 Oh, hey, yo! Hey, Danny Kay, just a minute, Tom. Are you addressing me? Yeah, Kay, I... Oh, you're Austin Wells. I mistook you for Danny Kay. How dare you? All right, excuse me, Mr. Wells, I should've known. I just saw your latest picture. Tomorrow's forever. Thank you, but I'm on my way to appear on the Danny Kay program. Yeah? You're gonna think tonight's forever. Who are you? I'm an average radio listener. Why do you look older than 12? But tell me, my Vox pop-off, I haven't heard any of Mr. Kay's programs this year. What does he do? Your guess is as good as mine. All I know is he has one joke. My sister married an Iceman, or really, no, or Raleigh. You'll find out. Now, just a minute, my kill-or-cycle kill-joy. To my way of thinking, Mr. Kay is a very fine artist. To my way of thinking, your way of thinking is no way of thinking. But, well, maybe you can teach him a thing or two. No, just one. We don't want to burden him. Well, that's neither here nor. I'm here tonight because Mr. Kay is leaving for Hollywood tomorrow, and I'm going to give him a few pointers about making the proper social contacts in Hollywood. Oh, how to make friends with influential people? Correct. Hollywood is a community of primary impressions where an individual is categorized as and this will influence me upon the consciousness of any social order. Haha, you're just saying that. But what does it mean? Who knows, but didn't I read a deal of it? Well, excuse me now, Mr. Kay's program is about to go on the air. Oh, yeah, glad you reminded me. I gotta run home and turn up my radio. Come on, Chum. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Dick Joy, introducing the Danny Kay Show, presented by Pat's Blue Ribbon. With Butterfly McQueen, Dave Gretzman, and all the rest of the world. And, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. But, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. But, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. And, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. But, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. But, well, I'm sure you've heard of it. Here's by McQueen, Dave Terry in his orchestra, and our special guests tonight. Orsonwells and her nib Ms. Georgia Giff. And here's the star of our show! Danny Kay! Good evening, and a Danny. Would you mind repeating what you just did? Oh, hello, Orson. Well, Orson, I'm certainly glad to- Never mind that. What was that you just did into the microphone? What, you mean my scat song? Cat song. Yes That's my signature. Well your handwriting is awful Give me that again, but slowly this time be very happy to eat cat Gido I see I see go on Giddily app Giddily Tommy. Oh, oh, is that so? Ridley biddy roof. Well, that sounds reasonable She did Giddily do what over husband and suddenly, huh? Beedle the water reap. Well, I don't blame it How long were they married Danny? They weren't married at all. They weren't oh Then you're reading that wrong. Oh, it should go like this. Get gas Giddily app Riddle D. Tommy. What riddle the biddle D. Roof Sorry, Patan. Giddily, what up? Giddily Woda Reap Danny what else goes on here on this merry half hour of fun probably can frivolity. Well, you know orson the usual radio program What do you mean bad? We have music songs jokes and once we got a laugh your suspenders broke. Yeah We told a joke. Oh, that's the joke I've been hearing about how does it go again? Well, it's a very simple joke orson gets a very big laugh here I'll do with it or some my sister married an Irish man. Is that so? No Joe Well something went wrong here Danny Danny, you're about to go to Hollywood if you tell that joke out there you wind up No, oh, really? No oblivion Oh Danny if you insist on telling that O'Reilly Joe could be presented in the super colossal Hollywood production He's given the famous Orson Welles up the Orson Welles, huh? What's that? Now who can we get to play the part of a girl? Hmm. Well, how about a girl? That's tight casting But get her who she oh her nibs miss Georgia give I You're about to be honored with a role in the production directed with that famous Orson Welles touch you know, of course How do you do it? Come on, orson if you're gonna give any joke this Hollywood production. Let's get going Not so fast Daniel. You don't attempt to defend this undertaking such as this is a colossal breath taking spectacles of time Preparation I'll need at least two minutes and 15 seconds By an odd turn of fate that's just the length of George's number Baby Yeah, they know a way way way way beyond the blue horizon I'm hoping oh no no no no no no analysis on your mind So fuck her up my sweet meet your water Me from guess