 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Nothing, no nothing beats better taste. And remember, Lucky's taste better, Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky's taste better, Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike means, Lime tobacco, richer tasting, Lime tobacco, Lucky's taste better, Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike, Lucky Strike. Yes, friends, nothing. No, nothing beats better taste. And Lucky's taste better, Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Here's why. Lucky's better taste starts with fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that has a wonderful taste all its own. Remember, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. In addition, Lucky's are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed to draw freely and smoke evenly. To taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. And say, Christmas shoppers, because Lucky's are so popular everywhere, they'll make wonderful gifts for all the smokers on your list. Your Christmas Lucky's come in a really beautiful gift carton, specially created by the world-famous designer Raymond Loy. As there are only a few shopping days left, get yours now at your favorite cigarette counter. Make this a Lucky Christmas. Give your family and friends, yes, give everyone a cherry Christmas carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky, for Christmas gifts this year. Casting from the Veterans Administration Hospital at Long Beach, California, the Lucky Strike program starring Jack Finney. With Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis Day, Mark Prosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, since our program today comes to you from a hospital, I take great pleasure in bringing you a man who talks like a doctor and walks like a nurse. What? Jack Finney! Well, that's all I've got to say. Well, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Finney talking. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Don, Don. Oh, I'm sorry to break up like this. Jack, with that introduction I gave you, it was so funny, I just can't help laughing. Oh, you thought it was funny, huh, Don? Yeah, you're not angry, are you? No, no. Well, I'm glad you're not, because you don't be anything for a laugh. Yeah. Talks like a doctor and walks like a nurse. You sure you're not angry? Don, Don, now why should I be angry? After you said I, when you said I talked like a doctor, I was flattered. After all, if I'm a doctor, I'm an MD. MD means more deductions, which is exactly what you're going to find on your paycheck this week. Now, laugh that one off. Now, wait a minute, Jack, every time I say something that strikes me funny, you always- Don, Don, Don, Don, don't get excited. I'm not going to cut your salary. I only said that to stop you from laughing. See, the way you were shaking, I was afraid Terminal Island would sink another three feet. No kidding, fellas, you ever see a stomach as big as Don's? If that thing was filled with toys, every kid in America would be loaded. Hey, Don, if you're such a laughing boy, why is it when I say funny things, you don't get hysterical? That was a pretty good joke, you know. Well, frankly, I fail to see the humor in any platitudes concerning my obesity. What does that mean? I don't like being called a big fat slob. Well, in that case, oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack, hiya, fellas. Well, Mary, I'm certainly glad you got here in time for the show. You know, you had me worried. Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but I overslept. It took me an hour and 20 minutes to drive down from Beverly Hills. Oh, you overslept, huh? Yeah, I've been up late every night this week. Well, look, Mary, if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times. If you want to remain a big star, you can't stay up all hours of the night having fun. Who's having fun? I'm wrapping Christmas packages at May Company. Oh, yes, the Christmas rush, yeah. Excuse me, minute, Jack. Oh, Don. Yes, Mary. I've got a big surprise for you. Just as I entered the building, I ran into Dr. Comar and Dr. Bohr. No kidding, Mary. Dr. Comar and Dr. Bohr, huh? Who's Dr. Comar? Who's Dr. Bohr? Don, they said that since the operation, they've received honorary mention from the medical society. Ah, gee, that's quite an honor for Dr. Comar and Dr. Bohr. Who's Dr. Comar and who's Dr. Bohr? And you know, Don. Wait a minute. Who's Dr. Comar and Dr. Bohr? Well, Jack, if you must know, they're the doctors who performed a major abdominal operation on Don. On Don? Yes. Gee, I didn't know Don had a stomach operation, Mary. What did they take out? They didn't take anything out. They put in a deep freeze. Now, Mary, Mary, before you came in, Don told me that he doesn't like any platitudes concerning his obesity. Uh, what does that mean? I don't know, Mary, really. I'm quoting. Oh, long fellow, the poet? No fact, fellow, the announcer. Now, look, Mary, we came down to entertain the boys here at the Veteran Administration Hospital. So let's not... Excuse me, Mary. Come