 Good morning, everybody. Welcome to my talk. My talk will be about being radically candid and transactional analysis that leads to effective leadership. My name is Michel van Velde. I am the founder of Wanshu, a creative and digital agency based in the Netherlands. We work for international clients. I'm also board member of the Drupal Association. Today I'm standing here on behalf of my agency, not the board. I have to say this. I'm also board member of the Economic Board in Utrecht. I'm standing in front of you with a story about what happened to my company, and particularly to me as a leader of the company. I started and founded the agency in 2006. And we were, I can honestly say, successful from day one. I landed my first client on the day I registered my agency. And I jumped on the train, and the train became a rocket. And I was living the brilliant life of successful entrepreneur until 2017. And this is where I started to learn everything about true leadership. And I'm going to share you, well, everything I've learned in the last two years. In 2017, we lost a major client. We knew this was coming, and we had to find another and replace that client to keep the operations going. That took a couple of months longer than we expected. And at the same time, one of my colleagues got into a burnout. Another colleague went on skiing holidays, and she got into a skiing accident. And these are like three hurdles I had to come across early in 2017. I won't go into detail, but I was facing somewhere around May or June, I was facing 17 hurdles. And I remember one day early in the morning, I was standing under the shower, and it felt like Mike Tyson had done a workout on me. I felt really stressed out because of all the hurdles I had to come across. So being an entrepreneur, I decided to take matters in my own hand and steer the company into the new bright ocean and go for growth again. I made a lot of mistakes in terms of my leadership skills and in terms of my communication skills. And this is what I'm going to talk about today. There is a happy ending to the story. 2018 was a record-breaking year again. So we're back into the clear. We're doing absolutely fine. But it took 2017, took a lot of strain and toll on me. And this is what this talk is about. This talk is about leadership and effective communication. And believe me, I will share some valuable insights that will help you not only from a business perspective, but also from a personal perspective. All right, let's talk about leadership. This is, when we talk about leadership, what leadership looks like. You're right in the top. And the second bit, this is what leadership feels like. The difference between leadership versus management is quite simple. Management is working through routine processes. Leadership is like walking into the void. You have to find new territory. You have to come across hurdles that have never been done before. And management then takes over and turns this into management processes and goes to the daily routine. So leadership is leading the agency into, well, new waters, new territories. And that's walking into the void because you have no idea what you come across. Leadership is, and this is what McKinsey found out, is like oxygen. Leaders are investing more and more into leadership skills because they know it's true value to their company and their organization. So leadership throughout the company, it's not only the management team or the board of directors. Now leadership now is necessary throughout all parts of the organization. So let's take a look at the Drupal community. You want to come up with a new module and you've got to convince other developers to do so. That's leadership as well. All right, so I'm going to walk you through some question and some pictures. And the question is these people, I'm going to show you some photos for like a couple of seconds per photo. And I'm going to ask you the questions to you. Are these leaders yes or no? Well, he's a leader, yes or no? All right. I knew this was coming. I had to be in the air, of course. I had to do it. Remember this guy? So think about it. Were these leaders? A second question is, are you a leader? I think you are. Every one of us is a leader. Could be within the Drupal community. Could be at your work. Could be at home. Leading your children into a new life. So leadership is not just from management or a board perspective. Leadership is found in every position in life. So here I was. Well, Mike Tyson just done his workout on me and was not feeling very happy. So I started to do some self-analysis. And I came quite a long way. But I also learned there's some pitfalls to doing self-analysis. The pitfalls of self-analysis is that it's very difficult to be objective. You need to be accurately on both your strength and your weaknesses. But you tend to heavily rely on your strength and downsize your weaknesses. That's just a basic, natural thing. So I think I got to about 70%. And I knew I was missing something. So I said, OK, if I don't have it in me with a lot of self-reflection, let's start reading some books. So I came across, well, first it was a podcast. And then I found this book which is called Radically Candid. Radically Candid is a book. It's written by a woman. She'd been working with Google. And she had a colleague who was not performing really well. And that person had quite a bit of problems at home and everything. And she was really nice to him. She was not open or candid and telling him that he was not performing really well. So as the year went by, she was taking over some of his work. And at the end of the year, the review came up, are we going to lengthen your contract? Yes or no? She said, sorry, we're not going to lengthen your contract. So why not? I don't think you perform really well and et cetera, et cetera. And then he says, but you never told me. Because you were too nice and too sweet, and you were not openly and radically candid to me. So I said, wow, well, this is it. I have to be radically candid to my colleagues and stir them into the blue ocean. This is what I'm going to do. That didn't work out. It really didn't work out. It just turned against me. So yeah, being candid is good. But how you communicate, that's where the essence is. So I was like, okay, this is not particularly working. Try some other books and I was like, okay. And then I remembered this picture. This is Tiger Woods. He's the number one golf player. He was the number one golf player in the world until he made some mistakes. I'm not going into depth on that one. But I remember this picture and I said, okay, you are the number one in the world, but you still have a coach behind you. And I thought, okay, so behind every leader, there is a coach. And I said, okay, so let's go over that bit of ego and he says, okay, I'm not good enough. Gotta learn. So I found a coach, brilliant guy. He's into business economics, but also psychology at the same time. Leadership and organizational change. So I still remember going there for the first time, went over to his office and well, we started talking. He says, why do you want to do this? Because it looks like you're really busy as well. You know, I want to change. So well, that's the first thing I wanted to ask you. Do you want to change this? Yeah, I want to change. So we entered into some role plays and I immediately found that I was stuck in terms of my communication. And then he entered me into the world of transactional analysis. TA, it's called. You can Google it, it's really cool. But we're gonna deep dive into it in a minute. So transactional analysis, every form of communication can be seen as a transaction. You know, it's a transaction in between people. I want something from you. You want something from me. And we have a conversation about it. I want you to do your job properly. This is a transaction as well. So what I learned during that first session that I was stuck in what they call the drama triangle. And this little triangle, believe me, will change your life. If you haven't heard from me yet. Okay, so problems you experience evoke emotions in you. You know, I was heavily emotional because my company was not doing well. You know, and I've been riding the success wave and suddenly there was no more water on the wave. And it's like, okay, so it's heavily emotional. This will basically got me into, well, there's a bit of fear, some anxiety, some tensions, angers, some frustration. And that emotion evokes a certain behavior. And which kind of behavior that varies from person to person. Some will fight, others will fight. That's basic, you know, human nature. You either fight or flight. Some other will paralyze, you know. And all, in all cases, it's reactive behavior. You have to respond to your emotion. And basically you respond to your emotion, sorry. And not the problem. So whenever a problem arises or, and you feel the anxiety flowing through your body, you gotta push this aside, you know, and basically block all negative emotion and focus on the problem. That's difficult. I'm not gonna say this talk is going to be lead you into the future. Like, yeah, this is going to be difficult to do. But if you start, you know, learning this, this is great. So you don't want to feel annoyed by the emotion. You want to get rid of the emotion. And when you act on the basis of emotion, you're in the drama triangle. And here we are. Okay. So this is the drama triangle. So here I am, you know, at my office. Colleagues has made a mistake. I'm radically candid. And I say, okay, you haven't done your job right. So here I was persecuting somebody, not doing his job properly, you know. And this is basically in the right hand corner, the persecutor, it's all your fault. I was critical. I was controlling. And I was taking the superior position because I thought that was the way into leading the company into a better world. In 80% of the time, people will react as a victim. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, you are always late. You know, that's pretty much the persecuting position. Oh, I'm really sorry. Bridge was open, you know, and the tires of my bicycle and, you know, and my radio clock's not working properly. We had a power outage. I don't know. It's poor me, purely powerless, hopeless and stuck. In 80% of the time, your reaction will be because you feel sorry for the person. You're like, okay, I'm gonna rescue that guy. Let me help you. You know, so you got to start doing his or her work. So if you start doing that, if you start rescuing, this is what I was doing, you know, start rescuing. First, I was persecuting, I saw the victim part. I was rescuing to the max. Problem was, it messed up my personal agenda. So instead of working nine hours, I was working 12 hours a day. So at the end of the day, you know, leaving the office, everybody had gone already. The colleague, the victim colleague, had already left, you know, you know, see, it's time is up. You know, and I was still there doing his job and my job, and do you hear it already? I'm already persecuting the guy again. So then I drive home, my wife does, you're late, you know, I haven't seen you, you know. Are you the entrepreneur who's always away instead of at home with the children and stuff? She's persecuting me and guess where I am? The victim, yeah. So I started as a persecutor, you know, then I started being the rescuer, then I started persecuting again. I ended up being the victim. That was not really the place I wanted to be. So I asked my coach, okay, how can we get out of this? All right, so when you, in the drama triangle, you will often see that or wait for somebody else to move. You know, to get out of the drama triangle, to get into action, and because he or she, they basically must change. It's not you, it's the other person, you know, it needs to change the way they work. And to realize that, you both need to know that you're all in the game together. And I got this brilliant little line from my coach. This is a life saver, you gotta write it down. You see somebody who's not performing, you know, and first you're gonna be factual, you know. I've been going over the times you've come in and I see that about, that 80% of the times you come in late. If I tell that person you're always late, I'm statistically wrong. And he will say that's not true. And we have an argument about the statistical fact that I was not right. Not about the problem itself. So you have to be statistically right, factually right. This is okay, in 80% of the times I've been noticing going over your timesheet, you know, you're late. And this is the brilliant line. Remember this one. What can you do yourself to be on time? And then if they wanna truly play that victim role, I don't know. Well, go figure it out. You know, do some research. There's Google, uh-huh. Google has the answer to everything. But by answering that little question, I was empowering him to change. I went on with my day-to-day business and just left him and he's like, well, he's empowering me. You know, he felt strong. And I was enabling him to change. So that was good. So this is basically the persecutor and the drama triangle in a different perspective, which I am going over right now. When you start your communication, you know, you have to be talking from a standpoint, this is difficult, but there's a lot of emotion in you. And I told you, you have to push all that emotion out. Because if they see emotion, you're already in the drama triangle. So push your emotion out, be factual and state, I'm okay, you're okay. Because if you are the persecutor, you'll be, I'm okay, you're not okay. That's drama triangle. The rescuer says, okay, I'm not okay, you're okay. You know, and the victim, you know, that's, you know, you're not in an okay position. You know, you're in a plus-minus situation. So then I was, no. So you've learned now about the drama triangle. I'm gonna show you a quadrant now. This is the second thing you'll be learning today. So here I am, I'm okay, you're okay. This is difficult. This is, you have to, you know, be in full control over your body, your emotions. And when you start a position from I'm okay, you're okay. You will have a healthy conversation. If you're starting the conversation from I'm okay, you are not okay, you will be in the drama triangle. For sure. If you are in a position, I'm not okay, victim, you're okay, you're in the drama triangle. If you're, I'm not okay, you're not okay, there's drama all over. You don't wanna be there, I can tell you that. There could be another position. This is an ego position, I'm okay. No, no, I'm very much okay. You're okay, but I'm a little bit more okay than you are. That's drama triangle as well. So then I found this other book, you know, and the book is called I'm Okay, You're an Idiot. That was really fun to read actually. So I was reading the book and I think it's the first chapter and it changed already my mind into I'm an idiot and you're okay. Yeah, because when you're I'm okay, you're not okay, you're an idiot, you'll be entering the drama triangle. So one piece of advice, I'm skipping a bit of my presentation now, never ask, this is gonna write this down as well, never ask a dot idiot question. If you ask somebody a question and you can put dot idiot behind it, you know, you're in an I'm okay, you're not okay position already, you know, that's an accusation, you know, and trapped within a question. So you're always late. Dot idiot, you know, why are you always late? You idiot, you know, so you really gotta be factual and you know, having the conversation from an I'm okay, you're okay position. So, okay, now bear with me, I'm gonna deep dive into transactional analysis. Based on some observations, there was a, there was a psychologist called Eric Byrne, I believe it was somewhere in the 1950s or 60s and the psychologist was talking about the psyche of people and it was all based on, now I've got the name of the former psychologist, ah, I've got the name, sorry. But anyway, in his conversation with his clients, he found out that people were changing ego positions. So, in some times they were having an adult position, they were talking from an adult position and sometimes they were talking from a really childish like position, you know, the free-minded creative position and sometimes they were like in a parent position. So he found out people, even within one conversation could change in ego statuses. So, it was Freud, yes, I got the name