 Even if you know what the differences are, it can still be quite difficult to fit in socially into a social environment. If you don't know what the differences are, it's incredibly difficult to be able to find the common grounds, like be able to explain certain parts of your behaviour or other people's behaviour in order to facilitate friendships and such and socialising. If you don't know all of that, you're pretty much going in blind, like in a lot of cases. It is very much the case that a lot of people feel shame, like shame is a really strong feeling, I think to anybody who is different. It's reinforced socially to some degree, but it's also reinforced by ourselves for not being up to standard or not doing the right thing. A lot of people might take something that we said, and instead of seeing it as a misunderstanding or a miscommunication, they might assume the worst, and because we don't know exactly what's going on, we're a lot more likely to take on board those sort of negative things that people say. It kind of soaks into us a bit more. A lot of people on YouTube seem to think that the majority of autistic people are diagnosed early in childhood, whereas a lot of people are, there is a significant portion of individuals who go misdiagnosed or undiagnosed throughout their lifespan. Today we're going to take up a video. Today we're going to take a look at, oh my god, I need to get myself into streaming mode after being in Christmas mode for a while. Today we're going to have a look at a video looking into the difficult experiences of trauma for late diagnosed autistic individuals, whether there's anything that I can personally empathise with, whether it's anything that you can empathise with. We will have a look and see if this is pretty representative of the late diagnosed autistic experience. So this is dealing with the trauma of late diagnosis or some experiences by Woodshed Fairy. Hi guys, it is Claire, and today we are going to be unpacking our baggage together, so please stick around. We're serving Gothic Grandma. Hi friends, it is Claire and this is my channel, Woodshed Theory. Here I talk about what it is like to be an adult on the autism spectrum and whatever else feels good to me. So if that sounds good to you, please go ahead and subscribe to my channel so you don't miss my videos. I am one third of the way to 1000 subscribers, which is my goal. So if you do subscribe, thank you very much. I really, really, really appreciate it. Oh did I mention I put out videos three times a week? So today we are sticking with the theme of my channel and we're keeping things light and entertaining. We're going to talk about dealing with the trauma of late autism diagnosis. Side note, have you no- I don't know if that's like some kind of like dark sense of humor or not, but it doesn't sound like it's kind of a light topic to tackle. Notice that most people on the spectrum have a dark twisted sense of humor. I think that probably has something to do with dealing with the residual depression. I think it's somewhat of a coping mechanism that some people have. Me and my best friend do tend to have some quite dark senses of humor. I think also my brother's quite similar in a lot of ways. I think people in general do it. I do think that there is a large proportion of, I mean just looking from like the stats and stuff. It does seem that we do go through proportionately like relatively more negative life experiences and mental health disorders when compared to your average person. So it makes sense. I also think that there is like a special brand of autistic humor that's kind of focused around like taking things literally for fun. I don't know what to call it. I can't think of anything other than literal humor, but it doesn't really roll off the tongue. I don't think it doesn't really explain what I'm talking about. You know what you think. This has been something that has been on my mind to discuss on this channel because it is something that I deal with quite often and I know a lot of other people who have undergone a late diagnosis or have found out later in life about their diagnosis struggle with the same thing. I'm attempting to be a little less scripted in this video but that can be difficult for me trying to communicate my thoughts and feelings so just please give me a little grace. As a late diagnosed autistic person I'd like to say that I don't get stuck thinking about my undiagnosed life or and the implications of being undiagnosed for most of my life had on my life. There are 30 years of experiences that I've been trying to work through over the past year, year and a half, two years since I found out that I was autistic. I want to be authentic and honest with y'all and tell you that some days I'm just not handling it okay and I know that that's not uncommon for somebody with a late diagnosis. I think as well, like, you know, whenever I tell people that I was kind of early diagnosed I think some thoughts that might come into their head is that, you know, I never really experienced that kind of not really understanding yourself up until you know that you're autistic when you're late diagnosed. I do have a very similar experience in that sense. When I was diagnosed more early in my life I understood autism typically as just having difficulties with like social things, sensory things, not much else. I didn't really understand, you know, perhaps like things related to like meltdowns and things, but I didn't really understand how autism worked, what ways that it made me different socially. I just knew that there was just some difficulties that I would have. I didn't understand like the in-depth reasons to why the different traits and like a little bit more kind of like nuanced stuff around autism. So in my early 20s I definitely went through a very similar experience to kind of how late diagnosed adults might explain it, you know, trying to understand myself, learning a lot more about myself, typically from listening to other people talk about their experiences, not just like looking at the research and such. So I do have that kind of similar experience. The thing that Wichelt was talking about when it comes to sort of looking back on your life, you know, there is quite a long period I found, you know, after the diagnosis you have all of the kind of stages of grief to some degree, you know. Once you finally know that you are, you've kind of confirmed it, that's when it kind of hits you, you know, you look back on things in your past, you know, you're kind of dissecting and sort of running through different negative experiences that you have and you have a different perspective on it. And sometimes that perspective can be quite difficult. It could be, you know, things that you've done that you weren't too happy about and you've given yourself a hard time about, that are kind of illuminated by the fact of being autistic to some degree, kind of that autistic perspective, but also other people as well. And, you know, their lack of support, their lack of care, lack of understanding, perhaps, you know, things related to like manipulation and things of that nature, it definitely hits a bit hard and it takes a while to really process exactly like what's gone on in your life from that new perspective. It's one of the first things I encourage anyone to do when they find out that they're autistic. Go through your past and like, need for it with an autistic comb and just try to, you know, figure out what's gone on. Quite often it can be quite liberating in some respects and, you know, obviously anger and, you know, sadness comes from that but it does open the doors for you to process like things that have happened or at least in my experience and people that I've talked to. Autistic Page says, as of now there are probably more undiagnosed adults and children. Yeah, I mean, it's hard, isn't it? Because like, how do you put a number on some, unlike undiagnosed people? How can you figure out if someone's, I suppose you could take like a sample of the population, you know, like a random sample and like see, and like to put them through an autism test and like see which ones are to kind of a a guesstimate on like how many undiagnosed people there are out there. It'd be interesting. You know, there are days where I just stare at the wall and dissociate about it. It's a lot to process. There are some days where I'm just going about my day and I take a deep breath and tears well up in my eyes. It's a lot. I'm sure there are more eloquent ways of saying it. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom or portray a bad image of autism. I'm not trying to say that I'm ashamed to be autistic. I'm not trying to say that being on the spectrum is a terrible thing. For me, finding out that I'm on the spectrum and working through that has been the most rewarding and helpful thing that has ever happened to me personally, not trying to make it a negative thing. Well, it's not even like things related to like problems and stuff that's negative. Like quite often, I don't know about you but you very much feel like like an alien and it's somewhat hard to identify yourself to yourself. Do you know what I mean? It's sometimes quite difficult to really develop a sense of... Especially if you're masking. Especially if you're masking sometimes that identity. It just always feels like there's something missing. You can't put your finger on but it just seems to be always there in the background. The negative part actually comes from when I was diagnosed. Now, because I wasn't diagnosed as a child, I can't say, oh, it would have been different had I been diagnosed as a child, I would not feel this way. I can't say that because I have not lived that. So if you have lived that and have some insight, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. But as somebody who was diagnosed in their early 30s, Wow. There's just 30 years of memories and experiences that you need to unpack. And a lot of them aren't good. I really struggled as an autistic youth to fit in, to communicate, to make sense of the world. I was constantly being overstimulated and having breakdowns, acting out desperately trying to fit in, but saying the wrong thing or saying a rude thing. Being included or excluded because of the way that I was depending on the situation. A lot of my experiences in secondary school when it comes to socializing and other people. I wasn't a very vocal person. I was pretty introverted, I didn't really talk, and when I did talk it tended to be like over text message. So most of the communication that I had at school was actually online. I don't think I had many opportunities to be excluded because I didn't really talk very much. I didn't mask very much in school either as kind of just myself and very, very, very quiet. I didn't really try too much to fit into a group. I did spend time with other students and other groups and such, but I was always focused on my studies, my taekwondo. Like something external, some kind of goal that I needed to achieve. And so all the social stuff, it kind of just... It was important to me and I really needed it and I remember that, but yeah, and the acting out, like totally. I used to have slays only like meltdowns and panic attacks and all sorts of negative behaviors towards myself at that age. The majority of the difficulties that really came up were the social stuff, the sensory stuff, and obviously like mental health was such a big one for me. Trying to manage that was difficult for myself, the school, my family, my friends. A very, very difficult time. You know, you just kind of grow up feeling like an outcast, a pariah, the black sheep in the family. Not that I don't come from a loving family or that I think that they were trying to make me feel that way. I felt that way because I didn't know who I was