in. Here I am, boss. Rochester! Well, bring it, bring it right in, Rochester. We'll set it up here in the corner. Jack, a Christmas tree. That's right, Mary. I bought it for the boys here. Well, Jack, with trees selling for a dollar and a half a foot, you certainly picked out a nice big one. Oh, I picked this one out, Miss Livingston. I returned the one that Mr. Belly bought. Uh, why? Couldn't you get it through the door? Through the door, you could have gotten that one through the keyhole. Rochester, do me a favor. Just set the tree up and start trimming it. Okay. And, boss, if I do a good job with you, give me the rest of the week off. I sort of made arrangements to play Santa this year. Rochester, you're... You're gonna play Santa Claus? No, Santa, neither. I should have known. I'm sorry, Rochester, but I'm not giving you any time off to go to the racetrack. But, boss! Rochester, don't but boss me. You've been working for me for 12 years, and I've made it a policy never to let you gamble. Mr. Benny is right, Rochester. It'd be different if you were making a decent salary. Why, certainly. Rochester, set up the Christmas tree and start trimming it. Okay. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride the one-horse open sleigh. Rochester. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. If my voice was higher, you would fire Dynasty. I would not. Now, Rochester, just hang the ornaments on the tree and be very careful with them because... Hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, you fellas. Bob Krugman. Say, Bob, this is the first time you've been down to the Veterans Hospital in Long Beach. How do you like it? Oh, it's just wonderful, Jack. You know, this whole place is run just like a great big luxurious hotel. A hotel? You know, Jack, I ran into a friend of mine who's a patient here and you should have heard him rave about the service. No kidding. Why, he said, all you have to do is just yell and four beautiful nurses rush in and wait on you. No. Yeah. And he said, it doesn't matter when you feel like eating. All you got to do is just press a little buzzer and the chef comes out, sits on the edge of your bed and says, which would you prefer, boys? Belay Mignon or Crepe Suzette? Well, that is service. I don't blame your friend for raving. Oh, that isn't all. If you feel like a little liqueur or champagne after dinner, why, my friend said, all you have to do is just call the wine steward and... Bob. Bob, why'd you stop talking? Well, that's where my friend stopped. He came out of the ether. Well, I thought he was exaggerating a little bit. Now, Bob, even though Dennis is going to sing later, I think the boys here would appreciate it if you did a song too. How about it? Well, I've got a song that hasn't anything to do with Christmas, but it's a very big hit right now. Well, I'm sure they'd like to hear it. Let's have it. Don't let the stars get in your eyes Don't let the stars get in your eyes Don't let the moon break your heart Blooms at night, in daylight it dies Don't let the stars get in your eyes Oh, keep your heart for me, for someday I'll return And you know you're the only one I'll ever love Too many nights, too many stars Too many moons could change your mind If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong When the stars come out, remember you are mine Don't let the stars get in your eyes Don't let the moon break your heart Love blooms at night, in daylight it dies Don't let the stars get in your eyes Oh, keep your heart for me, for someday I'll return And you know you're the only one I'll ever love Don't let the stars get in your eyes Don't let the moon break your heart Blooms at night, in daylight it dies Don't let the stars get in your eyes Oh, keep your heart for me, for someday I'll return And you know you're the only one I'll ever love Too many nights, too many stars Too many moons could change your mind If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong When the stars come out, remember you are mine When the stars come out, remember you are mine I'm the only one I'll ever love Don't let the stars get in your eyes Oh, keep your heart for me, for someday I'll return And you know you're the only one I'll ever love Too many nights, too many stars Too many moons could change your mind If I'm gone too long, don't forget where you belong When the stars come out, remember you are mine When the stars come out, remember you are mine When the stars come out, remember you are mine Well, that'll fool everybody. Now look, Mary. Oh, boss. What is it, Rochester? I'm almost finished trimming the tree. How's it look? Those ornaments I brought down certainly look nice, but Rochester, the tree doesn't look colorful with just the red ornaments. Put some green ones on now. There ain't any green ones. Rochester, I picked out two dozen green ones. How come they're all red? They ripened on the way down. I told you not to use them. I can't understand how those tomatoes could ripen so fast. From Beverly Hills to Long Beach is only 40 miles as the crow flies. That's a 1952 crow. You got a 1910 