 Chapter 80 of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle, Volume 2, by Tobias Smollett. This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Martin Giesen. Chapter 80. He returns to London, and meets with Cadwallader, who entertains him with many curious particulars. The laboratory sounds the Duchess, and un-deceives Pickle, who by an extraordinary accident becomes acquainted with another lady of quality. The young gentleman having performed these last offices in honour of his deceased benefactor, and presented Mr. Jolter to the long-expected living, which at this time happened to be vacant, returned to London, and resumed his former gaiety. Not that he was able to shake Emilia from his thoughts, or even to remember her without violent emotions, for as he recovered his vigour, his former impatience recurred, and therefore he resolved to plunge himself headlong into some intrigue that might engage his passions and amuse his imagination. A man of his accomplishments could not fail to meet with a variety of subjects on which his gallantry would have been properly exercised, and this abundance distracted his choice, which at any time was apt to be influenced by Caprice and Whim. I have already observed that he had lifted his view through a matrimonial perspective as high as a lady of the first quality and distinction, and now that he was refused by Miss Gauntlet, and enjoyed a little respite from the agonies of that flame which her charms had kindled in his heart, he renewed his aciduities to her grace. Though he durst not yet risk an explanation, he enjoyed the pleasure of seeing himself so well received in quality of a particular acquaintance, that he fluttered himself with the belief of his having made some progress in her heart, and was confirmed in this conceited notion by the assurances of her woman, whom by liberal largesse he retained in his interest, because she found means to persuade him that she was in the confidence of her lady. But notwithstanding this encouragement, and the sanguine suggestions of his own vanity, he dreaded the thoughts of exposing himself to her ridicule and resentment by a premature declaration, and determined to postpone his addresses until he should be more certified of the probability of succeeding in his attempt. While he remained in this hesitation and suspense, he was one morning very agreeably surprised with the appearance of his friend Crabtree, who by the permission of Pipes, to whom he was well known, entered his chamber before he was awake, and by a violent shake of the shoulder disengaged him from the arms of sleep. The first compliments having been mutually passed, Cadwallader gave him to understand that he had arrived in town overnight in the stagecoach from Bath, and entertained him with such a ludicrous account of his fellow travellers, that Perikrin, for the first time since their parting, indulged himself in mirth, even to the hazard of suffocation. Finally having rehearsed these adventures in such a peculiarity of manner as added infinite ridicule to every circumstance, and repeated every scandalous report which had circulated at the Bath, after Perikrin's departure, was informed by the youth that he harboured a design upon the person of such a duchess, and in all appearance had no reason to complain of his reception, but that he would not venture to declare himself until he should be more ascertained of her sentiments, and therefore he begged leave to depend upon the intelligence of his friend Cadwallader, who he knew was admitted to her parties. The mizzen-thrope, before he would promise his assistance, asked if his prospect verged towards matrimony, and our adventurer, who guessed the meaning of his question, replying in the negative, he undertook the office of reconnoitering her inclination, protesting at the same time that he would never concern himself in any scheme that did not tend to the disgrace and deception of all the sex. On these conditions he espoused the interest of our hero, and a plan was immediately concerted in consequence of which they met by accident at her Grace's table. Pickle having stayed all the four part of the evening, and sat out all the company except the mizzen-thrope, and a certain widow-lady who was said to be in the secrets of my Lady Duchess, went away on pretense of an indispensable engagement that Crabtree might have a proper opportunity of making him the subject of conversation. Accordingly he had scarce quitted the apartment when this cynic, attending him to the door with a look of morose disdain, were I an absolute prince, said he, and that fellow, one of my subjects, I would order him to be clothed in sackcloth, and he should drive my asses to water, that his lofty spirit might be lowered to the level of his deserts. The pride of a peacock is downright self-denial when compared with the vanity of that coxcomb, which was naturally arrogant, but is now rendered altogether intolerable by the reputation he acquired at Bath for kicking a bully, outwitting a club of raw sharpers, and divers other pranks, in the execution of which he was more lucky than wise. But nothing has contributed so much to the increase of his insolence and self-conceit as the favour he found among the ladies. I, the ladies, madam, I care not who knows it. The ladies, who to their honour, be it spoken, never fail to patronize, phoppery, and folly. Provided they solicit their encouragement. And yet this dog was not on the footing of those hermaphroditical animals, who may be reckoned among the number of waiting women, who air your shifts, comb your lap dogs, examine your noses with magnifying glasses, in order to squeeze out the worms, clean your toothbrushes, sweeten your handkerchiefs, and soften waste paper for your occasions. His fellow Pickle was entertained for more important purposes. His turn of duty never came till all those blap-wings were gone to roost. Then he scaled windows, leaped over garden walls, and was let in by Mistress Betty in the dark. No, the magistrates of Bath complimented him with the freedom of the corporation, merely because, through his means, the waters had gained extraordinary credit, for every female of a tolerable appearance that went thither on account of her sterility got the better of her complaint during his residence at the Bath. And now the fellow thinks no woman can withstand his addresses. He had not been here three minutes when I could perceive with half an eye that he had marked out your grace for a conquest. I mean in an honourable way, though the rascal has impudence enough to attempt anything. So saying, he fixed his eyes upon the duchess, who, while her face glowed with indignation, turning to her confidant, expressed herself in these words. Upon me life, I believe there is actually some truth in what this old ruffian says. I have myself observed that young fellow eyeing me with a very particular stare. It is not to be at all wondered at, said her friend, that a youth of his complexion should be sensible to the charms of your grace, but I dare say he would not presume to entertain any but the most honourable and respectful sentiments. Respectful sentiments, cried my lady with a look of ineffable disdain. If I thought the fellow had assurance enough to think of me in any shape, I protest I would forbid him my house. Only honour such instances of audacity should induce persons of quality to keep your small gentry at a greater distance, for they are very apt to grow impudent, upon the least countenance or encouragement. Cadwallader, satisfied with this declaration, changed the subject of discourse, and next day communicated his discovery to his friend Pickle, who upon this occasion felt the most stinging sensations of mortified pride, and resolved to quit his prospect with a good grace. Nor did the execution of this self-denying scheme cost him one moment's uneasiness, for his heart had never been interested in the pursuit, and his vanity triumphed in the thoughts of manifesting his indifference. Accordingly, the very next time he visited her grace, his behaviour was remarkably frank, sprightly and disengaged, and the subject of love being artfully introduced by the widow who had been directed to sound his inclinations. He rallied the passion with great ease and severity, and made no scruple of declaring himself heart-hole. Though the duchess had resented his supposed affection, she was now offended at his insensibility, and even signified her disgust by observing that perhaps his attention to his own qualifications screened him from the impression of all other objects. While he enjoyed this sarcasm, the meaning of which he could plainly discern, the company was joined by a certain virtuoso who had gained free access to all the great families of the land by his notable talent of gossiping and buffoonery. He was now in the seventy-fifth year of his age. His birth was so obscure that he scarce knew his father's name, his education suitable to the dignity of his descent, his character publicly branded with homicide, profligacy, and breach of trust. Yet this man, by the happy inheritance of impregnable effrontery, and a lucky prostitution of all principle in rendering himself subservient to the appetites of the great, had attained to an independency of fortune, as well as to such a particular share of favour among the quality. That although he was well known to have pimped for three generations of the nobility, there was not a lady of fashion in the kingdom who scrupled to admit him to her toilette, or even to be squired by him in any public place of entertainment. Not but that this sage was occasionally useful to his fellow creatures by these connections with people of fortune, for he often undertook to solicit charity in behalf of distressed objects with a view of embezzling one half of the benefactions. It was an errand of this kind that now brought him to the house of her grace. After having sat a few minutes, he told the company that he would favour them with a very proper opportunity to extend their benevolence for the relief of a poor gentlewoman who was reduced to the most abject misery by the death of her husband, and just delivered of a couple of fine boys. They moreover understood from his information that this object was daughter of a good family who had renounced her in consequence of her marrying an ensign without a fortune, and even obstructed his promotion with all their influence and power, a circumstance of barbarity which had made such an impression upon his mind as disordered his brain, and drove him to despair, in a fit of which he had made away with himself, leaving his wife then big with child to all the horrors of indigence and grief. Various were the criticisms on this pathetic picture which the old man drew with great expression. My Lady Duchess concluded that she must be a creature void of all feeling and reflection who could survive such aggravated misery, therefore did not deserve to be relieved except in the character of a common beggar, and was generous enough to offer a recommendation by which she would be admitted into an infirmary, to which her grace was a subscriber, at the same time advising the solicitor to send the twins to the Foundling Hospital, where they would be carefully nursed and brought up, so as to become useful members to the common wealth. Another lady, with all due deference to the opinion of the Duchess, was free enough to blame the generosity of her grace, which would only serve to encourage children in their disobedience to their parents, and might be the means not only of prolonging the distress of the wretched creature, but also of ruining the constitution of some young heir, perhaps the hope of a great family, for she did suppose that Madam, when her month should be up, and her brats disposed of, would spread her attractions to the public, provided she could profit by her person, and in the usual way make a regular progress from St. James's to Drury Lane. She apprehended for these reasons that their compassion would be most effectually shown in leaving her to perish in her present necessity, and that the old gentleman would be unpardonable should he persist in his endeavours to relieve her. A third member of this tender-hearted society, after having asked if the young woman was handsome, and been answered in the negative, allowed that there was a great deal of reason in what had been said by the honourable person who had spoke last, nevertheless she humbly conceived her sentence would admit of some mitigation. Let the bandlings, said she, be sent to the hospital according to the advice of her grace, and a small collection be made for the present support of the mother, and when her health is recovered I will take her into my family, in quality of an upper servant, or medium between me and my woman, for upon me life I can't endure to chide or give directions to a creature who is in point of birth and education, but one degree above the vulgar. This proposal met with universal approbation. The duchess, to her immortal honour, began the contribution with a crown, so that the rest of the company were obliged to restrict their liberality to half the sum, that her grace might not be affronted, and the proposer demanding the poor woman's name and place of abode, the old mediator could not help giving her ladyship a verbal direction, though he was extremely mortified, on more accounts than one, to find such an issue to his solicitation. Perigren, who, though humorous as winter, had a tear for pity and in hand open as day for melting charity, was shocked at the nature and result of this ungenerous consultation. He contributed his half-crown, however, and retiring from the company betook himself to the lodgings of the forlorn lady in the straw, according to the direction he had heard. Upon inquiry he understood that she was then visited by some charitable gentlewoman, who had sent for a nurse, and waited the return of the messenger. And he sent up his respect, desiring he might be permitted to see her, on pretense of having been intimate with her late husband. Though the poor woman had never heard of his name, she did not think proper to deny his request, and he was conducted to a paltry chamber in the Third Story, where he found this unhappy woman sitting upon a truckle-bed, and suckling one of her infants with the most piteous expression of anguish in her features, which were naturally regular and sweet, while the other was fondled on the knee of a person whose attention was so much engrossed by her little charge that for the present she could mind nothing else. But it was not till after the first compliments passed between the hapless mother and our adventurer that he perceived the stranger's countenance, which inspired him with the highest esteem and admiration. He beheld all the graces of elegance and beauty, breathing sentiment and beneficence, and softened into the most enchanting tenderness of weeping sympathy. When he declared the course of his visit, which was no other than the desire of befriending the distressed lady, to whom he presented a bank note for twenty pounds, he was favoured with such a look of complacency by this amiable phantom, who might have been justly taken for an angel ministering to the necessities of mortals, that his whole soul was transported with love and veneration. Nor was this prepossession diminished by the information of the widow, who, after having manifested her gratitude in a flood of tears, told him that the unknown object of his esteem was a person of honour, who having heard by accident of her deplorable situation, had immediately obeyed the dictates of her humanity, and come in person to relieve her distress, that she had not only generously supplied her with money for present sustenance, but also undertaken to provide a nurse for her babes, and even promised to favour her with protection, should she survive her present melancholy situation. To these articles of intelligence she added that the name of her benefactress was the celebrated lady, to whose character the youth was no stranger, though he had never seen her person before. The killing edge of her charms was a little blunted by the accidents of time and fortune, but no man of taste and imagination, whose nerves were not quite chilled with the frost of age, could even at that time look upon her with impunity. And as Peregrine saw her attractions heightened by the tender office in which she was engaged, he was smitten with her beauty, and so ravished with her compassion that he could not suppress his emotions, but applauded her benevolence with all the warmth of enthusiasm. Her ladyship received his compliments with great politeness and affability, and the occasion on which they met, being equally interesting to both, an acquaintance commenced between them, and they concerted measures for the benefit of the widow and her two children, one of whom our hero bespoke for his own godson. For Pickle was not so obscure in the Beaumont, but that his fame had reached the ears of this lady, who therefore did not discourage his advances towards her friendship and esteem. All the particulars relating to their charge being adjusted, he attended her ladyship to her own house, and by her conversation had the pleasure of finding her understanding suitable to her other accomplishments. Nor had she any reason to think that our hero's qualifications had been exaggerated by common report. One of their adopted children died before it was baptized, so that their care consented in the other, for whom they stood sponsors. Understanding that the old agent was become troublesome in his visits to the mother, to whom he now began to administer such counsel has shocked the delicacy of her virtue. They removed her into another lodging, where she would not be exposed to his machinations. In less than a month our hero learned from a nobleman of his acquaintance that the hoary panda had actually engaged to procure for him this poor afflicted gentlewoman. And being frustrated in his intention, substituted in her room a nymph from the Perlews of Covent Garden that made his lordship smart severely for the favours she bestowed. Meanwhile Perigwin cultivated his new acquaintance with all his art and acidity, presuming from the circumstances of her reputation and fate, as well as on the strength of his own merit, but in time he should be able to indulge that passion which had begun to glow within his breast. As her ladyship had undergone a vast variety of fortune and adventure, which he had heard indistinctly related with numberless errors and misrepresentations, he was no sooner entitled by the familiarity of communication to ask such a favour than he earnestly entreated her to entertain him with the particulars of her story. And by dint of importunity, she was at length prevailed upon, in a select parti, to gratify his curiosity by the account given in the following chapter. CHAPTER 81 THE MEMOISE OF A LADY OF QUALITY Part 1 By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate, you will be convinced of my candor while you are informed of my indiscretion. You will be enabled, I hope, to perceive that howsoever my head may have aired, my heart hath always been uncorrupted, and that I have been unhappy, because I loved and was a woman. I believe I need not observe that I was the only child of a man of good fortune who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness of paternal affection. And when I was six years old sent me to a private school where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became such a favourite that I was, even in those early days, carried to all the places of public diversion, the court itself not accepted, an indulgence that flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was naturally addicted, and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition which spring up so early in the human mind. I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot, my heart liberal and disinterested, though I was so obstinately attached to my own opinions that I could not well brook contradiction, and, in the whole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry V, as described by Shakespeare. In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first introduced into the world as a woman, having been entitled to that privilege by my person, which was remarkably tall for my ears. And there my fancy was quite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I was continually engaged. Not that the parties were altogether new to me, but because I now found myself considered as a person of consequence, and surrounded by a crowd of admirers who courted my acquaintance and fed my vanity with praise and adulation. In short, whether or not I deserved their incomiums, I leave the world to judge. But my person was commended and my talent in dancing met with universal applause. No wonder, then, that everything appeared joyous to a young creature, who was so void of experience and dissimulation, that she believed everybody's heart as sincere as her own, and every object such as it appeared to be. Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were two that bore a pretty equal share of my favour. It was too superficial to deserve the name of love. One of these was a forward youth of sixteen, extremely handsome, lively, and impudent. He attended in quality of page upon the Princess Amelia, who spent that season in Bath. The other was a Scotch nobleman turned of thirty, who was graced with a red ribbon, and danced particularly well. Two qualifications of great weight with a girl of my age, whose heart was not deeply interested in the cause. Nevertheless, the page prevailed over this formidable rival, though our amor went no farther than a little flirting, and ceased entirely when I left the place. Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed my time in the same circle of amusements, in which, indeed, each season at Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing for the difference of company which is continually varying. There I met with the same incense, and again had my favourite, who was a North Britain and captain of foot nearly forty years of age, and a little lame. An impediment which I did not discover, until it was pointed out by some of my companions, who rallied me upon my choice. He was always cheerful and very amorous, had good countenance, and an excellent understanding, possessed a great deal of art, and would have persuaded me to marry him had I not been restrained by the authority of my father, whose consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of his fortune. At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents, but as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them all, being determined to refuse every man who did not make his addresses to myself in person, because I had no notion of marrying for anything but love. Among these formal proposers was a Scottish Earl, whose pretensions were broke off by some difference about settlements, and the son of an English baron, with whom my father was in treaty, when he carried me to town on a visit to a young lady with whom I had been intimate from my infancy. She was just delivered of her first son, for whom we stood sponsors, so that this occasion detained us a whole month, during which I went to a ball at court on the Queen's birthday, and there for the first time felt what love and beauty were. The second son of Duke H., who had just returned from his travels, was dancing with the Princess Royal when a young lady came and desired me to go and see a stranger whom all the world admired. Upon which I followed her to the circle and observed this object of admiration. He was dressed in a coat of white cloth faced with blue satin embroidered with silver of the same piece as his waistcoat. His fine hair hung down his back in ringlets below his waist. His hat was laced with silver and garnished with a white feather, but his person beggared description. He was tall and graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre. His limbs finally proportioned, his countenance open and majestic, his eyes full of sweetness and vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lips of the complexion of the damask rose. In short, he was formed for love, and inspired it wherever he appeared. Nor was he a-niggered of his talents, but liberally returned it, at least what passed for such. For he had a flow of gallantry for which many ladies of this land can vouch from their own experience. But he exclaimed against marriage because he had as yet met no woman to whose charms he would surrender his liberty, though a Princess of France and a lady of the same rank in, hmm, were said to be at the time enamored of his person. I went home totally engrossed by his idea, flattering myself that he had observed me with some attention, for I was young and new and had the good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of the Queen herself. Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with the appearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter that he approached so near to the place where I sat that I overheard what he said to his companions, and was so happy as to find myself the object of his discourse which abounded with rapturous expressions of love and admiration. I could not listen to these transports without emotion. My color changed, my heart throbbed with unusual violence, and my eyes betrayed my inclination in sundry favorable glances, which he seemed to interpret a right, though he could not then avail himself of his success, so far as to communicate his sentiments by speech, because we were strangers to each other. I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and several days elapsed before I saw him again. At length, however, being at court on a ball-night and determined against dancing, I perceived him among the crowd, and to my unspeakable joy saw him advance with my Lord P., who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon found means to alter my resolution, and I condescended to be his partner all the evening, during which he declared his passion in the most tender and persuasive terms that real love could dictate or fruitful imagination invent. I believed his protestations because I wished them true, and was an inexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest request of being permitted to visit me, and even invited him to breakfast next morning, so that you may imagine, I speak to those that feel, did not that night enjoy much repose. Such was the hurry and flutter of my spirits that I rose at six to receive him at ten. I dressed myself in a new pink satin gown and my best laced night clothes, and was so animated by the occasion that if I ever deserved a compliment upon my looks it was my due at this meeting. The wished-for moment came that brought my lover to my view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, and fear of I know not what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. He renewed his addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me to accept of his hand without further hesitation. But to such a precipitant step I objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as to that duty which I owed my father, whom I tenderly loved. Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt to disguise the situation of my thoughts, and thus commenced a tender correspondence which was maintained by letters while I remained in the country, and carried on when I was in town by private interviews twice or thrice a week at the house of my milliner, where such endearments passed as refined and happy lovers know, and others can only guess. Truth and innocence prevailed on my side, while his heart was fraught with sincerity and love. Such frequent intercourse created an intimacy which I began to think dangerous, and therefore yielded to his repeated desire that we might be united forever. Nay! I resolved to avoid him until the day should be fixed, and very innocently, though not very wisely, told him my reason for this determination, which was no other than a consciousness of my incapacity to refuse him anything he should demand as a testimony of my love. The time was accordingly appointed at the distance of a few days, during which I intended to have implored my father's consent, though I had but faint hopes of obtaining it. But he was by some means a rather appraised of our design, before I could prevail upon myself to make him acquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover at the Redotto on the preceding evening, and there perhaps our eyes betrayed us. Certain it is several of Lord W's relations, who disapproved of the match, came up and rallied him on his passion. And S.K., in particular, used this remarkable expression. Nephew, as much love as you please, but no matrimony! Next day the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting for me at the appointed place in all the transports of impatient expectation, I was, without any previous warning, carried into the country by my father, who took no notice of the intelligence he had received, but decoyed me into the coach on pretence of taking the air, and, when we had preceded as far as Ternum Green, gave me to understand that he would dine in that place. There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my disappointment, though with an aching heart, and followed him upstairs into an apartment, where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme. I did not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, while the tears gush from my eyes, that my want of courage alone had hindered me from making him privy to my passion, though I owned, I should have married Lord W., even though he had disapproved of my choice. I reminded him of the uneasy life I led at home, and frankly acknowledged that I loved my admirer too well to live without him. Though, if he would favour me with his consent, I would defer my intention, and punctually observe any day he would fix for our nuptials. Meanwhile, I begged he would permit me to send a message to Lord W., who was waiting in expectation of my coming, and might without such notice, imagine I was playing the jilt. He granted this last request, in consequence of which I sent a letter to my lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted away believing I should be locked up in the country and snatched forever from his arms. Tortured with these apprehensions, he changed clothes immediately, and taking horse, resolved to follow me whither soever we should go. After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we lay intending to be at my father's country-house next night, and my admirer putting up at the same inn, practiced every expedient his invention could suggest to procure an interview. But all his endeavours were unsuccessful, because I, who little dreamed of his being so near, had gone to bed upon our first arrival, overwhelmed with affliction and tears. In the morning I threw myself at my father's feet, and conjured him by all the ties of paternal affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing my admirer once more before I should be conveyed from his wishes. The melancholy condition in which I preferred this supplication melted the tender heart of my parent, who yielded to my supplications, and carried me back to town for that purpose. Lord W., who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own lodgings before we arrived at my father's house, obeyed my summons on the instant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties were for some minute suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At length I recovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand that I was come to town in order to take my leave of him, by the permission of my father, whom I had promised to attend into the country next day, before he would consent to my return. The chief cause and pretense of which was my earnest desire to convince him, that I was not to blame for the disappointment he had suffered, and that I should see him again in a month when the nuptial notch should be tied in spite of all opposition. My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had well now run distracted with this information. He swore he would not leave me until I should promise to meet and marry him next day, or if I refused to grant that request he would immediately leave the kingdom to which he would never more return. And before his departure sacrifice, Lord H.B., son to the Duke of S.A., who was the only person upon earth who could have betrayed us to my father, because he alone was trusted with the secret of our intended marriage, and had actually undertaken to give me away, an office which he afterwards declined. Lord W. also affirmed that my father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me up, and sequestering me entirely from his view and correspondence. In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and used all the arguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge upon Lord H. He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing I found would prevail upon him to suppress his resentment but a positive promise to comply with his former desire. I told him I would hazard everything to make him happy, but could not, with any regard to my duty, take such a step without the knowledge of my regret. Or, if I were so inclined, it would be impracticable to allude his vigilance and suspicion. However, he employed such pathetic remonstrances, and retained such powerful advocate within my own breast, that before we parted I assured him my whole power should be exerted for his satisfaction, and he signified his resolution of sitting up all night in expectation of seeing me at his lodgings. He had no sooner retired than I went into the next room, and desired my father to fix a day for the marriage, in which case I would cheerfully wait upon him into the country. Whereas, should he deny my request, on pretense of staying for the consent of my mother's relations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the first opportunity of marrying Lord W. cost what it would. He consented to the match, but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, which he proposed to defer until all parties should be agreed. And such a favorable crisis, I feared, would never happen. I therefore resolve within myself to gratify my lover's expectation by eloping, if possible, that very night. Though the execution of this plan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the alarm, and my own maid, who was my bed-fellow, all together in his interest. Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to engage one of the housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a hackney coach, to be kept in waiting all night, and to bed I went with my Abigail, whom, as I had not closed an eye, I waked about five in the morning, and sent to pack up some things for our intended journey. While she was thus employed, I got up and huddled on my clothes, standing upon my pillow lest my father, who lay in the chamber below, should hear me afoot and suspect my design. Having dressed myself with great dispatch and disorder, I flounced downstairs, stalking as heavily as I could tread, that he might mistake me for one of the servants, and my confederate opening the door, I sallied out into the street, though I knew not which way to turn, and to my unspeakable mortification, neither coach nor chair appeared. Having traveled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a convenience, and being not only disappointed in that particular, but also bewildered in my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly alarmed with the apprehension of being met by some person who might know me, because in that case my design would undoubtedly have been discovered from every circumstance of my appearance at that time of day, for I had put on the very clothes which I had pulled off overnight so that my dress was altogether odd and peculiar. My shoes were very fine, and over a large hoop I wore a pink satin quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, which was partly covered by a white dimity nightgown, a full quarter of a yard too short. My hankerchief and apron were hurried on without pinning. My nightcap could not contain my hair, which hung about my ears in great disorder, and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope and fear, joy and shame. In this dilemma I made my addresses to that honorable member of society, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated to provide me with a coach or chair, promising to reward him liberally for his trouble, but he, having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to keep up with my pace, so that by his advice and direction I went to the first public house I found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmost consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought proper to bribe for their civility, not without the terror of being stripped. At length, however, my messenger returned with a chair, of which I took immediate possession. And fearing that by this time my family would be alarmed and send directly to Lord W's lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried thither backwards, that so I might pass undiscovered. This stratagem succeeded according to my wish. I ran upstairs in a state of trepidation to my faithful lover, who waited for me with the most impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his eyes lightened with transport. He caught me in his arms as the richest present heaven could bestow, gave me to understand that my father had already sent to his lodgings in quest of me, then applauding my love and resolution in the most rapturous terms, he ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and that we might run no risk of separation, attended me to church where we were lawfully joined in the sight of heaven. His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double aggravation. I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the sorrow he suffered on account of my undue toful behavior, for I loved him with such a piety of affection that I would have endured every other species of distress rather than given him the least uneasiness, but love where he reigns in full empire is altogether irresistible, surmounts every difficulty, and swallows up all other considerations. This was the case with me, and now the irrevocable step was taken. My first care was to avoid his sight. With this view I beg that Lord W. would think of some remote place in the country to which we might retire for the present. Any forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, where we were very civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed to mistake me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her opinion than I desired Lord W. to undeceive her, upon which she was made acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into a private room where I called for pen and paper and wrote an apology to my father for having acted contrary to his will in so important a concern. This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand that there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately in order to render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover and part us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till evening, objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon. But he found means to invalidate all my arguments and to convince me that it was now my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation of being obstinate and refractory on the first day of my probation, I suffered myself to be led into a chamber which was darkened by my express stipulation, that my shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and yielded to the privilege of a dear husband who loved me to adoration. About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner which we had ordered to be ready at four, but such a paltry care had been forgot amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got up, however, and when we came downstairs I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet the eyes of my beloved Lord. I ate little, said less, was happy, though overwhelmed with confusion, under when a thousand agitations, some of which were painful, but by far the greater part belonged to rapture and delight. We were in paradise in the gratification of our mutual wishes, and felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility and joy. In the twilight we returned to Lord W's lodgings in town, where I received a letter from my father, importing that he would never see me again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, from which I conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. He had begun with his usual appellation of dear fanny, which, though it was expunged to make way for the word madam, encouraged me to hope that his paternal fondness was not yet extinguished. At supper we were visited by Lord W's younger sister, who laughed at us for our inconsiderate match, though she owned she envied our happiness, and offered me the use of her clothes until I could retrieve my own. She was a woman of a great deal of humor, plain but genteel, civil, friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favored us with her company till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not take her leave till we retired to our apartment. As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved to see little company. But this resolution was frustrated by the numerous acquaintance of Lord W, who led in half the town, so that I ran the gauntlet for a whole week, among a set of wits, who always delight in teasing a young creature of any note when she happens to make such a stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion was my Lord's younger brother, who was at that time in keeping with a rich heiress of masculine memory, and took that opportunity of making a parade with his equipage, which was indeed very magnificent, but altogether disregarded by us whose happiness consisted in the opulence of mutual love. The ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait on his mother, the Duchess of H., who, hearing I was an heiress, readily forgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and consent, and favored us with a very cordial reception, in so much that, for several months, we dined almost constantly at her table. And I must own, I always found her unaltered in her civility and affection, contrary to her general character, which was haughty and capricious. She was undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding, but subject to an infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every other qualification. In about three weeks after our marriage I was so happy as to obtain the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired in order to pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept, nor did I behold his tears unmoved. My heart was overcharged with tenderness and sorrow for having offended such an indulgent parent, so that I mingled my tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the softest and gentlest mold, melted with sympathy at the affecting scene. Being thus reconciled to my father we attended him into the country, where we were received by my mother, who was a sensible good woman, though not susceptible to love, and therefore less apt to excuse a weakness to which she was another stranger. This was likewise the case with an uncle, for whom I had great expectations. He was a plain good-natured man, and treated us with great courtesy, though his notions in point of love were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless I was, and seemed to be, so happy in my choice, that my family not only became satisfied with the match, but exceedingly fond of Lord W. After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to London in order to be introduced at court, and then set out for the north on a visit to my brother-in-law the Duke of H, who had, by a letter to Lord W, invited us to his habitation. My father accordingly equipped us with horses and money, for our own finances were extremely slender, consisting only of a small pension allowed by his grace upon whom the brothers were entirely dependent, the father having died suddenly before suitable provision could be made for his younger children. When I took leave of my relations, bidding a due to my paternal home, and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, though the voyage on which I embarked was altogether voluntary, and my companion, the person on whom I doted to distraction, I could not help feeling some melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time, gave way to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited in town by almost all the women of fashion, many of whom I perceived envied me the possession of a man who had made strange havoc among their hearts, and some of them knew the value of his favour, one in particular endeavored to cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard. But I thought proper to discourage her advances by keeping within the bounds of bare civility, and indeed to none of them was I lavish of my complacence, for I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, who engrossed my wishes to such a degree, that although I was never jealous, because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness of every woman who he chanced at any time to hand into a coach. The Duchess of H. who was newly married to the Earl of P., a particular friend of Lord W.s., carried me to court and presented me to the Queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in very particular terms, and observing the satisfaction that appeared in my countenance with marks of admiration, desired her ladies to take notice how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there was more joy in my face than in all her court besides. Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, which Her Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure, for she frequently repeated the remark, and showed me to all the foreigners of distinction with many gracious expressions of favour. She wished Lord W. happiness instead of joy, and was pleased to promise that she would provide for her pretty beggars. And poor enough we certainly were in every article but love. Nevertheless we felt no necessities, but passed the summer in a variety of pleasures and parties, the greatest part of which were planned by Lord W.'s sister and another lady, who was at that time mistress to the Prime Minister. The first was a wit, but homely in person. The other a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding, and a particular friendship subsisted between them, though they were both lovers of power and admiration. This lady who sat at the helm was extremely elegant, as well as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share, particularly in her parties upon the water which were contrived in all the magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements a trifling circumstance occurred which I shall relate as an instance of that jealous sensibility which characterized Lord W.'s disposition. A large company of ladies and gentlemen, having agreed to dine at Box Hall, and sup at Marble Hall, where we proposed to conclude the evening with a dance, one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company, we were divided by lots, in consequence of which my husband and I were parted. The separation was equally mortifying to us both, who, though married, were still lovers, and my chagrin increased when I perceived that I was doomed to sit by Sir W. Y., a man of profess gallantry. For although Lord W. had, before his marriage, made his addresses to every woman he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any person should make love to his wife. That I might not therefore give umbridge by talking to this gallant, I conversed with a scotch nobleman, who, according to Common Report, had formerly sighed among my admirers. By these means, in seeking to avoid one error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a grainer, and disobliged Lord W. so much that he could not conceal his displeasure. Nay so deeply was he offended at my conduct, that in the evening when the ball began, he would scarce Dane to take me by the hand in the course of dancing, and darted such unkind looks as pierced me to the very soul. What augmented my concern was my ignorance of the trespass I had committed. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections. I began to fear that I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who was tired of possession. Though I resolved to bear without complaining, the misfortune I had entailed upon myself. I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and thereby discovered the cause of his chagrin. But as there was no time for expostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with such evident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company made up to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder, so that I was feigned to amuse their concern by saying that he had been ill the day before, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. So much was he incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, which was void of all intention to offend him, that he determined to be revenged on me for my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two very handsome ladies, one of whom is lately dead, and the other at present my neighbor in the country, he affected an air of gaiety, and openly coquetted with them both. This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife. In the course of our entertainment we engaged in some simple diversion, in consequence of which the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies, when Lord W., in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in my turn. I had occasion for all my discretion and pride to conceal from the company the agonies I felt at this mark of indifference and disrespect. However, I obtained the victory over myself, and pretended to laugh at his husband like behavior, while the tears stood in my eyes and my hearts well-deven to bursting. CHAPTER 81 THE MEMOIRS OF A LADY OF QUALITY We broke up about five after having spent the most tedious evening I had ever known, and this offended lover went to bed in a state of silence, silence, and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, I thought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, that I could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference till after his first nap, when my pride giving way to my tenderness I clasped him in my arms, though he pretended to discourage these advances of my love. I asked how he could be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to a man whom he knew I had refused for his sake. I chid him for his barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and use such irresistible arguments in my own vindication that he was convinced of my innocence, scaled my acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the soft transports of a fond reconciliation. Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved than that which glowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the possession of each other, our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union. When we were separated, though, but for a few hours by the necessary avocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief separation, and met again like lovers who knew no joy but in one another's presence. How many delicious evenings did we spend together in our little apartment, after we had ordered the candles to be taken away, that we might enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine summer's evening? Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to peace and benevolence. But when improved with conversation of the man one loves, it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight. For my own part, I can safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by my husband, that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not personally concerned. Nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant to my duty and my love. In the autumn we set out for the north, and were met on the road by the Duke and twenty gentlemen who conducted us to H.N., where we lived in all imaginable splendor. His grace at that time maintained above a hundred servants with a band of music which always performed at dinner, kept an open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. The economy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister, a beautiful young lady of an amiable temper with whom I soon contracted an intimate friendship. She and the Duke used to rally me upon my fondness for Lord W., who was sort of a humorist, and apt to be in a pet, in which case he would leave the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in the evening. On these occasions I always disappeared giving up every consideration to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding the ridicule of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him with too much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness and condescension for a man who doted upon me to such excess, that when business obliged him to leave me he always snatched the first opportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms, and tempests to my arms? Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself in a fair way of being a mother, and that I might be near my own relations in such an interesting situation. I and my dear companion departed from H.N. not without great reluctance, for I was fond of the Scots in general, who treated me with great hospitality and respect, and to this day they paid me the compliment of saying I was one of the best wives in that country, which is so justly celebrated for good women. Lord W., having attended me to my father's house, was obliged to return to Scotland to support his interest in being elected Member of Parliament, so that he took his leave of me with a full resolution of seeing me again before the time of my lying in. And all the comfort I enjoyed in his absence was the perusal of his letters, which I punctually received, together with those of his sister, who from time to time favored me with assurances of his constancy and devotion. Indeed these testimonials were necessary to one of my disposition, for I was none of those who could be contented with half a heart. I could not even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but expected the undivided homage of his love. Had I been disappointed in this expectation, I should, though a wife, have rebelled or died. Meanwhile, my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending that Lord W. should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated with my fortune. And his expectations from the Queen were very sanguine when I was taken ill and delivered of a dead child, an event which affected me extremely. When I understood the extent of my misfortune, my heart throbbed with such violence that my breast could scarce contain it, and my anxiety, being aggravated by the absence of my Lord, produced a dangerous fever of which he was no sooner apprised by letter than he came post from Scotland. But before his arrival, I was supposed to be in a fair way. During this journey he was tortured with all that terrible suspense which prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing that which is most dear to them. And when he entered the house, was so much overwhelmed with apprehension that he durst not inquire about the state of my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye from the time on which I expected his return, and when I heard his voice, I threw open my curtains and sat up in the bed to receive him, though at the hazard of my life. He ran towards me with all the eagerness of passion, and clasped me in his arms. He kneeled beside the bedside, and kissed my hand a thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and joy. In short, this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebled constitution, and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves, and saw that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose. But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happiness to excess of misery which I now sustained? My month was hardly up when my dear husband was taken ill, perhaps the fatigue of body as well as mind which he had undergone on my account occasioned a fatal ferment in his blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love. Physicians were called from London, but alas, they brought no hopes of his recovery. By their advice he was removed to town for the convenience of being punctually attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrown away. He was therefore immediately put into a coach, though the day was far spent. And I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in the journey which was performed by the light of flamboyce, and rendered unspeakably shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him every moment. At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Paul Mall, where I lay by him on the floor and attended the issue of his distemper in all the agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his malady settled upon his brain, and in his delirium he added such dreadful exclamations as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. What effect, then, must they have had on mine which was fraught with every sentiment of the most melting affection? It was not a common grief that took possession of my soul. I felt all the aggravation of the most acute distress. I sometimes ran down the street in a fit of distraction. I sent for the doctors every minute. I wearied heaven with my prayers. Even now my heart aches at the remembrance of what I suffered, and I cannot without trembling, proceed with the woeful story. After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use of speech, and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times repeated while he was bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were now relinquished, and I was led to his bedside to receive his last adduce, being directed to summon all my fortitude and suppress my sorrow, that he might not be disturbed by my agitation. I collected all my resolution to support me in this affecting scene. I saw my dear Lord in extremity. The beauties of his youth were all decayed, yet his eyes, though languid, retained unspeakable sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching. Put forth his hand, and with a look full of complacency and benevolence, uttered such a tender tale. Good Heaven, how had I deserved such an accumulated affliction, the bare remembrance of which now melts me into tears? Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering an ecstasy of grief. I clasped him in my arms and kissed him a thousand times, with the most violent emotions of woe. But I was torn from his embrace, and in a little time he was ravished forever from my view. On that fatal morning which put a period to his life, I saw the Duchess of El approach my bed, and from her appearance concluded that he was no more. Yet I begged she would not confirm the unhappy presage by announcing his death, and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic silence. I got up and trod softly over his head, as if I had been afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas, he was no longer sensible of such disturbance. I was seized with a stupefaction of sorrow. I threw up the window, and looking around, thought the sun shone with the most dismal aspect. Everything was solitary, cheerless, and replete with horror. In this condition I was by the direction of my friend, conveyed to her house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguish which repressed me, that I know not what passed during the first days of my unhappy widowhood. This only I know. The kind Duchess treated me with all imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to her country-house, where I stayed some months, during which she endeavored to comfort me with all the amusement she could invent, and laid me under such obligations as shall never be erased from my remembrance. Yet not withstanding all her care and concern, I was by my excess of grief, plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my physicians advised me to drink the bath-waters. In compliance with this prescription, I went dither towards the ends of summer and found some benefit to adhering to their directions. Though I seldom went abroad except when I visited my sister-in-law, who was there with the princess, and upon these occasions I never failed to attract the notice of the company, who were struck with the appearance of such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free from the persecution of professed admirers, but, being dead to all joy, I was deaf to the voice of adulation. About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where my sorrows were revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented Lord. But these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear, because I had no other home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow altogether dependent on the affection of my own family. During this winter, diverse overtures were made to my father by people who demanded me in marriage, but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion to admit the thoughts of another master. Among those that presented their proposals was a certain young nobleman who, upon the first news of Lord W.'s death, came post from Paris in order to declare his passion. He made his first appearance in a hired chariot in six, accompanied by a big fat fellow whom, as I afterwards learned, he had engaged to sound his praises, with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which he paid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening himself from the cold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of being overturned, and falling under his weighty companion, I know not. But certain it is, the carriage was stuffed with hay, in such a manner that, when he arrived, the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing it before they could come at their master, or help him to a light. When he was lifted out of the chariot, he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to the view. He was a thin, meagre, shivering creature of a low stature, with little black eyes, a long nose, shallow complexion, and pitted with the smallpox. Dressed in a coat of light brown frieze lined with pink-colored shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and, if I remember right, a pair of huge jack boots. In a word his whole appearance was so little calculated for inspiring love, that I had, on the strength of seeing him once before at Oxford, set him down as the last man on earth whom I would choose to wed. And I will venture to affirm that he was in every particular the reverse of my late husband. As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left his errand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself, so that his proposal was absolutely rejected, and I heard no more of him during the space of three whole months, at the expiration of which I went to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself again, and renewed his suit, offering such advantageous terms of settlement, that my father began to relish the match, and warmly recommended it to my consideration. Lord W's relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making myself independent. All my acquaintance plied me with arguments to the same purpose. I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. I weighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance, yielded to the importunity of my friends. In consequence of this determination, the little gentleman was permitted to visit me, and the manner of his address did not alter the opinion I had conceived of his character and understanding. I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whom I could not love, and in order to disburden my own conscience, took an opportunity of telling him one evening, as we said opposite to each other, that it was not in my power to command my affection, and therefore he could not expect the possession of my heart, Lord W's indulgence having spoiled me for a wife. Nevertheless I would endeavor to contract a friendship for him, which would entirely depend upon his own behavior. To this declaration he replied to my great surprise, that he did not desire me to love him. My friendship was sufficient, and next day repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter which I communicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, and persuaded me that since I could love no man, he was the properest person to be my husband. Accordingly the wedding clothes and equipage being prepared, the day, the fatal day, was fixed. On the morning of which I went to the house of my brother-in-law, Duke H., who loved me tenderly, and took my leave of the family, a family which I shall always remember with love, honor, and esteem. His grace received me in the most affectionate manner, saying at parting, Lady W., if he does not use you well, I will take you back again. The bridegroom and I met at chapel, where the ceremony was performed by the bishop of W., in presence of his lordship's mother, my father, and another lady. The nuptial not being tied, we set out for my father's house in the country, and proceeded full twenty miles on our journey before my lord opened his mouth, my thoughts having been all that time employed on something quite foreign to my present situation, for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At length my father broke silence, and clapping his lordship on the shoulder told him he was but a dull bridegroom, upon which my lord gave him to understand he was out of spirits. This dejection continued all the day, notwithstanding the refreshment of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road, and in the evening we arrived at the place of our destination, where we were kindly received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match, and after supper we retired to our apartment. CHAPTER 81 THE MEMORIES OF A LADY OF QUALITY PART 4 It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable contrast between my present helpmate and my former lord. Instead of flying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, this manly representative set moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution day, and owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman whose hand he had scarce ever touched. I could not help being affected with this personanimous behavior. I remembered Lord W. while I surveyed the object before me, and made such a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust. Nay, to such a degree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I began to sweat with anguish at the thought of being subjected to his pleasure, and when, after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I trembled as if I had been exposed to the embraces of a rattlesnake. Nor did the efforts of his love diminish this antipathy. His attempts were like the pawings of an imp sent from hell to seize and torment some guilty wretch, such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I have never seen acted without remembering my wedding night. By such shadowy, unsubstantial, vexious behavior was I tantalized and robbed of my repose. And early next morning I got up with the most sovereign contempt for my bed-fellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven. Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to his house at Twickenham, and soon after we were presented at court, when the queen was pleased to say to my lord's mother, she did not doubt that we should be a happy couple, for I had been a good wife to my former husband. Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he was not wanting in point of liberality. I was presented with a very fine cherry, it studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of jewels has furnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed that I was formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen of diamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did not let slip, of paying Lord W's debts from my privy purse, and on that score received the thanks of his elder brother, who though he had undertaken to discharge them, delayed the execution of his purpose longer than I thought they should remain unpaid. This uncommon splendor attracted the eyes and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in their resentments, because not withstanding my marriage, I was as much as ever followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom, it is a constant maxim, that a woman never withholds her affections from her husband, without an intent to bestow them somewhere else. I never appeared without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was always crowded with the gay young men of quality. Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill and assiduity were the Earl C. and Mr. S., brother to Lord F., the farmer of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated me with an entertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into a dinner, supper, and ball, to which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whom he paired with the like number of his own sex, so that the whole company amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with the most elegant dinner in an apartment which was altogether superb, and served by gentlemen only, no livery-servant being permitted to come within the door. In the afternoon we embarked in two splendid barges being attended by a band of music in a third, and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river till the twilight, when we returned and began the ball which was conducted with such order and taste that mirth and good humour prevailed. No dissatisfaction appeared except in the countenance of one old maid, since married to a son of the Duke of Thune, who, though she would not refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeased that I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful envy, thou self-tormenting fiend, how dost thou predominate in all assemblies, from the grand gala of a court, to the meaning of simple peasants at their harvest-home? Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to be wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity of our sex. The presence of one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a whole company, and produce the most rankerous enmity betwixt the closest friends. I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the artillery of his eloquence in making love. Yet I did not listen to his addresses, for he was not to my taste, though he possessed an agreeable person, and a good acquired understanding. But he was utterly ignorant of that gentle prevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S., and which was the only method he could have successfully practised in seducing a young woman like me, born with sentiments of honour, and trained up in the paths of religion and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed absolutely master of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion and sensibility can resist, and had a person every way adapted for profiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with the human heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercised these endowments with unwirried perseverance. He was tall and thin, of a shape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste, with large blue eloquent eyes, good teeth, and a long head turned to gallantry. His behaviour was the standard of politeness, and all his advances were conducted with the most profound respect, which is the most effectual expedient a man can use against us, if he can find means to persuade us that it proceeds from the excess and delicacy of his passion. It is no other than a silent compliment, by which our accomplishments are continually flattered, and pleases in proportion to the supposed understanding of him who pays it. By these arts and advantages, this consummate politician in love began by degrees to sap the foundation of my conjugal faith. He stole imperceptibly into my affection, and by dint of opportunity, which he well knew how to improve, triumphed at last over all his rivals, nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C. That nobleman was also rivaled by Lord C. H., a scotchman, who had been an intimate and relation of my former husband. Him I would have preferred to most of his competitors, and actually coquetted with him for some time, but the amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland, upon which occasion, understanding that he was but indifferently provided with money, I made him a present of a gold snuff-box in which was enclosed a bank-note, a trifling mark of my esteem which he afterwards justified by the most grateful friendly and genteel behaviour, and as we corresponded by letters, I frankly told him that Mr. S. had stepped in, and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers. This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the neighbourhood, were my constant companions, and in consequence of this intimacy, he never let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person. Nay, so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his suit, that whether I rode or walked, when abroad or stayed at home, he was always, of course, one of the party, so that his design seemed to engross his whole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my disposition, and established himself in my good opinion at the same time. He found my heart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw that I was not free from the vanity of youth. He had already acquired my friendship and esteem, from which he knew there was a short and easy transition to love. By his penetration, choosing proper seasons for the theme, he urged it with such pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivate a young woman of my complexion and experience, and circumstances I was, with a husband whom I had such reason to despise. Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did not find my virtue an easy conquest. And I myself was ignorant of the advantage he had gained with regard to my inclinations, until I was convinced of his success by an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing him engaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith recognized this symptom of love with which I had been formerly acquainted, and trembled at the discovery of my own weakness. I underwent a strange agitation and mixture of contrary sensations. I was pleased with the passion, yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband, though mine was but a nominal one, occurred to my reflection, and virtue, modesty, and honour forbade me to cherish the guilty flame. When I encouraged these laudable scruples and resolved to sacrifice my love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every day employed in writing post to my father with complaints of my conduct, which was hitherto irreproachable. Though the greatest grievance, which he pretended to have suffered, was my refusing to comply with his desire, when he entreated me to lie a whole hour every morning with my neck uncovered, that by gazing he might quiet the perturbation of his spirits. From this request you may judge of the man as well as of the regard I must entertain for his character and disposition. During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and in the autumn set out with my lord for both, where by reason of the intimacy that subsisted between our families we lived in the same house with my lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable young lady, accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S. had extorted from me a confession of a mutual flame, though I assured him that it should never induce me to give up the valuable possession of an unspotted character and a conscience void of offence. I offered him all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of souls abstracted from any sensual consideration. He eagerly embraced the platonic proposal, because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue of such chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he could accomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms and cultivating my tenderness under the specious pretext. In consequence of this agreement we took all opportunities of seeing each other in private, and these interviews were spent in mutual protestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, though dangerous, was on my side equally innocent and endearing, and many happy hours we passed before my sentiments were discovered. At length my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out beyond the power of concealment. My grief and anxiety became so conspicuous in my countenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, that everybody in the house perceived the situation of my thoughts and blamed my conduct accordingly. Certain it is I was extremely imprudent, though intentionally innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teased and tormented me for that which neither I could give nor he could take, and ruminated on the fatal consequences of this unhappy flame until I was worked into a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in flight, and often determined to banish myself forever from the sight of this dangerous intruder. But my resolution always failed at the approach of day, and my desire of seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I from persisting in such commendable determinations, that on the eve of our departure from Bath I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow at our approaching separation. And as we could not enjoy our private interviews at my house in town, I promised to visit him at his own apartments after he had sworn by all that sacred that he would take no sinister advantage of my condescension by presuming upon the opportunities I should give. He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling, and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but a natural concern of a young creature distracted between love and duty, whom, had he alarmed, he would never have seen within his doors again. Instead of pressing me with solicitations in favour of his passion, he was more than ever respectful and complacent, so that I found myself disengaged of all restraint, conducted the conversation, shortened and repeated my visits at my own pleasure, till at last I became so accustomed to this communication, that his house was as familiar to me as my own. Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed the favourite topic of love, and warming my imagination by gradual advances on the subject, my heart began to pant. When he saw me thus moved, he snatched the favourable occasion to practice all his eloquence in art. I could not resist his energy, nor even fly from the temptation that assailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he should, at our next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious expectation. On this condition I was permitted to retire, and blessed heaven for my escape, fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod, and stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation were endangered. But his idea, which reigned in my heart without control, soon baffled all these prudent suggestions. I saw him again, and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavored to evade with affected pleasantry. Upon which he manifested the utmost displeasure in chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and upbraided me with levity and indifference. He observed that he had solicited my favour for ten long months without intermission, and imagined I had held out so long on virtuous motives only. But now he could plainly perceive that his want of success had been owing to my want of affection, and that all my professions were insincere. In a word, he persuaded me that his remonstrances were just unreasonable. I could not see the affliction of a man I loved when I knew it was in my power to remove it, and, rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love, I consented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the dear though fatal indiscretion, yet I reflect without remorse, and even remember it with pleasure. If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to bear it without repining. And sure the guilt, if there was any in my conduct, was but venial. For I considered myself as a person absolved of all matrimonial ties, by the insignificance of Lord Hum, who, though a nominal husband, was in fact a mere non-entity. I therefore contracted a new engagement with my lover, to which I resolved to adhere with the most scrupulous fidelity, without the least intention of injuring my lord or his relations. For, had our mutual passion produced any visible effects, I would immediately have renounced and abandoned my husband forever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S. might not have inherited to the detriment of the right heir. This was my determination, which I thought just, if not prudent, and for which I have incurred the imputation of folly in the opinion of this wise and honest generation, by whose example and advice I have since that time, been a little reformed in point of prudentials, though I still retain a strong tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking. When I quitted Mr. S. after the sacrifice I had made, and returned to my own bed, it may perhaps be supposed that I slept but little. True! I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. Indeed, I neglected no opportunity of flying to his arms. When Lord N. was in the country, we enjoyed each other's company without interruption. But when he resided in town, our correspondence was limited to stolen interviews, which were unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided at the entertainment. Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication, that to this day I remember it with pleasure, though it has cost me dear in the sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expense, for I devoted myself so entirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossing my time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very numerous, justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence cooled in their friendships. But I was all for love, or the world well lost, and were the same opportunity to offer, I would act the same conduct over again. CHAPTER XXV Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with such violence of affection, but all such observers must be unacquainted with the human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions, and had been so fortunate, so cherished in its first impressions, that it felt with joy the same sensations revive when influenced by the same engaging qualifications. Certain it is I loved the second time as well as the first, and better was impossible. I gave up my all for both, fortune in my father's favor for the one, reputation, friends, and fortune for the other. Yet notwithstanding this intimate connection, I did not relinquish the world all at once. On the contrary, I still appeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal patroness. I danced with the P of W, a circumstance which so nearly affected Mr. S. who was present, that in order to manifest his resentment, he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner, and I no sooner perceived his uneasiness than I gave over with a view of appeasing his displeasure. Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say our mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted between me and my dear Lord W. It was jealous, melting, and delicate, and checkered with little accident, which served to animate and maintain the flame in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick, I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and care, and during an indisposition which I caught in the performance of this agreeable office, he discharged the obligation with all the warmth of sympathy and love. It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians that I should use the bath waters for the recovery of my health, and I set out for that place, glad of a pretense to be absent from Lord H, with whom I lived on very unhappy terms. He had about nine months after our marriage, desired that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very whimsical reason for this proposal. He said, the immensity of his love deprived him of the power of gratification, and that some commerce with an object to which his heart was not attached, might, by diminishing the transports of his spirits, recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy the fruits of his good fortune. You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which was immediately put into execution. He made his addresses to a nymph of Drury Lane, whose name, as he told me, was Mrs. Rock. She made shift to extract some money from her patient, but his infirmity was beyond the power of her art, though she made some mischief between us. And I communicated my suspicion to the Duke of H, who intended to have expostulated with her upon the subject, but she got intimation of his design, and saved him the trouble by a precipitate retreat. After my return from Bath, where Mr. S. and I had lived happily until we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship expressed an inclination to be my bedfellow again. In this particular I desired to be excused. I would not be the first to propose the separation, which though usual in other countries is contrary to the custom of England, being unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure as my character was still unblemished. Yet when the proposal came from him, I thought myself entitled to refuse a reunion, to which I accordingly objected. This opposition produced a quarrel which rose to a state of perpetual animosity, so that we began to talk of parting. My lord relished the expedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pen money, which by the buy was never paid. And I renounced all state and grandeur to live in a small house that I hired at Carshelton, where I passed my time for two months in the most agreeable retirement with my dear lover. At length I was disturbed by the intrusion of my lord, whom elested me with visits and solicitations to return, pretending that he had changed his mind and insisting upon my compliance with his desire. I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request, but he persecuted me without ceasing, so that I was feigned to capitulate, on condition that he should immediately set out for France, and that he should not presume to approach my bed till our arrival at Calais. We accordingly departed for that kingdom, and far from infringing the least article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist upon his privilege before we reached the capital of France. Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author of it, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but took the first opportunity of following us to France. On our road to Paris we stopped to visit Chantilly, a magnificent chateau belonging to the Prince of Condi, and there met by accident with some English nobleman to whom I was known. The prince and his sisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat. They complimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress which was altogether new to them, being a blue English writing habit trimmed with gold, and a hat with a feather. They were particularly well pleased with my hair which hung down to my waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnight at their house, an invitation which I was very much mortified at being obliged to refuse, because my lord did not understand the French language. I was enchanted with the place and the company, the women being amiable and the men polite. Where were they strangers to my name and story? For Mr. S., calling it the same place a few days after, they rallied him on my account. When we arrived at Paris the first thing I did was to metamorphose myself into a French woman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good complexion of my own with rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I had never used before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went to the twilleries full of spirits and joy. For at that time everything conspired to make me happy. I had health, youth, and beauty, love, vanity, and affluence, and found myself surrounded with diversions which were gay, new, and agreeable. My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the whole company, who considered me a stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was I equipped in the fashion of the French. And when they understood who I was, they applauded my person with the most lavish incomiums according to their known politeness. After having made a circuit round all the public places of entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company by an English family residing in that city, and among others became acquainted with a French lady whose charms were remarkably attractive. The Duke of Cay was her admirer, but she lived in reputation with her mother and an agreeable sister, whose lover was the Prince of Sea, for almost every lady in France has her aim all. With this charming woman whose name was Madame de la Tee, I often made parties of pleasure. The Duke, Mr. S., she and I, used to meet in the Bois de Boulogne, which is a pleasant wood at a small distance from Paris, whether the company repairs in the summer season for the benefit of the air, and having amused ourselves among the groves, embarked in his grace's équipage, which was extremely elegant, being a callage drawn by six fine long-tailed greys adorned with ribbons in the French taste, and thus we were conducted to a little enchanted, or at least enchanting, palace possessed by the Duke at one end of the town. The lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with yellow and silver. The bed surrounded with looking-glasses, and the door opened into the garden, laid out in a cradle-walk and intervening par-taires, of roses and other flowers. Above stairs my female companion lodged in a chamber furnished with chints. We supped all together in the saloon, which though small was perfectly elegant. The company was always good-humored, the conversations brightly enjoy us, and the scene, though often repeated, still delightful and entertaining. At other times Mr. S. and I used to pass our evenings at the palace of the Prince of Sea, which is heinous lent to us for our accommodation. The apartments opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, in point of magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to repair in a flaming equipage on pretense of visiting, and spent the best part of the night with him who was dearer to me than all the princes in the world. While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little Lord was employed in his efforts to recover his health by restoratives, and I know not what, for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of his passion, and complained that he loved me more like an angel than a woman, though he strove to govern his affections according to the doctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his life by the maxims of Charles XII of Sweden. The meaning of this declaration I could never learn, and indeed I have been often tempted to believe he had no meaning at all. Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and my situation extremely uneasy on account of the perpetual wrangling which prevailed between us in consequence of his desiring to sleep with me again after we had parted beds for the second time, and that I might no longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, I resolved to leave him, though at the hazard of my life. Thus determined I went to the British ambassador in a hackney coach, and in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed him against my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which, as he said, instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added a wildness to my looks which was far from being disagreeable. He had been a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well-stricken in years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This disposition perhaps rendered him more favourable to my case, though he first advised me to return to my husband. But finding me obstinate he undertook to serve me in my own way, and procured a protection from the French king, by virtue of which I could live at Paris unmolested by my lord. Nevertheless he advised me, if I was determined to leave him, to make the best of my way to England and sue for a divorce. I relished his opinion, and concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which I borrowed some linen, for as it was impossible to convey anything out of my own house without suspicion, I had neither clothes for my accommodation, nor a servant to wait on me. In this solitary condition I took the road to Flanders, after I had put my lord upon a wrong cent, by writing a letter to him, dated at Calais, and travelled through an unknown country without any other attendant than the postillion, being subjected to this inconvenience by the laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars, that if any person had been apprehended with me he would have suffered death for going off with a man's wife, though any man might go to bed with that same woman without fear of incurring any legal punishment. I proceeded night and day without intermission that I might the sooner reach Flanders where I knew I should be safe, and as the nights were excessively cold I was feigned to wrap myself up in flannel which I bought for the purpose as I had no clothes to keep me warm and travelled in an open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quite remote from the habitations of men, I was not without apprehension of being stripped and murdered by the postillion, and in all probability owed my safety to the indigence of my appearance, which might also protect me in two miserable places where I was obliged to lie before I got out of the territories of France. For as I could not reach the great towns where I intended to lodge, I was under the necessity of putting up at little wretched hovels where no provision was to be had but sour brown bread and sourer cheese, and everything seemed to denote the dens of despair and assassination. I made shift, however, to subsist on this fair, uncomfortable as it was, confiding on the meanness of my equipage for the security of my person, and at length arriving at Brussels fixed my quarters at the Hotel de Flandre, so well known to the English sense, where I thought myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight. I had not been two full days in this place when I was blessed with the sight of my lover, who followed me on the wings of love in pursuance of the plan we had projected before my departure from Paris. Here we concerted measures for proceeding to England. I hired a tall, fine Legeois for my maid, and setting out for Ostend, we embarked on a vessel in which Mr. S. had bespoke our passage. Our voyage was short and prosperous, and our time most agreeably spent in the company of my dear partner, who was a most engaging man in all respects, as I dare say my Lady C. has since found him. I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland Street, retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my Lord. I communicated the reasons of my allotment to my father, who was shocked and surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with expressions of sorrow and resentment. But the step was taken, nor did I repent of what I had done except on his account. In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the Lord Chief Justice, to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my Lord, whose temper was teasing, tiresome, and intolerably capricious. Indeed his behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly, seasoned with a small proportion of sense. No wonder then that I, who am hot and hasty, should be wretched under the persecution of such a perverse humorist, who used to terrify me, and scold at me the whole night without intermission, and shake my pillow from time to time that I might not sleep, while he tormented me with his disagreeable expostulations. I have been often frightened almost out of my senses at seeing him convulsed with the most unreasonable passion, and chagrin to the highest degree of disgust, to find by repeated observation, his disposition so preposterous that his satisfaction and displeasure never depended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged, but on the contrary, when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most discontented, and very often in good humour when he had reason enough for vexation. While I lived in Polen Street, I was engaged with lawyers, and so often visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole time as usual to my lover, nor was it convenient that he should be seen in my company. He therefore took a small house at Camberwell, whether I went as often as I had an opportunity, and maintained the correspondence with such eagerness in industry, that although I was six months gone with child, I have often by myself set out for his habitation in a hackney-coach at eleven o'clock at night, and returned by six in the morning that I might be in my own bed when my father came to see me, for I concealed my amor as well as the effects of it from his knowledge, and frequently took water from the bridge that my motions might not be discovered. Nothing but the most passionate love could have supported my spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my admirer to spend whole days by himself in such a solitary retirement. End of Chapter 81, Part 5