and I didn't understand the biggest part of myself and that was that I was on the spectrum. And when you find out that you're on the spectrum, it is like seeing yourself in focus for the first time and finally understanding why you are the way that you are and why things have happened in the way that they've happened. Yep, you're both saying exact words and mindset is going through right now. Yeah, I was going to say it kind of lost on my brain a little bit but I love the ways that when I put on my videos where I'm talking about friendships and social skills and romantic relationships, I do talk a lot about the differences. One of the difficulties is that even if you know what the differences are, it can still be quite difficult to fit in socially into a social environment. If you don't know what the differences are, it's incredibly difficult to be able to find a common ground, be able to explain certain parts of your behavior or other people's behavior in order to facilitate friendships and such and socializing. If you don't know all of that, you're pretty much going in blind in a lot of cases. But then there is maybe a part that you wouldn't think about and that is how do you work through the trauma of a life of living with a brain that's different from other people's brains and not knowing about it. I dealt with this kind of when I started getting help for my OCD as well because I was really, really, really sick for most of my life. I was very impaired by living with obsessive-compulsive disorder and nobody knew and I didn't get help. And once you get help and you start having some relief in your symptoms, it's hard not to think about how bad things were and how you didn't know how bad things were. I know for me, round about that kind of teenage age, or even to be honest, being a young adult, it's very much like... You're kind of at the age where you do want to find your identity, find yourself and find where you belong, your tribe. It's very, very difficult when you are kind of feeling like that, that outsider. As they were saying with OCD, I know that there is quite a big crossover between autism and OCD, both with the symptoms and also the likelihood of someone developing OCD. I know some individuals in my life who do sort of struggle with that and it is very much the case that a lot of people feel shame. Shame is like a really strong feeling, I think, to anybody who is different. It's reinforced socially to some degree, but it's also reinforced by ourselves for not being up to standard or not doing the right thing. A lot of people might take something that we said, and instead of seeing it as a misunderstanding or a miscommunication, they might assume the worst and because we don't know exactly what's going on, we're a lot more likely to take on board those sort of negative things that people say. It kind of soaks into us a bit more. I'm the same and I go through stages of it, to be honest. There's been a couple of times even sort of past my era of understanding autism a bit more. It's hard sometimes not to default to sort of agreeing with people's perceptions of you, especially if you haven't sort of done the work to know who you are and the things that you want to self-advocate for. Hey, totally grim, 27 in the process of diagnosis now completely burnt out. I also have EDS and other issues, so videos like these help a lot. I'm off work sick right now. I'm sorry that you're off work sick. That's not great. Yeah, I mean, the thing is there's so much to do and so much that people suggest to do. You know, you see stuff about light unmasking and little things. It is very much information overload because even if you were to take like a psychology course, like a lot of autistic people seem to do, who are sort of interested in like social dynamics and all that. Even then you don't really get a full picture of exactly what autism is. You know, you don't really, it's not until you start sort of digging into other people's experiences, learning from others that, you know, you start to go, oh, you sort of make connections between. Like for me, that was definitely a lexifamia and I do talk about it a lot. And then I received a comment recently on one of my posters. Why do you always have to break back to a lexifamia? Because it was just so impactful for me. It was just one of those things related to autism that just was like, hey, like this explains so much about my experience. So just, I don't know, it is a very like information overload, but you do have the time to go through it. And I would say that, you know, particularly sort of learning about different concepts and trying to think about times in your life that it might connect to and perhaps writing it down can be quite helpful. And I just said, shame, I wish I couldn't be shameless, but I don't. So many mistakes and misunderstandings would have been avoided if I knew back then. Well, it's all the hindsight stuff, you know. And I think most people in general do have sort of regrets and the things that they look about. They look at looking their past and like, that was a badness and standing miscommunication. It's just, it's so much like, it just tends to happen so much with us because we are sort of so different. And what could my life have looked like had I known and had I gotten help sooner? I feel the same way about the autism diagnosis. In life, you, everything that you do in life, every action, every decision pushes you in a different direction towards a different outcome, right? Your life is a choose your own adventure book and the decisions that you make give you a different result. And it's sometimes difficult for me to look back on my life and process exactly where my life has come to and the decisions that I made as an undiagnosed autistic person. I think one of the issues with like those kind of big sort of life decisions is that, you know, quite often we don't necessarily know what would be good for us as an autistic person. You know, we might have this, you know, for me, I wanted to be like Albert Einstein. I wanted to be like in a science lab thinking about like new theories and things. And, you know, I went to uni, I did a biomedical science degree, realized that lab work was pretty boring and it actually wasn't anything like that. So like I was like growing moulds in a petri dish and discovering new bacterias. It was not like that at all. And I didn't realize just how much executive functioning was difficult for me. And it turns out science requires you to keep, especially when you're doing lab work, you have to keep eyes and you have to think about and you have to plan and you have to like keep track of different things that are happening with the lab and you have to do it perfectly and that was just like way too much for my brain to handle. And also people, people sort of superimposing like what they think life should, like your life goals should be. You know, it could be something related to like society, like it could be the whole, okay, you go to uni, you get a job, you have a relationship, you move in with that partner. Then you get a pet and then you consider having kids and at work you go in and you work yourself, work your way up, you know, you go on holidays now and again. You get yourself a car, you travel places, you know. There's so many kind of like life-staters that can just be significantly more difficult for us and also not always like the best thing to do, like for us in the long term. And you're kind of doing that when you're undiagnosed, you're doing that and you're also not really, you don't necessarily have the input from other autistic people or from the things that you find easy and the things that you struggle with. So like making those correct decisions and moving forward in life, usually just default to like the norm. And so like it can kind of feel sometimes like we're not really in control of things, I would say. I hate labs, 100%. I mean it was okay, it was good in some respects I would say. Erin says when we're in lockdown, that was when I stopped having to mask and then the world opened up again, I found it hard to start. That was the start of my autism journey. I suppose you could see that in a negative way, but also perhaps unmasking and having the experience of not having to hide your true self kind of showed you just how good life can be like if you do that. Uncle Peckers says, my life has been a choosing your own adventure book where every path I've taken eventually landed on two years of burnout page. It's like snakes and ladders, but every other square is like a snake. You got to wear a couple of years. It's like, yeah, I know what you mean. Am I saying the decisions are good or bad? Not necessarily. I mean some, do I have regrets in life? That's hard to say because I do love and appreciate my life right now. But there were decisions that I made in life and actions and responses to things, reactions to things that came about purely as a result of me being an undiagnosed autistic person. There were weights that I held inside of myself being an undiagnosed person. Constantly thinking like, okay, what do I do? It's me. Well, it was me, but it wasn't my fault. I'm just different. And working through those sometimes painful memories of decisions I made because of my lack of insight into myself, it just, it hurts. And that's kind of why I didn't want this to be as much of a scripted video because I'm still dealing with it. And I know a lot of my fellow late diagnosis autistics are dealing with it too. There's no way of knowing how my life would have turned out had I not been in the situation that I was in. But I don't know, just not knowing that I was on the spectrum and looking back at all of the social faux pas and all of the anxiety and all of the decisions made from that anxiety and all of the loneliness from not having a lot of friends or not being able to, not that I didn't have friends, not being able to experience friendships in a neurotypical way and experience people in a neurotypical way with the same kind of feelings out of that and not to understand that. You know, learning differently than other people. Being very creative but not fitting in because of the way I was presenting myself as a person. I don't know, it's hard to explain. But I just wanted to talk about it because it's there. The trauma of not knowing is something I'm carrying with me and it has gotten easier to carry. But it's still something that I think about. I know that maybe it's, maybe I'm being too generic, too general but I want to help people with my channel, through my channel and I know that it's something that if I'm going through it then other people must be going through it as well. Yeah, and that is something that I did also do a lot of research on when it came to understanding autism a bit more. Definitely the stuff related to it, like Fimea of course. But also, particularly just enjoying other people's company, enjoying connecting with people. I just found it very, very difficult. And I think that there is definitely something related to oxytocin, that kind of love and bonding hormone. Some really interesting studies about animals that kind of show a lot of that and also some animals that don't produce it. I think that kind of came up in one of my recent videos about medical marijuana and social reward. It's kind of like an oxytocin endocannabinoid mediator in that that supports people in receiving more social reward like enjoying people's company a bit more and enjoying talking and connecting with people. I definitely have always found that pretty difficult. Sometimes it's hard to know if I'm enjoying it as much as it should be, or whether it's just something that I'm doing because that's kind of like something that people should do, socialize and talk. It just kind of feels to be a lot more natural and enriching