All this message I want to love love I'm gonna try try try to try to make you understand When all this Ain't no time to see All this message Back baby at me. I want to love love love you I'm gonna try to try try to try to make you understand When all is said Places please speaking of places mr. Welles You'll find more places serving tap blue ribbon just a moment Danny who is this under there is over anxious Speak up. Oh, but mr. Welles you don't just speak up with a commercial you kind of sneak up on it to me What's the matter? What are you selling? Perhaps blue ribbon bear come right out with it. Say it. Okay Perhaps blue ribbon bear Now don't you feel better young man Yes, I do mr. Welles, but I feel much better right now if I had a good thick hamburger sandwich and a tall sparkling glass of paps blue ribbon There's a real production juicy top-round hamburger broiled a perfection With a dash of ketchup on a big toasted roll and that paps blue ribbon You see paps blue ribbon just naturally adds to the good taste of any food or this truly great beer is full flavor blended Yes, 33 fine brews merged their individual goodness to give you that top-of-the-world taste of blended blended paps blue ribbon But words fail me you tell them kids Well done my boy you have a commercial don't be coy about it now Danny Let's go on to the production places everybody. Mr. Terry fanfare Orson Welles presents the wife of O'Reilly Adapted from the joke on the Danny K program based upon a joke used by Fred Allen Suggested by a joke on the Jimmy Durante show from an original joke told on the Jack Carson broadcast stolen from an old bus to Keaton movie Oh Well, it's Butterfly McQueen come on in this Orson this is Butterfly McQueen We're just in time as McQueen take your place you might as well be in this Well, mr. Wells is going to stage a big Hollywood production here You know who mr. Wells is the young actor writer producer set the American theater on fire That's awesome You've seen his pictures, haven't you he writes directs producers and stars himself in all that How about that developing fluid We're wasting time on with the production. Oh, yeah, Mr. Wells is preparing me for Hollywood. I'm going out to California next week Oh California the wonderful place to live Oh Well, I don't know but if I would you like to come along and be my social secretary Well the first thing every morning you run through my mail After How's your short a well, I never made them but I think they're both the same way No, no, no, no, I mean, how are you on dictation? This routine is gonna make the O'Reilly joke seem like a classical gym now. Let's get on with our production places standby music The Columbia sweatshop presents the wife of O'Reilly or The frowning Irishman written produced and directed by Orson Welles and starring Danny Kaye in a very small part I barely made it My name is O'Reilly Timothy O'Reilly Timothy Jay O'Reilly My forefathers before me were named O'Reilly. My name is O'Reilly. My name is O'Reilly. My name is O'Reilly My name is O'Reilly For centuries for centuries the name O'Reilly For centuries the name O'Reilly has been synonymous with the name O'Reilly For generations the O'Reilly is the populated distilled fishing town on the coast of Ireland long to do six degrees west latitude 55 degrees north dealing zero Life in our village was simple simple people simple home simple food simply awful I am a simple fisherman. I am a simple housewife When do I come in yes, yes life flowed gently past us life was good then one day From far off England that came into our peaceful village a strange mysterious couple our simple people were mystified I am mystified. I am mystified Miss McQueen When do I come in? They were a handsome pair brother and sister one was a blonde an exotic creature with hair of gossamer gold. Gee, thanks My sister is cute too, huh? Our simple gentle people had never beheld such delicate loveliness as that of Caroline Miller Caroline blessed me She lives with her brother in the fat covered cottage in the fat covered cottage at the end of the lane They were seen but seldom by the town spoke one day in the marketplace. I saw her coming towards me I lifted my hat. Good morning, Miss Miller My name is O'Reilly. Oh really? He was gone I Hoped I might chance upon her brother Joseph Maybe to him I might meet this wondrous vision of delight and then one day in the marketplace Striding towards me came Joseph. I lifted my hat. Good morning, sir. My name is O'Reilly. Oh really? He was gone The fine part I've got here suddenly he turned and came back. Oh, I'm back in again. He approached and spoke to me What did you say your name is O'Reilly? Oh really? You're just the man. I'm looking for I want you to meet my sister. I'll arrange it. Goodbye He was gone in a trice convertible price But days went by and neither Joseph and Caroline Miller emerged from their fat covered cottage The simple gentle people of our town wondered who are these two? What do they want? Why did they come here? Who are these two? What do they want? Why did they come here? I just said that Pardon me. Pardon me. Pardon me too. You didn't say anything. I know. I'm just polite Meanwhile in the fat covered cottage at the end of the lane Caroline Miller and her brother Joseph were seated at dinner They were having words I'll have some more alphabet too Joseph. No and stop putting words in my mouth Joseph must we go all like this forever? You've hardly spoken to me for days Are you worried about the book you're writing? Of course my book if it weren't for you I'd have finished writing it. Me? What have I done? It's what you haven't done. Why won't you marry this man O'Reilly? He's the most successful fisherman in the village. Only this morning his boat came in loaded with mackerel, cod and smelt to high heaven But I don't love him Caroline Miller do you realize what the men in the marketplace are saying? They're saying that a beautiful girl like you can have a husband. Oh Joseph they are not. Yes, they are I heard them this morning when you passed. They all said a hubby hubby hubby hubby hubby hubby Joseph Joseph was right, but not only the men were talking the women as well pretty girl like that. Why doesn't he get married? Yeah, why doesn't he get married? Yes, why doesn't he get married? Nobody worries about me getting married No, nobody worries about me getting married Caroline, please for my sake, for the sake of my book, marry him. Just this once. I promise you the greatest wedding a girl ever had. Well, Joseph doesn't mean so much to you. I will. You will? Oh good, I'll get McNamara's band. Oh what a wedding there'll be, what a time we'll have. Oh, his name is McNamara, he's the leader of the band. Although there are few in numbers, they're the finest in the land. Oh, the drums go bang and the cymbals clang and the horns they blaze away. The cabbie pumps the overdune while I have the pipes to play. And the Hennessy, Hennessy chooses the flute and the music is something grand. A credit to old Ireland is McNamara's band. For there's Rannigan, Flannigan, Harrigan, Hennessy and Dautool, the cabbie raps the dirty fliraties, Fliratie and Dautool. Oh Brady O'Brien, O'Reilly O'Reilly, Maloney, Mahoney Mccann, O'Donnell O'Connell, O'Farrell O'Carroll, O'ChEsther, Horses the Fair of the Badres, who got to the Tester to flautist him platter, who impl癟 to the Tester to tell the Tester Sector the second. My name is Phil, Mr. Queen. Now at last I can finish my book. Let me see my sister married an Irishman. Oh really? No, oh right. Signed Joe Miller. Okay, awesome, but turn about fair play. You once did a drama called Julius Caesar. I did, I did. Yes, I did. Yes, you did. Well, I'd like to show you how I produce them. Well, you made a production out of my joke. So now you want to make a joke out of my production. I'm going to give it a Hollywood musical production. My name is Julius Caesar or call me Julius. Copycat, that's not the way Julius Caesar opens. Well, how does it begin? Well, we actually, Julius Caesar opens on a street in Rome where a group of citizens and faith people gather to welcome Caesar to talk. Now stop right there. In the opening of the musical picture, nobody talks. No? No, no, everybody sings. Well, what do they sing? Anything, as long as it's an opening card. Now we'll make one up right here. A little opening fanfare if you please, David. When it's cherry blossom time in Orange and Jersey it's middle of summer in Rome. So we say, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, why none other than the Nova is growing them all, Julius. You mean that Master Grazlin, president of the ice cream manufacturer's guild? No, no, that's Junior's freezer! Ah! Well, is it then that master needle worker and head tailor? No, no, that's Junior's scissor! Well, then... Here comes scissor again. Point in the original. These are answers in a chariot drawn by four white horses. Well, that's definitely a part for Great Western Star. Real man of the people, that's for you, Orton. You make your entrance dragging your saddle behind you, and you sing... L'eribes, unum! L'eribes, unum! L'eribes, unum! Epe, edouard! Epe, edouard! The entrance sees a betraysive anxiety by saying to Mark Anthony, let me have men about me that are fast, bleak-headed men and such as sleeper knights, young caches as a lean and hungry look. What a part for Sinatra! If you don't see me each day, you're lucky. Life without me can be so ducky. Our love could take the play of catches with a hundred fingers. Well, what was he so worried about, Orton? Didn't he have a friend in the whole place? Oh, yes, that was Mark Anthony. He's his close friend and confidant, with whom he discussed all his programs. What did you say his name was? Mark Anthony. Anthony, huh? Well, I got it. Seen open, Caesar knocks on the door. Come in. Is this the house of Mark Anthony? Well, Mr. Anthony, I have a problem. Well, catches knows what catches. He said, creatures try to pieces. Sinners went to Sinner's house, and Sinner went to pieces. Now caught is very caught, if he says Caesar, try to squeeze it. So, to handle, took a sandal, and had Caesar in the beaver. So, what I want to know is, if chooses that you make it won't give a dollar, to handle has no other problem. A sandal will wobble him, and it may wobble him. Mr. Anthony, what is my problem? No rain. No problem. Ah, but Mr. Anthony, I've got a problem. Who is Young Carter? I've got to get a commercial in here. That's quite a problem. Oh, no, it isn't. No, it isn't. For no matter where you go, there is no finer beer than Tapthus Blue Ribbonus. Thirty-three fine proofs lengthen into one breath here. Thirty-three fine proofs lengthen into one breath here. Thirty-three fine proofs Then, what happened? Well, then comes the famous scene in the Roman Senate. A scene in the Senate? Well, how we do it, aren't we? Leave it to me. The proud noises wrap the gavel. Be I have the floor. The chair recognizes the senator from the south of Rome, Julius Buster. Friends, Romans and fellow senators, lend me your ears. I won't need it very long. Four or five weeks until I finish this film, Buster. Do you know the man who says, call me Julius? His name is Dr. Julius Peter. It happens to be Flavius Ecce, Pliny Caesar. Until the Romans are come not to praise Flavius Ecce, Pliny Caesar, but to bury this F.A.P. Caesar. And I say to you, I say to you as long as Caesar remains in power, there'll be price ceilings on flame for pirates feeding the very coge, are we where? That's a quote, John. Well, there's only one thing wrong with this, Victor Danny, among other things. If you don't actually have Caesar killed in the Senate, you'll lose the most famous line in the play. Then what is that? When the hapless Caesar is proudly stabbed, he turns his reproachful eye on his faithful friend, Brubus Ecce. Ecce Brubus. That's the most famous line. That's the most famous line. Well, then it's got to be the top song in the picture, as this is a comedy auction that's got to be sung by the comedy team. I'm Cassius. I'm Brutus. We're on the radio. I'm Brutus. I'm Cassius. Hello, hello, hello. I'm Cassius. I'm Cassius. I know. I add two, Brutus. You realize we've just spent three million dollars on a picture with no love interest? Didn't Caesar have a girl? He had a wife. He figured very largely in the play Calpurnia. Calpurnia? That's a great finish. After leaving the Senate, Caesar travels down the dusty road dragging his horse behind and opens the ranch gate. Calpurnia, here I come. Right back where I started from. This is the only picture that ends in the middle for the benefit of the people who came in in the middle. Orton, thanks for being here tonight and for all the advice about Hollywood. Thank nothing of a Danny. Good luck on your trip and I'll say, by the way, a Danny, how about renting a New York apartment here in New York? Renting it? Well, it's ten rooms, Orton. It's a beautiful apartment. How much rent would you pay? Well, I'll give you the ceiling price no more. Oh, really? No, OPA. Thank you. Again, the makers of Pat's Blue Ribbon wish to remind you that no matter how severe may be the government restrictions on grain, however much Pat must curtail its output to protect quality, every bottle of Pat's Blue Ribbon you buy will continue to live up to its name. There will be no cutting corners, no lowering of standards of flavor and goodness, no compromise with quality. The Danny case show will come to you a half hour earlier, beginning next Friday. Our guest will be Peter Laurie and her nib, Miss Georgia Giff. This program was brought to you by the Pat's Growing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Remember, the war is not over for the American Red Cross. Our boys and foreign theaters, our hospitalized fighting men and veterans still need the aid with your contribution to the 1946 drive will help the Red Cross to deliver it. So, give from the heart. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.