now, Freud in the past was talking about ego statuses as well and they were talking about the ego statuses like the it. And nobody was understanding what Freud had written down. So Byrne came up with the modern form of psychology called transactional analysis. So, let me talk about the parent position. You know, the parent position reflects the absorption of over years of influences of actual parents. When you read the book, I'm okay, you're okay, you'll be learning that a child from the age of zero to about five is recording a lot of images from their parents. The way they act, the way they communicate and they all store them in the parent position. In his life, the person will have leaders like for example, their manager, their CEO, their teacher and all that kind of behavior from leaders around them, they will store in their parent position as being the truth and they will act accordingly and they are heavily recorded and you cannot change that. I still remember my parents saying, wearing white socks, that's not done, you gotta wear colorful socks. So this is stored in my parent position, this is a really stupid example, but I won't ever wear white socks. But as life changes and over time, you start questioning all those scripts that you have within your system. That's what the adult position does, you know. This is where we hope to be as an adult and it's dealing with all the vicissitudes of everyday life and it's basically also regulating the activities between the parent and the child position. In short, behavior, thoughts and feeling which are in direct response to the here and now. I'm okay wearing white socks, you know, all my parents have told me like, white socks, it's no go area, you know, I'm okay with it now, but still I know there's a script inside of me that says it's not okay to wear white socks. Okay, and then there's a child position. Child position's a really interesting one. This is where we go basically back to our childhood. It's child-like, it's not childish and this is where the creatives, the free-minded people are roaming, you know. They have no boundaries, you know, they come up with crazy ideas and stuff and those are not regulated by daily life or anything that's being stored in the parent position. If you read the book, I'm okay, you're okay. You'll be deep diving into these situations. You'll have, for example, in the child position, there is the free-roaming child, the creative child, but you also have the, well, I'm calling, I don't know the right word of it right now, but it's called the obnoxious child. When the parent says to him, when I tell my kids to say, okay, clean up your room, you know, this is quite demanding, you know, top-down position, that would be, okay. And they don't clean their room properly, you know, you know, that's gonna happen, you know. So, but when I talk to my kid from, and this is the parent position, you have the steering parent, you have to clean your room, and you have the feeding parent. A clean room cleans your head. So, I would like to advise you to clean your room, you know, it's a mess, you know, but the clean room, and your kid says, okay, you know, sounds good, so it's a different approach. So, the lessons learned for me is by identifying whether you're stuck or sucked in the drama triangle, you can deviate from your position, and you can always continue from an adult dialogue position. Within meetings in my office, I now can easily identify in which position people are. When people are in the child position, they're free-roaming, you know, they're brabbling away, you know, and well, some of the stuff they're saying, you know, I like, and some of the stuff I just don't like, you know, and then I have the 1% rule, you know, I'm focusing on the stuff they like, you know, and I address to them, it's like, hey, the stuff you just said, that little piece of information you just gave me, I really like, and to deep dive into it, and I ignore the rest, because they're just brabbling away. And then they're like, hey, wow, they're listening to me. When people are in the child position, they want to be listened to, and once you listen, they move automatically to the adult position, and you can have an adult conversation again. So it's really interesting to identify in which position people are. Okay, so I'm gonna walk you through some key ideas. Great leaders identify other people's treats, and act upon them. So yeah, I got the question earlier this morning, it's like, okay, why are you into psychology? So well, I want to be an effective leader, and effective leadership is about communicating effectively. So I have to identify the traits, I have to identify in which position people are to be able to communicate effectively. If I'm a steering parent, and the other person is in his child position, we'll end up in a drama triangle, for sure. It won't work out, it won't be effective. So you have to get into the same position to be effective. But that requires some studying, reading the book, I'm okay or okay, and you'll be fine. So okay, key position number two, key ID number two, good leaders solve problems, and great leaders first ask questions to make sure the right problem is solved. I got to look at the time, I got two minutes left. There's a parable that reflects this. There's a couple of blind men and an elephant. This story originated in ancient India, and it's a story of a group of blind men who have never come across an elephant before, and who learned to conceptualize what an elephant is by touching it. So the first one is just grabbing the till, and it says, yeah, that's her rope. And the other one is just grabbing the stomach, and it says, no, it's a wall. And the other one just grabs the leg, and says, no, it's a tree trunk. So they all have a different perception of what an elephant is. So every now and then, a couple of colleagues come into my office, and they have a problem, and they wanna discuss it with me. And based on what they're saying, I can say something or just the way to go. But the first thing I'm going to do is ask questions. Because each one of them has a different perception of what the problem is. And we have to find out, and I just say to them, okay, what's the elephant? And they're like, okay, yeah. So we gotta talk about the problems first. I'm gonna ask questions, and questions, and questions. And they come to realize what the total elephant is, and then we come up with a solution. Not based on the trunk, or the till, or whatever, or the stomach. No, the whole question. So all I'm doing now, save me a lot of time, is just ask questions, and they come up with a solution. I'm not bringing the solution to them, otherwise I'll be in a different position. Okay, great leaders set the standards, and they act accordingly. That's really important. If you don't set the standards, and you don't act accordingly, they won't follow you, and they will follow the standards. People will view your actions, and they will draw their own conclusions. So this is a lesson I learned. Every month I give a presentation to the whole company about the state of the organization, and everybody walks out with a different conclusion. And they have their own opinion about it, and their own conclusion, and then I have to rehearse, and rehearse, and just, sometimes I gotta rehearse myself about five times to get the message across. So we're all aligned. People are, everybody's different, and every brain is different, so everybody will consume the information in a different way. This is an interesting one. This is what Einstein wrote. Everything is energy, and if you match the frequency of the reality you want, and you will get that reality. This is not a philosophy, this is physics. If I walk into a room with a lot of negative anger, and I want something, you know, I will get a lot of negative anger back. It's not gonna happen. So if you tune in your energy in a way you wanna get something done, then you'll get it, you know? This is almost religion, you gotta believe in this. So everything is energy, your thoughts begin it, your emotions will amplify it, your actions give energy to the momentum, and people will feel it. Absolutely, and I believe this, this is my religion. Same as the drama trials, part of my religion as well now. Okay, some tips and tricks. I don't know if you've ever heard about push and pull communication. What happens when you're in an argument, and the other party is just trying to blow you away with arguments. He's pushing, you know? And you can push back, you know? And, but you know, the energy goes up, it's like a volcano, you know, you're pushing and pushing and suddenly it erupts, and you're in the drama triangle. What you can do is, if you wanna reach a certain outcome, you start pulling, it's basically asking questions, you know, and by asking questions, you can change his thoughts on the subject. You know, you can ask, okay, so I hear your argument about X, and have you considered Y or Z, and how did you come up with that argument, and you know, and then they start revealing, you know, how they've come to a certain conclusion, you know, and along the way, you might be able to change their thoughts in a different direction. So that's the push and pull strategy. Well, I told you already by the .idiot questions, you know, don't dive into that, you know, the .idiot questions are very ineffective, so it's all about, you know, effective communication. And when you give feedback, you know, we're in America, I had to do this, the hamburger model, you know, you start with something positive, you know, your conversation is like, hey man, you're doing a great job, you know, but as of late, I see you're coming in, you know, quite a bit late, and let's see how you can improve that, but keep up the good work. That's squeezing in, you know, your argument, your in-between two nice pieces of buns. And this is a really effective way of communicating, and it's called the hamburger model. So you can deep dive into that as well. So I hope this will give you some insights. It changed my life, you know, I'm far more effective. Once you had a record-breaking year last year, the energy is excellent at the office right now. I've been teaching this to all my colleagues, you know, so they all know about the drama triangle, and every now and then it says, okay man, it feels like during the drama triangle, you know, maybe we should step out of it, you know, oh yeah, yeah, cool, you know, how can you improve your life, how can you improve your work, you know, and people are feeling really empowered, and the company is just going superb again. 2017 is behind, I've learned my lessons, and I'm very proud to have shared this with you. Thank you very much. Okay. And don't forget about the contribution possibilities and opportunities on Friday. There's mentored contribution, first-time contribution workshop, and general contribution. Thank you. If you have any questions, you can come up to me and I'll have a one-on-one with you.