to people around me. I love Claire from Woodshed Theory. She's so relatable as a late diagnosed autistic lady. I wondered who I actually was after mirroring so many groups. Yeah, that style is a big thing. Definitely like being kind of like a sponge for different ways of speaking and different energies. I don't know. I don't particularly like using the phrase but the energies of people that you're around. You kind of, you absorb them and you reflect that in yourself. I think a lot of people do that. I think it's just for us due to like social camouflage and stuff. It does seem to be that we take it on board a lot more intensely. So yeah, I'd love to know if you are a late diagnosed autistic person, do you still think about your undiagnosed life? Do you think about how it might have been different? Yeah. Do you think about some of the decisions that you made as an undiagnosed person or some of the ways that you reacted or some of the ways that you acted and you look back and you maybe don't agree with them anymore or think that maybe in light of knowing you're on the spectrum would you have made a different decision now? I think it's less about knowing that I'm autistic and more about not really having all of the pieces of the social interaction clear in my head as the people around me. Just kind of always being a little bit in the dark about certain things, not really knowing exactly what went on and why people are saying things and how I should react. It's why I just tended to be very, very quiet. It's difficult to say something wrong when you're so quiet. Now I understand that if you're watching this video you might say it's important not to live in the past, it's important to focus on the present and we talk about that in therapy all the time. Living in the now. I don't mean to go against that sentiment Man, your past makes up pretty much all of your identity to some degree. All of your experiences that you've had and journeys that you've been on. Getting lost in it and just reminiscing and mulling things over in your own space for days on end is probably not a good idea I think it's somewhat silly not to think about the past and I think there's a lot of things that you can draw from that a lot of positive things that you can draw from that and a lot of information about who you are in the past as well. It's not always this kind of this is the here and now and everything before that I like to take personal accountability for things that I believe I did wrong I also like to forgive people try and go through things and process them that's in a healthy way, forgive people who have wronged me or been particularly negative towards me in the past. Get it. And I'm absolutely trying to do that but there are just moments that it just smacks me across the face there's like I don't know like a morning period like a kind of like grief like a hollow emptiness to it and I don't want to make it seem like my life has been terrible or that I haven't had wonderful experiences and I love where my life has turned out and I'm very grateful so I don't want it to seem like that I just want to let people know that it's not abnormal to feel this way to have that feeling of loss of opportunity but then there's also a feeling of what I have wanted to know in general yes but it's also hard to say everything would have turned out so differently had I unknown maybe I would not have pursued my education the way I did or not sure I mean there's just no way of knowing I guess I find solace in knowing that I can be a different person now and that the things that maybe I didn't like about myself or struggled with prior to diagnosis I can change those things now that I'm aware of them and I can look at that as a positive if you were diagnosed as a young person and have known about your diagnosis since you were young I'd love to know if you feel fulfilled in that or did it not make any difference at all? pretty much no difference I relate to a lot of what Woodshed is talking about it's um yeah I didn't really understand autism even though I knew that I was autistic I didn't really get it didn't realize the ways that it made me different I didn't know really why I felt so different to people even though I knew that I was autistic it's very hard to conceptualize what it is without the input of role models, people to look up to, people to learn from or else it's just kind of a bunch of stats it's just a bunch of like common things that autistic people go through and when I was that age I was kind of wanting to find my identity and separate myself from others and be unique and such and I didn't really want to be puddled into a certain category I pretty much like for the majority of my early teen life and even late teen life I very much viewed it as just kind of like a hindrance just something that I just wanted to get done of do you think being autistic and literal thinking makes it easier to manipulate? I do find that there is a lot of aspects to being autistic that does lend us to becoming manipulated a bit more people do see somewhat of a vulnerability in those who can't pick up on indirect social cues they know that you don't particularly understand what's going on and some people can take advantage of that and they also some people also know even when you are when you have gone through that kind of stage of understanding yourself understanding autism understanding your differences between yourself and other people there are going to be some things that are kind of in the back of your head that are kind of like insecurities things that you're worried about like for me it is understanding social situations I know that I understand them really really well and I'm good with social situations I'm good with emotions I'm good at understanding complex kind of inter-dynamic related things but there's always something in the back of my head that's saying like like a little voice in the back of my head saying like you know you didn't really understand that have you missed something did what you really say come across in the way that it was intended I mean it kind of seemed like it it seemed like it from my side but maybe it wasn't and there's always those kind of little paranoid thoughts that you have about these situations and one particular person in my life very much highlighted that constantly said that I didn't really understand and that was very like fed in very much to my sort of insecurities about socializing and emotions and such about that I didn't really care I didn't really show affection I didn't really understand other people's emotions and feel empathy towards them you know just little things like that yeah so they can definitely take advantage of insecurities even if we do understand like all of this kind of water and related things and things to do with ourselves and others when we're younger it's more of the case that we just don't really know what's going on and so we default to words that people say we trust in the words we don't always cross-examine it with people's behaviour with the way that they said something at least for myself it's usually you know I'm a person who I very much place trust I think I get a very high high degree of importance to me and for me to trust people it's like it's something that I did a lot when I was younger and it's a lot more difficult in adulthood because of those kind of situations you know breathing my daughter and I was talking about that being befriended by an NT they take what they want from us then discard yeah there's actually a term for that it's a very it's a very poisonous horrible thing that some people do they can kind of see that you're different and they take advantage of either your loneliness or your lack of awareness around certain like neurotypical social things very much can do that lead you to some very difficult situations can you tell if people are lying to you easy Thomas some people with good memories might be able to logically determine I lie right the thing is with me I tend to because of the way that I communicate and the way that I try and approach the world I don't assume that people are lying however if it you know if some piece of information comes to me that this person is lying I tend to be a little bit less a little bit kind of more of my guard so it's more of a you know it's less of a defence mechanism more of a okay right you you know I trusted you in this situation you didn't show that I wouldn't necessarily tell them and I'll kind of let them think that I'm I'm still sort of believing in what they're saying but I'll just kind of fade them out of my life you know I wouldn't necessarily confront them on it unless they're someone that's very close to me and I kind of have to I keep it in the back of my head I'm like okay I need to be aware of this I think it's easy to understand if it isn't me involved yes yes yeah 100% I feel that as well it feels a lot more it just feels nice to trust you know it feels good feels like this is genuine you know and I found that life's a bit easier when I do that but also it does sometimes you know sometimes in the past I would do that but I would continue to do it and I wouldn't sort of listen to pieces of evidence that conflict with that so nowadays like I'm very trusting but I'm very quick to remove my trust if you know it seems something seems to be wrong I'm not trying to scare anybody I'm fine I'm not going to you know there's nothing to worry about it's just something that weighs heavily on me sometimes and just working through that's everything I wanted to talk to you guys about today if you enjoyed the video go ahead and like comment subscribe etc please and I hope that you have a wonderful Monday and hopefully we will be talking on Wednesday that has been woodshed fairies dealing with trauma of late diagnosis and autism experiences yeah I mean a lot of stuff there that is very relatable even to myself as a relatively early diagnosed individual yeah there's a lot of stuff to go through and it can be quite overwhelming sometimes but given time given taking it one step at a time I think understanding more about yourself the world how you interact with that world understanding the nuances of some of the negative things that have happened or even the positive things that have happened in the past seeing it through a different kind of combing through it with the autism brush it definitely sheds light on a lot of things and can definitely be used a lot for like personal development understanding processing so much really good stuff that you wouldn't get if you didn't go through that but to anybody who is feeling the same is feeling kind of burnt out and overwhelmed with this whole process of like understanding autism just take it slow take it slow like it does kind of feel sometimes because there's so much new stuff it's such a large part of somebody and so it's difficult to not just become obsessed with trying to completely, concretely understand all the different aspects that are into playing in your history even in the present day just taking things slow and definitely if possible trying to find somebody like a psychologist to talk to about it but it's really great that this kind of stuff is out there in the world I think it is very very valuable to sort of express these emotions sort of outwardly it's definitely something that I used to do on my channel quite a while ago it's great to see this kind of thing because it does make you feel a little bit less alone in it to some degree like you know it's very easily relatable I think a lot of us go through some pretty awful stuff in life not to be too depressing but yeah please go ahead and check out Woodshed Theory I think they just hit 10,000 subscribers congratulations Woodshed and hopefully they'll be in the live stream today and I'll tag them on the video that I made