Maxwell. Oh, stop. Rochester's right, Jack. Why don't you get rid of that old car and buy a new one? I'll tell you why, Mary. That car has been like an old friend to me. It's been with me through rain and shine, through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through McKinley and Coolidge. Very funny, Mary. Very funny. I think that was the cleverest line in the show. Don't you think so, Bob? Bob? Sam. Yes, sir. Everybody has to be a comedian. Well, Jack, you've got to admit that Mary got off some beautiful ad-libs today. I know. She must be trying to impress the girls at the May Company. May Company? What does he mean, Mary? Well, Bob, I can't live on what Jack is paying me, so I'm working nights rapping Christmas gifts. Oh, no. Now, wait a minute. I don't believe that Jack could be that cheap. Well, brother, you're in for a shock. A shock? Yeah, last night I wrapped the Christmas gift he's sending you. No kidding, Mary. What did he get me? Well, I'm not allowed to tell, Bob. But you unwrapped the Christmas package. Save the paper. It's the most expensive part. You nearly lost that joke. I thought she'd never get to the end of that one. I don't mind being stingy, but get to it. Now, Bob, believe me, I'm sending you a very... Excuse me. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. Mr. Benny, I represent the patients here at the Long Beach Veterans Hospital. I see. We understand that when you did a show at an air base, the boys gave you a propeller with their names on it. Yes, yes, they did. And when you did a program at a naval base, they gave you a life preserve of bearing the signatures of the entire personnel. That's right. So we, too, would like to present you with a token of our appreciation. You would? Yes. On behalf of the patients here at the Veterans Hospital in Long Beach, I'd like to present you with this autographed bedsheet. Well, isn't that wonderful? Gee, look at all the names of the boys here. Wait a minute. What's this name here? It looks like Robert Smith. But the Robert has scratched out, and it says Louise. Yes, the doctors here are as good as the ones in Denmark. Louise, well, what do you know? Well, thank you very much for the gift. You're welcome. What a thing to present me with a bedsheet. Oh, boss. Yes, Rochester. I can't reach the top of the tree to put the star on it. Well, of course you can't reach it. Use the ladder. But, boss, that ladder's all the wobbly. Oh, stop being a baby. Give me that star. I'll climb the ladder and put it up myself. There we are. And all I have to do is lean over. Jack, Jack, the ladder's starting to shake. Look out! Hmm. Boss, boss, the tree looks beautiful. What do you mean the tree looks beautiful? I still got the star in my hand. I know, but your toupee blew up and caught on the top tree. My toupee? Yeah, lots of trees have snow, but this one's got dandruff. Hmm. Jack, Jack, when you fell off the ladder, did you hurt yourself? No, darn it. What do you mean, darn it? Well, the year is almost up, and I haven't had a chance to use my Blue Cross policy yet. All right, just to set the ladder up again, I'm going to put that star up. Well, just a minute, just a minute, Jack. What is it, Don? Well, the sportsman Quartet just came in and they prepared a commercial. I'm sure the fellas here like. Can they do it now? Well, certainly, Don. Tell them to go right ahead. Okay. All right, fellas, take it. Listen, listen, listen, listen. Better watch out, you better not cry. Listen now, Jack, we're telling you why. Santa Claus is coming through town. He's making a list and checking it twice. Going to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming through town. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake. Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry. Listen now, Jack, we're telling you why. Santa Claus is coming through town. With plenty of luck, he's right on his back. A cardin' or two for Mary and Jack. Santa Claus is coming through town. And you can be sure that Santa is glad. Bring him those luckies to mother and dad. Santa Claus is coming through town. Now Santa knows that lucky strikes are better tasting too. There's nothing that beats better tasting. There is nothing, no there's nothing. Light up a lot, eat better smart now. Open up pack, we're telling you how. Santa Claus is coming through town on Thursday. Listen, listen, listen, listen, Santa Claus is coming through town. It was very, very nice, Don. Gee, I wish I could use that number on my television show next Sunday. Oh, that's right, Jack. Your next TV show is the 28th, isn't it? That's right, next Sunday. Jack, are you having any guest stars? Am I having guest stars? Get this, Mary. I'm having Mr. and Mrs. Jimmy Stewart. Wow, Jimmy Stewart and his wife. Why, Jack, that must cost a fortune. No, no it doesn't, Bob. You see, I made a very good deal. You see, I only hired Jimmy Stewart's wife and Jimmy is coming on for nothing. Yeah, but why would he do that? He doesn't trust me. Anyway, they're going to be with me next Sunday on my TV show. Well, Dennis, it's about time you got here. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, everybody. Dennis, what made you so late? Oh, I wasn't late. What? I was here all the time, but my mother told me to hide. Why would your mother tell you to do a thing like that? She said I like to see the old man worried. Dennis, what has your mother got against me anyway? Look what I did for you. I made it possible for you to be on radio. Got your jobs and pictures, television. I don't know why your mother is so mad. While last summer, when I took you to London, I even bought you first-class passage. I'm worse than Mary here. While last summer, I'm going to take that line over again. Last summer, when I took you to London, I even bought you first-class passage. That's why she's mad at you. Why, because your ticket was first-class? No, because it was round trip. Oh, well, Dennis, I don't care if your mother likes me or not. And, kid, if she was listening to the program, I hope she squirmed a little, because I had Bob Crosby sing a song. Who? Bob Crosby. Who? Dennis, don't you remember me? Oh, Sam! Yes, Sam. Now, look here, Dennis. Jack. Huh? No wonder, Dennis says silly things. You get excited. You don't know how to handle them. I guess you're right, Mary. Of course I'm right. Now, look, Dennis, this is the first time you've been here at the Veterans Hospital. So why don't you... Oh, I was here before. Oh, you were? Uh-huh. During the war, when I was entering the service, I had to fill out a questionnaire, and after I got through answering all the questions, they sent me down here for an examination, and three doctors examined me to see if I was fit for the service. Three doctors? See, that must have been quite an examination. Did you have to remove all your clothes? No, they just told me to take off my hat. Well, that I can believe. Well, you know, Mr. Benny, I rode down here with Don Wilson, and he told me a very funny joke. Would you like to hear it? Well, yes, Dennis. Go ahead. Well, Don said that I... Just a second. Just a second, Dennis. Are you sure you can tell this joke before this mixed audience? You know, Louise is here. Is the joke all right? Oh, sure. It's a wonderful joke. Well, what is it? Well, Don told me that you ought to be a big success at this hospital because you talk like a doctor and walk like a nurse. Ha-ha! Dennis, I'm glad you repeated that joke, because if I'm a doctor, that makes me an MD. MD stands for Morton Downey, who may be singing on the program next week. Oy vey. So, watch it. Oh, boss! Oh, yes, Roger. Oh, is that you, oy vey? Oh, yes, oh, boss. Oh! Yes. Yes, Roger. I got the lights on the trees today. Turn them on. Yeah. Hey, kids, Rochester is ready to light up the tree. Let's all gather around. Oh, yeah. Let's see them, Dennis. Okay, Rochester, plug in the lights. Yes, sir. Hmm. The wires must be crossed. Well, something must be crossed. The tomato's lit up. Rochester, try it again. Yes, sir. Oh, here's a couple, boss. There's a bare wire right by the socket. Well, don't stand there. Fix it. Oh, me? Yes, you. Boss, I'm pulled around with electricity. Oh, Rochester, imagine being afraid of electricity. Supposing Robert Fulton was afraid, he never would have invented the electric light. Would he? Jack, you're thinking of Thomas Edison. Edison? Well, then what did Robert Fulton do? He wrote, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Oh, yes. Now, Rochester, please fix these lights. Okay, okay. Now, let me see. In electricity, there's the electrons and the electrodes. Then there's the positive and the negative. But I ain't positive, which one is negative? Hmm. Then there's the atoms. Now, the atoms are supposed to go from the positive to the negative. Or maybe they go from the electrons to the electrodes. Then again, maybe they go from Long Beach to Wilmington. Rochester. Now, as long as these atoms keep passing each other, everything is all right. But when they meet halfway and start fighting, they're going to turn on anybody who tries to butt in. Rochester, I'm not interested in the scientific detail. I just want you to fix those lights. And you've got nothing to be afraid of because while you're fixing it, no one is going to plug it in and no one is going to turn on the switch. Oh, I know, boss, while I'm holding the bare wire, you ain't going to turn on the switch, and Miss Winston ain't going to turn on the switch. Of course not. But way up there at Boulder Dam, there's a little man sitting in the room all alone with thousands of wires around him. So what? How do I know he ain't going to do something just to break the monotony? Rochester, so you can stop with the joke. Jack, Jack. What? Look, the lights went on. Oh, yes. Who fixed the wire? I did, Jack. Well, isn't that beautiful? Look how pretty the lights are. Oh, Dennis. Yes, Mr. Benny? Now that the tree is lit up and the boys here in the hospital are waiting to hear you sing, would you like to do some Christmas carols? I sure would, Mr. Benny. All right, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of my sponsor and my entire staff, I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas.