the studio on his hand on your hand on my hand why did you do that home in the hospital in banning the hospital a house in the hospital last night at what happened your uncle Henry had a kid on each arm where was your aunt many oh she had to go to work she's a riveter a lucky now just a minute costello you said your aunt many had triplets and your uncle Henry was only holding two of them now where was the other baby oh where many took him to work with it well that's ridiculous costello what was that little baby be doing your aunt many in a defense plan I'll tell me that who do you think throws a rest home it's you come on let's go in now we've got to get you to bed good evening boys we've been expecting you oh hello Linda that's not wasting a time yes I'll remember that you've got to be very quiet this is a rest home all right I remember that look Linda have you got an outside room with a bat somebody's got a you ready to you must observe absolute silence understand silence okay well come on follow me I'll announce you where is he he probably went away for a rest lady's absence doctor may need isn't charged oh here he comes now well with Lucas fellow he's the new patient oh a new patient there well we here at this happy haven of health have a few simple rules we must divide by for example no riding bicycles through the corridors after three in the evening but would it be okay for me to drive I think you don't stop in the library for gas and oil but remember the most important rule that we have whatever happened to Mrs. Brune face speaking yes yes all right with someone up right away who is that the horse in 619 wants another blanket excuse me I've got to go now I must see if the nurses are comfortable by look Linda discuss tell us start resting yes well I mean that's wrong somebody somebody I mean Connie Connie should have been here by now yes you know they're going to all beautiful little girl yes they're going to operate I'll earn a few minutes you might if I cut in you're supposed to relax I'm free to go in and see Dr. Danny he's in this office now resting why don't you go in and wake him up I don't want to wake him up maybe he's dreaming about a salami sandwich oh that's quite that's quite all right Mr. Cassell just tiptoe on that door quietly and say Dr. Danny Dr. Danny wake up open the door customer go in he's been a little nervous like